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I've had enough

Zarroette
Posts: 2,951
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12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
I really can't do this anymore. I know I'm not perfect and I probably deserved a fair bit of it, but these attacks are too much for me. I never told anyone this because I knew a troll would hear it and it would come back to haunt me (much like being honest about my dad did), but I have borderline and narcissism personality disorders. I know I've developed he narcissism purely because I cannot cope with my borderline. I just can't do it. I know I should get therapy for this, but my boyfriend will dump me if he finds out, like he did when I got some in the 5 months I was away from here. I just feel empty and never good enough. I tried to fill those holes with a lovely debate record, but it was never enough. I am super anxious whenever I'm not pretending to be a perfect goddess. I need help for this; I've suffered long enough.

I try not to let people know, because the trolls are relentless, but I cry every time I read "no wonder your dad bashed you". I know it's really weak, but I never got over the fact that I let him beat me and I just took it like a useless, pathetic loser. I just regret it so much and I always cry about it when I think of it. I feel exactly the same about my best friend who committed suicide. I just can't handle comments like this. I'm just so ashamed that I allowed them to happen. They're moments in my life which I would do anything to fix, and I feel unbelievable bad when I realise I can't.

I know Max has done everything to help and protect me, but I'm struggling so much and he is already working overtime to help me. I really feel bad that I waste so much of his time with all of this. I've really tried my best not to lose my temper (I had therapy for it), but as it stands, it's clear that how I'm behaving at the moment isn't good enough, and that I really feel I can't do any better.

I know that I can't handle people doing nasty things to me. It makes me incredibly frustrated and very angry. I've haven't been so angry in awhile until I saw someone suggesting that I had asked for nude pictures of her. I REALLY hate when people lie purely to slander people like that. But I didn't get over it. Last night, I had a dream about smashing her face in with a crowbar. I know that there's something wrong with me. I also had similar, intense feelings about those strategic votes on my debate. I know that I felt compelled to get those people back, and I spent hours scheming and acting just to try and destroy them. I know that this is dreadful and unacceptable, which is why I've decided to leave forever.

I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing debates wherein people have trash-talked me. People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is. I really don't like the person I've become, because I tried so hard to avoid it. I know people will want to talk with me when I leave, but don't. I don't want my mess of a life destroying yours. My friends on here are people I really like, and I know that the person I'm perceived as here is far removed from the sensitive, anxious, depressed person who suffers from personality disorders in reality. Maybe when I'm fixed I'll be okay to talk to again.

I'd say something nasty to the people who have contributed to this, but I've learned the hard way that revenge leads to emptiness and/or self-destructing.

Anyway, I'm off to enter therapy again. Maybe we'll talk again one day. Probably not. Goodbye.
Hayd
Posts: 4,022
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12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...
thett3
Posts: 14,334
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12/27/2015 12:18:36 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...

She's gone, you can fuk off now
DDO Vice President

#StandwithBossy

#UnbanTheMadman

#BetOnThett

"Don't quote me, ever." -Max

"My name is max. I'm not a big fan of slacks"- Max rapping

"Walmart should have the opportunity to bribe a politician to it's agenda" -Max

"Thett, you're really good at convincing people you're a decent person"-tulle

"You fit the character of Regina George quite nicely"- Sam

: At 11/12/2016 11:49:40 PM, Raisor wrote:
: thett was right
Hayd
Posts: 4,022
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12/27/2015 12:19:50 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:18:36 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...

She's gone, you can fuk off now

She's not gone yet.
RyuuKyuzo
Posts: 3,074
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12/27/2015 12:21:09 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think you're swell.
If you're reading this, you're awesome and you should feel awesome.
Rosalie
Posts: 4,604
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12/27/2015 12:24:58 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:21:09 AM, RyuuKyuzo wrote:
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think you're swell.

Lolol....
" We need more videos of cat's playing the piano on the internet" - My art professor.

"Criticism is easier to take when you realize that the only people who aren't criticized are those who don't take risks." - Donald Trump
thett3
Posts: 14,334
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12/27/2015 12:26:33 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:19:50 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:18:36 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...

She's gone, you can fuk off now

She's not gone yet.

Oh my bad. I forgot it's okay to pick a fight with someone who is genuinely trying to lay everything out on the table and trying to leave as long as their account hasn't deactivated yet.

Because when someone comes out and talks about their issues (which were obviously there) my first response is to nitpick their goodbye post
DDO Vice President

#StandwithBossy

#UnbanTheMadman

#BetOnThett

"Don't quote me, ever." -Max

"My name is max. I'm not a big fan of slacks"- Max rapping

"Walmart should have the opportunity to bribe a politician to it's agenda" -Max

"Thett, you're really good at convincing people you're a decent person"-tulle

"You fit the character of Regina George quite nicely"- Sam

: At 11/12/2016 11:49:40 PM, Raisor wrote:
: thett was right
Mikal
Posts: 11,268
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12/27/2015 12:29:06 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:26:33 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:19:50 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:18:36 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...

She's gone, you can fuk off now

She's not gone yet.

Oh my bad. I forgot it's okay to pick a fight with someone who is genuinely trying to lay everything out on the table and trying to leave as long as their account hasn't deactivated yet.

Because when someone comes out and talks about their issues (which were obviously there) my first response is to nitpick their goodbye post

+1

Im like on the verge at snapping on half the people involved in this
Hayd
Posts: 4,022
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12/27/2015 12:29:35 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:26:33 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:19:50 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:18:36 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...

She's gone, you can fuk off now

She's not gone yet.

Oh my bad. I forgot it's okay to pick a fight with someone who is genuinely trying to lay everything out on the table and trying to leave as long as their account hasn't deactivated yet.

Because when someone comes out and talks about their issues (which were obviously there) my first response is to nitpick their goodbye post

Sorry, that was wrong of me.

@Zarro
I hope you find peace in your efforts, and contentment in your heart. Its good that you are taking a break from the site, it will help you to focus. The best thing to do is put everything behind you and move on. Best of Luck.
Rosalie
Posts: 4,604
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12/27/2015 12:38:04 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:26:33 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:19:50 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:18:36 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...

She's gone, you can fuk off now

She's not gone yet.

Oh my bad. I forgot it's okay to pick a fight with someone who is genuinely trying to lay everything out on the table and trying to leave as long as their account hasn't deactivated yet.

Because when someone comes out and talks about their issues (which were obviously there) my first response is to nitpick their goodbye post

This whole post isn't even from the heart, its just for pittty. She won't change, nor will she ever.
" We need more videos of cat's playing the piano on the internet" - My art professor.

"Criticism is easier to take when you realize that the only people who aren't criticized are those who don't take risks." - Donald Trump
Mikal
Posts: 11,268
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12/27/2015 12:42:49 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:38:04 AM, Rosalie wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:26:33 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:19:50 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:18:36 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...

She's gone, you can fuk off now

She's not gone yet.

Oh my bad. I forgot it's okay to pick a fight with someone who is genuinely trying to lay everything out on the table and trying to leave as long as their account hasn't deactivated yet.

Because when someone comes out and talks about their issues (which were obviously there) my first response is to nitpick their goodbye post

This whole post isn't even from the heart, its just for pittty. She won't change, nor will she ever.

Im saying this nicely and without being mean. Fuk off, you have never talked to her nor know what has happened to her. If and when she hurts herself i hope it haunts you
Rosalie
Posts: 4,604
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12/27/2015 12:44:41 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:42:49 AM, Mikal wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:38:04 AM, Rosalie wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:26:33 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:19:50 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:18:36 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...

She's gone, you can fuk off now

She's not gone yet.

Oh my bad. I forgot it's okay to pick a fight with someone who is genuinely trying to lay everything out on the table and trying to leave as long as their account hasn't deactivated yet.

Because when someone comes out and talks about their issues (which were obviously there) my first response is to nitpick their goodbye post

This whole post isn't even from the heart, its just for pittty. She won't change, nor will she ever.

Im saying this nicely and without being mean. Fuk off, you have never talked to her nor know what has happened to her. If and when she hurts herself i hope it haunts you

She isn't going to. And what does it matter when she makes physical threats to other members? Its okay? Lets all pitty zarro . She does this all the time. But whatever, I truly hope when she comes back, she has changed for the better.
" We need more videos of cat's playing the piano on the internet" - My art professor.

"Criticism is easier to take when you realize that the only people who aren't criticized are those who don't take risks." - Donald Trump
thett3
Posts: 14,334
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12/27/2015 12:45:05 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:38:04 AM, Rosalie wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:26:33 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:19:50 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:18:36 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...

She's gone, you can fuk off now

She's not gone yet.

Oh my bad. I forgot it's okay to pick a fight with someone who is genuinely trying to lay everything out on the table and trying to leave as long as their account hasn't deactivated yet.

Because when someone comes out and talks about their issues (which were obviously there) my first response is to nitpick their goodbye post

This whole post isn't even from the heart, its just for pittty. She won't change, nor will she ever.

Oh stop. I know you hate her, and no one is saying you have to like her, but just stop. It was so incredibly obvious that she was unwell and while I can understand why it's annoying (which is why I didn't interact with her much) what you're all doing here is kicking someone while they're down
DDO Vice President

#StandwithBossy

#UnbanTheMadman

#BetOnThett

"Don't quote me, ever." -Max

"My name is max. I'm not a big fan of slacks"- Max rapping

"Walmart should have the opportunity to bribe a politician to it's agenda" -Max

"Thett, you're really good at convincing people you're a decent person"-tulle

"You fit the character of Regina George quite nicely"- Sam

: At 11/12/2016 11:49:40 PM, Raisor wrote:
: thett was right
mc9
Posts: 1,030
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12/27/2015 12:50:06 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I really can't do this anymore. I know I'm not perfect and I probably deserved a fair bit of it, but these attacks are too much for me. I never told anyone this because I knew a troll would hear it and it would come back to haunt me (much like being honest about my dad did), but I have borderline and narcissism personality disorders. I know I've developed he narcissism purely because I cannot cope with my borderline. I just can't do it. I know I should get therapy for this, but my boyfriend will dump me if he finds out, like he did when I got some in the 5 months I was away from here. I just feel empty and never good enough. I tried to fill those holes with a lovely debate record, but it was never enough. I am super anxious whenever I'm not pretending to be a perfect goddess. I need help for this; I've suffered long enough.

I try not to let people know, because the trolls are relentless, but I cry every time I read "no wonder your dad bashed you". I know it's really weak, but I never got over the fact that I let him beat me and I just took it like a useless, pathetic loser. I just regret it so much and I always cry about it when I think of it. I feel exactly the same about my best friend who committed suicide. I just can't handle comments like this. I'm just so ashamed that I allowed them to happen. They're moments in my life which I would do anything to fix, and I feel unbelievable bad when I realise I can't.

I know Max has done everything to help and protect me, but I'm struggling so much and he is already working overtime to help me. I really feel bad that I waste so much of his time with all of this. I've really tried my best not to lose my temper (I had therapy for it), but as it stands, it's clear that how I'm behaving at the moment isn't good enough, and that I really feel I can't do any better.

I know that I can't handle people doing nasty things to me. It makes me incredibly frustrated and very angry. I've haven't been so angry in awhile until I saw someone suggesting that I had asked for nude pictures of her. I REALLY hate when people lie purely to slander people like that. But I didn't get over it. Last night, I had a dream about smashing her face in with a crowbar. I know that there's something wrong with me. I also had similar, intense feelings about those strategic votes on my debate. I know that I felt compelled to get those people back, and I spent hours scheming and acting just to try and destroy them. I know that this is dreadful and unacceptable, which is why I've decided to leave forever.

I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing debates wherein people have trash-talked me. People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is. I really don't like the person I've become, because I tried so hard to avoid it. I know people will want to talk with me when I leave, but don't. I don't want my mess of a life destroying yours. My friends on here are people I really like, and I know that the person I'm perceived as here is far removed from the sensitive, anxious, depressed person who suffers from personality disorders in reality. Maybe when I'm fixed I'll be okay to talk to again.

I'd say something nasty to the people who have contributed to this, but I've learned the hard way that revenge leads to emptiness and/or self-destructing.

Anyway, I'm off to enter therapy again. Maybe we'll talk again one day. Probably not. Goodbye.

Please don't leave! But if you must, good luck with all your future endeavors and I hope you get better.
Mikal
Posts: 11,268
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12/27/2015 12:53:58 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:44:41 AM, Rosalie wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:42:49 AM, Mikal wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:38:04 AM, Rosalie wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:26:33 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:19:50 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:18:36 AM, thett3 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing :debates wherein people have trash-talked me.

I have heard many accounts of you trash-talking other users you were debating with, the hypocricy is real.

People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed :whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is.

What this entire post was is talking about how dreadful your past is...

She's gone, you can fuk off now

She's not gone yet.

Oh my bad. I forgot it's okay to pick a fight with someone who is genuinely trying to lay everything out on the table and trying to leave as long as their account hasn't deactivated yet.

Because when someone comes out and talks about their issues (which were obviously there) my first response is to nitpick their goodbye post

This whole post isn't even from the heart, its just for pittty. She won't change, nor will she ever.

Im saying this nicely and without being mean. Fuk off, you have never talked to her nor know what has happened to her. If and when she hurts herself i hope it haunts you

She isn't going to. And what does it matter when she makes physical threats to other members? Its okay? Lets all pitty zarro . She does this all the time. But whatever, I truly hope when she comes back, she has changed for the better.

As many times as ive seen you play the self pity card it astounds me to think that you don't believe she is capable of being sincere. Shes had a horrible past and has came miles since she joined this site. I was literally the first person to hate her and also the first to apologize after i found out what she has been through. Shes changed alot and can change more. The relentless bullying of her needs to stop. She is a good person who is trying her best to improve and fighting herself.

She has literally said shes depressive and people keep prodding it. Shes leaving so stfu and let her leave. I told you this with matt and ill repeat it with her. If you make her hurt herself due to your mindless inane bullying, you will find out how mean i can be. Literally this mob mentality on this site is disgusting and its gone to far.
000ike
Posts: 11,196
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12/27/2015 12:55:13 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:44:41 AM, Rosalie wrote:
She isn't going to. And what does it matter when she makes physical threats to other members? Its okay? Lets all pitty zarro . She does this all the time. But whatever, I truly hope when she comes back, she has changed for the better.

It's one thing to be skeptical of the OP's sincerity, but you don't even have the foresight to withhold your judgment on the very real possibility that she's truly hurting. That's a problem.
"A stupid despot may constrain his slaves with iron chains; but a true politician binds them even more strongly with the chain of their own ideas" - Michel Foucault
bsh1
Posts: 27,503
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12/27/2015 1:00:04 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:

While I understand many people's frustration with Zarro, and I must admit that now that she's leaving, has revealed such personal information to us, and exposed her vulnerabilities, it is not really appropriate to continue to badger her. You shouldn't kick someone when they're down.
Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.


"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

"[Bsh1] is the Guinan of DDO." - ButterCatX

Follow the DDOlympics
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Open Debate Topics Project: http://www.debate.org...
Juan_Pablo
Posts: 2,052
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12/27/2015 1:03:50 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
I wish you the best in life, Zarroette, and hope you're able to get good treatment for your condition. I have close relatives that also suffer from mental illness, so I understand the pain it causes.

Hope we see you soon.
Hayd
Posts: 4,022
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12/27/2015 1:04:18 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 1:00:04 AM, bsh1 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:

While I understand many people's frustration with Zarro, and I must admit that now that she's leaving, has revealed such personal information to us, and exposed her vulnerabilities, it is not really appropriate to continue to badger her. You shouldn't kick someone when they're down.

I know that now, and already apologized for it through PM and post 9. I shouldn't have done that, and I accept that and apologize for that. My bad, I hope everyone can forgive me.
bsh1
Posts: 27,503
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12/27/2015 1:23:01 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 1:04:18 AM, Hayd wrote:
At 12/27/2015 1:00:04 AM, bsh1 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:

While I understand many people's frustration with Zarro, and I must admit that now that she's leaving, has revealed such personal information to us, and exposed her vulnerabilities, it is not really appropriate to continue to badger her. You shouldn't kick someone when they're down.

I know that now, and already apologized for it through PM and post 9. I shouldn't have done that, and I accept that and apologize for that. My bad, I hope everyone can forgive me.

I didn't see your apology when I posted--I apologize for my post; I don't want you to feel ganged up on. As long as you apologized, you did the right thing.
Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.


"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

"[Bsh1] is the Guinan of DDO." - ButterCatX

Follow the DDOlympics
: http://www.debate.org...

Open Debate Topics Project: http://www.debate.org...
Yassine
Posts: 2,617
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12/27/2015 1:26:21 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I really can't do this anymore. I know I'm not perfect and I probably deserved a fair bit of it, but these attacks are too much for me. I never told anyone this because I knew a troll would hear it and it would come back to haunt me (much like being honest about my dad did), but I have borderline and narcissism personality disorders. I know I've developed he narcissism purely because I cannot cope with my borderline. I just can't do it. I know I should get therapy for this, but my boyfriend will dump me if he finds out, like he did when I got some in the 5 months I was away from here. I just feel empty and never good enough. I tried to fill those holes with a lovely debate record, but it was never enough. I am super anxious whenever I'm not pretending to be a perfect goddess. I need help for this; I've suffered long enough.

I try not to let people know, because the trolls are relentless, but I cry every time I read "no wonder your dad bashed you". I know it's really weak, but I never got over the fact that I let him beat me and I just took it like a useless, pathetic loser. I just regret it so much and I always cry about it when I think of it. I feel exactly the same about my best friend who committed suicide. I just can't handle comments like this. I'm just so ashamed that I allowed them to happen. They're moments in my life which I would do anything to fix, and I feel unbelievable bad when I realise I can't.

I know Max has done everything to help and protect me, but I'm struggling so much and he is already working overtime to help me. I really feel bad that I waste so much of his time with all of this. I've really tried my best not to lose my temper (I had therapy for it), but as it stands, it's clear that how I'm behaving at the moment isn't good enough, and that I really feel I can't do any better.

I know that I can't handle people doing nasty things to me. It makes me incredibly frustrated and very angry. I've haven't been so angry in awhile until I saw someone suggesting that I had asked for nude pictures of her. I REALLY hate when people lie purely to slander people like that. But I didn't get over it. Last night, I had a dream about smashing her face in with a crowbar. I know that there's something wrong with me. I also had similar, intense feelings about those strategic votes on my debate. I know that I felt compelled to get those people back, and I spent hours scheming and acting just to try and destroy them. I know that this is dreadful and unacceptable, which is why I've decided to leave forever.

I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing debates wherein people have trash-talked me. People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is. I really don't like the person I've become, because I tried so hard to avoid it. I know people will want to talk with me when I leave, but don't. I don't want my mess of a life destroying yours. My friends on here are people I really like, and I know that the person I'm perceived as here is far removed from the sensitive, anxious, depressed person who suffers from personality disorders in reality. Maybe when I'm fixed I'll be okay to talk to again.

I'd say something nasty to the people who have contributed to this, but I've learned the hard way that revenge leads to emptiness and/or self-destructing.

Anyway, I'm off to enter therapy again. Maybe we'll talk again one day. Probably not. Goodbye.

- One of the bravest, sincerest, & most persevering persons I've ever corresponded with.

Goodbye, with respect.
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Reformist
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12/27/2015 1:28:16 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
You talk about trolls and people insulting you

But you insult people who you debate and call them idiots

How about treating people the way they wanted to be treated? If people are arses to you and your an arse just deal with it. Don't cry about it

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12/27/2015 1:47:36 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
I really can't do this anymore. I know I'm not perfect and I probably deserved a fair bit of it, but these attacks are too much for me. I never told anyone this because I knew a troll would hear it and it would come back to haunt me (much like being honest about my dad did), but I have borderline and narcissism personality disorders. I know I've developed he narcissism purely because I cannot cope with my borderline. I just can't do it. I know I should get therapy for this, but my boyfriend will dump me if he finds out, like he did when I got some in the 5 months I was away from here. I just feel empty and never good enough. I tried to fill those holes with a lovely debate record, but it was never enough. I am super anxious whenever I'm not pretending to be a perfect goddess. I need help for this; I've suffered long enough.

I try not to let people know, because the trolls are relentless, but I cry every time I read "no wonder your dad bashed you". I know it's really weak, but I never got over the fact that I let him beat me and I just took it like a useless, pathetic loser. I just regret it so much and I always cry about it when I think of it. I feel exactly the same about my best friend who committed suicide. I just can't handle comments like this. I'm just so ashamed that I allowed them to happen. They're moments in my life which I would do anything to fix, and I feel unbelievable bad when I realise I can't.

I know Max has done everything to help and protect me, but I'm struggling so much and he is already working overtime to help me. I really feel bad that I waste so much of his time with all of this. I've really tried my best not to lose my temper (I had therapy for it), but as it stands, it's clear that how I'm behaving at the moment isn't good enough, and that I really feel I can't do any better.

I know that I can't handle people doing nasty things to me. It makes me incredibly frustrated and very angry. I've haven't been so angry in awhile until I saw someone suggesting that I had asked for nude pictures of her. I REALLY hate when people lie purely to slander people like that. But I didn't get over it. Last night, I had a dream about smashing her face in with a crowbar. I know that there's something wrong with me. I also had similar, intense feelings about those strategic votes on my debate. I know that I felt compelled to get those people back, and I spent hours scheming and acting just to try and destroy them. I know that this is dreadful and unacceptable, which is why I've decided to leave forever.

I can't take this anymore. I feel humiliated and like a complete stuff-up for losing debates wherein people have trash-talked me. People just rub it in years later, too, which is infuriating. I feel sick and depressed whenever people remind me of how dreadful my past is. I really don't like the person I've become, because I tried so hard to avoid it. I know people will want to talk with me when I leave, but don't. I don't want my mess of a life destroying yours. My friends on here are people I really like, and I know that the person I'm perceived as here is far removed from the sensitive, anxious, depressed person who suffers from personality disorders in reality. Maybe when I'm fixed I'll be okay to talk to again.

I'd say something nasty to the people who have contributed to this, but I've learned the hard way that revenge leads to emptiness and/or self-destructing.

Anyway, I'm off to enter therapy again. Maybe we'll talk again one day. Probably not. Goodbye.

Goodbye. I hope that eventually your personality will change and you'll be surrounded by people who love and care about you.
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Greyparrot
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12/27/2015 2:00:45 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 1:00:04 AM, bsh1 wrote:
At 12/27/2015 12:15:29 AM, Hayd wrote:

While I understand many people's frustration with Zarro, and I must admit that now that she's leaving, has revealed such personal information to us, and exposed her vulnerabilities, it is not really appropriate to continue to badger her. You shouldn't kick someone when they're down.

+1
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12/27/2015 2:02:23 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 1:52:58 AM, WillYouMarryMe wrote:
Get well soon.
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Benshapiro
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12/27/2015 2:05:11 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
If you've been attacking her you have mental problems too. So I hope everyone gets the help they need. She's done herself a big favor by leaving.
Skepsikyma
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12/27/2015 2:27:35 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:


Best of luck, Zarro. I know someone very closely in 'real life' who has been going through a fraction of what you're going through, and it is incredibly difficult to cope with. I hope that you're able to find some degree of peace, whether you return here or not. Transformation is painful, and you've obviously taken some steps in that direction.

Lighthearted joking is one thing, but there's a point at which it becomes excessive. If the other person is incapable of reigning themselves in, it falls on the other person to cultivate self-control, not just for the other person's sake, but for their own. The people involved in this ought to be chastened by their own actions.

"If one holds oneself dear, one should diligently watch oneself. Let the wise man keep vigil during any of the three watches of the night.

One should first establish oneself in what is proper; then only should one instruct others. Thus the wise man will not be reproached.

One should do what one teaches others to do; if one would train others, one should be well controlled oneself. Difficult, indeed, is self-control.

One truly is the protector of oneself; who else could the protector be? With oneself fully controlled, one gains a mastery that is hard to gain.

The evil a witless man does by himself, born of himself and produced by himself, grinds him as a diamond grinds a hard gem.

Just as a single creeper strangles the tree on which it grows, even so, a man who is exceedingly depraved harms himself as only an enemy might wish.

[...]

By oneself is evil done; by oneself is one defiled. By oneself is evil left undone; by oneself is one made pure. Purity and impurity depend on oneself; no one can purify another."

- Dhammapada 'Attavagga' -
"The Collectivist experiment is thoroughly suited (in appearance at least) to the Capitalist society which it proposes to replace. It works with the existing machinery of Capitalism, talks and thinks in the existing terms of Capitalism, appeals to just those appetites which Capitalism has aroused, and ridicules as fantastic and unheard-of just those things in society the memory of which Capitalism has killed among men wherever the blight of it has spread."
- Hilaire Belloc -
Khaos_Mage
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12/27/2015 2:43:05 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:09:19 AM, Zarroette wrote:
If your boyfriend can't support you getting the help you know you need, then fvck him. THat is unacceptable. Find someone that actually supports you. With all the sh!t you've been through (and your disorders are a result of it), you deserve to be with someone who cares enough about you to let you get help you seek.

What you really need to do is find peace, and surround yourself with those that actually care about you, and ignore those that attack you out of spite. It's hard, but you've got to let go of your anger.

Remember, I, more than most people, can share in your similar experiences. Frankly, I wish I sought help years ago, and I have wanted to see a therapist for over ten years now, but could never afford it. So, kudos to you for getting help.
Be proud of what you survived, but don't let its effect rule your life.

Good luck, Cassie.
Remember, there are always people who care, you just have to find them.
My work here is, finally, done.
Khaos_Mage
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12/27/2015 2:49:21 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 12/27/2015 12:38:04 AM, Rosalie wrote:

This whole post isn't even from the heart, its just for pittty.
For people with emotional damages as severe as hers, you have know idea what from her heart means. Her heart is not your heart.

She won't change, nor will she ever.
Except she has, so.....there goes your logic.

You should be ashamed of yourself.
My work here is, finally, done.