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Threats from ex

Benjaman
Posts: 1
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7/26/2014 2:27:58 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Hi, a while ago I ended things with my boyfriend through 2 years on bad terms.

Recently, my ex has been messaging me and telling me that he will tell all the people I know about some very bad things I have done, unless I take him back. Obviously, I am never going to take him back, but I feel stuck, because I have no idea how I am going to get out of this mess. Whenever we talk (which is more frequent now, as he keeps reminding me of his threats) we just argue, and he doesn't seem to realise how horrible we both feel when we're together.

I need help. This is making me feel absolutely terrible, and I am seriously considering going back to some very bad habits because of it.

I hope some of you can help me with this,
Jen

PS: I know he will spread the rumors, as he has done it before, by the way, so don't tell me to just ignore him, please.
R0b1Billion
Posts: 3,733
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7/26/2014 2:45:38 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Have you ever read the story of Cain and Abel?
Beliefs in a nutshell:
- The Ends never justify the Means.
- Objectivity is secondary to subjectivity.
- The War on Drugs is the worst policy in the U.S.
- Most people worship technology as a religion.
- Computers will never become sentient.
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
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7/26/2014 2:53:11 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 7/26/2014 2:27:58 PM, Benjaman wrote:
Hi, a while ago I ended things with my boyfriend through 2 years on bad terms.

Recently, my ex has been messaging me and telling me that he will tell all the people I know about some very bad things I have done, unless I take him back. Obviously, I am never going to take him back, but I feel stuck, because I have no idea how I am going to get out of this mess. Whenever we talk (which is more frequent now, as he keeps reminding me of his threats) we just argue, and he doesn't seem to realise how horrible we both feel when we're together.

I need help. This is making me feel absolutely terrible, and I am seriously considering going back to some very bad habits because of it.

I hope some of you can help me with this,
Jen
Stop talking to him, leave him be, and deal with the blowback.
You can spin it as lies, or you can brace for impact (since you know what's coming), but cut him out of life, and let the chips fall where they may.
Once it's out, you don't have to be worried about it being out anymore.


PS: I know he will spread the rumors, as he has done it before, by the way, so don't tell me to just ignore him, please.

So, if he's already done it, what, exactly is the harm? People know.
My work here is, finally, done.
bluesteel
Posts: 12,301
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7/26/2014 4:16:17 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 7/26/2014 2:27:58 PM, Benjaman wrote:
Hi, a while ago I ended things with my boyfriend through 2 years on bad terms.

Recently, my ex has been messaging me and telling me that he will tell all the people I know about some very bad things I have done, unless I take him back. Obviously, I am never going to take him back, but I feel stuck, because I have no idea how I am going to get out of this mess. Whenever we talk (which is more frequent now, as he keeps reminding me of his threats) we just argue, and he doesn't seem to realise how horrible we both feel when we're together.

I need help. This is making me feel absolutely terrible, and I am seriously considering going back to some very bad habits because of it.

I hope some of you can help me with this,
Jen

PS: I know he will spread the rumors, as he has done it before, by the way, so don't tell me to just ignore him, please.

Threaten to sue him for defamation in small claims court if he spreads lies about you. Scare him back basically. I can help you draft a threatening sounding letter. Feel free to PM me.

*Not a lawyer, only a law student.
You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into - Jonathan Swift (paraphrase)
Such
Posts: 1,110
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7/26/2014 4:35:18 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 7/26/2014 2:27:58 PM, Benjaman wrote:
Hi, a while ago I ended things with my boyfriend through 2 years on bad terms.

Recently, my ex has been messaging me and telling me that he will tell all the people I know about some very bad things I have done, unless I take him back. Obviously, I am never going to take him back, but I feel stuck, because I have no idea how I am going to get out of this mess. Whenever we talk (which is more frequent now, as he keeps reminding me of his threats) we just argue, and he doesn't seem to realise how horrible we both feel when we're together.

I need help. This is making me feel absolutely terrible, and I am seriously considering going back to some very bad habits because of it.

I hope some of you can help me with this,
Jen

PS: I know he will spread the rumors, as he has done it before, by the way, so don't tell me to just ignore him, please.

I hate how badly I want to know what you did.
debatability
Posts: 1,160
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7/26/2014 5:04:54 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 7/26/2014 2:27:58 PM, Benjaman wrote:
Hi, a while ago I ended things with my boyfriend through 2 years on bad terms.

Recently, my ex has been messaging me and telling me that he will tell all the people I know about some very bad things I have done, unless I take him back. Obviously, I am never going to take him back, but I feel stuck, because I have no idea how I am going to get out of this mess. Whenever we talk (which is more frequent now, as he keeps reminding me of his threats) we just argue, and he doesn't seem to realise how horrible we both feel when we're together.

I need help. This is making me feel absolutely terrible, and I am seriously considering going back to some very bad habits because of it.

I hope some of you can help me with this,
Jen

PS: I know he will spread the rumors, as he has done it before, by the way, so don't tell me to just ignore him, please.

Wow, my friend was in a similar situation to this.

You must know something personal about him, something that would have the power to humiliate him. Simply let him know that if he releases information about you, you will release information about him.

If you don't have anything on him, then do you best to work it out. If he is unwilling to negotiate, I really do believe that your only choice is to ignore him. If he is not well liked, it would be quite simple for you to convince people that his rumors are false. The worst case scenario is that information about you is released and believed. If that happens, just remember it is not the end of the world. Things will get better, I'm sure :)
Oromagi
Posts: 857
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7/26/2014 5:34:46 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
http://www.wikihow.com...

The sooner you stop taking his calls the sooner he will go away.

You have no control over what he says about you. The best you can do is deny any stories he tells about you and point out that as an ex-boyfriend his motivations are suspect. Strident defenses or worrying about how to stop him are totally ineffective and only improve his credibility. Just deny and move on, the whole thing will fade faster than you think.

The most important aspect is to gauge his capacity for abuse, especially physical abuse. The instant his threats invade normal boundaries: financial threats, property threats, physical threats against you, your loved ones, your pets, etc. you should be seeking help one of many free abuse counseling resources and talking to the police.

Either he's a bad guy who you have no ability to control or he's a good guy who is uncertain about where the boundaries are between you. Set those boundaries and have nothing further to do with him. If he keeps on coming you must seek help.

If you keep talking to him, keep talking about him to everybody else, keep letting him have some place in your life no matter how antagonistic, then you are continuing your relationship with him. Some people would rather have an antagonistic relationship rather than no relationship at all. A little bit of contact can be very provocative, but no contact at all typically defuses the situation.
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
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7/26/2014 5:48:39 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 7/26/2014 4:16:17 PM, bluesteel wrote:


Threaten to sue him for defamation in small claims court if he spreads lies about you. Scare him back basically. I can help you draft a threatening sounding letter. Feel free to PM me.

*Not a lawyer, only a law student.

It sounds like the things are true, though, so the threat means nothing.....unless he's as stupid as he is pathetic?
My work here is, finally, done.
Bennett91
Posts: 4,237
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7/26/2014 6:24:22 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
This sounds like a classic example of black mail (aka extortion), which is a crime. Depending on the nature of the threats you could have him arrested. If the cops can't intervene you have to ignore his calls and file the defamation claim as previously noted.
Mirza
Posts: 16,992
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7/26/2014 7:04:51 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Who are "all the people you know"? If you share the same social circle, his actions could be harmful. If not, you have more authority over the matter and should merely ask your friends to consider his words useless.
xXCryptoXx
Posts: 5,000
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7/26/2014 8:30:11 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 7/26/2014 5:04:54 PM, debatability wrote:
At 7/26/2014 2:27:58 PM, Benjaman wrote:
Hi, a while ago I ended things with my boyfriend through 2 years on bad terms.

Recently, my ex has been messaging me and telling me that he will tell all the people I know about some very bad things I have done, unless I take him back. Obviously, I am never going to take him back, but I feel stuck, because I have no idea how I am going to get out of this mess. Whenever we talk (which is more frequent now, as he keeps reminding me of his threats) we just argue, and he doesn't seem to realise how horrible we both feel when we're together.

I need help. This is making me feel absolutely terrible, and I am seriously considering going back to some very bad habits because of it.

I hope some of you can help me with this,
Jen

PS: I know he will spread the rumors, as he has done it before, by the way, so don't tell me to just ignore him, please.

Wow, my friend was in a similar situation to this.

You must know something personal about him, something that would have the power to humiliate him. Simply let him know that if he releases information about you, you will release information about him.

I have to disagree with this. Although it may be effective to some point, it usually isn't a good idea to as they say, fight fire with fire.

If you don't have anything on him, then do you best to work it out. If he is unwilling to negotiate, I really do believe that your only choice is to ignore him. If he is not well liked, it would be quite simple for you to convince people that his rumors are false. The worst case scenario is that information about you is released and believed. If that happens, just remember it is not the end of the world. Things will get better, I'm sure :)
Nolite Timere
xXCryptoXx
Posts: 5,000
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7/26/2014 8:30:47 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 7/26/2014 5:48:39 PM, Khaos_Mage wrote:
At 7/26/2014 4:16:17 PM, bluesteel wrote:


Threaten to sue him for defamation in small claims court if he spreads lies about you. Scare him back basically. I can help you draft a threatening sounding letter. Feel free to PM me.

*Not a lawyer, only a law student.

It sounds like the things are true, though, so the threat means nothing.....unless he's as stupid as he is pathetic?

I feel like that is usually accurate lol.
Nolite Timere
sadolite
Posts: 8,842
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7/27/2014 10:00:38 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
In 5 years you will sit back and laugh at this. Just say whatever, fuk off and die to him. Anyone who matters wont care what he says. It will also show you who you can trust and who you can't. You should use this as a learning experience to learn about the people around you. You may find the ones you trust most will be the ones who throw you under the bus first. Bottom line no one who gets involved in this will be of any use to you in the future, but only a dead albatross hanging around your neck. Don't give a crap what people think.
It's not your views that divide us, it's what you think my views should be that divides us.

If you think I will give up my rights and forsake social etiquette to make you "FEEL" better you are sadly mistaken

If liberal democrats would just stop shooting people gun violence would drop by 90%
Such
Posts: 1,110
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7/27/2014 11:39:46 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
I will give you the best advice imaginable that would solve this problem and at least three more that you haven't even thought of yet if you just tell me what it is he's holding over your head.