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I need potential relationship advice

Blade-of-Truth
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6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Okay, serious inquiry here.

For the last few weeks, I've been talking to a girl I met at work. We're at the point now where we are texting each other everyday and she's even been over to my house a couple times. We haven't done anything sexual yet, but it's only a matter of time. Here's my issue, I'm an extremely jealous person. I think it stems from witnessing my parents divorce at a young age and having this deep rooted fear of losing people I love. So, in the past, if a girlfriend has a guy friend, I become extremely jealous.

I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

So here's the issue. This girl that I'm talking to has a guy friend and their friendship apparently goes back a few years. He's a heterosexual male, and quiet good looking. Almost on par with myself. His facebook profile pic is also one of him and the girl I'm talking to, he just changed it to that a couple hours ago (hence what motivated me to make this inquiry). So, I don't know how to take it. She's also said that she's not even sure if she'll stay in Florida after her lease is up in April. .

So, should I even continue to invest my time and effort into this girl? Is it futile considering that she has this male friend who is clearly infatuated with her and has years of history with her that I don't? At the end of the day, I don't want to get myself too emotionally attached to her if our relationship will be split between me and this guy friend of hers, and I certainly don't want any girlfriend of mine to be in some other guys profile pic.

Has anyone gone through a similar experience, or have any general advice for me in this situation? I honestly don't know what the next step should be.

Additionally, has anyone overcome jealousy in their own lives? Like, seriously overcome it? I'd love to not be the jealous type, so any advice on that would also be appreciated.
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EndarkenedRationalist
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6/29/2015 1:58:49 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
Okay, serious inquiry here.

For the last few weeks, I've been talking to a girl I met at work. We're at the point now where we are texting each other everyday and she's even been over to my house a couple times. We haven't done anything sexual yet, but it's only a matter of time. Here's my issue, I'm an extremely jealous person. I think it stems from witnessing my parents divorce at a young age and having this deep rooted fear of losing people I love. So, in the past, if a girlfriend has a guy friend, I become extremely jealous.

I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

This here is the problem. This belief is not only incorrect; it's downright unhealthy. But that's not something anyone else can change for you. Only you can do that.

So here's the issue. This girl that I'm talking to has a guy friend and their friendship apparently goes back a few years. He's a heterosexual male, and quiet good looking. Almost on par with myself. His facebook profile pic is also one of him and the girl I'm talking to, he just changed it to that a couple hours ago (hence what motivated me to make this inquiry). So, I don't know how to take it. She's also said that she's not even sure if she'll stay in Florida after her lease is up in April. .

If she's definitely leaving, I'd say it's not worth it.

So, should I even continue to invest my time and effort into this girl? Is it futile considering that she has this male friend who is clearly infatuated with her and has years of history with her that I don't? At the end of the day, I don't want to get myself too emotionally attached to her if our relationship will be split between me and this guy friend of hers, and I certainly don't want any girlfriend of mine to be in some other guys profile pic.

Has anyone gone through a similar experience, or have any general advice for me in this situation? I honestly don't know what the next step should be.

Additionally, has anyone overcome jealousy in their own lives? Like, seriously overcome it? I'd love to not be the jealous type, so any advice on that would also be appreciated.
kasmic
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6/29/2015 2:02:00 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

Bummer, I am a heterosexual man who has many female friends.

So, should I even continue to invest my time and effort into this girl? Is it futile considering that she has this male friend who is clearly infatuated with her and has years of history with her that I don't? At the end of the day, I don't want to get myself too emotionally attached to her if our relationship will be split between me and this guy friend of hers, and I certainly don't want any girlfriend of mine to be in some other guys profile pic.

I think you need to get over your paranoia. If anything, if you and her become a thing, you could explain to her to tendency to be jealous and see what she thinks.

Has anyone gone through a similar experience, or have any general advice for me in this situation? I honestly don't know what the next step should be.

This is a great opportunity for you to get past your insecurities and attempt to trust someone in a relationship.
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kasmic
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6/29/2015 2:02:44 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 1:58:49 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

This here is the problem. This belief is not only incorrect; it's downright unhealthy. But that's not something anyone else can change for you. Only you can do that.
"Liberalism Defined" http://www.debate.org...
"The Social Contract" http://www.debate.org...
"Intro to IR An Open Discussion" http://www.debate.org...

Check out my website, the Sensible Soapbox http://www.sensiblesoapbox.com...
My latest article: http://www.sensiblesoapbox.com...
Blade-of-Truth
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6/29/2015 2:04:51 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 1:58:49 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
Okay, serious inquiry here.

For the last few weeks, I've been talking to a girl I met at work. We're at the point now where we are texting each other everyday and she's even been over to my house a couple times. We haven't done anything sexual yet, but it's only a matter of time. Here's my issue, I'm an extremely jealous person. I think it stems from witnessing my parents divorce at a young age and having this deep rooted fear of losing people I love. So, in the past, if a girlfriend has a guy friend, I become extremely jealous.

I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

This here is the problem. This belief is not only incorrect; it's downright unhealthy. But that's not something anyone else can change for you. Only you can do that.

The thing is that, for me, it's been true in every instance. I've seen many friendships between straight males and females where one person likes the other as more than a friend, but just never says anything. For the sake of this conversation, let's say I am wrong and there can be instances where two heterosexual people genuinely aren't attracted to each other as anything more than friends, is there a way to tell the difference? For me, one thing that's always made it obvious is when I get close to a girl and her guy friend starts giving me evil looks or tries pulling her away from me. It's happened alot, but in the girls mind he's just a friend.

So here's the issue. This girl that I'm talking to has a guy friend and their friendship apparently goes back a few years. He's a heterosexual male, and quiet good looking. Almost on par with myself. His facebook profile pic is also one of him and the girl I'm talking to, he just changed it to that a couple hours ago (hence what motivated me to make this inquiry). So, I don't know how to take it. She's also said that she's not even sure if she'll stay in Florida after her lease is up in April. .

If she's definitely leaving, I'd say it's not worth it.

I agree. It just sucks because I finally met someone worthy and she tells me that. I'm at the point in my life where I'm looking for a long-term commitment, and it's so much harder to find... I've never experienced a greater challenge in my life.

So, should I even continue to invest my time and effort into this girl? Is it futile considering that she has this male friend who is clearly infatuated with her and has years of history with her that I don't? At the end of the day, I don't want to get myself too emotionally attached to her if our relationship will be split between me and this guy friend of hers, and I certainly don't want any girlfriend of mine to be in some other guys profile pic.

Has anyone gone through a similar experience, or have any general advice for me in this situation? I honestly don't know what the next step should be.

Additionally, has anyone overcome jealousy in their own lives? Like, seriously overcome it? I'd love to not be the jealous type, so any advice on that would also be appreciated.
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Blade-of-Truth
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6/29/2015 2:08:17 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:02:00 PM, kasmic wrote:
I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

Bummer, I am a heterosexual man who has many female friends.

Are you attracted to any of them? The only time I am able to have a female friend is when I'm in-no-way attracted to her physically.

So, should I even continue to invest my time and effort into this girl? Is it futile considering that she has this male friend who is clearly infatuated with her and has years of history with her that I don't? At the end of the day, I don't want to get myself too emotionally attached to her if our relationship will be split between me and this guy friend of hers, and I certainly don't want any girlfriend of mine to be in some other guys profile pic.

I think you need to get over your paranoia. If anything, if you and her become a thing, you could explain to her to tendency to be jealous and see what she thinks.

Do you have any advice on how to overcome that paranoia? I want to get over it, I hate being jealous, it's a shitty feeling and it ends up causing more harm than good. I just don't know how.

Has anyone gone through a similar experience, or have any general advice for me in this situation? I honestly don't know what the next step should be.

This is a great opportunity for you to get past your insecurities and attempt to trust someone in a relationship.

I agree, it is... I just need to learn how to overcome these insecurities. I have such a hard time trusting people, it's a curse I've had for a very long time.
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Blade-of-Truth
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6/29/2015 2:10:04 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 1:58:49 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
Okay, serious inquiry here.

For the last few weeks, I've been talking to a girl I met at work. We're at the point now where we are texting each other everyday and she's even been over to my house a couple times. We haven't done anything sexual yet, but it's only a matter of time. Here's my issue, I'm an extremely jealous person. I think it stems from witnessing my parents divorce at a young age and having this deep rooted fear of losing people I love. So, in the past, if a girlfriend has a guy friend, I become extremely jealous.

I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

This here is the problem. This belief is not only incorrect; it's downright unhealthy. But that's not something anyone else can change for you. Only you can do that.

Any advice on how to start that change? I understand that it's something I must do for myself, and I want to so that I can start having healthy relationships and outlooks on these kind of things, but it's so ingrained in me - idk where to start.
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kasmic
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6/29/2015 2:11:07 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Are you attracted to any of them? The only time I am able to have a female friend is when I'm in-no-way attracted to her physically.

Many of them are attractive...

Do you have any advice on how to overcome that paranoia? I want to get over it, I hate being jealous, it's a shitty feeling and it ends up causing more harm than good. I just don't know how.

I think being open about it early and express that you know your tendencies but desire to overcome them. Ask for her patience, then try to respond rationally and not emotionally to there friendship.
"Liberalism Defined" http://www.debate.org...
"The Social Contract" http://www.debate.org...
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EndarkenedRationalist
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6/29/2015 2:11:11 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:04:51 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:58:49 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
Okay, serious inquiry here.

For the last few weeks, I've been talking to a girl I met at work. We're at the point now where we are texting each other everyday and she's even been over to my house a couple times. We haven't done anything sexual yet, but it's only a matter of time. Here's my issue, I'm an extremely jealous person. I think it stems from witnessing my parents divorce at a young age and having this deep rooted fear of losing people I love. So, in the past, if a girlfriend has a guy friend, I become extremely jealous.

I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

This here is the problem. This belief is not only incorrect; it's downright unhealthy. But that's not something anyone else can change for you. Only you can do that.

The thing is that, for me, it's been true in every instance. I've seen many friendships between straight males and females where one person likes the other as more than a friend, but just never says anything. For the sake of this conversation, let's say I am wrong and there can be instances where two heterosexual people genuinely aren't attracted to each other as anything more than friends, is there a way to tell the difference? For me, one thing that's always made it obvious is when I get close to a girl and her guy friend starts giving me evil looks or tries pulling her away from me. It's happened alot, but in the girls mind he's just a friend.

I know plenty of instances where it isn't true, but there aren't any objective differences. It's largely contextual. Even the "tell' you describe isn't necessarily indicative of greater emotional attachment. It could be, but it isn't always. It could be the platonic desire to protect a friend from someone you don't know well, or it could even be your own feelings (specific you this time) reading deeper into the situation. Some people form extremely close yet strictly platonic relationships. In my experience, the closer friends two people are, the less likely it is that they'll join in a relationship.

So here's the issue. This girl that I'm talking to has a guy friend and their friendship apparently goes back a few years. He's a heterosexual male, and quiet good looking. Almost on par with myself. His facebook profile pic is also one of him and the girl I'm talking to, he just changed it to that a couple hours ago (hence what motivated me to make this inquiry). So, I don't know how to take it. She's also said that she's not even sure if she'll stay in Florida after her lease is up in April. .

If she's definitely leaving, I'd say it's not worth it.

I agree. It just sucks because I finally met someone worthy and she tells me that. I'm at the point in my life where I'm looking for a long-term commitment, and it's so much harder to find... I've never experienced a greater challenge in my life.

I know it's difficult, but there's bound to be someone out there for you. Don't feel like you *have* to find someone. Go out because you want to. There's a lot of people out there, and this girl won't be the last.

So, should I even continue to invest my time and effort into this girl? Is it futile considering that she has this male friend who is clearly infatuated with her and has years of history with her that I don't? At the end of the day, I don't want to get myself too emotionally attached to her if our relationship will be split between me and this guy friend of hers, and I certainly don't want any girlfriend of mine to be in some other guys profile pic.

Has anyone gone through a similar experience, or have any general advice for me in this situation? I honestly don't know what the next step should be.

Additionally, has anyone overcome jealousy in their own lives? Like, seriously overcome it? I'd love to not be the jealous type, so any advice on that would also be appreciated.
EndarkenedRationalist
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6/29/2015 2:13:57 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:10:04 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:58:49 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
Okay, serious inquiry here.

For the last few weeks, I've been talking to a girl I met at work. We're at the point now where we are texting each other everyday and she's even been over to my house a couple times. We haven't done anything sexual yet, but it's only a matter of time. Here's my issue, I'm an extremely jealous person. I think it stems from witnessing my parents divorce at a young age and having this deep rooted fear of losing people I love. So, in the past, if a girlfriend has a guy friend, I become extremely jealous.

I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

This here is the problem. This belief is not only incorrect; it's downright unhealthy. But that's not something anyone else can change for you. Only you can do that.

Any advice on how to start that change? I understand that it's something I must do for myself, and I want to so that I can start having healthy relationships and outlooks on these kind of things, but it's so ingrained in me - idk where to start.

Well, it'll be difficult to do because it requires you to trust someone else, which makes you vulnerable. It's definitely something I'd recommend being open about early on, because that itself is an act of trust which, if taken well - or at least understood - will inspire further confidence and trust.
ResponsiblyIrresponsible
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6/29/2015 2:24:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

Ughhhhhhhh, I had a lengthy reply typed out to this, but then it got deleted! I don't have much time at the moment so I can't reproduce it, but if you ever want to join a hangout sometime (e.g., tonight) we can perhaps discuss this in some detail. Obviously this is *far* from my area of expertise, but you know what they say: those who can't do teach, lol.
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Blade-of-Truth
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6/29/2015 2:29:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:11:07 PM, kasmic wrote:
Are you attracted to any of them? The only time I am able to have a female friend is when I'm in-no-way attracted to her physically.

Many of them are attractive...

Maybe that's my problem then. If I'm attracted to them, I view the friendship as something that has potential to be more, rather than enjoying the friendship for the sake of friendship like I do with girls I'm not attracted to.

Do you have any advice on how to overcome that paranoia? I want to get over it, I hate being jealous, it's a shitty feeling and it ends up causing more harm than good. I just don't know how.

I think being open about it early and express that you know your tendencies but desire to overcome them. Ask for her patience, then try to respond rationally and not emotionally to there friendship.

Responding rationally and not emotionally is definitely the key here. The question now is how to do so.
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Blade-of-Truth
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6/29/2015 2:29:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:11:07 PM, kasmic wrote:
Are you attracted to any of them? The only time I am able to have a female friend is when I'm in-no-way attracted to her physically.

Many of them are attractive...

Maybe that's my problem then. If I'm attracted to them, I view the friendship as something that has potential to be more, rather than enjoying the friendship for the sake of friendship like I do with girls I'm not attracted to.

Do you have any advice on how to overcome that paranoia? I want to get over it, I hate being jealous, it's a shitty feeling and it ends up causing more harm than good. I just don't know how.

I think being open about it early and express that you know your tendencies but desire to overcome them. Ask for her patience, then try to respond rationally and not emotionally to there friendship.

Responding rationally and not emotionally is definitely the key here. The question now is how to do so.
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6/29/2015 2:29:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:11:07 PM, kasmic wrote:
Are you attracted to any of them? The only time I am able to have a female friend is when I'm in-no-way attracted to her physically.

Many of them are attractive...

Maybe that's my problem then. If I'm attracted to them, I view the friendship as something that has potential to be more, rather than enjoying the friendship for the sake of friendship like I do with girls I'm not attracted to.

Do you have any advice on how to overcome that paranoia? I want to get over it, I hate being jealous, it's a shitty feeling and it ends up causing more harm than good. I just don't know how.

I think being open about it early and express that you know your tendencies but desire to overcome them. Ask for her patience, then try to respond rationally and not emotionally to there friendship.

Responding rationally and not emotionally is definitely the key here. The question now is how to do so.
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6/29/2015 2:29:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:11:07 PM, kasmic wrote:
Are you attracted to any of them? The only time I am able to have a female friend is when I'm in-no-way attracted to her physically.

Many of them are attractive...

Maybe that's my problem then. If I'm attracted to them, I view the friendship as something that has potential to be more, rather than enjoying the friendship for the sake of friendship like I do with girls I'm not attracted to.

Do you have any advice on how to overcome that paranoia? I want to get over it, I hate being jealous, it's a shitty feeling and it ends up causing more harm than good. I just don't know how.

I think being open about it early and express that you know your tendencies but desire to overcome them. Ask for her patience, then try to respond rationally and not emotionally to there friendship.

Responding rationally and not emotionally is definitely the key here. The question now is how to do so.
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6/29/2015 2:29:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:11:07 PM, kasmic wrote:
Are you attracted to any of them? The only time I am able to have a female friend is when I'm in-no-way attracted to her physically.

Many of them are attractive...

Maybe that's my problem then. If I'm attracted to them, I view the friendship as something that has potential to be more, rather than enjoying the friendship for the sake of friendship like I do with girls I'm not attracted to.

Do you have any advice on how to overcome that paranoia? I want to get over it, I hate being jealous, it's a shitty feeling and it ends up causing more harm than good. I just don't know how.

I think being open about it early and express that you know your tendencies but desire to overcome them. Ask for her patience, then try to respond rationally and not emotionally to there friendship.

Responding rationally and not emotionally is definitely the key here. The question now is how to do so.
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6/29/2015 2:29:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:11:07 PM, kasmic wrote:
Are you attracted to any of them? The only time I am able to have a female friend is when I'm in-no-way attracted to her physically.

Many of them are attractive...

Maybe that's my problem then. If I'm attracted to them, I view the friendship as something that has potential to be more, rather than enjoying the friendship for the sake of friendship like I do with girls I'm not attracted to.

Do you have any advice on how to overcome that paranoia? I want to get over it, I hate being jealous, it's a shitty feeling and it ends up causing more harm than good. I just don't know how.

I think being open about it early and express that you know your tendencies but desire to overcome them. Ask for her patience, then try to respond rationally and not emotionally to there friendship.

Responding rationally and not emotionally is definitely the key here. The question now is how to do so.
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6/29/2015 2:29:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:11:07 PM, kasmic wrote:
Are you attracted to any of them? The only time I am able to have a female friend is when I'm in-no-way attracted to her physically.

Many of them are attractive...

Maybe that's my problem then. If I'm attracted to them, I view the friendship as something that has potential to be more, rather than enjoying the friendship for the sake of friendship like I do with girls I'm not attracted to.

Do you have any advice on how to overcome that paranoia? I want to get over it, I hate being jealous, it's a shitty feeling and it ends up causing more harm than good. I just don't know how.

I think being open about it early and express that you know your tendencies but desire to overcome them. Ask for her patience, then try to respond rationally and not emotionally to there friendship.

Responding rationally and not emotionally is definitely the key here. The question now is how to do so.
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Blade-of-Truth
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6/29/2015 2:29:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:11:07 PM, kasmic wrote:
Are you attracted to any of them? The only time I am able to have a female friend is when I'm in-no-way attracted to her physically.

Many of them are attractive...

Maybe that's my problem then. If I'm attracted to them, I view the friendship as something that has potential to be more, rather than enjoying the friendship for the sake of friendship like I do with girls I'm not attracted to.

Do you have any advice on how to overcome that paranoia? I want to get over it, I hate being jealous, it's a shitty feeling and it ends up causing more harm than good. I just don't know how.

I think being open about it early and express that you know your tendencies but desire to overcome them. Ask for her patience, then try to respond rationally and not emotionally to there friendship.

Responding rationally and not emotionally is definitely the key here. The question now is how to do so.
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kasmic
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6/29/2015 2:34:36 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Responding rationally and not emotionally is definitely the key here. The question now is how to do so.

This may be way out there haha.... but...

I have an anxiety disorder and have frequent panic attacks. One way that I cope with this is when I am having an attack or acting irrationally and can tell, I focus on my five senses. Like, do I hear a clock? what color shirt am I wearing... etc.

I know this sounds silly but whenever I get worked up emotionally it helps to focus on empirically evident real things.

Perhaps when you are feeling overly paranoid or jealous take a min to focus on other things to get your mind calmed down.

Take that advice for what its worth, maybe worthless haha.
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6/29/2015 2:38:36 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:11:11 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
At 6/29/2015 2:04:51 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:58:49 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
Okay, serious inquiry here.

For the last few weeks, I've been talking to a girl I met at work. We're at the point now where we are texting each other everyday and she's even been over to my house a couple times. We haven't done anything sexual yet, but it's only a matter of time. Here's my issue, I'm an extremely jealous person. I think it stems from witnessing my parents divorce at a young age and having this deep rooted fear of losing people I love. So, in the past, if a girlfriend has a guy friend, I become extremely jealous.

I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

This here is the problem. This belief is not only incorrect; it's downright unhealthy. But that's not something anyone else can change for you. Only you can do that.

The thing is that, for me, it's been true in every instance. I've seen many friendships between straight males and females where one person likes the other as more than a friend, but just never says anything. For the sake of this conversation, let's say I am wrong and there can be instances where two heterosexual people genuinely aren't attracted to each other as anything more than friends, is there a way to tell the difference? For me, one thing that's always made it obvious is when I get close to a girl and her guy friend starts giving me evil looks or tries pulling her away from me. It's happened alot, but in the girls mind he's just a friend.

I know plenty of instances where it isn't true, but there aren't any objective differences. It's largely contextual. Even the "tell' you describe isn't necessarily indicative of greater emotional attachment. It could be, but it isn't always. It could be the platonic desire to protect a friend from someone you don't know well, or it could even be your own feelings (specific you this time) reading deeper into the situation. Some people form extremely close yet strictly platonic relationships. In my experience, the closer friends two people are, the less likely it is that they'll join in a relationship.

Those are all good points, and definitely possible. I do tend to over-think things alot. I guess I've just had some poor examples or experiences in my life which have led me to form this belief.

So here's the issue. This girl that I'm talking to has a guy friend and their friendship apparently goes back a few years. He's a heterosexual male, and quiet good looking. Almost on par with myself. His facebook profile pic is also one of him and the girl I'm talking to, he just changed it to that a couple hours ago (hence what motivated me to make this inquiry). So, I don't know how to take it. She's also said that she's not even sure if she'll stay in Florida after her lease is up in April. .

If she's definitely leaving, I'd say it's not worth it.

I agree. It just sucks because I finally met someone worthy and she tells me that. I'm at the point in my life where I'm looking for a long-term commitment, and it's so much harder to find... I've never experienced a greater challenge in my life.

I know it's difficult, but there's bound to be someone out there for you. Don't feel like you *have* to find someone. Go out because you want to. There's a lot of people out there, and this girl won't be the last.

You're right, and on some level I already know this myself. For the last 18 months I've purposely not gone out, not put myself out there, all because I wanted to grow as an individual. I still have lots that I need to do as well like focus on law school and building a career, but I miss having someone to talk to at the end of the night. The last few weeks have been really nice in that regard, and in a way its reminded me of how good it feels to have that someone to share your day with.
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6/29/2015 2:40:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:13:57 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
At 6/29/2015 2:10:04 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:58:49 PM, EndarkenedRationalist wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
Okay, serious inquiry here.

For the last few weeks, I've been talking to a girl I met at work. We're at the point now where we are texting each other everyday and she's even been over to my house a couple times. We haven't done anything sexual yet, but it's only a matter of time. Here's my issue, I'm an extremely jealous person. I think it stems from witnessing my parents divorce at a young age and having this deep rooted fear of losing people I love. So, in the past, if a girlfriend has a guy friend, I become extremely jealous.

I should add, I do not believe, whatsoever, that there is such a thing as friendships between heterosexual males and females. I firmly believe that in such relationships one party always has stronger feelings than merely friendship and this has been proven to be true in every instance that I've ever experienced throughout my life.

This here is the problem. This belief is not only incorrect; it's downright unhealthy. But that's not something anyone else can change for you. Only you can do that.

Any advice on how to start that change? I understand that it's something I must do for myself, and I want to so that I can start having healthy relationships and outlooks on these kind of things, but it's so ingrained in me - idk where to start.

Well, it'll be difficult to do because it requires you to trust someone else, which makes you vulnerable. It's definitely something I'd recommend being open about early on, because that itself is an act of trust which, if taken well - or at least understood - will inspire further confidence and trust.

You're right, and I think my biggest fear is being vulnerable. You're also right about how being open early on is an act of trust in itself. I'll definitely do so if I decide to carry on with her.
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6/29/2015 2:42:35 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:24:53 PM, ResponsiblyIrresponsible wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

Ughhhhhhhh, I had a lengthy reply typed out to this, but then it got deleted! I don't have much time at the moment so I can't reproduce it, but if you ever want to join a hangout sometime (e.g., tonight) we can perhaps discuss this in some detail. Obviously this is *far* from my area of expertise, but you know what they say: those who can't do teach, lol.

I wish I could :/ My new work schedule has me out until 2 or 3 am, which is why I haven't been on them in the past month. I'm starting to get more day shifts though so hopefully this trend will break soon and I can get back into hangouts again!
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ResponsiblyIrresponsible
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6/29/2015 2:43:56 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:42:35 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 6/29/2015 2:24:53 PM, ResponsiblyIrresponsible wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

Ughhhhhhhh, I had a lengthy reply typed out to this, but then it got deleted! I don't have much time at the moment so I can't reproduce it, but if you ever want to join a hangout sometime (e.g., tonight) we can perhaps discuss this in some detail. Obviously this is *far* from my area of expertise, but you know what they say: those who can't do teach, lol.

I wish I could :/ My new work schedule has me out until 2 or 3 am, which is why I haven't been on them in the past month. I'm starting to get more day shifts though so hopefully this trend will break soon and I can get back into hangouts again!

Dang, man, that's unfortunate. I'll try to replicate that wall of a text in a bit, then lol
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Blade-of-Truth
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6/29/2015 2:45:03 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:34:36 PM, kasmic wrote:
Responding rationally and not emotionally is definitely the key here. The question now is how to do so.

This may be way out there haha.... but...

I have an anxiety disorder and have frequent panic attacks. One way that I cope with this is when I am having an attack or acting irrationally and can tell, I focus on my five senses. Like, do I hear a clock? what color shirt am I wearing... etc.

I know this sounds silly but whenever I get worked up emotionally it helps to focus on empirically evident real things.

Perhaps when you are feeling overly paranoid or jealous take a min to focus on other things to get your mind calmed down.

Take that advice for what its worth, maybe worthless haha.

I actually really like that advice. I mean, that's essentially what happens to me, I see these things and start having a little panic attack of my own in my head (obviously not to the degree of a real panic attack, but you get my point). I think focusing on things like your example would be a good way of getting out of my head. Thanks for that, I'll definitely keep it in consideration.
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6/29/2015 2:45:53 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:43:56 PM, ResponsiblyIrresponsible wrote:
At 6/29/2015 2:42:35 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 6/29/2015 2:24:53 PM, ResponsiblyIrresponsible wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

Ughhhhhhhh, I had a lengthy reply typed out to this, but then it got deleted! I don't have much time at the moment so I can't reproduce it, but if you ever want to join a hangout sometime (e.g., tonight) we can perhaps discuss this in some detail. Obviously this is *far* from my area of expertise, but you know what they say: those who can't do teach, lol.

I wish I could :/ My new work schedule has me out until 2 or 3 am, which is why I haven't been on them in the past month. I'm starting to get more day shifts though so hopefully this trend will break soon and I can get back into hangouts again!

Dang, man, that's unfortunate. I'll try to replicate that wall of a text in a bit, then lol

Yeah dude, the real world sucks. Stay in college forever!
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TGambit
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6/29/2015 2:55:51 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
I think this will not work out. People do not change. You will have a painful jealousy with this woman and it will never end up healthy. Because you are a nice guy you can't make her not be friends with the other guy. And just as you said a man and a woman cannot just be friends.

So I would avoid this relationship and look for another one with less men in it.
TurleDoveSammie
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6/29/2015 3:15:35 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
HI Addison, it has been a short while since we last last spoke, but however; I came across your thread and figured maybe some words from me may or may not help. Hopefully it does.

I realize for you it can be a bit hard to get over the fact of what happened with your parents, who would? That is your parents and you love them and it does seem unfair that they would seperate not realizing how hurtful that might be to their children and my apologies for this. I only hope things get better for you.

I just want to point out, my fiance is a jealous type too, but in the sense of if he does not know the guy he will ask questions to the point of getting details from me on who this guy is what he does what he wants to talk to me for and once I give him clarity he is okay with it, but I usually try to not talk to too many guys for the sake of him. I dont always wanna answer him about it because its a bit overbearing sometimes, but I know in his case he asks because he just wants to be sure that the guy isn't some freak or someone trying to win me over. He has a past too with an ex so it would make sense for him to react the way he does, but as long as I inform him of what guy Im speaking to he's okay with it. If the guys seem suspicious to him for him Ill gradually stop talking to those guys because I dont want my fiance to get the wrong idea.

Now for me, I really don't like when he talks to other girls at all especially if they are single, but I never tell him anything because I dont want to make him feel like Im being controlling, but if I see anything suspicious I will say something and he knows it. Which he has not nor have I seen any girls trying to talk to him either in that fashion, so in a way I have nothing to worry about.

So for you, what the issue is, you don't trust anyone and for you to try and get in another relationship its going to be a challenge for you. If you can't trust her then the relationship will always fail. It takes communication, patience, understanding and TRUST to make the relationship work. If you have neither of those, then you are going to have a harder time keeping a relationship. if you really like this girl and find her attractive not necessarily just physically but inwardly and you think there could be something even if she does move love will take you places and get you to do things just to be with that person. Trust me, I know. If you don't think you can handle the fact that this girl has a guy friend and who is clearly close to then maybe you should wait, but just remember guys and girls that are that close 50% of the time they act like brother and sister. I have plenty of older brothers its okay to have those. Dont be too protective or no girl will want to stay because your not being understanding, patient, or trusting her. You are just assuming the worst and that can hurt you in the long run as well as her. Just look at it from her point of view.

I do understand were your coming from to a certain degree. I only hope for the best for you. And please don't take anything I said offensive it was honest words. I know your one who appreciates honesty and honesty is what you deserve. Hope this helps in any way. :)

Marie
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6/29/2015 3:19:51 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 2:24:53 PM, ResponsiblyIrresponsible wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

Ughhhhhhhh, I had a lengthy reply typed out to this, but then it got deleted! I don't have much time at the moment so I can't reproduce it, but if you ever want to join a hangout sometime (e.g., tonight) we can perhaps discuss this in some detail. Obviously this is *far* from my area of expertise, but you know what they say: those who can't do teach, lol.

It's a sign. Econ nerds know about as much about romance as I do about sparing bunnies from their doom.
ResponsiblyIrresponsible
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6/29/2015 3:25:56 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 6/29/2015 3:19:51 PM, RevNge wrote:
At 6/29/2015 2:24:53 PM, ResponsiblyIrresponsible wrote:
At 6/29/2015 1:56:26 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:

Ughhhhhhhh, I had a lengthy reply typed out to this, but then it got deleted! I don't have much time at the moment so I can't reproduce it, but if you ever want to join a hangout sometime (e.g., tonight) we can perhaps discuss this in some detail. Obviously this is *far* from my area of expertise, but you know what they say: those who can't do teach, lol.

It's a sign. Econ nerds know about as much about romance as I do about sparing bunnies from their doom.

Lmfao.
~ResponsiblyIrresponsible

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