Total Posts:18|Showing Posts:1-18
Jump to topic:

Not invited to church friends wedding

poehlerfan
Posts: 12
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/6/2015 1:22:01 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
I am so upset, this friend from church is having a wedding and
they have deleted me from Facebook and they only way I found out she was engaged was by a mutual friend. So I am pretty sure I wont be invited to the wedding even though this is someone I have known for years from church. And I just want to know why I wasn't invited, and I suspect it may be because of a falling out I had with her sister where she yelled at me for wanting to crash this other mutual friends wedding a few years ago. Would it be rude to just ask why I wasn't invited and make sure it wasn't because of this and she hates me?
RevNge
Posts: 13,835
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/6/2015 1:25:21 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/6/2015 1:22:01 PM, poehlerfan wrote:
I am so upset, this friend from church is having a wedding and
they have deleted me from Facebook and they only way I found out she was engaged was by a mutual friend. So I am pretty sure I wont be invited to the wedding even though this is someone I have known for years from church. And I just want to know why I wasn't invited, and I suspect it may be because of a falling out I had with her sister where she yelled at me for wanting to crash this other mutual friends wedding a few years ago. Would it be rude to just ask why I wasn't invited and make sure it wasn't because of this and she hates me?

lol what a scrub

(Just kidding)

From a third-person perspective (specifically mine ;D), you should definitely try to communicate with her and find out what's going on.
Maikuru
Posts: 9,112
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/6/2015 6:43:34 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
This is very interesting. I am currently planning my wedding and we're thinking about something fairly intimate. We've thought a lot about how people in our lives will handle not being invited, and this is the sort of reaction we're worried about.

From the planner's perspective, I think I would most appreciate someone speaking to us openly and honestly about their feelings, while understanding that not being invited isn't necessarily an attack against the individual.
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde

https://i.imgflip.com...
sadolite
Posts: 8,838
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/6/2015 7:26:39 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
http://www.bing.com...

Why you are not invited is also none of your business. Don't make it your business.
It's not your views that divide us, it's what you think my views should be that divides us.

If you think I will give up my rights and forsake social etiquette to make you "FEEL" better you are sadly mistaken

If liberal democrats would just stop shooting people gun violence would drop by 90%
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/6/2015 9:12:17 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/6/2015 6:43:34 PM, Maikuru wrote:
This is very interesting. I am currently planning my wedding and we're thinking about something fairly intimate. We've thought a lot about how people in our lives will handle not being invited, and this is the sort of reaction we're worried about.

From the planner's perspective, I think I would most appreciate someone speaking to us openly and honestly about their feelings, while understanding that not being invited isn't necessarily an attack against the individual.

Is this how I find out I'm not invited?!?

I wouldn't worry about it, to be honest. If anything, it is just bruised ego for not being invited, and if you tell people it is intimate, they should understand, and if they don't that's their problem, and they will get over it. (my family did)
My work here is, finally, done.
Maikuru
Posts: 9,112
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2015 12:07:45 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/6/2015 9:12:17 PM, Khaos_Mage wrote:
At 6/6/2015 6:43:34 PM, Maikuru wrote:
This is very interesting. I am currently planning my wedding and we're thinking about something fairly intimate. We've thought a lot about how people in our lives will handle not being invited, and this is the sort of reaction we're worried about.

From the planner's perspective, I think I would most appreciate someone speaking to us openly and honestly about their feelings, while understanding that not being invited isn't necessarily an attack against the individual.

Is this how I find out I'm not invited?!?

I wouldn't worry about it, to be honest. If anything, it is just bruised ego for not being invited, and if you tell people it is intimate, they should understand, and if they don't that's their problem, and they will get over it. (my family did)

Haha we'll probably post the pics on DDO.

You also had a small wedding? How exactly did you end up breaking it to the people who weren't invited? We've told most of the family but there are a few we are afraid of lol
"You assume I wouldn't want to burn this whole place to the ground."
- lamerde

https://i.imgflip.com...
Garbanza
Posts: 1,997
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2015 4:49:59 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/6/2015 1:22:01 PM, poehlerfan wrote:
Would it be rude to just ask why I wasn't invited and make sure it wasn't because of this and she hates me?

Depends, but yes I think about lot of people might see it as rude. . What you should do is approach her and say something like, "Blahblah told me you were engaged! I just wanted to come by and say how excited I am for you!" Then smile and maybe ask her about her dress or the guy or whatever. Then, you'll be able to read in her response what's up. That's what I would do anyway, but I'm hopeless at social stuff. Maybe just call her and ask directly. If you're properly friends it's not rude I guess.
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2015 9:19:27 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/7/2015 12:07:45 AM, Maikuru wrote:
At 6/6/2015 9:12:17 PM, Khaos_Mage wrote:
At 6/6/2015 6:43:34 PM, Maikuru wrote:
This is very interesting. I am currently planning my wedding and we're thinking about something fairly intimate. We've thought a lot about how people in our lives will handle not being invited, and this is the sort of reaction we're worried about.

From the planner's perspective, I think I would most appreciate someone speaking to us openly and honestly about their feelings, while understanding that not being invited isn't necessarily an attack against the individual.

Is this how I find out I'm not invited?!?

I wouldn't worry about it, to be honest. If anything, it is just bruised ego for not being invited, and if you tell people it is intimate, they should understand, and if they don't that's their problem, and they will get over it. (my family did)

Haha we'll probably post the pics on DDO.

You also had a small wedding? How exactly did you end up breaking it to the people who weren't invited? We've told most of the family but there are a few we are afraid of lol

Well, I'm not sure how well you know me, Maikuru, but it should be no surprise that I am socially awkward and etiquette is not my forte. Naturally, this stems from my family/upbringing (or genetics, but either way, my family's fault LOL). I'm not close to my family, nor do I have many friends (read: any), so, frankly, I did not tell them about the wedding at all, and dealt with it at at the annual Christmas gathering, where I told them it was due to short notice and money constraints.
Short notice: I literally called people on Monday and Tuesday and said "Hey, um, so me and her are getting married. Want to come?" "Of course." "Cool. It's Monday at 5:30PM". That is correct, they had less than one week notice. As I said, the whole planning to execution was about three weeks in total.

The wedding itself was crazy, as we threw it together in less than a month, as we went from wanting to get married at the courthouse, to getting married by a judge outside of the courthouse, to her wanting an audience. We invited immediate family and friends and close co-workers, and total attendance was, I think, 28.

To be honest, we regretted having a wedding, and should have eloped as originally planned. No one danced. People left early. And, my wife swallowed her pride and invited her family, who she wasn't talking to at the time, only to be pulled aside by her mother and be told how disappointed she was in the wedding and her daughter ON HER WEDDING NIGHT. Fvck her.

So, while we should have just eloped and had a honeymoon (which we have not, and it's been nearly five years), my situation is probably vastly different than yours, as you seem to be close to your family, as well as her being close to hers. More tact will be needed, and you have less excuses, in your not inviting these people.

I tell you the above as I doubt your circumstances are the same, both in dynamics and execution. Obviously, my "I'm not close to them and I don't care if they are upset" attitude does not help you.
How many people are you inviting? Why are you afraid of these people? As I said, if you are close to them, they should understand weddings are expensive, and if you can ease the pain by saying something like I did by saying "immediate family only", that shows it was nothing personal, and they should understand. And, again, if they are mad still, they must not be that compassionate to begin with, or you weren't close to them, so it shouldn't bother you they are upset, IMO.

Are you inviting your entire family, but not your brother or something like that? Because that is a more delicate situation. I'd give you advice, but I'd need details.

In short, I wouldn't worry about it and be upfront so they don't feel you, and others, were hiding this from them.
If you are afraid of their response, AND they are in a position where they feel they should be invited (like an uncle (typically invited), as opposed to an ex-spouse of your brother (typically not invited)), AND you are close to this person, then I would recommend telling them upfront they are not invited and give the reason, as opposed to hearing about the wedding from someone else, and thinking their invite is on the way. It's a respect play in that case.

If you are scared to tell them they aren't invited, and they have no reason to assume they would/should be invited, then they have no reason to be upset, and I'd refer to the respect play, if you are close to them.
My work here is, finally, done.
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2015 9:22:25 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/6/2015 1:22:01 PM, poehlerfan wrote:
I am so upset, this friend from church is having a wedding and
they have deleted me from Facebook and they only way I found out she was engaged was by a mutual friend. So I am pretty sure I wont be invited to the wedding even though this is someone I have known for years from church. And I just want to know why I wasn't invited, and I suspect it may be because of a falling out I had with her sister where she yelled at me for wanting to crash this other mutual friends wedding a few years ago. Would it be rude to just ask why I wasn't invited and make sure it wasn't because of this and she hates me?

It sounds like you have your answer already.
Clearly, she isn't your friend, so why should she invite you? Because you go to the same church?

I'm also confused: have invitations even gone out yet, since you say she is having a wedding, but you say she got engaged. Which is it? Some people are engaged for years before a wedding.
My work here is, finally, done.
Khaos_Mage
Posts: 23,214
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2015 9:26:52 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/7/2015 4:49:59 AM, Garbanza wrote:
At 6/6/2015 1:22:01 PM, poehlerfan wrote:
Would it be rude to just ask why I wasn't invited and make sure it wasn't because of this and she hates me?

Depends, but yes I think about lot of people might see it as rude. . What you should do is approach her and say something like, "Blahblah told me you were engaged! I just wanted to come by and say how excited I am for you!" Then smile and maybe ask her about her dress or the guy or whatever. Then, you'll be able to read in her response what's up. That's what I would do anyway, but I'm hopeless at social stuff. Maybe just call her and ask directly. If you're properly friends it's not rude I guess.

That might work if they were friends, but it seems this friendship has been terminated via Facebook, and the only claim to the friendship appears to be they are churchmates.
He mentioned he had a falling out with this friend's sister a few years ago, so, if that is a factor, the change in friendship should have been noticed over the last few years.

In either case, it doesn't sound like the OP and this person are good friends at this time.
My work here is, finally, done.
Wylted
Posts: 21,167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2015 9:53:30 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Don't communicate with them at all. You sound like one of those people that will guilt some nice people into inviting you to their wedding, when they're clearly trying to cut you out of their life.

However more information would help. Clearly they didn't just randomly delete you from facebook and randomly decide not to invite you. Why not provide the full context?
YYW
Posts: 36,289
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2015 3:13:39 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/6/2015 1:22:01 PM, poehlerfan wrote:
I am so upset, this friend from church is having a wedding and
they have deleted me from Facebook and they only way I found out she was engaged was by a mutual friend. So I am pretty sure I wont be invited to the wedding even though this is someone I have known for years from church. And I just want to know why I wasn't invited, and I suspect it may be because of a falling out I had with her sister where she yelled at me for wanting to crash this other mutual friends wedding a few years ago. Would it be rude to just ask why I wasn't invited and make sure it wasn't because of this and she hates me?

There is no reason to be distraught or hurt. Not being invited to a wedding is a good thing, in the end.

I have yet to go to a wedding I enjoyed.
Tsar of DDO
bsh1
Posts: 27,504
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2015 3:39:04 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/7/2015 3:13:39 PM, YYW wrote:

I have yet to go to a wedding I enjoyed.

Hopefully that isn't a portent of weddings to come.
Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.


"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

"[Bsh1] is the Guinan of DDO." - ButterCatX

Follow the DDOlympics
: http://www.debate.org...

Open Debate Topics Project: http://www.debate.org...
YYW
Posts: 36,289
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2015 3:42:07 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/7/2015 3:39:04 PM, bsh1 wrote:
At 6/7/2015 3:13:39 PM, YYW wrote:

I have yet to go to a wedding I enjoyed.

Hopefully that isn't a portent of weddings to come.

I don't think it is.
Tsar of DDO
bsh1
Posts: 27,504
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/7/2015 3:44:05 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/7/2015 3:42:07 PM, YYW wrote:
At 6/7/2015 3:39:04 PM, bsh1 wrote:
At 6/7/2015 3:13:39 PM, YYW wrote:

I have yet to go to a wedding I enjoyed.

Hopefully that isn't a portent of weddings to come.

I don't think it is.

Great :)
Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.


"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

"[Bsh1] is the Guinan of DDO." - ButterCatX

Follow the DDOlympics
: http://www.debate.org...

Open Debate Topics Project: http://www.debate.org...
Wylted
Posts: 21,167
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
6/8/2015 7:06:43 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/7/2015 3:13:39 PM, YYW wrote:
At 6/6/2015 1:22:01 PM, poehlerfan wrote:
I am so upset, this friend from church is having a wedding and
they have deleted me from Facebook and they only way I found out she was engaged was by a mutual friend. So I am pretty sure I wont be invited to the wedding even though this is someone I have known for years from church. And I just want to know why I wasn't invited, and I suspect it may be because of a falling out I had with her sister where she yelled at me for wanting to crash this other mutual friends wedding a few years ago. Would it be rude to just ask why I wasn't invited and make sure it wasn't because of this and she hates me?

There is no reason to be distraught or hurt. Not being invited to a wedding is a good thing, in the end.

I have yet to go to a wedding I enjoyed.

You don't get drunk enough before hand, I've yet to be sober at one or be at one I wasn't having a blast at.
sadolite
Posts: 8,838
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
5/31/2016 12:33:34 AM
Posted: 6 months ago
At 6/6/2015 1:22:01 PM, poehlerfan wrote:
I am so upset, this friend from church is having a wedding and
they have deleted me from Facebook and they only way I found out she was engaged was by a mutual friend. So I am pretty sure I wont be invited to the wedding even though this is someone I have known for years from church. And I just want to know why I wasn't invited, and I suspect it may be because of a falling out I had with her sister where she yelled at me for wanting to crash this other mutual friends wedding a few years ago. Would it be rude to just ask why I wasn't invited and make sure it wasn't because of this and she hates me?

It's none of your business what other people think of you. Nor is someone else's wedding your business. Leave it alone and move on.
It's not your views that divide us, it's what you think my views should be that divides us.

If you think I will give up my rights and forsake social etiquette to make you "FEEL" better you are sadly mistaken

If liberal democrats would just stop shooting people gun violence would drop by 90%