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About my mother

1harderthanyouthink
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4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
Some of you may know from private interaction or side comments about my life that my mother is a piece of sh!t. Sure, I've ranted at length about family on here, but I feel like I haven't given a full picture of her.

Out of the house:

All smile. If she's in a social situation, she gives off good impressions. She's also begun, recently, to spend more time out of the house, getting drunk and spending nights at other peoples' homes. She's a different person out of the home, frankly. She becomes someone people are okay with.

She needs to look good in front of people, publicly. It's her facade.

In the home

She controls the home. She manipulates, with threat of withdrawal (she locks herself in her room, doesn't speak to anyone, or goes out for stretches over 24 hours) and rage if things don't go her way. She starts sh!t, and expects an apology after even one-sided exchanges, where she both starts and finishes with little to no interruption. She likes to feign offense, saying I owe her so much. I'm ungrateful. She screams, curses, kicks and screams. When she fights, she fights to shut the other person down and make sure they know she's the one in control.

So I withdraw when she gets home. If she's in a bad mood, and she starts stuff with me, and I don't answer - she circles back with more comments, building up the severity of criticisms. Then she is satisfied if I'm visibly upset. She returns to normal - or just the threat of consequence - when she forces an apology out of me. It wouldn't bother me to apologize if she didn't use it to explain that I was behaving poorly and that I know I am - she often talks about me on the phone - usually a few feet from my door when she needs a control orgasm.

My best hours are the time between school and when she gets home. That's when I feel mentally free. When she gets home, I have to tiptoe around (verbally and sometimes physically) as to not set her off.

And when she does inevitably do something, if I show my anger enough as to question her - all of her missteps are denied. Over the years, she has learned how to rationalize abuse - and this has gotten her out of trouble on a few occassions.

She's amazing at comparing people. I've been compared to my oldest brother, herself, other family members, and even friends she has never met - because "they're probably doing better than (me)". She's said she likes me less. She's said I'm defective. She takes credit for things I do well at in school. She'll tell me that everyone but her is so selfish. She's insanely defensive, manipulative, a liar, and envious - she'll take good times for me and kill them deliberately.

But none of that is the worst she's done. By far, the worst thing about her is not her terrorism, but the way she tries to make me look crazy. When she gets me upset, she tells me to take medication. My memory makes things up, according to her. She does not remember (insert thing she did). Her most creative - I don't know what I'm talking about. She says I hurt her. She has said there is something wrong with me that makes it hard to parent.

Combined with her social skills, she plays it out so perfectly that if I were to tell someone she knows about all she has done (and I haven't even given specific incidents here), they would not be able to believe me.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

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Vox_Veritas
Posts: 7,072
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4/16/2016 7:55:07 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
Some of you may know from private interaction or side comments about my life that my mother is a piece of sh!t. Sure, I've ranted at length about family on here, but I feel like I haven't given a full picture of her.

Out of the house:

All smile. If she's in a social situation, she gives off good impressions. She's also begun, recently, to spend more time out of the house, getting drunk and spending nights at other peoples' homes. She's a different person out of the home, frankly. She becomes someone people are okay with.

She needs to look good in front of people, publicly. It's her facade.

In the home

She controls the home. She manipulates, with threat of withdrawal (she locks herself in her room, doesn't speak to anyone, or goes out for stretches over 24 hours) and rage if things don't go her way. She starts sh!t, and expects an apology after even one-sided exchanges, where she both starts and finishes with little to no interruption. She likes to feign offense, saying I owe her so much. I'm ungrateful. She screams, curses, kicks and screams. When she fights, she fights to shut the other person down and make sure they know she's the one in control.

So I withdraw when she gets home. If she's in a bad mood, and she starts stuff with me, and I don't answer - she circles back with more comments, building up the severity of criticisms. Then she is satisfied if I'm visibly upset. She returns to normal - or just the threat of consequence - when she forces an apology out of me. It wouldn't bother me to apologize if she didn't use it to explain that I was behaving poorly and that I know I am - she often talks about me on the phone - usually a few feet from my door when she needs a control orgasm.

My best hours are the time between school and when she gets home. That's when I feel mentally free. When she gets home, I have to tiptoe around (verbally and sometimes physically) as to not set her off.

And when she does inevitably do something, if I show my anger enough as to question her - all of her missteps are denied. Over the years, she has learned how to rationalize abuse - and this has gotten her out of trouble on a few occassions.

She's amazing at comparing people. I've been compared to my oldest brother, herself, other family members, and even friends she has never met - because "they're probably doing better than (me)". She's said she likes me less. She's said I'm defective. She takes credit for things I do well at in school. She'll tell me that everyone but her is so selfish. She's insanely defensive, manipulative, a liar, and envious - she'll take good times for me and kill them deliberately.

But none of that is the worst she's done. By far, the worst thing about her is not her terrorism, but the way she tries to make me look crazy. When she gets me upset, she tells me to take medication. My memory makes things up, according to her. She does not remember (insert thing she did). Her most creative - I don't know what I'm talking about. She says I hurt her. She has said there is something wrong with me that makes it hard to parent.

Combined with her social skills, she plays it out so perfectly that if I were to tell someone she knows about all she has done (and I haven't even given specific incidents here), they would not be able to believe me.

Have you tried pretending to take the medication?
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PetersSmith
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4/16/2016 8:02:31 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:

She sounds like a semi-borderline with a superiority complex. I can't imagine having a parent like that. It's extremely impressive that you're still trying your hardest to not let her bring you down to make her feel better about herself.
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1harderthanyouthink
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4/16/2016 8:08:33 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/16/2016 7:55:07 PM, Vox_Veritas wrote:
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
Some of you may know from private interaction or side comments about my life that my mother is a piece of sh!t. Sure, I've ranted at length about family on here, but I feel like I haven't given a full picture of her.

Out of the house:

All smile. If she's in a social situation, she gives off good impressions. She's also begun, recently, to spend more time out of the house, getting drunk and spending nights at other peoples' homes. She's a different person out of the home, frankly. She becomes someone people are okay with.

She needs to look good in front of people, publicly. It's her facade.

In the home

She controls the home. She manipulates, with threat of withdrawal (she locks herself in her room, doesn't speak to anyone, or goes out for stretches over 24 hours) and rage if things don't go her way. She starts sh!t, and expects an apology after even one-sided exchanges, where she both starts and finishes with little to no interruption. She likes to feign offense, saying I owe her so much. I'm ungrateful. She screams, curses, kicks and screams. When she fights, she fights to shut the other person down and make sure they know she's the one in control.

So I withdraw when she gets home. If she's in a bad mood, and she starts stuff with me, and I don't answer - she circles back with more comments, building up the severity of criticisms. Then she is satisfied if I'm visibly upset. She returns to normal - or just the threat of consequence - when she forces an apology out of me. It wouldn't bother me to apologize if she didn't use it to explain that I was behaving poorly and that I know I am - she often talks about me on the phone - usually a few feet from my door when she needs a control orgasm.

My best hours are the time between school and when she gets home. That's when I feel mentally free. When she gets home, I have to tiptoe around (verbally and sometimes physically) as to not set her off.

And when she does inevitably do something, if I show my anger enough as to question her - all of her missteps are denied. Over the years, she has learned how to rationalize abuse - and this has gotten her out of trouble on a few occassions.

She's amazing at comparing people. I've been compared to my oldest brother, herself, other family members, and even friends she has never met - because "they're probably doing better than (me)". She's said she likes me less. She's said I'm defective. She takes credit for things I do well at in school. She'll tell me that everyone but her is so selfish. She's insanely defensive, manipulative, a liar, and envious - she'll take good times for me and kill them deliberately.

But none of that is the worst she's done. By far, the worst thing about her is not her terrorism, but the way she tries to make me look crazy. When she gets me upset, she tells me to take medication. My memory makes things up, according to her. She does not remember (insert thing she did). Her most creative - I don't know what I'm talking about. She says I hurt her. She has said there is something wrong with me that makes it hard to parent.

Combined with her social skills, she plays it out so perfectly that if I were to tell someone she knows about all she has done (and I haven't even given specific incidents here), they would not be able to believe me.

Have you tried pretending to take the medication?

Yes.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

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RyuuKyuzo
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4/16/2016 9:13:05 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
But none of that is the worst she's done. By far, the worst thing about her is not her terrorism, but the way she tries to make me look crazy. When she gets me upset, she tells me to take medication. My memory makes things up, according to her. She does not remember (insert thing she did). Her most creative - I don't know what I'm talking about. She says I hurt her. She has said there is something wrong with me that makes it hard to parent.

Well that's a big red-flag. I had a girlfriend like that once, only she wasn't nearly that obvious about it.

I'm no shrink, but it sounds like your mom has some degree of sociopathy.
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YYW
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4/16/2016 10:11:57 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/16/2016 9:13:05 PM, RyuuKyuzo wrote:
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
But none of that is the worst she's done. By far, the worst thing about her is not her terrorism, but the way she tries to make me look crazy. When she gets me upset, she tells me to take medication. My memory makes things up, according to her. She does not remember (insert thing she did). Her most creative - I don't know what I'm talking about. She says I hurt her. She has said there is something wrong with me that makes it hard to parent.


Well that's a big red-flag. I had a girlfriend like that once, only she wasn't nearly that obvious about it.

I'm no shrink, but it sounds like your mom has some degree of sociopathy.

I've suspected the same.
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bsh1
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4/17/2016 4:56:42 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
*hugs*
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Sapphique
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4/17/2016 5:41:38 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:

I think, if my mother were like that, I'd have seriously contemplated punching her in the face by now. I don't know how you manage :/
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1harderthanyouthink
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4/17/2016 8:05:24 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/17/2016 5:41:38 AM, Sapphique wrote:
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:

I think, if my mother were like that, I'd have seriously contemplated punching her in the face by now. I don't know how you manage :/

I've seriously contemplated a bit worse.
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And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

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Vaarka
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4/17/2016 10:35:08 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:

*hugs*
I'm open to talk if you ever want to rant or something.
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Sapphique
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4/17/2016 11:02:15 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/17/2016 8:05:24 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
I've seriously contemplated a bit worse.

Can't pretend to know what you go through, but I'll just echo Vaar's post above ^.^
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1harderthanyouthink
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4/18/2016 1:41:42 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
10 minutes ago:

Me, snapping: "Don't you have anything better to do?"

Her: "No."
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

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1harderthanyouthink
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4/18/2016 1:48:37 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
If I leave the room you come into 10 times in 5 minutes, it might be a sign I don't want to talk to you. A normal person might accept that.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

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Aguilajoyce
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4/18/2016 2:00:43 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
Hmmm... I'm no therapist either, but I've a long history of dealing with dysfunctional families. I have been so traumatized by erratic behavior that if ever I encounter it in my adult life, the anxiety of my childhood instantly resurfaces. If I can avoid them I will, if I can't, I have to speak up...which is extremely hard for me... What I have found is that some people (most, really) suffer from some ill-adjustment...lol. However, some are accepting of constructive input i.e., they are aware to some degree, that their relationships are suffering (although the cause is lost to them). So if you explain the whole intent versus impact thing to them, they usually make some progress (if only with you). The alternative response is not the person who becomes defensive because they're offended by your concern/comments, but the person who refuses them in order to avoid taking accountability for their actions. These are among the most loathsome in my opinion, so I usually flee. I recently resigned a position (cushy job) because I had to work hand in hand with a person like this. The anxiety it caused simply made it not worth the money or the perks.

The only advice I can offer you regarding your mother is to 'start talking'. Find out what specifically she expects of you. What concretely does she want from you? Around the house, at school, how she wants to be addressed (when you agree and disagree),etc. Be excruciatingly specific in your requests which forces her to do the same with her responses. Write these things down!!!! Let her read them and confirm... Why??? Because flakes will wriggle out of everything!!! Lol. You tell her what you expect from her, as well. Do not talk about attitudes, emotions..."Youre always angry/upset when"... "You think you/I"..."I feel like you want"...lol. I know its there, but let these things be for now. The attitudes/emotions should change with the increased functionality of the relationship. So stay concrete, and focus on what you did/will do and why...
This is the ONLY way I was able to make my mom (alcoholic) see that I was not the problem, or the justification for her drinking. Hold her to what she says, and let her hold you to what you say. Post the rules of engagement in common areas around the home. This doesnt mean that you or she has to be perfect. What it means is that you and she have agreed to move towards productive or constructive interchange.
If you both not bound by the goal to make the situation better, you will continue to fall back into the blame game.

My heart goes out to you... Wishing you the very best of luck (along with hope and healing).
Wylted
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4/21/2016 4:26:18 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:


But none of that is the worst she's done. By far, the worst thing about her is not her terrorism, but the way she tries to make me look crazy. When she gets me upset, she tells me to take medication. My memory makes things up, according to her. She does not remember (insert thing she did). Her most creative - I don't know what I'm talking about. She says I hurt her. She has said there is something wrong with me that makes it hard to parent.

It's called gaslighting. A lot of people do it without even realizing it.

Combined with her social skills, she plays it out so perfectly that if I were to tell someone she knows about all she has done (and I haven't even given specific incidents here), they would not be able to believe me.

Her actions are similar to numerous drug addicts I have known. I wonder if she is an addict of some sort. I have never been in the situation, so I have no advice. I hope things get better, and I'd look into finding out if she is an addict and try to get her help.
Wylted
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4/21/2016 4:29:11 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/16/2016 9:13:05 PM, RyuuKyuzo wrote:
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
But none of that is the worst she's done. By far, the worst thing about her is not her terrorism, but the way she tries to make me look crazy. When she gets me upset, she tells me to take medication. My memory makes things up, according to her. She does not remember (insert thing she did). Her most creative - I don't know what I'm talking about. She says I hurt her. She has said there is something wrong with me that makes it hard to parent.


Well that's a big red-flag. I had a girlfriend like that once, only she wasn't nearly that obvious about it.

I'm no shrink, but it sounds like your mom has some degree of sociopathy.

All addicts are sociopaths it seems. Either sociopaths are prone to addiction or people just act sociopathic after becoming addicts. Perhaps it is a combination of both things. My guess is she is not a real sociopath though. Most sociopaths don't like to withdrawal and don't have genuine emotions. Maybe a psychopath though, but I doubt it.
Wylted
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4/21/2016 4:31:50 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/17/2016 8:05:24 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
At 4/17/2016 5:41:38 AM, Sapphique wrote:
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:

I think, if my mother were like that, I'd have seriously contemplated punching her in the face by now. I don't know how you manage :/

I've seriously contemplated a bit worse.

I used to pray to God every night that he would kill my dad. I know the feeling. Just try to remove yourself from the situation if you can. Call child services if you have to. I know I posted about my extremely negative experiences in the system, but not everybody has those experiences. Don't do anything that you'll regret.
1harderthanyouthink
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4/24/2016 5:52:28 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
If I'm gone a few days, you know why.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

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Dragon_of_Christ
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4/24/2016 5:56:16 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/24/2016 5:52:28 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
If I'm gone a few days, you know why.

If your person will believe in thy christian god then he shall inherit hell. If you decide follow the christian god you shall save him. Thy christian faith trancends all hate.
Jesus loves you.

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TUF
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4/24/2016 8:19:04 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/16/2016 7:31:45 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:


Harder. this really impacts me to read, I hate that you have to go through this. It hurts me because the same thing happened to me when I was a kid with my step mom. I was horrified of her, she was just like this. Very psychologically abusive, manipulative, and controlling. I know of other woman like this. They are intimidating, and kind of scary. I wish I had the answer for you on how to cope with this but I never faced my step mom. Luckily I was able to get out of the situation when I was 16 and she left my dad and cheated on him with like 5 people... If she hadn't left I'd probably still be stuck being scared of her.

Nobody should have to deal with that. I used to lock myself in my basement and kind of become anti-social. I read tons and tons of books. I would finish a book in a day, easily if it meant I didn't have to come upstairs. It sounds like she has a similar effect on you that my step mom had on me.

The only thing I can recommend is to try and get out of the situation if you can. Find a friend that is willing to take you in, if you can. Or tell a relative. She might not ever change, and in the meantime you are just going to be a victim of psychological abuse (which is in some cases worse than physical abuse). If you can get out, do. Woman with those type of narcissistic qualities with a lust for control sometimes never stop.
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