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Poem help.

Rubikx
Posts: 226
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2/9/2015 10:07:22 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
I have been assigned a school project where i have to write a poem about the things i carry (physical and non-physical). its loosely based off the the short story "The things they carried" by Tim O'Brien. I have no experience writing poetry and I would really appreciate any feedback about whats good, whats bad and how i could improve it. Don't be afraid to tell me its bad, but if you do at least tell me how it could be better. I am looking for any and all constructive criticism. Thank you.

Criteria for the assignment
* have at least 20 lines
* at least 5 tangible things and 10 intangible things
* at least one metaphor
* 2 personifications
* 3 strong images

Things I carry

Of all the baggage I carry
Which weighs on me the most?

I carry books and bags.
I carry pencils and pens.
I carry paper and notepads.
I carry ipods and earphones.

But all these things
Are not what weigh me down

What weighs me down the most
Are my memories.

I remember
Family
I remember
foes.

I carry knowledge.
I carry friendship.
I carry Loss.
I carry Gain.
These are my memories

I carry my life
I carry my soul
I carry myself

These are the things that weigh me down.
And that lift me up.

My memories weigh me down,
Like rocks tied around my ankles.
Dragging me into the depths
My memories lift me up
Like a buoy in the ocean.

The things I carry.
They are my prison
They are my partners in crime
They are my jailers
And the judge that set me free.
VelCrow
Posts: 1,273
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2/10/2015 10:32:47 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Ill try my best to help u. Do note Im a lover of ABAB format poems. Hope you dont mind if i modify a few lines.

At 2/9/2015 10:07:22 PM, Rubikx wrote:

Things I carry

Of all the baggage I carry
Which weighs on me the most?
Some are physically heavy,
Others light as a ghost.

(lol. like I say, im a fan of ABAB format.)


I carry books and bags.
I carry pencils and pens.
I carry paper and notepads.
I carry ipods and earphones.

I carry books and bags.
with pencils and pens.
I carry paper and notepads.
And cameras with lens.

(Dont repeat "I carry" too many times. It gets dull.)


But all these things
Are not what weigh me down

What weighs me down the most
Are my memories.

I remember
Family
I remember
foes.

I carry knowledge.
I carry friendship.
I carry Loss.
I carry Gain.
These are my memories

I carry my life
I carry my soul
I carry myself


These are the things that weigh me down.
And that lift me up.


Cant do much here. Like i said too much repetition gets dull. Then again only my 2 cents.

My memories weigh me down,
Like rocks tied around my ankles.
Dragging me into the depths
My memories lift me up
Like a buoy in the ocean.

My memories weigh me down,
Like rocks tied around my ankles,
Like I'm about to drown,
And I cant rid these shackles.

But at times they lift me high,
Like a buoy in the ocean,
Or a kite flying in the sky,
They fill me with emotions

(not exactly ABAB hahaha.. But spoken out it still sounds similar)


The things I carry.
They are my prison
They are my partners in crime
They are my jailers
And the judge that set me free.

The things I carry,
At times my prison,
They make me tarry,
Some times without reason,

But the things I carry,
Sour and yet sweet,
Like having a strawberry,
They make me complete.

Hope you like it :)
"Ah....So when god "Taught you" online, did he have a user name like "Darthmaulrules1337", and did he talk in all caps?" ~ Axonly

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Rubikx
Posts: 226
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2/10/2015 5:06:58 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/10/2015 10:32:47 AM, VelCrow wrote:
Ill try my best to help u. Do note Im a lover of ABAB format poems. Hope you dont mind if i modify a few lines.

At 2/9/2015 10:07:22 PM, Rubikx wrote:

Things I carry

Of all the baggage I carry
Which weighs on me the most?
Some are physically heavy,
Others light as a ghost.

(lol. like I say, im a fan of ABAB format.)


I carry books and bags.
I carry pencils and pens.
I carry paper and notepads.
I carry ipods and earphones.

I carry books and bags.
with pencils and pens.
I carry paper and notepads.
And cameras with lens.

(Dont repeat "I carry" too many times. It gets dull.)


But all these things
Are not what weigh me down

What weighs me down the most
Are my memories.

I remember
Family
I remember
foes.

I carry knowledge.
I carry friendship.
I carry Loss.
I carry Gain.
These are my memories

I carry my life
I carry my soul
I carry myself


These are the things that weigh me down.
And that lift me up.


Cant do much here. Like i said too much repetition gets dull. Then again only my 2 cents.

My memories weigh me down,
Like rocks tied around my ankles.
Dragging me into the depths
My memories lift me up
Like a buoy in the ocean.

My memories weigh me down,
Like rocks tied around my ankles,
Like I'm about to drown,
And I cant rid these shackles.

But at times they lift me high,
Like a buoy in the ocean,
Or a kite flying in the sky,
They fill me with emotions

(not exactly ABAB hahaha.. But spoken out it still sounds similar)


The things I carry.
They are my prison
They are my partners in crime
They are my jailers
And the judge that set me free.

The things I carry,
At times my prison,
They make me tarry,
Some times without reason,

But the things I carry,
Sour and yet sweet,
Like having a strawberry,
They make me complete.

Hope you like it :)

Thankyou! I have no experience with poetry so this has helped a lot thank you.