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Relationship, deferred

YYW
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9/14/2013 8:59:02 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
There are so many mistakes I've made in relationships that I've tried to cultivate, but which I've done something to muck up. I'm not comfortable being vulnerable, so I put up emotional walls between myself and whoever I'm dating. I'm not good at talking about emotions, because I keep most of what I really feel bottled up. I have a hard time talking about sex, and I always have, because in the 21 years that I've been alive I've never been really comfortable with my body.

I'm more comfortable with friends than I am with guys I date, because I always wonder what they're thinking when we're talking. I'm always afraid I'll say something unintentionally callous, condescending, shallow or stupid that will turn them off. I'm obsessed with dressing well and being perfectly groomed, and I'm uncomfortable waking up the next morning always knowing that I looked so much better the night before if I brought someone back with me. I've never regretted hooking up with someone, though. I've never looked at someone I brought back or who I went home with and thought how bad they looked in the morning. There's something perfectly sexy about imperfect bedhead. But lust is only a part of it...

Connecting with other people isn't something I have a hard time with. Small talk is never something I've had a problem with. It's lasting romantic relationships that, for me, have always been fleeting. Talking the talk and walking the walk are one thing, but it is so easy to become bored, complacent, or to take the person I'm in a relationship with for granted only because they're around and I feel guilty about that so I overcompensate. I do things like -even seemingly absurd- romantic gestures to make up for feeling like I'm becoming passive in a relationship... surprise dinner dates, movies, gifts. Sometimes little things. Sometimes big things. If you were wondering, I've never cheated. I'd sooner break a relationship off than cheat -and I have done that very thing. That's about honor and trust.

I think I've learned, though. I think I've learned above all else what not to do, how I am and how I want to be. I think Iv'e learned when a relationship is at its end, and when there is nothing left to be had. But I think, in reflection, there are more than a few times I've ended things too soon. I often wonder what would have happened if, I had met, for example, a guy I met in my sophomore year in college, now, what might have became of it. But I guess that's fate.
Tsar of DDO
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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9/14/2013 9:21:59 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I've always just been really shy of relationships, shy of modeling myself after my father I guess. There was an immorality to it for me, but I actually am going to flirt my arse off with that one girl I made reference to in that psychology bit ;D

I had one real relationship and cheated on the girl numerous times promising not to even after she'd said it would be ok if I went away with other girls while with her. I vowed not to, but did. It was me testing the waters or something, I dunno what it was. It was me displaying my doubts about it all, and wondering how they'd be accepted. Poorly, anyway, and then I left school and home and got a job lol. Damn my life is f*cking weird.

All right I'm gonna be a world renowned anthropologist.
YYW
Posts: 36,326
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9/14/2013 9:27:08 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 9:11:16 PM, AnDoctuir wrote:
Alright I'm going to bed. You're a cool dude, YYW.

You're not bad yourself.
Tsar of DDO
Buddamoose
Posts: 19,449
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9/14/2013 9:33:27 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 9:27:08 PM, YYW wrote:
At 9/14/2013 9:11:16 PM, AnDoctuir wrote:
Alright I'm going to bed. You're a cool dude, YYW.

You're not bad yourself.

I agree, his insecurity and inconfidence in himself oftentimes shows here, and of course I mean that sincerely and without disrespect, but one can still tell beyond the trollish exterior, he is still a good dude.

Good luck with the girl badger, hope it works out in ur favor, and if it doesnt, no biggie there are plenty of other people out there
"Reality is an illusion created due to a lack of alcohol"
-Airmax1227

"You were the moon all this time, and he was always there to make you shine."

"Was he the sun?"

"No honey, he was the darkness"

-Kazekirion
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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9/14/2013 9:35:55 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I'm probably the least insecure and most confident dude in the entire world, but thanks man!!
000ike
Posts: 11,196
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9/14/2013 9:37:12 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 8:59:02 PM, YYW wrote:

Connecting with other people isn't something I have a hard time with. Small talk is never something I've had a problem with. It's lasting romantic relationships that, for me, have always been fleeting.

Let me walk you through my thought process.

I'm reading this, and then I get here, and just stare... Why would he juxtapose,... coincidence? I'm probably just being self-centered ... but still, it's like an explicit reference... Couldn't he have left it at "connecting with people isn't a problem for me" ... there's probably some kind of disorder for thinking things are about you when they aren't, I wonder if someone else were me, they'd be thinking the same things.... honestly, I can't see how they wouldn't....How do I convey this little point of inquiry without being antagonistic? I'll just write what I'm thinking.
"A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly with the chain of their own ideas" - Michel Foucault
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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9/14/2013 9:37:26 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
If anything, I haven't been sure of anyone else, and myself through that. But I'm over you guys and your dumb :3
Buddamoose
Posts: 19,449
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9/14/2013 9:38:33 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 9:35:55 PM, AnDoctuir wrote:
I'm probably the least insecure and most confident dude in the entire world, but thanks man!!

If you were there you would have no reason to even respond to it. But regardless, you're welcome and best of luck.
"Reality is an illusion created due to a lack of alcohol"
-Airmax1227

"You were the moon all this time, and he was always there to make you shine."

"Was he the sun?"

"No honey, he was the darkness"

-Kazekirion
AnDoctuir
Posts: 11,060
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9/14/2013 9:39:05 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 9:38:33 PM, Buddamoose wrote:
At 9/14/2013 9:35:55 PM, AnDoctuir wrote:
I'm probably the least insecure and most confident dude in the entire world, but thanks man!!

If you were there you would have no reason to even respond to it. But regardless, you're welcome and best of luck.

Haha sure
YYW
Posts: 36,326
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9/14/2013 9:40:38 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 9:37:12 PM, 000ike wrote:
At 9/14/2013 8:59:02 PM, YYW wrote:

Connecting with other people isn't something I have a hard time with. Small talk is never something I've had a problem with. It's lasting romantic relationships that, for me, have always been fleeting.

Let me walk you through my thought process.

I'm reading this, and then I get here, and just stare... Why would he juxtapose,... coincidence? I'm probably just being self-centered ... but still, it's like an explicit reference... Couldn't he have left it at "connecting with people isn't a problem for me" ... there's probably some kind of disorder for thinking things are about you when they aren't, I wonder if someone else were me, they'd be thinking the same things.... honestly, I can't see how they wouldn't....How do I convey this little point of inquiry without being antagonistic? I'll just write what I'm thinking.

I ran into an ex today, Ike. One whom I wish wasn't an ex.
Tsar of DDO
YYW
Posts: 36,326
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9/14/2013 9:46:09 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 9:40:38 PM, YYW wrote:
At 9/14/2013 9:37:12 PM, 000ike wrote:
At 9/14/2013 8:59:02 PM, YYW wrote:

Connecting with other people isn't something I have a hard time with. Small talk is never something I've had a problem with. It's lasting romantic relationships that, for me, have always been fleeting.

Let me walk you through my thought process.

I'm reading this, and then I get here, and just stare... Why would he juxtapose,... coincidence? I'm probably just being self-centered ... but still, it's like an explicit reference... Couldn't he have left it at "connecting with people isn't a problem for me" ... there's probably some kind of disorder for thinking things are about you when they aren't, I wonder if someone else were me, they'd be thinking the same things.... honestly, I can't see how they wouldn't....How do I convey this little point of inquiry without being antagonistic? I'll just write what I'm thinking.

I ran into an ex today, Ike. One whom I wish wasn't an ex.

If you want to know, we hit it off pretty well and fast. Things were fantastic for about the first three weeks. Then, they weren't for reasons that I see no reason to go into here. Being around him was like swimming in the Cape. Always brisk, always invigorating. We passed one another in line for coffee. There was nothing more than a passing "Hi, how are you?" and "I hope you are well." followed by an insincere "We should get lunch sometime." It hurt. I think it hurt him too. But one can never go back. That was the reason for this post.
Tsar of DDO
000ike
Posts: 11,196
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9/14/2013 9:48:25 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 9:40:38 PM, YYW wrote:
At 9/14/2013 9:37:12 PM, 000ike wrote:
At 9/14/2013 8:59:02 PM, YYW wrote:

Connecting with other people isn't something I have a hard time with. Small talk is never something I've had a problem with. It's lasting romantic relationships that, for me, have always been fleeting.

Let me walk you through my thought process.

I'm reading this, and then I get here, and just stare... Why would he juxtapose,... coincidence? I'm probably just being self-centered ... but still, it's like an explicit reference... Couldn't he have left it at "connecting with people isn't a problem for me" ... there's probably some kind of disorder for thinking things are about you when they aren't, I wonder if someone else were me, they'd be thinking the same things.... honestly, I can't see how they wouldn't....How do I convey this little point of inquiry without being antagonistic? I'll just write what I'm thinking.

I ran into an ex today, Ike. One whom I wish wasn't an ex.

I understand. It's not a big deal, I'm just relaying to you what my thoughts were when I read the bit about small talk, so that by your answer I could decide whether my thoughts were occurring due to pure "me-centeredness" or not.
"A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly with the chain of their own ideas" - Michel Foucault
Maikuru
Posts: 9,112
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9/14/2013 9:56:20 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
I've never really dated so I don't have much advice, aside from the importance of being yourself in your relationships. If you realize and appreciate the positives you bring to the relationship, you'll be less preoccupied with what they are thinking or having to constantly be on your toes for them.

Obviously, an important aspect of being yourself is being comfortable with yourself, which you expressed some difficulty with. I've also had difficulty accepting my appearance, even when presented with compliments. I was a chubby kid and am permanently cursed with chubby kid mentality, it seems lol. The way I look at it, if I can't accept my looks, I can at least accept that the other person likes my looks. It helps; with less attention spent on trying to be some ideal version of yourself, you've got more time to appreciate the relationship and the other person.
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde

https://i.imgflip.com...
Wallstreetatheist
Posts: 7,132
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9/14/2013 10:02:55 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Does anybody else notice that AnDoctuir always goes on long rants after announcing that he's "Going to bed?"
DRUG HARM: http://imgur.com...
Primal Diet. Lifting. Reading. Psychedelics. Cold-Approach Pickup. Music.
YYW
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9/14/2013 10:13:40 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 9:56:20 PM, Maikuru wrote:
I've never really dated so I don't have much advice, aside from the importance of being yourself in your relationships. If you realize and appreciate the positives you bring to the relationship, you'll be less preoccupied with what they are thinking or having to constantly be on your toes for them.

Obviously, an important aspect of being yourself is being comfortable with yourself, which you expressed some difficulty with. I've also had difficulty accepting my appearance, even when presented with compliments. I was a chubby kid and am permanently cursed with chubby kid mentality, it seems lol. The way I look at it, if I can't accept my looks, I can at least accept that the other person likes my looks. It helps; with less attention spent on trying to be some ideal version of yourself, you've got more time to appreciate the relationship and the other person.

I think that's pretty good advice. It's hard accepting things, though. My stomach is flat and my shoulders are defined, but I remember being fat too (middle school and first year of high school for me). No matter what I've done to improve my physical fitness, I've never been comfortable with how I look when I'm not dressed. I can pull together an outfit, but when the clothes come off, that's another story.
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Beverlee
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9/14/2013 10:46:19 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
This is a touching post! Can I ask you some personal questions? If not, it's TOTALLY cool to just ignore me - I promise I'm not trying to be nosy.

1. ARE you fat?
-If so, then you should know that guys wear extra weight a lot better than we do. Things like lifting weights and getting lots of exercise have always looked awesome to me for guys. I bet you could have a buff body in no time at all if you really worked at it. (If you have a lot of body hair, get rid of it!! lol... hairy body builders look scary!)

2. Does your negative body image hurt you now? Does it mess up your relationships, and make you settle for less than you deserve?

3. Is part of your worry about long term relationships that you don't have enough eligible men near you? I know from experience that a small LGBT community can make life very, very lonely after school or work. Maybe you are worried about making a mistake that scares off a lottery ticket, so you are trying too hard or playing it too safe? I say this because it sounds like you are trying to be perfect.
YYW
Posts: 36,326
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9/14/2013 11:01:24 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 10:46:19 PM, Beverlee wrote:
This is a touching post! Can I ask you some personal questions? If not, it's TOTALLY cool to just ignore me - I promise I'm not trying to be nosy.

1. ARE you fat?

Not now.

-If so, then you should know that guys wear extra weight a lot better than we do. Things like lifting weights and getting lots of exercise have always looked awesome to me for guys. I bet you could have a buff body in no time at all if you really worked at it. (If you have a lot of body hair, get rid of it!! lol... hairy body builders look scary!)

I was when I was in middle school. I also wax, but that's beside the point. I have a pretty good physical appearance now -but it's not this:

http://images.wikia.com...

I just don't have the time in the day to work out enough to look like that. I look more like this:

http://cdn.bleacherreport.net...

Except for the hair. My hair is lighter, and more wavy. I'm also not as tall as he is.

2. Does your negative body image hurt you now? Does it mess up your relationships, and make you settle for less than you deserve?

I don't settle.

3. Is part of your worry about long term relationships that you don't have enough eligible men near you? I know from experience that a small LGBT community can make life very, very lonely after school or work. Maybe you are worried about making a mistake that scares off a lottery ticket, so you are trying too hard or playing it too safe? I say this because it sounds like you are trying to be perfect.

The problem is that I measure myself by what I consider perfection to be; and that has -in more aspects of my life than just this- been a problem.
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Andromeda_Z
Posts: 4,151
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9/14/2013 11:47:30 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Don't worry about being perfect in a relationship. Sounds cliche, but be yourself. To someone out there, that *is* perfect. Even if you think you say callous or shallow things sometimes, or don't feel comfortable with your body. Chances are, the person you went home with likes your bedhead too. Bedhead is just amazing on everyone, fact of the universe right there. Personal anecdote: I tried online dating for a while. I never lied on my profile, but I made myself seem a little different because I thought I'd scare people away and fvck things up before they even began otherwise. Then I met someone who really loved those weird bits that I tried so hard to downplay on the profile. I thought I was just not going to find anyone that'd be interested in dating me for more than a couple weeks, if that. He thought someone like me was too much to ask for, so he never really dated anyone either. We've been together since March and likely will be together for quite a while. Sooner or later, you'll end up in a relationship that really works for you, and after that, all the other ones just seem trivial.
Beverlee
Posts: 721
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9/15/2013 1:38:47 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
You sound awesome! I would be intimidated to talk to you, though if I thought you were focused on perfection. Perfection isn't good, or attractive. "perfectly imperfect" is a better goal. It tells potential dates that you won't judge them, or ask more of them than they can deliver to you.

I will tell you what is ALWAYS attractive, so that you see where I am coming from. First, remember that most people are "normal" as far as looks and personality go. That means that most people are going to be attracted to "normal" people - see?? (How great is that??)

Three things that I find attractive... (I'm NOT GIVING YOU ADVICE! I think you could be lecturing me, instead of the other way around, lol.. I'm just talking to you over cyber drinks:)

1. Display secondary sexual characteristics, personality development maturity - almost everyone is gender-specific when they are looking for someone special. There is a very small percentage of people for whom this does not apply, but for most people, they are only interested in a specific gender and developmental stage. Grown men trapped in a boys world-view, grown women that act like cheerleaders, etc... not attractive. -YOU MASTERED THIS, next thing

2. Healthy! You can't look toxic! You got to look like you are easy on the senses, like you will taste good, smell good, feel good enough to go on a roller coaster or eat ice cream in the park. And not make someone sick or drag them down. The variance is when a healthy person is injured BECAUSE they are healthy. I think it looks good when a country boy has a black eye from a rodeo or MMA fight, and I think it looks awesome when a pretty girl is wearing a cast and a soccer uniform. Those things don't count as unhealthy. CHECK. THATS YOU, you are healthy-looking, so,,,,

3. HAPPY: Think it looks good to roll up in a jag talking loud on a cellphone? Nope. I can promise you that more people will be more honestly attracted to a surfer girl living in a van with almost no real clothes, and with her hair all sun-bleached... because she looks happy with her life... not arrogant or aggressive. It matters if you look like someone who is fun to be around, and will make someone who feels bad feel better. There is no exception to this rule for me! A happy person, no matter how flawed, WILL be someone other people want in their life - period.

I can't do the 'advice' thing for you without looking like a dum@ss, lol.. because you know more about you than I do. But, I CAN tell you to try for "normal" instead of perfect, stay healthy, HAPPY and on display like you are doing... and that I KNOW people like you, because you are cool
Wallstreetatheist
Posts: 7,132
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9/15/2013 4:45:33 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/14/2013 11:47:30 PM, Andromeda_Z wrote:
Don't worry about being perfect in a relationship. Sounds cliche, but be yourself. To someone out there, that *is* perfect. Even if you think you say callous or shallow things sometimes, or don't feel comfortable with your body. Chances are, the person you went home with likes your bedhead too. Bedhead is just amazing on everyone, fact of the universe right there. Personal anecdote: I tried online dating for a while. I never lied on my profile, but I made myself seem a little different because I thought I'd scare people away and fvck things up before they even began otherwise. Then I met someone who really loved those weird bits that I tried so hard to downplay on the profile. I thought I was just not going to find anyone that'd be interested in dating me for more than a couple weeks, if that. He thought someone like me was too much to ask for, so he never really dated anyone either. We've been together since March and likely will be together for quite a while. Sooner or later, you'll end up in a relationship that really works for you, and after that, all the other ones just seem trivial.

This. Be yourself to the fvcking hilt. Be polarizing. Some people will despise you, others will be drawn in to your extremely congruent manifestation of your personality. Go get some, YYW!
DRUG HARM: http://imgur.com...
Primal Diet. Lifting. Reading. Psychedelics. Cold-Approach Pickup. Music.
YYW
Posts: 36,326
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9/15/2013 6:53:13 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 9/15/2013 4:45:33 PM, Wallstreetatheist wrote:
At 9/14/2013 11:47:30 PM, Andromeda_Z wrote:
Don't worry about being perfect in a relationship. Sounds cliche, but be yourself. To someone out there, that *is* perfect. Even if you think you say callous or shallow things sometimes, or don't feel comfortable with your body. Chances are, the person you went home with likes your bedhead too. Bedhead is just amazing on everyone, fact of the universe right there. Personal anecdote: I tried online dating for a while. I never lied on my profile, but I made myself seem a little different because I thought I'd scare people away and fvck things up before they even began otherwise. Then I met someone who really loved those weird bits that I tried so hard to downplay on the profile. I thought I was just not going to find anyone that'd be interested in dating me for more than a couple weeks, if that. He thought someone like me was too much to ask for, so he never really dated anyone either. We've been together since March and likely will be together for quite a while. Sooner or later, you'll end up in a relationship that really works for you, and after that, all the other ones just seem trivial.

This. Be yourself to the fvcking hilt. Be polarizing. Some people will despise you, others will be drawn in to your extremely congruent manifestation of your personality. Go get some, YYW!

haha, thanks, guys!
Tsar of DDO