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Hypothetical Situation Here

YYW
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8/10/2012 1:38:42 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
If your best friend came out to you (as in told you that he/she was gay) would that change how you view him/her? How and why?

Let's stipulate that your best friend has not said that they are in love with you/have a crush on you/etc.

The reason I ask is that I was having a conversation with some friends of mine earlier tonight. Among their sentiments:

1) "I would feel betrayed that he/she didn't trust me to tell me sooner."

I thought that was bullsh!t, but predictable. I also thought that was kind of a shallow, personally.

2) "I wouldn't really know what to do, but we would still be friends and everything."

This seemed ok.

3) "I would be proud of them, because I can't even imagine how hard that must be."

I thought that was a good response.

4) "I don't see how the friendship could remain the same. If my best friend, a guy, told me he was gay that would change the way we thought about each other. It would be like being friends with a girl, because there would always be a sort of sexual tension between us."

This is a -charitable- rewording of a response that I understood (because I knew that person's background), but wasn't especially fond of.

5) "It wouldn't matter to me at all. I don't know what that is like at all, but if we're friends then we're friends. We'd just resume playing call of duty."

This seemed ok too.

--

And now a twist:

There are some of you guys on here that are old enough to be parents, and I'm curious. What if your son/daughter came out to you? How would you respond? Would it change anything?

--

The reason I'm interested is because this is an incredibly diverse group of people on here. Some are religious, others are not. Some are conservative, liberal, etc. Some are young, adolescents, adults and a few are even old enough to have grandkids. I'd like as many perspectives as possible.
Tsar of DDO
Maikuru
Posts: 9,112
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8/10/2012 2:10:09 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
I've got two best friends: an ex-girlfriend and a guy I've openly suspected of being gay since we met 12 years ago. If either one of them admitted to being gay, it would probably lead to a hilarious conversation lol. With my ex, I'd want to know if and how that may have impacted our relationship, but we were together so long ago it wouldn't matter. For the guy, I'd just ask him why he wanted so long but again, it wouldn't matter. I can't think of anything that would change.

Now, as a kid, my uncle thought I was gay and it made me think about how I would react if my kid ever came out to me. More specifically, I thought about how I would make sure that they'd feel comfortable telling me that or anything else of significance. I think it starts by establishing trust and open communication early on so talks like that don't have to be as dramatic.
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
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MouthWash
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8/10/2012 2:29:25 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
I don't view homosexuality as being healthy, but that wouldn't have much effect on a friendship. I knew a lesbian once.

As for the kid scenario, I don't know. I'm fifteen.
"Well, that gives whole new meaning to my assassination. If I was going to die anyway, perhaps I should leave the Bolsheviks' descendants some Christmas cookies instead of breaking their dishes and vodka bottles in their sleep." -Tsar Nicholas II (YYW)
MouthWash
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8/10/2012 2:30:26 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 2:10:09 AM, Maikuru wrote:
I've got two best friends: an ex-girlfriend and a guy I've openly suspected of being gay since we met 12 years ago. If either one of them admitted to being gay, it would probably lead to a hilarious conversation lol. With my ex, I'd want to know if and how that may have impacted our relationship, but we were together so long ago it wouldn't matter. For the guy, I'd just ask him why he wanted so long but again, it wouldn't matter. I can't think of anything that would change.

Now, as a kid, my uncle thought I was gay and it made me think about how I would react if my kid ever came out to me. More specifically, I thought about how I would make sure that they'd feel comfortable telling me that or anything else of significance. I think it starts by establishing trust and open communication early on so talks like that don't have to be as dramatic.

F***en f***
"Well, that gives whole new meaning to my assassination. If I was going to die anyway, perhaps I should leave the Bolsheviks' descendants some Christmas cookies instead of breaking their dishes and vodka bottles in their sleep." -Tsar Nicholas II (YYW)
Korashk
Posts: 4,597
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8/10/2012 3:19:50 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
I wouldn't care in both scenarios. In the case of my friend I'd probably add a new category to my guy friend insult repertoire.
When large numbers of otherwise-law abiding people break specific laws en masse, it's usually a fault that lies with the law. - Unknown
ScottyDouglas
Posts: 2,350
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8/10/2012 3:25:07 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 1:38:42 AM, YYW wrote:
If your best friend came out to you (as in told you that he/she was gay) would that change how you view him/her? How and why?

It would change the relationship some. I would not view them any differently as a person. I would always be a friend to anyone if I firstly accepted them as such before. I am Christian and my views should be obvious from there on how I feel about homosexuality in itself. I never judge the person but the act. On the side, I have some homosexual friends I know. I choose to stay away from homosexual men only because I do not want the reaction I mite have if Im approached in such a manner. I find it digusting and my attitude toward a man that comes on to me may not be pleasent. Though I have no problem with homosexual men or women for being friends. I find homosexuality wrong but I do many things I consider wrong. If I can not stop myself from doing wrong I think is wrong I can not exspect anyone else to do so either(including even if they do not see it as wrong). I use to be very touchy about the subject when I was younger because I never was around homosexuals. Now that I am closer to God and have been around many homosexuals in my life. They are no different than any other person. We all have our own issues to deal with. Mine are no more less than anybody elses.
TheAsylum
YYW
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8/10/2012 5:27:21 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 3:25:07 AM, ScottyDouglas wrote:
At 8/10/2012 1:38:42 AM, YYW wrote:
If your best friend came out to you (as in told you that he/she was gay) would that change how you view him/her? How and why?

It would change the relationship some. I would not view them any differently as a person. I would always be a friend to anyone if I firstly accepted them as such before. I am Christian and my views should be obvious from there on how I feel about homosexuality in itself. I never judge the person but the act. On the side, I have some homosexual friends I know. I choose to stay away from homosexual men only because I do not want the reaction I mite have if Im approached in such a manner. I find it digusting and my attitude toward a man that comes on to me may not be pleasent. Though I have no problem with homosexual men or women for being friends. I find homosexuality wrong but I do many things I consider wrong. If I can not stop myself from doing wrong I think is wrong I can not exspect anyone else to do so either(including even if they do not see it as wrong). I use to be very touchy about the subject when I was younger because I never was around homosexuals. Now that I am closer to God and have been around many homosexuals in my life. They are no different than any other person. We all have our own issues to deal with. Mine are no more less than anybody elses.

Ok, that's interesting and I'm glad you shared that. Yours is actually one of the views I was most interested in on here. But I've got to ask... you're old enough to have a son or daughter.

If you had a son or daughter, and he/she were gay, would you want them to come out to you or would you prefer that they keep that aspect of who they were from you?

and

If your son/daughter were gay, what would you do, in any case?

---

If you want to send your answer via PM, that's fine, but I really am interested. Even if your answer is that you have no idea, because such a situation would be too hard to anticipate.
Tsar of DDO
bossyburrito
Posts: 14,075
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8/10/2012 5:38:23 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
I wouldn't care in both scenarios.
#UnbanTheMadman

"Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights..."

~ Rush
ScottyDouglas
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8/10/2012 6:16:34 AM
Posted: 4 years ago

Ok, that's interesting and I'm glad you shared that. Yours is actually one of the views I was most interested in on here. But I've got to ask... you're old enough to have a son or daughter.

I have a son and talk to him about such things. Not on a deep level as this but more a encouraging level. Encouraging that Jesus and love for all should be his beliefs. Though I can not choose for him just guide.

If you had a son or daughter, and he/she were gay, would you want them to come out to you or would you prefer that they keep that aspect of who they were from you?

Of course I would want to know. Like I do my son now. I teach him to be honest and never lie. I teach him to always share even if it is embarassing or hard. These lessons teaches to stand up for your beliefs and never shy from fear.

and

If your son/daughter were gay, what would you do, in any case?

I hope he never goes that route but I can not make that decision for him. Of course it would disappoint but the love would never die. I would love my children in any case. All you can do is pray and wait for them to choose the right thing or allow them to choose the wrong. Loss of love should never be a result. If it is then they are not acting as loving parents or in my case a Christian. My beliefs are against it but beliefs also say love everyone no matter their actions.

---

If you want to send your answer via PM, that's fine, but I really am interested. Even if your answer is that you have no idea, because such a situation would be too hard to anticipate.

I have no troubles voicing how I feel. Thanks for the thought.
TheAsylum
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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8/10/2012 6:50:55 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 1:38:42 AM, YYW wrote:
4) "I don't see how the friendship could remain the same. If my best friend, a guy, told me he was gay that would change the way we thought about each other. It would be like being friends with a girl, because there would always be a sort of sexual tension between us."

I don't like this response at all (but I understand that you know the speaker on a different level). I'm gay, and let me tell you something - my best friend is gorgeous. In addition she is smart, funny, talented, artistic, outgoing, charming, gracious, down-to-earth, trendy, stylish and exceedingly NICE... yet there is not one shred of sexual tension between us (we've made out before though lol). I am gay and she is not. Over the past 10 years, she has never once made me feel like she was worried that I had a crush on her, and thank gawd for that. Because I don't. At all. Granted she means EVERYTHING to me and has become closer than family; in fact after my grandmother, she is hands down my favorite person in the world. Yet despite all of her amazing qualities and how beautiful I KNOW she is, I just simply don't see her like that and it's not necessarily the case that someone would be into you (especially someone you see as such a close friend) just because they're gay. Is there automatically sexual tension between a straight guy and his sister just because they're both straight? Probably not.

There are some of you guys on here that are old enough to be parents, and I'm curious. What if your son/daughter came out to you? How would you respond? Would it change anything?

Disclaimer: I'm completely biased. This is something that I think about all the time. It really bothers me that parents claim to love their kids more than anything in the world - and even claim that they would take a bullet for them - yet they can't BITE the bullet when it comes to their kid being gay, and just accept it and embrace the kid's honesty and courage rather than outwardly condemn them or even subtly reinforce their disdain. I feel like even if it really bothers you that your kid is gay, I'm sure it really bothers THEM too (it's not an easy lifestyle). As a parent, I would expect someone to be there for them and offer support - but sadly that is not the case. I lived with my girlfriend for 3 years and my mom never once asked her fvcking name. I've been dating women for a decade and my mom (who is very socially liberal) has never once asked me ANYTHING about any one of them, let alone to meet them. I don't think parents understand how much that can really kill their child and make them feel alone and rejected by the people who "love them most" just like they often feel from the rest of society at large. While I can understand frustration, fear and possibly even resentment on the parents behalf (if they're the type still ignorant to think you can choose your sexuality), but I don't understand how they can't put aside their feelings when parents always claim to love their kids "more than they love themselves." Apparently not if they obsess over their feelings and that trumps being a good, involved, loving parent to their gay kids. Oh and the fact that some parents are okay with OTHERS being gay but not THEIR kids makes me want to slap them in the face. Straight up. That's my initial reaction.
President of DDO
ScottyDouglas
Posts: 2,350
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8/10/2012 7:10:50 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
@Danielle: "It really bothers me that parents claim to love their kids more than anything in the world - and even claim that they would take a bullet for them - yet they can't BITE the bullet when it comes to their kid being gay, and just accept it and embrace the kid's honesty and courage rather than outwardly condemn them or even subtly reinforce their disdain. I feel like even if it really bothers you that your kid is gay, I'm sure it really bothers THEM too (it's not an easy lifestyle). As a parent, I would expect someone to be there for them and offer support - but sadly that is not the case. I lived with my girlfriend for 3 years and my mom never once asked her fvcking name. I've been dating women for a decade and my mom (who is very socially liberal) has never once asked me ANYTHING about any one of them, let alone to meet them. I don't think parents understand how much that can really kill their child and make them feel alone and rejected by the people who "love them most" just like they often feel from the rest of society at large. "

I agree that parents should loving regardless. But do you really exspect your mother to meet anyone you date(homosexual of course)? The reason she probably would not and I would not is because that signals approval. If it is accepted then it negates you ever looking at it as wrong. When it is in her mind and belief. Should she side step her beliefs to make you feel better? Should she accept you as gay and undermine her beliefs just so you feel better about it? She should always reject that life style and never meet anyone female you bring around because it allows acceptance. Should she love YOU regardless, yes, but never put her beliefs aside just so you can feel better. Would you?
TheAsylum
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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8/10/2012 7:21:37 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
My mom has no problem with gay people. She has a problem with ME being gay, because it makes her uncomfortable for whatever reason apparently. Personally, I wouldn't want to think about my kid (or parent) having sex with anyone - male or female. Yet relationships and sex are a part of life. She isn't religious and she isn't conservative, so there isn't a reason for her to be so stand-offish. We just have a very awkward relationship in general because we don't communicate well. However even if she DID disagree with homosexuality, as a parent I would expect her to have a dialog with me about it to see if we can put aside our differences, find some common ground or at the very least acknowledge what is going on to make us both feel better about the situation. Ignoring it doesn't make anything better and in fact makes it a lot worse. I think parents have a responsibility to raise their children (even if it includes expressing disapproval) and not just provide for them. She doesn't have to change her views, but she should respect me and that includes respecting my relationships.
President of DDO
ScottyDouglas
Posts: 2,350
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8/10/2012 7:28:15 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 7:21:37 AM, Danielle wrote:
My mom has no problem with gay people. She has a problem with ME being gay, because it makes her uncomfortable for whatever reason apparently. Personally, I wouldn't want to think about my kid (or parent) having sex with anyone - male or female. Yet relationships and sex are a part of life. She isn't religious and she isn't conservative, so there isn't a reason for her to be so stand-offish. We just have a very awkward relationship in general because we don't communicate well. However even if she DID disagree with homosexuality, as a parent I would expect her to have a dialog with me about it to see if we can put aside our differences, find some common ground or at the very least acknowledge what is going on to make us both feel better about the situation. Ignoring it doesn't make anything better and in fact makes it a lot worse. I think parents have a responsibility to raise their children (even if it includes expressing disapproval) and not just provide for them. She doesn't have to change her views, but she should respect me and that includes respecting my relationships.

I agree with every single word except the bottom part- respecting your relationship- that is not her responsibility. Afar from that I see your point and agree.
TheAsylum
ScottyDouglas
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8/10/2012 7:50:12 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 7:34:44 AM, HelterSkelter wrote:
I have a brilliant idea for you guys:

Stop being gay.

I thought this way at one time. Though in really thinking about it, can you stop your sins? We are born into sin, therefore homosexuals are born into their sin as any straight person is. This does not give any creditability to homosexuality being ok but it does shed light on that no one on earth is without sin and therefore homosexuals are no different.
TheAsylum
HelterSkelter
Posts: 281
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8/10/2012 7:59:47 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 7:50:12 AM, ScottyDouglas wrote:
At 8/10/2012 7:34:44 AM, HelterSkelter wrote:
I have a brilliant idea for you guys:

Stop being gay.

I thought this way at one time. Though in really thinking about it, can you stop your sins? We are born into sin, therefore homosexuals are born into their sin as any straight person is. This does not give any creditability to homosexuality being ok but it does shed light on that no one on earth is without sin and therefore homosexuals are no different.

Yes, and we are supposed to make efforts to not sin instead of accepting our sins. They should make every effort to stop being gay.
ScottyDouglas
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8/10/2012 8:00:44 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 7:59:47 AM, HelterSkelter wrote:
At 8/10/2012 7:50:12 AM, ScottyDouglas wrote:
At 8/10/2012 7:34:44 AM, HelterSkelter wrote:
I have a brilliant idea for you guys:

Stop being gay.

I thought this way at one time. Though in really thinking about it, can you stop your sins? We are born into sin, therefore homosexuals are born into their sin as any straight person is. This does not give any creditability to homosexuality being ok but it does shed light on that no one on earth is without sin and therefore homosexuals are no different.

Yes, and we are supposed to make efforts to not sin instead of accepting our sins. They should make every effort to stop being gay.

Cant argue with that.
TheAsylum
Ren
Posts: 7,102
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8/10/2012 8:32:48 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
As a friend:

I tend to take sexuality less serious than most people. Throughout my social life, I've noticed that the full dimension of human interaction could not possibly conform to the simplistic blurbs that comprise societal norms. So, when it comes to things like sexuality, I've abandoned "sexual preferences" as as hard, immutable distinctions, and instead leave wiggle room for people to be unique and unpredictable.

In this regard, I understand that when someone indicates a sexual preference, they're stating which gender they're most likely to have sex with, and that's fine. But, ultimately, unless we're getting dishy with each other (or sex is an interest to either or both of us, or you're confiding in me), it's really none of my business and largely irrelevant.

Ultimately, you have to admit that, from an outside perspective, men and women look largely the same, and our most noticeable physical distinctions are ornamental. Women are shaped a little differently, and are a little smaller, but they probably look just like men to animals -- until you see how they behave.

So, really, it's what floats your boat, in mannerisms, general temperament, perspective, wiring and all that which draw the major lines between men and women -- the way they carry themselves, rather than simply how they look. And, if you think about that, you'll realize that it's mostly abstract, leading down a road that converges at biological determinism and the free will-borne artwork behind coy advances, flirting, and courting.

But, even the physical aspect of sexuality isn't so simple, is it? Take for example, the physical nature of a relationship between homosexual men. Granted -- the intimacy is one thing, as I'm sure being in a man's arms is distinct, and the way a man treats you when he's being tender is specific, as well. But, the last thing I ever hear from any homosexual male for as long as I've lived, is that they're gay because the smell of shiit turns them on, or they're really hot for a puckered anus specifically.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Generally speaking, I'm sure that turns them on to an extent, but I'm pretty sure they would prefer if it were self-lubed, and even if it still smelled carnal, that did not smell like shiit. Ultimately, women who take care of themselves smell pleasantly, as far as I'm concerned. I believe, to a great extent, although the anus is an extremely relevant and pervasive part of the homosexual male's sex life, just about the entirety of a man's sexual appeal is concentrated in the front of his body. In that regard, sexual acts between men appear much more passion-induced, than they are outright sexual. Sure, there's the stimulation and there's the release, but each person in the encounter is stimulated in entirely different, almost disconnected ways, thus the connection being an abstracted linking factor that makes it the same act for both of them.

As for homosexual women, I fancy that's a bit more physical -- they are made to be physically alluring. Men are built more practically, as far as I can tell. Women have embellishes -- like breasts, eyes, lips, and hair -- that make it apparent that they were made to be looked at. They have a certain construction that makes it apparent they were made to be touched. They're flexible, lithe, soft, and suggestive. Some say lips on a woman, for example, are meant to reflect labia. This is why we can apply certain adjectives to women that rarely apply to men, such as languid or mellifluous, and such words always have a tint of seduction. Moreover, when women are in the throes of passion, whether together or with men, they're experiencing largely the same sensations no matter what. They were made to feel good -- it is in the biological makeup of women to have a purr mechanism, and unless you cause her to purr, she will not be satisfied. To help with such endeavors, is an entire clitoris apparatus. It should make things a lot easier, but somehow, it just confuses people in their limited imaginations.

In exploring such things, it becomes harder to assume that sexuality is cut-and-dry, or that it should be based on simplistic conclusions drawn from our limited understanding of biology. Having sex with someone starts moments after you meet them, if it's to happen at all. All of that interaction is completely relevant to the sex, and will contribute to how the sex turns out when you're both close to orgasm. These different degrees and steps of sex are shared by everyone. I'm sure most male kids meet guys they develop a mild crush on, and they'll probably eyefvck, and even talkfvck them every day for years. Women are a lot more forward with such things, and I fancy this is why the majority I encounter always have some sort of bisexual encounter in their history. I'm sure it goes no further between males, because of the social climate, or they'd likely be like women in that regard.

All this being said, simple sexual preference is a microfilm-thin layer at the surface of the issue. Sexuality gets much more intense than that. People can be extremely strange. A foot fetish is weirder than homosexuality, if you ask me. Some people get hot from popping pimples. The world is weird, man.

OP -- when I was 15, I didn't understand shiit about sexuality. I started having sex a year later, and it cleared a lot of things up for me. Confused the shiit out of me, too. You'll be confused by everything for a while. But, if you really try to keep an open mind, you may come to really embrace it for what it is.
Ren
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8/10/2012 8:43:27 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
My Children -- So, the second part of the question was, how would I react to my kids telling me that they're gay?

Well, foremost, I would probably be concerned with the fact that they're exploring their sexuality in a way that I'm unaware. If my kid makes it all the way to mid-adolescence and I didn't notice that he or she were gay, then I'm probably not paying enough attention to them.

Then, I'd sit them down and explain everything they need to know, since it's something not commonly accepted, thus resulting in little information transfer. If I have a son, I'd try to make him as prudish as possible, as men tend to be promiscuous (extremely), and that can be extremely dangerous. I'd explain to him how much he's socially limiting himself -- many people in our society are against it, and there's less homosexual men (or, men that would allow themselves to be fruity) than there are heterosexual women out there (and it's hard enough getting a decent heterosexual woman). So, he'd have a tough road ahead, and I'd try to prepare him for that.

If I have a daughter, then I would probably be relieved that she will finish school and meet her potential, if she desires, without the risk of some guy knocking her up and leaving her. In fact, that she can live her life without being preyed upon by men (to the extent that she can also protect herself). Perhaps, things might be a little less misogynistic by then, but I doubt it. Other than that, I wouldn't know what to say. I'm not a woman, and I don't know what it's like. I'd get my wife to talk to her about it. This society is much more forgiving of homosexual women (although not entirely), so I still wouldn't worry about it too much.
Danielle
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8/10/2012 8:44:04 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
Scotty, I consider utilizing the use of air conditioning as a sin. Therefore, it is your responsibility to stop using air conditioning, because I consider it a sin and therefore it must be so. I'm pretty sure the Bible said something about things that are "natural" being good. Even though gay sex comes naturally to gay people, air conditioning certainly is not natural. It is also harmful to the environment (god's creatures). But it's okay - it's for god to judge, though of course I'll remind you that you are a sinner based on my judgment.
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Danielle
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8/10/2012 8:59:46 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 8:43:27 AM, Ren wrote:
My Children -- So, the second part of the question was, how would I react to my kids telling me that they're gay?

Well, foremost, I would probably be concerned with the fact that they're exploring their sexuality in a way that I'm unaware. If my kid makes it all the way to mid-adolescence and I didn't notice that he or she were gay, then I'm probably not paying enough attention to them.

What exactly do you expect to notice? I'm feminine looking, sounding and "acting." I have a girly voice. I wear dresses. I have long hair. I played with dolls growing up. I even had pictures of NSync on my wall. Nobody would assume I was gay when I was an adolescent, but I sure am. In fact one of the things I resent most is people (including my parents) being ignorant and naive enough to "not believe" that I'm gay specifically because I don't "seem gay." But get this - I like sex with women. A lot. And I don't want/like sex with men. I don't think these were things I even knew before adolescence, let alone my parents.

So, he'd have a tough road ahead, and I'd try to prepare him for that.

While I appreciate the honesty, this is something else my parents did that I completely resent. When I told my stepdad I had a girlfriend, he told me that not only my conservative relatives but society as a whole didn't really accept homosexuality, therefore I would have a really tough time. He was basically encouraging me to reject who I am on the basis that OTHER people aren't comfortable with it. In other words, I should live a lie and endure sex and relationships with people I have zero interest in (my relationships would be a lie and I would be completely unfulfilled, and sex would feel more like rape) to make OTHER people more comfortable with who I am. I suppose if I were black and people were uncomfortable, I should bleach my skin too...? Wow. If I have gay kids, I'll warn them about what they'll face, but remind them that I'll be there 100% every step of the way and try to educate other people - because it's THEM who have to change, not gays.

This society is much more forgiving of homosexual women (although not entirely), so I still wouldn't worry about it too much.

No. Gay women receive just as little rights (politically speaking) and just as many scornful stares for PDA as gay men do. The difference is that lesbian relationships have been hypersexualized, so it's considered "hot" in some circles. But while lesbian sex is hot to jerk off to, it's not acceptable (for many) to support or even recognize in real life. Because I'm a feminine woman who likes feminine women, a lot of people don't take my relationships seriously and instead just make comments about threesomes. It's wildly inappropriate and more than a little offensive.
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Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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8/10/2012 9:03:06 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
If my kids came out to me as gay, the most important thing for me would be to let them know that I love them, that I accept them, and that they're not doing anything wrong or inherently immoral. I'd go to great lengths to remind them of this and prove it to them, so they didn't experience any self-loathing. I'd also empower them to stand up for who they are despite all of the intolerant nutters telling them otherwise or trying to make them feel bad about it. I'd want them to know that I am an ally who supports them. I wouldn't support unsafe promiscuity or frivolous, harmful relationships - but I would absolutely encourage they find someone whom they love and makes them feel happy and fulfilled. I would respect them enough to acknowledge their relationship as I would a heterosexual one, because there's no good reason not to. They shouldn't have to change who they are to make others feel more comfortable in their ignorance.
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SarcasticIndeed
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8/10/2012 9:12:18 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
I cannot say that I wouldn't view my friend differently if he came out as gay, but I wouldn't really mind it. I rarely meet gay people though and thus I have no gay friends, so I cannot know what my reaction would be.

I have no idea what would be my first reaction to learn my future son/daughter told me was gay, but I wouldn't stop loving them or think any less of them. I'd be supportive of it.
<SIGNATURE CENSORED> nac
Ren
Posts: 7,102
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8/10/2012 9:22:55 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 8:59:46 AM, Danielle wrote:
At 8/10/2012 8:43:27 AM, Ren wrote:
My Children -- So, the second part of the question was, how would I react to my kids telling me that they're gay?

Well, foremost, I would probably be concerned with the fact that they're exploring their sexuality in a way that I'm unaware. If my kid makes it all the way to mid-adolescence and I didn't notice that he or she were gay, then I'm probably not paying enough attention to them.

What exactly do you expect to notice? I'm feminine looking, sounding and "acting." I have a girly voice. I wear dresses. I have long hair. I played with dolls growing up. I even had pictures of NSync on my wall. Nobody would assume I was gay when I was an adolescent, but I sure am. In fact one of the things I resent most is people (including my parents) being ignorant and naive enough to "not believe" that I'm gay specifically because I don't "seem gay." But get this - I like sex with women. A lot. And I don't want/like sex with men. I don't think these were things I even knew before adolescence, let alone my parents.

Well, yeah, but this is in the case that my kid is in touch with his or her feelings, has come to accept her or his sexuality, and thus conferred it to me.

Now, just think about how this happens with friends. You're cool with someone, and they're completely regular about everything, but you can still tell they're gay -- you've met people like that, right? They check the same gender out, they make comments that are like "huh?" every so often... it's always like that. I mean, however feminine you may be, you'll still drop hints of your sexuality in a social setting.

I see where you're going with this -- that I figure homosexuals have a "way" of acting. That's not what I was suggesting... in the post previous to it, I indicated that I don't even take sexuality seriously, because you never know until you get to know someone. In any case, I've met foppish men, for example, that were markedly feminine, but they were straight.

So, he'd have a tough road ahead, and I'd try to prepare him for that.

While I appreciate the honesty, this is something else my parents did that I completely resent. When I told my stepdad I had a girlfriend, he told me that not only my conservative relatives but society as a whole didn't really accept homosexuality, therefore I would have a really tough time. He was basically encouraging me to reject who I am on the basis that OTHER people aren't comfortable with it. In other words, I should live a lie and endure sex and relationships with people I have zero interest in (my relationships would be a lie and I would be completely unfulfilled, and sex would feel more like rape) to make OTHER people more comfortable with who I am. I suppose if I were black and people were uncomfortable, I should bleach my skin too...? Wow. If I have gay kids, I'll warn them about what they'll face, but remind them that I'll be there 100% every step of the way and try to educate other people - because it's THEM who have to change, not gays.

While I understand where you're coming from, whether or not my kids resent me for it under such circumstances, I would still educate them about how ignorant people tend to be about sexuality. They don't need to hide from their sexuality, per se, but one should be tactful and prepared in social situations. It shouldn't be an outrageous surprise to them that people can be bigots. They should be prepared beforehand for that kind of shiit.

This society is much more forgiving of homosexual women (although not entirely), so I still wouldn't worry about it too much.

No. Gay women receive just as little rights (politically speaking) and just as many scornful stares for PDA as gay men do. The difference is that lesbian relationships have been hypersexualized, so it's considered "hot" in some circles. But while lesbian sex is hot to jerk off to, it's not acceptable (for many) to support or even recognize in real life.

...yeah. But, lesbians don't get tied to cars and dragged down dirt roads every so often, ya know?

Because I'm a feminine woman who likes feminine women, a lot of people don't take my relationships seriously and instead just make comments about threesomes. It's wildly inappropriate and more than a little offensive.

Well, yeah, but wouldn't that be offensive to anyone? That's just a stupid thing to say.

Sounds to me as though you've heard you're a hot chick, though, eh? :P
baggins
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8/10/2012 11:09:35 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 1:38:42 AM, YYW wrote:
If your best friend came out to you (as in told you that he/she was gay) would that change how you view him/her? How and why?

Let's stipulate that your best friend has not said that they are in love with you/have a crush on you/etc.

The reason I ask is that I was having a conversation with some friends of mine earlier tonight. Among their sentiments:

1) "I would feel betrayed that he/she didn't trust me to tell me sooner."

I thought that was bullsh!t, but predictable. I also thought that was kind of a shallow, personally.

2) "I wouldn't really know what to do, but we would still be friends and everything."

This seemed ok.

3) "I would be proud of them, because I can't even imagine how hard that must be."

I thought that was a good response.

4) "I don't see how the friendship could remain the same. If my best friend, a guy, told me he was gay that would change the way we thought about each other. It would be like being friends with a girl, because there would always be a sort of sexual tension between us."

This is a -charitable- rewording of a response that I understood (because I knew that person's background), but wasn't especially fond of.

5) "It wouldn't matter to me at all. I don't know what that is like at all, but if we're friends then we're friends. We'd just resume playing call of duty."

This seemed ok too.

--

And now a twist:

There are some of you guys on here that are old enough to be parents, and I'm curious. What if your son/daughter came out to you? How would you respond? Would it change anything?


--

The reason I'm interested is because this is an incredibly diverse group of people on here. Some are religious, others are not. Some are conservative, liberal, etc. Some are young, adolescents, adults and a few are even old enough to have grandkids. I'd like as many perspectives as possible.

My only problem with gays is that homosexuality is strongly prohibited in Islam. A person who chooses homosexuality is clearly rebelling against religion. As a result, things are likely to change change with friends (I doubt if I could help that); however I will not terminate friendship completely. In case of my son or daughter, it would be severe disappointment to me. I don't really know how I might react.

I pray to God to save me from such turmoils.
The Holy Quran 29:19-20

See they not how Allah originates creation, then repeats it: truly that is easy for Allah.

Say: "Travel through the earth and see how Allah did originate creation; so will Allah produce a later creation: for Allah has power over all things.
YYW
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8/10/2012 12:22:23 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 7:59:47 AM, HelterSkelter wrote:
At 8/10/2012 7:50:12 AM, ScottyDouglas wrote:
At 8/10/2012 7:34:44 AM, HelterSkelter wrote:
I have a brilliant idea for you guys:

Stop being gay.

I thought this way at one time. Though in really thinking about it, can you stop your sins? We are born into sin, therefore homosexuals are born into their sin as any straight person is. This does not give any creditability to homosexuality being ok but it does shed light on that no one on earth is without sin and therefore homosexuals are no different.

Yes, and we are supposed to make efforts to not sin instead of accepting our sins. They should make every effort to stop being gay.

One cannot stop being gay. There is neither doubt or question about that. You can stop having relationships all together... but that's about it. Who you are attracted to is biological. I thought about posting some of the latest research on the subject, but I don't see the point. If you want to learn, you can educate yourself. If not, that's fine too. In the end, we all are who we are. There is no running from that, no matter how hard a person tries.
Tsar of DDO
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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8/10/2012 12:24:52 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 12:22:23 PM, YYW wrote:
One cannot stop being gay. There is neither doubt or question about that. You can stop having relationships all together... but that's about it. Who you are attracted to is biological. I thought about posting some of the latest research on the subject, but I don't see the point. If you want to learn, you can educate yourself. If not, that's fine too. In the end, we all are who we are. There is no running from that, no matter how hard a person tries.

I was thinking the exact same thing.
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YYW
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8/10/2012 12:35:23 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 8/10/2012 7:21:37 AM, Danielle wrote:
My mom has no problem with gay people. She has a problem with ME being gay, because it makes her uncomfortable for whatever reason apparently. Personally, I wouldn't want to think about my kid (or parent) having sex with anyone - male or female. Yet relationships and sex are a part of life. She isn't religious and she isn't conservative, so there isn't a reason for her to be so stand-offish. We just have a very awkward relationship in general because we don't communicate well. However even if she DID disagree with homosexuality, as a parent I would expect her to have a dialog with me about it to see if we can put aside our differences, find some common ground or at the very least acknowledge what is going on to make us both feel better about the situation. Ignoring it doesn't make anything better and in fact makes it a lot worse. I think parents have a responsibility to raise their children (even if it includes expressing disapproval) and not just provide for them. She doesn't have to change her views, but she should respect me and that includes respecting my relationships.

I think in a lot of ways the way that our parents react to how their kids live their lives can be offsetting in a lot of ways. It is my general impression that if I were in your situation, my mother would react in much the same way. But there are a lot of things that I have done (like taking a job halfway around the world) that she didn't approve of. After my dad died, we both generally came to the understanding that if either of us were going to be a part of each others lives, that it would have to be a based on respect for one another. I think in a lot of ways most people aren't cold enough to make familial relationships conditional, but I am and do. Although in a sense with me I suppose it's always been that way. One way or another though, much of my life I keep separate from my family. It's just easier that way, I suppose.
Tsar of DDO