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Feeling suicidal

Truth_seeker
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8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Been catching on me. After the suicide of a friend, that changed my life. I been bearing too much on myself, the guilt, the pain, shame, and an endless cycle of apathy. I know I am stronger than this, but it's too much. I live with the damage i caused to friends and family, am I cursed? Am I even human?, i wake up feeling like hell, and think of my future. It is depressing when I need to pray for forgiveness every time a traumatic event comes up. I fought hard to understand the purpose of my lost friend's life.. How can I when I can't even understand my own? I have family troubles and sometimes, I wonder if the only way I'll learn to see the value of a family is if I experience them passing away.. I can't go through that. I cannot bear any more burdens. Even now, I feel my friend is in a better place.. And somehow, I have the desire to join him. I'm looking for help, not from doctors because they don't understand, I just want support..
Mirza
Posts: 16,992
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8/14/2014 6:25:19 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Seek professional help. Why will doctors not understand as opposed to people online who hardly know you? Unless you have close ties with someone here, getting proper support is highly unlikely. If you are indeed honest about your feelings, then seek help, try to ask for advice from a close friend or relative.
Truth_seeker
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8/14/2014 6:30:45 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 6:25:19 PM, Mirza wrote:
Seek professional help. Why will doctors not understand as opposed to people online who hardly know you? Unless you have close ties with someone here, getting proper support is highly unlikely. If you are indeed honest about your feelings, then seek help, try to ask for advice from a close friend or relative.

I don't feel comfortable doing one on one and i'm not sure who i can trust. I'm not even sure who my real friends are..
Mirza
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8/14/2014 6:46:53 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 6:30:45 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
I don't feel comfortable doing one on one and i'm not sure who i can trust. I'm not even sure who my real friends are..
There are underlying causes for your issues that a therapist will do a much better job than most people in terms of analysing, evaluating, and thereafter providing treatment. You will eventually open up after a few meetings, possibly the first one.
Truth_seeker
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8/14/2014 6:50:20 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 6:46:53 PM, Mirza wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:30:45 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
I don't feel comfortable doing one on one and i'm not sure who i can trust. I'm not even sure who my real friends are..
There are underlying causes for your issues that a therapist will do a much better job than most people in terms of analysing, evaluating, and thereafter providing treatment. You will eventually open up after a few meetings, possibly the first one.

I tried that route, it won't work. I'll just become another lab rat locked inside God knows where. I just don't trust them.
Mirza
Posts: 16,992
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8/14/2014 6:52:00 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 6:50:20 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:46:53 PM, Mirza wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:30:45 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
I don't feel comfortable doing one on one and i'm not sure who i can trust. I'm not even sure who my real friends are..
There are underlying causes for your issues that a therapist will do a much better job than most people in terms of analysing, evaluating, and thereafter providing treatment. You will eventually open up after a few meetings, possibly the first one.

I tried that route, it won't work. I'll just become another lab rat locked inside God knows where. I just don't trust them.
Did you go to a practising doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist?
Truth_seeker
Posts: 1,811
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8/14/2014 6:55:11 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 6:52:00 PM, Mirza wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:50:20 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:46:53 PM, Mirza wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:30:45 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
I don't feel comfortable doing one on one and i'm not sure who i can trust. I'm not even sure who my real friends are..
There are underlying causes for your issues that a therapist will do a much better job than most people in terms of analysing, evaluating, and thereafter providing treatment. You will eventually open up after a few meetings, possibly the first one.

I tried that route, it won't work. I'll just become another lab rat locked inside God knows where. I just don't trust them.
Did you go to a practising doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist?

all, the psychologist just referred me to a psychiatrist back when i was like 15.
Mirza
Posts: 16,992
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8/14/2014 7:24:31 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 6:55:11 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
all, the psychologist just referred me to a psychiatrist back when i was like 15.
As you go through life, you will find your strengths and weaknesses, and build upon either of those depending on the path you choose to walk along in life. I don't know you enough to judge you as a person, or evaluate anything from your life. Nonetheless, you seem to be rational enough to realize that you need help. The help must start from yourself. Find the things in life that motivate you, and make use of your talent. Perhaps it is a sport, or video game, or any sort of hobby like debating. If you can devote time and space for something of this nature, pursue it. If you are ambitious and motivated, you will likely function better and find more meaning in your life. I must emphasize: the support you can receive from people to whom you are barely known is insufficient. There are support groups on forums created for people of more troubled lives, and you might be able to find help there.
Truth_seeker
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8/14/2014 7:30:36 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 7:24:31 PM, Mirza wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:55:11 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
all, the psychologist just referred me to a psychiatrist back when i was like 15.
As you go through life, you will find your strengths and weaknesses, and build upon either of those depending on the path you choose to walk along in life. I don't know you enough to judge you as a person, or evaluate anything from your life. Nonetheless, you seem to be rational enough to realize that you need help. The help must start from yourself. Find the things in life that motivate you, and make use of your talent. Perhaps it is a sport, or video game, or any sort of hobby like debating. If you can devote time and space for something of this nature, pursue it. If you are ambitious and motivated, you will likely function better and find more meaning in your life. I must emphasize: the support you can receive from people to whom you are barely known is insufficient. There are support groups on forums created for people of more troubled lives, and you might be able to find help there.

I try, but it feels like it's all medication...i now debate and write lyrics not out of passion anymore, but out of frustration and anger with life, i just feel no one understands me..whenever i try to devote myself to a hobby, no one seems to relate or wants to understand...
Skikx
Posts: 132
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8/14/2014 7:49:12 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
Been catching on me. After the suicide of a friend, that changed my life. I been bearing too much on myself, the guilt, the pain, shame, and an endless cycle of apathy.

Guilt and shame for what? I don't know you, but maybe you're blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault.

I know I am stronger than this, but it's too much. I live with the damage i caused to friends and family, am I cursed?

No, you're not cursed. And again, is it really you're fault, is it really you who caused all that damage? And if so, why? If you didn't do it intentionally, or if you just being you caused any problems, you shouldn't feel so guilty about it.
If you had good intentions, you can not judge yourself based on what you know now, but only on what you knew when you did what you did.
And neither are you guilty for being who you are, for your nature.

Am I even human?
Yes you are. Just because you feel/ are different than the people around you, it doesn't mean you're less human.

, i wake up feeling like hell, and think of my future. It is depressing when I need to pray for forgiveness every time a traumatic event comes up.

Then don't do it. If it makes you even more depressed, just don't do it.

I fought hard to understand the purpose of my lost friend's life.. How can I when I can't even understand my own?

Why bother? Just try to enjoy your life, do things that you like. You do not need to find a higher purpose and you most likely won't. Not until you really live your life.

I have family troubles and sometimes, I wonder if the only way I'll learn to see the value of a family is if I experience them passing away.. I can't go through that. I cannot bear any more burdens.

You say you couldn't bear experiencing you're family members die. That alone shows that you care about them, that you value them.
However, if you expect to wake up every day being happy and grateful about seeing your family, as if they just returned from being kidnapped a decade ago, that is just unreasonable. It goes against human nature to be so exited about things we experience every day.

Even now, I feel my friend is in a better place.. And somehow, I have the desire to join him. I'm looking for help, not from doctors because they don't understand, I just want support..

If you really are that uncomfortable going to a psychologist/ psychiatrist, there are forums for people with emotional and mental problems. There you can speak to people who went trough similar experiences. Often there also some psychologist around who offer support, without dragging you into a therapy.

However, there are a few things that are crucial.
You need to be willing to work this out. Nobody will be able to help you if you aren't committed to change things. And nobody can do the deed for you. All they can do is offer support and advice, and only if you accept it.
Secondly, for people to understand you, you have to be clear and honest about yourself and your situation.
I do not ask you to tell everybody every detail of you life, but when you find someone you're willing to talk to, be serious about it.

Additionally, if possible, find someone whom you trust, but who is not related to the issue. Someone who has an outside perspective. You say you have problems with your family, so a friend who has no connections to your family might be a good start.
You also seem at least somewhat religious to me. So maybe someone who doesn't follow you're religion would also be a good option.
I am not saying you're religion is bad or that you should give it up, however, it can be very useful to see matters from a different perspective.
Truth_seeker
Posts: 1,811
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8/14/2014 8:00:19 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 7:49:12 PM, Skikx wrote:
At 8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
Been catching on me. After the suicide of a friend, that changed my life. I been bearing too much on myself, the guilt, the pain, shame, and an endless cycle of apathy.

Guilt and shame for what? I don't know you, but maybe you're blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault.

I know I am stronger than this, but it's too much. I live with the damage i caused to friends and family, am I cursed?

No, you're not cursed. And again, is it really you're fault, is it really you who caused all that damage? And if so, why? If you didn't do it intentionally, or if you just being you caused any problems, you shouldn't feel so guilty about it.
If you had good intentions, you can not judge yourself based on what you know now, but only on what you knew when you did what you did.
And neither are you guilty for being who you are, for your nature.

Am I even human?
Yes you are. Just because you feel/ are different than the people around you, it doesn't mean you're less human.

, i wake up feeling like hell, and think of my future. It is depressing when I need to pray for forgiveness every time a traumatic event comes up.

Then don't do it. If it makes you even more depressed, just don't do it.

I fought hard to understand the purpose of my lost friend's life.. How can I when I can't even understand my own?

Why bother? Just try to enjoy your life, do things that you like. You do not need to find a higher purpose and you most likely won't. Not until you really live your life.

I have family troubles and sometimes, I wonder if the only way I'll learn to see the value of a family is if I experience them passing away.. I can't go through that. I cannot bear any more burdens.

You say you couldn't bear experiencing you're family members die. That alone shows that you care about them, that you value them.
However, if you expect to wake up every day being happy and grateful about seeing your family, as if they just returned from being kidnapped a decade ago, that is just unreasonable. It goes against human nature to be so exited about things we experience every day.

Even now, I feel my friend is in a better place.. And somehow, I have the desire to join him. I'm looking for help, not from doctors because they don't understand, I just want support..

If you really are that uncomfortable going to a psychologist/ psychiatrist, there are forums for people with emotional and mental problems. There you can speak to people who went trough similar experiences. Often there also some psychologist around who offer support, without dragging you into a therapy.

However, there are a few things that are crucial.
You need to be willing to work this out. Nobody will be able to help you if you aren't committed to change things. And nobody can do the deed for you. All they can do is offer support and advice, and only if you accept it.
Secondly, for people to understand you, you have to be clear and honest about yourself and your situation.
I do not ask you to tell everybody every detail of you life, but when you find someone you're willing to talk to, be serious about it.

Additionally, if possible, find someone whom you trust, but who is not related to the issue. Someone who has an outside perspective. You say you have problems with your family, so a friend who has no connections to your family might be a good start.
You also seem at least somewhat religious to me. So maybe someone who doesn't follow you're religion would also be a good option.
I am not saying you're religion is bad or that you should give it up, however, it can be very useful to see matters from a different perspective.

I intentionally caused others pain with my words and actions...i feel it's my fault..i had malevolent intent, should i allow such a nature to even exist? I don't want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm not sure what to feel anymore, whether to progress or just end it all..i do care about family, but i struggle to show it, i have never told my mother that i loved her for years..because i am afraid of admitting weakness....
Ore_Ele
Posts: 25,980
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8/14/2014 8:05:07 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 6:30:45 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:25:19 PM, Mirza wrote:
Seek professional help. Why will doctors not understand as opposed to people online who hardly know you? Unless you have close ties with someone here, getting proper support is highly unlikely. If you are indeed honest about your feelings, then seek help, try to ask for advice from a close friend or relative.

I don't feel comfortable doing one on one and i'm not sure who i can trust. I'm not even sure who my real friends are..

Strangers on the internet that already called you out in your thread earlier today about your friend are probably not in this category.
"Wanting Red Rhino Pill to have gender"
Truth_seeker
Posts: 1,811
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8/14/2014 8:07:25 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 8:05:07 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:30:45 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:25:19 PM, Mirza wrote:
Seek professional help. Why will doctors not understand as opposed to people online who hardly know you? Unless you have close ties with someone here, getting proper support is highly unlikely. If you are indeed honest about your feelings, then seek help, try to ask for advice from a close friend or relative.

I don't feel comfortable doing one on one and i'm not sure who i can trust. I'm not even sure who my real friends are..

Strangers on the internet that already called you out in your thread earlier today about your friend are probably not in this category.

No they aren't..
Ore_Ele
Posts: 25,980
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8/14/2014 8:10:34 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 8:07:25 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 8:05:07 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:30:45 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:25:19 PM, Mirza wrote:
Seek professional help. Why will doctors not understand as opposed to people online who hardly know you? Unless you have close ties with someone here, getting proper support is highly unlikely. If you are indeed honest about your feelings, then seek help, try to ask for advice from a close friend or relative.

I don't feel comfortable doing one on one and i'm not sure who i can trust. I'm not even sure who my real friends are..

Strangers on the internet that already called you out in your thread earlier today about your friend are probably not in this category.

No they aren't..

Go watch some MLP.

http://i788.photobucket.com...
"Wanting Red Rhino Pill to have gender"
Truth_seeker
Posts: 1,811
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8/14/2014 8:21:02 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 8:10:34 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
At 8/14/2014 8:07:25 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 8:05:07 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:30:45 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 6:25:19 PM, Mirza wrote:
Seek professional help. Why will doctors not understand as opposed to people online who hardly know you? Unless you have close ties with someone here, getting proper support is highly unlikely. If you are indeed honest about your feelings, then seek help, try to ask for advice from a close friend or relative.

I don't feel comfortable doing one on one and i'm not sure who i can trust. I'm not even sure who my real friends are..

Strangers on the internet that already called you out in your thread earlier today about your friend are probably not in this category.

No they aren't..

Go watch some MLP.

http://i788.photobucket.com...

I'll try..
Skikx
Posts: 132
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8/14/2014 8:30:25 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 8:00:19 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 7:49:12 PM, Skikx wrote:
At 8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
Been catching on me. After the suicide of a friend, that changed my life. I been bearing too much on myself, the guilt, the pain, shame, and an endless cycle of apathy.

Guilt and shame for what? I don't know you, but maybe you're blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault.

I know I am stronger than this, but it's too much. I live with the damage i caused to friends and family, am I cursed?

No, you're not cursed. And again, is it really you're fault, is it really you who caused all that damage? And if so, why? If you didn't do it intentionally, or if you just being you caused any problems, you shouldn't feel so guilty about it.
If you had good intentions, you can not judge yourself based on what you know now, but only on what you knew when you did what you did.
And neither are you guilty for being who you are, for your nature.

Am I even human?
Yes you are. Just because you feel/ are different than the people around you, it doesn't mean you're less human.

, i wake up feeling like hell, and think of my future. It is depressing when I need to pray for forgiveness every time a traumatic event comes up.

Then don't do it. If it makes you even more depressed, just don't do it.

I fought hard to understand the purpose of my lost friend's life.. How can I when I can't even understand my own?

Why bother? Just try to enjoy your life, do things that you like. You do not need to find a higher purpose and you most likely won't. Not until you really live your life.

I have family troubles and sometimes, I wonder if the only way I'll learn to see the value of a family is if I experience them passing away.. I can't go through that. I cannot bear any more burdens.

You say you couldn't bear experiencing you're family members die. That alone shows that you care about them, that you value them.
However, if you expect to wake up every day being happy and grateful about seeing your family, as if they just returned from being kidnapped a decade ago, that is just unreasonable. It goes against human nature to be so exited about things we experience every day.

Even now, I feel my friend is in a better place.. And somehow, I have the desire to join him. I'm looking for help, not from doctors because they don't understand, I just want support..

If you really are that uncomfortable going to a psychologist/ psychiatrist, there are forums for people with emotional and mental problems. There you can speak to people who went trough similar experiences. Often there also some psychologist around who offer support, without dragging you into a therapy.

However, there are a few things that are crucial.
You need to be willing to work this out. Nobody will be able to help you if you aren't committed to change things. And nobody can do the deed for you. All they can do is offer support and advice, and only if you accept it.
Secondly, for people to understand you, you have to be clear and honest about yourself and your situation.
I do not ask you to tell everybody every detail of you life, but when you find someone you're willing to talk to, be serious about it.

Additionally, if possible, find someone whom you trust, but who is not related to the issue. Someone who has an outside perspective. You say you have problems with your family, so a friend who has no connections to your family might be a good start.
You also seem at least somewhat religious to me. So maybe someone who doesn't follow you're religion would also be a good option.
I am not saying you're religion is bad or that you should give it up, however, it can be very useful to see matters from a different perspective.

I intentionally caused others pain with my words and actions...i feel it's my fault..i had malevolent intent, should i allow such a nature to even exist? I don't want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm not sure what to feel anymore, whether to progress or just end it all..i do care about family, but i struggle to show it, i have never told my mother that i loved her for years..because i am afraid of admitting weakness....

I know how you feel about showing weakness by showing how you really feel, I've been there, too.
But the truth is, it takes a lot more strength to admit your feelings than to hide them.
That's why you haven't told you're mother that you love her. Not because it would be weak, but because you haven't mustered the strength yet.

I do not know the circumstances or the motives behind your actions. All I can say is, that we all do make mistakes. Many of us have harmed other people or used them for our own gains.
That does not mean that you are a bad person. In fact, you regret what you did, not because it didn't get you what you wanted, but because you care about those around you. So you are a good person after all, just with some flaws.
But we all have our flaws. The real challenge lies in accepting them, so we may overcome them.

So the best advice that I can give you is, that you do tell her.
Tell you're family that you love them, that you're sorry for what you did and how you feel. And then try to make up for it.
Undo the damage, as far as possible and accept that there may be some things you just can't fix.
This way, you will show real strength. Not by hiding, but by facing your fears, facing the consequences of your actions.

I'll be honest with you, it won't be easy. Getting over depression isn't a walk in the park, it isn't even a marathon.
It's more like a war of attrition.
But I am sure, once you open up to your family, they will be there for you and support you as good as they can.
YamaVonKarma
Posts: 7,570
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8/14/2014 8:37:52 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Ehh... 'can't really help with suicide. I'm more a pub and go kind of guy.
People who I've called as mafia DP1:
TUF, and YYW
Truth_seeker
Posts: 1,811
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8/14/2014 8:49:46 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 8:30:25 PM, Skikx wrote:
o : At 8/14/2014 8:00:19 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 7:49:12 PM, Skikx wrote:
At 8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
Been catching on me. After the suicide of a friend, that changed my life. I been bearing too much on myself, the guilt, the pain, shame, and an endless cycle of apathy.

Guilt and shame for what? I don't know you, but maybe you're blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault.

I know I am stronger than this, but it's too much. I live with the damage i caused to friends and family, am I cursed?

No, you're not cursed. And again, is it really you're fault, is it really you who caused all that damage? And if so, why? If you didn't do it intentionally, or if you just being you caused any problems, you shouldn't feel so guilty about it.
If you had good intentions, you can not judge yourself based on what you know now, but only on what you knew when you did what you did.
And neither are you guilty for being who you are, for your nature.

Am I even human?
Yes you are. Just because you feel/ are different than the people around you, it doesn't mean you're less human.

, i wake up feeling like hell, and think of my future. It is depressing when I need to pray for forgiveness every time a traumatic event comes up.

Then don't do it. If it makes you even more depressed, just don't do it.

I fought hard to understand the purpose of my lost friend's life.. How can I when I can't even understand my own?

Why bother? Just try to enjoy your life, do things that you like. You do not need to find a higher purpose and you most likely won't. Not until you really live your life.

I have family troubles and sometimes, I wonder if the only way I'll learn to see the value of a family is if I experience them passing away.. I can't go through that. I cannot bear any more burdens.

You say you couldn't bear experiencing you're family members die. That alone shows that you care about them, that you value them.
However, if you expect to wake up every day being happy and grateful about seeing your family, as if they just returned from being kidnapped a decade ago, that is just unreasonable. It goes against human nature to be so exited about things we experience every day.

Even now, I feel my friend is in a better place.. And somehow, I have the desire to join him. I'm looking for help, not from doctors because they don't understand, I just want support..

If you really are that uncomfortable going to a psychologist/ psychiatrist, there are forums for people with emotional and mental problems. There you can speak to people who went trough similar experiences. Often there also some psychologist around who offer support, without dragging you into a therapy.

However, there are a few things that are crucial.
You need to be willing to work this out. Nobody will be able to help you if you aren't committed to change things. And nobody can do the deed for you. All they can do is offer support and advice, and only if you accept it.
Secondly, for people to understand you, you have to be clear and honest about yourself and your situation.
I do not ask you to tell everybody every detail of you life, but when you find someone you're willing to talk to, be serious about it.

Additionally, if possible, find someone whom you trust, but who is not related to the issue. Someone who has an outside perspective. You say you have problems with your family, so a friend who has no connections to your family might be a good start.
You also seem at least somewhat religious to me. So maybe someone who doesn't follow you're religion would also be a good option.
I am not saying you're religion is bad or that you should give it up, however, it can be very useful to see matters from a different perspective.

I intentionally caused others pain with my words and actions...i feel it's my fault..i had malevolent intent, should i allow such a nature to even exist? I don't want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm not sure what to feel anymore, whether to progress or just end it all..i do care about family, but i struggle to show it, i have never told my mother that i loved her for years..because i am afraid of admitting weakness....


I know how you feel about showing weakness by showing how you really feel, I've been there, too.
But the truth is, it takes a lot more strength to admit your feelings than to hide them.
That's why you haven't told you're mother that you love her. Not because it would be weak, but because you haven't mustered the strength yet.

I do not know the circumstances or the motives behind your actions. All I can say is, that we all do make mistakes. Many of us have harmed other people or used them for our own gains.
That does not mean that you are a bad person. In fact, you regret what you did, not because it didn't get you what you wanted, but because you care about those around you. So you are a good person after all, just with some flaws.
But we all have our flaws. The real challenge lies in accepting them, so we may overcome them.

So the best advice that I can give you is, that you do tell her.
Tell you're family that you love them, that you're sorry for what you did and how you feel. And then try to make up for it.
Undo the damage, as far as possible and accept that there may be some things you just can't fix.
This way, you will show real strength. Not by hiding, but by facing your fears, facing the consequences of your actions.

I'll be honest with you, it won't be easy. Getting over depression isn't a walk in the park, it isn't even a marathon.
It's more like a war of attrition.
But I am sure, once you open up to your family, they will be there for you and support you as good as they can.

I understand... But it's very hard.. My family will be there, but I don't have many friends and recently, I isolated myself from all of them.. I just don't know who to trust anymore, I'm not sure what to do or feel, maybe I should go back to being alone because I can't take the loss of another friend..i know pain is bound to happen, that is why I feel like this..
Skikx
Posts: 132
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8/14/2014 9:32:27 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 8:49:46 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 8:30:25 PM, Skikx wrote:
o : At 8/14/2014 8:00:19 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 7:49:12 PM, Skikx wrote:
At 8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:


I understand... But it's very hard.. My family will be there, but I don't have many friends and recently, I isolated myself from all of them.. I just don't know who to trust anymore, I'm not sure what to do or feel, maybe I should go back to being alone because I can't take the loss of another friend..i know pain is bound to happen, that is why I feel like this..

Isolating yourself doesn't help, it only hurts. We're social beings. We need to be around others to feel good, to be happy. Trust me, if you isolate yourself further, all you will do is wallow in memories, misery, self-pity and what-ifs. But it won't get you anywhere.

You may have isolated yourself from them for now, but if there is at least one person, you would call a real friend, you can always reestablish contact. Just give your best friend a call or send him/ her a message.
You probably think they don't want to talk to you or are simply not interested. But if you're honest, you know that that's more of an excuse of yours not to call them, than an actual fact.

You're right, though. Pain is bound to happen. It is a part of life. And honestly, only trough pain and misery do we really learn to enjoy the good things of life, instead of just taking them for granted.
Just imagine were you could be in a month or a year, if you just take this on. And then use this idea as a motivation.
If you hole yourself up, on the other hand, you deprive yourself of all the things that make you happy, leaving you with nothing but pain.
So yes, there will be pain. But it is on you to make sure the joy in your life outweighs the misery.

That's about all the advice I can offer you now. I am not going to ask you, but if you feel like talking about this in more detail, feel free to send me a PM and I'll see if I got a little more wisdom to share. Not today, though, as I need to get some sleep.

Either way, I hope I helped you at least a little bit.

P.S. Just smile for a few seconds, it will make you happier, even if you just fake it. In the same way, walking in a more upright position, instead of letting your shoulders hang down, will make you feel more confident. Frankly, I don't have any links share, but you should read up on this. Such tricks can really make difference some times.
SamStevens
Posts: 3,819
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8/14/2014 9:52:13 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
Been catching on me. After the suicide of a friend, that changed my life. I been bearing too much on myself, the guilt, the pain, shame, and an endless cycle of apathy. I know I am stronger than this, but it's too much. I live with the damage i caused to friends and family, am I cursed? Am I even human?, i wake up feeling like hell, and think of my future. It is depressing when I need to pray for forgiveness every time a traumatic event comes up. I fought hard to understand the purpose of my lost friend's life.. How can I when I can't even understand my own? I have family troubles and sometimes, I wonder if the only way I'll learn to see the value of a family is if I experience them passing away.. I can't go through that. I cannot bear any more burdens. Even now, I feel my friend is in a better place.. And somehow, I have the desire to join him. I'm looking for help, not from doctors because they don't understand, I just want support..

Man, do not kill your self. You only live once. If you do die, your family has to pick up the pieces, and they are left with a loss of a family member. A psychologist is suggested.
"This is the true horror of religion. It allows perfectly decent and sane people to believe by the billions, what only lunatics could believe on their own." Sam Harris
Life asked Death "Why do people love me but hate you?"
Death responded: "Because you are a beautiful lie, and I am the painful truth."
Truth_seeker
Posts: 1,811
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8/14/2014 9:55:59 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 9:52:13 PM, SamStevens wrote:
At 8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
Been catching on me. After the suicide of a friend, that changed my life. I been bearing too much on myself, the guilt, the pain, shame, and an endless cycle of apathy. I know I am stronger than this, but it's too much. I live with the damage i caused to friends and family, am I cursed? Am I even human?, i wake up feeling like hell, and think of my future. It is depressing when I need to pray for forgiveness every time a traumatic event comes up. I fought hard to understand the purpose of my lost friend's life.. How can I when I can't even understand my own? I have family troubles and sometimes, I wonder if the only way I'll learn to see the value of a family is if I experience them passing away.. I can't go through that. I cannot bear any more burdens. Even now, I feel my friend is in a better place.. And somehow, I have the desire to join him. I'm looking for help, not from doctors because they don't understand, I just want support..

Man, do not kill your self. You only live once. If you do die, your family has to pick up the pieces, and they are left with a loss of a family member. A psychologist is suggested.

I know, it's hard to die, but it's also hard to live as well
Juan_Pablo
Posts: 2,052
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8/14/2014 9:59:27 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
" But the truth is, it takes a lot more strength to admit your feelings than to hide them."

I totally agree. Real strength is in admitting how you feel and letting yourself deal with your issues in a way that will reduce the misery and anger around you and in others. Also, I understand your resistance to telling your mother that you love her. Here in America, "manliness" is associated with being cold and unemotional, and not letting those close to you realize how much you care about them. It's perceived as a "vulnerability". What a bunch of garbage! Humans are social animals and we require strong emotional bonds to keep ourselves mentally healthy. Murderers go out of their way to kill people because they don't care how others feels. The rest of (who don't kill) do care at least a little about others, including strangers. That's a very important distinction. Caring about others and showing it is perfectly healthy and necessary for optimal mental health.

You don't have to hug everyone you meet, but you should try to be kind to everyone you encounter. There's nothing wrong with that and it's certainly not a weakness.

Many American males suffer from the philosophy that showing admiration or even compassion for others is a weakness. Well, there's a reason why mass shootings are on an upswing here in America.
Truth_seeker
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8/14/2014 10:27:22 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 9:59:27 PM, Juan_Pablo wrote:
" But the truth is, it takes a lot more strength to admit your feelings than to hide them."

I totally agree. Real strength is in admitting how you feel and letting yourself deal with your issues in a way that will reduce the misery and anger around you and in others. Also, I understand your resistance to telling your mother that you love her. Here in America, "manliness" is associated with being cold and unemotional, and not letting those close to you realize how much you care about them. It's perceived as a "vulnerability". What a bunch of garbage! Humans are social animals and we require strong emotional bonds to keep ourselves mentally healthy. Murderers go out of their way to kill people because they don't care how others feels. The rest of (who don't kill) do care at least a little about others, including strangers. That's a very important distinction. Caring about others and showing it is perfectly healthy and necessary for optimal mental health.

You don't have to hug everyone you meet, but you should try to be kind to everyone you encounter. There's nothing wrong with that and it's certainly not a weakness.

Many American males suffer from the philosophy that showing admiration or even compassion for others is a weakness. Well, there's a reason why mass shootings are on an upswing here in America.

Well I don't do it cuz I want to be manly, I am just afraid to let someone see me break down. I am not cold nor am I heartless, though I do struggle with compassion. I'm a person, but pain has made me cold -hearted and aggressive making me feel worse about myself.. I used to be very sensitive, but that's gone.. Not sure what to do, it's so hard to admit to my family my feelings..
Juan_Pablo
Posts: 2,052
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8/14/2014 10:39:32 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 10:27:22 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 9:59:27 PM, Juan_Pablo wrote:
" But the truth is, it takes a lot more strength to admit your feelings than to hide them."

I totally agree. Real strength is in admitting how you feel and letting yourself deal with your issues in a way that will reduce the misery and anger around you and in others. Also, I understand your resistance to telling your mother that you love her. Here in America, "manliness" is associated with being cold and unemotional, and not letting those close to you realize how much you care about them. It's perceived as a "vulnerability". What a bunch of garbage! Humans are social animals and we require strong emotional bonds to keep ourselves mentally healthy. Murderers go out of their way to kill people because they don't care how others feels. The rest of (who don't kill) do care at least a little about others, including strangers. That's a very important distinction. Caring about others and showing it is perfectly healthy and necessary for optimal mental health.

You don't have to hug everyone you meet, but you should try to be kind to everyone you encounter. There's nothing wrong with that and it's certainly not a weakness.

Many American males suffer from the philosophy that showing admiration or even compassion for others is a weakness. Well, there's a reason why mass shootings are on an upswing here in America.

Well I don't do it cuz I want to be manly, I am just afraid to let someone see me break down. I am not cold nor am I heartless, though I do struggle with compassion. I'm a person, but pain has made me cold -hearted and aggressive making me feel worse about myself.. I used to be very sensitive, but that's gone.. Not sure what to do, it's so hard to admit to my family my feelings..

Truth, I'm going to offer you some advice. I'm offering it because it will benefit you. Now, I understand that you're young so I don't expect you to be able to follow this advice perfectly.

My advice is this: don't care so much whether people perceive you as weak.

That's very hard advice for a teenager or a young twenty-something to follow, because of the incredible amount of peer pressure and because your age group places so much value in what others think about you. As you get older this wears off a bit. You learn to not care as much what people personally think about you (though you will always be effected by it to some degree).

We all want to impress our friends and exhibit strength. But sometimes the best way to exhibit strength and to not let others effect you so much is by reducing the value we place in our friends' opinions. We care about our friends. But we shouldn't give them ridiculous power of us. They're opinions count, but you should never let them decide who you are and how kind you can be to others.

Be your own person and always value kindness and compassion.
LiveLime
Posts: 1
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8/14/2014 11:10:29 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
Been catching on me. After the suicide of a friend, that changed my life. I been bearing too much on myself, the guilt, the pain, shame, and an endless cycle of apathy. I know I am stronger than this, but it's too much. I live with the damage i caused to friends and family, am I cursed? Am I even human?, i wake up feeling like hell, and think of my future. It is depressing when I need to pray for forgiveness every time a traumatic event comes up. I fought hard to understand the purpose of my lost friend's life.. How can I when I can't even understand my own? I have family troubles and sometimes, I wonder if the only way I'll learn to see the value of a family is if I experience them passing away.. I can't go through that. I cannot bear any more burdens. Even now, I feel my friend is in a better place.. And somehow, I have the desire to join him. I'm looking for help, not from doctors because they don't understand, I just want support..

-
My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 3 or 4 years ago, hes been through a very depressing time in his life, its been very depressing for all of us. Considering hes my brother after all, watching him go from a vibrant, bubbly person to a depressed, emotionally destroyed human being...It is very depressing. Anywho, back to what I was saying, things are going to be hard in your life. No one has a picture perfect life whether we like it or not. Life is rough at times but you have to look through to the positive things in life. Suicide not only hurts yourself but your family aswell, and the people who care for you. And we all have to experience death of our loved ones, My grandfather passed away back in May, and to some this isn't much but it was for me. I was expecting a baby boy, I named him Gabriel. My grandfather was so excited to meet my baby, I was so happy. But my Pap was sick and I knew his time was short. I was positive that he would live to meet my child, but he didn't. I broke into a deep depression. But I realized, as you said, he is in a better place. Whether or not you believe in the lord or not I guess we can all hope. Hope the ones we love go to a beautiful place for eternity. I know all of this probably means nothing to you, it does to me though. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is to think of your loved ones, think of yourself. Your future is what you make of it, you cannot blame others for your mistakes. Push through it and make the best out of life. Good luck to you my friend, my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best in life. Think wisely.
Peace & Love,
B.
Truth_seeker
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8/15/2014 12:29:25 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 11:10:29 PM, LiveLime wrote:
At 8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
Been catching on me. After the suicide of a friend, that changed my life. I been bearing too much on myself, the guilt, the pain, shame, and an endless cycle of apathy. I know I am stronger than this, but it's too much. I live with the damage i caused to friends and family, am I cursed? Am I even human?, i wake up feeling like hell, and think of my future. It is depressing when I need to pray for forgiveness every time a traumatic event comes up. I fought hard to understand the purpose of my lost friend's life.. How can I when I can't even understand my own? I have family troubles and sometimes, I wonder if the only way I'll learn to see the value of a family is if I experience them passing away.. I can't go through that. I cannot bear any more burdens. Even now, I feel my friend is in a better place.. And somehow, I have the desire to join him. I'm looking for help, not from doctors because they don't understand, I just want support..


-
My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 3 or 4 years ago, hes been through a very depressing time in his life, its been very depressing for all of us. Considering hes my brother after all, watching him go from a vibrant, bubbly person to a depressed, emotionally destroyed human being...It is very depressing. Anywho, back to what I was saying, things are going to be hard in your life. No one has a picture perfect life whether we like it or not. Life is rough at times but you have to look through to the positive things in life. Suicide not only hurts yourself but your family aswell, and the people who care for you. And we all have to experience death of our loved ones, My grandfather passed away back in May, and to some this isn't much but it was for me. I was expecting a baby boy, I named him Gabriel. My grandfather was so excited to meet my baby, I was so happy. But my Pap was sick and I knew his time was short. I was positive that he would live to meet my child, but he didn't. I broke into a deep depression. But I realized, as you said, he is in a better place. Whether or not you believe in the lord or not I guess we can all hope. Hope the ones we love go to a beautiful place for eternity. I know all of this probably means nothing to you, it does to me though. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is to think of your loved ones, think of yourself. Your future is what you make of it, you cannot blame others for your mistakes. Push through it and make the best out of life. Good luck to you my friend, my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best in life. Think wisely.
Peace & Love,
B.

Yeah, I sure hope this is a phase..
Truth_seeker
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8/15/2014 12:43:39 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 10:39:32 PM, Juan_Pablo wrote:
At 8/14/2014 10:27:22 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
At 8/14/2014 9:59:27 PM, Juan_Pablo wrote:
" But the truth is, it takes a lot more strength to admit your feelings than to hide them."

I totally agree. Real strength is in admitting how you feel and letting yourself deal with your issues in a way that will reduce the misery and anger around you and in others. Also, I understand your resistance to telling your mother that you love her. Here in America, "manliness" is associated with being cold and unemotional, and not letting those close to you realize how much you care about them. It's perceived as a "vulnerability". What a bunch of garbage! Humans are social animals and we require strong emotional bonds to keep ourselves mentally healthy. Murderers go out of their way to kill people because they don't care how others feels. The rest of (who don't kill) do care at least a little about others, including strangers. That's a very important distinction. Caring about others and showing it is perfectly healthy and necessary for optimal mental health.

You don't have to hug everyone you meet, but you should try to be kind to everyone you encounter. There's nothing wrong with that and it's certainly not a weakness.

Many American males suffer from the philosophy that showing admiration or even compassion for others is a weakness. Well, there's a reason why mass shootings are on an upswing here in America.

Well I don't do it cuz I want to be manly, I am just afraid to let someone see me break down. I am not cold nor am I heartless, though I do struggle with compassion. I'm a person, but pain has made me cold -hearted and aggressive making me feel worse about myself.. I used to be very sensitive, but that's gone.. Not sure what to do, it's so hard to admit to my family my feelings..

Truth, I'm going to offer you some advice. I'm offering it because it will benefit you. Now, I understand that you're young so I don't expect you to be able to follow this advice perfectly.

My advice is this: don't care so much whether people perceive you as weak.

That's very hard advice for a teenager or a young twenty-something to follow, because of the incredible amount of peer pressure and because your age group places so much value in what others think about you. As you get older this wears off a bit. You learn to not care as much what people personally think about you (though you will always be effected by it to some degree).

We all want to impress our friends and exhibit strength. But sometimes the best way to exhibit strength and to not let others effect you so much is by reducing the value we place in our friends' opinions. We care about our friends. But we shouldn't give them ridiculous power of us. They're opinions count, but you should never let them decide who you are and how kind you can be to others.

Be your own person and always value kindness and compassion.

I been through this plenty of times before, some times are worse than others, so I hope I can make it...
shaddamcorrinoIV
Posts: 106
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8/15/2014 7:04:19 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/14/2014 4:33:32 PM, Truth_seeker wrote:
Been catching on me. After the suicide of a friend, that changed my life. I been bearing too much on myself, the guilt, the pain, shame, and an endless cycle of apathy. I know I am stronger than this, but it's too much. I live with the damage i caused to friends and family, am I cursed? Am I even human?, i wake up feeling like hell, and think of my future. It is depressing when I need to pray for forgiveness every time a traumatic event comes up. I fought hard to understand the purpose of my lost friend's life.. How can I when I can't even understand my own? I have family troubles and sometimes, I wonder if the only way I'll learn to see the value of a family is if I experience them passing away.. I can't go through that. I cannot bear any more burdens. Even now, I feel my friend is in a better place.. And somehow, I have the desire to join him. I'm looking for help, not from doctors because they don't understand, I just want support..

When I was in the Coast Guard I had to take suicide prevention, during the training I watched a video of a person who attempted suicide: " Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems." Please, I strongly urge you to contact the following:

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis.
(800) 273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
(800) 799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889), text telephone for hearing impaired
(800) 273-TALK (press 1 for military veterans suicide hotline)
(800) 273-TALK (press 2 for suicide hotline in Spanish)
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
ESocialBookworm
Posts: 14,364
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8/16/2014 12:31:17 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Do you have a family?

Are you going to selfishly take your life and leave them behind? What happens to them after? They become broken and have to figure out why YOU felt like YOU needed to leave THEM. They'll feel like they failed YOU.

Do you believe in God? I may be wrong but is it not a sin to kill yourself in your religion?

Look at this video: https://www.youtube.com...

What happens to the family after? What happens to the mother of the boy who kills herself? She'll feel like she failed because she couldn't stop him? What happens to his friend who got the note? He's going to wonder for the rest of his life whether or not if he got home sooner if he could have stopped his friend.
THEY WILL BOTH BLAME THEMSELVES!

How is it are you helping yourself by committing suicide?
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.