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My best friend died today

TUF
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1/7/2016 7:21:40 PM
Posted: 11 months ago
https://drive.google.com...

Today my best friend in the world died. I don't think I deserve the title of being his best friend though. Not even in the slightest. A real best friend would have listened to him. I mean really listened. I couldn't do that. I heard him, but his depression was never real to me. I thought it would be over when he finally got over the girl that broke his heart. He even had multiple suicide attempts that I never thought were real. He over dosed on pills multiple times but lived through it. I payed lots of money to put him through a class that I thought would help. But that was wrong. He didn't want some stupid therapy thing. He wanted to be understood, to be heard. No one did. Not me, not his brother, not his family, not anyone.
Today adam shot himself.
This was a reality I knew would one day come and yet I never prevented it. I did the worst thing a best friend could do and let him go, stopped worrying about it.
I don't blame myself for his death, I don't want to be mis-interpreted. I know it was self destruction that led to this. He was torturing himself for a long time, and I hope that he is somewhere better than the hell on earth he was in.

But I could have stopped it I think. The problem was, that I couldn't convince him that life was this amazing thing to be worth living. In truth, my world views are almost parallel to his. How the hell could I ever lie to his face like everyone else has and tell him that life isn't some fvcked up charade and that all the people in it are all just pretending? The difference is adam stopped pretending, where I see there is value in pretending. I cannot deny in any sense that most of what he says is true.

One night I had taken a little too much wine. I was on vacation and had just put adam through this class I mentioned above. I thought he was doing great after taking it, that it was over. I got a message from one of his ex girlfriends saying that he was acting crazy and that he was being maniacally depressed. My initial reaction was anger. I had gone virtually broke to put him through this class, and it did nothing for him. I instantly broke down in the middle of the street in the keys and started crying hysterically and screaming, despite a few confused and scared civilians being in the area. I proceeded to call him on his phone and leave him the nastiest voice message I ever left anyone.

What a fvcking idiotic thing to do. The next day I got a phone call and was told that adam had attempted suicide. He wrote the above note that night and sent it to me some time later. So I've held on to this letter for over a year now. In this note he promised he would do it. He told me and his family this would happen. How did I handle it? I let him go. I dismissed him as being dead after having read this. His brother and I kicked him out of our apartment and he's been living with his dad up until this morning when he did the deed. We didnt know how to handle him, didnt want to. For me it was different though. Why bother telling someone life has meaning when you yourself don't believe it does either? Not once during the last year did I ever go to his house or try to reach out to him. Subconsciously I knew this was a reality but I pretended and told myself that he could never do it for reals. That there was nothing I could do to help him.

Even though I agree with a lot of that letter (the parts about his world view), I still wish I had tried harder to let him know I understood him. I tried to change him because that's what your supposed to do. Your supposed to tell people things will be okay, that things will get better. Adam didn't want any of that. He wanted them to understand him, to know why he feels this way. People kept saying that this was a mental disorder, that it was psychological self destruction. He wouldn't take his meds. Maybe he understood and saw that the meds were a temporary cure, not a permanent solution. I don't think he had a "mental disorder" or that his depression should be classified as that. Today adam made a choice and he made it for reasons that I can't say with a good heart were bad reasons. His family is devastated, but I don't think he should have stayed and tortured himself longer because he didn't want to hurt them. They had already given up on him too.

If I could tell adam anything right now it would be that I love you, like a brother. I know why you did this and I will miss you. I remember the parts of life that were happy. People loved you and your loving personality. People reject that because they aren't used to it. The world and reality has taught many people to live in fear of love.

But I loved you because of your undying love for others. I regret horribly how I handled you. I was selfish, prideful, and angry, and now a very beautiful person is gone from the world.

I don't know what happens after death, if there is a God, a heaven or just nothing. Wherever you are though, I hope you are happier than you were on earth. I hope you can see yourself in the beauty that I saw you. I don't think anyone understands you the way I do. Your words deserve to be heard though, in case someone does.
"I've got to go and grab a shirt" ~ Airmax1227
RyuuKyuzo
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1/7/2016 7:27:01 PM
Posted: 11 months ago
Jeez... sorry for you loss, TUF. That's really rough.
If you're reading this, you're awesome and you should feel awesome.
TheFlex
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1/7/2016 7:28:46 PM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 1/7/2016 7:21:40 PM, TUF wrote:


I'm sorry to see this happened to you.
If you need to talk to someone just shoot me a PM, I'll be here.
RyuuKyuzo
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1/7/2016 7:36:50 PM
Posted: 11 months ago
I'm seeing quite a bit about girl-troubles in his note. In fact the very last thing he defines himself as before ending the letter is "ex boyfriend."

It really is a sad part of reality, but it seems like the older people get, the harder it is for them to remain stable without having a significant-other. It's very easy fall into a vicious cycle of self-deprecation if you don't have someone constantly buffing your self-esteem. He has a point, though. It's hard to go from single to "in a relationship" if you're already depressed, which in turn feeds into your depression.

I don't know if that was the core of his issue, since I don't know him outside of this letter, but for a lot of people who choose to take their own lives, it is.

This is all very heart-wrenching to read.
If you're reading this, you're awesome and you should feel awesome.
Geogeer
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1/7/2016 7:41:57 PM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 1/7/2016 7:21:40 PM, TUF wrote:

My condolences to you and his other loved ones in this hour of sorrow.

While I know it is probably meaningless to you, I will pray for his soul and yours.
Maikuru
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1/8/2016 2:05:28 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 1/7/2016 7:21:40 PM, TUF wrote:

That is terrible news and I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you have a network of people you care about around you right now who may be able to offer their support. I haven't been what you've been through, but you can pm me at any time if you want to talk about things.
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thett3
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1/8/2016 2:50:17 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
This moved me to tears. I'm so sorry for your loss, TUF. We all care about you very much
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lannan13
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1/8/2016 4:00:07 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
Sad.
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PetersSmith
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1/8/2016 4:47:34 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 1/7/2016 7:21:40 PM, TUF wrote:

I know this is super cliche, but you alone could not have helped alleviate his suffering. He either wouldn't believe you or wouldn't want you to understand him because, if you did, he didn't want you to see him as the "monster he is". It's really sad but he wanted to protect others from himself as well as himself from others. The choice doesn't matter if the outcome is the same. So many things were probably accumulating within him that he was dead-set on it (he didn't mention you at all in the first suicide note), and a similar situation probably occurred today recently, or maybe he never "recovered" at all and was still just waiting for the right moment. From the first note it seems that he was paying attention to only the negative things and missed all the good things around him. Some events happen whether we want them to or not, and there was clearly no way you could have expected this today. According to my belief he is certainly in a better place, but you need to remember him not as how he thought of himself, rather the good person within the broken shell. You can try to talk to his family about it and help them overcome grief, but most importantly you need to go along with what he wanted, which was for everyone else to be happy ("the world would be a better place without me"). I obviously do not know the full story, nor do I wish to offend you and/or him with this. But things like this can be taxing on everyone, not just the sufferer (which he apparently understood). So you can't blame yourself and it only seems emergency admittance could have helped him, but it was too late by then. He had made up his mind. Appreciate him for who he was, not for what he thought he was/how he was forced to act. Not calling it a mental disorder (depression doesn't seem like the only issue here) is dismissing the "need help" fact and also, in a way, blaming him for his thoughts and actions when, in reality, he was trying really hard to fight it, but couldn't do it anymore. So, try to do what he couldn't, which is to see the beautiful things around you.
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Buddamoose
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1/8/2016 4:57:48 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
My heart goes out to you, and this person and those close to him, TUF. Speaking from personal experience suicide is very difficult to deal with, and it takes a long time for someone to cope with it. It's been almost a decade and I still break down or have to fight the urge to, when I think about my own friend that did the same.

Guilt, shame, anger, sadness, its all a part of it, and though certain things like guilt and shame arent necessarily merited, that really doesn't stop a person in that situation from feeling them. If you want someone to talk to, I am here for ya.

*hugs*
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Diqiucun_Cunmin
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1/8/2016 2:44:45 PM
Posted: 11 months ago
My condolences, TUF. :(
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cybertron1998
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1/8/2016 4:28:32 PM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 1/8/2016 4:47:34 AM, PetersSmith wrote:
At 1/7/2016 7:21:40 PM, TUF wrote:

I know this is super cliche, but you alone could not have helped alleviate his suffering. He either wouldn't believe you or wouldn't want you to understand him because, if you did, he didn't want you to see him as the "monster he is". It's really sad but he wanted to protect others from himself as well as himself from others. The choice doesn't matter if the outcome is the same. So many things were probably accumulating within him that he was dead-set on it (he didn't mention you at all in the first suicide note), and a similar situation probably occurred today recently, or maybe he never "recovered" at all and was still just waiting for the right moment. From the first note it seems that he was paying attention to only the negative things and missed all the good things around him. Some events happen whether we want them to or not, and there was clearly no way you could have expected this today. According to my belief he is certainly in a better place, but you need to remember him not as how he thought of himself, rather the good person within the broken shell. You can try to talk to his family about it and help them overcome grief, but most importantly you need to go along with what he wanted, which was for everyone else to be happy ("the world would be a better place without me"). I obviously do not know the full story, nor do I wish to offend you and/or him with this. But things like this can be taxing on everyone, not just the sufferer (which he apparently understood). So you can't blame yourself and it only seems emergency admittance could have helped him, but it was too late by then. He had made up his mind. Appreciate him for who he was, not for what he thought he was/how he was forced to act. Not calling it a mental disorder (depression doesn't seem like the only issue here) is dismissing the "need help" fact and also, in a way, blaming him for his thoughts and actions when, in reality, he was trying really hard to fight it, but couldn't do it anymore. So, try to do what he couldn't, which is to see the beautiful things around you.

well said
Epsilon: There are so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after. But the hero... never gets to see that ending. They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference. They'll never know if the day was really saved. In the end, they just have to have faith.
Magellan
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1/9/2016 12:03:30 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 1/7/2016 7:21:40 PM, TUF wrote:
https://drive.google.com...

Today my best friend in the world died. I don't think I deserve the title of being his best friend though. Not even in the slightest. A real best friend would have listened to him. I mean really listened. I couldn't do that. I heard him, but his depression was never real to me. I thought it would be over when he finally got over the girl that broke his heart. He even had multiple suicide attempts that I never thought were real. He over dosed on pills multiple times but lived through it. I payed lots of money to put him through a class that I thought would help. But that was wrong. He didn't want some stupid therapy thing. He wanted to be understood, to be heard. No one did. Not me, not his brother, not his family, not anyone.
Today adam shot himself.
This was a reality I knew would one day come and yet I never prevented it. I did the worst thing a best friend could do and let him go, stopped worrying about it.
I don't blame myself for his death, I don't want to be mis-interpreted. I know it was self destruction that led to this. He was torturing himself for a long time, and I hope that he is somewhere better than the hell on earth he was in.

But I could have stopped it I think. The problem was, that I couldn't convince him that life was this amazing thing to be worth living. In truth, my world views are almost parallel to his. How the hell could I ever lie to his face like everyone else has and tell him that life isn't some fvcked up charade and that all the people in it are all just pretending? The difference is adam stopped pretending, where I see there is value in pretending. I cannot deny in any sense that most of what he says is true.

One night I had taken a little too much wine. I was on vacation and had just put adam through this class I mentioned above. I thought he was doing great after taking it, that it was over. I got a message from one of his ex girlfriends saying that he was acting crazy and that he was being maniacally depressed. My initial reaction was anger. I had gone virtually broke to put him through this class, and it did nothing for him. I instantly broke down in the middle of the street in the keys and started crying hysterically and screaming, despite a few confused and scared civilians being in the area. I proceeded to call him on his phone and leave him the nastiest voice message I ever left anyone.


Will pray for you, your family and his as well in this time of loss. God can and will bind up all the troubles of the heart. All things for the Glory of Him. May you find hope and purpose in this someday.
tajshar2k
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1/9/2016 3:18:57 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
At 1/7/2016 7:21:40 PM, TUF wrote:
https://drive.google.com...

Today my best friend in the world died. I don't think I deserve the title of being his best friend though. Not even in the slightest. A real best friend would have listened to him. I mean really listened. I couldn't do that. I heard him, but his depression was never real to me. I thought it would be over when he finally got over the girl that broke his heart. He even had multiple suicide attempts that I never thought were real. He over dosed on pills multiple times but lived through it. I payed lots of money to put him through a class that I thought would help. But that was wrong. He didn't want some stupid therapy thing. He wanted to be understood, to be heard. No one did. Not me, not his brother, not his family, not anyone.
Today adam shot himself.
This was a reality I knew would one day come and yet I never prevented it. I did the worst thing a best friend could do and let him go, stopped worrying about it.
I don't blame myself for his death, I don't want to be mis-interpreted. I know it was self destruction that led to this. He was torturing himself for a long time, and I hope that he is somewhere better than the hell on earth he was in.

But I could have stopped it I think. The problem was, that I couldn't convince him that life was this amazing thing to be worth living. In truth, my world views are almost parallel to his. How the hell could I ever lie to his face like everyone else has and tell him that life isn't some fvcked up charade and that all the people in it are all just pretending? The difference is adam stopped pretending, where I see there is value in pretending. I cannot deny in any sense that most of what he says is true.

One night I had taken a little too much wine. I was on vacation and had just put adam through this class I mentioned above. I thought he was doing great after taking it, that it was over. I got a message from one of his ex girlfriends saying that he was acting crazy and that he was being maniacally depressed. My initial reaction was anger. I had gone virtually broke to put him through this class, and it did nothing for him. I instantly broke down in the middle of the street in the keys and started crying hysterically and screaming, despite a few confused and scared civilians being in the area. I proceeded to call him on his phone and leave him the nastiest voice message I ever left anyone.

What a fvcking idiotic thing to do. The next day I got a phone call and was told that adam had attempted suicide. He wrote the above note that night and sent it to me some time later. So I've held on to this letter for over a year now. In this note he promised he would do it. He told me and his family this would happen. How did I handle it? I let him go. I dismissed him as being dead after having read this. His brother and I kicked him out of our apartment and he's been living with his dad up until this morning when he did the deed. We didnt know how to handle him, didnt want to. For me it was different though. Why bother telling someone life has meaning when you yourself don't believe it does either? Not once during the last year did I ever go to his house or try to reach out to him. Subconsciously I knew this was a reality but I pretended and told myself that he could never do it for reals. That there was nothing I could do to help him.

Even though I agree with a lot of that letter (the parts about his world view), I still wish I had tried harder to let him know I understood him. I tried to change him because that's what your supposed to do. Your supposed to tell people things will be okay, that things will get better. Adam didn't want any of that. He wanted them to understand him, to know why he feels this way. People kept saying that this was a mental disorder, that it was psychological self destruction. He wouldn't take his meds. Maybe he understood and saw that the meds were a temporary cure, not a permanent solution. I don't think he had a "mental disorder" or that his depression should be classified as that. Today adam made a choice and he made it for reasons that I can't say with a good heart were bad reasons. His family is devastated, but I don't think he should have stayed and tortured himself longer because he didn't want to hurt them. They had already given up on him too.

If I could tell adam anything right now it would be that I love you, like a brother. I know why you did this and I will miss you. I remember the parts of life that were happy. People loved you and your loving personality. People reject that because they aren't used to it. The world and reality has taught many people to live in fear of love.

But I loved you because of your undying love for others. I regret horribly how I handled you. I was selfish, prideful, and angry, and now a very beautiful person is gone from the world.

I don't know what happens after death, if there is a God, a heaven or just nothing. Wherever you are though, I hope you are happier than you were on earth. I hope you can see yourself in the beauty that I saw you. I don't think anyone understands you the way I do. Your words deserve to be heard though, in case someone does.

My condolences :(
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Raisor
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1/9/2016 6:28:20 PM
Posted: 11 months ago
There aren't any answers or solutions to this sort of thing. You can look up statistics on multiple suicide attempts, causes, preventative measures....all you can really do is fight it and hope for the best.

It sounds like you did a lot for your friend, that both you and he tried to fight it...don't let the details drive you crazy, you fought and that's what's important.

I'm really sorry.
Sapphique
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1/10/2016 5:18:31 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
Like some others above, I also cried while reading his letter. So sorry for your loss, TUF :( Every time something like this happens I never know quite what to say...I agree with what Peters said earlier though--try to see the beautiful things in the world, and remember that happiness does exist, and that it will sparkle like glass in the sunlight if only the angle is right (see sig). Idk if it means anything to you, but I'll pray for you and for the family. You have my condolences.
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bsh1
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1/10/2016 5:22:00 AM
Posted: 11 months ago
Condolences, TUF.
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Chuz-Life
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1/10/2016 4:25:07 PM
Posted: 10 months ago
I have read through this thread several times now, TUF and I'm sorry for your loss. I found the young man's obituary and see that his services were set for today. I'm sorry for his family's loss too. It's clear that your friend was loved in spite of the feelings expressed in his note.

Like you, I share a lot of the same symptoms, views and feelings that he expressed in his note.

You have a lot of friends here on the site and I hope in real life too. I hope you are allowing them "in" to give you some support.
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Skepsikyma
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1/10/2016 7:57:35 PM
Posted: 10 months ago
At 1/7/2016 7:21:40 PM, TUF wrote:

I've had friends who've also gone through depression. This was actually one of the things which best helped me to understand and connect with them, and is one of the best visual depictions of the mindset that I've ever found:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com...

It's a really difficult situation to understand and deal with, because there's no 'fix' too it which isn't internally derived. And that just makes it even more tragic and horrible when something like this happens.
"The Collectivist experiment is thoroughly suited (in appearance at least) to the Capitalist society which it proposes to replace. It works with the existing machinery of Capitalism, talks and thinks in the existing terms of Capitalism, appeals to just those appetites which Capitalism has aroused, and ridicules as fantastic and unheard-of just those things in society the memory of which Capitalism has killed among men wherever the blight of it has spread."
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TUF
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1/13/2016 7:52:20 PM
Posted: 10 months ago
Thank you to everyone who expressed their sentiments. I deeply appreciate the thoughtfulness shown.
"I've got to go and grab a shirt" ~ Airmax1227
TUF
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1/14/2016 7:07:46 PM
Posted: 10 months ago
At 1/14/2016 6:39:41 AM, F-16_Fighting_Falcon wrote:
Sorry for your loss TUF. You did everything you could. My PM inbox is always open if you want to talk.

Thanks mate. It's getting a little better now. Been celebrating his life with his family and it's brought our mood up a bit.
"I've got to go and grab a shirt" ~ Airmax1227