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Serious topic. My friend's self harm story.

Adam_Godzilla
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9/29/2014 7:41:44 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
My high school friend, who is female, regularly practices self-harm. She cuts her forearm and thighs with a penknife whenever she is depressed. Sometimes she cuts her nails and makes them bleed. She says she likes the pain and she is addicted to cutting herself.

And she also suffers from bulimia and depression.

Why?

She suffers family issues, is bullied in school and is a bisexual. People occasionally throw rubber bits at her and pull her chair before she sits. They also mock her for her bisexuality.

She has experienced abuse from her brother in terms of domination and control. And her brother, who is over 20, has drinking issues. However her parents favour her brother over her as her brother is the first child and is male.

She feels depressed and suicidal. She says she will never find happiness. Watching her say these things is painful.

I have tried helping. I have resolved her bullying situation for one and also talked to her to discover her issues. But it is not enough, she is in a cycle of depression and she says she can never get out of it.

She says she does not know her place in the world. That everyone is either straight, gay or lesbian. But rarely Bi. She finds it hard to live as a bisexual but does not want to hide it or be afraid to tell people she is bi.

I don't know if there are people out here on DDO who have experienced similar things. I think there are though and I am reaching out to them AND the members of this community. I only ask how to further help her. What works? What doesn't? What do I need to tell her or what do I need to advice her? Any sort of advice is fine.

Also if you have experienced similar amounts of depression and you have gotten out of it, I would like to ask how you got out of it and what sort of help did you receive?

Thanks.
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bsh1
Posts: 27,503
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9/29/2014 10:50:57 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
My heart goes out to her--I was also bullied in school, albeit for different reasons. I think, ideally, the best way to get out of the cycle is to get out of the situation that is causing the problem. However, since it seems like her home life is the problem, that may be hard to do.

To find meaning in your life, you need to find joy--whether that joy is in a hobby, a group of friends, or a romantic partner, it provides and needed outlet for someone.

If she is self-harming, talking to a therapist might be a good way to go. Seeking professional help is nothing to be ashamed of and is better than continuing to live in a world where you can't see any reason for living. Beside, they are better positioned to give her advice than we are.
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Adam_Godzilla
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9/29/2014 10:00:18 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 9/29/2014 10:50:57 AM, bsh1 wrote:
My heart goes out to her--I was also bullied in school, albeit for different reasons. I think, ideally, the best way to get out of the cycle is to get out of the situation that is causing the problem. However, since it seems like her home life is the problem, that may be hard to do.

To find meaning in your life, you need to find joy--whether that joy is in a hobby, a group of friends, or a romantic partner, it provides and needed outlet for someone.

If she is self-harming, talking to a therapist might be a good way to go. Seeking professional help is nothing to be ashamed of and is better than continuing to live in a world where you can't see any reason for living. Beside, they are better positioned to give her advice than we are.

Thank you for your reply. You have my infinite gratitude. I will take your advice and find her a proffesional councelor to help her deal with her depression. Thank you so much for helping.
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bsh1
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9/29/2014 10:05:49 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 9/29/2014 10:00:18 PM, Adam_Godzilla wrote:
At 9/29/2014 10:50:57 AM, bsh1 wrote:
My heart goes out to her--I was also bullied in school, albeit for different reasons. I think, ideally, the best way to get out of the cycle is to get out of the situation that is causing the problem. However, since it seems like her home life is the problem, that may be hard to do.

To find meaning in your life, you need to find joy--whether that joy is in a hobby, a group of friends, or a romantic partner, it provides and needed outlet for someone.

If she is self-harming, talking to a therapist might be a good way to go. Seeking professional help is nothing to be ashamed of and is better than continuing to live in a world where you can't see any reason for living. Beside, they are better positioned to give her advice than we are.

Thank you for your reply. You have my infinite gratitude. I will take your advice and find her a proffesional councelor to help her deal with her depression. Thank you so much for helping.

Sure thing. I hope all goes well for her.
Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.


"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

"[Bsh1] is the Guinan of DDO." - ButterCatX

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Defro
Posts: 847
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9/30/2014 10:41:42 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 9/29/2014 7:41:44 AM, Adam_Godzilla wrote:

I was once in your friend's shoes. My friend was too.

My friend was also bi and went through a similar situation as yours who also cut himself.

Everyone tried to help him the way you tried to help your friend, but he just gets more depressed.

So one day I shoved him against the wall really hard and scolded him:
"Look, I know you hate your life, but cutting yourself is pointless. If you hate your life that much, you might as well kill yourself. The way I see it there are only two things that will solve your problems: suicide, or stop being so f*cking depressed. Cutting yourself doesn't do Jack sh*t."

I know depression is something you can just "get out" of. But I've been in his shoes too and received the same talk from someone I admired, and I got better. At that moment, I honestly would rather he killed himself than if he continued to cut himself regularly.

He got better though. A lot better. And I'm pretty sure it's because he tried to kill himself and realized he couldn't because either he was afraid of death or because he had meaning to his life, things he wanted to do, places he wanted to go. That's how I got better.

I'm not saying you should do this to your friend because there is a risk she'll actually kill herself. A risk I was willing to take, but I'm certain you aren't.

But here's some advice that might work. Stop trying to solve her problems directly.

Talking about her problems with her and trying to resolve them would just remind her of her problems and it'll get worse. For my friend, I showed him a good time. I took him out to a theme park. We got drunk, we got stoned, we fooled around in public and pulled pranks on people. I gave him the time of his life. I made him forget he was sad and made him happy for a brief moment.

Instead of trying to destroy his depression, I gave him happiness, which can cancel each other out. A depressed person in a good mood won't cut himself.

However I'm not sure if this might help your friend because you claimed that she was ADDICTED to cutting herself, in which case none of my advice so far is even relevant, which brings me to my final piece of advice:

GET HER A THERAPIST.
They're professionals. If anyone can get her better, it's them. They can talk to her and give her happy pills. Better than nothing.
ElCorazonAma
Posts: 781
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9/30/2014 3:24:47 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 9/30/2014 10:41:42 AM, Defro wrote:
At 9/29/2014 7:41:44 AM, Adam_Godzilla wrote:

I was once in your friend's shoes. My friend was too.

My friend was also bi and went through a similar situation as yours who also cut himself.

Everyone tried to help him the way you tried to help your friend, but he just gets more depressed.

So one day I shoved him against the wall really hard and scolded him:
"Look, I know you hate your life, but cutting yourself is pointless. If you hate your life that much, you might as well kill yourself. The way I see it there are only two things that will solve your problems: suicide, or stop being so f*cking depressed. Cutting yourself doesn't do Jack sh*t."

I know depression is something you can just "get out" of. But I've been in his shoes too and received the same talk from someone I admired, and I got better. At that moment, I honestly would rather he killed himself than if he continued to cut himself regularly.

He got better though. A lot better. And I'm pretty sure it's because he tried to kill himself and realized he couldn't because either he was afraid of death or because he had meaning to his life, things he wanted to do, places he wanted to go. That's how I got better.

I'm not saying you should do this to your friend because there is a risk she'll actually kill herself. A risk I was willing to take, but I'm certain you aren't.

But here's some advice that might work. Stop trying to solve her problems directly.

Talking about her problems with her and trying to resolve them would just remind her of her problems and it'll get worse. For my friend, I showed him a good time. I took him out to a theme park. We got drunk, we got stoned, we fooled around in public and pulled pranks on people. I gave him the time of his life. I made him forget he was sad and made him happy for a brief moment.

Instead of trying to destroy his depression, I gave him happiness, which can cancel each other out. A depressed person in a good mood won't cut himself.

However I'm not sure if this might help your friend because you claimed that she was ADDICTED to cutting herself, in which case none of my advice so far is even relevant, which brings me to my final piece of advice:

GET HER A THERAPIST.
They're professionals. If anyone can get her better, it's them. They can talk to her and give her happy pills. Better than nothing.

Agreed.
The verb is real but the adjective is only a hypothetical ideal. ~ Freedo
Adam_Godzilla
Posts: 2,487
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9/30/2014 6:18:24 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 9/30/2014 10:41:42 AM, Defro wrote:
At 9/29/2014 7:41:44 AM, Adam_Godzilla wrote:

I was once in your friend's shoes. My friend was too.

My friend was also bi and went through a similar situation as yours who also cut himself.

Everyone tried to help him the way you tried to help your friend, but he just gets more depressed.

So one day I shoved him against the wall really hard and scolded him:
"Look, I know you hate your life, but cutting yourself is pointless. If you hate your life that much, you might as well kill yourself. The way I see it there are only two things that will solve your problems: suicide, or stop being so f*cking depressed. Cutting yourself doesn't do Jack sh*t."

I know depression is something you can just "get out" of. But I've been in his shoes too and received the same talk from someone I admired, and I got better. At that moment, I honestly would rather he killed himself than if he continued to cut himself regularly.

He got better though. A lot better. And I'm pretty sure it's because he tried to kill himself and realized he couldn't because either he was afraid of death or because he had meaning to his life, things he wanted to do, places he wanted to go. That's how I got better.

I see. I can see why its effective. I was thinking of being harsh on her as you have to your friend. I was thinking of saying 'cut it out!' and do what you did. But because she'a a girl and I don't think I have the guts to scare a girl lile that. I don't know how she will handle it.

I'm not saying you should do this to your friend because there is a risk she'll actually kill herself. A risk I was willing to take, but I'm certain you aren't.

You are right.

But here's some advice that might work. Stop trying to solve her problems directly.

Talking about her problems with her and trying to resolve them would just remind her of her problems and it'll get worse. For my friend, I showed him a good time. I took him out to a theme park. We got drunk, we got stoned, we fooled around in public and pulled pranks on people. I gave him the time of his life. I made him forget he was sad and made him happy for a brief moment.
I gave her good times too. This is an excellent advice. You're right. I should just show her good times and let her choose whether she'll integrate that as a purpose in her life.

Instead of trying to destroy his depression, I gave him happiness, which can cancel each other out. A depressed person in a good mood won't cut himself.

This is true.
However I'm not sure if this might help your friend because you claimed that she was ADDICTED to cutting herself, in which case none of my advice so far is even relevant, which brings me to my final piece of advice:

GET HER A THERAPIST.
They're professionals. If anyone can get her better, it's them. They can talk to her and give her happy pills. Better than nothing.

Thank you, I will see what I can do. My friend is addicted to cutting yes. She says cutting itself is addicting though.

I will focus on her happiness and at the same time look for ways she can get help from therapy.

Thank you for your generous reply.
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Adam_Godzilla
Posts: 2,487
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9/30/2014 6:19:05 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 9/30/2014 3:24:47 PM, ElCorazonAma wrote:
At 9/30/2014 10:41:42 AM, Defro wrote:
At 9/29/2014 7:41:44 AM, Adam_Godzilla wrote:

I was once in your friend's shoes. My friend was too.

My friend was also bi and went through a similar situation as yours who also cut himself.

Everyone tried to help him the way you tried to help your friend, but he just gets more depressed.

So one day I shoved him against the wall really hard and scolded him:
"Look, I know you hate your life, but cutting yourself is pointless. If you hate your life that much, you might as well kill yourself. The way I see it there are only two things that will solve your problems: suicide, or stop being so f*cking depressed. Cutting yourself doesn't do Jack sh*t."

I know depression is something you can just "get out" of. But I've been in his shoes too and received the same talk from someone I admired, and I got better. At that moment, I honestly would rather he killed himself than if he continued to cut himself regularly.

He got better though. A lot better. And I'm pretty sure it's because he tried to kill himself and realized he couldn't because either he was afraid of death or because he had meaning to his life, things he wanted to do, places he wanted to go. That's how I got better.

I'm not saying you should do this to your friend because there is a risk she'll actually kill herself. A risk I was willing to take, but I'm certain you aren't.

But here's some advice that might work. Stop trying to solve her problems directly.

Talking about her problems with her and trying to resolve them would just remind her of her problems and it'll get worse. For my friend, I showed him a good time. I took him out to a theme park. We got drunk, we got stoned, we fooled around in public and pulled pranks on people. I gave him the time of his life. I made him forget he was sad and made him happy for a brief moment.

Instead of trying to destroy his depression, I gave him happiness, which can cancel each other out. A depressed person in a good mood won't cut himself.

However I'm not sure if this might help your friend because you claimed that she was ADDICTED to cutting herself, in which case none of my advice so far is even relevant, which brings me to my final piece of advice:

GET HER A THERAPIST.
They're professionals. If anyone can get her better, it's them. They can talk to her and give her happy pills. Better than nothing.

Agreed.

Thank you.
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Andromeda_Z
Posts: 4,151
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10/1/2014 10:09:18 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
You can't fix her. A therapist can, but only if she wants it. Your job in this is to help her find a therapist, and to help her have a good time. If she can't be happy, do your best to help her at least be less sad. If there's one in your area, find an lgbt center or something of the sort, so she can see that bi people really do exist. It's easy not to see us, especially when you're depressed and when people tend to be in monogamous relationships, but we're here. You can't break someone's addiction for them. But when she's ready to see that the world can be good, you can definitely help show her the best parts.