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Persistent co-worker - help?

ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
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8/16/2014 9:17:15 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.

Get a trusted male friend or relative (Dad, brother, uncle, etc) to come tell him to knock it off or else. Do what it takes. You might want to notify your boss. Also, you could try to ask a female coworker to stay around you at all times so you are never alone with him.
Praying for you!
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
Illegalcombatant
Posts: 4,008
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8/17/2014 7:10:19 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
"I was born a male".......
"Seems like another attempt to insert God into areas our knowledge has yet to penetrate. You figure God would be bigger than the gaps of our ignorance." Drafterman 19/5/12
Wylted
Posts: 21,167
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8/17/2014 8:34:50 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
Some people are idiots like that. If somebody is incapable of picking up on obvious social cues they're going to be sociopaths a large amount of the time. Sociopathy affects up to 4% of the population, so it's not that unusual.

You deal with these sub-humans by being direct, because they lack empathy and are incapable of recognizing the social cues we humans give off. Unfortunately this is a case where you're just going to have to be direct and probably a little mean with this guy. If he doesn't get the hint than turn him in for sexual harassment.

I know you're probably the type who likes working with subtleties, but this isn't a situation where that will pay off for you.
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
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8/17/2014 8:47:12 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:

You need to be direct.

He isn't getting the hint, but you are being unclear.
You say you are too hurried to give a phone number.
You say you are busy for a date.
You say "I'd rather" be alone.

Yes, he should have realized by now that you aren't into him, but he could be thinking he is your friend, since you smile, are nice, and he basically just has bad timing.

Be direct and say I don't want to go out with you, that you'd rather he didn't come down your aisle, and not to sit by you.
If you cannot do this, have your manager do it, but I'd be clear with him that you are not reporting harassment, but he's not taking the hint and it is bothering you, so if it continues, it will be harassment.

Sorry, and good luck.
My work here is, finally, done.
ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/17/2014 6:59:41 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 8:34:50 AM, Wylted wrote:
Some people are idiots like that. If somebody is incapable of picking up on obvious social cues they're going to be sociopaths a large amount of the time. Sociopathy affects up to 4% of the population, so it's not that unusual.

You deal with these sub-humans by being direct, because they lack empathy and are incapable of recognizing the social cues we humans give off. Unfortunately this is a case where you're just going to have to be direct and probably a little mean with this guy. If he doesn't get the hint than turn him in for sexual harassment.

I know you're probably the type who likes working with subtleties, but this isn't a situation where that will pay off for you.

I get the feeling he's not a sociopath because he seems empathetic (well, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt), but I'll try to work the nerve up to say I'm not interested and see what happens.

Thanks!
ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/17/2014 7:00:27 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 8:47:12 AM, Khaos_Mage wrote:
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:

You need to be direct.

He isn't getting the hint, but you are being unclear.
You say you are too hurried to give a phone number.
You say you are busy for a date.
You say "I'd rather" be alone.

Yes, he should have realized by now that you aren't into him, but he could be thinking he is your friend, since you smile, are nice, and he basically just has bad timing.

Be direct and say I don't want to go out with you, that you'd rather he didn't come down your aisle, and not to sit by you.
If you cannot do this, have your manager do it, but I'd be clear with him that you are not reporting harassment, but he's not taking the hint and it is bothering you, so if it continues, it will be harassment.

Sorry, and good luck.

I will try to be direct. Hopefully I don't just whimp out last second XD

Anyway, thanks!
Illegalcombatant
Posts: 4,008
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8/17/2014 7:00:33 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 6:58:53 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:10:19 AM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
"I was born a male".......

Huh?

Maybe telling him you were born a male would make him reconsider.
"Seems like another attempt to insert God into areas our knowledge has yet to penetrate. You figure God would be bigger than the gaps of our ignorance." Drafterman 19/5/12
ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/17/2014 7:06:18 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 7:00:33 PM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
At 8/17/2014 6:58:53 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:10:19 AM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
"I was born a male".......

Huh?

Maybe telling him you were born a male would make him reconsider.

I don't have anything against transgender people, but I would never use that XD I'm a proud born female and I don't want people to think otherwise :P
ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/17/2014 7:08:00 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/16/2014 9:17:15 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.

Get a trusted male friend or relative (Dad, brother, uncle, etc) to come tell him to knock it off or else. Do what it takes. You might want to notify your boss. Also, you could try to ask a female coworker to stay around you at all times so you are never alone with him.
Praying for you!

I'm going to try and tell him directly. Thanks for the suggestions though =)
Illegalcombatant
Posts: 4,008
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8/17/2014 7:09:29 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 7:06:18 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:00:33 PM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
At 8/17/2014 6:58:53 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:10:19 AM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
"I was born a male".......

Huh?

Maybe telling him you were born a male would make him reconsider.

I don't have anything against transgender people, but I would never use that XD I'm a proud born female and I don't want people to think otherwise :P

Okey how about.......

I am a born again christian evangelical who will never ever ever have sex or do any kind of sexual activity until marriage as It is the Lords will. Say would you like to hear about how Jesus is your lord and savior. (At this point you bring out your huge bible)

I think that outta do it.
"Seems like another attempt to insert God into areas our knowledge has yet to penetrate. You figure God would be bigger than the gaps of our ignorance." Drafterman 19/5/12
ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/17/2014 7:12:48 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 7:09:29 PM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:06:18 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:00:33 PM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
At 8/17/2014 6:58:53 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:10:19 AM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
"I was born a male".......

Huh?

Maybe telling him you were born a male would make him reconsider.

I don't have anything against transgender people, but I would never use that XD I'm a proud born female and I don't want people to think otherwise :P

Okey how about.......

I am a born again christian evangelical who will never ever ever have sex or do any kind of sexual activity until marriage as It is the Lords will. Say would you like to hear about how Jesus is your lord and savior. (At this point you bring out your huge bible)

I think that outta do it.

LOL. That would do it. I don't have guts for that, but thanks for the laugh XD
Illegalcombatant
Posts: 4,008
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8/17/2014 7:18:11 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 7:12:48 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:09:29 PM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:06:18 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:00:33 PM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
At 8/17/2014 6:58:53 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:10:19 AM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
"I was born a male".......

Huh?

Maybe telling him you were born a male would make him reconsider.

I don't have anything against transgender people, but I would never use that XD I'm a proud born female and I don't want people to think otherwise :P

Okey how about.......

I am a born again christian evangelical who will never ever ever have sex or do any kind of sexual activity until marriage as It is the Lords will. Say would you like to hear about how Jesus is your lord and savior. (At this point you bring out your huge bible)

I think that outta do it.

LOL. That would do it. I don't have guts for that, but thanks for the laugh XD

Religion has being used to justify the killing, torturing and oppressing by your fellow human beings.

I don't see what the big deal is using religion to get rid of unwanted male attention.
"Seems like another attempt to insert God into areas our knowledge has yet to penetrate. You figure God would be bigger than the gaps of our ignorance." Drafterman 19/5/12
ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/17/2014 7:35:03 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 7:18:11 PM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:12:48 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:09:29 PM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:06:18 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:00:33 PM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
At 8/17/2014 6:58:53 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:10:19 AM, Illegalcombatant wrote:
"I was born a male".......

Huh?

Maybe telling him you were born a male would make him reconsider.

I don't have anything against transgender people, but I would never use that XD I'm a proud born female and I don't want people to think otherwise :P

Okey how about.......

I am a born again christian evangelical who will never ever ever have sex or do any kind of sexual activity until marriage as It is the Lords will. Say would you like to hear about how Jesus is your lord and savior. (At this point you bring out your huge bible)

I think that outta do it.

LOL. That would do it. I don't have guts for that, but thanks for the laugh XD

Religion has being used to justify the killing, torturing and oppressing by your fellow human beings.

I don't see what the big deal is using religion to get rid of unwanted male attention.

Unfortunately, some people want to justify anything and everything with religion. Letting kids die of easily treatable illnesses, boycotting funerals of people who committed suicide (I think a news headline mentioned that a religious group is after Robin Williams' funeral. That's shameful...), etc.
Ore_Ele
Posts: 25,980
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8/17/2014 7:43:41 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
You need to flat out tell him that you are not interested. If it continues after that, you speak to your boss and/or HR because that getting on harassment.

I have a co-worker that has resorted to using a fake wedding ring to get customer's to stop hitting on her.
"Wanting Red Rhino Pill to have gender"
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
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8/17/2014 11:18:34 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 7:08:00 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/16/2014 9:17:15 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.

Get a trusted male friend or relative (Dad, brother, uncle, etc) to come tell him to knock it off or else. Do what it takes. You might want to notify your boss. Also, you could try to ask a female coworker to stay around you at all times so you are never alone with him.
Praying for you!

I'm going to try and tell him directly. Thanks for the suggestions though =)

You are welcome!
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/18/2014 10:56:30 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 7:43:41 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
You need to flat out tell him that you are not interested. If it continues after that, you speak to your boss and/or HR because that getting on harassment.

I have a co-worker that has resorted to using a fake wedding ring to get customer's to stop hitting on her.

Oh wow! That's crazy. Fortunately, I don't have a problem with customers XD
Cooldudebro
Posts: 383
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8/18/2014 11:15:20 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.

Honestly, you are in the wrong here. Big time. He has been waiting 10 months, 10 MONTHS, for you. Now, the way I see it, you have two options. Be a woman and tell him you're not interested, or actually go out with him.
ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/18/2014 11:42:15 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/18/2014 11:15:20 AM, Cooldudebro wrote:
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.

Honestly, you are in the wrong here. Big time. He has been waiting 10 months, 10 MONTHS, for you. Now, the way I see it, you have two options. Be a woman and tell him you're not interested, or actually go out with him.

When I make up excuses as to why I can't go out somewhere, he says "Okay. Sorry to bother you." Why would he say this if he didn't think I was rejecting him? He knows; he just thinks he can change my mind because I'm nice. That's manipulative. What he is doing is wrong. Furthermore, I'm not obligated to be direct or do anything for him. If he wants to go out, maybe he should be direct himself, instead of wincing around stuff that sounds like "I just want to hang out."

I get what you're saying, but I am by no means leading him on to think I'm really interested in him. Sitting alone in the back of the room, never initiating conversations, and shutting yourself out to people is a pretty strong, "I'm not interested" message (yay, life of the social phobic! :P) Anyway, I'm gonna try to be direct when I see him again.
Cooldudebro
Posts: 383
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8/18/2014 11:44:00 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/18/2014 11:42:15 AM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/18/2014 11:15:20 AM, Cooldudebro wrote:
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.

Honestly, you are in the wrong here. Big time. He has been waiting 10 months, 10 MONTHS, for you. Now, the way I see it, you have two options. Be a woman and tell him you're not interested, or actually go out with him.

When I make up excuses as to why I can't go out somewhere, he says "Okay. Sorry to bother you." Why would he say this if he didn't think I was rejecting him? He knows; he just thinks he can change my mind because I'm nice. That's manipulative. What he is doing is wrong. Furthermore, I'm not obligated to be direct or do anything for him. If he wants to go out, maybe he should be direct himself, instead of wincing around stuff that sounds like "I just want to hang out."

I get what you're saying, but I am by no means leading him on to think I'm really interested in him. Sitting alone in the back of the room, never initiating conversations, and shutting yourself out to people is a pretty strong, "I'm not interested" message (yay, life of the social phobic! :P) Anyway, I'm gonna try to be direct when I see him again.

Cool! Good luck!
ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/18/2014 11:46:38 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/18/2014 11:44:00 AM, Cooldudebro wrote:
At 8/18/2014 11:42:15 AM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/18/2014 11:15:20 AM, Cooldudebro wrote:
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.

Honestly, you are in the wrong here. Big time. He has been waiting 10 months, 10 MONTHS, for you. Now, the way I see it, you have two options. Be a woman and tell him you're not interested, or actually go out with him.

When I make up excuses as to why I can't go out somewhere, he says "Okay. Sorry to bother you." Why would he say this if he didn't think I was rejecting him? He knows; he just thinks he can change my mind because I'm nice. That's manipulative. What he is doing is wrong. Furthermore, I'm not obligated to be direct or do anything for him. If he wants to go out, maybe he should be direct himself, instead of wincing around stuff that sounds like "I just want to hang out."

I get what you're saying, but I am by no means leading him on to think I'm really interested in him. Sitting alone in the back of the room, never initiating conversations, and shutting yourself out to people is a pretty strong, "I'm not interested" message (yay, life of the social phobic! :P) Anyway, I'm gonna try to be direct when I see him again.

Cool! Good luck!

Thanks! I just hope he doesn't react badly :P
Cooldudebro
Posts: 383
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8/18/2014 11:49:18 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/18/2014 11:46:38 AM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/18/2014 11:44:00 AM, Cooldudebro wrote:
At 8/18/2014 11:42:15 AM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/18/2014 11:15:20 AM, Cooldudebro wrote:
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.

Honestly, you are in the wrong here. Big time. He has been waiting 10 months, 10 MONTHS, for you. Now, the way I see it, you have two options. Be a woman and tell him you're not interested, or actually go out with him.

When I make up excuses as to why I can't go out somewhere, he says "Okay. Sorry to bother you." Why would he say this if he didn't think I was rejecting him? He knows; he just thinks he can change my mind because I'm nice. That's manipulative. What he is doing is wrong. Furthermore, I'm not obligated to be direct or do anything for him. If he wants to go out, maybe he should be direct himself, instead of wincing around stuff that sounds like "I just want to hang out."

I get what you're saying, but I am by no means leading him on to think I'm really interested in him. Sitting alone in the back of the room, never initiating conversations, and shutting yourself out to people is a pretty strong, "I'm not interested" message (yay, life of the social phobic! :P) Anyway, I'm gonna try to be direct when I see him again.

Cool! Good luck!

Thanks! I just hope he doesn't react badly :P

Tell me the worst case scenario, and I'll tell you if it's realistic or not.
ThoughtsandThoughts
Posts: 178
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8/18/2014 11:55:48 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/18/2014 11:49:18 AM, Cooldudebro wrote:
At 8/18/2014 11:46:38 AM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/18/2014 11:44:00 AM, Cooldudebro wrote:
At 8/18/2014 11:42:15 AM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/18/2014 11:15:20 AM, Cooldudebro wrote:
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.

Honestly, you are in the wrong here. Big time. He has been waiting 10 months, 10 MONTHS, for you. Now, the way I see it, you have two options. Be a woman and tell him you're not interested, or actually go out with him.

When I make up excuses as to why I can't go out somewhere, he says "Okay. Sorry to bother you." Why would he say this if he didn't think I was rejecting him? He knows; he just thinks he can change my mind because I'm nice. That's manipulative. What he is doing is wrong. Furthermore, I'm not obligated to be direct or do anything for him. If he wants to go out, maybe he should be direct himself, instead of wincing around stuff that sounds like "I just want to hang out."

I get what you're saying, but I am by no means leading him on to think I'm really interested in him. Sitting alone in the back of the room, never initiating conversations, and shutting yourself out to people is a pretty strong, "I'm not interested" message (yay, life of the social phobic! :P) Anyway, I'm gonna try to be direct when I see him again.

Cool! Good luck!

Thanks! I just hope he doesn't react badly :P

Tell me the worst case scenario, and I'll tell you if it's realistic or not.

To the person with social anxiety, it's every scenario other than something like, "Oh, okay! That's cool, I appreciate how you feel. Let's just be friends." XDDD It's not so much what the response will be as it is that if it's slightly negative, I'll start shaking and getting dizzy, overwhelmed, etc. I can handle the response itself, but I'm more afraid of my physical reaction (especially around crowds). It's something I'm working on.
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
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8/18/2014 12:39:19 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 7:43:41 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
You need to flat out tell him that you are not interested. If it continues after that, you speak to your boss and/or HR because that getting on harassment.

I have a co-worker that has resorted to using a fake wedding ring to get customer's to stop hitting on her.

I'm surprised that works, actually.
Where do you work? Office, retail? Professional?
In restaurants, it doesn't work. Hell, even kids being present doesn't work....of course, they are usually drunk while hitting on them.
My work here is, finally, done.
Wylted
Posts: 21,167
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8/18/2014 2:00:12 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/17/2014 6:59:41 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
At 8/17/2014 8:34:50 AM, Wylted wrote:
Some people are idiots like that. If somebody is incapable of picking up on obvious social cues they're going to be sociopaths a large amount of the time. Sociopathy affects up to 4% of the population, so it's not that unusual.

You deal with these sub-humans by being direct, because they lack empathy and are incapable of recognizing the social cues we humans give off. Unfortunately this is a case where you're just going to have to be direct and probably a little mean with this guy. If he doesn't get the hint than turn him in for sexual harassment.

I know you're probably the type who likes working with subtleties, but this isn't a situation where that will pay off for you.

I get the feeling he's not a sociopath because he seems empathetic (well, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt), but I'll try to work the nerve up to say I'm not interested and see what happens.

Thanks!

They can fake it a little. The fact he's not picking up on your obvious social cues is pretty telling, but I'll take your word for it.
Truth_seeker
Posts: 1,811
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8/18/2014 2:23:51 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/16/2014 7:32:58 PM, ThoughtsandThoughts wrote:
There's a guy at work who keeps indirectly asking me out and we've chatted some, but I'm just not interested in him.

He keeps asking me out (for coffee, the fair, the mall, the beach - all of these things) and he keeps showing up in my cashier lane. I keep making excuses for why I can't go, but he's not getting the hint. I also pretend not to see him if I'm leaving the store. He's asked for my phone number a handful of times, but I keep acting like I'm too in a hurry to write it down. That's not working either. If we're on break at the same time, he'll come sit by me and start talking. This is getting to be a major stressor; I have social anxiety and I prefer my alone time to recuperate from working with so many people. Instead, I'm panicking about sitting near someone.

Today, he came up to me in the break room and asked if he could sit with me, but I said, "I just need a little personal space on my breaks." So he went to another table for about two minutes and then came back to sit with me for the rest of my break. (??!) I had purposely walked past him and sat alone.

Unfortunately, I smile a lot when I talk to people, so that's not helping. And if people do talk to me, I try to be really friendly. But if they're not a customer or if they don't initiate the conversation, I totally isolate myself. That's what I've been doing with him, but he keeps initiating conversations. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

By the way, this has been going on for over 10 months.

You should be direct with him and tell him your not interested. The more you avoid him, the more he's probably going to think your playing hard to get idk? Be confident and secure in your words. He should listen and respect your decision. I kinda also don't want to be bothered by people lately and prefer to keep to myself in person so i can relate just a bit.
slo1
Posts: 4,351
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8/18/2014 4:33:01 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Response 1:

" Billy bob, can i talk to you for a moment. I know you have wanted to hang out a bit and I keep making excuses. I imagine that must be frustrating at times. I just want to share my intent to make it a little easier on both of us as I struggle with it too. I'm not interested in hanging out or spending non work time together. I don't want us to be awkward while we are working, and that is why I'm doing this privately so it can be our secret."

pause and let him speak.

Response 2:

I know you have wanted to spend some time together. I'm in a relationship that is private right now and I don't want to mislead you thus why I have made excuses. I would like to keep this private, but I wanted to let you know so you don't think I'm the worlds biggest bi-ach and avoiding you.

Response 3:

Ewww, stay a way dude!
Ore_Ele
Posts: 25,980
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8/19/2014 8:54:12 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 8/18/2014 12:39:19 PM, Khaos_Mage wrote:
At 8/17/2014 7:43:41 PM, Ore_Ele wrote:
You need to flat out tell him that you are not interested. If it continues after that, you speak to your boss and/or HR because that getting on harassment.

I have a co-worker that has resorted to using a fake wedding ring to get customer's to stop hitting on her.

I'm surprised that works, actually.
Where do you work? Office, retail? Professional?
In restaurants, it doesn't work. Hell, even kids being present doesn't work....of course, they are usually drunk while hitting on them.

I work in the repair department of a manufacturing company. We have a door so that locals can just walk in to get their stuff repaired, rather than having to mail the product in. We typically get about 15-20 walk-ins per day (and about 150 mail ins).
"Wanting Red Rhino Pill to have gender"