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Opening up.

missbailey8
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6/17/2016 5:49:00 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
I'm not going to lie; I'm flawed and broken. I'm just not happy with myself or the people around me. I feel it's time to open up in the place I feel most comfortable.

When I came to DDO, I vowed to hide behind a facade of positivity, but I'm far from that persona. I'm not that enthusiastic about myself or anything at all.

In real life, there are very few people I can talk to. Most of my family has been unsupportive, unapologetic, and unsympathetic to me. It's been like this for years.

I've been screwed over too many times by people I once trusted. My father, my cousin, and old friends (among others) have harmed me physically and emotionally, and I feel so hopeless, weak and so damn tired. I can't help it though, no matter how hard I've tried.

I remember the key moments of my past being the most traumatic. Age six, my father left me. Age twelve, I was violated by my cousin, the man I formed a bond with, whom I shared my deepest fears and insecurities with. Age thirteen, I was transferred to a school where I would spend six years of my life being harassed and attacked due to my sexual preference and nonreligious beliefs. Age fifteen, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, something passed down from my father, the man who abandoned me like his father did to him.

You know what? I'm worn out from being used like this! I'm so desperate to just live anew. I don't want to be labeled by my family and old friends as this washed up cesspool of emotions. I don't want to be the outcast that I am, but I can't change that image. It's woven into me. I feel so unwanted and wasted.

I came to DDO as the same person I am now; afraid, dejected, distorted. The only difference? I'm slightly more willing to share part of myself, even if it is with strangers on the internet. While I'm proud for that, I can't say that I'm entirety satisfied with myself on most other levels.

I wish you the best.

- Bailey
~missbailey8~

Me: What is the weirdest thing I have ever done?
Solon: Agreeing to date me.

Skep: Bailey, you have sardonic written all over your face.
Annie: She has gorgeous written all over her face!

"[M]en are weak. All of us are weak."
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If you ever just want someone to vent, rant, or discuss anything troubling you, my PMs are always open. Have a fabulous day!

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PetersSmith
Posts: 5,843
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6/17/2016 6:35:15 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 6/17/2016 5:49:00 AM, missbailey8 wrote:
I'm not going to lie; I'm flawed and broken. I'm just not happy with myself or the people around me. I feel it's time to open up in the place I feel most comfortable.

When I came to DDO, I vowed to hide behind a facade of positivity, but I'm far from that persona. I'm not that enthusiastic about myself or anything at all.

In real life, there are very few people I can talk to. Most of my family has been unsupportive, unapologetic, and unsympathetic to me. It's been like this for years.

I've been screwed over too many times by people I once trusted. My father, my cousin, and old friends (among others) have harmed me physically and emotionally, and I feel so hopeless, weak and so damn tired. I can't help it though, no matter how hard I've tried.

I remember the key moments of my past being the most traumatic. Age six, my father left me. Age twelve, I was violated by my cousin, the man I formed a bond with, whom I shared my deepest fears and insecurities with. Age thirteen, I was transferred to a school where I would spend six years of my life being harassed and attacked due to my sexual preference and nonreligious beliefs. Age fifteen, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, something passed down from my father, the man who abandoned me like his father did to him.

You know what? I'm worn out from being used like this! I'm so desperate to just live anew. I don't want to be labeled by my family and old friends as this washed up cesspool of emotions. I don't want to be the outcast that I am, but I can't change that image. It's woven into me. I feel so unwanted and wasted.

I came to DDO as the same person I am now; afraid, dejected, distorted. The only difference? I'm slightly more willing to share part of myself, even if it is with strangers on the internet. While I'm proud for that, I can't say that I'm entirety satisfied with myself on most other levels.

I wish you the best.

- Bailey

I know it's cliche, but I'm sorry you have to deal with this type of trauma throughout your life. Some of these things that you've experienced I couldn't even imagine experiencing myself, but you're still here and at least have the ability to "pretend" to be optimistic. Don't worry though, a lot of users on DDO have their own little issues (Larz even said DDO was full of "sociopathic unstable people"). However, I think there are some caring people on this site and you should try to open up to those who you think can understand you (internet relationships can't hurt you as much as real life ones can). I would say "trust", but you probably believe you can't trust anyone anymore. I think it's an achievement for you to be able to come out like this and honestly I certainly didn't expect it. I think it would help to use this site as an outlet and to be yourself, but like with real life some people will still try to hurt you. If you ever needed to talk to someone airmax is a huge sweetheart (so much so it irritates me) and he'll totally be able to talk you through "real life" issues and give you life advice more than any of us could. I think you'll always feel like an outcast considering how things are and have gone, but don't be afraid to be yourself even in real life. If someone pushes you down you get back up, and it seems like you have so far and it'd be miserable if you broke. The world is a scary and harsh place, but it is filled with some good people who you one day may find. I hope this isn't your "goodbye thread" because you are one of those "good new users" who stuck around and have contributed substantially, especially to the social side it seems. Like I always say, you are beautiful just the way you are. Don't let any mental disorders impede you from succeeding. I wish you the best too, wherever you're going :)
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Axonly
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6/17/2016 6:42:26 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 6/17/2016 5:49:00 AM, missbailey8 wrote:
I'm not going to lie; I'm flawed and broken. I'm just not happy with myself or the people around me. I feel it's time to open up in the place I feel most comfortable.

When I came to DDO, I vowed to hide behind a facade of positivity, but I'm far from that persona. I'm not that enthusiastic about myself or anything at all.

In real life, there are very few people I can talk to. Most of my family has been unsupportive, unapologetic, and unsympathetic to me. It's been like this for years.

I've been screwed over too many times by people I once trusted. My father, my cousin, and old friends (among others) have harmed me physically and emotionally, and I feel so hopeless, weak and so damn tired. I can't help it though, no matter how hard I've tried.

I remember the key moments of my past being the most traumatic. Age six, my father left me. Age twelve, I was violated by my cousin, the man I formed a bond with, whom I shared my deepest fears and insecurities with. Age thirteen, I was transferred to a school where I would spend six years of my life being harassed and attacked due to my sexual preference and nonreligious beliefs. Age fifteen, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, something passed down from my father, the man who abandoned me like his father did to him.

You know what? I'm worn out from being used like this! I'm so desperate to just live anew. I don't want to be labeled by my family and old friends as this washed up cesspool of emotions. I don't want to be the outcast that I am, but I can't change that image. It's woven into me. I feel so unwanted and wasted.

I came to DDO as the same person I am now; afraid, dejected, distorted. The only difference? I'm slightly more willing to share part of myself, even if it is with strangers on the internet. While I'm proud for that, I can't say that I'm entirety satisfied with myself on most other levels.

I wish you the best.

- Bailey

We <3 you, Bailey
Meh!
Wylted
Posts: 21,167
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6/17/2016 6:44:49 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
Jesus loves you. You don't have to join any religion or change in any way, to take comfort in that.
ResponsiblyIrresponsible
Posts: 12,398
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6/17/2016 8:03:14 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 6/17/2016 5:49:00 AM, missbailey8 wrote:

I'm really glad that you were comfortable enough to come out and tell us -- a group of internet strangers, no doubt -- all of this. It signals that you've found at least some comfort being on this website, perhaps among some like-minded or at least intellectually and/or emotionally compatible people, which is great -- and I hope this newfound solace is enough to convince you to stay because we love having you here.

With that said, I cannot imagine what you must be going through. In a sense, it really underscores how much humanity has fallen. It's a harsh reality I've taken time to come to realize -- obviously in different ways than you -- because I too have usually been branded "an outcast" through most, if not all, of my life. You mentioned being attacked for your sexual orientation and lack of religion, so I assume you must have been around an overzealous, hyper-religious "fire and brimstone" bunch. In my case, I was bullied -- often physically -- for being a scrawny nerd without any social skills (which are a bit hard to form... sitting in the library alone during lunch period when there isn't anyone to sit with, but I digress). But I obviously can't pretend that my experiences in any way mirrors yours because these disgusting, malicious pieces of _shit attempted to undermine or to shame you for who you were: unfortunately, children don't just pick that crap up. It's part and parcel of a culture, promulgated of course by their _shit-for-brains parents, that views anyone "different" as inherently inferior, notwithstanding whether there's any actual basis in fact other than some arbitrary, most likely hyper-religious, standard for that hatred. I'd like to think that's reversing itself. But if that's the case, it's not moving fast enough.

Unfortunately, there isn't much I can tell you that you don't already know: people _fucking suck. That's a generalization, of course, and you know that because you've found people whom you can confide in. Those are the people you're going to hold onto: the friendships you cherish most are the ones that will last a lifetime. It sounds a bit hard to imagine since you're still so young, but the overwhelming majority of the people who tormented you in high school or in middle school will amount to absolutely nothing: you won't remember them, they won't remember you, and the only time you may ever encounter them again is when they're cooking your burger or something at the fast-food joint they're now calling their "career" -- because they don't have one, because they spent their entire lives being senseless _pricks. Some people will grow up: heck, maybe some would even look back on their past actions in utter shame and apologize if given the chance. Some are so ashamed that they've convinced themselves that they haven't done anything wrong, enabled by the incredibly _shitty logic often employed by school administrations that the way to stop bullying is to.... let kids sort it out for themselves. Yup, that totally works. \sarcasm.

But here's the basic point, I guess. You're not an outcast -- at least not in the way you're using the word. If an outcast is someone who isn't, you know, quarterback of the football or head cheerleader or student-body president (fill in the blank with any other meaningless position that stupid kids place far, far too much importance on), then a whole lot of people are outcasts. What are two things those people 9 times out of 10 have in common? (a) They peaked in high school -- i.e., that's as good as things are going to get for them (which a former teacher of mine once called the ultimate testament to a loser) and (b) they probably never took the time to actually form a meaningful bond with anyone: their bonds were entirely superficial, based on nothing but status or reputation or athletic ability or money or you name it. That's not sustainable and never will be. Having X number of friends in high school doesn't translate to having X number of friends as an adult: it's a whole different ballgame, which is largely sink-or-sim. Imagine when their lackeys (most of their "friends" probably fall into this category; it's a matter of "tolerance" to save face, much less than an outright endorsement of their actions, and it's shameful because it probably explains why so few people actually defend other people against bullies) are no longer obligated to indulge their bullcrap. Their artificial "reputation" falls the hell apart. That's because there was absolutely no stable foundation for it. And if the foundation comes apart, so does the entire building.

You, on the other hand, have found several people with whom you've formed those bonds. You've even found a debating community which, admittedly, has its damn problems and a whole lot of whackos (sorry, imabench!), but also a whole lot of good-hearted people who are with you, who understand you far better than these _assholes ever will, and and are willing to help you get through this crap.

Not only that, and perhaps most importantly, you have another thing these people won't ever have: a brain! I haven't known you for much longer than a week, but I do try to keep up with the mafia forums as much as I can. My goodness, you're an incredibly quick study. The same can even be said for this post you wrote above: you're incredibly articulate and well-spoken and, hell, you know who you are -- and that is never, under any circumstances, something to be ashamed of.

I'm not sure how much this helped, if at all, but I really hope it might have. If you ever need someone to talk to, my PM box is always open. We like you, and want to help you get through this as best we can.
~ResponsiblyIrresponsible

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That1User
Posts: 1,064
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6/17/2016 9:32:31 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 6/17/2016 5:49:00 AM, missbailey8 wrote:
I'm not going to lie; I'm flawed and broken. I'm just not happy with myself or the people around me. I feel it's time to open up in the place I feel most comfortable.

When I came to DDO, I vowed to hide behind a facade of positivity, but I'm far from that persona. I'm not that enthusiastic about myself or anything at all.

In real life, there are very few people I can talk to. Most of my family has been unsupportive, unapologetic, and unsympathetic to me. It's been like this for years.

I've been screwed over too many times by people I once trusted. My father, my cousin, and old friends (among others) have harmed me physically and emotionally, and I feel so hopeless, weak and so damn tired. I can't help it though, no matter how hard I've tried.

I remember the key moments of my past being the most traumatic. Age six, my father left me. Age twelve, I was violated by my cousin, the man I formed a bond with, whom I shared my deepest fears and insecurities with. Age thirteen, I was transferred to a school where I would spend six years of my life being harassed and attacked due to my sexual preference and nonreligious beliefs. Age fifteen, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, something passed down from my father, the man who abandoned me like his father did to him.

You know what? I'm worn out from being used like this! I'm so desperate to just live anew. I don't want to be labeled by my family and old friends as this washed up cesspool of emotions. I don't want to be the outcast that I am, but I can't change that image. It's woven into me. I feel so unwanted and wasted.

I came to DDO as the same person I am now; afraid, dejected, distorted. The only difference? I'm slightly more willing to share part of myself, even if it is with strangers on the internet. While I'm proud for that, I can't say that I'm entirety satisfied with myself on most other levels.

I wish you the best.

- Bailey

Thank you for opening up to us Bailey. No one deserves what has happened to you and I am glad we can be a refuge of support for you. I hope you can overcome your current situation and find a renewed hope and happiness soon with people who love you for who you are. Never be ashamed of who you are and don't let anyone pull you down. I admire your courage and brutal honesty. I just want you to know that we're here for you Bailey if you need someone to talk to and my wish is that you can find happiness here.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
R13; Marcus Aurelius
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love." -Marcus Aurelius
"Man is free at the moment he wishes to be." -Voltaire
"Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do. "-Voltaire
tejretics
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6/17/2016 11:23:54 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
I'm glad that you've found comfort within DDO.

People in real life are horrible. That's a generalization, perhaps, but that's how the world is. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this, and I hope we -- as a community -- can give you, and all the members who face such problems, some comfort.
"Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe." - Frederick Douglass
Vaarka
Posts: 7,610
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6/17/2016 1:54:27 PM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 6/17/2016 5:49:00 AM, missbailey8 wrote:
I'm not going to lie; I'm flawed and broken. I'm just not happy with myself or the people around me. I feel it's time to open up in the place I feel most comfortable.

When I came to DDO, I vowed to hide behind a facade of positivity, but I'm far from that persona. I'm not that enthusiastic about myself or anything at all.

In real life, there are very few people I can talk to. Most of my family has been unsupportive, unapologetic, and unsympathetic to me. It's been like this for years.

I've been screwed over too many times by people I once trusted. My father, my cousin, and old friends (among others) have harmed me physically and emotionally, and I feel so hopeless, weak and so damn tired. I can't help it though, no matter how hard I've tried.

I remember the key moments of my past being the most traumatic. Age six, my father left me. Age twelve, I was violated by my cousin, the man I formed a bond with, whom I shared my deepest fears and insecurities with. Age thirteen, I was transferred to a school where I would spend six years of my life being harassed and attacked due to my sexual preference and nonreligious beliefs. Age fifteen, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, something passed down from my father, the man who abandoned me like his father did to him.

You know what? I'm worn out from being used like this! I'm so desperate to just live anew. I don't want to be labeled by my family and old friends as this washed up cesspool of emotions. I don't want to be the outcast that I am, but I can't change that image. It's woven into me. I feel so unwanted and wasted.

I came to DDO as the same person I am now; afraid, dejected, distorted. The only difference? I'm slightly more willing to share part of myself, even if it is with strangers on the internet. While I'm proud for that, I can't say that I'm entirety satisfied with myself on most other levels.

I wish you the best.

- Bailey

*hugs tightly*
You're probably thinking right now "haha I'm a genius". Well you're not -Valkrin

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SolonKR
Posts: 4,041
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6/17/2016 3:18:45 PM
Posted: 5 months ago
I'm sorry all that has happened to you. You picked a good community for support, though. Many people here struggle with serious issues, and are there for each other. The road to happiness is a long and difficult one, but we're all here for you.
SO to Bailey, the love of my life <3
Sapphique
Posts: 4,119
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6/17/2016 9:30:01 PM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 6/17/2016 5:49:00 AM, missbailey8 wrote:
I'm not the best with words, but I just wanted to say that we're all here for you, whether you want to vent or just to chat. *hugs*
DDO Beginners' Mafia Moderator -- PM me if you'd like to learn how to play mafia!

"We wondered what happiness would look like if we could give it a physical form...the shape of happiness might resemble glass...even though you don't usually notice it, it's still definitely there. You merely have to change your point of view slightly, and then that glass will sparkle when it reflects the light. I doubt that anything else could argue its own existence more eloquently." ~Lelouch
1harderthanyouthink
Posts: 13,102
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6/18/2016 1:59:42 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
All support here.

Opening up is...difficult, so I applaud you for that.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

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bballcrook21
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6/18/2016 2:20:01 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 6/18/2016 1:59:42 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
All support here.

Opening up is...difficult, so I applaud you for that.

Correct. I think the one place where all members can come together is in support for one another.
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Underlying most arguments against the free market is a lack of belief in freedom itself. -Friedman

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lannan13
Posts: 23,065
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6/18/2016 2:29:22 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 6/17/2016 5:49:00 AM, missbailey8 wrote:

I can't say that I know exactly that I know or have expierenced what you've been through. What I can say is that here on DDO we have all expierenced tramatic expierences through our lives here and on DDO. Even though there is these things in life, you have to focus on the positives. I know it probably doesn't sound the most convincing coming from some random dude on the internet in the boondocks of Kansas, but there are people here that really care. You know my inbox is always open and I'm almost always in the hangouts if you ever want to chat.
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OlaNordmann
Posts: 87
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6/20/2016 9:02:54 PM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 6/17/2016 5:49:00 AM, missbailey8 wrote:
I'm not going to lie; I'm flawed and broken......

Thanks for sharing Bailey!

You should indeed be very proud that you managed to built up the courage to write what you just did.

While I didn't confine in people on the Internet, I do know from my own experience that opening up and sharing my inner insecurities with the people I love is the most difficult thing I have ever accomplished in my 27 years on this earth. It took me months of preparations after I made the decision of share my struggles the first time, and it really disproved my strongly held belief that nobody really cared for me. This realization/confirmation was so euphoric that it changed my life entirely and the second time I opened up was much easier, but I'm not going to lie, It's still difficult to this day.

I can only hope that you will continue down this path and experience the same. I too was an emotional wreck -- or should I say an self-loathing socially anxious wreck, that's been bullied and excluded most of my adolescent life. I can only imagine the difficulty with added history of distrust on top of that. I wish you the best!