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Edit my essay!

9spaceking
Posts: 4,213
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10/18/2014 7:03:42 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
I've seen some incredible story writers. There must be some awesome essay writers too. I need to improve my best essay ever written! I'll take any suggestions!
http://9king.deviantart.com...
And yes this is indeed the peak of my writing style, that is the best I can do without any outsiders' help
Equestrian election
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This House would impose democracy
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Reign of Terror is unjustified
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Raise min. wage to $10.10
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Cermank
Posts: 3,773
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10/18/2014 8:44:47 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 7:03:42 AM, 9spaceking wrote:
I've seen some incredible story writers. There must be some awesome essay writers too. I need to improve my best essay ever written! I'll take any suggestions!
http://9king.deviantart.com...
And yes this is indeed the peak of my writing style, that is the best I can do without any outsiders' help

That is really good, 9space!

Just some suggestions: 1. try using less hyperboles. You don't want people to dismiss what you've written without even getting to the main part. So like in the beginning- a man having no friends because he has a bad breath seems a tad bit comedic, if that was the intent- kudos. But I would have dome away with the causation between bad breath and having no friends.

2. The HIV stat is a strong one. Cite it, it gives out a better impression. Better yet- use this: http://www.citationmachine.net... Saves time and looks professional. [ You don't need to use it given you are just 15, but this is a habit you should develop regardless. Would help].

3. .Placement. You started explaining the negative effects of cigarettes, moved onto explain the viewpoint of people who do not agree with you, and then moved back to explain why cigarettes were bad. Explain all the reasons why cigarettes are bad first, then go on to explain the opposite viewpoint.

Keep writing :D
9spaceking
Posts: 4,213
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10/18/2014 8:47:02 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 8:44:47 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 10/18/2014 7:03:42 AM, 9spaceking wrote:
I've seen some incredible story writers. There must be some awesome essay writers too. I need to improve my best essay ever written! I'll take any suggestions!
http://9king.deviantart.com...
And yes this is indeed the peak of my writing style, that is the best I can do without any outsiders' help

That is really good, 9space!

Just some suggestions: 1. try using less hyperboles. You don't want people to dismiss what you've written without even getting to the main part. So like in the beginning- a man having no friends because he has a bad breath seems a tad bit comedic, if that was the intent- kudos. But I would have dome away with the causation between bad breath and having no friends.
interesting...

2. The HIV stat is a strong one. Cite it, it gives out a better impression. Better yet- use this: http://www.citationmachine.net... Saves time and looks professional. [ You don't need to use it given you are just 15, but this is a habit you should develop regardless. Would help].
ah cool.

3. .Placement. You started explaining the negative effects of cigarettes, moved onto explain the viewpoint of people who do not agree with you, and then moved back to explain why cigarettes were bad. Explain all the reasons why cigarettes are bad first, then go on to explain the opposite viewpoint.
All the reasons? But the counter points and the rebuttals to counter-points are very relevant to my original harms (first hand vs the addiction first hands bring, very inter-related)

Keep writing :D
thx.
Equestrian election
http://www.debate.org...

This House would impose democracy
http://www.debate.org...

Reign of Terror is unjustified
http://www.debate.org...

Raise min. wage to $10.10
http://www.debate.org...
Cermank
Posts: 3,773
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10/18/2014 9:04:55 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 8:47:02 AM, 9spaceking wrote:
At 10/18/2014 8:44:47 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 10/18/2014 7:03:42 AM, 9spaceking wrote:
I've seen some incredible story writers. There must be some awesome essay writers too. I need to improve my best essay ever written! I'll take any suggestions!
http://9king.deviantart.com...
And yes this is indeed the peak of my writing style, that is the best I can do without any outsiders' help

That is really good, 9space!

Just some suggestions: 1. try using less hyperboles. You don't want people to dismiss what you've written without even getting to the main part. So like in the beginning- a man having no friends because he has a bad breath seems a tad bit comedic, if that was the intent- kudos. But I would have dome away with the causation between bad breath and having no friends.
interesting...

2. The HIV stat is a strong one. Cite it, it gives out a better impression. Better yet- use this: http://www.citationmachine.net... Saves time and looks professional. [ You don't need to use it given you are just 15, but this is a habit you should develop regardless. Would help].
ah cool.

3. .Placement. You started explaining the negative effects of cigarettes, moved onto explain the viewpoint of people who do not agree with you, and then moved back to explain why cigarettes were bad. Explain all the reasons why cigarettes are bad first, then go on to explain the opposite viewpoint.
All the reasons? But the counter points and the rebuttals to counter-points are very relevant to my original harms (first hand vs the addiction first hands bring, very inter-related)

You pointed out the chemicals, passive smoking, cost, fire hazards and environment After the chemicals point, you explained how some people might believe banning cigarettes as being against their freedom of choice, and then counter argued against it saying they are addicted and hence its not a choice per say, right? It would help if it was a different placement, either not a different paragraph and followed the first one with a larger focus on addiction due to dopamine, OR followed all the reasons, separately.

An examiner going through the essay is going to graph your essay in her head and a different para explaining counter viewpoint in the middle will have a negative impact.

Keep writing :D
thx.
9spaceking
Posts: 4,213
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10/18/2014 11:12:58 AM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 10/18/2014 9:04:55 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 10/18/2014 8:47:02 AM, 9spaceking wrote:
At 10/18/2014 8:44:47 AM, Cermank wrote:
At 10/18/2014 7:03:42 AM, 9spaceking wrote:
I've seen some incredible story writers. There must be some awesome essay writers too. I need to improve my best essay ever written! I'll take any suggestions!
http://9king.deviantart.com...
And yes this is indeed the peak of my writing style, that is the best I can do without any outsiders' help

That is really good, 9space!

Just some suggestions: 1. try using less hyperboles. You don't want people to dismiss what you've written without even getting to the main part. So like in the beginning- a man having no friends because he has a bad breath seems a tad bit comedic, if that was the intent- kudos. But I would have dome away with the causation between bad breath and having no friends.
interesting...

2. The HIV stat is a strong one. Cite it, it gives out a better impression. Better yet- use this: http://www.citationmachine.net... Saves time and looks professional. [ You don't need to use it given you are just 15, but this is a habit you should develop regardless. Would help].
ah cool.

3. .Placement. You started explaining the negative effects of cigarettes, moved onto explain the viewpoint of people who do not agree with you, and then moved back to explain why cigarettes were bad. Explain all the reasons why cigarettes are bad first, then go on to explain the opposite viewpoint.
All the reasons? But the counter points and the rebuttals to counter-points are very relevant to my original harms (first hand vs the addiction first hands bring, very inter-related)

You pointed out the chemicals, passive smoking, cost, fire hazards and environment After the chemicals point, you explained how some people might believe banning cigarettes as being against their freedom of choice, and then counter argued against it saying they are addicted and hence its not a choice per say, right? It would help if it was a different placement, either not a different paragraph and followed the first one with a larger focus on addiction due to dopamine, OR followed all the reasons, separately.

An examiner going through the essay is going to graph your essay in her head and a different para explaining counter viewpoint in the middle will have a negative impact.
hmmm...I suppose you're right. So....put negative point at 2cd-to-last paragraph?

Keep writing :D
thx.
Equestrian election
http://www.debate.org...

This House would impose democracy
http://www.debate.org...

Reign of Terror is unjustified
http://www.debate.org...

Raise min. wage to $10.10
http://www.debate.org...