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How do you deal with harrowing events of past

Zarroette
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2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.
1harderthanyouthink
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2/14/2015 11:59:20 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I don't think anyone is ever be able to move on completely from such things...anyone who says they have is most likely masking their feelings.

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.

Talk about it with close friends. That's what I do. I'm never able to calm down immediately, but talking to friends makes it easier.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

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Beginner
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2/15/2015 12:00:19 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Sometimes I trick myself into believing that there's an afterlife. Sometimes I think nihilism.
Senpai has noticed you.
Zarroette
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2/15/2015 12:03:26 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/14/2015 11:59:20 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I don't think anyone is ever be able to move on completely from such things...anyone who says they have is most likely masking their feelings.

Then how do you deal with not being able to move on?


I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.

Talk about it with close friends. That's what I do. I'm never able to calm down immediately, but talking to friends makes it easier.

Okay, I should try doing this. Is this all you can do?
1harderthanyouthink
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2/15/2015 12:08:48 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/15/2015 12:03:26 AM, Zarroette wrote:
At 2/14/2015 11:59:20 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I don't think anyone is ever be able to move on completely from such things...anyone who says they have is most likely masking their feelings.

Then how do you deal with not being able to move on?

See the below. Nobody says getting over such things is easy, or even possible: the presence of the people who care helps cope.

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.

Talk about it with close friends. That's what I do. I'm never able to calm down immediately, but talking to friends makes it easier.

Okay, I should try doing this. Is this all you can do?

Yep...
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

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Zarroette
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2/15/2015 12:09:48 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/15/2015 12:08:48 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 2/15/2015 12:03:26 AM, Zarroette wrote:
At 2/14/2015 11:59:20 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I don't think anyone is ever be able to move on completely from such things...anyone who says they have is most likely masking their feelings.

Then how do you deal with not being able to move on?

See the below. Nobody says getting over such things is easy, or even possible: the presence of the people who care helps cope.

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.

Talk about it with close friends. That's what I do. I'm never able to calm down immediately, but talking to friends makes it easier.

Okay, I should try doing this. Is this all you can do?

Yep...

Okay, thank you for the help.
1harderthanyouthink
Posts: 13,098
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2/15/2015 12:10:25 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/15/2015 12:09:48 AM, Zarroette wrote:
At 2/15/2015 12:08:48 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 2/15/2015 12:03:26 AM, Zarroette wrote:
At 2/14/2015 11:59:20 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I don't think anyone is ever be able to move on completely from such things...anyone who says they have is most likely masking their feelings.

Then how do you deal with not being able to move on?

See the below. Nobody says getting over such things is easy, or even possible: the presence of the people who care helps cope.

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.

Talk about it with close friends. That's what I do. I'm never able to calm down immediately, but talking to friends makes it easier.

Okay, I should try doing this. Is this all you can do?

Yep...

Okay, thank you for the help.

Not a problem.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

DDO Risk King
PetersSmith
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2/15/2015 12:21:54 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.

Freud says that bringing unconscious memories to the conscious is one of the best ways to deal with them.
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Skepsikyma
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2/15/2015 12:34:30 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I spent some years as a Buddhist. A big part of the religion's teachings is self-discipline and detachment, and I used a lot of those techniques to get beyond hard things like that. You need to reach a state of mind where, instead of simply letting emotions and thoughts surface or run in a loop, you can stop, examine their nature, where they came from, and how they are affecting you. It helps you to essentially step out of yourself and examine the workings of your own mind. In this way, you can take the emotions and cut them from the traumatic context, so that you don't get caught up in that brutal mental circle.

"As rain breaks through an ill-thatched house, passion will break through an unreflecting mind."
- Dhammapada 1:13

I've taken to reading Stoic authors in the last few years, and have found similar sentiments of self-control. I recommend Seneca's Letters if you want a crash course; they're a very enlightening read. Here's a snippet from Epictetus, discussing the idea of self-control in relation to insults:

"If a person gave your body to any stranger he met on his way, you would certainly be angry. And do you feel no shame in handing over your own mind to be confused and mystified by anyone who happens to verbally attack you?"
- The Enchiridion -

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.
"The Collectivist experiment is thoroughly suited (in appearance at least) to the Capitalist society which it proposes to replace. It works with the existing machinery of Capitalism, talks and thinks in the existing terms of Capitalism, appeals to just those appetites which Capitalism has aroused, and ridicules as fantastic and unheard-of just those things in society the memory of which Capitalism has killed among men wherever the blight of it has spread."
- Hilaire Belloc -
Cermank
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2/15/2015 12:49:40 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.

I'd second Skep. One of the biggest reason I turned to Buddhism was because of its philosophy of detachment, which works *very* well for me. I'd say try meditation, but it's pretty difficult for me. If you can, definitely try meditation.

What works for me, however, is a conscious decision to stop thinking about stuff. So teh thought process goes something like- 'Is *that* going to have any impact on anything I'm doing right now. And if not, trying to consciously focus on the present- or stuff I'm doing. It works for me, i realize it might not be the answer you were looking for- but I think this can be helpful. the first few tries are hard- but it does become a habit after a while.
Skepsikyma
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2/15/2015 1:17:06 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
I hunted this letter down; I do believe that I have a different translation in my copy, but this is some of the best advice for dealing with death that I've ever come across:

"If we take the word of Attalus for it, "to think of friends who are alive and well is like enjoying a meal of cakes and honey; the recollection of friends who have passed away gives a pleasure that is not without a touch of bitterness. Yet who will deny that even these things, which are bitter and contain an element of sourness, do serve to arouse the stomach?" For my part, I do not agree with him. To me, the thought of my dead friends is sweet and appealing. For I have had them as if I should one day lose them; I have lost them as if I have them still.

Therefore, Lucilius, act as befits your own serenity of mind, and cease to put a wrong interpretation on the gifts of Fortune. Fortune has taken away, but Fortune has given. Let us greedily enjoy our friends, because we do not know how long this privilege will be ours. Let us think how often we shall leave them when we go upon distant journeys, and how often we shall fail to see them when we tarry together in the same place; we shall thus understand that we have lost too much of their time while they were alive. But will you tolerate men who are most careless of their friends, and then mourn them most abjectly, and do not love anyone unless they have lost him? The reason why they lament too unrestrainedly at such times is that they are afraid lest men doubt whether they really have loved; all too late they seek for proofs of their emotions. If we have other friends, we surely deserve ill at their hands and think ill of them, if they are of so little account that they fail to console us for the loss of one. If, on the other hand, we have no other friends, we have injured ourselves more than Fortune has injured us; since Fortune has robbed us of one friend, but we have robbed ourselves of every friend whom we have failed to make. Again, he who has been unable to love more than one, has had none too much love even for that one. If a man who has lost his one and only tunic through robbery chooses to bewail his plight rather than look about him for some way to escape the cold, or for something with which to cover his shoulders, would you not think him an utter fool?

You have buried one whom you loved; look about for someone to love. It is better to replace your friend than to weep for him. What I am about to add is, I know, a very hackneyed remark, but I shall not omit it simply because it is a common phrase: a man ends his grief by the mere passing of time, even if he has not ended it of his own accord. But the most shameful cure for sorrow, in the case of a sensible man, is to grow weary of sorrowing. I should prefer you to abandon grief, rather than have grief abandon you; and you should stop grieving as soon as possible, since, even if you wish to do so, it is impossible to keep it up for a long time. Our forefathers have enacted that, in the case of women, a year should be the limit for mourning; not that they needed to mourn for so long, but that they should mourn no longer. In the case of men, no rules are laid down, because to mourn at all is not regarded as honourable. For all that, what woman can you show me, of all the pathetic females that could scarcely be dragged away from the funeral-pile or torn from the corpse, whose tears have lasted a whole month? Nothing becomes offensive so quickly as grief; when fresh, it finds someone to console it and attracts one or another to itself; but after becoming chronic, it is ridiculed, and rightly. For it is either assumed or foolish.

He who writes these words to you is no other than I, who wept so excessively for my dear friend Annaeus Serenus that, in spite of my wishes, I must be included among the examples of men who have been overcome by grief. Today, however, I condemn this act of mine, and I understand that the reason why I lamented so greatly was chiefly that I had never imagined it possible for his death to precede mine. The only thought which occurred to my mind was that he was the younger, and much younger, too, - as if the Fates kept to the order of our ages!

Therefore let us continually think as much about our own mortality as about that of all those we love. In former days I ought to have said: "My friend Serenus is younger than I; but what does that matter? He would naturally die after me, but he may precede me." It was just because I did not do this that I was unprepared when Fortune dealt me the sudden blow. Now is the time for you to reflect, not only that all things are mortal, but also that their mortality is subject to no fixed law. Whatever can happen at any time can happen today. Let us therefore reflect, my beloved Lucilius, that we shall soon come to the goal which this friend, to our own sorrow, has reached."
- Seneca's Moral Letters to Lucilius -
"The Collectivist experiment is thoroughly suited (in appearance at least) to the Capitalist society which it proposes to replace. It works with the existing machinery of Capitalism, talks and thinks in the existing terms of Capitalism, appeals to just those appetites which Capitalism has aroused, and ridicules as fantastic and unheard-of just those things in society the memory of which Capitalism has killed among men wherever the blight of it has spread."
- Hilaire Belloc -
sadolite
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2/15/2015 7:39:48 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.

I am surprised you even have this problem.
It's not your views that divide us, it's what you think my views should be that divides us.

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Vox_Veritas
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2/15/2015 8:01:15 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.

You cannot get something out of your mind by not thinking about anything, because as long as you are conscious your brain will be thinking about something.
I don't think that I have ever been in a situation like this, but here's my advice anyway:

Find something else to think about. Find something which you really want to dwell on, and think about that instead.
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Zarroette
Posts: 2,951
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2/15/2015 6:06:59 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Thank you everyone who has posted here thus far. I have read and considered everything multiple times. I will try applying everything mentioned here to see what works best.
YamaVonKarma
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2/15/2015 6:28:01 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
I remember that the people who judged, rejected, manipulated, and tried to bully me are nothing.
Now I'm attractive, successful, and have people who care for me.

My only advice is to get stronger and remember the phrase "Never more".
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Unlimited
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2/15/2015 11:36:07 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Well after suffering years of physical and psychological harassment from my peers, my subconscious divided my identity into six parts. I can assure you, it's a terrible tool in terms of moving on from events and serving a normal and sane life, but it also makes it very difficult for further harassment to cause problems. After all, you can't shatter dust. It will only leave you with dust.
debatability
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2/16/2015 12:37:32 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 2/14/2015 11:45:33 PM, Zarroette wrote:
Recently, I've been reminded of events that I would have like to have forgotten. When I get reminded of them, I get so caught up in them that I cannot seem to do much else until I eventually stop thinking about them (which can sometimes take hours). I don't know how people just move on with things like friend's suicides and physical attacks.

I am specifically NOT looking for this thread to be loaded with people feeling sorry for me; that's why I haven't gone into any details. I was just wondering how people deal with things like these, especially when they get reminded of them.

I've never been through anything particularly traumatizing so perhaps I'm not the best person to be giving advice. In my limited experience, I've found that the best way for me to forget about unpleasant events surrounding me is to throw myself into my school work. The best way of escape is doing something that forces you to think about something entirely different than the situation at hand.

It's good to talk and think about unpleasant events initially because communicating and processing things is a form of release. However, if you can't seem to stop dwelling on an undesirable event that has happened awhile ago, that's when options that force you to redirect your attention are important. Studies are the perfect way to do this. Put yourself in a setting where you can achieve maximum productivity and force yourself to get as much work done as possible. I find that when I'm sad or upset about something I tend to be more productive in school because I force myself to work to take my mind off of whatever is bothering me at the moment. I'm not sure if that works for everyone, or if I'm just lucky enough to be able to throw myself into my studies without letting my emotions get in the way.

The other thing I'd suggest is removing yourself from whatever things trigger memories of that particular event. If some object or person or activity makes you feel upset, try avoid it for the time being.