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I'm leaving DDO until I fix my life

Zarroette
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6/21/2014 6:52:27 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
I really don't think I can stop myself, so I'm just going to say whatever comes into my mind. Call me a drama-wh*re or whatever, I really don't give a f*ck about much anymore.

I'm really frustrated, depressed and sick of my life. I've watched myself become this angry, b*tchy, unlikable c*nt. But the saddest thing is that I let myself become this. I wasn't always like this. Only a couple years ago I was a shy, quiet Christian girl. I know that I've been through a lot, but my behaviour on this site is hurting it. I just harvest drama and misery. I shouldn't be on this site.

I don't know how to fix myself, either. In my toughest times, it's been anger that's got me through. I swear I could have just curled up and died, before I ever made it to the Child refuge centre. But now it's just killing me. I'm literally at the mercy of my anger. I snapped at Ragnar the other day over f*ck all. I was a real b*tch to bladerunner after he left a thoughtful RFD. And these things have happened in the last few days. I mean, who the f*ck actually likes me? Why would anyone like someone who behaves like me?

I've tried to fix my anger so many times, like I've been trying for years. I reckon that I've got even worse. Ever since my dad bashed me, I've just lost myself. I cannot control my anger. I've had numerous conversations with numerous people. None of it f*cking sinks in. Now I understand why people hate paedophiles and child abusers so much. I really mean that. I don't want to blame my problems solely on something else, but his actions have f*cked me up. I thought that there was a barrier, despite his resentment of me, that he would never cross. I don't go a week without remembering all the sh*t he said to me, either. "You really should have been aborted". I mean it really got to me at the time, but I thought that I'd move on from it. But occasionally, whenever I get beaten or I fail, I'm reminded of things he said. At night, I'll still be reminded of that. I can't escape it. And then I hit one of my brothers that I was supposed to be minding. I just don't even know what to say.

And then my anti-natalist views bring me down further. I can't justify my existence. I don't think I should bother existing. Yet somehow, I've just got to ignore all of it. I can't, really. It's only only my frustration with not being better and genuine hatred for my dad that keeps me going. Nothing rational at all. I can't do it. I can't look at myself in the mirror and say "you should continue living". I'm dangerously close to really terrifying places, I know it. I've talked to people who've done it. I've seen and heard them and their thoughts. It won't be long before I start getting thoughts that convince me of things that nobody wants me convinced of.

I shouldn't be debating on here, either. I hate losing so much. I put so much effort into my debates, that I can't handle losing. I just want to win so badly. Too badly. Every vote against me makes me want to break their legs. I just feeling like screaming and yelling. No normal person feels like this. I know because I was not too long ago normal.

So I'm going to leave, and I'm only returning when I fix myself. I am going to fix myself. I haven't the slightest f*cking clue as to how, but I'll see professionals. I don't want to have to put Max through having to ban me. Maybe I just need happy pills. Please don't feel bad for me. I wrote all of this so you could understand why I need to leave. I am hurting this site. When such a fugly person like me attacks other members of this community, it hurts the community. I need to fix myself.

Goodbye, for now. I will find a way. I will be back.
Zarroette
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6/21/2014 6:55:16 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
Oh and to all the people who have put up with me: I shouldn't be doing that to you. I shouldn't be venting personally to you like that. I'm really venting here, too. But it's wrong for me to put my problems on other people like that. You shouldn't have to put up with me and my broken character.
Ajab
Posts: 395
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6/21/2014 7:04:33 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 6:52:27 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I really don't think I can stop myself, so I'm just going to say whatever comes into my mind. Call me a drama-wh*re or whatever, I really don't give a f*ck about much anymore.

I'm really frustrated, depressed and sick of my life. I've watched myself become this angry, b*tchy, unlikable c*nt. But the saddest thing is that I let myself become this. I wasn't always like this. Only a couple years ago I was a shy, quiet Christian girl. I know that I've been through a lot, but my behaviour on this site is hurting it. I just harvest drama and misery. I shouldn't be on this site.

I don't know how to fix myself, either. In my toughest times, it's been anger that's got me through. I swear I could have just curled up and died, before I ever made it to the Child refuge centre. But now it's just killing me. I'm literally at the mercy of my anger. I snapped at Ragnar the other day over f*ck all. I was a real b*tch to bladerunner after he left a thoughtful RFD. And these things have happened in the last few days. I mean, who the f*ck actually likes me? Why would anyone like someone who behaves like me?

I've tried to fix my anger so many times, like I've been trying for years. I reckon that I've got even worse. Ever since my dad bashed me, I've just lost myself. I cannot control my anger. I've had numerous conversations with numerous people. None of it f*cking sinks in. Now I understand why people hate paedophiles and child abusers so much. I really mean that. I don't want to blame my problems solely on something else, but his actions have f*cked me up. I thought that there was a barrier, despite his resentment of me, that he would never cross. I don't go a week without remembering all the sh*t he said to me, either. "You really should have been aborted". I mean it really got to me at the time, but I thought that I'd move on from it. But occasionally, whenever I get beaten or I fail, I'm reminded of things he said. At night, I'll still be reminded of that. I can't escape it. And then I hit one of my brothers that I was supposed to be minding. I just don't even know what to say.

And then my anti-natalist views bring me down further. I can't justify my existence. I don't think I should bother existing. Yet somehow, I've just got to ignore all of it. I can't, really. It's only only my frustration with not being better and genuine hatred for my dad that keeps me going. Nothing rational at all. I can't do it. I can't look at myself in the mirror and say "you should continue living". I'm dangerously close to really terrifying places, I know it. I've talked to people who've done it. I've seen and heard them and their thoughts. It won't be long before I start getting thoughts that convince me of things that nobody wants me convinced of.

I shouldn't be debating on here, either. I hate losing so much. I put so much effort into my debates, that I can't handle losing. I just want to win so badly. Too badly. Every vote against me makes me want to break their legs. I just feeling like screaming and yelling. No normal person feels like this. I know because I was not too long ago normal.

So I'm going to leave, and I'm only returning when I fix myself. I am going to fix myself. I haven't the slightest f*cking clue as to how, but I'll see professionals. I don't want to have to put Max through having to ban me. Maybe I just need happy pills. Please don't feel bad for me. I wrote all of this so you could understand why I need to leave. I am hurting this site. When such a fugly person like me attacks other members of this community, it hurts the community. I need to fix myself.

Goodbye, for now. I will find a way. I will be back.

Well I don't know about everyone but I certainly like talking to you. :). I am sure others do as well.
#StandWithBossy
#Addison/Blade-of-Truth: I slapped a girl on the arse once with a piece of uncooked chicken, things got weird.
You threw it away, right? -Ajab
...
Oh lord did you eat it?
...maybe!
GodChoosesLife
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6/21/2014 7:38:22 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 6:55:16 AM, Zarroette wrote:
Oh and to all the people who have put up with me: I shouldn't be doing that to you. I shouldn't be venting personally to you like that. I'm really venting here, too. But it's wrong for me to put my problems on other people like that. You shouldn't have to put up with me and my broken character.

I'm sorry to hear this, but if your okay with it id like to stay in touch with you another way? Maybe email or something? I'll PM you.
Better than deserved, as ALWAYS.
"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choices."
"The Lord doesn't promise us a perfect life that is free of problems, but he does promise that He'll get us through anything." ~SweeTea
"Good Times" ~ Max
"If Jesus isn't in heaven, then it's not heaven; instead, it's hell." ~anonymous
"Suffering is unimaginably confusing, but it's a way to be drawn closer to God" ~Me
"Tell me what consumes your heart most, and I'll tell you who your God is." ~Dad
Kc1999
Posts: 1,037
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6/21/2014 8:24:44 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 8:18:44 AM, Zarroette wrote:
My anti-natalist views are a huge problem for me. They need to go.

D: Who's going to be my ultimate Anti-Natalist enemy?
#NoToMobocracy #BladeStroink
Smithereens
Posts: 5,512
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6/21/2014 8:26:26 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
Good luck, hope you fix up whatever you need to fix without too much hassle and settle back into blissful normality. I mean it, I know people like you, and it's perfectly understandable.

See you some time in the future... perhaps.
Music composition contest: http://www.debate.org...
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
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6/21/2014 8:49:30 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
Good luck in life.
Things should get better soon, given your age.
Just hold out until you can get away.
My work here is, finally, done.
R0b1Billion
Posts: 3,733
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6/21/2014 9:44:53 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 8:18:44 AM, Zarroette wrote:
My anti-natalist views are a huge problem for me. They need to go.

What's wrong with your ideology? You can't change your views simply because you wish you believed something different. If you're only 16, you'll change your views naturally, probably, many times over the next decade anyway. Hardly anybody keeps the same views in their teens and 20s, people are just so young and inexperienced you can't help but discover new ways to think. Defend your theory until somebody inspires you with a good argument. If they can't, then &^%$ their argument and use the best one available to you!
Beliefs in a nutshell:
- The Ends never justify the Means.
- Objectivity is secondary to subjectivity.
- The War on Drugs is the worst policy in the U.S.
- Most people worship technology as a religion.
- Computers will never become sentient.
Defro
Posts: 847
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6/21/2014 10:26:05 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 6:52:27 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I mean, who the f*ck actually likes me? Why would anyone like someone who behaves like me?

I like you. I actually like you more than most members on DDO because you're not an idiot. You're smart and you can debate. Heck, one of your debates has even been nominated for the DDO Hall of Fame.

There's nothing wrong with your hard-headness, and there's nothing wrong with being a b*tch, because this is the internet. People really don't give two sh*ts if you use profanity or insult someone on the internet. I've been on a forum thread where a guy said that he was depressed and everyone told him to kill himself and he ended up actually killing himself! You are nothing in comparison to those guys.

It doesn't matter if you insult people on the internet. But it does matter on DDO because of new policy. However, you haven't been banned or anything so I don't see how your harming the DDO community. You're participating in forums and debates and your debates aren't stupid like most of the debates right now.

You view your stubbornness negatively. I admire it. A debating community needs people who are hard-minded and annoying like this. This would bring more interesting and controversial debates. If everyone on DDO is soft-minded, there would be no good debates because everyone would end up agreeing with each other.

I don't know how to fix myself, either. In my toughest times, it's been anger that's got me through. I swear I could have just curled up and died, before I ever made it to the Child refuge centre. But now it's just killing me.

You could try therapy, though I doubt it works. I'm just as f*cked up as you, trust me. And I've been to therapy, and it sucks sh*t. They just listen to you and give you meds that hardly work.

Do you have any siblings? I don't have any siblings. So what helped me significantly was to have a good friend. I have friends I would die for, and knowing that makes me feel better and less worthless.

You don't need much, I only have 3. But they help tremendously. They don't necessarily "fix" you, but they help you feel better or forget about how sh*t you feel.

You could try drugs :P
Cigarettes, marijuana makes you happy, and alcohol makes you forget. I wouldn't recommend doing any of this without friends though.

But ultimately, if you have no friends that can make you feel better, I'd advise you to stay on DDO, because we're all you have ;)

Ever since my dad bashed me, I've just lost myself. I cannot control my anger. I've had numerous conversations with numerous people. None of it f*cking sinks in.

I know how you feel. I've had that phase once. My parents have been beating me since 4, so I didn't really mind until I got older and realized it was wrong.

I ended up hating everything. I was angry at everyone and I didn't even know why. A nice person could be talking to me and I would imagine stabbing him.

It wears off though. I got out of that phase and now I just don't give a sh*t about anything, which is much better.

And then I hit one of my brothers that I was supposed to be minding.

I once bit into my cousin's stomach, making him bleed. I also sprayed cockroach repellent in his mouth.

I can't justify my existence. I don't think I should bother existing. Yet somehow, I've just got to ignore all of it. I can't, really. It's only only my frustration with not being better and genuine hatred for my dad that keeps me going. Nothing rational at all. I can't do it. I can't look at myself in the mirror and say "you should continue living". I'm dangerously close to really terrifying places, I know it.

Like 80% of all teens think about suicide. It's normal. I've been in this phase before. I still am. I don't think many people can justify their existence. I feel like my life is pointless. But I never killed myself because I was too p*ssy to do it. A tried to hang myself once, but the rope snapped and I fell on my butt and that hurt a lot.

I can't say I completely understand how you feel, but if how you feel is anything like how I feel and felt, it's probably better to just accept it. Sooner, you just end up not caring about anything. It's great.

I shouldn't be debating on here, either. I hate losing so much. I put so much effort into my debates, that I can't handle losing. I just want to win so badly. Too badly. Every vote against me makes me want to break their legs. I just feeling like screaming and yelling. No normal person feels like this. I know because I was not too long ago normal.

I think this is good. I never want to lose, and I would get extremely butt-hurt if I started losing. This is normal, or at least, I think it's normal. I'm like this.

This is good because it shows how passionate and serious you are on your debates. Trust me, DDO needs you.

Goodbye, for now. I will find a way. I will be back.

See ya. I hope you haven't left by the time you read this. Don't attempt suicide. You will likely fail because you're afraid of the pain and dying. And when you fail, you feel like sh*t. Plus, I'd be pretty pissed and upset if you killed yourself.

But if you do, try cyanide gas. It's instant and you can't go back if you start.
ESocialBookworm
Posts: 14,368
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6/21/2014 1:10:15 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 8:18:44 AM, Zarroette wrote:

I'm upset because I really do like you. On the other hand, good luck and I shall pray for you. I know you're a strong individual and I liked speaking to you.

One day, I am going to be in a bookstore and I'll see your name on a best seller. Not just any bestseller, like the crappy ones we have today with lovey-dovey idiocy. A good story, with a plot that leaves you biting your nails, characters that you become attached to and a message that will sweep over readers and captivate them.

That's what you're capable of Cassie: great things.

If you ever rejoin the site, feel free to PM me. I'd love to catch up because I have faith in you.

One of my favourite quotes: "Scars remind us where we've been. They don't dictate our lives." Use what has been asserted onto you to become stronger, if that is even possible because you are already so amazing.

You are a great person. We can all see that. :)
I can't wait for you to see that as well.
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.
LogicalLunatic
Posts: 1,633
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6/21/2014 1:33:15 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Parents who do this kind of stuff to their children should be tortured to death using Medieval European methods.
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ESocialBookworm
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6/21/2014 2:32:32 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 1:33:15 PM, LogicalLunatic wrote:
Parents who do this kind of stuff to their children should be tortured to death using Medieval European methods.
*nods*
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.
zmikecuber
Posts: 4,093
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6/21/2014 3:37:59 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 6:52:27 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I really don't think I can stop myself, so I'm just going to say whatever comes into my mind. Call me a drama-wh*re or whatever, I really don't give a f*ck about much anymore.

I'm really frustrated, depressed and sick of my life. I've watched myself become this angry, b*tchy, unlikable c*nt. But the saddest thing is that I let myself become this. I wasn't always like this. Only a couple years ago I was a shy, quiet Christian girl. I know that I've been through a lot, but my behaviour on this site is hurting it. I just harvest drama and misery. I shouldn't be on this site.

I don't know how to fix myself, either. In my toughest times, it's been anger that's got me through. I swear I could have just curled up and died, before I ever made it to the Child refuge centre. But now it's just killing me. I'm literally at the mercy of my anger. I snapped at Ragnar the other day over f*ck all. I was a real b*tch to bladerunner after he left a thoughtful RFD. And these things have happened in the last few days. I mean, who the f*ck actually likes me? Why would anyone like someone who behaves like me?

I've tried to fix my anger so many times, like I've been trying for years. I reckon that I've got even worse. Ever since my dad bashed me, I've just lost myself. I cannot control my anger. I've had numerous conversations with numerous people. None of it f*cking sinks in. Now I understand why people hate paedophiles and child abusers so much. I really mean that. I don't want to blame my problems solely on something else, but his actions have f*cked me up. I thought that there was a barrier, despite his resentment of me, that he would never cross. I don't go a week without remembering all the sh*t he said to me, either. "You really should have been aborted". I mean it really got to me at the time, but I thought that I'd move on from it. But occasionally, whenever I get beaten or I fail, I'm reminded of things he said. At night, I'll still be reminded of that. I can't escape it. And then I hit one of my brothers that I was supposed to be minding. I just don't even know what to say.

And then my anti-natalist views bring me down further. I can't justify my existence. I don't think I should bother existing. Yet somehow, I've just got to ignore all of it. I can't, really. It's only only my frustration with not being better and genuine hatred for my dad that keeps me going. Nothing rational at all. I can't do it. I can't look at myself in the mirror and say "you should continue living". I'm dangerously close to really terrifying places, I know it. I've talked to people who've done it. I've seen and heard them and their thoughts. It won't be long before I start getting thoughts that convince me of things that nobody wants me convinced of.

I shouldn't be debating on here, either. I hate losing so much. I put so much effort into my debates, that I can't handle losing. I just want to win so badly. Too badly. Every vote against me makes me want to break their legs. I just feeling like screaming and yelling. No normal person feels like this. I know because I was not too long ago normal.

So I'm going to leave, and I'm only returning when I fix myself. I am going to fix myself. I haven't the slightest f*cking clue as to how, but I'll see professionals. I don't want to have to put Max through having to ban me. Maybe I just need happy pills. Please don't feel bad for me. I wrote all of this so you could understand why I need to leave. I am hurting this site. When such a fugly person like me attacks other members of this community, it hurts the community. I need to fix myself.

Goodbye, for now. I will find a way. I will be back.

hmm.. :( Well I'm not exactly sure what to say to all this... I've found for me personally what helps best is to not think about myself so much in any way... whether it be about how awesome I am or how horrible I am. Anyways, I might be doing the wrong thing here and feeding into self-hatred, but I'm going to say how I honestly feel about this...

I've always respected you as a debater. I think that as a debater you've done an excellent job, and I had a very enjoyable debate with you that I think could have gone either way. Besides, you're not afraid to take on some of the best debaters on the site. In other words, you're ballsy.

As a person, I also like you. Why? Because you're a believable and real person, and I can somewhat relate to your feelings. It makes me feel horrible to hear from someone that they're miserable or hating themself, but it also makes me sympathize and realize they're a person just like me.

Now I'm not saying I've gotten along with you all the time. We've had our disagreements, and I've been a d*ck to you several times, for which I'd like to apologize.

I'm not going to tell you that you're perfect or anything like that, because we all have things we need to work on. It just varies and depends upon the person.

Now I'm Christian, so of course I'm supposed to love everyone and all that good stuff, but that doesn't mean I necessarily "like" everyone. However, I can honestly say that you are one of the people I "like". The way I judge this is by seeing what you *would* be like if you were to realize your full potential. That's how I realize who I like.

And if you were to ever reach your full potential as a person, you're the type of person I'd just enjoy to talk to and be friends with. You're intelligent, fiery, brave, yet I think you'd be a very loyal friend, and have a tender heart. And I think that's very admirable. Not to mention you're an Aussie, so that makes you double cool :P

And there are times when I've talked to you briefly when this has shown through. I've realized that despite many of the arguments you get into and failings you have, underneath there's a good and loyal person.

Of course, just like everyone, people don't always live up to what they were made to be like. You're no different. But that doesn't mean I dislike you. Rather, it just means you're human and have your struggles just like I do. You're just a broken person like everyone else.

So I don't determine whether or not I "like" you by how often you fall down or f*ck up... but rather by the type of person I can see shining through underneath any difficulties you have. And no matter how many times you screw up, you can't change that underlying person that makes you you.

That's why I get along with some guys who have problems with drugs, sex, etc. and don't get along with some guys who sit in an office and are scandalized by someone using the f word. Because I like or dislike a person determined by *who* they are underneath, and whether or not they care to be that person.

And as far as that goes, I like what I see in you. :-)

Keep your chin up, and just keep trying. That's all anyone can ask from you.

I hope you come back soon, Cassandra! I'll be sure to keep you in my prayers :P

Take care,

zmikecuber
"Delete your fvcking sig" -1hard

"primal man had the habit, when he came into contact with fire, of satisfying the infantile desire connected with it, by putting it out with a stream of his urine... Putting out the fire by micturating was therefore a kind of sexual act with a male, an enjoyment of sexual potency in a homosexual competition."
thett3
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6/21/2014 10:02:57 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Well what I can say is, from my perspective at least, you're definitely not a detriment to the site in any way. I can't claim to understand what you're going through so I don't have any meaningful advice to give or words of comfort.

What I can offer and what I hope makes you feel better, even if just a little, is that I and I assume many others earnestly believe that you'll be able to conquer your demons. I don't think anyone can claim that you aren't a fighter. You'll make it, I know it and I hope you do too. And when you do, DDO will still be here.
DDO Vice President

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#UnbanTheMadman

#BetOnThett

"Don't quote me, ever." -Max

"My name is max. I'm not a big fan of slacks"- Max rapping

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: At 11/12/2016 11:49:40 PM, Raisor wrote:
: thett was right
GodChoosesLife
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6/21/2014 10:13:54 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 6:55:16 AM, Zarroette wrote:
This song, I sang for a friend who's cousin died just last week and wanted to comfort her some way, so I want to send you the same song in recoginition that you may be comforted and know that all of us here on DDO do actually care for your wel-being. You are NOT alone! So please know that! Don't doubt us. I am praying for you Mija, in hopes that your heart will come to peace and that you be filled with so much love. Blessings!
http://www.smule.com...
Better than deserved, as ALWAYS.
"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choices."
"The Lord doesn't promise us a perfect life that is free of problems, but he does promise that He'll get us through anything." ~SweeTea
"Good Times" ~ Max
"If Jesus isn't in heaven, then it's not heaven; instead, it's hell." ~anonymous
"Suffering is unimaginably confusing, but it's a way to be drawn closer to God" ~Me
"Tell me what consumes your heart most, and I'll tell you who your God is." ~Dad
birdlandmemories
Posts: 4,141
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6/21/2014 10:53:51 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 1:33:15 PM, LogicalLunatic wrote:
Parents who do this kind of stuff to their children should be tortured to death using Medieval European methods.

Certainly.
Ashton
Zarroette
Posts: 2,951
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6/22/2014 2:07:17 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
I've realised that my anti-natalist position is my problem, and I'm going to fix it on here. I think if I can watch it get dismantled, I can give it up.
Mhykiel
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6/22/2014 2:55:56 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/22/2014 2:12:48 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I'm going to get counselling, too.

Best wishes to you. I hope your passion becomes balanced by more love.
AdamKG
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6/22/2014 4:04:14 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/22/2014 2:07:17 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I've realised that my anti-natalist position is my problem, and I'm going to fix it on here. I think if I can watch it get dismantled, I can give it up.

We need to find somebody who will dismantle it. Knowing how you debate that person has to be excellent with a very good argument for pronatalism. I am a pronatalist but I am not sure if I could dismantle your arguments well enough to convert you.
Ragnar
Posts: 1,658
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6/22/2014 11:47:16 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
A trick to try, may be debating against something you support. That way RFD not in your favor (or not enough in your favor), are less likely to bother you.

Anyway, good luck in whatever you decide.
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E_Pluribus_Unum
Posts: 53
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6/22/2014 4:38:52 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/21/2014 6:52:27 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I really don't think I can stop myself, so I'm just going to say whatever comes into my mind. Call me a drama-wh*re or whatever, I really don't give a f*ck about much anymore.

I'm really frustrated, depressed and sick of my life. I've watched myself become this angry, b*tchy, unlikable c*nt. But the saddest thing is that I let myself become this. I wasn't always like this. Only a couple years ago I was a shy, quiet Christian girl. I know that I've been through a lot, but my behaviour on this site is hurting it. I just harvest drama and misery. I shouldn't be on this site.

I don't know how to fix myself, either. In my toughest times, it's been anger that's got me through. I swear I could have just curled up and died, before I ever made it to the Child refuge centre. But now it's just killing me. I'm literally at the mercy of my anger. I snapped at Ragnar the other day over f*ck all. I was a real b*tch to bladerunner after he left a thoughtful RFD. And these things have happened in the last few days. I mean, who the f*ck actually likes me? Why would anyone like someone who behaves like me?

I've tried to fix my anger so many times, like I've been trying for years. I reckon that I've got even worse. Ever since my dad bashed me, I've just lost myself. I cannot control my anger. I've had numerous conversations with numerous people. None of it f*cking sinks in. Now I understand why people hate paedophiles and child abusers so much. I really mean that. I don't want to blame my problems solely on something else, but his actions have f*cked me up. I thought that there was a barrier, despite his resentment of me, that he would never cross. I don't go a week without remembering all the sh*t he said to me, either. "You really should have been aborted". I mean it really got to me at the time, but I thought that I'd move on from it. But occasionally, whenever I get beaten or I fail, I'm reminded of things he said. At night, I'll still be reminded of that. I can't escape it. And then I hit one of my brothers that I was supposed to be minding. I just don't even know what to say.

And then my anti-natalist views bring me down further. I can't justify my existence. I don't think I should bother existing. Yet somehow, I've just got to ignore all of it. I can't, really. It's only only my frustration with not being better and genuine hatred for my dad that keeps me going. Nothing rational at all. I can't do it. I can't look at myself in the mirror and say "you should continue living". I'm dangerously close to really terrifying places, I know it. I've talked to people who've done it. I've seen and heard them and their thoughts. It won't be long before I start getting thoughts that convince me of things that nobody wants me convinced of.

I shouldn't be debating on here, either. I hate losing so much. I put so much effort into my debates, that I can't handle losing. I just want to win so badly. Too badly. Every vote against me makes me want to break their legs. I just feeling like screaming and yelling. No normal person feels like this. I know because I was not too long ago normal.

So I'm going to leave, and I'm only returning when I fix myself. I am going to fix myself. I haven't the slightest f*cking clue as to how, but I'll see professionals. I don't want to have to put Max through having to ban me. Maybe I just need happy pills. Please don't feel bad for me. I wrote all of this so you could understand why I need to leave. I am hurting this site. When such a fugly person like me attacks other members of this community, it hurts the community. I need to fix myself.

Goodbye, for now. I will find a way. I will be back.

I wish I personally knew you so I could better address your problem. But believe it or not, you have already made quite a bit of progress. How do you solve a problem? You solve it by recognizing there is one, gathering relevant data, think of solutions, pick the best one, and then implement it. You have done the first two, and part of the third, already.

First of all, have you considered visiting a cognitive behavioral therapist? I think that finding such a counselor that is seriously going to try to help you is your best bet. Don't take me the wrong way; if you hurt your foot you see a podiatrist. So if you hurt your mood you see the mood-straightener. On the other hand, maybe professional help is not necessary. I don't know you, but you might know if the necessity exists. But you absolutely must find a close friend to talk to or, if you're comfortable with it, visiting a local pastor and talking about the issues you are facing. (In a psychological perspective, you may feel better if you joined a religion in which you were a better person when you were previously in the religion. Besides, good pastors can be like counselors.) The point is to talk to somebody. Face-to-face communication is essential here. You know, 55% of communication is nonverbal and from your physiology under the circumstances, 38% is tone of voice you use, and 7% is the words you speak.

Think about that. Over half of what you are saying isn't coming out of your mouth. 93% of what you are telling people isn't the words you say. That's what makes face-to-face communication so vital. Typing to some anonymous stranger online can only go so far. You need to talk to somebody you respect and can trust to be honest with you. You can't keep all this to yourself, and you will be surprised how much a single positive conversation will help you improve.

Take a cup of water and hold it up. Can you guess its weight by holding it?

Here's the thing; the absolute weight doesn't intrinsically matter here. It's just a number. What matters is how long you decide to hold the cup. A minute is not a problem, but what about an hour? Your arm will ache. What about a day? Your arm will feel numb and seem paralyzed. The number of how heavy the cup of water is doesn't change, but the weight of it sure seems to increase with time you hold it. The troubles of life are like that. The more you keep it to yourself, the harder it is to bear it all by yourself. So put the water down by talking to somebody about your troubles.

Of course, all we've done is type words so far. The will to act is much harder. But you've already started to reach out; you made this post on a site you enjoy. You're considering getting help. But don't forget to do what you enjoy. Do you have any hobbies? You should consider trying to take up activities that do not negatively affect your problem by making it worse. Do you jog or ride a bike? Do you like to paint or write? Do you enjoy friendly discussions on politics, religion, or philosophy? Try some of those things. They can't hurt as long as you can keep your cool.

Here's something for anti-natalism and your general outbursts of anger. I realize it isn't truly an airtight deductive argument, but I'd like to think it might help.

1. There are sensation, such as pain, that I do not enjoy.
2. Therefore, I would not enjoy it if someone were to inflict these sensations on me.
3. If I don't want someone to inflict these negative sensations on me, I should not inflict those same sensations on them. Whatever goes around comes around.
4. If I don't want someone to inflict these negative sensations on me and I decide that I should not inflict those same sensations to others, then I recognize that each person has value.
5. If I recognize each person has value, then I think anti-natalism is an incorrect philosophy.
6. If I believe a philosophy is false, then I should not follow it.
7. Therefore, Not only should I treat others how I wish to be treated, but by doing so I admit that each human has undeniable value, which opposes anti-natalism.

But always remember to do unto others as you would have done unto yourself! An act of generosity is an act opposing the idea humanity is
sdavio
Posts: 1,799
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6/24/2014 7:52:57 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 6/22/2014 2:07:17 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I've realised that my anti-natalist position is my problem, and I'm going to fix it on here. I think if I can watch it get dismantled, I can give it up.

I'd like to debate / discuss this topic if you ever want to.. I believe I can disprove it.
"Logic is the money of the mind." - Karl Marx