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Advice needed about my gay friend

Garbanza
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11/20/2014 8:46:13 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
I'm pretty sure my friend's gay, but she hasn't come out. On the other hand, she's not very sexual and she's super-conservative (I mean, she hates people who are different), so maybe she doesn't need to come out. But then, I think, maybe she's not very sexual because she's only had sex with men and she didn't like it. On the other hand, fvck sex.

What should I do? Should I talk to her about it? I feel like by not saying anything, I'm sort of increasing the pressure on her to not say anything. She doesn't have any family and I'm probably her closest friend so I feel vaguely responsible and it's been going on for years now.
1harderthanyouthink
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11/20/2014 8:51:13 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
If she is the way you describe her, and she isn't gay, and you talked to her about it...how offended do you think she'd be?
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

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Garbanza
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11/20/2014 8:51:21 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
I forgot to say that she's really touchy about sexual orientation. There's this guy we know and I was wondering if he was gay (he wasn't) and she got really mad at me for days, and kept ranting on about making assumptions about people etc., and how just because people do this or that doesn't mean they're gay. So that's why I haven't mentioned it.
Garbanza
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11/20/2014 8:52:22 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:51:13 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
If she is the way you describe her, and she isn't gay, and you talked to her about it...how offended do you think she'd be?

very. I think.
Garbanza
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11/20/2014 8:53:15 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:52:22 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:51:13 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
If she is the way you describe her, and she isn't gay, and you talked to her about it...how offended do you think she'd be?

very. I think.

I mean, I think she'll be offended if she's gay or if she isn't. Either way.
1harderthanyouthink
Posts: 13,102
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11/20/2014 8:53:44 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:52:22 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:51:13 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
If she is the way you describe her, and she isn't gay, and you talked to her about it...how offended do you think she'd be?

very. I think.

Then I don't think it'd be prudent in the slightest to talk to her about it.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

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YYW
Posts: 36,289
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11/20/2014 8:55:14 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:46:13 PM, Garbanza wrote:
I'm pretty sure my friend's gay, but she hasn't come out. On the other hand, she's not very sexual and she's super-conservative (I mean, she hates people who are different), so maybe she doesn't need to come out. But then, I think, maybe she's not very sexual because she's only had sex with men and she didn't like it. On the other hand, fvck sex.

What should I do? Should I talk to her about it? I feel like by not saying anything, I'm sort of increasing the pressure on her to not say anything. She doesn't have any family and I'm probably her closest friend so I feel vaguely responsible and it's been going on for years now.

You should stop speculating about her personal life and respect her privacy.
Tsar of DDO
Garbanza
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11/20/2014 8:56:43 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:53:44 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:52:22 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:51:13 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
If she is the way you describe her, and she isn't gay, and you talked to her about it...how offended do you think she'd be?

very. I think.

Then I don't think it'd be prudent in the slightest to talk to her about it.

Not prudent, but I care about her. Of course you want the people you care about to live their best possible lives.
Garbanza
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11/20/2014 8:57:16 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:55:14 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:46:13 PM, Garbanza wrote:
I'm pretty sure my friend's gay, but she hasn't come out. On the other hand, she's not very sexual and she's super-conservative (I mean, she hates people who are different), so maybe she doesn't need to come out. But then, I think, maybe she's not very sexual because she's only had sex with men and she didn't like it. On the other hand, fvck sex.

What should I do? Should I talk to her about it? I feel like by not saying anything, I'm sort of increasing the pressure on her to not say anything. She doesn't have any family and I'm probably her closest friend so I feel vaguely responsible and it's been going on for years now.

You should stop speculating about her personal life and respect her privacy.

No can do.
1harderthanyouthink
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11/20/2014 8:58:14 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:56:43 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:53:44 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:52:22 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:51:13 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
If she is the way you describe her, and she isn't gay, and you talked to her about it...how offended do you think she'd be?

very. I think.

Then I don't think it'd be prudent in the slightest to talk to her about it.

Not prudent, but I care about her. Of course you want the people you care about to live their best possible lives.

Think! If she truly is how you describe her, and you offended her to the level you probably would if you had this conversation, she would probably stop talking to you.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

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1harderthanyouthink
Posts: 13,102
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11/20/2014 8:58:44 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:57:16 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:55:14 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:46:13 PM, Garbanza wrote:
I'm pretty sure my friend's gay, but she hasn't come out. On the other hand, she's not very sexual and she's super-conservative (I mean, she hates people who are different), so maybe she doesn't need to come out. But then, I think, maybe she's not very sexual because she's only had sex with men and she didn't like it. On the other hand, fvck sex.

What should I do? Should I talk to her about it? I feel like by not saying anything, I'm sort of increasing the pressure on her to not say anything. She doesn't have any family and I'm probably her closest friend so I feel vaguely responsible and it's been going on for years now.

You should stop speculating about her personal life and respect her privacy.

No can do.

This is how people get hurt. Gossip isn't friendly.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

DDO Risk King
Garbanza
Posts: 1,997
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11/20/2014 8:58:44 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:55:14 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:46:13 PM, Garbanza wrote:
I'm pretty sure my friend's gay, but she hasn't come out. On the other hand, she's not very sexual and she's super-conservative (I mean, she hates people who are different), so maybe she doesn't need to come out. But then, I think, maybe she's not very sexual because she's only had sex with men and she didn't like it. On the other hand, fvck sex.

What should I do? Should I talk to her about it? I feel like by not saying anything, I'm sort of increasing the pressure on her to not say anything. She doesn't have any family and I'm probably her closest friend so I feel vaguely responsible and it's been going on for years now.

You should stop speculating about her personal life and respect her privacy.

It's not about respecting privacy. we're really close friends. She keeps talking about how lonely she is and how she wants intimacy and children, and stuff, and how she hates the expectations of society and blah blah blah. So we're having those sorts of conversations all the time.
YYW
Posts: 36,289
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11/20/2014 8:59:09 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:57:16 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:55:14 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:46:13 PM, Garbanza wrote:
I'm pretty sure my friend's gay, but she hasn't come out. On the other hand, she's not very sexual and she's super-conservative (I mean, she hates people who are different), so maybe she doesn't need to come out. But then, I think, maybe she's not very sexual because she's only had sex with men and she didn't like it. On the other hand, fvck sex.

What should I do? Should I talk to her about it? I feel like by not saying anything, I'm sort of increasing the pressure on her to not say anything. She doesn't have any family and I'm probably her closest friend so I feel vaguely responsible and it's been going on for years now.

You should stop speculating about her personal life and respect her privacy.

No can do.

That's regretful, for your friend.
Tsar of DDO
YYW
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11/20/2014 9:01:03 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 8:58:44 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:55:14 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 8:46:13 PM, Garbanza wrote:
I'm pretty sure my friend's gay, but she hasn't come out. On the other hand, she's not very sexual and she's super-conservative (I mean, she hates people who are different), so maybe she doesn't need to come out. But then, I think, maybe she's not very sexual because she's only had sex with men and she didn't like it. On the other hand, fvck sex.

What should I do? Should I talk to her about it? I feel like by not saying anything, I'm sort of increasing the pressure on her to not say anything. She doesn't have any family and I'm probably her closest friend so I feel vaguely responsible and it's been going on for years now.

You should stop speculating about her personal life and respect her privacy.

It's not about respecting privacy. we're really close friends.

That you're "really close" does not mean that you share everything, or that she should. She will tell you when she is ready, if she's gay. If you're imagining things (which is a possibility) then you're precipitously close to damaging your friendship with her whether you realize it or not.

She keeps talking about how lonely she is and how she wants intimacy and children, and stuff, and how she hates the expectations of society and blah blah blah. So we're having those sorts of conversations all the time.

And your point?
Tsar of DDO
Garbanza
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11/20/2014 9:01:12 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Oh well. Thanks for the advice. That's why i haven't mentioned it already, because it's probably bad to. I just wish she'd figure something out for herself, and I just want her to know that I love her either way, and I think she mustn't know that is all.
Garbanza
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11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!
1harderthanyouthink
Posts: 13,102
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11/20/2014 9:09:12 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

Poor decision...

Even if you are right, she might not admit it.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

DDO Risk King
Garbanza
Posts: 1,997
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11/20/2014 9:11:25 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:09:12 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

Poor decision...

Even if you are right, she might not admit it.

Okay. I'll think it over some more.
YYW
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11/20/2014 9:13:22 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

Go for it. You're probably going to lose a friend... but that might not be such a bad thing.
Tsar of DDO
Garbanza
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11/20/2014 9:14:02 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:13:22 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

Go for it. You're probably going to lose a friend... but that might not be such a bad thing.

Why are you always such an @sshole? Not rhetorical. I'm really curious. Why?
1harderthanyouthink
Posts: 13,102
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11/20/2014 9:15:42 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:14:02 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:13:22 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

Go for it. You're probably going to lose a friend... but that might not be such a bad thing.

Why are you always such an @sshole? Not rhetorical. I'm really curious. Why?

*Shakes head*
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

DDO Risk King
Cermank
Posts: 3,773
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11/20/2014 9:16:15 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

If it were me, I would have taken it on me. " I really do think I'm a lesbian. Men suck yo" and all that. Test the waters.
YYW
Posts: 36,289
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11/20/2014 9:16:59 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:14:02 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:13:22 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

Go for it. You're probably going to lose a friend... but that might not be such a bad thing.

Why are you always such an @sshole? Not rhetorical. I'm really curious. Why?

You know it's funny... I'm not. You asked for advice, and I gave it. You have certain feelings about my advice, and now you're reacting on that basis. You're free to be offended, but it's not really something I'm concerned with.

You can do what I said because I know more about this than you do, or you can not and screw up your friendship. Either are ok with me, and your friend is probably better off not being your friend if you aren't even considerate enough to respect her privacy.
Tsar of DDO
Garbanza
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11/20/2014 9:17:17 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:16:15 PM, Cermank wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

If it were me, I would have taken it on me. " I really do think I'm a lesbian. Men suck yo" and all that. Test the waters.

Hey that's a great idea. I'll do that. Thanks!
1harderthanyouthink
Posts: 13,102
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11/20/2014 9:20:05 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:17:17 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:16:15 PM, Cermank wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

If it were me, I would have taken it on me. " I really do think I'm a lesbian. Men suck yo" and all that. Test the waters.

Hey that's a great idea. I'll do that. Thanks!

*Shakes head again*

Think before you do. Think before you speak.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

DDO Risk King
Garbanza
Posts: 1,997
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11/20/2014 9:20:48 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:16:59 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:14:02 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:13:22 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

Go for it. You're probably going to lose a friend... but that might not be such a bad thing.

Why are you always such an @sshole? Not rhetorical. I'm really curious. Why?

You know it's funny... I'm not. You asked for advice, and I gave it. You have certain feelings about my advice, and now you're reacting on that basis. You're free to be offended, but it's not really something I'm concerned with.

You can do what I said because I know more about this than you do, or you can not and screw up your friendship. Either are ok with me, and your friend is probably better off not being your friend if you aren't even considerate enough to respect her privacy.

^ that's the @sshole bit. That my friend is better off without me, because I'm wondering if I should discuss her sexuality. Please note, that I am NOT bringing it up IRL with anyone who could ever know her for this very reason that I don't want to gossip about her. If I wasn't her friend, then I wouldn't bother with the drama of mentioning it, but because I care about her, it bugs me to see her unhappy.

And for you to say she's better off without me is just pointless and mean. And every time you've spoken to me or about me since I've started on this site, you've been pointless and mean. You said I was bilge and laughed when Foolonthehill called me garbage and now you say my friends are better off without me,

Yes, you're being an @sshole.
Garbanza
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11/20/2014 9:24:37 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:20:05 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:17:17 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:16:15 PM, Cermank wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

If it were me, I would have taken it on me. " I really do think I'm a lesbian. Men suck yo" and all that. Test the waters.

Hey that's a great idea. I'll do that. Thanks!

*Shakes head again*

Think before you do. Think before you speak.

I'll probably be too scared when the time comes anyway.
YYW
Posts: 36,289
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11/20/2014 9:25:51 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:20:48 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:16:59 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:14:02 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:13:22 PM, YYW wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

Go for it. You're probably going to lose a friend... but that might not be such a bad thing.

Why are you always such an @sshole? Not rhetorical. I'm really curious. Why?

You know it's funny... I'm not. You asked for advice, and I gave it. You have certain feelings about my advice, and now you're reacting on that basis. You're free to be offended, but it's not really something I'm concerned with.

You can do what I said because I know more about this than you do, or you can not and screw up your friendship. Either are ok with me, and your friend is probably better off not being your friend if you aren't even considerate enough to respect her privacy.

^ that's the @sshole bit. That my friend is better off without me, because I'm wondering if I should discuss her sexuality. Please note, that I am NOT bringing it up IRL with anyone who could ever know her for this very reason that I don't want to gossip about her. If I wasn't her friend, then I wouldn't bother with the drama of mentioning it, but because I care about her, it bugs me to see her unhappy.

And for you to say she's better off without me is just pointless and mean. And every time you've spoken to me or about me since I've started on this site, you've been pointless and mean. You said I was bilge and laughed when Foolonthehill called me garbage and now you say my friends are better off without me,

Yes, you're being an @sshole.

You think I'm an a$shole because I'm pointing out the impact that your failure to be sensitive to your friend's feelings will have on your friendship, and the implications of your violating her privacy. I assume you think this because you have no idea what it feels like to be gay, and to not be out.

Suggesting that you might be a lesbian is basically tricking your friend, and not only is it stupid, it's a flagrant violation of her trust. You're basically cat fishing at that point -but do what you will.
Tsar of DDO
Garbanza
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11/20/2014 9:28:11 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:25:51 PM, YYW wrote:

You think I'm an a$shole because I'm pointing out the impact that your failure to be sensitive to your friend's feelings will have on your friendship, and the implications of your violating her privacy. I assume you think this because you have no idea what it feels like to be gay, and to not be out.

No I think you're an @sshole because you said my friend would be better off without me.

Suggesting that you might be a lesbian is basically tricking your friend, and not only is it stupid, it's a flagrant violation of her trust. You're basically cat fishing at that point -but do what you will.

I never thought of it like that, but you're right.
YYW
Posts: 36,289
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11/20/2014 9:28:21 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
At 11/20/2014 9:24:37 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:20:05 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:17:17 PM, Garbanza wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:16:15 PM, Cermank wrote:
At 11/20/2014 9:07:21 PM, Garbanza wrote:
On the other hand, fvck you guys. I'm going to get drunk and bring it up tonight. Decision made. Thanks!

If it were me, I would have taken it on me. " I really do think I'm a lesbian. Men suck yo" and all that. Test the waters.

Hey that's a great idea. I'll do that. Thanks!

*Shakes head again*

Think before you do. Think before you speak.

I'll probably be too scared when the time comes anyway.

Well... you should be, if having integrity is something that matters to you. Deceiving your friend to get her to come out to you is wrong because it is manipulative and a violation of her trust.
Tsar of DDO