Total Posts:49|Showing Posts:1-30|Last Page
Jump to topic:

I have a personal confession to make.

Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
For a few years I've been living with a chronic mental illness. It's most likely been for a majority of my life, but I was officially diagnosed when I was 19.

I was diagnosed with having Schizoaffective Bipolar type 2.

Schizoaffective disorder as a diagnostic entity has features that resemble both schizophrenia and also serious mood (affective) symptoms. My symptoms are more tied into the Bipolar side vs. the Depressive side. Although I do battle depression at times as well, often suicidal thoughts. The suicidal aspect probably stems from walking in on my own mother a few hours after she attempted to kill herself from a pill overdose when I was 14. I had to perform CPR and force her to vomit, get my older brother home to take her to the ER and then I found her suicide note while already an emotional wreck at home. In her note she called me a failure. If you can appreciate that, I was 14 - just saved her life - and now was reading her would-be final words to me saying that she failed at raising me and that she hoped I have a good life with my father and his son-of-a-b!tch wife. Those would have been her last words. I believe I inherited the Bipolar part because I have a cousin who is also bipolar. Idk where the schizoaffective part comes from but I do have random hallucinations sometimes and have a very fantastical mind which leads to random bouts of paranoia or a serious lack of trust for anyone.

I was also diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I suppose this is why sometimes I'm super active and really nice, and other times I'm very distanced or not nice at all. I'm sure everyone here who has spent a good deal of time interacting with me or good at noticing trends can see the highs and lows I've had. Recently I became very anti-social and haven't even been in Hangouts in a few months, when in the summer I was in those on a nightly basis.

This is all very hard for me to admit, because I'm leaving myself completely vulnerable right now by sharing this. I just know that sometimes I can be very... opposite of how I was at other times. It's hard to explain, and even harder to live with. Everyday is a constant struggle. I've never had meaningful relationships, and when I had ones that were semi-meaningful or had potential, I'd always manage to ruin it. This is why I jumped from girl-to-girl and racked up my list, it came at the cost of having no true love in my life. I think what happened with my mom's suicide attempt really broke any sort of trust that I could have in women. I mean, if my own mother was willing to abandon me, who's to say the girl I love wouldn't? That's a hard pill to swallow, and one that still affects me today. It's been almost 2 years since I've had a girlfriend due to this lack of trust I have in women. It also leads me to feel extremely lonely. I have one friend who I live with and who I'd consider a true friend, but even then there are times where I have no patience for his lifestyle... I feel like, at times, it really is just me against the world.

So why am I saying all these things now... idk. It might be part of my psychosis. For the last two days I've been imagining myself admitting these things on here. I've been thinking of the hurtful things that could be said to me if I shared my truth. At the end of the day though, what can someone say that would hurt me worse than the pain I've already felt in this life? So here I am, hoping that this revelation might give you a clearer understanding of myself and why I am the way I am at times. I'm conflicted daily at the very core of my being.

I want to say that this is the greatest community I've ever been a part of. I mean that sincerely. Sometimes I'll see my name included on your lists and it is the highlight of my day, other times, I'll see that my name isn't on your list and it makes me wonder if I've been forgotten, or did something to offend you, and I'll fall into a depression where I begin pondering the value of my own existence. I know it's crazy. I think I'm worthless just because I'm not on your list? Yes, that's how deep these issues go with me. This is also why I'm 25 and still in my last semester of college. I would disagree with a professor and just shut-down. I'd rather drop the class than be subjected to that, and would. This has made me a 6-year super senior which also leads to depression. I feel like I'm getting such a late start in life and it drives me crazy knowing that there are people my age already graduating from law school when I haven't even graduated college yet.

I've tried counseling, and sadistically always end up just playing mind-games with counselors. One time, I had someone who I actually respected, but then I moved away so I lost his influence in my life. Other times, especially at my University, I was told that "they couldn't help me"... fvck me right? So I depend heavily on marijuana to ease the extremes I face mentally on a daily basis. Luckily, my dependence on marijuana as a balance hasn't affected my grades - I've managed to maintain a 3.6 gpa and a 4.0 major gpa. I also have my cats, and as silly as it sounds - they've saved my life multiple times. Last Christmas, I ran out of my family home and walked 3 miles to a bridge - I'm always depressed at Christmas because it was on Christmas day when I was 6 that my parents decided to tell us they were getting divorced. I guess they figured the high we were on from getting gifts would cushion the blow - I stood on the edge and was going to jump when I remember that if I do this, my cats will lose the person who raised them. I laughed at the irony of cats giving me reason to live, yet myself and siblings weren't enough for my mom. I couldn't let myself be as weak as her. There's been several instances where their life has spared my own. It's also safe to say that if they died, I honestly would have no reason to live at this point. As extreme as that sounds, I just... haven't found any other purpose to this life. Money? I don't care... Love? I've never learnt how to love... Friends? Non-existent due to my own bi-polarness. Everytime someone gets close to me, I hurt them, because I'm afraid that they'll hate me once they see me for what I really am - a bipolar, crazy enough to hallucinate at times, unloving product of a broken home. I tend to have sick thoughts at times, and say alot of things that should probably be left unsaid. It always comes back to hurt me. As does my anger. I've had three girlfriends that truly made me happy, and all three of them were hurt by me in some way, shape, or form, be it cheating, coldness, or inability to trust.

I feel like, at this point, I have nothing to lose. Maybe that's why I'm finally getting all of this off my shoulders. It feels incredibly good to be so honest, and I just hope you don't hold any of this against me. I want to become a better man. I want to be able to trust, to love fully, to not think suicidal thoughts, and to find meaningful friendships. It's going to take alot of work on my part. I've already been carrying out a long-term social project with my Supreme Council of Determination, and have somehow managed to keep it running for 5 months now. This is one of my greatest achievements in regards to being social. I guess, I'll just ask for patience from all of you as I try to grow into the man I seek to become. Hopefully this will give you some insight into the way I am, and what I wish to achieve.

That's all. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
dylancatlow
Posts: 12,254
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 9:43:30 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

I'm sorry that this feels like a confession for you. It's really nothing to be ashamed over.
VelCrow
Posts: 1,273
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 9:49:11 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
For a few years I've been living with a chronic mental illness. It's most likely been for a majority of my life, but I was officially diagnosed when I was 19.

I was diagnosed with having Schizoaffective Bipolar type 2.

Schizoaffective disorder as a diagnostic entity has features that resemble both schizophrenia and also serious mood (affective) symptoms. My symptoms are more tied into the Bipolar side vs. the Depressive side. Although I do battle depression at times as well, often suicidal thoughts. The suicidal aspect probably stems from walking in on my own mother a few hours after she attempted to kill herself from a pill overdose when I was 14. I had to perform CPR and force her to vomit, get my older brother home to take her to the ER and then I found her suicide note while already an emotional wreck at home. In her note she called me a failure. If you can appreciate that, I was 14 - just saved her life - and now was reading her would-be final words to me saying that she failed at raising me and that she hoped I have a good life with my father and his son-of-a-b!tch wife. Those would have been her last words. I believe I inherited the Bipolar part because I have a cousin who is also bipolar. Idk where the schizoaffective part comes from but I do have random hallucinations sometimes and have a very fantastical mind which leads to random bouts of paranoia or a serious lack of trust for anyone.

I was also diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I suppose this is why sometimes I'm super active and really nice, and other times I'm very distanced or not nice at all. I'm sure everyone here who has spent a good deal of time interacting with me or good at noticing trends can see the highs and lows I've had. Recently I became very anti-social and haven't even been in Hangouts in a few months, when in the summer I was in those on a nightly basis.

This is all very hard for me to admit, because I'm leaving myself completely vulnerable right now by sharing this. I just know that sometimes I can be very... opposite of how I was at other times. It's hard to explain, and even harder to live with. Everyday is a constant struggle. I've never had meaningful relationships, and when I had ones that were semi-meaningful or had potential, I'd always manage to ruin it. This is why I jumped from girl-to-girl and racked up my list, it came at the cost of having no true love in my life. I think what happened with my mom's suicide attempt really broke any sort of trust that I could have in women. I mean, if my own mother was willing to abandon me, who's to say the girl I love wouldn't? That's a hard pill to swallow, and one that still affects me today. It's been almost 2 years since I've had a girlfriend due to this lack of trust I have in women. It also leads me to feel extremely lonely. I have one friend who I live with and who I'd consider a true friend, but even then there are times where I have no patience for his lifestyle... I feel like, at times, it really is just me against the world.

So why am I saying all these things now... idk. It might be part of my psychosis. For the last two days I've been imagining myself admitting these things on here. I've been thinking of the hurtful things that could be said to me if I shared my truth. At the end of the day though, what can someone say that would hurt me worse than the pain I've already felt in this life? So here I am, hoping that this revelation might give you a clearer understanding of myself and why I am the way I am at times. I'm conflicted daily at the very core of my being.

I want to say that this is the greatest community I've ever been a part of. I mean that sincerely. Sometimes I'll see my name included on your lists and it is the highlight of my day, other times, I'll see that my name isn't on your list and it makes me wonder if I've been forgotten, or did something to offend you, and I'll fall into a depression where I begin pondering the value of my own existence. I know it's crazy. I think I'm worthless just because I'm not on your list? Yes, that's how deep these issues go with me. This is also why I'm 25 and still in my last semester of college. I would disagree with a professor and just shut-down. I'd rather drop the class than be subjected to that, and would. This has made me a 6-year super senior which also leads to depression. I feel like I'm getting such a late start in life and it drives me crazy knowing that there are people my age already graduating from law school when I haven't even graduated college yet.

I've tried counseling, and sadistically always end up just playing mind-games with counselors. One time, I had someone who I actually respected, but then I moved away so I lost his influence in my life. Other times, especially at my University, I was told that "they couldn't help me"... fvck me right? So I depend heavily on marijuana to ease the extremes I face mentally on a daily basis. Luckily, my dependence on marijuana as a balance hasn't affected my grades - I've managed to maintain a 3.6 gpa and a 4.0 major gpa. I also have my cats, and as silly as it sounds - they've saved my life multiple times. Last Christmas, I ran out of my family home and walked 3 miles to a bridge - I'm always depressed at Christmas because it was on Christmas day when I was 6 that my parents decided to tell us they were getting divorced. I guess they figured the high we were on from getting gifts would cushion the blow - I stood on the edge and was going to jump when I remember that if I do this, my cats will lose the person who raised them. I laughed at the irony of cats giving me reason to live, yet myself and siblings weren't enough for my mom. I couldn't let myself be as weak as her. There's been several instances where their life has spared my own. It's also safe to say that if they died, I honestly would have no reason to live at this point. As extreme as that sounds, I just... haven't found any other purpose to this life. Money? I don't care... Love? I've never learnt how to love... Friends? Non-existent due to my own bi-polarness. Everytime someone gets close to me, I hurt them, because I'm afraid that they'll hate me once they see me for what I really am - a bipolar, crazy enough to hallucinate at times, unloving product of a broken home. I tend to have sick thoughts at times, and say alot of things that should probably be left unsaid. It always comes back to hurt me. As does my anger. I've had three girlfriends that truly made me happy, and all three of them were hurt by me in some way, shape, or form, be it cheating, coldness, or inability to trust.

I feel like, at this point, I have nothing to lose. Maybe that's why I'm finally getting all of this off my shoulders. It feels incredibly good to be so honest, and I just hope you don't hold any of this against me. I want to become a better man. I want to be able to trust, to love fully, to not think suicidal thoughts, and to find meaningful friendships. It's going to take alot of work on my part. I've already been carrying out a long-term social project with my Supreme Council of Determination, and have somehow managed to keep it running for 5 months now. This is one of my greatest achievements in regards to being social. I guess, I'll just ask for patience from all of you as I try to grow into the man I seek to become. Hopefully this will give you some insight into the way I am, and what I wish to achieve.

That's all. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I feel you man :'(
"Ah....So when god "Taught you" online, did he have a user name like "Darthmaulrules1337", and did he talk in all caps?" ~ Axonly

http://www.debate.org...
Greyparrot
Posts: 14,325
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 9:52:51 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
You are so young. You have plenty of time and life to develop ways to cope. And getting your degree at 26 is nowhere NEAR as painful or stressful as getting it at 42 (like me).

You got this.
Truth_seeker
Posts: 1,811
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 10:24:06 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
For a few years I've been living with a chronic mental illness. It's most likely been for a majority of my life, but I was officially diagnosed when I was 19. I was diagnosed with having Schizoaffective Bipolar type 2.

Schizoaffective disorder as a diagnostic entity has features that resemble both schizophrenia and also serious mood (affective) symptoms. My symptoms are more tied into the Bipolar side vs. the Depressive side. Although I do battle depression at times as well, often suicidal thoughts. The suicidal aspect probably stems from walking in on my own mother a few hours after she attempted to kill herself from a pill overdose when I was 14. I had to perform CPR and force her to vomit, get my older brother home to take her to the ER and then I found her suicide note while already an emotional wreck at home. In her note she called me a failure. If you can appreciate that, I was 14 - just saved her life - and now was reading her would-be final words to me saying that she failed at raising me and that she hoped I have a good life with my father and his son-of-a-b!tch wife. Those would have been her last words. I believe I inherited the Bipolar part because I have a cousin who is also bipolar. Idk where the schizoaffective part comes from but I do have random hallucinations sometimes and have a very fantastical mind which leads to random bouts of paranoia or a serious lack of trust for anyone.

I was also diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I suppose this is why sometimes I'm super active and really nice, and other times I'm very distanced or not nice at all. I'm sure everyone here who has spent a good deal of time interacting with me or good at noticing trends can see the highs and lows I've had. Recently I became very anti-social and haven't even been in Hangouts in a few months, when in the summer I was in those on a nightly basis.

This is all very hard for me to admit, because I'm leaving myself completely vulnerable right now by sharing this. I just know that sometimes I can be very... opposite of how I was at other times. It's hard to explain, and even harder to live with. Everyday is a constant struggle. I've never had meaningful relationships, and when I had ones that were semi-meaningful or had potential, I'd always manage to ruin it. This is why I jumped from girl-to-girl and racked up my list, it came at the cost of having no true love in my life. I think what happened with my mom's suicide attempt really broke any sort of trust that I could have in women. I mean, if my own mother was willing to abandon me, who's to say the girl I love wouldn't? That's a hard pill to swallow, and one that still affects me today. It's been almost 2 years since I've had a girlfriend due to this lack of trust I have in women. It also leads me to feel extremely lonely. I have one friend who I live with and who I'd consider a true friend, but even then there are times where I have no patience for his lifestyle... I feel like, at times, it really is just me against the world.

So why am I saying all these things now... idk. It might be part of my psychosis. For the last two days I've been imagining myself admitting these things on here. I've been thinking of the hurtful things that could be said to me if I shared my truth. At the end of the day though, what can someone say that would hurt me worse than the pain I've already felt in this life? So here I am, hoping that this revelation might give you a clearer understanding of myself and why I am the way I am at times. I'm conflicted daily at the very core of my being.

I want to say that this is the greatest community I've ever been a part of. I mean that sincerely. Sometimes I'll see my name included on your lists and it is the highlight of my day, other times, I'll see that my name isn't on your list and it makes me wonder if I've been forgotten, or did something to offend you, and I'll fall into a depression where I begin pondering the value of my own existence. I know it's crazy. I think I'm worthless just because I'm not on your list? Yes, that's how deep these issues go with me. This is also why I'm 25 and still in my last semester of college. I would disagree with a professor and just shut-down. I'd rather drop the class than be subjected to that, and would. This has made me a 6-year super senior which also leads to depression. I feel like I'm getting such a late start in life and it drives me crazy knowing that there are people my age already graduating from law school when I haven't even graduated college yet.

I've tried counseling, and sadistically always end up just playing mind-games with counselors. One time, I had someone who I actually respected, but then I moved away so I lost his influence in my life. Other times, especially at my University, I was told that "they couldn't help me"... fvck me right? So I depend heavily on marijuana to ease the extremes I face mentally on a daily basis. Luckily, my dependence on marijuana as a balance hasn't affected my grades - I've managed to maintain a 3.6 gpa and a 4.0 major gpa. I also have my cats, and as silly as it sounds - they've saved my life multiple times. Last Christmas, I ran out of my family home and walked 3 miles to a bridge - I'm always depressed at Christmas because it was on Christmas day when I was 6 that my parents decided to tell us they were getting divorced. I guess they figured the high we were on from getting gifts would cushion the blow - I stood on the edge and was going to jump when I remember that if I do this, my cats will lose the person who raised them. I laughed at the irony of cats giving me reason to live, yet myself and siblings weren't enough for my mom. I couldn't let myself be as weak as her. There's been several instances where their life has spared my own. It's also safe to say that if they died, I honestly would have no reason to live at this point. As extreme as that sounds, I just... haven't found any other purpose to this life. Money? I don't care... Love? I've never learnt how to love... Friends? Non-existent due to my own bi-polarness. Everytime someone gets close to me, I hurt them, because I'm afraid that they'll hate me once they see me for what I really am - a bipolar, crazy enough to hallucinate at times, unloving product of a broken home. I tend to have sick thoughts at times, and say alot of things that should probably be left unsaid. It always comes back to hurt me. As does my anger. I've had three girlfriends that truly made me happy, and all three of them were hurt by me in some way, shape, or form, be it cheating, coldness, or inability to trust.

I feel like, at this point, I have nothing to lose. Maybe that's why I'm finally getting all of this off my shoulders. It feels incredibly good to be so honest, and I just hope you don't hold any of this against me. I want to become a better man. I want to be able to trust, to love fully, to not think suicidal thoughts, and to find meaningful friendships. It's going to take alot of work on my part. I've already been carrying out a long-term social project with my Supreme Council of Determination, and have somehow managed to keep it running for 5 months now. This is one of my greatest achievements in regards to being social. I guess, I'll just ask for patience from all of you as I try to grow into the man I seek to become. Hopefully this will give you some insight into the way I am, and what I wish to achieve.

Wow man, i never knew that happened to you. If i were in your place and my mom did that, i would grow up to be a very hurt, bitter, and brutally violent person. I can relate to you in a way, i grew up not making many friends and i ruined several potential girlfriends for being hurtful and selfish. I lost trust in women as well because i'm scared of rejection when they see who i really am. I used to not know what love is, but somehow yo
xXCryptoXx
Posts: 5,000
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 11:29:16 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
DDO has had its share of mentally ill people, or people from broken lives. If there is anyone out there that understands you, it is probably us.

Fact is, once you hit the bottom in life, you have no place to work but up.
Nolite Timere
Ajabi
Posts: 1,504
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 1:40:32 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
I am going to be honest, you're mad, crazy, utterly bonkers. You really are quite insane. I'll let you on a little secret though: the best, the wisest, and the greatest of us all are right up there with you.

<3

I love you Addison, and don't you forget it.

PS. youre not really crazy. A lot of people go through bad stuff in life, I know you more than others. You are still rational, intelligent, and composed. You'll get through it, just take therapy or whatever is recommended in such scenario's. <3
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 4:27:37 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:43:30 AM, dylancatlow wrote:
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

I'm sorry that this feels like a confession for you. It's really nothing to be ashamed over.

I know... I just feel like my diagnosis is some big dark secret and am afraid to tell anyone about it because they might not want me around afterwards. Even today, while at work, I was worried that what I said shouldn't have been said. Idk why I feel these self-imposed restrictions. It's something I need to overcome and I think sharing these things are the starting point. Thanks for telling me it's not something to feel shame for. I appreciate that alot.
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 4:31:04 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:52:51 AM, Greyparrot wrote:
You are so young. You have plenty of time and life to develop ways to cope. And getting your degree at 26 is nowhere NEAR as painful or stressful as getting it at 42 (like me).

You got this.

Thank you for that. I appreciate it alot. My dad told me once I get into law school that age won't really matter. It's difficult being around younger kids in my class though because I have all these life experiences that they might not have and I feel like it creates distance between myself and them. I can appreciate what you are saying though, and it does help knowing I'm not the only one who is older than the average college student. I hope you have a nice day!
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 4:32:52 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 11:29:16 AM, xXCryptoXx wrote:
DDO has had its share of mentally ill people, or people from broken lives. If there is anyone out there that understands you, it is probably us.

Fact is, once you hit the bottom in life, you have no place to work but up.

Thanks crypto. That's why I shared it here. I feel "safer" here than I would if I posted this on facebook or something. I appreciate your kind words.
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 4:36:42 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 1:40:32 PM, Ajabi wrote:
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
I am going to be honest, you're mad, crazy, utterly bonkers. You really are quite insane. I'll let you on a little secret though: the best, the wisest, and the greatest of us all are right up there with you.

Haha, thanks for the laugh :) You're absolutely right too.

<3

I love you Addison, and don't you forget it.

PS. youre not really crazy. A lot of people go through bad stuff in life, I know you more than others. You are still rational, intelligent, and composed. You'll get through it, just take therapy or whatever is recommended in such scenario's. <3

Thanks Ajabi, you were actually one of the people I was afraid that I hurt unknowingly. I've been brash with you in the past - and although I've always apologized afterwards, I still kick myself in the butt because you really are a great person to have as a friend. I'm sorry if sometimes I seem there and other times I'm really distant. I'm just glad to know that you care. It means alot to me. Thank you for making me smile right now.
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
EndarkenedRationalist
Posts: 14,201
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 4:38:51 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
I think it was very brave of you to make this announcement, and I'm glad you were able to do so. I know myself, and the rest of the community, are more than happy to offer you our support.
TN05
Posts: 4,492
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 5:04:15 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
For a few years I've been living with a chronic mental illness. It's most likely been for a majority of my life, but I was officially diagnosed when I was 19.

I was diagnosed with having Schizoaffective Bipolar type 2.

Schizoaffective disorder as a diagnostic entity has features that resemble both schizophrenia and also serious mood (affective) symptoms. My symptoms are more tied into the Bipolar side vs. the Depressive side. Although I do battle depression at times as well, often suicidal thoughts. The suicidal aspect probably stems from walking in on my own mother a few hours after she attempted to kill herself from a pill overdose when I was 14. I had to perform CPR and force her to vomit, get my older brother home to take her to the ER and then I found her suicide note while already an emotional wreck at home. In her note she called me a failure. If you can appreciate that, I was 14 - just saved her life - and now was reading her would-be final words to me saying that she failed at raising me and that she hoped I have a good life with my father and his son-of-a-b!tch wife. Those would have been her last words. I believe I inherited the Bipolar part because I have a cousin who is also bipolar. Idk where the schizoaffective part comes from but I do have random hallucinations sometimes and have a very fantastical mind which leads to random bouts of paranoia or a serious lack of trust for anyone.

I was also diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I suppose this is why sometimes I'm super active and really nice, and other times I'm very distanced or not nice at all. I'm sure everyone here who has spent a good deal of time interacting with me or good at noticing trends can see the highs and lows I've had. Recently I became very anti-social and haven't even been in Hangouts in a few months, when in the summer I was in those on a nightly basis.

This is all very hard for me to admit, because I'm leaving myself completely vulnerable right now by sharing this. I just know that sometimes I can be very... opposite of how I was at other times. It's hard to explain, and even harder to live with. Everyday is a constant struggle. I've never had meaningful relationships, and when I had ones that were semi-meaningful or had potential, I'd always manage to ruin it. This is why I jumped from girl-to-girl and racked up my list, it came at the cost of having no true love in my life. I think what happened with my mom's suicide attempt really broke any sort of trust that I could have in women. I mean, if my own mother was willing to abandon me, who's to say the girl I love wouldn't? That's a hard pill to swallow, and one that still affects me today. It's been almost 2 years since I've had a girlfriend due to this lack of trust I have in women. It also leads me to feel extremely lonely. I have one friend who I live with and who I'd consider a true friend, but even then there are times where I have no patience for his lifestyle... I feel like, at times, it really is just me against the world.

So why am I saying all these things now... idk. It might be part of my psychosis. For the last two days I've been imagining myself admitting these things on here. I've been thinking of the hurtful things that could be said to me if I shared my truth. At the end of the day though, what can someone say that would hurt me worse than the pain I've already felt in this life? So here I am, hoping that this revelation might give you a clearer understanding of myself and why I am the way I am at times. I'm conflicted daily at the very core of my being.

I want to say that this is the greatest community I've ever been a part of. I mean that sincerely. Sometimes I'll see my name included on your lists and it is the highlight of my day, other times, I'll see that my name isn't on your list and it makes me wonder if I've been forgotten, or did something to offend you, and I'll fall into a depression where I begin pondering the value of my own existence. I know it's crazy. I think I'm worthless just because I'm not on your list? Yes, that's how deep these issues go with me. This is also why I'm 25 and still in my last semester of college. I would disagree with a professor and just shut-down. I'd rather drop the class than be subjected to that, and would. This has made me a 6-year super senior which also leads to depression. I feel like I'm getting such a late start in life and it drives me crazy knowing that there are people my age already graduating from law school when I haven't even graduated college yet.

I've tried counseling, and sadistically always end up just playing mind-games with counselors. One time, I had someone who I actually respected, but then I moved away so I lost his influence in my life. Other times, especially at my University, I was told that "they couldn't help me"... fvck me right? So I depend heavily on marijuana to ease the extremes I face mentally on a daily basis. Luckily, my dependence on marijuana as a balance hasn't affected my grades - I've managed to maintain a 3.6 gpa and a 4.0 major gpa. I also have my cats, and as silly as it sounds - they've saved my life multiple times. Last Christmas, I ran out of my family home and walked 3 miles to a bridge - I'm always depressed at Christmas because it was on Christmas day when I was 6 that my parents decided to tell us they were getting divorced. I guess they figured the high we were on from getting gifts would cushion the blow - I stood on the edge and was going to jump when I remember that if I do this, my cats will lose the person who raised them. I laughed at the irony of cats giving me reason to live, yet myself and siblings weren't enough for my mom. I couldn't let myself be as weak as her. There's been several instances where their life has spared my own. It's also safe to say that if they died, I honestly would have no reason to live at this point. As extreme as that sounds, I just... haven't found any other purpose to this life. Money? I don't care... Love? I've never learnt how to love... Friends? Non-existent due to my own bi-polarness. Everytime someone gets close to me, I hurt them, because I'm afraid that they'll hate me once they see me for what I really am - a bipolar, crazy enough to hallucinate at times, unloving product of a broken home. I tend to have sick thoughts at times, and say alot of things that should probably be left unsaid. It always comes back to hurt me. As does my anger. I've had three girlfriends that truly made me happy, and all three of them were hurt by me in some way, shape, or form, be it cheating, coldness, or inability to trust.

I feel like, at this point, I have nothing to lose. Maybe that's why I'm finally getting all of this off my shoulders. It feels incredibly good to be so honest, and I just hope you don't hold any of this against me. I want to become a better man. I want to be able to trust, to love fully, to not think suicidal thoughts, and to find meaningful friendships. It's going to take alot of work on my part. I've already been carrying out a long-term social project with my Supreme Council of Determination, and have somehow managed to keep it running for 5 months now. This is one of my greatest achievements in regards to being social. I guess, I'll just ask for patience from all of you as I try to grow into the man I seek to become. Hopefully this will give you some insight into the way I am, and what I wish to achieve.

That's all. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

It takes a lot of courage to tell everyone this. You'll always have my support and the rest of the community's as well.
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 7:34:02 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 5:04:15 PM, TN05 wrote:
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
For a few years I've been living with a chronic mental illness. It's most likely been for a majority of my life, but I was officially diagnosed when I was 19.

I was diagnosed with having Schizoaffective Bipolar type 2.

Schizoaffective disorder as a diagnostic entity has features that resemble both schizophrenia and also serious mood (affective) symptoms. My symptoms are more tied into the Bipolar side vs. the Depressive side. Although I do battle depression at times as well, often suicidal thoughts. The suicidal aspect probably stems from walking in on my own mother a few hours after she attempted to kill herself from a pill overdose when I was 14. I had to perform CPR and force her to vomit, get my older brother home to take her to the ER and then I found her suicide note while already an emotional wreck at home. In her note she called me a failure. If you can appreciate that, I was 14 - just saved her life - and now was reading her would-be final words to me saying that she failed at raising me and that she hoped I have a good life with my father and his son-of-a-b!tch wife. Those would have been her last words. I believe I inherited the Bipolar part because I have a cousin who is also bipolar. Idk where the schizoaffective part comes from but I do have random hallucinations sometimes and have a very fantastical mind which leads to random bouts of paranoia or a serious lack of trust for anyone.

I was also diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I suppose this is why sometimes I'm super active and really nice, and other times I'm very distanced or not nice at all. I'm sure everyone here who has spent a good deal of time interacting with me or good at noticing trends can see the highs and lows I've had. Recently I became very anti-social and haven't even been in Hangouts in a few months, when in the summer I was in those on a nightly basis.

This is all very hard for me to admit, because I'm leaving myself completely vulnerable right now by sharing this. I just know that sometimes I can be very... opposite of how I was at other times. It's hard to explain, and even harder to live with. Everyday is a constant struggle. I've never had meaningful relationships, and when I had ones that were semi-meaningful or had potential, I'd always manage to ruin it. This is why I jumped from girl-to-girl and racked up my list, it came at the cost of having no true love in my life. I think what happened with my mom's suicide attempt really broke any sort of trust that I could have in women. I mean, if my own mother was willing to abandon me, who's to say the girl I love wouldn't? That's a hard pill to swallow, and one that still affects me today. It's been almost 2 years since I've had a girlfriend due to this lack of trust I have in women. It also leads me to feel extremely lonely. I have one friend who I live with and who I'd consider a true friend, but even then there are times where I have no patience for his lifestyle... I feel like, at times, it really is just me against the world.

So why am I saying all these things now... idk. It might be part of my psychosis. For the last two days I've been imagining myself admitting these things on here. I've been thinking of the hurtful things that could be said to me if I shared my truth. At the end of the day though, what can someone say that would hurt me worse than the pain I've already felt in this life? So here I am, hoping that this revelation might give you a clearer understanding of myself and why I am the way I am at times. I'm conflicted daily at the very core of my being.

I want to say that this is the greatest community I've ever been a part of. I mean that sincerely. Sometimes I'll see my name included on your lists and it is the highlight of my day, other times, I'll see that my name isn't on your list and it makes me wonder if I've been forgotten, or did something to offend you, and I'll fall into a depression where I begin pondering the value of my own existence. I know it's crazy. I think I'm worthless just because I'm not on your list? Yes, that's how deep these issues go with me. This is also why I'm 25 and still in my last semester of college. I would disagree with a professor and just shut-down. I'd rather drop the class than be subjected to that, and would. This has made me a 6-year super senior which also leads to depression. I feel like I'm getting such a late start in life and it drives me crazy knowing that there are people my age already graduating from law school when I haven't even graduated college yet.

I've tried counseling, and sadistically always end up just playing mind-games with counselors. One time, I had someone who I actually respected, but then I moved away so I lost his influence in my life. Other times, especially at my University, I was told that "they couldn't help me"... fvck me right? So I depend heavily on marijuana to ease the extremes I face mentally on a daily basis. Luckily, my dependence on marijuana as a balance hasn't affected my grades - I've managed to maintain a 3.6 gpa and a 4.0 major gpa. I also have my cats, and as silly as it sounds - they've saved my life multiple times. Last Christmas, I ran out of my family home and walked 3 miles to a bridge - I'm always depressed at Christmas because it was on Christmas day when I was 6 that my parents decided to tell us they were getting divorced. I guess they figured the high we were on from getting gifts would cushion the blow - I stood on the edge and was going to jump when I remember that if I do this, my cats will lose the person who raised them. I laughed at the irony of cats giving me reason to live, yet myself and siblings weren't enough for my mom. I couldn't let myself be as weak as her. There's been several instances where their life has spared my own. It's also safe to say that if they died, I honestly would have no reason to live at this point. As extreme as that sounds, I just... haven't found any other purpose to this life. Money? I don't care... Love? I've never learnt how to love... Friends? Non-existent due to my own bi-polarness. Everytime someone gets close to me, I hurt them, because I'm afraid that they'll hate me once they see me for what I really am - a bipolar, crazy enough to hallucinate at times, unloving product of a broken home. I tend to have sick thoughts at times, and say alot of things that should probably be left unsaid. It always comes back to hurt me. As does my anger. I've had three girlfriends that truly made me happy, and all three of them were hurt by me in some way, shape, or form, be it cheating, coldness, or inability to trust.

I feel like, at this point, I have nothing to lose. Maybe that's why I'm finally getting all of this off my shoulders. It feels incredibly good to be so honest, and I just hope you don't hold any of this against me. I want to become a better man. I want to be able to trust, to love fully, to not think suicidal thoughts, and to find meaningful friendships. It's going to take alot of work on my part. I've already been carrying out a long-term social project with my Supreme Council of Determination, and have somehow managed to keep it running for 5 months now. This is one of my greatest achievements in regards to being social. I guess, I'll just ask for patience from all of you as I try to grow into the man I seek to become. Hopefully this will give you some insight into the way I am, and what I wish to achieve.

That's all. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

It takes a lot of courage to tell everyone this. You'll always have my support and the rest of the community's as well.

I was really worried that I made a mistake by sharing all of this, but the support has been great. Thank you
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 7:34:53 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
For a few years I've been living with a chronic mental illness. It's most likely been for a majority of my life, but I was officially diagnosed when I was 19.

I was diagnosed with having Schizoaffective Bipolar type 2.

Schizoaffective disorder as a diagnostic entity has features that resemble both schizophrenia and also serious mood (affective) symptoms. My symptoms are more tied into the Bipolar side vs. the Depressive side. Although I do battle depression at times as well, often suicidal thoughts. The suicidal aspect probably stems from walking in on my own mother a few hours after she attempted to kill herself from a pill overdose when I was 14. I had to perform CPR and force her to vomit, get my older brother home to take her to the ER and then I found her suicide note while already an emotional wreck at home. In her note she called me a failure. If you can appreciate that, I was 14 - just saved her life - and now was reading her would-be final words to me saying that she failed at raising me and that she hoped I have a good life with my father and his son-of-a-b!tch wife. Those would have been her last words. I believe I inherited the Bipolar part because I have a cousin who is also bipolar. Idk where the schizoaffective part comes from but I do have random hallucinations sometimes and have a very fantastical mind which leads to random bouts of paranoia or a serious lack of trust for anyone.

I was also diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I suppose this is why sometimes I'm super active and really nice, and other times I'm very distanced or not nice at all. I'm sure everyone here who has spent a good deal of time interacting with me or good at noticing trends can see the highs and lows I've had. Recently I became very anti-social and haven't even been in Hangouts in a few months, when in the summer I was in those on a nightly basis.

This is all very hard for me to admit, because I'm leaving myself completely vulnerable right now by sharing this. I just know that sometimes I can be very... opposite of how I was at other times. It's hard to explain, and even harder to live with. Everyday is a constant struggle. I've never had meaningful relationships, and when I had ones that were semi-meaningful or had potential, I'd always manage to ruin it. This is why I jumped from girl-to-girl and racked up my list, it came at the cost of having no true love in my life. I think what happened with my mom's suicide attempt really broke any sort of trust that I could have in women. I mean, if my own mother was willing to abandon me, who's to say the girl I love wouldn't? That's a hard pill to swallow, and one that still affects me today. It's been almost 2 years since I've had a girlfriend due to this lack of trust I have in women. It also leads me to feel extremely lonely. I have one friend who I live with and who I'd consider a true friend, but even then there are times where I have no patience for his lifestyle... I feel like, at times, it really is just me against the world.

So why am I saying all these things now... idk. It might be part of my psychosis. For the last two days I've been imagining myself admitting these things on here. I've been thinking of the hurtful things that could be said to me if I shared my truth. At the end of the day though, what can someone say that would hurt me worse than the pain I've already felt in this life? So here I am, hoping that this revelation might give you a clearer understanding of myself and why I am the way I am at times. I'm conflicted daily at the very core of my being.

I want to say that this is the greatest community I've ever been a part of. I mean that sincerely. Sometimes I'll see my name included on your lists and it is the highlight of my day, other times, I'll see that my name isn't on your list and it makes me wonder if I've been forgotten, or did something to offend you, and I'll fall into a depression where I begin pondering the value of my own existence. I know it's crazy. I think I'm worthless just because I'm not on your list? Yes, that's how deep these issues go with me. This is also why I'm 25 and still in my last semester of college. I would disagree with a professor and just shut-down. I'd rather drop the class than be subjected to that, and would. This has made me a 6-year super senior which also leads to depression. I feel like I'm getting such a late start in life and it drives me crazy knowing that there are people my age already graduating from law school when I haven't even graduated college yet.

I've tried counseling, and sadistically always end up just playing mind-games with counselors. One time, I had someone who I actually respected, but then I moved away so I lost his influence in my life. Other times, especially at my University, I was told that "they couldn't help me"... fvck me right? So I depend heavily on marijuana to ease the extremes I face mentally on a daily basis. Luckily, my dependence on marijuana as a balance hasn't affected my grades - I've managed to maintain a 3.6 gpa and a 4.0 major gpa. I also have my cats, and as silly as it sounds - they've saved my life multiple times. Last Christmas, I ran out of my family home and walked 3 miles to a bridge - I'm always depressed at Christmas because it was on Christmas day when I was 6 that my parents decided to tell us they were getting divorced. I guess they figured the high we were on from getting gifts would cushion the blow - I stood on the edge and was going to jump when I remember that if I do this, my cats will lose the person who raised them. I laughed at the irony of cats giving me reason to live, yet myself and siblings weren't enough for my mom. I couldn't let myself be as weak as her. There's been several instances where their life has spared my own. It's also safe to say that if they died, I honestly would have no reason to live at this point. As extreme as that sounds, I just... haven't found any other purpose to this life. Money? I don't care... Love? I've never learnt how to love... Friends? Non-existent due to my own bi-polarness. Everytime someone gets close to me, I hurt them, because I'm afraid that they'll hate me once they see me for what I really am - a bipolar, crazy enough to hallucinate at times, unloving product of a broken home. I tend to have sick thoughts at times, and say alot of things that should probably be left unsaid. It always comes back to hurt me. As does my anger. I've had three girlfriends that truly made me happy, and all three of them were hurt by me in some way, shape, or form, be it cheating, coldness, or inability to trust.

I feel like, at this point, I have nothing to lose. Maybe that's why I'm finally getting all of this off my shoulders. It feels incredibly good to be so honest, and I just hope you don't hold any of this against me. I want to become a better man. I want to be able to trust, to love fully, to not think suicidal thoughts, and to find meaningful friendships. It's going to take alot of work on my part. I've already been carrying out a long-term social project with my Supreme Council of Determination, and have somehow managed to keep it running for 5 months now. This is one of my greatest achievements in regards to being social. I guess, I'll just ask for patience from all of you as I try to grow into the man I seek to become. Hopefully this will give you some insight into the way I am, and what I wish to achieve.

That's all. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

It takes a lot of courage to tell everyone this. You'll always have my support and the rest of the community's as well.

Sorry it got cut out. I said thank you, it means alot.
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 7:38:55 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
For a few years I've been living with a chronic mental illness. It's most likely been for a majority of my life, but I was officially diagnosed when I was 19.

I was diagnosed with having Schizoaffective Bipolar type 2.

Schizoaffective disorder as a diagnostic entity has features that resemble both schizophrenia and also serious mood (affective) symptoms. My symptoms are more tied into the Bipolar side vs. the Depressive side. Although I do battle depression at times as well, often suicidal thoughts. The suicidal aspect probably stems from walking in on my own mother a few hours after she attempted to kill herself from a pill overdose when I was 14. I had to perform CPR and force her to vomit, get my older brother home to take her to the ER and then I found her suicide note while already an emotional wreck at home. In her note she called me a failure. If you can appreciate that, I was 14 - just saved her life - and now was reading her would-be final words to me saying that she failed at raising me and that she hoped I have a good life with my father and his son-of-a-b!tch wife. Those would have been her last words. I believe I inherited the Bipolar part because I have a cousin who is also bipolar. Idk where the schizoaffective part comes from but I do have random hallucinations sometimes and have a very fantastical mind which leads to random bouts of paranoia or a serious lack of trust for anyone.

I was also diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I suppose this is why sometimes I'm super active and really nice, and other times I'm very distanced or not nice at all. I'm sure everyone here who has spent a good deal of time interacting with me or good at noticing trends can see the highs and lows I've had. Recently I became very anti-social and haven't even been in Hangouts in a few months, when in the summer I was in those on a nightly basis.

This is all very hard for me to admit, because I'm leaving myself completely vulnerable right now by sharing this. I just know that sometimes I can be very... opposite of how I was at other times. It's hard to explain, and even harder to live with. Everyday is a constant struggle. I've never had meaningful relationships, and when I had ones that were semi-meaningful or had potential, I'd always manage to ruin it. This is why I jumped from girl-to-girl and racked up my list, it came at the cost of having no true love in my life. I think what happened with my mom's suicide attempt really broke any sort of trust that I could have in women. I mean, if my own mother was willing to abandon me, who's to say the girl I love wouldn't? That's a hard pill to swallow, and one that still affects me today. It's been almost 2 years since I've had a girlfriend due to this lack of trust I have in women. It also leads me to feel extremely lonely. I have one friend who I live with and who I'd consider a true friend, but even then there are times where I have no patience for his lifestyle... I feel like, at times, it really is just me against the world.

So why am I saying all these things now... idk. It might be part of my psychosis. For the last two days I've been imagining myself admitting these things on here. I've been thinking of the hurtful things that could be said to me if I shared my truth. At the end of the day though, what can someone say that would hurt me worse than the pain I've already felt in this life? So here I am, hoping that this revelation might give you a clearer understanding of myself and why I am the way I am at times. I'm conflicted daily at the very core of my being.

I want to say that this is the greatest community I've ever been a part of. I mean that sincerely. Sometimes I'll see my name included on your lists and it is the highlight of my day, other times, I'll see that my name isn't on your list and it makes me wonder if I've been forgotten, or did something to offend you, and I'll fall into a depression where I begin pondering the value of my own existence. I know it's crazy. I think I'm worthless just because I'm not on your list? Yes, that's how deep these issues go with me. This is also why I'm 25 and still in my last semester of college. I would disagree with a professor and just shut-down. I'd rather drop the class than be subjected to that, and would. This has made me a 6-year super senior which also leads to depression. I feel like I'm getting such a late start in life and it drives me crazy knowing that there are people my age already graduating from law school when I haven't even graduated college yet.

I've tried counseling, and sadistically always end up just playing mind-games with counselors. One time, I had someone who I actually respected, but then I moved away so I lost his influence in my life. Other times, especially at my University, I was told that "they couldn't help me"... fvck me right? So I depend heavily on marijuana to ease the extremes I face mentally on a daily basis. Luckily, my dependence on marijuana as a balance hasn't affected my grades - I've managed to maintain a 3.6 gpa and a 4.0 major gpa. I also have my cats, and as silly as it sounds - they've saved my life multiple times. Last Christmas, I ran out of my family home and walked 3 miles to a bridge - I'm always depressed at Christmas because it was on Christmas day when I was 6 that my parents decided to tell us they were getting divorced. I guess they figured the high we were on from getting gifts would cushion the blow - I stood on the edge and was going to jump when I remember that if I do this, my cats will lose the person who raised them. I laughed at the irony of cats giving me reason to live, yet myself and siblings weren't enough for my mom. I couldn't let myself be as weak as her. There's been several instances where their life has spared my own. It's also safe to say that if they died, I honestly would have no reason to live at this point. As extreme as that sounds, I just... haven't found any other purpose to this life. Money? I don't care... Love? I've never learnt how to love... Friends? Non-existent due to my own bi-polarness. Everytime someone gets close to me, I hurt them, because I'm afraid that they'll hate me once they see me for what I really am - a bipolar, crazy enough to hallucinate at times, unloving product of a broken home. I tend to have sick thoughts at times, and say alot of things that should probably be left unsaid. It always comes back to hurt me. As does my anger. I've had three girlfriends that truly made me happy, and all three of them were hurt by me in some way, shape, or form, be it cheating, coldness, or inability to trust.

I feel like, at this point, I have nothing to lose. Maybe that's why I'm finally getting all of this off my shoulders. It feels incredibly good to be so honest, and I just hope you don't hold any of this against me. I want to become a better man. I want to be able to trust, to love fully, to not think suicidal thoughts, and to find meaningful friendships. It's going to take alot of work on my part. I've already been carrying out a long-term social project with my Supreme Council of Determination, and have somehow managed to keep it running for 5 months now. This is one of my greatest achievements in regards to being social. I guess, I'll just ask for patience from all of you as I try to grow into the man I seek to become. Hopefully this will give you some insight into the way I am, and what I wish to achieve.

That's all. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Don't feel bad that you have a condition you can't control. It took a lot of courage to post something this vulnerable and personal. I'm sure this is a tremendous hurdle in your life, and a source of pain and frustration. I hope you will keep overcoming it. God bless! :)
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
fazz
Posts: 1,617
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 7:44:00 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
For a few years I've been living with a chronic mental illness. It's most likely been for a majority of my life, but I was officially diagnosed when I was 19.

I was diagnosed with having Schizoaffective Bipolar type 2.

Schizoaffective disorder as a diagnostic entity has features that resemble both schizophrenia and also serious mood (affective) symptoms. My symptoms are more tied into the Bipolar side vs. the Depressive side. Although I do battle depression at times as well, often suicidal thoughts. The suicidal aspect probably stems from walking in on my own mother a few hours after she attempted to kill herself from a pill overdose when I was 14. I had to perform CPR and force her to vomit, get my older brother home to take her to the ER and then I found her suicide note while already an emotional wreck at home. In her note she called me a failure. If you can appreciate that, I was 14 - just saved her life - and now was reading her would-be final words to me saying that she failed at raising me and that she hoped I have a good life with my father and his son-of-a-b!tch wife. Those would have been her last words. I believe I inherited the Bipolar part because I have a cousin who is also bipolar. Idk where the schizoaffective part comes from but I do have random hallucinations sometimes and have a very fantastical mind which leads to random bouts of paranoia or a serious lack of trust for anyone.

I was also diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I suppose this is why sometimes I'm super active and really nice, and other times I'm very distanced or not nice at all. I'm sure everyone here who has spent a good deal of time interacting with me or good at noticing trends can see the highs and lows I've had. Recently I became very anti-social and haven't even been in Hangouts in a few months, when in the summer I was in those on a nightly basis.

This is all very hard for me to admit, because I'm leaving myself completely vulnerable right now by sharing this. I just know that sometimes I can be very... opposite of how I was at other times. It's hard to explain, and even harder to live with. Everyday is a constant struggle. I've never had meaningful relationships, and when I had ones that were semi-meaningful or had potential, I'd always manage to ruin it. This is why I jumped from girl-to-girl and racked up my list, it came at the cost of having no true love in my life. I think what happened with my mom's suicide attempt really broke any sort of trust that I could have in women. I mean, if my own mother was willing to abandon me, who's to say the girl I love wouldn't? That's a hard pill to swallow, and one that still affects me today. It's been almost 2 years since I've had a girlfriend due to this lack of trust I have in women. It also leads me to feel extremely lonely. I have one friend who I live with and who I'd consider a true friend, but even then there are times where I have no patience for his lifestyle... I feel like, at times, it really is just me against the world.

So why am I saying all these things now... idk. It might be part of my psychosis. For the last two days I've been imagining myself admitting these things on here. I've been thinking of the hurtful things that could be said to me if I shared my truth. At the end of the day though, what can someone say that would hurt me worse than the pain I've already felt in this life? So here I am, hoping that this revelation might give you a clearer understanding of myself and why I am the way I am at times. I'm conflicted daily at the very core of my being.

I want to say that this is the greatest community I've ever been a part of. I mean that sincerely. Sometimes I'll see my name included on your lists and it is the highlight of my day, other times, I'll see that my name isn't on your list and it makes me wonder if I've been forgotten, or did something to offend you, and I'll fall into a depression where I begin pondering the value of my own existence. I know it's crazy. I think I'm worthless just because I'm not on your list? Yes, that's how deep these issues go with me. This is also why I'm 25 and still in my last semester of college. I would disagree with a professor and just shut-down. I'd rather drop the class than be subjected to that, and would. This has made me a 6-year super senior which also leads to depression. I feel like I'm getting such a late start in life and it drives me crazy knowing that there are people my age already graduating from law school when I haven't even graduated college yet.

I've tried counseling, and sadistically always end up just playing mind-games with counselors. One time, I had someone who I actually respected, but then I moved away so I lost his influence in my life. Other times, especially at my University, I was told that "they couldn't help me"... fvck me right? So I depend heavily on marijuana to ease the extremes I face mentally on a daily basis. Luckily, my dependence on marijuana as a balance hasn't affected my grades - I've managed to maintain a 3.6 gpa and a 4.0 major gpa. I also have my cats, and as silly as it sounds - they've saved my life multiple times. Last Christmas, I ran out of my family home and walked 3 miles to a bridge - I'm always depressed at Christmas because it was on Christmas day when I was 6 that my parents decided to tell us they were getting divorced. I guess they figured the high we were on from getting gifts would cushion the blow - I stood on the edge and was going to jump when I remember that if I do this, my cats will lose the person who raised them. I laughed at the irony of cats giving me reason to live, yet myself and siblings weren't enough for my mom. I couldn't let myself be as weak as her. There's been several instances where their life has spared my own. It's also safe to say that if they died, I honestly would have no reason to live at this point. As extreme as that sounds, I just... haven't found any other purpose to this life. Money? I don't care... Love? I've never learnt how to love... Friends? Non-existent due to my own bi-polarness. Everytime someone gets close to me, I hurt them, because I'm afraid that they'll hate me once they see me for what I really am - a bipolar, crazy enough to hallucinate at times, unloving product of a broken home. I tend to have sick thoughts at times, and say alot of things that should probably be left unsaid. It always comes back to hurt me. As does my anger. I've had three girlfriends that truly made me happy, and all three of them were hurt by me in some way, shape, or form, be it cheating, coldness, or inability to trust.

Well, you have near-flawless logic. I mean, only one or two people on this site have this level of clarity, and you are indeed lucky. But logic can also be a burden. Try using your emotion instead once in a while. It might help you ease up on your illness. I think you might be more useful in college that way. I think, logic is like a weapon, a sword. If you overuse it, it will wear out, and wear you out along with it! We don't always have to fight to get what we want.
YYW
Posts: 36,391
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 10:15:10 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:43:30 AM, dylancatlow wrote:
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

I'm sorry that this feels like a confession for you. It's really nothing to be ashamed over.

I agree. Having a mental illness is not something to be ashamed about. It just is.
Tsar of DDO
Dennybug
Posts: 711
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/17/2014 10:39:01 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

Never really got the time to know you well, partly because I found you a bit intimidating on hangouts. I could tell you loved your cats a lot when you explained to me how you named them for about 10 minutes haha that was pretty legit.

Pretty legit of you to make a post like this, so kudos to you man. I hope you can find solace in that and know that no one here is judging you. Probably because we're all batsh!t crazy
Ajabi
Posts: 1,504
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 12:18:46 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 4:36:42 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 10/17/2014 1:40:32 PM, Ajabi wrote:
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
I am going to be honest, you're mad, crazy, utterly bonkers. You really are quite insane. I'll let you on a little secret though: the best, the wisest, and the greatest of us all are right up there with you.

Haha, thanks for the laugh :) You're absolutely right too.

<3

I love you Addison, and don't you forget it.

PS. youre not really crazy. A lot of people go through bad stuff in life, I know you more than others. You are still rational, intelligent, and composed. You'll get through it, just take therapy or whatever is recommended in such scenario's. <3

Thanks Ajabi, you were actually one of the people I was afraid that I hurt unknowingly. I've been brash with you in the past - and although I've always apologized afterwards, I still kick myself in the butt because you really are a great person to have as a friend. I'm sorry if sometimes I seem there and other times I'm really distant. I'm just glad to know that you care. It means alot to me. Thank you for making me smile right now.

Nah man, whats done is done. I too apologize where I have been rash. :P
Ajabi
Posts: 1,504
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 12:26:27 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 4:38:51 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
I think it was very brave of you to make this announcement, and I'm glad you were able to do so. I know myself, and the rest of the community, are more than happy to offer you our support.

Speak for yourself mate, I say kill the mad man.
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 3:49:54 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 7:38:55 PM, mishapqueen wrote:

Thank you for your kind words. It's something I'm learning to live with on a daily basis. Being able to be honest about my real-life issues helps alot.
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 3:51:14 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 7:44:00 PM, fazz wrote:
Well, you have near-flawless logic. I mean, only one or two people on this site have this level of clarity, and you are indeed lucky. But logic can also be a burden. Try using your emotion instead once in a while. It might help you ease up on your illness. I think you might be more useful in college that way. I think, logic is like a weapon, a sword. If you overuse it, it will wear out, and wear you out along with it! We don't always have to fight to get what we want.

Wow, thank you so much for those kind words. You're absolutely right about overusing it or anything really... I appreciate your input. Hope you have a nice day!
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 3:56:01 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 10:15:10 PM, YYW wrote:
At 10/17/2014 9:43:30 AM, dylancatlow wrote:
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

I'm sorry that this feels like a confession for you. It's really nothing to be ashamed over.

I agree. Having a mental illness is not something to be ashamed about. It just is.

I'm seeing this now. Idk why I felt shame, it must have just been something I always perceived as one of those "never talk about it" things. I see now, through the responses of this community, that I was wrong for feeling shame. I really appreciate the responses I've gotten here. This community really does rock.
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 3:59:55 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 10:39:01 PM, Dennybug wrote:
At 10/17/2014 9:38:44 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:


Never really got the time to know you well, partly because I found you a bit intimidating on hangouts. I could tell you loved your cats a lot when you explained to me how you named them for about 10 minutes haha that was pretty legit.

Pretty legit of you to make a post like this, so kudos to you man. I hope you can find solace in that and know that no one here is judging you. Probably because we're all batsh!t crazy

I'm sorry if I came off as intimidating. Sometimes I tend to put up a wall and have been told that before too. Regardless, I've always liked you. I do totally remember explaining how my cats name came to me in a dream haha. Thank you Denny, I'll work on not being intimidating which'll include just being more open to meeting new people and conversing freely. Up until this point, I've had that "wall" up, I'll try to break it down though over time. I appreciate the kindness I've gotten from you and everyone else.
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 4:03:11 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/17/2014 4:38:51 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
I think it was very brave of you to make this announcement, and I'm glad you were able to do so. I know myself, and the rest of the community, are more than happy to offer you our support.

Thanks Endark. I'm gonna try and break myself out of this self-imposed box I put myself in. It's just hard because some days I'm so willing to be open and social and others I can't even manage to respond to people much less even be in my own mind. I'm hoping that writing this fanfic and doing a few other community-based projects will help me though. I appreciate the support alot, thank you for that.
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 4:03:34 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 3:49:54 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 10/17/2014 7:38:55 PM, mishapqueen wrote:

Thank you for your kind words. It's something I'm learning to live with on a daily basis. Being able to be honest about my real-life issues helps alot.

I'm glad it helps you. I'm glad you don't have the "surrender attitude" and are still striving to succeed.
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
Blade-of-Truth
Posts: 5,036
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 4:06:18 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 4:03:34 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
At 10/18/2014 3:49:54 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 10/17/2014 7:38:55 PM, mishapqueen wrote:

Thank you for your kind words. It's something I'm learning to live with on a daily basis. Being able to be honest about my real-life issues helps alot.

I'm glad it helps you. I'm glad you don't have the "surrender attitude" and are still striving to succeed.

That's true. I've always had some kind of core confidence deep within myself, but always end up blocking it with doubt and denial. I still don't think I'll ever be a normal person, it scares me to think I might be alone because of it instead of having a wife or normal family thing. But if I can change that then I will. I think being open about my problems has helped alot. I never expected this kind of response. It's really really nice and motivating.
Debate.org Deputy Vote Moderator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DDO Voting Guide: http://www.debate.org...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a judge on your debate? Nominate me! http://www.debate.org...
mishapqueen
Posts: 3,995
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 4:57:46 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 4:06:18 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 10/18/2014 4:03:34 PM, mishapqueen wrote:
At 10/18/2014 3:49:54 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 10/17/2014 7:38:55 PM, mishapqueen wrote:

Thank you for your kind words. It's something I'm learning to live with on a daily basis. Being able to be honest about my real-life issues helps alot.

I'm glad it helps you. I'm glad you don't have the "surrender attitude" and are still striving to succeed.

That's true. I've always had some kind of core confidence deep within myself, but always end up blocking it with doubt and denial. I still don't think I'll ever be a normal person, it scares me to think I might be alone because of it instead of having a wife or normal family thing. But if I can change that then I will. I think being open about my problems has helped alot. I never expected this kind of response. It's really really nice and motivating.

Openness is always the best road to go. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but if you do, he knows the desire of your heart and I'm sure he will grant it. I'm sure there will be people who will love you in spite of this disorder. I'd just like to encourage you to keep going. Since you have a bigger hurdle to jump, it just means that your success with your education, logic skills etc, is even more than the typical accomplishment. I don't know you very well, but I've been impressed with your attitude and intelligence. And the fact that you are that way in spite of your disorder is huge. I'm sure you will achieve great things, and will be able to find ways to cope. Just don't give up. Having the grit to keep on when it's this tough means the battle is half won.
You cannot choose whether or not you will live by rules, but you can choose which rules you will live by. --Me

"I was wrong. Squirrels are objectively superior to bunnies in every conceivable dimension."
--Joey

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" --PetersSmith

Nunc aut Numquam
Mirza
Posts: 16,992
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
10/18/2014 5:21:45 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
It is saddening to read all you have gone through. It's brave of you to talk about it, and you must not feel ashamed about it. Ever. Moreover, you should not lose confidence if you seem to not be mentioned in some lists or whatever there is. Most people here probably respect you, as you happen to be very adequate and intelligent. There are plenty of members you can talk to here, should you need a conversation on a personal basis. Stay strong.