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Dating Friends

R0b1Billion
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6/3/2013 2:53:19 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
Question: can somebody be such a good friend to you that you should not date them? I am perplexed... I feel like I wouldn't want to date somebody that's a great friend to me, because she is so important as a friend and I don't want to screw that up, but at the same time there is a nagging logical conundrum to the situation because if she is that great a friend, then discounting her for that fact alone seems rather silly... Please help me!
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YYW
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6/3/2013 3:54:38 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 2:53:19 AM, R0b1Billion wrote:
Question: can somebody be such a good friend to you that you should not date them?

I think so. Friendship is something that grows over time, and while it can develop into a relationship once you go down that path you can never go back.
leojm
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6/3/2013 10:15:35 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 2:53:19 AM, R0b1Billion wrote:
Question: can somebody be such a good friend to you that you should not date them? I am perplexed... I feel like I wouldn't want to date somebody that's a great friend to me, because she is so important as a friend and I don't want to screw that up, but at the same time there is a nagging logical conundrum to the situation because if she is that great a friend, then discounting her for that fact alone seems rather silly... Please help me!

I prefer to date friends.
Cody_Franklin
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6/3/2013 10:19:39 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
I think not. This is among those rationalizations whose most immediate purpose is inaction and delay. It is doubtlessly a seductive way of thinking, as humans tend both to be far more loss-averse than pleasure-seeking and to think continuation of the same as the preservation and protection of something which is not only valuable, but which may not, and must not, be altered.
leojm
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6/3/2013 10:25:50 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 10:19:39 AM, Cody_Franklin wrote:
I think not. This is among those rationalizations whose most immediate purpose is inaction and delay. It is doubtlessly a seductive way of thinking, as humans tend both to be far more loss-averse than pleasure-seeking and to think continuation of the same as the preservation and protection of something which is not only valuable, but which may not, and must not, be altered.

Well sir, My boyfriend and I started as friends. Then we got in a relationship. So far it's doing good. You see if you date your friends you already now what they like and dislike. Which is a biggy for me. I don't like guessing someones likes or dislikes, then you find out your partner doesn't like something then there goes your relationship down the drain.
Cody_Franklin
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6/3/2013 10:28:40 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 10:25:50 AM, leojm wrote:
At 6/3/2013 10:19:39 AM, Cody_Franklin wrote:
I think not. This is among those rationalizations whose most immediate purpose is inaction and delay. It is doubtlessly a seductive way of thinking, as humans tend both to be far more loss-averse than pleasure-seeking and to think continuation of the same as the preservation and protection of something which is not only valuable, but which may not, and must not, be altered.

Well sir, My boyfriend and I started as friends. Then we got in a relationship. So far it's doing good. You see if you date your friends you already now what they like and dislike. Which is a biggy for me. I don't like guessing someones likes or dislikes, then you find out your partner doesn't like something then there goes your relationship down the drain.

I am talking to Rob.
leojm
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6/3/2013 10:29:39 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 10:28:40 AM, Cody_Franklin wrote:
At 6/3/2013 10:25:50 AM, leojm wrote:
At 6/3/2013 10:19:39 AM, Cody_Franklin wrote:
I think not. This is among those rationalizations whose most immediate purpose is inaction and delay. It is doubtlessly a seductive way of thinking, as humans tend both to be far more loss-averse than pleasure-seeking and to think continuation of the same as the preservation and protection of something which is not only valuable, but which may not, and must not, be altered.

Well sir, My boyfriend and I started as friends. Then we got in a relationship. So far it's doing good. You see if you date your friends you already now what they like and dislike. Which is a biggy for me. I don't like guessing someones likes or dislikes, then you find out your partner doesn't like something then there goes your relationship down the drain.

I am talking to Rob.

I noticed that. I was just commenting, that's all.
tulle
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6/3/2013 12:20:32 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
ABSOLUTELY. I have a friend I've known since we were 11. We rode the bus together to school right until senior year of high school, we worked together in high school and we went to university together. He told me he had a crush on me in grade 7 and at the time, I wanted to be just friends. I had a crush on him in high school but by then we were in different circles and I didn't think he would ever still be into me. In university, we spent Valentine's Day together because we were still single and we both admitted we were still crushing on each other. But we never pursued it because I think, in the long run, it would never work, and all that would happen is we would lose a really great friend.

Right now I'm in a bit of a pickle because another friend I've had for 8 years confessed his love for me last night. I'm still in complete shock. He was drunk as hell and I don't know whether or not I should bring it up or if we're both going to pretend it never happened. There's no way we can go back to being friends from that and it really, really sucks :(
yang.
tulle
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6/3/2013 12:22:23 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
That's not to say you can't date someone who was first your friend. Maikuru and I started as friends and the "more" part came to me as a shock as well. I'm just saying there are instances where it makes sense to not take the risk, and it just has to do with chemistry.
yang.
leojm
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6/3/2013 12:23:52 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 12:22:23 PM, tulle wrote:
That's not to say you can't date someone who was first your friend. Maikuru and I started as friends and the "more" part came to me as a shock as well. I'm just saying there are instances where it makes sense to not take the risk, and it just has to do with chemistry.

Yes, yes this is exact case with me and Buddamoose. Starting as friends is very good. All the guys I dated we started as friends.
Oryus
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6/3/2013 12:42:07 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 12:22:23 PM, tulle wrote:
That's not to say you can't date someone who was first your friend. Maikuru and I started as friends and the "more" part came to me as a shock as well. I'm just saying there are instances where it makes sense to not take the risk, and it just has to do with chemistry.

It is a gamble for sure. I think a more sure fire way to destroy a friendship is to be roomies for a while... Dating is a bit safer :)
: : :Tulle: The fool, I purposely don't engage with you because you don't have proper command of the English language.
: :
: : The Fool: It's my English writing. Either way It's okay have a larger vocabulary then you, and a better grasp of language, and you're a woman.
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: I'm just going to leave this precious struggle nugget right here.
leojm
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6/3/2013 12:43:31 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 12:42:07 PM, Oryus wrote:
At 6/3/2013 12:22:23 PM, tulle wrote:
That's not to say you can't date someone who was first your friend. Maikuru and I started as friends and the "more" part came to me as a shock as well. I'm just saying there are instances where it makes sense to not take the risk, and it just has to do with chemistry.

It is a gamble for sure. I think a more sure fire way to destroy a friendship is to be roomies for a while... Dating is a bit safer :)

yes. =)
tulle
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6/3/2013 12:47:41 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 12:42:07 PM, Oryus wrote:

It is a gamble for sure. I think a more sure fire way to destroy a friendship is to be roomies for a while... Dating is a bit safer :)

That's true for any friendship... whether or not you're attracted to their gender lol
yang.
leojm
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6/3/2013 12:50:20 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 12:47:41 PM, tulle wrote:
At 6/3/2013 12:42:07 PM, Oryus wrote:

It is a gamble for sure. I think a more sure fire way to destroy a friendship is to be roomies for a while... Dating is a bit safer :)

That's true for any friendship... whether or not you're attracted to their gender lol

ooooh I had a room mate in college who was my friend. It was horrible. I asked to change roommates. I thought I was going to die. :/
R0b1Billion
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6/3/2013 3:14:24 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
"If dating your friend ruins your friendship, it wasn't much of a friendship."

Well what if she's a great friend but we can't make a romantic relationship work? I've been dating since I was 20 and I'm 32 years old... I have zero working relationships with any of my ex's right now. It seems that once someone gets THAT close to me, either they stay very close or are jettisoned out of the solar system :P

"I think so. Friendship is something that grows over time, and while it can develop into a relationship once you go down that path you can never go back."

That's the problem... I'm sick of losing women in my life becuase I wanted to date them and hold them up to the impossible standards of my love.

"I prefer to date friends."

There's definitely truth to this, in fact I've found that anyone I don't date that hasn't been a friend first probably isn't going to work because how can I possibly know them well enough? However, if a friend gets to the level to where they are one of your best friends, you have a lot to lose by trying to get romantic!

"I think not. This is among those rationalizations whose most immediate purpose is inaction and delay. It is doubtlessly a seductive way of thinking, as humans tend both to be far more loss-averse than pleasure-seeking and to think continuation of the same as the preservation and protection of something which is not only valuable, but which may not, and must not, be altered."

Friendship can be valuable enough to protect, if anything can...

"ABSOLUTELY. I have a friend I've known since we were 11. We rode the bus together to school right until senior year of high school, we worked together in high school and we went to university together. He told me he had a crush on me in grade 7 and at the time, I wanted to be just friends. I had a crush on him in high school but by then we were in different circles and I didn't think he would ever still be into me. In university, we spent Valentine's Day together because we were still single and we both admitted we were still crushing on each other. But we never pursued it because I think, in the long run, it would never work, and all that would happen is we would lose a really great friend."


I feel this describes my situation well. I guess the question comes down to "why, exactly, wouldn't it work?" In my case, I'm not sure... She's not someone I'd say I have a crush on, she just seems to have a lot in common with me and we obviously value each other's company highly. She's physically attractive but who knows what happens when two people try and make a sex life? Maybe we wouldn't be completely compatible in some way... one too kinky, one not kinky enough, one doesn't like it as often as the other... For me, sex is really important. I know that may not be the case for others, particularly people on this site who seem to downplay it, but I am a sexaholic and if I'm with somebody and locked into a relationship I BETTER be getting lots of great sex.

"It is a gamble for sure. I think a more sure fire way to destroy a friendship is to be roomies for a while... Dating is a bit safer :)"

Odd you should say that... I have a rather attractive roommate lined up in about a month here, and I figured it was going to present some sort of challenge. Living with her is going to be interesting to say the least, having to face the challenges of living together without being in a sexual relationship. I need the money though and she's the most responsible person I've found so far... She is a friend of a friend and I don't personally know her although she comes highly recommended.

"ooooh I had a room mate in college who was my friend. It was horrible. I asked to change roommates. I thought I was going to die. :/"

Having a roommate is a lot like dating - it's always a challenge, and if it's a good fit it's worth the challenge but if it's not then it's a nightmare.
Beliefs in a nutshell:
- The Ends never justify the Means.
- Objectivity is secondary to subjectivity.
- The War on Drugs is the worst policy in the U.S.
- Most people worship technology as a religion.
- Computers will never become sentient.
leojm
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6/3/2013 6:33:16 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 3:14:24 PM, R0b1Billion wrote:
"If dating your friend ruins your friendship, it wasn't much of a friendship."

Well what if she's a great friend but we can't make a romantic relationship work? I've been dating since I was 20 and I'm 32 years old... I have zero working relationships with any of my ex's right now. It seems that once someone gets THAT close to me, either they stay very close or are jettisoned out of the solar system :P

"I think so. Friendship is something that grows over time, and while it can develop into a relationship once you go down that path you can never go back."

That's the problem... I'm sick of losing women in my life becuase I wanted to date them and hold them up to the impossible standards of my love.

"I prefer to date friends."

There's definitely truth to this, in fact I've found that anyone I don't date that hasn't been a friend first probably isn't going to work because how can I possibly know them well enough? However, if a friend gets to the level to where they are one of your best friends, you have a lot to lose by trying to get romantic!

"I think not. This is among those rationalizations whose most immediate purpose is inaction and delay. It is doubtlessly a seductive way of thinking, as humans tend both to be far more loss-averse than pleasure-seeking and to think continuation of the same as the preservation and protection of something which is not only valuable, but which may not, and must not, be altered."

Friendship can be valuable enough to protect, if anything can...

"ABSOLUTELY. I have a friend I've known since we were 11. We rode the bus together to school right until senior year of high school, we worked together in high school and we went to university together. He told me he had a crush on me in grade 7 and at the time, I wanted to be just friends. I had a crush on him in high school but by then we were in different circles and I didn't think he would ever still be into me. In university, we spent Valentine's Day together because we were still single and we both admitted we were still crushing on each other. But we never pursued it because I think, in the long run, it would never work, and all that would happen is we would lose a really great friend."


I feel this describes my situation well. I guess the question comes down to "why, exactly, wouldn't it work?" In my case, I'm not sure... She's not someone I'd say I have a crush on, she just seems to have a lot in common with me and we obviously value each other's company highly. She's physically attractive but who knows what happens when two people try and make a sex life? Maybe we wouldn't be completely compatible in some way... one too kinky, one not kinky enough, one doesn't like it as often as the other... For me, sex is really important. I know that may not be the case for others, particularly people on this site who seem to downplay it, but I am a sexaholic and if I'm with somebody and locked into a relationship I BETTER be getting lots of great sex.

"It is a gamble for sure. I think a more sure fire way to destroy a friendship is to be roomies for a while... Dating is a bit safer :)"

Odd you should say that... I have a rather attractive roommate lined up in about a month here, and I figured it was going to present some sort of challenge. Living with her is going to be interesting to say the least, having to face the challenges of living together without being in a sexual relationship. I need the money though and she's the most responsible person I've found so far... She is a friend of a friend and I don't personally know her although she comes highly recommended.

"ooooh I had a room mate in college who was my friend. It was horrible. I asked to change roommates. I thought I was going to die. :/"

Having a roommate is a lot like dating - it's always a challenge, and if it's a good fit it's worth the challenge but if it's not then it's a nightmare.

No I dated my roommate. Well we weren't in the same dorm but we were classified as roommates.
Oryus
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6/4/2013 11:09:12 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 12:47:41 PM, tulle wrote:
At 6/3/2013 12:42:07 PM, Oryus wrote:

It is a gamble for sure. I think a more sure fire way to destroy a friendship is to be roomies for a while... Dating is a bit safer :)

That's true for any friendship... whether or not you're attracted to their gender lol

indeed. I'm 4 for 4 now. Hopefully the next one doesn't work out like that. I rather like my friend whose moving in next month....
: : :Tulle: The fool, I purposely don't engage with you because you don't have proper command of the English language.
: :
: : The Fool: It's my English writing. Either way It's okay have a larger vocabulary then you, and a better grasp of language, and you're a woman.
:
: I'm just going to leave this precious struggle nugget right here.
Oryus
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6/4/2013 11:10:52 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 3:14:24 PM, R0b1Billion wrote:
"It is a gamble for sure. I think a more sure fire way to destroy a friendship is to be roomies for a while... Dating is a bit safer :)"

Odd you should say that... I have a rather attractive roommate lined up in about a month here, and I figured it was going to present some sort of challenge. Living with her is going to be interesting to say the least, having to face the challenges of living together without being in a sexual relationship. I need the money though and she's the most responsible person I've found so far... She is a friend of a friend and I don't personally know her although she comes highly recommended.

Oooooh, good luck with that. I've always tried to avoid having a roommate that I'm attracted to just in case things got drunk.. and sexual... and consequently, possibly, weird...
: : :Tulle: The fool, I purposely don't engage with you because you don't have proper command of the English language.
: :
: : The Fool: It's my English writing. Either way It's okay have a larger vocabulary then you, and a better grasp of language, and you're a woman.
:
: I'm just going to leave this precious struggle nugget right here.
R0b1Billion
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6/4/2013 11:47:54 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/4/2013 11:10:52 PM, Oryus wrote:
At 6/3/2013 3:14:24 PM, R0b1Billion wrote:
"It is a gamble for sure. I think a more sure fire way to destroy a friendship is to be roomies for a while... Dating is a bit safer :)"

Odd you should say that... I have a rather attractive roommate lined up in about a month here, and I figured it was going to present some sort of challenge. Living with her is going to be interesting to say the least, having to face the challenges of living together without being in a sexual relationship. I need the money though and she's the most responsible person I've found so far... She is a friend of a friend and I don't personally know her although she comes highly recommended.

Oooooh, good luck with that. I've always tried to avoid having a roommate that I'm attracted to just in case things got drunk.. and sexual... and consequently, possibly, weird...

Stay tuned ;)
Beliefs in a nutshell:
- The Ends never justify the Means.
- Objectivity is secondary to subjectivity.
- The War on Drugs is the worst policy in the U.S.
- Most people worship technology as a religion.
- Computers will never become sentient.
xXCryptoXx
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6/4/2013 11:58:28 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Pardon my lack of experience, but I can only imagine that dating friends >dating random people you find attractive.

I mean, if two friends eventually have a thing for each other I thing that turns into the best kind of relationship because you already know each other and you aren't embarrassed or trying to hide parts of your personality or anything. Your friend already likes you for who you are and the same goes for them to you.
Nolite Timere
leojm
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6/5/2013 7:06:46 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/4/2013 11:10:52 PM, Oryus wrote:
At 6/3/2013 3:14:24 PM, R0b1Billion wrote:
"It is a gamble for sure. I think a more sure fire way to destroy a friendship is to be roomies for a while... Dating is a bit safer :)"

Odd you should say that... I have a rather attractive roommate lined up in about a month here, and I figured it was going to present some sort of challenge. Living with her is going to be interesting to say the least, having to face the challenges of living together without being in a sexual relationship. I need the money though and she's the most responsible person I've found so far... She is a friend of a friend and I don't personally know her although she comes highly recommended.

Oooooh, good luck with that. I've always tried to avoid having a roommate that I'm attracted to just in case things got drunk.. and sexual... and consequently, possibly, weird...


Yes I had a room mate who was a constant drunk. He tried to make a move on me. I just got up and left him.
R0b1Billion
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6/5/2013 7:55:56 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/4/2013 11:58:28 PM, xXCryptoXx wrote:
Pardon my lack of experience, but I can only imagine that dating friends >dating random people you find attractive.

My situation is more intricate than this. I agree that it's best to befriend someone you want to date before jumping into romance, but what if that friendship becomes rather stable in its own right? Once you start romanticism, I believe you have effectively KILLED the friendship - at that point, it's either marriage or "see you next lifetime." I've noticed the same phenomenon in the workplace: if you promote an employee, you can't just demote them if they don't work out in management. If they are really good at their job, you have to consider that promoting them might actually cause you to lose them.
Beliefs in a nutshell:
- The Ends never justify the Means.
- Objectivity is secondary to subjectivity.
- The War on Drugs is the worst policy in the U.S.
- Most people worship technology as a religion.
- Computers will never become sentient.
leojm
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6/5/2013 8:57:02 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/5/2013 7:55:56 AM, R0b1Billion wrote:
At 6/4/2013 11:58:28 PM, xXCryptoXx wrote:
Pardon my lack of experience, but I can only imagine that dating friends >dating random people you find attractive.

My situation is more intricate than this. I agree that it's best to befriend someone you want to date before jumping into romance, but what if that friendship becomes rather stable in its own right? Once you start romanticism, I believe you have effectively KILLED the friendship - at that point, it's either marriage or "see you next lifetime." I've noticed the same phenomenon in the workplace: if you promote an employee, you can't just demote them if they don't work out in management. If they are really good at their job, you have to consider that promoting them might actually cause you to lose them.

Well you have to look at it this way. If your dating someone you got to take them for a best friend and a boyfriend/girlfriend. One can't do without the other. It goes hand in hand.
cybertron1998
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6/5/2013 9:01:42 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/5/2013 7:55:56 AM, R0b1Billion wrote:
At 6/4/2013 11:58:28 PM, xXCryptoXx wrote:
Pardon my lack of experience, but I can only imagine that dating friends >dating random people you find attractive.

My situation is more intricate than this. I agree that it's best to befriend someone you want to date before jumping into romance, but what if that friendship becomes rather stable in its own right? Once you start romanticism, I believe you have effectively KILLED the friendship - at that point, it's either marriage or "see you next lifetime." I've noticed the same phenomenon in the workplace: if you promote an employee, you can't just demote them if they don't work out in management. If they are really good at their job, you have to consider that promoting them might actually cause you to lose them.

i don't think that's completely true. i mean sure if you go back to being friends it won't be the same, but just because it doesn't work out doesn't mean you can still be friends.
Epsilon: There are so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after. But the hero... never gets to see that ending. They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference. They'll never know if the day was really saved. In the end, they just have to have faith.
ClassicRobert
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6/5/2013 11:13:22 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
Personally, I think that there should be other reasons to completely disregard someone as an option. A friendship is a good foundation.
Debate me: Economic decision theory should be adjusted to include higher-order preferences for non-normative purposes http://www.debate.org...

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Wallstreetatheist
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6/11/2013 2:27:47 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 2:53:19 AM, R0b1Billion wrote:
Question: can somebody be such a good friend to you that you should not date them?

Girls mentally assign you to certain boxes when they first meet you: "friend," "lover," "associate," etc. Once in the "friend" box, it is difficult and uncomfortable to shift to the "lover" box, but it's doable. The risk you incur when doing your moves is the severance of the entire relationship. Transitioning from friends to lovers is the only time I advocate going slow, because it is much more difficult to unlearn something (that you're just friends) than to learn something right off the bat (I'm your lover). Ex-lovers are more likely to become good friends; friends are less likely to become lovers. If you value the friendship highly and she isn't giving you indicators that she wants you, just stay friends. There are literally 3,524,000,000 women in the world. Women are abundant; you have plenty of options.
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Danielle
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6/11/2013 2:38:25 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/11/2013 2:27:47 PM, Wallstreetatheist wrote:
Ex-lovers are more likely to become good friends; friends are less likely to become lovers.

Um... I don't think this is accurate lol. At least not in my experience/observation.

I don't see anything wrong with dating your friends. Friends and lovers both come and go.
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gordonjames
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6/11/2013 4:30:40 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 6/3/2013 2:53:19 AM, R0b1Billion wrote:
Question: can somebody be such a good friend to you that you should not date them?

My take is completely opposite.

If you only (seriously) date people you are good friends with, even if the dating relationship ends, you have a great & deep friendship.

It sometimes leads to interesting situations when you blur the lines of friendship and dating. Making out with a former girlfriend and then having to remember you work better as friends has interesting moments.