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Your life story so far…

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4/19/2012 11:55:47 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
I was an orphan - my mother and father died in an horrific car accident a couple of years before I was born - and I was raised by my foster parents, Fred and Rosemary West (1), who forced me to earn my keep from the age of three. They hired me out as a gentleman's sauce-mopper working in Peter Stringfellow's nightclub (2), as a swimming pool attendant at Michael Barrymore's house (3), as a fluffer for Elton John and, finally, as an errand boy for Eric Clapton, Ozzy Osbourne and Boy George (4). It was a tough life, so when I was sixteen I ran away to make my fortune on the streets of London.

Sadly, my hog roast stand in Golders Green (5) wasn't a success, in fact none of my business ventures were: my tuna-fishing boat trips up Deptford Creek (6) were a non-starter; my horse and hound (7) accessories shop in Peckham (8) didn't take off, although my nocturnal big game hunting safaris in Regents Park did quite well until London Zoo (9) installed CCTV (10).

So I decided to become a politician so I could make money submitting dodgy expense claims (11), but I should have realised that I'd have more chance being elected as the Plaid Cymru candidate in Llanelli than London (12).

After that, I set up a wealth management firm in the City (13). It was called Cunning Underhand No Tax Solutions, but there was no room for the full name above the door so I just used the initials. I didn't get any customers, I don't know why.

Finally, I sank into a deep depression and, in desperation; I sought the advice of a soothsayer. He told me: "Journey to a land far away, where the animals are hopping mad and the upside-down cakes (14) are the right way up. There you will find a hostelry owned by a man called Bruce and his wife Sheila. Imbibe of the amber nectar available therein and your malaise shall be cured."

I've no idea what country he was referring to but, anyway, I'm currently planning a trip over to Australia, the land down under, to see if that will cheer me up.

Notes for non-British people

(1) Between 1967 and 1987, Fred West alone, and later, with his wife Rosemary, tortured, raped and murdered at least 11 young women and girls, many at the couple's homes. Rosemary West also murdered Fred's stepdaughter Charmaine, while he was serving a prison sentence for theft.

(2) Stringfellow's is Britain's most famous lap-dancing club.

(3) Michael Barrymore was a very famous TV game show host until his man he picked up in a gay bar and plied with drugs was found floating dead in his swimming pool. Before then, the public had no idea that he was a screaming homosexual in real life – or that he did drugs, for that matter.

(4) Eric Clapton, Ozzy Osbourne and Boy George were all notorious drug fiends during the 80's.

(5) Golders Green is a largely Jewish suburb in North London

(6) Deptford Creek is a shallow tributary to the Thames in an industrial area of South East London. There are no tuna to be found within a thousand miles of Britain.

(7) ‘Horse and hounds' refers to country pursuits such as fox hunting which tend to be the exclusive preserve of aristocrats and the very wealthy.

(8) Peckham is an economically-deprived, crime-ridden, inner-city area in South London which is largely inhabited by Afro-Caribbeans.

(9) London Zoo is located in Regents Park

(10) Closed-Circuit TV (security cameras)

(11) A huge scandal erupted a couple of years ago when various polititians' expenses claims were made public. They included building a duck house on an island in the lake of Conservative MP's country home, the dredging of a moat surrounding another Conservative MP's castle while a Labour put the purchase of pornographic DVDs for her husband on her expenses.

(12) Plaid Cymru is the Welsh nationalist party and Llanelli is a town in Wales.

(13) The City of London, or "The City", is the financial district of the capital.

(14) An upside-down cake is a cake usually made in a pan with a curved bottom. Once cooked, turned over and allowed to set, the cake is eaten upside-down. Usually, chopped fruits such as apples, pineapples and cherries are placed at the bottom of the pan before the batter is poured in, so that they form a decorative topping once the cake is inverted.
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4/19/2012 1:07:16 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
Wow... fascinating. You set the bar high, Brian lol You can't really expect too many more interesting stories than that!
: : :Tulle: The fool, I purposely don't engage with you because you don't have proper command of the English language.
: :
: : The Fool: It's my English writing. Either way It's okay have a larger vocabulary then you, and a better grasp of language, and you're a woman.
: I'm just going to leave this precious struggle nugget right here.
Posts: 2,173
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4/19/2012 2:02:47 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
I was born in '79 in the little town of Soli; very country and secluded, the kind of place where nothing has happened since the Peloponnesian Wars. Fortunately, my family and I spent most of my school years in Athens.

Athens had a great school, back in those days; I was in the honors program, enjoyed extra-curricular debate, and had a great logic and philosophy teacher. I had a lot of fun arguing both sides of any subject presented to me, and gained a reputation for being able to prove anything.

I graduated with distinction; valedictorian, and voted "most likely to succeed."

After graduation, I went on to become a teacher, eventually teaching at that same school. I wrote a good deal, including a number of papers on comparative logic and ethics that have been published all over the world and translated into most of the major languages.

I never had many friends, but I made a lot of vigorous enemies (some of whom were simultaneously my best friends) and influenced a three generations of Athens students. Being headmaster of that school is the greatest memory I have; so many promising young people, so much talent, and we had the chance to mold each one of them. The contributions they have made is one of the best legacies an old man can have, and I'm very proud of them.

At the ripe old age of seventy-three, I died laughing.

I helped to create the philosophy of Stoicism, and am acknowledged as the second greatest logician in recorded history. That was 2200 years ago, so cut me a little slack; philosophy seems to have moved on a little since my time.

It's been a restful non-existence since then; being dead has it's perks, after all. Someone dropped this computer into my tomb a few years ago, and I've figured out how to access this thing called the internet. Judging by this thing called "LOLcats" I may have to re-open my school; seems this generation needs a little balance in their lives.
Cavete mea inexorabilis legiones mimus!