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I Hate Valentines Day

YYW
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2/14/2014 7:30:14 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Every year on the 14th of February, people ask me the same question: why don't you have a significant other? Before I came out, and to those people who still don't know I'm gay (yes, there are a few) the question is always: "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" For those who know I'm gay, the question is, rather, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Of course there are banal answers, to these equally banal questions -questions made to be banal because of their ubiquity. The easy answer is to quote Cher, in her infinite wisdom:

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for." -Cher

But the harder, more truthful answer is to say that I have found what I'm looking for, but there's this weirdness that I've been hence fourth unable to overcome, and which I'll avoid getting into at this point because you've all, I'm sure, heard enough about my love life. And nothing's changed since then. I still love him. He still loves me. We're still not "together" because we're both afraid to take the jump, and we both know we're both afraid to take the jump. Our mutual self awareness of this fact certainly doesn't improve the situation; quite the opposite.

And on this day, at this time (it's a little after 8:00 PM), I am typing this post just as aware this year as I was the year previous, that cheap little boxes of chocolate for every price point, and all varieties of flower arrangements, have been given -mostly by men- to the objects of their affection, in the hope that this of all evenings will be as romantic as we all think it ought to be. The tokens of sentiment do not bother me, despite their uncivilly consumeristic taint. The romantic meals don't bother me. I actually love sitting in a nice restaurant, with live piano jazz playing in the background and a bottle of good wine on the table, staring into the eyes of the guy I'd love nothing more than to call mine. There is real value in that, to be sure.

But tonight, I can't even bring myself to go for the cheap hookup -and that's what bothers me. It bothers me even more that tomorrow I'll have to answer for the fact that I did nothing on Valentine's Day. Friends will ask where I went, with whom I kept company and whether or not that company was kept through the night. It's already turning my stomach to think about it.

They say that the reason we check our phones, our facebook accounts, our twitters and our tumblrs is because we all have an incessant fear of missing out. So, to ensure that we aren't missing anything, we constantly browse social media not only to see what our friends are up to, but to measure our "doings" against theirs. But, for a single -especially a single gay- guy, Valentine's day isn't so much about the "fear" of missing out, so much as it is the certainty. I am certain, for example, that my straight friends who are in relationships will have lovely times tonight just as I am certain that most of my gay friends who are single, are browsing hook-up apps trying to fill the void in their evenings -among other things. My gay friends who are partnered off, or at least many of them, are just sickeningly adorable together.

To be sure, I want them all to have a good time. I want their evenings to be everything they think Valentine's Day ought to be. But, at the same time, I want to be a part of that too -and it is disheartening that, once more, I'm not. Maybe that makes me pathetic, or, at least pathetic, tonight. It sort of does, actually. At least I'm not one of those people who lies to themselves when they try to make themselves feel better by saying that they're better off alone. That's a nice thought. It might even be the case for some. But, it doesn't make the other side of the bed any warmer -and that reality is especially hard to hide from on February 14.

I hate Valentines Day.
Tsar of DDO
philochristos
Posts: 2,614
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2/15/2014 10:24:11 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 2/14/2014 7:30:14 PM, YYW wrote:
Every year on the 14th of February, people ask me the same question: why don't you have a significant other? Before I came out, and to those people who still don't know I'm gay (yes, there are a few) the question is always: "Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

Since I got fat and ugly, people have stopped asking me that.
"Not to know of what things one should demand demonstration, and of what one should not, argues want of education." ~Aristotle

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." ~Aristotle
GodChoosesLife
Posts: 3,461
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2/15/2014 2:57:53 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
I don't like valentines day either. Yesterday I had a horrible experience too.
But I'm often asked if I have a "valentines"... What's that even mean anyway? <--- def sarcasm there...

I personally believe valentines is meant for people who are intending to marry, engaged or are married...
Better than deserved, as ALWAYS.
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themohawkninja
Posts: 816
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2/15/2014 3:29:37 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At least people bother to ask you. Nobody cares about me, which is perfectly fine since my Valentine's data is always an Internet connection and my right hand.
"Morals are simply a limit to man's potential."~Myself

Political correctness is like saying you can't have a steak, because a baby can't eat one ~Unknown
Logic_on_rails
Posts: 2,445
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2/15/2014 4:52:58 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Personally, I'd argue that you shouldn't approach Valentines Day as having to be Romantic. Of course Valentines Day is a case where courtship matters (as I maintain http://theholisticthinker.wordpress.com...) , but, as I also say in that post, Valentines Day should serve as a reminder to gentleman to live their lives with the forthright dignity and respect of a gentleman. Because, frankly, "Gentleman, to convey the image of a sincerely kind, honest and forthright fellow throughout your life is all that can be expected of you, and all that can be expected of anyone."

For Valentines Day I did not engage in Romantic activities. Yes, I sent flowers - but flowers which had non-Romantic meanings to good friends of mine. I also hand-made various cards.

Those aren't Romantic gestures, but they're noble ones. Valentines Day is not a matter of 'taking the jump' , it is a matter of living our lives with the noble aspects of courtship. Now, I can't know how different it is for you in your position, but I think the message is still valid. Be thoughtful in your deeds and let a radiant personality shine through.
"Tis not in mortals to command success
But we"ll do more, Sempronius, we"ll deserve it
themohawkninja
Posts: 816
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2/15/2014 5:01:58 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 2/15/2014 4:52:58 PM, Logic_on_rails wrote:
Personally, I'd argue that you shouldn't approach Valentines Day as having to be Romantic. Of course Valentines Day is a case where courtship matters (as I maintain http://theholisticthinker.wordpress.com...) , but, as I also say in that post, Valentines Day should serve as a reminder to gentleman to live their lives with the forthright dignity and respect of a gentleman. Because, frankly, "Gentleman, to convey the image of a sincerely kind, honest and forthright fellow throughout your life is all that can be expected of you, and all that can be expected of anyone."

For Valentines Day I did not engage in Romantic activities. Yes, I sent flowers - but flowers which had non-Romantic meanings to good friends of mine. I also hand-made various cards.

Those aren't Romantic gestures, but they're noble ones. Valentines Day is not a matter of 'taking the jump' , it is a matter of living our lives with the noble aspects of courtship. Now, I can't know how different it is for you in your position, but I think the message is still valid. Be thoughtful in your deeds and let a radiant personality shine through.

That's what I do everyday. What you described was just chivalry.
"Morals are simply a limit to man's potential."~Myself

Political correctness is like saying you can't have a steak, because a baby can't eat one ~Unknown
YYW
Posts: 36,287
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2/15/2014 11:05:32 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 2/15/2014 9:13:32 AM, tulle wrote:
Yeah it sucks... that's basically every holiday for some people :(

I guess so. I hope you and Makiu had a good valentines day... do they do valentines day in Canada? Idk... I haven't spent nearly enough time there.

But yeah, another holiday I really hate is St. Patricks day. That one's less personal, though.
Tsar of DDO
tulle
Posts: 4,445
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2/16/2014 9:35:48 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
@yyw---yeah, we did, thanks for asking. We both had to work but then he flew in afterward :)

What's wrong with St Patricks day?
yang.
DudeStop
Posts: 1,278
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2/16/2014 9:41:08 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 2/14/2014 7:30:14 PM, YYW wrote:
Every year on the 14th of February, people ask me the same question: why don't you have a significant other? Before I came out, and to those people who still don't know I'm gay (yes, there are a few) the question is always: "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" For those who know I'm gay, the question is, rather, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Of course there are banal answers, to these equally banal questions -questions made to be banal because of their ubiquity. The easy answer is to quote Cher, in her infinite wisdom:

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for." -Cher

But the harder, more truthful answer is to say that I have found what I'm looking for, but there's this weirdness that I've been hence fourth unable to overcome, and which I'll avoid getting into at this point because you've all, I'm sure, heard enough about my love life. And nothing's changed since then. I still love him. He still loves me. We're still not "together" because we're both afraid to take the jump, and we both know we're both afraid to take the jump. Our mutual self awareness of this fact certainly doesn't improve the situation; quite the opposite.

I'm flattered.
YYW
Posts: 36,287
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2/17/2014 6:17:57 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 2/16/2014 9:35:48 PM, tulle wrote:
@yyw---yeah, we did, thanks for asking. We both had to work but then he flew in afterward :)

I'm happy to hear that. When do you guys move stateside?

What's wrong with St Patricks day?

My problem with St. Patrick's day is not entirely unlike my problem with Valentine's day, in that my reasons for hating it are primarily centered around how I react to it.

I always drink too much (because that's what all my friends are doing), and I always regret doing that (because I get horrible hangovers now), therefore I hate St. Patricks day.

Yeah...
Tsar of DDO
bladerunner060
Posts: 7,126
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2/17/2014 10:24:08 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 2/17/2014 6:17:57 AM, YYW wrote:

My problem with St. Patrick's day is not entirely unlike my problem with Valentine's day, in that my reasons for hating it are primarily centered around how I react to it.

I always drink too much (because that's what all my friends are doing), and I always regret doing that (because I get horrible hangovers now), therefore I hate St. Patricks day.

One of the perks of my job is that I no longer really have to deal with my own hangovers. Thanks, Normal Saline!

But srsly, sorry dude.

He still loves me. We're still not "together" because we're both afraid to take the jump, and we both know we're both afraid to take the jump. Our mutual self awareness of this fact certainly doesn't improve the situation; quite the opposite.

I will say this, something I read once in some piece of crap book that I won't name in order to maintain what little dignity I occasionally possess (I've already copped to being a fedora fan, so there's not much left). But:

Fear is failure, and the forerunner of failure.

If Valentine's Day reminds you of this situation, that may well be a good thing. That it stings particularly much on this day (as opposed to the general ache and throb of every other day), perhaps eventually that needling will spur you to action. If you've found what you want, go for it.

Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!

Take it from me, for it's a Charybdis I spent rather a lot of my formative years circling: It pays nothing to simply sit idly and wish. Which is, of course, easier for the observer to say than the participant to do. It's no less a truth, though. At some point you'll die, and get your reward, whether it's the sweet embrace of oblivion or something else altogether--but in the meantime? Don't hesitate on happiness--ain't nobody got time for that.

Every year you don't go for it, is a year that you could have been together, or you could have known you'll forever be apart. Is the latter a misery? To be sure--but it's the misery of knowledge. Of being thrust through a door and into another room, of no longer saying "I found what I want"--because what you have now is clearly not what you want, and if anything it's holding you back from either actually having it, or going out to look for it.

But what the hell do I know.
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sadolite
Posts: 8,838
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2/17/2014 7:55:45 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Holidays are always sour grapes to someone and then they aren't.
It's not your views that divide us, it's what you think my views should be that divides us.

If you think I will give up my rights and forsake social etiquette to make you "FEEL" better you are sadly mistaken

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