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Am I Being Too Sensitive?

DetectableNinja
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3/30/2013 3:48:33 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
To preface--if you know me, you know I am a critic of the idea of "the LGBT community," and on the whole, although I am LGBT, I think people get way to worked up about some things.

However...

A couple days ago, a friend who I really respect (and kind of like) made use of the phrase "butt pirate," as a joke. And I dunno, something about it really made me upset/hurt.

I think it was either that every comment about LGBT stuff kind of came to a boil with that one comment, or maybe it was because it was I really respect the guy and hearing it from him kind of shocked me. Either way, do you think that was a bit over sensitive/over PC of me?

Further, I ended up just not saying anything about me being offended to him--with the resolution that if it ever happened again I would check him. At the same time though, I now have kind of a reduced respect and kind of a resentment now. So with that--do you think I should have said something then? Is my reduced respect justified?
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Noumena
Posts: 6,047
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3/30/2013 4:02:11 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
It depends on the motivation. I joke with friends and use phrases like that all the time. It's okay IMO because no one there has any problem with LGBT people. Though come to think of it I also think I'm far too tolerant of gay intolerance irl when it comes up.
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Lordknukle
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3/30/2013 4:26:47 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
DNinja and Noumena posted in the same thread about homosexuality? Can't resist. lol
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Skepsikyma
Posts: 8,288
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3/30/2013 4:31:53 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
No, I do exactly the same thing (And I agree about the 'LGBT community'). When somebody uses a slur like that I usually don't say anything, I just mentally tack a few 'stupid points' onto their name, and my respect for them drops. I don't get offended by things; I guess it's something that I learned during my years as a Buddhist. The ability to control my emotions really comes in handy in situations like that. The way that I think about it is that allowing yourself to become angry or hurt over things that people have means giving them the power to hurt you. We are responsible for our own emotions.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one getting burned."
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Oryus
Posts: 8,280
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3/30/2013 5:11:57 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
That term is a new one on me....

An answer to your questions is difficult. I can't think of any reason why it's oversensitive of you to be offended by a joke that demeans you- especially made by someone who you know, like, and respect. When someone you respect says something that hurts and belittles you, it's disappointing, at the very least.

It does seem like a good rule of thumb to say something if it happens again. On the other hand, if you're resenting them now, that means the comment is already putting a strain on the relationship and it might behoove you to either stay away from them a while to cool off, or mention that you didn't appreciate them belittling gay men.

If you do talk to them, maybe you can frame it in such a way so that they know you're assuming they didn't realize it was a hurtful term- so that they're not put on the defensive and some actually productive conversation can be had. Like, "I know you'd never say anything to hurt me on purpose, and I just want you to know, etc." Something to that effect.
: : :Tulle: The fool, I purposely don't engage with you because you don't have proper command of the English language.
: :
: : The Fool: It's my English writing. Either way It's okay have a larger vocabulary then you, and a better grasp of language, and you're a woman.
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Oryus
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3/30/2013 5:14:55 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 3/30/2013 4:02:11 PM, Noumena wrote:
It depends on the motivation. I joke with friends and use phrases like that all the time. It's okay IMO because no one there has any problem with LGBT people. Though come to think of it I also think I'm far too tolerant of gay intolerance irl when it comes up.

So do you think you should be less tolerant of it? As in you feel bad about it when it happens and you don't say anything or something?
: : :Tulle: The fool, I purposely don't engage with you because you don't have proper command of the English language.
: :
: : The Fool: It's my English writing. Either way It's okay have a larger vocabulary then you, and a better grasp of language, and you're a woman.
:
: I'm just going to leave this precious struggle nugget right here.
imabench
Posts: 21,230
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3/30/2013 5:17:59 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 3/30/2013 3:48:33 PM, DetectableNinja wrote:
To preface--if you know me, you know I am a critic of the idea of "the LGBT community," and on the whole, although I am LGBT, I think people get way to worked up about some things.

However...

A couple days ago, a friend who I really respect (and kind of like) made use of the phrase "butt pirate," as a joke. And I dunno, something about it really made me upset/hurt.

I think it was either that every comment about LGBT stuff kind of came to a boil with that one comment, or maybe it was because it was I really respect the guy and hearing it from him kind of shocked me. Either way, do you think that was a bit over sensitive/over PC of me?

Everybody has that one weird word that they absolutely hate hearing or being forced to use, trust me. For most people its something they hear too much like 'swag' or 'yolo' while others hate hearing typical curse words, but then others hate other words that only very very very rarely come up in a conversation. Im one of those people, and I wont say the word I hate because people will troll the f*ck out of me with it, but you didnt do anything wrong, butt-pirate is just that one phrase or word that annoys you, and everybody has that one phrase or word that they cant stand.

Further, I ended up just not saying anything about me being offended to him--with the resolution that if it ever happened again I would check him.

^ The best thing to do

At the same time though, I now have kind of a reduced respect and kind of a resentment now. So with that--do you think I should have said something then? Is my reduced respect justified?

Unless he explicitly knew that you dont like that word, or uses it all the time, or uses it as a very derogatory term, then there isnt much reason to have less respect for him....
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RyuuKyuzo
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3/30/2013 8:36:32 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Everybody is an azzhole sometimes. Let him know you don't like those comments, and that you think he's better than those kinds of jokes. However he reacts to this is what you should base your decision on in terms of forgiving him or not.

It would be a shame to dash your respect for someone without at least talking to them about it.
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YYW
Posts: 36,426
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3/30/2013 10:36:45 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 3/30/2013 3:48:33 PM, DetectableNinja wrote:
To preface--if you know me, you know I am a critic of the idea of "the LGBT community," and on the whole, although I am LGBT, I think people get way to worked up about some things.

I grant you that there's a lot of "touchy" and "feely" emotional horseshit...

However...

A couple days ago, a friend who I really respect (and kind of like) made use of the phrase "butt pirate," as a joke. And I dunno, something about it really made me upset/hurt.

What was the context?

I think it was either that every comment about LGBT stuff kind of came to a boil with that one comment, or maybe it was because it was I really respect the guy and hearing it from him kind of shocked me. Either way, do you think that was a bit over sensitive/over PC of me?

Without knowing the context, I think people have a right to be offended when they are offended. I think also that making the effort to not offend people is a sign of respect to those around you.

Further, I ended up just not saying anything about me being offended to him--with the resolution that if it ever happened again I would check him. At the same time though, I now have kind of a reduced respect and kind of a resentment now. So with that--do you think I should have said something then? Is my reduced respect justified?

Should you have said something?

Do you think he meant it in a malicious way?

If yes, then yes. If no, then no.
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Maikuru
Posts: 9,112
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3/30/2013 11:11:03 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I've honestly never heard that phrase before. Did he mean it in a derogatory sense? What kind of relationship do you have with him in terms of joking around? My friends and I mock each other mercilessly; it's how east coasters show love.
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F-16_Fighting_Falcon
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3/30/2013 11:33:08 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I've never heard of that word either but if it bothers you, talk to him about it. If I said something that my friends would consider inappropriate, I'd hardly want them walking around with a secret resentment of me. Better get it out in the open and see what happens.
Contra
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3/31/2013 11:58:46 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 3/30/2013 5:17:59 PM, imabench wrote:
At 3/30/2013 3:48:33 PM, DetectableNinja wrote:
To preface--if you know me, you know I am a critic of the idea of "the LGBT community," and on the whole, although I am LGBT, I think people get way to worked up about some things.

However...

A couple days ago, a friend who I really respect (and kind of like) made use of the phrase "butt pirate," as a joke. And I dunno, something about it really made me upset/hurt.

I think it was either that every comment about LGBT stuff kind of came to a boil with that one comment, or maybe it was because it was I really respect the guy and hearing it from him kind of shocked me. Either way, do you think that was a bit over sensitive/over PC of me?

Everybody has that one weird word that they absolutely hate hearing or being forced to use, trust me. For most people its something they hear too much like 'swag' or 'yolo' while others hate hearing typical curse words, but then others hate other words that only very very very rarely come up in a conversation. Im one of those people, and I wont say the word I hate because people will troll the f*ck out of me with it, but you didnt do anything wrong, butt-pirate is just that one phrase or word that annoys you, and everybody has that one phrase or word that they cant stand.

Swag and yolo are pretty awful, they are annoying. People at my school don't laugh but just say "lol", it drives me insane and they know it.

I think DN that what others have posted, like imabench, that is the right advice.

Further, I ended up just not saying anything about me being offended to him--with the resolution that if it ever happened again I would check him.

^ The best thing to do

At the same time though, I now have kind of a reduced respect and kind of a resentment now. So with that--do you think I should have said something then? Is my reduced respect justified?

Unless he explicitly knew that you dont like that word, or uses it all the time, or uses it as a very derogatory term, then there isnt much reason to have less respect for him....
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Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
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3/31/2013 8:20:46 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 3/30/2013 3:48:33 PM, DetectableNinja wrote:
To preface--if you know me, you know I am a critic of the idea of "the LGBT community," and on the whole, although I am LGBT, I think people get way to worked up about some things.

However...

A couple days ago, a friend who I really respect (and kind of like) made use of the phrase "butt pirate," as a joke. And I dunno, something about it really made me upset/hurt.

I think it was either that every comment about LGBT stuff kind of came to a boil with that one comment, or maybe it was because it was I really respect the guy and hearing it from him kind of shocked me. Either way, do you think that was a bit over sensitive/over PC of me?

Further, I ended up just not saying anything about me being offended to him--with the resolution that if it ever happened again I would check him. At the same time though, I now have kind of a reduced respect and kind of a resentment now. So with that--do you think I should have said something then? Is my reduced respect justified?

Without the full context, it is hard to say. But, from what I infer, you are overreacting.

I am straight, but I fit the stereotype of a gay man (effeminate, like broadway musicals, befriend women, etc.). People make fun of me for this (including gay employees), and this does not bother me. However, there are days when I am in no mood for it (or a joke is too far or too graphic), and then, and only then, does it bother me tremendously.

So, when it bothers me, I would have to say I over-react, because it only bothers me for some additional reason, regardless of if its been four years of jokes, a bad day, or stress.

I assume your situation is similar to mine. It offended you for some reason, and you are taking it out on your friend (kind of how a bad day at the office might lead you to yell at your spouse over something trivial). You ought not lose respect for him, especially if he said it jokingly and in a way that is normal. (If he never jokes with you or he meant it as a slur towards someone, that is another story)
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quarterexchange
Posts: 1,549
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4/1/2013 11:33:35 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I'm really not sure. My friends and I are pretty socially progressive and we use offensive terms for people jokingly of different races, nationalities, sexualities, religions, and such on a regular basis and we're a pretty diverse group. For example one of my friends is a Chinese kid with the last name "Jew" so a frequent gag of ours is to yell "Hey Jew!" across the quad as loud as possible and watch the disapproving looks we get.

I suppose it depends on whether your friend actually meant it. If he did, then it'd be something to seriously consider about him. If not, then I would say just take it as a joke. But maybe I'm too insensitive.
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Agent_Orange
Posts: 2,254
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4/2/2013 7:33:47 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
If it offends you, it offends you. I have gay friends and I'm very offensive when I talk, I call them f*ggots and pillow biters etc etc. But only because we're friends. If it offended them, I would stop immediately. Chances are your friends would to if you told him.

P.s why cant you say f*ggot but you can say nigger? This site is racist!
#BlackLivesMatter
Oryus
Posts: 8,280
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4/2/2013 12:28:48 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 4/2/2013 7:33:47 AM, Agent_Orange wrote:
If it offends you, it offends you. I have gay friends and I'm very offensive when I talk, I call them f*ggots and pillow biters etc etc. But only because we're friends. If it offended them, I would stop immediately. Chances are your friends would to if you told him.

P.s why cant you say f*ggot but you can say nigger? This site is racist!

I agree the curse filter is totally inconsistent.

You can say cunt and not p*ssy... wtf?
: : :Tulle: The fool, I purposely don't engage with you because you don't have proper command of the English language.
: :
: : The Fool: It's my English writing. Either way It's okay have a larger vocabulary then you, and a better grasp of language, and you're a woman.
:
: I'm just going to leave this precious struggle nugget right here.
Agent_Orange
Posts: 2,254
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4/2/2013 4:38:24 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 4/2/2013 12:28:48 PM, Oryus wrote:
At 4/2/2013 7:33:47 AM, Agent_Orange wrote:
If it offends you, it offends you. I have gay friends and I'm very offensive when I talk, I call them f*ggots and pillow biters etc etc. But only because we're friends. If it offended them, I would stop immediately. Chances are your friends would to if you told him.

P.s why cant you say f*ggot but you can say nigger? This site is racist!

I agree the curse filter is totally inconsistent.

You can say cunt and not p*ssy... wtf?

Airmaxx obviously believes we should be able to call people "Cunt niggers" or some variation. Btw I would never say the C word out loud. It feels bad. Like characters in Harry Potter saying Voldemort.
#BlackLivesMatter
Oryus
Posts: 8,280
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4/2/2013 4:46:16 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 4/2/2013 4:38:24 PM, Agent_Orange wrote:
At 4/2/2013 12:28:48 PM, Oryus wrote:
At 4/2/2013 7:33:47 AM, Agent_Orange wrote:
If it offends you, it offends you. I have gay friends and I'm very offensive when I talk, I call them f*ggots and pillow biters etc etc. But only because we're friends. If it offended them, I would stop immediately. Chances are your friends would to if you told him.

P.s why cant you say f*ggot but you can say nigger? This site is racist!

I agree the curse filter is totally inconsistent.

You can say cunt and not p*ssy... wtf?

Airmaxx obviously believes we should be able to call people "Cunt niggers" or some variation. Btw I would never say the C word out loud. It feels bad. Like characters in Harry Potter saying Voldemort.

lol like airmax has any say in the curse filter :P

hahah I was going to say some variation on what you said but I didn't want to bring myself to say, "cunt nigger." ah, well. Glad someone did. XD

"Cunt" is one of those words that just doesn't bother me at all. I say it fairly often, actually though I've only used it as an actual insult two or three times in my life maybe. I get way more offended by "nigger" and "f@ggot" than I do "cunt."

Um.. so as not to derail too much, and also because I'm curious, what did you decide to do, DN?
: : :Tulle: The fool, I purposely don't engage with you because you don't have proper command of the English language.
: :
: : The Fool: It's my English writing. Either way It's okay have a larger vocabulary then you, and a better grasp of language, and you're a woman.
:
: I'm just going to leave this precious struggle nugget right here.
Joffley7
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3/9/2015 6:38:18 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
There was a Buddhist monk who literally sat, calm, as he burned himself alive in a protest. If he can not scream nor cry out as he burnt alive. You can learn not to be so sensitive when your friend says something like that. If you're upset about it, talk to him, but don't expect to have the moral high ground. There are two steps to this argument:
1. Are you being over-sensitive.
2. Even if you are justified in your offence, can you infringe on his right to free speech.
I'm sure this is something you and your friend will get over.