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I punched an old lady in the face

zmikecuber
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3/22/2014 8:38:35 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
It was in a church too. Listen to this, fellas....

I went to confession, and I was doing my penance. And I guess Saturday Mass was going to start in like 45 minutes. So these two old ladies come up, and they sit down next to me. The pews all around me were empty. But I guess I was sitting in "their" spot. You know.. the spot near the back where the old ladies sit the whole time and talk.

Anyways, I wasn't about to move. The old lady smells like menthol cigarettes and perfume. She leans over and is like "Excuse me hon, this is my spot." And I'm like, "Well I'm sitting here."

Her face contorted into one big wrinkle.

She put her long, black painted finger nails, on the back of my neck and started pinching me with her witch-like claws.

"This is my spot, hon."

Then she pinched harder and it really started to hurt. I realized that if I didn't move, she was going to rip a chunk of skin off the back of my neck.

Well... I lost my temper. And I gave her a right hook right to her jaw. Probably not the best idea.

I found out later when she was pulling out her ID to show the police that she was a satanist. You know... in her purse were all kinds of satanic symbols and charms and stuff. Probably was going to steal some hosts so she could do the black mass or something.

And I had juuust gone to confession too...
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
zmikecuber
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3/22/2014 8:38:48 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
PS: This is only slightly exaggerated.
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
SeventhProfessor
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3/22/2014 9:20:11 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
I'm no sure if I was supposed to, but I laughed a little too much at that...
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zmikecuber
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3/22/2014 9:58:06 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/22/2014 9:20:11 PM, SeventhProfessor wrote:
I'm no sure if I was supposed to, but I laughed a little too much at that...

GoooOoood. ;) It's based on a true story.
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
GodChoosesLife
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3/22/2014 10:05:34 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
This really happened?!
Better than deserved, as ALWAYS.
"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choices."
"The Lord doesn't promise us a perfect life that is free of problems, but he does promise that He'll get us through anything." ~SweeTea
"Good Times" ~ Max
"If Jesus isn't in heaven, then it's not heaven; instead, it's hell." ~anonymous
"Suffering is unimaginably confusing, but it's a way to be drawn closer to God" ~Me
"Tell me what consumes your heart most, and I'll tell you who your God is." ~Dad
zmikecuber
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3/23/2014 12:09:19 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/22/2014 10:05:34 PM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
This really happened?!

Yes and no.
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
GodChoosesLife
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3/23/2014 12:10:14 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/23/2014 12:09:19 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/22/2014 10:05:34 PM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
This really happened?!

Yes and no.

Which part is "yes" and which part is "no"?
Better than deserved, as ALWAYS.
"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choices."
"The Lord doesn't promise us a perfect life that is free of problems, but he does promise that He'll get us through anything." ~SweeTea
"Good Times" ~ Max
"If Jesus isn't in heaven, then it's not heaven; instead, it's hell." ~anonymous
"Suffering is unimaginably confusing, but it's a way to be drawn closer to God" ~Me
"Tell me what consumes your heart most, and I'll tell you who your God is." ~Dad
zmikecuber
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3/23/2014 12:10:24 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/22/2014 10:05:34 PM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
This really happened?!

I mean yes to the question mark, no to the exclamation mark.
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
GodChoosesLife
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3/23/2014 12:11:51 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/23/2014 12:10:24 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/22/2014 10:05:34 PM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
This really happened?!

I mean yes to the question mark, no to the exclamation mark.

Oh. um. okay then. :P
Better than deserved, as ALWAYS.
"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choices."
"The Lord doesn't promise us a perfect life that is free of problems, but he does promise that He'll get us through anything." ~SweeTea
"Good Times" ~ Max
"If Jesus isn't in heaven, then it's not heaven; instead, it's hell." ~anonymous
"Suffering is unimaginably confusing, but it's a way to be drawn closer to God" ~Me
"Tell me what consumes your heart most, and I'll tell you who your God is." ~Dad
zmikecuber
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3/23/2014 12:13:17 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/23/2014 12:11:51 AM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:10:24 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/22/2014 10:05:34 PM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
This really happened?!

I mean yes to the question mark, no to the exclamation mark.

Oh. um. okay then. :P

It's the irish in me... I can't help it. I get the impulse to drink whiskey and bear and punch old ladies in church and then go to confession....
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
GodChoosesLife
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3/23/2014 12:14:04 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/23/2014 12:13:17 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:11:51 AM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:10:24 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/22/2014 10:05:34 PM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
This really happened?!

I mean yes to the question mark, no to the exclamation mark.

Oh. um. okay then. :P

It's the irish in me... I can't help it. I get the impulse to drink whiskey and bear and punch old ladies in church and then go to confession....

your catholic? and Irish?
Better than deserved, as ALWAYS.
"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choices."
"The Lord doesn't promise us a perfect life that is free of problems, but he does promise that He'll get us through anything." ~SweeTea
"Good Times" ~ Max
"If Jesus isn't in heaven, then it's not heaven; instead, it's hell." ~anonymous
"Suffering is unimaginably confusing, but it's a way to be drawn closer to God" ~Me
"Tell me what consumes your heart most, and I'll tell you who your God is." ~Dad
zmikecuber
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3/23/2014 12:14:55 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/23/2014 12:14:04 AM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:13:17 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:11:51 AM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:10:24 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/22/2014 10:05:34 PM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
This really happened?!

I mean yes to the question mark, no to the exclamation mark.

Oh. um. okay then. :P

It's the irish in me... I can't help it. I get the impulse to drink whiskey and bear and punch old ladies in church and then go to confession....

your catholic? and Irish?

I meant public radio confession.

lol, yes I'm part irish and I'm catholic.
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
GodChoosesLife
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3/23/2014 12:16:28 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/23/2014 12:14:55 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:14:04 AM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:13:17 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:11:51 AM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:10:24 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/22/2014 10:05:34 PM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
This really happened?!

I mean yes to the question mark, no to the exclamation mark.

Oh. um. okay then. :P

It's the irish in me... I can't help it. I get the impulse to drink whiskey and bear and punch old ladies in church and then go to confession....

your catholic? and Irish?

I meant public radio confession.

lol, yes I'm part irish and I'm catholic.

You know what, I'm just making myself look stupid cause I can't tell what you mean and then I ask dumb questions LOL.. Soooo I'm just gonna leave this thread.. *waves bye* LOL ;P
Better than deserved, as ALWAYS.
"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choices."
"The Lord doesn't promise us a perfect life that is free of problems, but he does promise that He'll get us through anything." ~SweeTea
"Good Times" ~ Max
"If Jesus isn't in heaven, then it's not heaven; instead, it's hell." ~anonymous
"Suffering is unimaginably confusing, but it's a way to be drawn closer to God" ~Me
"Tell me what consumes your heart most, and I'll tell you who your God is." ~Dad
zmikecuber
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3/23/2014 12:17:26 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/23/2014 12:16:28 AM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:14:55 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:14:04 AM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:13:17 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:11:51 AM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
At 3/23/2014 12:10:24 AM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/22/2014 10:05:34 PM, GodChoosesLife wrote:
This really happened?!

I mean yes to the question mark, no to the exclamation mark.

Oh. um. okay then. :P

It's the irish in me... I can't help it. I get the impulse to drink whiskey and bear and punch old ladies in church and then go to confession....

your catholic? and Irish?

I meant public radio confession.

lol, yes I'm part irish and I'm catholic.

You know what, I'm just making myself look stupid cause I can't tell what you mean and then I ask dumb questions LOL.. Soooo I'm just gonna leave this thread.. *waves bye* LOL ;P

Well don't worry, I gave myself a tattoo
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
yay842
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3/23/2014 12:37:34 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
1. she deserved it
2. i thought this was to get attention like what jonbonbon and imabench did
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GodChoosesLife
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3/23/2014 12:43:01 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/23/2014 12:37:34 AM, yay842 wrote:
2. i thought this was to get attention like what jonbonbon and imabench did

I actually thought the same ...
Better than deserved, as ALWAYS.
"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choices."
"The Lord doesn't promise us a perfect life that is free of problems, but he does promise that He'll get us through anything." ~SweeTea
"Good Times" ~ Max
"If Jesus isn't in heaven, then it's not heaven; instead, it's hell." ~anonymous
"Suffering is unimaginably confusing, but it's a way to be drawn closer to God" ~Me
"Tell me what consumes your heart most, and I'll tell you who your God is." ~Dad
yay842
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3/23/2014 12:44:17 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/22/2014 8:38:35 PM, zmikecuber wrote:
It was in a church too. Listen to this, fellas....

I went to confession, and I was doing my penance. And I guess Saturday Mass was going to start in like 45 minutes. So these two old ladies come up, and they sit down next to me. The pews all around me were empty. But I guess I was sitting in "their" spot. You know.. the spot near the back where the old ladies sit the whole time and talk.

Anyways, I wasn't about to move. The old lady smells like menthol cigarettes and perfume. She leans over and is like "Excuse me hon, this is my spot." And I'm like, "Well I'm sitting here."

Her face contorted into one big wrinkle.

She put her long, black painted finger nails, on the back of my neck and started pinching me with her witch-like claws.

"This is my spot, hon."

Then she pinched harder and it really started to hurt. I realized that if I didn't move, she was going to rip a chunk of skin off the back of my neck.

Well... I lost my temper. And I gave her a right hook right to her jaw. Probably not the best idea.

I found out later when she was pulling out her ID to show the police that she was a satanist. You know... in her purse were all kinds of satanic symbols and charms and stuff. Probably was going to steal some hosts so she could do the black mass or something.

And I had juuust gone to confession too...

respect
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Defro
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3/23/2014 1:05:52 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/22/2014 8:38:35 PM, zmikecuber wrote:
It was in a church too. Listen to this, fellas....

I went to confession, and I was doing my penance. And I guess Saturday Mass was going to start in like 45 minutes. So these two old ladies come up, and they sit down next to me. The pews all around me were empty. But I guess I was sitting in "their" spot. You know.. the spot near the back where the old ladies sit the whole time and talk.

Anyways, I wasn't about to move. The old lady smells like menthol cigarettes and perfume. She leans over and is like "Excuse me hon, this is my spot." And I'm like, "Well I'm sitting here."

Her face contorted into one big wrinkle.

She put her long, black painted finger nails, on the back of my neck and started pinching me with her witch-like claws.

"This is my spot, hon."

Then she pinched harder and it really started to hurt. I realized that if I didn't move, she was going to rip a chunk of skin off the back of my neck.

Well... I lost my temper. And I gave her a right hook right to her jaw. Probably not the best idea.

I found out later when she was pulling out her ID to show the police that she was a satanist. You know... in her purse were all kinds of satanic symbols and charms and stuff. Probably was going to steal some hosts so she could do the black mass or something.

And I had juuust gone to confession too...

Man...I'd just let them have their spot....
Blade-of-Truth
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3/24/2014 2:09:50 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/22/2014 8:38:35 PM, zmikecuber wrote:
It was in a church too. Listen to this, fellas....

I went to confession, and I was doing my penance. And I guess Saturday Mass was going to start in like 45 minutes. So these two old ladies come up, and they sit down next to me. The pews all around me were empty. But I guess I was sitting in "their" spot. You know.. the spot near the back where the old ladies sit the whole time and talk.

Anyways, I wasn't about to move. The old lady smells like menthol cigarettes and perfume. She leans over and is like "Excuse me hon, this is my spot." And I'm like, "Well I'm sitting here."

Her face contorted into one big wrinkle.

She put her long, black painted finger nails, on the back of my neck and started pinching me with her witch-like claws.

I said, "This is my spot, hon."

Then she pinched harder and it really started to hurt. I realized suddenly that I enjoyed it... I asked myself, "What are these emotions currently rushing to my loins like the flood waters of Gibraltar?"

Well... I lost my temper. And I gave her a right hook right to her jaw. Probably not the best idea.

;)
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Pitbull15
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3/24/2014 2:23:23 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/22/2014 8:38:35 PM, zmikecuber wrote:
It was in a church too. Listen to this, fellas....

I went to confession, and I was doing my penance. And I guess Saturday Mass was going to start in like 45 minutes. So these two old ladies come up, and they sit down next to me. The pews all around me were empty. But I guess I was sitting in "their" spot. You know.. the spot near the back where the old ladies sit the whole time and talk.

Anyways, I wasn't about to move. The old lady smells like menthol cigarettes and perfume. She leans over and is like "Excuse me hon, this is my spot." And I'm like, "Well I'm sitting here."

Her face contorted into one big wrinkle.

She put her long, black painted finger nails, on the back of my neck and started pinching me with her witch-like claws.

"This is my spot, hon."

Then she pinched harder and it really started to hurt. I realized that if I didn't move, she was going to rip a chunk of skin off the back of my neck.

Well... I lost my temper. And I gave her a right hook right to her jaw. Probably not the best idea.

I found out later when she was pulling out her ID to show the police that she was a satanist. You know... in her purse were all kinds of satanic symbols and charms and stuff. Probably was going to steal some hosts so she could do the black mass or something.

And I had juuust gone to confession too...

Did she by any chance happen to look like this?
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Illegalcombatant
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3/24/2014 5:46:03 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/22/2014 8:38:35 PM, zmikecuber wrote:
It was in a church too. Listen to this, fellas....

I went to confession, and I was doing my penance. And I guess Saturday Mass was going to start in like 45 minutes. So these two old ladies come up, and they sit down next to me. The pews all around me were empty. But I guess I was sitting in "their" spot. You know.. the spot near the back where the old ladies sit the whole time and talk.

Anyways, I wasn't about to move. The old lady smells like menthol cigarettes and perfume. She leans over and is like "Excuse me hon, this is my spot." And I'm like, "Well I'm sitting here."

Her face contorted into one big wrinkle.

She put her long, black painted finger nails, on the back of my neck and started pinching me with her witch-like claws.

"This is my spot, hon."

Then she pinched harder and it really started to hurt. I realized that if I didn't move, she was going to rip a chunk of skin off the back of my neck.

Well... I lost my temper. And I gave her a right hook right to her jaw. Probably not the best idea.

I found out later when she was pulling out her ID to show the police that she was a satanist. You know... in her purse were all kinds of satanic symbols and charms and stuff. Probably was going to steal some hosts so she could do the black mass or something.

And I had juuust gone to confession too...

I fail to see the problem....

I mean hell, with stand your ground laws you could of shot her. You acted in self defense.........against an evil satanist no less !!! I mean the only thing easier to get you off would be if you person who attacked you was a young black wearing a hoody........with a previous rap sheet.

Punch (or shoot) away.....
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Sswdwm
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3/24/2014 3:39:02 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/22/2014 8:38:35 PM, zmikecuber wrote:
It was in a church too. Listen to this, fellas....

I went to confession, and I was doing my penance. And I guess Saturday Mass was going to start in like 45 minutes. So these two old ladies come up, and they sit down next to me. The pews all around me were empty. But I guess I was sitting in "their" spot. You know.. the spot near the back where the old ladies sit the whole time and talk.

Anyways, I wasn't about to move. The old lady smells like menthol cigarettes and perfume. She leans over and is like "Excuse me hon, this is my spot." And I'm like, "Well I'm sitting here."

Her face contorted into one big wrinkle.

She put her long, black painted finger nails, on the back of my neck and started pinching me with her witch-like claws.

"This is my spot, hon."

Then she pinched harder and it really started to hurt. I realized that if I didn't move, she was going to rip a chunk of skin off the back of my neck.

Well... I lost my temper. And I gave her a right hook right to her jaw. Probably not the best idea.

I found out later when she was pulling out her ID to show the police that she was a satanist. You know... in her purse were all kinds of satanic symbols and charms and stuff. Probably was going to steal some hosts so she could do the black mass or something.

And I had juuust gone to confession too...

Would you be up for a debate on the morality of this action of yours? =p

(Nice one btw!)
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3/24/2014 4:09:07 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/24/2014 3:45:53 PM, AnDoctuir wrote:
I have so little respect for people who consider themselves "part Irish".

Ich bin halb Deutsch, Schweine.
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
zmikecuber
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3/24/2014 4:09:56 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/24/2014 3:39:02 PM, Sswdwm wrote:
At 3/22/2014 8:38:35 PM, zmikecuber wrote:
It was in a church too. Listen to this, fellas....

I went to confession, and I was doing my penance. And I guess Saturday Mass was going to start in like 45 minutes. So these two old ladies come up, and they sit down next to me. The pews all around me were empty. But I guess I was sitting in "their" spot. You know.. the spot near the back where the old ladies sit the whole time and talk.

Anyways, I wasn't about to move. The old lady smells like menthol cigarettes and perfume. She leans over and is like "Excuse me hon, this is my spot." And I'm like, "Well I'm sitting here."

Her face contorted into one big wrinkle.

She put her long, black painted finger nails, on the back of my neck and started pinching me with her witch-like claws.

"This is my spot, hon."

Then she pinched harder and it really started to hurt. I realized that if I didn't move, she was going to rip a chunk of skin off the back of my neck.

Well... I lost my temper. And I gave her a right hook right to her jaw. Probably not the best idea.

I found out later when she was pulling out her ID to show the police that she was a satanist. You know... in her purse were all kinds of satanic symbols and charms and stuff. Probably was going to steal some hosts so she could do the black mass or something.

And I had juuust gone to confession too...

Would you be up for a debate on the morality of this action of yours? =p

(Nice one btw!)

No, because I got right back in line for confession afterwards. ;P

Like I said this was juuuust a bit exaggerated...
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
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3/24/2014 4:24:16 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/24/2014 4:09:56 PM, zmikecuber wrote:
At 3/24/2014 3:39:02 PM, Sswdwm wrote:
At 3/22/2014 8:38:35 PM, zmikecuber wrote:
It was in a church too. Listen to this, fellas....

I went to confession, and I was doing my penance. And I guess Saturday Mass was going to start in like 45 minutes. So these two old ladies come up, and they sit down next to me. The pews all around me were empty. But I guess I was sitting in "their" spot. You know.. the spot near the back where the old ladies sit the whole time and talk.

Anyways, I wasn't about to move. The old lady smells like menthol cigarettes and perfume. She leans over and is like "Excuse me hon, this is my spot." And I'm like, "Well I'm sitting here."

Her face contorted into one big wrinkle.

She put her long, black painted finger nails, on the back of my neck and started pinching me with her witch-like claws.

"This is my spot, hon."

Then she pinched harder and it really started to hurt. I realized that if I didn't move, she was going to rip a chunk of skin off the back of my neck.

Well... I lost my temper. And I gave her a right hook right to her jaw. Probably not the best idea.

I found out later when she was pulling out her ID to show the police that she was a satanist. You know... in her purse were all kinds of satanic symbols and charms and stuff. Probably was going to steal some hosts so she could do the black mass or something.

And I had juuust gone to confession too...

Would you be up for a debate on the morality of this action of yours? =p

(Nice one btw!)

No, because I got right back in line for confession afterwards. ;P

Like I said this was juuuust a bit exaggerated...

Damn =p

I don't think I could have kept a straight face if somebody confessed that to me...
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Magic8000
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3/24/2014 4:40:44 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
You should have put her on the ground then kicked her.
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yay842
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3/24/2014 8:46:51 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/24/2014 7:09:45 PM, xXCryptoXx wrote:
So which parts are exaggerated?

the old lady was actually a man and the pinch was a subtle move to caress the thigh
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zmikecuber
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3/25/2014 9:23:41 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 3/24/2014 7:09:45 PM, xXCryptoXx wrote:
So which parts are exaggerated?

All the violent parts, lol.
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