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Confessions of a Chronic Mind-Changer

FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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10/18/2014 2:31:59 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
I am very blessed to have this curse. Or it may be neither, merely a fact of my existence, not praised nor condemned. But it's certainly a wild ride. The fact is, I'm a wandering man, unable to follow any straight path; like an unconscious blind drunk driver who veers into oncoming traffic, flies off the side of the ravine and whirls downward into a river whose current carries them to the ocean where they get eaten by a giant whale, which turns out not to be a whale at all but actually a giant submarine which is just meticulously designed to look like a whale. The seamen inform you that it's a sperm whale. What was I saying? Oh yeah! No...that wasn't it. Oh yeah!

Like far too many children in America today, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Back then I was just a spaz. The simple times. But that beautiful chaos would continue to stir inside me and grow, feeding off of every other part of me like a tumor until it was the only thing left.

I was extremely religious as a child. I never stopped praying throughout the day. I dreamed of growing up to travel the world spreading the word of God. I believed that the Earth was created 6,000 years ago and humans lived alongside dinosaurs. I believed sincerely that God sent angels into my stuffed animals to watch over me. On a single given day, I had these convictions. On the very next day, I completely dismissed the idea of organized religion, accepted that the universe is billions of years old, and completely changed my political opinions to boot. But I held on to my belief in God for a little while.

Even after I completely abandoned the belief in God, I returned to it for a short time while experimenting with Christian Existentialism. Inevitably moving on once more. But before all that happened, I became a Buddhist.

There are a lot of different titles I've applied to myself. Religious, philosophical or political.

Christian.
Republican.
Conservative.
Deist.
Libertarian.
Atheist.
Objectivist.
Egoist.
Agnostic.
Existentialist.
Anarchist.
Anarcho-Capitalist.
Nihilist.
Buddhist.
Taoist.
Pantheist.
Anarcho-Mutualist.
Christian Existentialist.
Anarcho-Syndicalist.
Anarcho-Communist.
Socialist.
Apathetic.
Moderate.
Absurdist.
Surrealist.
Discordian.

To name only a few. And at many points, I refused any kind of label all together. But this type of chronic mind-changing is not only restricted to my beliefs. Nearly everything else about me is up in the air.

What do you want to be? An artist! A cop! A superhero! An archeologist! A missionary! A physicist! An astronaut! A politician! A revolutionary! A psychologist! A hypno-therapist! An illusionist! A comedian! A writer!

What is your favorite color? Red! No, orange...you know, a brownish kinda orange...nevermind I choose pink--I mean purple!

What do you like to eat? Anything with meat! But I think I might go vegetarian. Actually, this is too hard, lets meet in the middle with pescatarian. Wait, I'm no chump, lets go vegan!

Where do you want to live? Obviously Texas or the deep south, or maybe a little closer North like...you know, maybe Denmark or the Netherlands. By the way, I'm moving to San Francisco! Just kidding! I'm for sure here to stay. And I've also decided that I'm not going to stay at all. Instead, I'm going to be a traveling hobo. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm back home.

Would you like creamer with your coffee, sir? Go away!!! Stop asking me questions!!!

My past and my future shall always be opposed to one another and I'm left alone in the present not knowing which way is which. It's not that I'm indecisive. Although I often am. But usually I'm very passionate about the decisions I make. I shall became completely wrapped up and empowered by it's rightness. And yet every time, I drop it all on a dime and start from scratch.

I must think. I must analyze. I must open up. I must explore. I must be skeptical. I must introspect. I must dissect. I must evolve.

This is crazy! I'm crazy! No, you just want to think you're crazy. That's crazy! You're crazy! Everyone writing this is crazy!

No, you're not crazy! And you're not a genius! And you're not different! All your opinions are superficial ways you use to inflate your ego! And you're only saying this to make you sound humble! Clearly, you must be these things if you say you are not.

I don't know! I don't know! lalalalalala I don't know.

Stop thinking. Stop thinking "stop thinking". That's making me think. Try keep thinking, maybe I'll stop. No, that doesn't work. Forget it...it's ok to think or not think, just whatever...
......
......that's it...just like that...
Wait--DAMNIT!...no, actually that's right...I think...

This thing keeps me from ever knowing who I am. And yet it makes me who I am. It is clear that I may only find myself by losing myself. And I may only lose myself by finding myself.

Now the greatest crisis sets in. If I am always changing, then I'm actually staying the same. But I need that to change. But if I did, I would also be staying the same. So what is a wizard to do? Is there anything in my broad experience in philosophy that has prepared me for this? Does any light shine through the walls of my structuralized deconstructionism and illuminate for me a possible hope that lines the pages of this long existential calamity I've been writing with the ink of my soul and the pen of my destiny?

Yeah, totally.

As I dive back into Buddhist teachings, I am unable to deny the psycho-therapeutic affects and how it changes me in a way that has truly improved my life, as worldviews are not known to do. Meditating on the concept of non-duality has brought me peace. Focusing my energy on compassion has brought me happiness. The middle-path has allowed me to hold onto the ethereal strangeness and volatility I crave for the the expression of my inner being, while making progress in my ability to deal with every day life where my over-thinking is not always so useful.

Since I am one with all, it makes sense that I must change so much. Because everything else must change as well. And yet it never does.

I think.
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
s-anthony
Posts: 2,582
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10/18/2014 3:13:19 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 2:31:59 AM, FREEDO wrote:
I am very blessed to have this curse. Or it may be neither, merely a fact of my existence, not praised nor condemned. But it's certainly a wild ride. The fact is, I'm a wandering man, unable to follow any straight path; like an unconscious blind drunk driver who veers into oncoming traffic, flies off the side of the ravine and whirls downward into a river whose current carries them to the ocean where they get eaten by a giant whale, which turns out not to be a whale at all but actually a giant submarine which is just meticulously designed to look like a whale. The seamen inform you that it's a sperm whale. What was I saying? Oh yeah! No...that wasn't it. Oh yeah!

Like far too many children in America today, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Back then I was just a spaz. The simple times. But that beautiful chaos would continue to stir inside me and grow, feeding off of every other part of me like a tumor until it was the only thing left.

I was extremely religious as a child. I never stopped praying throughout the day. I dreamed of growing up to travel the world spreading the word of God. I believed that the Earth was created 6,000 years ago and humans lived alongside dinosaurs. I believed sincerely that God sent angels into my stuffed animals to watch over me. On a single given day, I had these convictions. On the very next day, I completely dismissed the idea of organized religion, accepted that the universe is billions of years old, and completely changed my political opinions to boot. But I held on to my belief in God for a little while.

Even after I completely abandoned the belief in God, I returned to it for a short time while experimenting with Christian Existentialism. Inevitably moving on once more. But before all that happened, I became a Buddhist.

There are a lot of different titles I've applied to myself. Religious, philosophical or political.

Christian.
Republican.
Conservative.
Deist.
Libertarian.
Atheist.
Objectivist.
Egoist.
Agnostic.
Existentialist.
Anarchist.
Anarcho-Capitalist.
Nihilist.
Buddhist.
Taoist.
Pantheist.
Anarcho-Mutualist.
Christian Existentialist.
Anarcho-Syndicalist.
Anarcho-Communist.
Socialist.
Apathetic.
Moderate.
Absurdist.
Surrealist.
Discordian.


To name only a few. And at many points, I refused any kind of label all together. But this type of chronic mind-changing is not only restricted to my beliefs. Nearly everything else about me is up in the air.

What do you want to be? An artist! A cop! A superhero! An archeologist! A missionary! A physicist! An astronaut! A politician! A revolutionary! A psychologist! A hypno-therapist! An illusionist! A comedian! A writer!

What is your favorite color? Red! No, orange...you know, a brownish kinda orange...nevermind I choose pink--I mean purple!

What do you like to eat? Anything with meat! But I think I might go vegetarian. Actually, this is too hard, lets meet in the middle with pescatarian. Wait, I'm no chump, lets go vegan!

Where do you want to live? Obviously Texas or the deep south, or maybe a little closer North like...you know, maybe Denmark or the Netherlands. By the way, I'm moving to San Francisco! Just kidding! I'm for sure here to stay. And I've also decided that I'm not going to stay at all. Instead, I'm going to be a traveling hobo. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm back home.

Would you like creamer with your coffee, sir? Go away!!! Stop asking me questions!!!

My past and my future shall always be opposed to one another and I'm left alone in the present not knowing which way is which. It's not that I'm indecisive. Although I often am. But usually I'm very passionate about the decisions I make. I shall became completely wrapped up and empowered by it's rightness. And yet every time, I drop it all on a dime and start from scratch.

I must think. I must analyze. I must open up. I must explore. I must be skeptical. I must introspect. I must dissect. I must evolve.

This is crazy! I'm crazy! No, you just want to think you're crazy. That's crazy! You're crazy! Everyone writing this is crazy!

No, you're not crazy! And you're not a genius! And you're not different! All your opinions are superficial ways you use to inflate your ego! And you're only saying this to make you sound humble! Clearly, you must be these things if you say you are not.

I don't know! I don't know! lalalalalala I don't know.

Stop thinking. Stop thinking "stop thinking". That's making me think. Try keep thinking, maybe I'll stop. No, that doesn't work. Forget it...it's ok to think or not think, just whatever...
......
......that's it...just like that...
Wait--DAMNIT!...no, actually that's right...I think...

This thing keeps me from ever knowing who I am. And yet it makes me who I am. It is clear that I may only find myself by losing myself. And I may only lose myself by finding myself.

Now the greatest crisis sets in. If I am always changing, then I'm actually staying the same. But I need that to change. But if I did, I would also be staying the same. So what is a wizard to do? Is there anything in my broad experience in philosophy that has prepared me for this? Does any light shine through the walls of my structuralized deconstructionism and illuminate for me a possible hope that lines the pages of this long existential calamity I've been writing with the ink of my soul and the pen of my destiny?

Yeah, totally.

As I dive back into Buddhist teachings, I am unable to deny the psycho-therapeutic affects and how it changes me in a way that has truly improved my life, as worldviews are not known to do. Meditating on the concept of non-duality has brought me peace. Focusing my energy on compassion has brought me happiness. The middle-path has allowed me to hold onto the ethereal strangeness and volatility I crave for the the expression of my inner being, while making progress in my ability to deal with every day life where my over-thinking is not always so useful.

Since I am one with all, it makes sense that I must change so much. Because everything else must change as well. And yet it never does.

I think.

Love it. That's beautiful. I believe we are all those things and so much more. It's not that we ever lose those personalities but, at times, certain characteristics of who we are get more attention.
fazz
Posts: 1,617
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10/18/2014 9:38:59 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 3:13:19 PM, s-anthony wrote:
Love it. That's beautiful. I believe we are all those things and so much more. It's not that we ever lose those personalities but,

Okay. But how can we be different people? Is this a public/private divide, or a multiplicty?

Perhaps, Buddhism is a cure for Western dualism. I have not studied this approach like he claims.

at times, certain characteristics of who we are get more attention.

I think my theory would be that knowledge is fragmented. We cut it up into neat pieces like cake. Ultimately the pieces do not fit the blank spaces. Like a corrupt jigsaw piece.

Squares in circles?

So we give more attention to the 'dominant' strands of knowledge. Like an overburdened Super over the Ego? Also, 'minor' compared to the 'dominant' is hidden.

Mathametics for example is a main stream. However, Love is considered a minor stream.

Oversaturation of information. Knowledge is like Cancer.
s-anthony
Posts: 2,582
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10/19/2014 12:34:51 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 9:38:59 PM, fazz wrote:
At 10/18/2014 3:13:19 PM, s-anthony wrote:
Love it. That's beautiful. I believe we are all those things and so much more. It's not that we ever lose those personalities but,

Okay. But how can we be different people? Is this a public/private divide, or a multiplicty?

How can we not be different people? We are not always in agreement with ourselves; in fact, we are often perplexed and confused as to that which we really want. Our personalities, ideas, and beliefs do not remain static; they define us, and more oft than not, they define the pluralities of who we are.


Perhaps, Buddhism is a cure for Western dualism. I have not studied this approach like he claims.

I'm both a dualist and a monist. I believe the world is divided yet one.


at times, certain characteristics of who we are get more attention.

I think my theory would be that knowledge is fragmented. We cut it up into neat pieces like cake. Ultimately the pieces do not fit the blank spaces. Like a corrupt jigsaw piece.

Squares in circles?

A personality must be fragmented before it can be integrated. We, like the collective, are many parts yet one body. Parts are in agreement and disagreement; if they weren't in agreement, there could be no association; if they weren't in disagreement, they wouldn't be parts.


So we give more attention to the 'dominant' strands of knowledge. Like an overburdened Super over the Ego? Also, 'minor' compared to the 'dominant' is hidden.

That which has greater value has greater expense. The more something is worth to us, the greater our sacrifice must be. It is value that we boast; not that which is worthless; for, that is shameful.


Mathametics for example is a main stream. However, Love is considered a minor stream.

Both give life to the thirsty.


Oversaturation of information. Knowledge is like Cancer.

Oversaturation of anything is like a cancer.
FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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10/22/2014 8:10:39 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 9:27:40 PM, xXCryptoXx wrote:
Can we put this into the Hall of Fame?

Yes. You have my permission.
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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10/22/2014 8:15:51 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 9:38:59 PM, fazz wrote:
But how can we be different people?

The self is only an idea. You are not separate from everything around you. You are as many people as you define yourself to be.

You may say there are different people living inside you, as a metaphor. But all conceptions of self are metaphor.

Metaphors are very important--like toilet paper--they get you out of sticky situations.
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
Roukezian
Posts: 1,711
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10/23/2014 12:34:38 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
You may say there are different people living inside you, as a metaphor. But all conceptions of self are metaphor.

i agree with that to some extent. Personal identity is most likely a myth that helps us refer to our nonexistent selves for communication and even self-perception purposes, when we are more like duplicates of an almost identical biological nature, each filling a role in a holistic society that defines us more our nature and delusions of personal identity could ever define it. However, wouldn't the shift from one personality to another require a third point-of-view that doesn't change but is familiar with the changes happening and yet still static and never-changing in its nature, and if that existed, wouldn't that as a conception of a self, be more than just a metaphor as it is continuously persistent and static?
RoyLatham
Posts: 4,488
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10/24/2014 2:13:46 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
"I'm not afraid to die," I said. "I'm not afraid to live.
I'm not afraid to fail. I'm not afraid to succeed.
I'm not afraid to fall in love. I'm not afraid to be alone.
I'm just afraid I might have to stop talking about myself for five minutes."
-- Kinky Friedman, (American philosopher and Jewish cowboy)

Don't worry. You are still young. You'll grow out of it.