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How do you feel about deaths of loved ones?

Sui_Generis
Posts: 493
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4/24/2013 11:26:24 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I ask because I've always felt particular detached from most relationships. I haven't spoken to my parents substantially nor seen them really for months since moving off to college, and I don't feel the slightest bit homesick.

I have never felt what so many young people "in love" profess, which is the "need" for their SO. I'm not saying I don't like my girlfriends when I have them, but I'm pretty sure I could find someone else. (I haven't found someone amazing yet, though.)

The closest person to me that has died was my grandma. Between me and my cousin, we were her favorite grandchildren. My mom was her favorite daughter. She spiled me a lot. However I never felt particularly attached to her. I've never felt particularly attached to any of my family. I mean, I'm sure I would be really sad if my mom or dad died. I'm sure it would hit me hard later on. But something about my sense of rationality and the sense of finality present in death just gives me a mindset of "okay. she's gone. she's christian, so she's in heaven. no crying will change this. life has changed irrevocably. time to continue on." I had zero grieving period.

YET when I told my three year best friend that I wanted to date her and she rejected me when we were so close and I could see us together so clearly, I was morose for months. I think this has to do with the fact that it DOESN'T make as much sense when someone is just "not feeling the same way," and doesn't have the sense of finality when a simple change of mind changes the state of reality.

But why do I feel so utterly unconcerned when a friend about whom I do not feel particularly attached and have not felt a great expression of effort on their part decides to use a spat we're in to cut off our friendship? I know they expect me to reach out and reconcile because they care, but I just don't. =\

I really like lots of people, even love some people. However I just feel like, rationally, there is little one could not accept and move on. Why not either accept it if you know you're going to?
"Mundus vult decipi--the world wants to be deceived. The truth is too complex and frightening; the taste for the truth is an acquired taste that few acquire."
-Martin Buber, I and Thou
Sola.Gratia
Posts: 278
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4/24/2013 11:53:04 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 4/24/2013 11:26:24 PM, Sui_Generis wrote:
I ask because I've always felt particular detached from most relationships. I haven't spoken to my parents substantially nor seen them really for months since moving off to college, and I don't feel the slightest bit homesick.

I have never felt what so many young people "in love" profess, which is the "need" for their SO. I'm not saying I don't like my girlfriends when I have them, but I'm pretty sure I could find someone else. (I haven't found someone amazing yet, though.)

The closest person to me that has died was my grandma. Between me and my cousin, we were her favorite grandchildren. My mom was her favorite daughter. She spiled me a lot. However I never felt particularly attached to her. I've never felt particularly attached to any of my family. I mean, I'm sure I would be really sad if my mom or dad died. I'm sure it would hit me hard later on. But something about my sense of rationality and the sense of finality present in death just gives me a mindset of "okay. she's gone. she's christian, so she's in heaven. no crying will change this. life has changed irrevocably. time to continue on." I had zero grieving period.

YET when I told my three year best friend that I wanted to date her and she rejected me when we were so close and I could see us together so clearly, I was morose for months. I think this has to do with the fact that it DOESN'T make as much sense when someone is just "not feeling the same way," and doesn't have the sense of finality when a simple change of mind changes the state of reality.

But why do I feel so utterly unconcerned when a friend about whom I do not feel particularly attached and have not felt a great expression of effort on their part decides to use a spat we're in to cut off our friendship? I know they expect me to reach out and reconcile because they care, but I just don't. =\

I really like lots of people, even love some people. However I just feel like, rationally, there is little one could not accept and move on. Why not either accept it if you know you're going to?

This is um an interesting topic.. I understand your point of view.. I guess really people handle things differently.. Everyone is definitely not the same.. So if you choose not to feel attached well ten I guess that just means less heart ache for you. Which I don't find anything wrong with, but I do think having a sense of care should be there especially towards your parents since they chose life for you. Idk, I think it's okay to move on if you an but again it goes back to how you handle things.. That just means that you have very good copying skills whereas other people don't have this type of thoughts. Some people take death harder especially if they're not a believer in God.. It's harder because to them it's not fair and feel selfish because they feel like they need that person. But a single person will never satisfy a persons desires fully. Anyways, I personally would probably would hold off on my grief for a Long time until I can't take it anymore .. If they're Christian then it won't be so hard but even still I'll miss them and will wanna spend time with them but they'll be gone. As you said one day we will be gone too. So it makes sense either way but people are different. Your not evil if you don't cry lol you just idk how to say it different I guess.. Maybe you never really had the example of what attachments and feelings really seem like idk? I'm just guessing though..

Good question though..
"What is sin? It is the glory of God not honored. Holiness of God not reverenced. Greatness of God not admired. Power of God not praised. Truth of God not sought. Wisdom of God not esteemed. Beauty of God not treasured. Goodness of God not savored. Faithfulness of God not trusted. Commandments of God not obeyed. Justice of God not respected. Wrath of God not feared. Grace of God not cherished. Presence of God not prized. Person of God not loved. That is sin." ~John Piper
darkkermit
Posts: 11,204
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4/25/2013 1:38:40 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
death is sad when the hero dies in a story tragically and there's background sad music going on or dramatic dialog.

Other then in those circumstances, its not really that sad :/

The words "someone has died" doesn't really register. I mean, I know what it means at all, but it doesn't have an emotional attachment to it. You do realize that you'll nvr see that person again, but then of course there are many ppl I know that I'll nvr see again.

I've always felt uncomfortable whenever some1 died at my school. There were 3 deaths that occurred at my school, and I knew all 3 of them. However, I wasn't really sad about their deaths. And it was uncomfortable because every1 else at my school was sad as well from their deaths so its like you had to be sad as well otherwise you look like an uncompassionate jerk.

Well that is until I saw the open casket at one of their wakes. I wasn't expecting myself to cry from it. To be fair, I put myself in a sad mood and didn't realize I'd be affected by it. The 2nd wake was open casket and I had trouble w/ it but didn't end up crying. Third wake was closed casket though.
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Cermank
Posts: 3,773
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4/25/2013 1:15:25 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I think there's a lot of expectation on how a person is 'supposed' to behave in such situations, and that sometimes delays the grieving process. Denial IS a form of grieving, and for me particularly, it is better than letting it all out.
Sui_Generis
Posts: 493
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4/25/2013 4:24:45 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 4/25/2013 1:38:40 AM, darkkermit wrote:
death is sad when the hero dies in a story tragically and there's background sad music going on or dramatic dialog.

Other then in those circumstances, its not really that sad :/

The words "someone has died" doesn't really register. I mean, I know what it means at all, but it doesn't have an emotional attachment to it. You do realize that you'll nvr see that person again, but then of course there are many ppl I know that I'll nvr see again.

I've always felt uncomfortable whenever some1 died at my school. There were 3 deaths that occurred at my school, and I knew all 3 of them. However, I wasn't really sad about their deaths. And it was uncomfortable because every1 else at my school was sad as well from their deaths so its like you had to be sad as well otherwise you look like an uncompassionate jerk.

Well that is until I saw the open casket at one of their wakes. I wasn't expecting myself to cry from it. To be fair, I put myself in a sad mood and didn't realize I'd be affected by it. The 2nd wake was open casket and I had trouble w/ it but didn't end up crying. Third wake was closed casket though.

That is EXACTLY me. Down to the "didn't bother me until a guy I barely knew open casket"
"Mundus vult decipi--the world wants to be deceived. The truth is too complex and frightening; the taste for the truth is an acquired taste that few acquire."
-Martin Buber, I and Thou
Skepsikyma
Posts: 8,280
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4/25/2013 5:02:12 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
For me, the fact that people are even dead doesn't register until months, or even years, after the fact, and grief usually hits me in short, intermittent bursts that never show on the surface. My family is probably weird in this regard, seeing as the side in which many people have died are atheists going back at least four generations, but funerals are a happy occasion. We gather and tell stories about the deceased, share our favorite times spent with them, and it's a day filled with more laughter and smiles than it is tears. It's almost like a last birthday party for which the guest of honor never shows up, but is more dearly celebrated than any time during their life. Granted these have all been elderly people who have passed, and it would probably be different if someone died 'before their time', but overall I've never really been in deep mourning.
"The Collectivist experiment is thoroughly suited (in appearance at least) to the Capitalist society which it proposes to replace. It works with the existing machinery of Capitalism, talks and thinks in the existing terms of Capitalism, appeals to just those appetites which Capitalism has aroused, and ridicules as fantastic and unheard-of just those things in society the memory of which Capitalism has killed among men wherever the blight of it has spread."
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Wnope
Posts: 6,924
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4/25/2013 5:34:36 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 4/24/2013 11:26:24 PM, Sui_Generis wrote:
I ask because I've always felt particular detached from most relationships. I haven't spoken to my parents substantially nor seen them really for months since moving off to college, and I don't feel the slightest bit homesick.

I have never felt what so many young people "in love" profess, which is the "need" for their SO. I'm not saying I don't like my girlfriends when I have them, but I'm pretty sure I could find someone else. (I haven't found someone amazing yet, though.)

The closest person to me that has died was my grandma. Between me and my cousin, we were her favorite grandchildren. My mom was her favorite daughter. She spiled me a lot. However I never felt particularly attached to her. I've never felt particularly attached to any of my family. I mean, I'm sure I would be really sad if my mom or dad died. I'm sure it would hit me hard later on. But something about my sense of rationality and the sense of finality present in death just gives me a mindset of "okay. she's gone. she's christian, so she's in heaven. no crying will change this. life has changed irrevocably. time to continue on." I had zero grieving period.

YET when I told my three year best friend that I wanted to date her and she rejected me when we were so close and I could see us together so clearly, I was morose for months. I think this has to do with the fact that it DOESN'T make as much sense when someone is just "not feeling the same way," and doesn't have the sense of finality when a simple change of mind changes the state of reality.

But why do I feel so utterly unconcerned when a friend about whom I do not feel particularly attached and have not felt a great expression of effort on their part decides to use a spat we're in to cut off our friendship? I know they expect me to reach out and reconcile because they care, but I just don't. =\

I really like lots of people, even love some people. However I just feel like, rationally, there is little one could not accept and move on. Why not either accept it if you know you're going to?

Well, there is one thing that strikes me this pattern that is present in nearly everyone. That is, there are fairly different cognitive reactions to death and loss and reactions related to having your sense of self challenged (the latter almost always is more immediately hurtful).

Especially for someone with aspergers, there would be a gap between severity of emotional responses that require more empathy versus emotional responses directly related to yourself.

Losing the best friend you wanted to date was not simply a matter of "I feel bad for x" but will almost definitely trigger some underlying automatic thought (almost always one of three: I am unlovable, I am helpless, I am hopeless). If it's based on feeling unloved, being rejected sure won't help. If it's helpless or hopelessness, then learning the future you want is no longer possible can't be helpful either. Basically, you've have to be strange to NOT be more immediately emotional about something like losing a girl you can see yourself spending you life with versus losing someone you have an empathic/sympathetic bond.

While on a much lower level of severity, the experience is a bit like a rape victim experiencing something which triggers an emotional flashback to the act. The trigger itself is harmless compared, but the reaction is much more intense.
Wnope
Posts: 6,924
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4/25/2013 5:36:24 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 4/25/2013 5:34:36 PM, Wnope wrote:
At 4/24/2013 11:26:24 PM, Sui_Generis wrote:
I ask because I've always felt particular detached from most relationships. I haven't spoken to my parents substantially nor seen them really for months since moving off to college, and I don't feel the slightest bit homesick.

I have never felt what so many young people "in love" profess, which is the "need" for their SO. I'm not saying I don't like my girlfriends when I have them, but I'm pretty sure I could find someone else. (I haven't found someone amazing yet, though.)

The closest person to me that has died was my grandma. Between me and my cousin, we were her favorite grandchildren. My mom was her favorite daughter. She spiled me a lot. However I never felt particularly attached to her. I've never felt particularly attached to any of my family. I mean, I'm sure I would be really sad if my mom or dad died. I'm sure it would hit me hard later on. But something about my sense of rationality and the sense of finality present in death just gives me a mindset of "okay. she's gone. she's christian, so she's in heaven. no crying will change this. life has changed irrevocably. time to continue on." I had zero grieving period.

YET when I told my three year best friend that I wanted to date her and she rejected me when we were so close and I could see us together so clearly, I was morose for months. I think this has to do with the fact that it DOESN'T make as much sense when someone is just "not feeling the same way," and doesn't have the sense of finality when a simple change of mind changes the state of reality.

But why do I feel so utterly unconcerned when a friend about whom I do not feel particularly attached and have not felt a great expression of effort on their part decides to use a spat we're in to cut off our friendship? I know they expect me to reach out and reconcile because they care, but I just don't. =\

I really like lots of people, even love some people. However I just feel like, rationally, there is little one could not accept and move on. Why not either accept it if you know you're going to?

Well, there is one thing that strikes me this pattern that is present in nearly everyone. That is, there are fairly different cognitive reactions to death and loss and reactions related to having your sense of self challenged (the latter almost always is more immediately hurtful).

Especially for someone with aspergers, there would be a gap between severity of emotional responses that require more empathy versus emotional responses directly related to yourself.

Losing the best friend you wanted to date was not simply a matter of "I feel bad for x" but will almost definitely trigger some underlying automatic thought (almost always one of three: I am unlovable, I am helpless, I am hopeless). If it's based on feeling unloved, being rejected sure won't help. If it's helpless or hopelessness, then learning the future you want is no longer possible can't be helpful either. Basically, you've have to be strange to NOT be more immediately emotional about something like losing a girl you can see yourself spending you life with versus losing someone you have an empathic/sympathetic bond.

While on a much lower level of severity, the experience is a bit like a rape victim experiencing something which triggers an emotional flashback to the act. The trigger itself is harmless compared, but the reaction is much more intense.

This is NOT a diagnosis of any sort. It's just one statistically significant possibility.
philochristos
Posts: 2,614
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4/25/2013 9:22:47 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I've only had four family members die on me. The first was my cousin when I was 14. I rarely ever saw him, but I remember crying my eyes out over it for a long time.

The second was my dad when I was 20. I remember being kind of sad for the couple of years leading up to it because he had cancer, but when he died, it was more of a relief because his suffering was over. I wasn't that sad about it. But I didn't have a close relationship with my dad, and I hadn't lived with him for several years.

The third was my niece when was 34. That was really devastating. She was only 13 years old. I don't know whether I was devastated more because she died at such a young age or because it was such a tragedy for my brother, sister-in-law, and other niece, and there was nothing to do for them.

The fourth was my mom when I was 37. I was kind of sad about that, but it wasn't devastating. She lived with my sister, and I saw her about once or twice a week.

She is kind of famous, though, in the needlepoint community. She even has her own "about" page. http://needlepoint.about.com...
"Not to know of what things one should demand demonstration, and of what one should not, argues want of education." ~Aristotle

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." ~Aristotle
philochristos
Posts: 2,614
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4/25/2013 9:26:14 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 4/25/2013 9:22:47 PM, philochristos wrote:
I've only had four family members die on me.

Oh, I forgot my grandmother (on my dad's side) who died a few years ago. I hadn't seen her in several years though, and her death had no impact on me. She lived to be 95, she had a happy life for the most part, and she had Alzheimer's, so she was ready to go. Nothing sad about it.

My other grandparents (on my mom's side) have also died, but I hadn't seen them since I was 6 years old anyway, so it had no impact on me.
"Not to know of what things one should demand demonstration, and of what one should not, argues want of education." ~Aristotle

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." ~Aristotle