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I'm messed up in the head... Any advice?

Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
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7/26/2013 3:21:49 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
It has long been known to me that I am a bit crazy and have emotional issues (possibly autistic, possibly borderline insane). I have been working on them on my own, as I can't afford a pyschologist. My self-therapy is actually why I started to play mafia :)

But, I started a new job and this other issue has come up that has long been dormant: I feel odd when I help others, and it makes me want to cry.

I work at a call center and I walk certain types of people through the process. I am nice and polite and informative. But, as I talk to them, I feel funny when I realize I am truly helping them, generally this happens with elderly and minorities. It's hard to discribe.

This is not the only time it has happened, but it generally happens when I am being nice to strangers; not being civil to them, but being kind to them. Like a connection is made or something. But, I think the feeling is like pity, and it makes me ill and sad.

Am I evil? Is this just a fucked up emotional response? Any advice? I am at a loss at what to do.
My work here is, finally, done.
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 3:40:42 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
I have devised a test for testing evilness actually. I call it The Masturbation Test (TMT). Basically, you conjure up these fantasies where you're completely controlling, and the faster you orgasm, the more evil you are. But there's also an inherent are you evil test in there too. I would start off with BDSM, then move on to rape, then paedophilia.
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 3:48:20 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
Dumbledore says it is not your abilities which define you, but the choices you make. That said, however, my cock has a mind of its own.

I try hard to be good though.
Illegalcombatant
Posts: 4,008
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7/26/2013 7:41:29 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
It unclear exactly what the problem is or what you perceive the problem to be.
"Seems like another attempt to insert God into areas our knowledge has yet to penetrate. You figure God would be bigger than the gaps of our ignorance." Drafterman 19/5/12
DetectableNinja
Posts: 6,043
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7/26/2013 11:05:54 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
Like Illegal said, the problem you describe is a bit unclear. Although, I admittedly will feel the same way (if I understand what you're describing correctly) when I deal with other people. I also will sometimes feel that way just being alone.

Then again, I have an anxiety disorder and possibly depression, so...
Think'st thou heaven is such a glorious thing?
I tell thee, 'tis not half so fair as thou
Or any man that breathes on earth.

- Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus
THE_OPINIONATOR
Posts: 575
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7/26/2013 11:52:11 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 7/26/2013 3:21:49 AM, Khaos_Mage wrote:
It has long been known to me that I am a bit crazy and have emotional issues (possibly autistic, possibly borderline insane). I have been working on them on my own, as I can't afford a pyschologist. My self-therapy is actually why I started to play mafia :)

But, I started a new job and this other issue has come up that has long been dormant: I feel odd when I help others, and it makes me want to cry.

I work at a call center and I walk certain types of people through the process. I am nice and polite and informative. But, as I talk to them, I feel funny when I realize I am truly helping them, generally this happens with elderly and minorities. It's hard to discribe.

This is not the only time it has happened, but it generally happens when I am being nice to strangers; not being civil to them, but being kind to them. Like a connection is made or something. But, I think the feeling is like pity, and it makes me ill and sad.

Am I evil? Is this just a fucked up emotional response? Any advice? I am at a loss at what to do.

Well do something that keeps you calm and relaxed, I usually read my bible and another book I am currently reading. Try to take deep breaths as well when you start to get anxious and uptight. the main thing is to keep relaxed and think things through. Everything will work out in the end.
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AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 11:53:20 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
You are not as f*cked up in the head as I am anyway, so you can take some solace in that. I have a father who's pretty much the epitome of control freak, who's been pretty much playing games with me all my life, though I did play back. He signs his names "Games" rather than his given "James." Further, I have a cousin who does the same, a girl. She's just constantly flirting with me, constantly throwing her arse in my face or whatever. She sat me down to watch Black Swan with her one night, now that was f*cking weird. And she's my first cousin, mind you. Then I have another psycho cousin who's jealous of all this, and tried to smash my head in when we were younger just so that I wouldn't have everything. He's left a considerable mark on the right-hand side of my face, too, or along with everyone else, but it's nothing very major. I'm still really good looking. And then there's my mother, who I just love. And she's a greedy bitch, sure, but at least she doesn't play any bullsh*t games. And then there's my next-youngest brother, who's probably gay for me at this stage because I haven't given him any attention throughout his life and he desperately craves it. And then there's my grandmother who the rest of the family make out is showing the first signs of alzheimer's, but who I think is quick as a whip and just another damn control freak. She's like Ayn Rand hardcore mode. There's such an undercurrent to my family that it's quite actually just disgusting, and what's worse, it's all to f*cking do with me. I contemplate suicide daily pretty much. I contemplate that I'm the f*cking messiah. I contemplate that I'm schizo or a megalomaniac. I'm pretty much just being drowned in evil, and I'm not that bad. Should I just f*ck my cousin? Thoughts? Oh, and there's her father, too, of course, who obviously knows what's going on. He's not had so much chance to f*ck with me, though. Oh, and then there's all the psycho women I've ever been with and my best friend who has severe sexual issues surrounding me. Life, eh?

Oh, and then there are you guys, who probably intentionally prompted me to write this given the way things go for me, but I don't care. I gotta be me, right?
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 12:16:11 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
My father will faint at the first sight of his own blood and is afraid of his life of mice having grown up on a farm. That's quite the magnitude of control freak right there. Of course all that might've just been part of a long-running game... I very much dislike the man. He grabbed me by the throat recently and threatened to kill me. I just let him.
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 12:17:52 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Oh, and my next-youngest brother stalks me on here just so as to have some interaction with me. I hope you're reading this dude. Kindly stop acting like a little retard.
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 12:20:16 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
And then how are you supposed to say any of this stuff straight out? I suggested it to my mother about my father, but it just distressed her and she went an scrubbed the bathroom, probably trying to hammer the idea into herself that the things she does around the house are her choice. I wouldn't mind, only usually she doesn't clean a f*cking thing.
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 12:30:10 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I was in the pub recently drinking with my murdering, drug addicted, much-older-than-me friends, and I caught this dude whispering to his wife over in the corner, pointing over at me. "That fella's supposed to be a genius", he said. Am I really?
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 12:36:08 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
What's actually fascinating though, is that I lived the first 16 or so years of my life in pretty much blissful ignorance, and all because I believed in God, I'm pretty sure. And then I considered the material. That religion stuff is pretty f*cking awesome.
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 12:37:53 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Meh, around when I was 16 came complete breakdown anyway. I guess I was rather perturbed by it all for a good while before then.
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 12:42:30 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 7/26/2013 11:05:54 AM, DetectableNinja wrote:
Like Illegal said, the problem you describe is a bit unclear. Although, I admittedly will feel the same way (if I understand what you're describing correctly) when I deal with other people. I also will sometimes feel that way just being alone.

Then again, I have an anxiety disorder and possibly depression, so...

I think what he's describing is a feeling of power over others which unnerves him. He's probably troll though.
F-16_Fighting_Falcon
Posts: 18,324
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7/26/2013 1:30:11 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Khaos, as others have said, I am not sure exactly what the problem is. Perhaps you could rephrase?

On a side note, I took the effort to log in and report the guy spamming this forum and it feels great to do nice things :P
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 1:38:15 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Good job bro. Compassionate of you indeed. Or, rather, you're another pathetic control freak.
bossyburrito
Posts: 14,075
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7/26/2013 1:40:43 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Eleven consecutive posts... Is that a record for you, Badger?

@OP
Can you clarify what is making you feel this way?
#UnbanTheMadman

"Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights..."

~ Rush
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 2:16:12 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
No I doubt it. And I've already clarified for him I'm pretty sure. It's his sense of power over others that unnerves him, and probably because it reminds him that there are others more powerful than him, and so he says "pity." Of course I still think he might just be a troll, but I guess I get a bit self-centered in my depression all right.
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
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7/26/2013 3:51:01 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Like I said, it is hard to describe...

It seems like I feel bad (pity, sadness, guilt, something like this) whenever I go above and beyond to help someone. It appears my natural instinct is to not help people, since it causes me discomfort.

But, with as messed up as I am, perhaps I am feeling feelings of contentness, pride, or joy, and since these are alien to me, thus uncomfortable.

The trigger is nothing more than expending extra effort into helping someone. The call center I work at is the "call before you dig", so I am potentially saving lives and/or millions of dollars in damages. When homeowners call (as opposed to contracters who know the drill), I have to work harder at it, and when they are appreciative to me, it hurts.

I don't think I can describe it better than this. If no one can offer advice, I understand, since it is an odd condition and confusing. Thanks anyways to all.
My work here is, finally, done.
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
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7/26/2013 3:52:16 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Altruism hurts. Let's put it that way. (helping someone for no gain to me, and personal gain for them (not money/job related))
My work here is, finally, done.
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 3:53:57 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
My advice would be give up trying to control things, and just go with it. Have faith in Jesus Christ as your lord and savior. LOL.

You sure you're not troll taking a stab at me chaos? That pity bit? You weren't trying to make me out as like a super control freak?
rross
Posts: 2,772
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7/26/2013 4:12:02 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 7/26/2013 3:52:16 PM, Khaos_Mage wrote:
Altruism hurts. Let's put it that way. (helping someone for no gain to me, and personal gain for them (not money/job related))

I used to feel this way when I was overseas and people were starving on the streets. I would give them money and food, and it used to make me feel sick, the act of giving. In my case, it was a feeling of self-loathing and guilt. And they weren't at all grateful, but there were lots of other people who rushed in to praise me. In the end, I couldn't stand it, and I came back and I've never helped anyone since.

When my neighbour broke her hip, I've occasionally taken her bins out. This helping is negligible, but it makes me feel weird if anybody sees me do it.

Strangely, I feel better about myself when I'm not actually helping people. But that's fvcked up, so I hope you find a better solution than I have done.

For me, it's like, if you're healthy and rich it's through no virtue of your own. If you're in a position to help people then you should and there shouldn't be gratitude or praise in return. But this feeling translates into never wanting to help people because of the discomfort of it. So something's wrong somewhere.
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 4:14:43 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Everyone feels this stuff, I wouldn't worry yourself so much about it. Anyone who doesn't is generally more mental, has a dangerous amount of measures in place to stave it off. And that means you if you think you're trolling me into talking about this stuff, feeling as though you have some control over it in doing so. You don't, and then where will you stop in trying to believe you have? In being the murderer?
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 4:17:15 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I know one dude on this here internet who'd definitely try to pull such a stunt. You know khnm, khaos?
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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7/26/2013 4:20:44 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 7/26/2013 4:12:02 PM, rross wrote:
At 7/26/2013 3:52:16 PM, Khaos_Mage wrote:
Altruism hurts. Let's put it that way. (helping someone for no gain to me, and personal gain for them (not money/job related))

I used to feel this way when I was overseas and people were starving on the streets. I would give them money and food, and it used to make me feel sick, the act of giving. In my case, it was a feeling of self-loathing and guilt. And they weren't at all grateful, but there were lots of other people who rushed in to praise me. In the end, I couldn't stand it, and I came back and I've never helped anyone since.

When my neighbour broke her hip, I've occasionally taken her bins out. This helping is negligible, but it makes me feel weird if anybody sees me do it.

Strangely, I feel better about myself when I'm not actually helping people. But that's fvcked up, so I hope you find a better solution than I have done.

For me, it's like, if you're healthy and rich it's through no virtue of your own. If you're in a position to help people then you should and there shouldn't be gratitude or praise in return. But this feeling translates into never wanting to help people because of the discomfort of it. So something's wrong somewhere.

It is a fear of other people that holds you back. Relinquish it and be with God.