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should my daughter visit her mom in jail?

1924i
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4/23/2016 2:52:08 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
my wife will soon be entering county jail for eight months for a money crime. . I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my kids she is rightfully serving her punishment which is the right thing for her mistakes. I am wondering what is the best way to prepare for this situation and how to handle it. I have a daughter who is 15 and she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. She later joked about how her mother is "getting ordered around now". I think it is just a joke and I think it is better to be that way instead of being hysterical about it . I was originally not going to let her visit her mom in jail because I would think exposing her to that environment is not a good idea but I am actually hearing that it is a good idea to let her visit but why? isn't it a bad idea to let a 15 year old be exposed to a jail. She could easily be intimidated by the guards and inmates and just the area. My wife says bring her if she wants to visit but don't if she doesn't. She says she doesn't have a problem visiting but I am not sure. Also I want to make sure it doesn't feel like the whole family is in jail

also, should I tell my wife to keep quiet in jail? I would hope she doesn't talk to anyone there.
Peepette
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4/23/2016 3:10:23 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/23/2016 2:52:08 AM, 1924i wrote:
my wife will soon be entering county jail for eight months for a money crime. . I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my kids she is rightfully serving her punishment which is the right thing for her mistakes. I am wondering what is the best way to prepare for this situation and how to handle it. I have a daughter who is 15 and she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. She later joked about how her mother is "getting ordered around now". I think it is just a joke and I think it is better to be that way instead of being hysterical about it . I was originally not going to let her visit her mom in jail because I would think exposing her to that environment is not a good idea but I am actually hearing that it is a good idea to let her visit but why? isn't it a bad idea to let a 15 year old be exposed to a jail. She could easily be intimidated by the guards and inmates and just the area. My wife says bring her if she wants to visit but don't if she doesn't. She says she doesn't have a problem visiting but I am not sure. Also I want to make sure it doesn't feel like the whole family is in jail


also, should I tell my wife to keep quiet in jail? I would hope she doesn't talk to anyone there.

You've made a couple of good points. You are sticking by your spouse but recognize her mistake; that's good for the family dynamic. Your daughter is 15 and old enough to handle and understand the situation. Keeping a distance between your daughter and her mother will make readjusting to normalcy difficult when your wife returns. If everyone maintains honesty about the situation; how your wife got in jail and ramifications, your daughter will learn and grow from the experience. I think there are more down sides in keeping them apart than keeping lines of communication and affection open.
R0b1Billion
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4/23/2016 3:27:00 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/23/2016 2:52:08 AM, 1924i wrote:
my wife will soon be entering county jail for eight months for a money crime. . I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my kids she is rightfully serving her punishment which is the right thing for her mistakes.

Did you yourself profit from her money crimes? I'm curious about your personal culpability in the matter, not because I am interested in judging you but only because your post begs the question and you don't seem to answer it.

I am wondering what is the best way to prepare for this situation and how to handle it.

I don't believe you can prepare for it. You can only handle it. And handling it means not making it worse by trying too hard to prepare for it. This isn't a situation where a "my spouse is in jail for dummies" book is going to help you, it is a situation where you're suddenly going to be thrown pitches and you need to be able to hit them. When life is going good, you can coast through it and relax. But life is not going to be good for you for a while now, and you are going to have to be ready to deal with the criminal justice system as it exacts justice on your family. All you can do is make the responsible decisions while you weather the storm, and you'll know what they are when they come up. Don't give up on making time for scheduled visits, make sure all the paperwork is in order and stay on top of the lawyer-stuff, and be twice the parent you used to be for a limited-time while you are severely inconvenienced. The big thing is that you can't let the stress get to you. Gotta shake it off. What helps me is knowing that even when things are at their worst, there is always something to be thankful for. The story of Job helps, that guy had every possible thing thrown at him you could think of and he had to keep his faith that things would turn around.

I have a daughter who is 15 and she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. She later joked about how her mother is "getting ordered around now". I think it is just a joke and I think it is better to be that way instead of being hysterical about it . I was originally not going to let her visit her mom in jail because I would think exposing her to that environment is not a good idea but I am actually hearing that it is a good idea to let her visit but why? isn't it a bad idea to let a 15 year old be exposed to a jail. She could easily be intimidated by the guards and inmates and just the area. My wife says bring her if she wants to visit but don't if she doesn't. She says she doesn't have a problem visiting but I am not sure. Also I want to make sure it doesn't feel like the whole family is in jail

I brought my daughter into a jail when she was 2. I loved exposing her to it. I would expose her to crackheads doing crack if I could do it in a way that didn't carry some gross irresponsibility and danger to it, I mean I'd rather her see the actual effects of crime from criminals in despair as opposed to getting her knowledge from the cool kids in school who glamorize such things and only end up becoming desperate in later years after those decisions have been realized. Let the guards intimidate her. Then let her watch the Zimbardo Prison Study and she can realize why such people become the way they do. Let her see the system, don't shield her from it. I guarantee there's nothing in there that is going to cause real damage to a visitor.

also, should I tell my wife to keep quiet in jail? I would hope she doesn't talk to anyone there.

Now you're getting paranoid. First of all that idea is rather baseless, and second, I think she'll find that the people in there enlighten her more than anybody she has ever met. When I was 19 I got a DUI, and I was scheduled an interview to see what my consequences were. Everyone told me to say it was the only time I ever drank, lie through my teeth, and I'll escape with the lightest possible punishment. Something felt wrong about that, so I went in and said "yeah I smoke weed, yeah I drink, there ain't sh1t wrong with it and why should I feel bad about it?" She gave me intensive outpatient care for my problems and I believe I learned more about life in that program than I did getting my bachelor's degree. I remember I would sit next to a guy every day that jack-knifed his semi into a building while he was high on meth. One day they went around the room and asked everybody what they wanted to do with their lives. I was first, I told them I was thinking of starting college soon. I don't think there was a single person in there after me that didn't either directly or indirectly state that the way they were going to get their life back on track was by winning the lottery. Since then I have never bought a lottery ticket or gambled, I live in a relatively big gambling community and I'm the only person I know who's never stepped foot into a casino (I'm 35).

The decision she made was a poor one, but now that she is condemned, I think it can be a great learning experience for all of you. She won't be the same person when she gets out of jail, she'll have been exposed to people she is not accustomed to and that will make her a better person. Your daughter will be a better person after this, I have no doubt. She's old-enough that she can handle the time away from her mother and she'll see what the path of criminality leads to first-hand. Your wife will need your support more than ever, and as long as you don't let her down she will do fine. This is a test of your relationship you should be ready to jump at, it won't require preparation but only resolution. Don't waver in your support, don't lose your faith.
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Blade-of-Truth
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4/23/2016 7:00:32 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/23/2016 2:52:08 AM, 1924i wrote:
my wife will soon be entering county jail for eight months for a money crime. . I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my kids she is rightfully serving her punishment which is the right thing for her mistakes. I am wondering what is the best way to prepare for this situation and how to handle it. I have a daughter who is 15 and she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. She later joked about how her mother is "getting ordered around now". I think it is just a joke and I think it is better to be that way instead of being hysterical about it . I was originally not going to let her visit her mom in jail because I would think exposing her to that environment is not a good idea but I am actually hearing that it is a good idea to let her visit but why? isn't it a bad idea to let a 15 year old be exposed to a jail. She could easily be intimidated by the guards and inmates and just the area. My wife says bring her if she wants to visit but don't if she doesn't. She says she doesn't have a problem visiting but I am not sure. Also I want to make sure it doesn't feel like the whole family is in jail

It sounds like your daughter would be mature enough to handle it based on the way she's handled the entire situation thus far. Humor is a good form a medicine, so it seems like she's of a sound mind. I'd say go for it, but only if she wants to herself.

also, should I tell my wife to keep quiet in jail? I would hope she doesn't talk to anyone there.

No, jail isn't like prison. I spent 10 days in jail once and most of the people there are either awaiting their sentencing (and for the most part don't want to do anything that would add onto their potential sentence or hurt their not guilty plea), or are there serving a time of 1 year or less, so again, they probably don't want to do anything stupid to add more time to their sentence. Everyone I met was basically just playing the "waiting game". Of course there will be a fight here or there, but only if your wife is the instigator. If she just stays cool, she'll be fine. The most important fact to remember is that jail *is not* like prison.

It would be good for her to make friends and socialize, because above all else - jail is *extremely* boring. Just make sure she has money in her account for snacks and goods and she should be good to go.
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1924i
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4/25/2016 6:22:02 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/23/2016 7:00:32 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 4/23/2016 2:52:08 AM, 1924i wrote:
my wife will soon be entering county jail for eight months for a money crime. . I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my kids she is rightfully serving her punishment which is the right thing for her mistakes. I am wondering what is the best way to prepare for this situation and how to handle it. I have a daughter who is 15 and she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. She later joked about how her mother is "getting ordered around now". I think it is just a joke and I think it is better to be that way instead of being hysterical about it . I was originally not going to let her visit her mom in jail because I would think exposing her to that environment is not a good idea but I am actually hearing that it is a good idea to let her visit but why? isn't it a bad idea to let a 15 year old be exposed to a jail. She could easily be intimidated by the guards and inmates and just the area. My wife says bring her if she wants to visit but don't if she doesn't. She says she doesn't have a problem visiting but I am not sure. Also I want to make sure it doesn't feel like the whole family is in jail

It sounds like your daughter would be mature enough to handle it based on the way she's handled the entire situation thus far. Humor is a good form a medicine, so it seems like she's of a sound mind. I'd say go for it, but only if she wants to herself.

also, should I tell my wife to keep quiet in jail? I would hope she doesn't talk to anyone there.

No, jail isn't like prison. I spent 10 days in jail once and most of the people there are either awaiting their sentencing (and for the most part don't want to do anything that would add onto their potential sentence or hurt their not guilty plea), or are there serving a time of 1 year or less, so again, they probably don't want to do anything stupid to add more time to their sentence. Everyone I met was basically just playing the "waiting game". Of course there will be a fight here or there, but only if your wife is the instigator. If she just stays cool, she'll be fine. The most important fact to remember is that jail *is not* like prison.

It would be good for her to make friends and socialize, because above all else - jail is *extremely* boring. Just make sure she has money in her account for snacks and goods and she should be good to go.

Wouldn't interacting with people just lead to trouble? Who knows what they have done
Blade-of-Truth
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4/25/2016 6:24:16 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/25/2016 6:22:02 AM, 1924i wrote:
At 4/23/2016 7:00:32 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 4/23/2016 2:52:08 AM, 1924i wrote:
my wife will soon be entering county jail for eight months for a money crime. . I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my kids she is rightfully serving her punishment which is the right thing for her mistakes. I am wondering what is the best way to prepare for this situation and how to handle it. I have a daughter who is 15 and she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. She later joked about how her mother is "getting ordered around now". I think it is just a joke and I think it is better to be that way instead of being hysterical about it . I was originally not going to let her visit her mom in jail because I would think exposing her to that environment is not a good idea but I am actually hearing that it is a good idea to let her visit but why? isn't it a bad idea to let a 15 year old be exposed to a jail. She could easily be intimidated by the guards and inmates and just the area. My wife says bring her if she wants to visit but don't if she doesn't. She says she doesn't have a problem visiting but I am not sure. Also I want to make sure it doesn't feel like the whole family is in jail

It sounds like your daughter would be mature enough to handle it based on the way she's handled the entire situation thus far. Humor is a good form a medicine, so it seems like she's of a sound mind. I'd say go for it, but only if she wants to herself.

also, should I tell my wife to keep quiet in jail? I would hope she doesn't talk to anyone there.

No, jail isn't like prison. I spent 10 days in jail once and most of the people there are either awaiting their sentencing (and for the most part don't want to do anything that would add onto their potential sentence or hurt their not guilty plea), or are there serving a time of 1 year or less, so again, they probably don't want to do anything stupid to add more time to their sentence. Everyone I met was basically just playing the "waiting game". Of course there will be a fight here or there, but only if your wife is the instigator. If she just stays cool, she'll be fine. The most important fact to remember is that jail *is not* like prison.

It would be good for her to make friends and socialize, because above all else - jail is *extremely* boring. Just make sure she has money in her account for snacks and goods and she should be good to go.





Wouldn't interacting with people just lead to trouble? Who knows what they have done

Of course it *could* lead to trouble, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it *will* lead to trouble. I PM'd you, and think we should continue our conversation privately :)
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1924i
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4/28/2016 9:16:39 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
Main problem I have is she will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit and other inmates and even guards that could be intimidating . Is that ok for a 14 year old to see? Seeing Women behind bars basically