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Guy Problem Revisited!

DetectableNinja
Posts: 6,043
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8/6/2012 6:34:44 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Well....this is the same guy that I've liked for years. I haven't seen him all summer until today, and while the feelings never ceased, really hit me today again. Pow.

But, to start from the beginning. I've had this great friend for years, and a couple years ago, feelings started to develop for him, and now I'm really strongly in like. Part of the problem is that I'm getting mixed signals. Ever since I came out, I started, there was an increase in flirt-like actions/flirting from him. But what made the feelings even stronger is that he suddenly began acting more genuine as well: in the sense that he became much more interested in me personally in addition to the flirting. And, in my own perception, the way I'm treated is not the same way he talks to other guys.

But so enters the caveat: there seems to be no express indication that he is attracted to guys at all.

And so enters my sticky situation: I'm really starting to reach a boil with these feelings. I've talked about this situation before, and concluded to keep silent. However, day by day, I continue to question whether to say something, and if so, when.

But what do you think?
Think'st thou heaven is such a glorious thing?
I tell thee, 'tis not half so fair as thou
Or any man that breathes on earth.

- Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus
Lordknukle
Posts: 12,788
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8/6/2012 7:09:24 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
"Easy is the descent to Avernus, for the door to the Underworld lies upon both day and night. But to retrace your steps and return to the breezes above- that's the task, that's the toil."
Lordknukle
Posts: 12,788
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8/6/2012 7:10:34 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
On a serious note, the chances of him being gay are about 2% so if you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with him by coming out, then it is statistically recommendable to shut up.
"Easy is the descent to Avernus, for the door to the Underworld lies upon both day and night. But to retrace your steps and return to the breezes above- that's the task, that's the toil."
DetectableNinja
Posts: 6,043
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8/6/2012 7:10:54 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 7:09:24 PM, Lordknukle wrote:


Ha ha ha. Very funny.
Think'st thou heaven is such a glorious thing?
I tell thee, 'tis not half so fair as thou
Or any man that breathes on earth.

- Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus
Lordknukle
Posts: 12,788
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8/6/2012 7:11:07 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 7:10:34 PM, Lordknukle wrote:
On a serious note, the chances of him being gay are about 2% so if you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with him by coming out, then it is statistically recommendable to shut up.

That came out wrong. Not shut up as is "not talk about it here" but as in "not talk to him about it."
"Easy is the descent to Avernus, for the door to the Underworld lies upon both day and night. But to retrace your steps and return to the breezes above- that's the task, that's the toil."
DetectableNinja
Posts: 6,043
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8/6/2012 7:11:45 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 7:10:34 PM, Lordknukle wrote:
On a serious note, the chances of him being gay are about 2% so if you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with him by coming out, then it is statistically recommendable to shut up.

Thank you for restating what literally everyone has said.

I'm just so fvcking sick of it, though. Honestly.
Think'st thou heaven is such a glorious thing?
I tell thee, 'tis not half so fair as thou
Or any man that breathes on earth.

- Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus
DetectableNinja
Posts: 6,043
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8/6/2012 7:16:42 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 7:12:52 PM, Maikuru wrote:
Tell him. Problem solved!

Well. THAT problem.

However, what we see coming down the pike is a slew of other potential problems--ranging from awkwardness at best to complete relationship breakdown and social tarnishing at worst.

Of course, there's always the SLIM hope that the feelings are, in a crazy miracle, reciprocated, but that's probably totally false. Wishful thinking.
Think'st thou heaven is such a glorious thing?
I tell thee, 'tis not half so fair as thou
Or any man that breathes on earth.

- Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus
J.Kenyon
Posts: 4,194
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8/6/2012 7:34:04 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Not nearly enough information to go on. You either want to know if you're reading too far into things, in which case you're wasting your time here, or you're looking for courage, in which case, man the fck up.
Maikuru
Posts: 9,112
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8/6/2012 7:35:39 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 7:16:42 PM, DetectableNinja wrote:
At 8/6/2012 7:12:52 PM, Maikuru wrote:
Tell him. Problem solved!

Well. THAT problem.

However, what we see coming down the pike is a slew of other potential problems--ranging from awkwardness at best to complete relationship breakdown and social tarnishing at worst.

Of course, there's always the SLIM hope that the feelings are, in a crazy miracle, reciprocated, but that's probably totally false. Wishful thinking.

Isn't that your answer then? Unless the question is whether or not to end the friendship preemptively.
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde

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DetectableNinja
Posts: 6,043
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8/6/2012 7:37:38 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 7:34:04 PM, J.Kenyon wrote:
Not nearly enough information to go on. You either want to know if you're reading too far into things, in which case you're wasting your time here, or you're looking for courage, in which case, man the fck up.

I just want to share my feelings with someone else, as fcking cliche and trite and effeminate as that sounds. I don't have any other people who this would be appropriate to talk about and I just can't not talk about it any more with anyone.
Think'st thou heaven is such a glorious thing?
I tell thee, 'tis not half so fair as thou
Or any man that breathes on earth.

- Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus
DetectableNinja
Posts: 6,043
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8/6/2012 7:40:30 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 7:39:37 PM, Mirza wrote:
You call this a problem?

At this point, I regret bringing it up.
Think'st thou heaven is such a glorious thing?
I tell thee, 'tis not half so fair as thou
Or any man that breathes on earth.

- Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus
ConservativePolitico
Posts: 8,210
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8/6/2012 8:07:32 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
If you don't think he's gay (which you say he's probably not) then I wouldn't tell him

He probably seemed more genuine either A) because he suspected all along and was relieved you came out or B) he is a great friend who is open to something like that.

However, if he was gay too and felt the same way he probably would have told you when you came out or shortly after.
DetectableNinja
Posts: 6,043
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8/6/2012 8:11:38 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 8:07:32 PM, ConservativePolitico wrote:
If you don't think he's gay (which you say he's probably not) then I wouldn't tell him

He probably seemed more genuine either A) because he suspected all along and was relieved you came out or B) he is a great friend who is open to something like that.

However, if he was gay too and felt the same way he probably would have told you when you came out or shortly after.

What I meant is that after the coming out the flirting ramped up for a couple months (ie, impersonal, playful), but it shifted into a much more personal, serious, deeper level of communication (still with flirtatious undertones though). I get that flirting means absolutely nothing, but the seriousness that's been adopted has really shaken me.
Think'st thou heaven is such a glorious thing?
I tell thee, 'tis not half so fair as thou
Or any man that breathes on earth.

- Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus
Lasagna
Posts: 2,440
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8/6/2012 11:13:37 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Yeah I don't envy you. My first instinct is to tell you simply to ask him if he's gay, without saying you are interested in him. [I didn't know you were gay BTW - DDO should have a symbol for that next to your gender.] However I imagine you've thought of that already... My big question to you is "does he know you're gay?" Unless you're in the closet he must know.

My former landlord tried telling me he was gay once. Frankly, it freaked me out. He did it in a way that was supposed to beat around the bush. I had no idea he was gay, because he is the least-obvious gay guy I have ever met (and know about, anyway). He started talking about circle-jerks and the like, and I was like, deer in the headlights, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY TALKING ABOUT?! My point is that subtlety is over-rated when it comes to this stuff. People DON'T like wondering about you. They like to know where you stand so they can establish their boundaries properly.

If he doesn't know you're gay, then tell him. You owe him that and more importantly you owe YOURSELF that because keeping that hidden is a disaster. So assuming that he knows/you're going to tell him, why don't you just ask him about his orientation? If he's straight he'll be more than willing to tell you, I assure you. If he does say he is straight then you will need to assure him that you are going to respect that fact, because it's downright annoying when gay guys pursue straight guys. Some gay guys have the charisma to do it without causing much discomfort, but not most. If he says anything other than "straight," then there's not much advice I can give you - you're in the same boat as the rest of us. You just need to spend time with him and let things develop naturally. Alcohol has been known to expedite the process, I hear.
Rob
Maikuru
Posts: 9,112
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8/6/2012 11:43:51 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 11:13:37 PM, Lasagna wrote:
Yeah I don't envy you. My first instinct is to tell you simply to ask him if he's gay, without saying you are interested in him. [I didn't know you were gay BTW - DDO should have a symbol for that next to your gender.]

LOL I'm curious what you have in mind.
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde

https://i.imgflip.com...
YYW
Posts: 36,252
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8/7/2012 2:50:56 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 7:37:38 PM, DetectableNinja wrote:
At 8/6/2012 7:34:04 PM, J.Kenyon wrote:
Not nearly enough information to go on. You either want to know if you're reading too far into things, in which case you're wasting your time here, or you're looking for courage, in which case, man the fck up.

I just want to share my feelings with someone else, as fcking cliche and trite and effeminate as that sounds. I don't have any other people who this would be appropriate to talk about and I just can't not talk about it any more with anyone.

Just see if he wants to hang out with you. Be honest with him about what you want (if you are publicly out) but let him know that it's ok and that you understand if he isn't interested. Courtship is courtship, wether you are gay or straight. There is no secret formula for success, however. Just don't be weird about it.
Tsar of DDO
Maikuru
Posts: 9,112
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8/7/2012 3:00:33 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
My first girlfriend wasn't sure if I liked her at first, so one day when we were hanging out, she lifted up her shirt and asked if I liked her bra. Worked like a damned charm.

It was a nice bra, by the way.
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde

https://i.imgflip.com...
YYW
Posts: 36,252
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8/7/2012 3:15:57 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/7/2012 3:00:33 AM, Maikuru wrote:
My first girlfriend wasn't sure if I liked her at first, so one day when we were hanging out, she lifted up her shirt and asked if I liked her bra. Worked like a damned charm.

It was a nice bra, by the way.

lol
Tsar of DDO
JaxsonRaine
Posts: 3,606
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8/7/2012 3:29:26 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/6/2012 6:34:44 PM, DetectableNinja wrote:
Well....this is the same guy that I've liked for years. I haven't seen him all summer until today, and while the feelings never ceased, really hit me today again. Pow.

But, to start from the beginning. I've had this great friend for years, and a couple years ago, feelings started to develop for him, and now I'm really strongly in like. Part of the problem is that I'm getting mixed signals. Ever since I came out, I started, there was an increase in flirt-like actions/flirting from him. But what made the feelings even stronger is that he suddenly began acting more genuine as well: in the sense that he became much more interested in me personally in addition to the flirting. And, in my own perception, the way I'm treated is not the same way he talks to other guys.

But so enters the caveat: there seems to be no express indication that he is attracted to guys at all.

And so enters my sticky situation: I'm really starting to reach a boil with these feelings. I've talked about this situation before, and concluded to keep silent. However, day by day, I continue to question whether to say something, and if so, when.

But what do you think?

1 - Don't choose to be gay(That is what my mom would say... ugh)
2 - I'm really glad that I'm married. Dating was the most miserable trial I've ever experienced. I'm sorry, best of luck.

My only real advice, is go for your own happiness and screw anyone who has a problem with it(well, as in... you know... who needs them, not the other kind of screw).

Dating sucked for me because I was interested in finding someone compatable with me, and I wasn't at all interested in just fooling around with something that wasn't going anywhere. I wouldn't play games, and I did specific things that would annoy the girls that weren't interested in a real relationship, just so I could weed them out.

My life turned around when I joined an online dating site. For my profile, instead of a stupid 'I enjoy dancing and long walks on the beach', I wrote a letter to the girl I was looking for, about the life I wanted to share with her. Literally the next day I met my wife, and we got married 3 weeks after that.

So I would say, be yourself. You'll never be happy if you don't go looking for it.
twocupcakes: 15 = 13
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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8/7/2012 9:49:09 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
You need to figure out if he's gay or bi-curious. I was really sneaky about this in HS (and it's a tactic I still use to sleep with straight girls today... lol). Just for sh!ts and giggles I'll tell you what I do, though this isn't any sort of advice - it's just amusing.

What I usually do is casually mention a guy that I find really attractive, and say they're hot. Usually the girl is thinking to themselves "But I thought she was gay..." so then they'll ask me about it. I usually say something along the lines of, "Well yeah, I'm gay, but it doesn't mean I'm not into guys or that I can't find them wildly attractive. I can tell if someone is attractive - it doesn't mean I wanna sleep with them. Aren't there girls that you find attractive...?"

Usually they respond by saying, "Well yeah..." and then I'll say "Like who?" They'll usually reply with something along the lines of Mila Kunis or whatever. I'll say "Yeah she's really beautiful. I'd totally hook up with her if I were you. I mean you can hook up with girls -- it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean you have to label yourself as gay or bi or whatever. It's just something you might try, whatever. No big deal."

This usually pique's the girls interest hardcore. Usually everyone is a TINY bit curious but too afraid to act on it. I usually foster a conversation where the girl feels almost inclined to try it because I brush it off as no big deal. By saying that I'm into guys (I'm not), I'm giving off the impression that you CAN like both - which seems obvious but isn't - and usually the girl is then a lot more inclined to experiment with me, LOL.

Sometime after that conversation is usually when I'll flirt and make my move. I haven't been turned down yet, which I think is a combination of a) being really good at what I do... it's fairly manipulative in a way to be honest, and b) going for girls that I'm pretty sure are actually bi-curious. If I get zero reaction from them I'm obviously not going to go for it. But if I get a slight reciprocation or notice the slightest interest/curiosity, I totally am. And it works.
President of DDO
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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8/7/2012 9:56:10 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
But if I had to give you advice specifically, I'd say be confident. It's a lot easier said than done, but confidence is one of those things you can completely fake. I do it all the time. Even if you're INCREDIBLY nervous, nobody has to know about it. People are going to react to you and how you come off. If at any point you declare your sexuality around him, be confident about it. Don't let it show for one second that you're remotely ashamed or scared of what other people might think. I mean, if you get into a heart to heart about it with him (or anyone), then sure you can admit your fears and concerns for how others might perceive you, etc. But for the most part, being confident in who you are and saying it without hesitation - and like you couldn't give two fucks what anyone thinks - that is definitely going to intrigue someone. It would particularly intrigue someone who shared similar feelings or thoughts.

I think that if you're just like "Oh yeah, I'm into guys. Totally. No big deal" then if HE were also into guys (or curious), he would feel comfortable telling or experimenting with you at some point. If he wasn't, he'd just brush it off. But at least he would know the truth (as Lasagna said was important in establishing trust and boundaries), and I think it gives people A LOT less leeway to make fun of you or attempt to insult you when you own something about yourself rather than treat it as an insecurity or something they can make fun of. For instance when people call me any number of slurs (I ALWAYS get called a dyke when I turn down a guy cat calling me), I'm like yeah... so?! How is that an insult? Being called gay is not an insult. It's who I am. It's who you are (or bi, or whatever). Big deal. Own it. Again this is a lot easier said than done, but I can assure you if you adopt this IDGAF attitude about it, you will feel a lot better, more honest, and it will completely draw a lot of people TO you.
President of DDO
WMdebate
Posts: 19
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8/7/2012 10:33:41 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
This might work: ... then again, he might punch you in the face and never talk to you again... but at least you'd get some action. ;-)

Plus, if he's nice like Paul Rudd, you'll be invited to his wedding at the end of the movie.
OberHerr
Posts: 13,062
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8/7/2012 11:32:48 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
Ask him. If he really is that good of a friend, should he care?

I mean, I get how it would be awkward for some time after that, but I'm sure if he's not, which is quite a bit more likely sorry to say :(, AND he's a good friend, that legitimately wants to be your friend, you being gay shouldn't be an issue, whether your attracted to him or not.

Sorta like if I have a friend that's a girl, that I'm legitimately attracted to. Does that mean it's any more awkwark? No. Now, I get it's different for guys, but if he really is a good friend, why should it matter?

Honestly, I think the hardest part is going to be getting the nerve to do it.
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