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How important is your BF/GF's opinion?

tulle
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11/15/2013 11:46:37 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Title shortened for brevity---but how important is your significant other's opinion when it comes to your appearance?

I used to have a tragus piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

As well as a septum piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

I want both piercings again, but Maikuru is strictly against it. While I had the septum piercing, I would flip it upside down at work and people barely noticed it; I feel like I should be able to get it and just hide it when we're together :p

If you strongly disagreed with your significant other about an aspect of either your appearance or theirs, how would you resolve it?
yang.
Mikal
Posts: 11,270
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11/15/2013 11:47:23 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/15/2013 11:46:37 PM, tulle wrote:
Title shortened for brevity---but how important is your significant other's opinion when it comes to your appearance?

I used to have a tragus piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

As well as a septum piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

I want both piercings again, but Maikuru is strictly against it. While I had the septum piercing, I would flip it upside down at work and people barely noticed it; I feel like I should be able to get it and just hide it when we're together :p

If you strongly disagreed with your significant other about an aspect of either your appearance or theirs, how would you resolve it?

Get a tongue ring , he will never complain
YYW
Posts: 36,322
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11/16/2013 12:01:08 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/15/2013 11:46:37 PM, tulle wrote:
Title shortened for brevity---but how important is your significant other's opinion when it comes to your appearance?

I used to have a tragus piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

As well as a septum piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

I want both piercings again, but Maikuru is strictly against it. While I had the septum piercing, I would flip it upside down at work and people barely noticed it; I feel like I should be able to get it and just hide it when we're together :p

If you strongly disagreed with your significant other about an aspect of either your appearance or theirs, how would you resolve it?

I have no piercings, but I can say this:

If I was in a real relationship with the guy I wanted to have in my life, and I wanted to do something to my body (like gain weight because I'm tired of exercise and dieting, and I want to eat McRibs), no matter how much I selfishly want to live like a lazy pig I wouldn't do it.

I would never, because I wouldn't want him to not find me desirable. I know we like to think that appearances don't matter, but they do.

That said, if I was in a relationship and he wanted to bleach his hair and get a fake tan or gorge on friend chicken, I'd probably not be ok with it, because it's just not who he is.

And while it might not be fair for one partner to impose their will on the other, it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here. The question, though, is what matter's more...

I'd choose the guy almost every time, if he's a guy worth choosing.

But that said, if I was in a relationship with a guy, the very fact that I was in a relationship with him would be enough for me to care very much what he thought of me. That's kind of what being in a relationship means... it's not about the "I" or "you" anymore. It' about "we" and "us."

But I've said too much...
Tsar of DDO
Mikal
Posts: 11,270
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11/16/2013 12:02:41 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/16/2013 12:01:08 AM, YYW wrote:
At 11/15/2013 11:46:37 PM, tulle wrote:
Title shortened for brevity---but how important is your significant other's opinion when it comes to your appearance?

I used to have a tragus piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

As well as a septum piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

I want both piercings again, but Maikuru is strictly against it. While I had the septum piercing, I would flip it upside down at work and people barely noticed it; I feel like I should be able to get it and just hide it when we're together :p

If you strongly disagreed with your significant other about an aspect of either your appearance or theirs, how would you resolve it?

I have no piercings, but I can say this:

If I was in a real relationship with the guy I wanted to have in my life, and I wanted to do something to my body (like gain weight because I'm tired of exercise and dieting, and I want to eat McRibs), no matter how much I selfishly want to live like a lazy pig I wouldn't do it.

I would never, because I wouldn't want him to not find me desirable. I know we like to think that appearances don't matter, but they do.

That said, if I was in a relationship and he wanted to bleach his hair and get a fake tan or gorge on friend chicken, I'd probably not be ok with it, because it's just not who he is.

And while it might not be fair for one partner to impose their will on the other, it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here. The question, though, is what matter's more...

I'd choose the guy almost every time, if he's a guy worth choosing.

But that said, if I was in a relationship with a guy, the very fact that I was in a relationship with him would be enough for me to care very much what he thought of me. That's kind of what being in a relationship means... it's not about the "I" or "you" anymore. It' about "we" and "us."

But I've said too much...

All trolling aside, that is the ideal mindset
Eitan_Zohar
Posts: 2,697
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11/16/2013 12:17:58 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/15/2013 11:46:37 PM, tulle wrote:
Title shortened for brevity---but how important is your significant other's opinion when it comes to your appearance?

I used to have a tragus piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

As well as a septum piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

I want both piercings again, but Maikuru is strictly against it. While I had the septum piercing, I would flip it upside down at work and people barely noticed it; I feel like I should be able to get it and just hide it when we're together :p

If you strongly disagreed with your significant other about an aspect of either your appearance or theirs, how would you resolve it?

Shave myself and dye my eyebrows pink.
"It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book."
tulle
Posts: 4,445
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11/16/2013 12:19:16 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/16/2013 12:01:08 AM, YYW wrote:

I have no piercings, but I can say this:

If I was in a real relationship with the guy I wanted to have in my life, and I wanted to do something to my body (like gain weight because I'm tired of exercise and dieting, and I want to eat McRibs), no matter how much I selfishly want to live like a lazy pig I wouldn't do it.

I would never, because I wouldn't want him to not find me desirable. I know we like to think that appearances don't matter, but they do.

That said, if I was in a relationship and he wanted to bleach his hair and get a fake tan or gorge on friend chicken, I'd probably not be ok with it, because it's just not who he is.

And while it might not be fair for one partner to impose their will on the other, it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here. The question, though, is what matter's more...

I'd choose the guy almost every time, if he's a guy worth choosing.

But that said, if I was in a relationship with a guy, the very fact that I was in a relationship with him would be enough for me to care very much what he thought of me. That's kind of what being in a relationship means... it's not about the "I" or "you" anymore. It' about "we" and "us."

But I've said too much...

No, not at all (you haven't said too much). But my question to you would be: to what extent would you allow your boyfriend to limit your self-expression? To me, that's what a piercing is. It's part of my tastes, like music, or art, or anything else that I do creatively. Like if he didn't like tattoos... well, I already have tattoos and I'd have to say goodbye. Fortunately, piercings aren't permanent, but I think the sentiment is the same. Not liking them is not liking an aspect of me, in a way.

You bring up a valid point about gaining weight or drastically changing your appearance in other ways. And I wore a lipstick once to which Maikuru responded "You look like a clown" and I haven't worn it since, despite actually liking it a lot. But I feel that something like a piercing is more tied to your identity.
yang.
Mikal
Posts: 11,270
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11/16/2013 12:28:55 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/16/2013 12:19:16 AM, tulle wrote:
At 11/16/2013 12:01:08 AM, YYW wrote:

I have no piercings, but I can say this:

If I was in a real relationship with the guy I wanted to have in my life, and I wanted to do something to my body (like gain weight because I'm tired of exercise and dieting, and I want to eat McRibs), no matter how much I selfishly want to live like a lazy pig I wouldn't do it.

I would never, because I wouldn't want him to not find me desirable. I know we like to think that appearances don't matter, but they do.

That said, if I was in a relationship and he wanted to bleach his hair and get a fake tan or gorge on friend chicken, I'd probably not be ok with it, because it's just not who he is.

And while it might not be fair for one partner to impose their will on the other, it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here. The question, though, is what matter's more...

I'd choose the guy almost every time, if he's a guy worth choosing.

But that said, if I was in a relationship with a guy, the very fact that I was in a relationship with him would be enough for me to care very much what he thought of me. That's kind of what being in a relationship means... it's not about the "I" or "you" anymore. It' about "we" and "us."

But I've said too much...

No, not at all (you haven't said too much). But my question to you would be: to what extent would you allow your boyfriend to limit your self-expression? To me, that's what a piercing is. It's part of my tastes, like music, or art, or anything else that I do creatively. Like if he didn't like tattoos... well, I already have tattoos and I'd have to say goodbye. Fortunately, piercings aren't permanent, but I think the sentiment is the same. Not liking them is not liking an aspect of me, in a way.

You bring up a valid point about gaining weight or drastically changing your appearance in other ways. And I wore a lipstick once to which Maikuru responded "You look like a clown" and I haven't worn it since, despite actually liking it a lot. But I feel that something like a piercing is more tied to your identity.

For a serious response. It depends on the couple. If my girlfriend wanted tattoos, piercings, or any top of body art it would not matter to me. You said this in your response, this is a form of expression. It is no different than taste in music, movies, etc.

If I wanted to wear a certain type of clothes or something, and someone had an issue with it to the point it was affecting the relationship, it is probably one that could be detrimental at some point.

if a relationship is healthy, what they wear or even in spite of what yyw said (what they look like should not be a factor). Think if you were dating someone for years, and they got cancer would you still care for them even if they are bald. As you grow older it is harder to care for your body regardless, so at some point sex appeal can only stretch so far. There are farm many more other factors in a relationship that are just as important.

So if someone is saying "you should not wear this". That could be just their opinion, but if it is actually affecting your relationship then that is a big issue to tackle. That is not also saying don't try to sexually please your partner either. Going out and just stuffing your face with cheeseburgers and gaining weight on purpose because you are with someone is entirely different than expression. That is giving up in the relationship. That is entirely different.
YYW
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11/16/2013 12:29:18 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/16/2013 12:19:16 AM, tulle wrote:
At 11/16/2013 12:01:08 AM, YYW wrote:

I have no piercings, but I can say this:

If I was in a real relationship with the guy I wanted to have in my life, and I wanted to do something to my body (like gain weight because I'm tired of exercise and dieting, and I want to eat McRibs), no matter how much I selfishly want to live like a lazy pig I wouldn't do it.

I would never, because I wouldn't want him to not find me desirable. I know we like to think that appearances don't matter, but they do.

That said, if I was in a relationship and he wanted to bleach his hair and get a fake tan or gorge on friend chicken, I'd probably not be ok with it, because it's just not who he is.

And while it might not be fair for one partner to impose their will on the other, it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here. The question, though, is what matter's more...

I'd choose the guy almost every time, if he's a guy worth choosing.

But that said, if I was in a relationship with a guy, the very fact that I was in a relationship with him would be enough for me to care very much what he thought of me. That's kind of what being in a relationship means... it's not about the "I" or "you" anymore. It' about "we" and "us."

But I've said too much...

No, not at all (you haven't said too much). But my question to you would be: to what extent would you allow your boyfriend to limit your self-expression? To me, that's what a piercing is. It's part of my tastes, like music, or art, or anything else that I do creatively. Like if he didn't like tattoos... well, I already have tattoos and I'd have to say goodbye. Fortunately, piercings aren't permanent, but I think the sentiment is the same. Not liking them is not liking an aspect of me, in a way.

I don't know.... like at all, and even if I did, I'm not sure what my answer would be would be right for you so I'm really reluctant to say anymore. I can't imagine I would ever date someone who would actually try to dictate what kind of music I listened to or art I hung. I'm not all that creative, but I definitely have a style that I like... that I'm comfortable with.

You bring up a valid point about gaining weight or drastically changing your appearance in other ways. And I wore a lipstick once to which Maikuru responded "You look like a clown" and I haven't worn it since, despite actually liking it a lot. But I feel that something like a piercing is more tied to your identity.

I don't think I can empathize with that, but I can relate. I have no piercings, tattoos, etc. and I have never worn makeup of any kind. I can say that if the guy I wanted to be in a relationship wanted to get gauges in his ears, I'd have a real problem with that, because I wouldn't think that gauges represent who he is. Although, I could also never see him wanting gauges... like ever.

One time when we went to a thing (I won't say what or where) he wore this ridiculous article of clothing which I had to refrain from commenting about. It's one of his favorite articles of this particular kind of clothing.... my issue is as much wit this kind of clothing as it is with this specific article... But I didn't say a word. I put my arm around him, and we went where we were going. The only real disappointment was that I didn't get to see him take it off that night.
Tsar of DDO
Maikuru
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11/16/2013 12:29:59 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
This is an interesting topic. Kudos to the OP.

I digress. If my significant other didn't like the cologne I wore, I'd stop using it. If they didn't like a particular haircut I enjoyed, I'd find another style. In a relationship, when it comes to appearance and attractiveness, your partner's opinions are key.
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde

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YYW
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11/16/2013 12:31:24 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/16/2013 12:29:59 AM, Maikuru wrote:
This is an interesting topic. Kudos to the OP.

I digress. If my significant other didn't like the cologne I wore, I'd stop using it.

I've actually changed colognes for that reason.

If they didn't like a particular haircut I enjoyed, I'd find another style. In a relationship, when it comes to appearance and attractiveness, your partner's opinions are key.
Tsar of DDO
Maikuru
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11/16/2013 12:38:02 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/16/2013 12:19:16 AM, tulle wrote:
You bring up a valid point about gaining weight or drastically changing your appearance in other ways. And I wore a lipstick once to which Maikuru responded "You look like a clown" and I haven't worn it since, despite actually liking it a lot. But I feel that something like a piercing is more tied to your identity.

lol to provide a little context, we were at a make-up store and she was trying on a bunch of different shades. I was just pointing out one I didn't like. I'm not in the habit of insulting girlfriends, at least not ones I expect to keep lol.
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde

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tulle
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11/16/2013 1:17:15 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/16/2013 12:38:02 AM, Maikuru wrote:

lol to provide a little context, we were at a make-up store and she was trying on a bunch of different shades. I was just pointing out one I didn't like. I'm not in the habit of insulting girlfriends, at least not ones I expect to keep lol.

Haha it happened twice actually x___x The first time it was an actual lipstick I wore regularly. To be fair, I had eaten an orange popsicle before I put it on and I guess it looked a little different.

At 11/16/2013 12:28:55 AM, Mikal wrote:

...at some point sex appeal can only stretch so far.

I agree. Though I'm also inclined to agree with YYW in that I want my partner to be attracted to me as much as he can be right now.

At 11/16/2013 12:29:18 AM, YYW wrote:

I don't think I can empathize with that, but I can relate. I have no piercings, tattoos, etc. and I have never worn makeup of any kind. I can say that if the guy I wanted to be in a relationship wanted to get gauges in his ears, I'd have a real problem with that, because I wouldn't think that gauges represent who he is. Although, I could also never see him wanting gauges... like ever.


Right, I see what you're saying. I can imagine most of my exes saying that they wouldn't be able to see me wanting a certain look or being a certain way, but I also never felt like I was myself with them (or that I could be). Having to hide the real me because I cared so much about their opinions was part of the reason I couldn't find the right guy. And if he did want something so far out of your tastes, then maybe it's indicative of him not being the right guy.

One time when we went to a thing (I won't say what or where) he wore this ridiculous article of clothing which I had to refrain from commenting about. It's one of his favorite articles of this particular kind of clothing.... my issue is as much wit this kind of clothing as it is with this specific article... But I didn't say a word. I put my arm around him, and we went where we were going. The only real disappointment was that I didn't get to see him take it off that night.

Aww haha

At the end of the day I recognize that Maikuru is way out of my league, and blows every guy I've ever dated far out of the water. If it weren't for him, I'd be completely bald with a tragus and septum piercing already lol but I guess I care about his opinion...
yang.
Mikal
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11/16/2013 1:27:09 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
This could go far beyond just this situation. That is what I was meaning to say. Everyone cares about their partners opinions, and what they think about you is a huge factor in a relationship. I am just saying that is usually just the spark to get the relationship going.

Sexual attraction is something that is extremely important at the early stages of a relationship. If you don't want to look, see, touch, fuk, someone it can hurt a relationship. As time progresses though, that feeling often subsides to more deeper emotions like personality, character, job, money that play just as much of a role as sex and sex appeal.

I mean no one wants to do stuff with someone they are not attracted too, which is a factor in the relationship that will always haunt people in some ways. It can lead to cheating or divorce or all kinds of other stuff.

At some point though, you have to look past physical attraction and realize you are with the person because you love them. If you would not be with them after a car wreck, cancer, or anything else that could possibly alter their appearance then that is someone you probably don't want to be with at all. Attraction can be petty at some points.

The issue you are presenting is that you like this and he doesn't like this. The short answer is compromise.

Something similar would be like walking up to him and saying, I don't like your haircut, go get a mohawk. He could hate the fact it is a mohawk, but if it is sexually appealing to you would he actually do it?

I have no idea if that makes sense, but it could apply to a variety of things and goes both ways.
Beverlee
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11/16/2013 6:32:35 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Personally, I am very subordinate sometimes, and always just want to please whoever will show an interest in me - it's pathetic, I know... But that's how it goes for me. That said, I don't ever seem to change my look much. I don't like short hair on me - I have big ears and my nose is pokey... So I like my hair. I like my hair anyway, lol... I also like thick eyeliner. Screw it, I like the Egyptian gypsy thing. I also get told that I'm underweight in a way that isn't really a compliment, like: "I like a girl with a little meat on her bones."

If it was a deal breaker, I would INSTANTLY want to chop off my hair and just go butch. But then, I would be acting, and I would be fake, and I would know that my other wasn't really into me after all - because shizz like that was a deal breaker in the first place. If they won't like me as I am, they will like me even less as a fake, you know? It's got to be a balance between honestly presenting myself, like "here I am... Like this... I like you and I hope you like me..." And pleasing and being that person that my other needs in her life. I suck at finding that balance, but I know I need to get better.

That is an AWESOME profile picture!!!
tulle
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11/16/2013 10:27:05 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/16/2013 6:32:35 PM, Beverlee wrote:
Personally, I am very subordinate sometimes, and always just want to please whoever will show an interest in me - it's pathetic, I know... But that's how it goes for me. That said, I don't ever seem to change my look much. I don't like short hair on me - I have big ears and my nose is pokey... So I like my hair. I like my hair anyway, lol... I also like thick eyeliner. Screw it, I like the Egyptian gypsy thing. I also get told that I'm underweight in a way that isn't really a compliment, like: "I like a girl with a little meat on her bones."


You're gorgeous though :)

If it was a deal breaker, I would INSTANTLY want to chop off my hair and just go butch. But then, I would be acting, and I would be fake, and I would know that my other wasn't really into me after all - because shizz like that was a deal breaker in the first place. If they won't like me as I am, they will like me even less as a fake, you know? It's got to be a balance between honestly presenting myself, like "here I am... Like this... I like you and I hope you like me..." And pleasing and being that person that my other needs in her life. I suck at finding that balance, but I know I need to get better.


Yeah :/

That is an AWESOME profile picture!!!

Thanks!
yang.
RyuuKyuzo
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11/18/2013 12:09:20 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
An ex of mine used to complain that I was getting too muscley and that I'd look like a "meatball" if I didn't stop. In response, I gained 30lbs.
If you're reading this, you're awesome and you should feel awesome.
Mikal
Posts: 11,270
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11/18/2013 12:11:48 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/18/2013 12:09:20 AM, RyuuKyuzo wrote:
An ex of mine used to complain that I was getting too muscley and that I'd look like a "meatball" if I didn't stop. In response, I gained 30lbs.

this
Cermank
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11/18/2013 12:42:45 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
Its an interesting delemma. Tbh, it depends on the dynamic of your relationship. I have a habit of making a big deal out of it initially, but then bowing if it isn't that huge a favour. It depends on how he asked you, and why exactly he doesn't like piercings.

Personally, if it has to do with controlling me, I would get them. But if it had to do with some legit reasoning- like how its not seen in a favourable light in his family, or his fear of infections or stuff, I probably won't mind that much. I had a sort of boyfriend a while back who said he didn't like me dressing in a certain type of dress because it looks shabby. I completely lost interest after that. The same person had told me to get rid of my faux hair highlights because 'it was interfering with my job opportunities' and it made sense, so I did.

I don't think people over the net, with little idea of the dynamic of your relationship, your personality and HIS personality can offer really good advice. Go with your instinct.
InvictusManeo
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11/18/2013 4:18:42 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
I tend to not give a f*** about how whomever I am dating thinks of my appearance beyond the usual thinking I am hot and sexy and bangable. However I have yet to date a person who disapproved of something about me physically and openly expressed to me a desire to change it. I'm sure if it happened I would tell them to f*** off, which is an appropriate response in my view.

Where I think the line can be drawn is if any alterations to your physical appearance pose some kind of personal or social health threat I.e. the decision (or conversely allowance) to gain too much weight, which is not only unattractive but unhealthy. I could probably extend this to extreme forms of body modification, too.

For someone to express a preference is one thing. It's quite another to make that preference a prerequisite to having a loving relationship with a person.

I say if you enjoy having piercings then you should have your piercings. I find piercings and tattoos to be very hot. So maybe you should just date me instead.
InvictusManeo
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11/18/2013 4:28:19 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/18/2013 12:09:20 AM, RyuuKyuzo wrote:
An ex of mine used to complain that I was getting too muscley and that I'd look like a "meatball" if I didn't stop. In response, I gained 30lbs.

I would agree with your ex that men who like to be bulky and muscular appear unattractive. I dislike the bloated appearance of big muscles and prefer lean mass. In my opinion men who obsess over developing themselves into a specific muscular prototype (in this case large muscle mass) are often doing so in a subconscious effort to gain approval from their male peers (and to also establish dominance over others perceived as weaker for being smaller) and also to attract a kind of woman that seeks out Alpha male types. Usually at the core of these men is a very self-conscious, deeply insecure little boy who measures his worth by the physical power he exudes. Something to think about.
lewis20
Posts: 5,093
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11/18/2013 10:31:15 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
When I had a girlfriend it mattered, I figured they knew better what girls liked in a guy than I did.
Plus their advice was always pretty doable, keep a beard, don't slouch etc...
"If you are a racist I will attack you with the north"- Abraham Lincoln

"Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material" - Leviticus 19 19

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YYW
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11/18/2013 11:18:39 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/18/2013 4:18:42 AM, InvictusManeo wrote:
I tend to not give a f*** about how whomever I am dating thinks of my appearance beyond the usual thinking I am hot and sexy and bangable. However I have yet to date a person who disapproved of something about me physically and openly expressed to me a desire to change it. I'm sure if it happened I would tell them to f*** off, which is an appropriate response in my view.

Where I think the line can be drawn is if any alterations to your physical appearance pose some kind of personal or social health threat I.e. the decision (or conversely allowance) to gain too much weight, which is not only unattractive but unhealthy. I could probably extend this to extreme forms of body modification, too.

For someone to express a preference is one thing. It's quite another to make that preference a prerequisite to having a loving relationship with a person.

I say if you enjoy having piercings then you should have your piercings. I find piercings and tattoos to be very hot. So maybe you should just date me instead.

#foreveralone
Tsar of DDO
BlackVoid
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11/18/2013 11:29:12 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/15/2013 11:46:37 PM, tulle wrote:
Title shortened for brevity---but how important is your significant other's opinion when it comes to your appearance?

I used to have a tragus piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

As well as a septum piercing http://3.bp.blogspot.com...

I want both piercings again, but Maikuru is strictly against it. While I had the septum piercing, I would flip it upside down at work and people barely noticed it; I feel like I should be able to get it and just hide it when we're together :p

If you strongly disagreed with your significant other about an aspect of either your appearance or theirs, how would you resolve it?

Lol, sorry but I have to side with Maikuru on this one. That just doesn't look good. Just my opinion, but I can see why he would be against it.

I would be willing to make some changes. If there's a few clothes I have that she doesn't like, I wouldnt wear them with her around. Or if she wanted me to do something *slightly* different with my hair, that could be done. Things that would be out of the question include: growing long hair, getting a tattoo, or dressing up like a goth.

Cross-dressing may be something I'd be open to, depending on how well the day has gone and how many hundreds of dollars I'm being paid to do it.

For your specific situation, it depends on how strongly you want the piercings. You've made it clear that Maikuru is "strictly" against it. But despite that, he's not going to break up with you, or even hold it strongly against you if it happens. You getting the piercings would mean that you wanted them so much that you were willing to override M's protests to get it, which in itself would send a strong message to him of how important they are. And if they're that important, then he won't have too much of an issue with it.
neptune1bond
Posts: 400
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11/19/2013 4:26:01 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/18/2013 4:28:19 AM, InvictusManeo wrote:
At 11/18/2013 12:09:20 AM, RyuuKyuzo wrote:
An ex of mine used to complain that I was getting too muscley and that I'd look like a "meatball" if I didn't stop. In response, I gained 30lbs.

I would agree with your ex that men who like to be bulky and muscular appear unattractive. I dislike the bloated appearance of big muscles and prefer lean mass. In my opinion men who obsess over developing themselves into a specific muscular prototype (in this case large muscle mass) are often doing so in a subconscious effort to gain approval from their male peers (and to also establish dominance over others perceived as weaker for being smaller) and also to attract a kind of woman that seeks out Alpha male types. Usually at the core of these men is a very self-conscious, deeply insecure little boy who measures his worth by the physical power he exudes. Something to think about.

This kind of thinking is really no different than saying that often people who pierce themselves are hooligans that steal and hurt people. It's simply ridiculous stereotyping and has no basis in reality. I personally want to start lifting weights and hope to be fairly bulky. I'm actually very secure of myself and don't give a flying fvck if others approve of me now as a lean guy any more than I will as a muscular guy, especially my male peers. I'm married and happy that way and don't really care about attracting "certain females". And anyone who knows me will tell you that I am the exact opposite of the aggressive or dominant "alpha-male" type and that I have no desire to establish dominance over others, especially those weaker or smaller. In fact, I've spent a good deal of my life defending people (and animals) that are weaker than me or even those that aren't but may want a little help. I deeply believe that a real man is a hero that stands up for what's right, especially in defense of those who cannot (or cannot easily) defend themselves. I simply want to be bigger because I like the look and I always thought that it better fits who I see myself as (not in the way that you view muscular people, but the way that I think muscular people should be, can be, and sometimes are). I don't mean my comments to be aggressive towards you, btw, I just wanted to point out that it's wrong to stereotype athletic or muscular people in those ways.
neptune1bond
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11/19/2013 5:03:47 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
As far as my response to the OP...

I personally find piercings and tattoos to be very unattractive on women. That's just my personal preference and I don't care if other women get them, but because of my preference I specifically made sure when I was dating my wife that she had no desire to have them. Now, I'm not as shallow as these comments may make me seem, because my wife actually put on a lot of weight at one point and even though overweight women are not normally attractive to me at all, I still thought that she was the most gorgeous woman I'd ever known, I still desired sex with her very regularly, and I was very supportive of the problems she was going through that caused the weight gain. I also know for an absolute fact that I would stay with her and support her no matter what difficulties she went through like cancer, becoming a quadriplegic, etc. I'd wipe her face and butt and clean her messes and kiss her face and love her just as much. She's my soul mate and that's something I could never replace and we've been together long enough (15 years including courtship) and through enough difficulties already that I can say that with absolute certainty.

My opinion is that you should try and discover as much as you can about yourself and your preferences before you begin dating. You should then be as up front as possible with who you are, what you want, and what is important to you when you are dating so that you do not end up in a relationship for a long time only to find out that it won't work because of vast differences later. So many problems can be avoided this way.

Since you are probably already knee-deep in the relationship, my suggestion would be to first discover how important your piercings, tattoos, head shaving, etc. is to you. Actually ask yourself,"If this relationship were to extend indefinitely, would I be o.k. with never having piercings/tattoos/head shaving/etc.?" Then you should sit down with your significant other and find out EXACTLY how important it is to them. Then ask them if they could live indefinitely with a person who has piercings/tattoos/a shaved head/etc. If you find that you can live with not having those things, but they cannot live with those things, and the relationship is important enough to you, then you should give in and give up on those things. If you feel that those things are an essential part of who you are and they can live with it, then they should give in. If both of you could live with either scenario, then find out who it matters to most and consider any possible compromises that might meet both your needs/wants. If you cannot give it up forever and your s.o. cannot live with you having those things, then you might want to consider moving on so that you don't spend any more years with a person that you'll just end up leaving later when the reality sets in and you can no longer live with the differences.

I know that these things seem very unromantic and don't play into the "fairy tale" that people want to make relationships into, but the truth is that it is the way reality works. Eventually the infatuation and "newness" of love wears off and that's when actual love has the potential to begin. You then will really have to come face to face with the reality of living and dealing with this person forever. I personally still look forward to spending the rest of eternity with the goddess that is my amazing wife. But I'm still aware that it all started with doing the work to find the right person in the first place. In fact, we still have to work on our relationship constantly, but that's why it only gets better and better. Sometimes people get so into the movie version of love and "happily ever after" that they don't think of the reality of "ever after" and how much work that really entails. I'm not saying that you haven't thought of these things, but it's extremely important either way. You should always try and be as willing as possible to compromise, but don't give away a part of yourself that you are not really willing to give away. You may be able to deal with it now, but you will definitely regret it later. But you will never find a lasting relationship that does not require you to compromise CONSTANTLY, so try to be as open to that compromise as you possibly can at the same time. Give and take; this but not this; you then her/him; and as much in the middle as you possibly can. This is what relationships are all about. And don't listen to people who sit at either extreme. "Never compromise any part of yourself" is just as wrong as,"just give in if they aren't attracted to it." The answer is usually in the middle and rarely at just one end or the either.
tulle
Posts: 4,445
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11/19/2013 10:38:09 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/18/2013 10:31:15 PM, lewis20 wrote:
When I had a girlfriend it mattered, I figured they knew better what girls liked in a guy than I did.
Plus their advice was always pretty doable, keep a beard, don't slouch etc...

I remember your beard. I concur.
yang.
tulle
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11/19/2013 10:41:33 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/18/2013 11:29:12 PM, BlackVoid wrote:

Lol, sorry but I have to side with Maikuru on this one. That just doesn't look good. Just my opinion, but I can see why he would be against it.

I would be willing to make some changes. If there's a few clothes I have that she doesn't like, I wouldnt wear them with her around. Or if she wanted me to do something *slightly* different with my hair, that could be done. Things that would be out of the question include: growing long hair, getting a tattoo, or dressing up like a goth.


Haha I made Maikuru grow out his beard super long (his mom compared him to Abe Lincoln) and then shave it all off, which he's never done before. He's pretty accommodating of my demands and doesn't ask for much :p I can give up the piercings and shaved head...

Cross-dressing may be something I'd be open to, depending on how well the day has gone and how many hundreds of dollars I'm being paid to do it.

For your specific situation, it depends on how strongly you want the piercings. You've made it clear that Maikuru is "strictly" against it. But despite that, he's not going to break up with you, or even hold it strongly against you if it happens. You getting the piercings would mean that you wanted them so much that you were willing to override M's protests to get it, which in itself would send a strong message to him of how important they are. And if they're that important, then he won't have too much of an issue with it.

I think you're probably right about the last paragraph.
yang.
tulle
Posts: 4,445
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11/19/2013 10:45:20 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 11/19/2013 5:03:47 AM, neptune1bond wrote:
As far as my response to the OP...

I personally find piercings and tattoos to be very unattractive on women. That's just my personal preference and I don't care if other women get them, but because of my preference I specifically made sure when I was dating my wife that she had no desire to have them. Now, I'm not as shallow as these comments may make me seem, because my wife actually put on a lot of weight at one point and even though overweight women are not normally attractive to me at all, I still thought that she was the most gorgeous woman I'd ever known, I still desired sex with her very regularly, and I was very supportive of the problems she was going through that caused the weight gain. I also know for an absolute fact that I would stay with her and support her no matter what difficulties she went through like cancer, becoming a quadriplegic, etc. I'd wipe her face and butt and clean her messes and kiss her face and love her just as much. She's my soul mate and that's something I could never replace and we've been together long enough (15 years including courtship) and through enough difficulties already that I can say that with absolute certainty.


I literally said "AWWW" out loud in the library :p

As for the rest of your post, that was incredibly well-articulated and wonderful advice. You are now one of my favourite people on here!
yang.