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Losing someone.

Rosalie
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7/7/2016 12:13:24 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
Last week, I found out my grandpa past away, due to old age, he was in his 90's.

He and I were pretty close, up until I was about 13. My mom got involved in some stuff (drugs) and we lived in a different city from him. He always wanted me to come visit. At the age of 14, I was put into custody to my (now guardian family). In kind of strayed away from my grandparents, and mom...and lived my own life, and not acknowledging them.

About 4 months ago, I got a phone call, saying he was rushed into the hospital and had congestive heart failure. I was asked if I wanted to see him, but I told people I "was scared" merely because I hadn't seen him in so long. I was 19 at this time. On July 1st, I got a phone call from my biological mom, and she had told me that my grandpa passed away. My mom held his hand while he took his final breath. When I was told this, a cover of shame and guilt drowned my heart.

Why didn't I go see him? Why didn't I go see him while he was in the elderly home?

I feel like a horrible person, going out, and partying, having a good time, and then being rememberd that I was the selfish teen who didn't want to go see her dying grandpa, when all he wanted was to see his granddaughter, whom he hasn't seen in 7 years..

They didn't have a funeral, because he didn't want the fuss. He had a military cremation, which happened fairly quick..I only have 1 biological grandparent left now.

I don't know how to cope with this regret, and shame. Its too late to do anything now. The only thing I've been doing is drinking, and getting high because it's the only thing that distracts me, from the selfish person I really am..
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Buddamoose
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7/7/2016 12:28:37 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
Ugh, the feels, i relate too well. Grandpa died a few years ago. Same situation, I just never went to see him. Yeah, it stings, and you feel like a sh!t person cause it's a despicable thing to do.

But, I guarantee you'll do things different now. You still have one grandparent, learn from this and change the mistake you know now you made.
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Danielle
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7/7/2016 12:37:18 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
Stop drinking. If you want to do something, just smoke pot. Nothing harder.

I think the best way to cope with this (sorry for your loss) is to try to figure out a way to do/be better going forward. Perhaps you'd consider making amends with some people you've lost touch with. Start with making amends with yourself. You made decisions based on limited information and through the lens of your own experience and perspective. Now you're older and wiser, so you have a new perspective. That should influence your behavior going forward. Be grateful for the time you got to spend with him, and try to feel better knowing that you won't take people for granted in the future. Don't be so hard on yourself! You clearly care and I'm sure he had some feels for you of his own. Hang in there <3
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PetersSmith
Posts: 5,846
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7/7/2016 12:40:04 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 7/7/2016 12:13:24 AM, Rosalie wrote:
Last week, I found out my grandpa past away, due to old age, he was in his 90's.

He and I were pretty close, up until I was about 13. My mom got involved in some stuff (drugs) and we lived in a different city from him. He always wanted me to come visit. At the age of 14, I was put into custody to my (now guardian family). In kind of strayed away from my grandparents, and mom...and lived my own life, and not acknowledging them.

About 4 months ago, I got a phone call, saying he was rushed into the hospital and had congestive heart failure. I was asked if I wanted to see him, but I told people I "was scared" merely because I hadn't seen him in so long. I was 19 at this time. On July 1st, I got a phone call from my biological mom, and she had told me that my grandpa passed away. My mom held his hand while he took his final breath. When I was told this, a cover of shame and guilt drowned my heart.

Why didn't I go see him? Why didn't I go see him while he was in the elderly home?

I feel like a horrible person, going out, and partying, having a good time, and then being rememberd that I was the selfish teen who didn't want to go see her dying grandpa, when all he wanted was to see his granddaughter, whom he hasn't seen in 7 years..

They didn't have a funeral, because he didn't want the fuss. He had a military cremation, which happened fairly quick..I only have 1 biological grandparent left now.

I don't know how to cope with this regret, and shame. Its too late to do anything now. The only thing I've been doing is drinking, and getting high because it's the only thing that distracts me, from the selfish person I really am..

I don't really have good death advice for this, but drinking is the worst thing you can do. Alcohol is a depressant and drinking and drugging is the #1 method of suicide in the US. And I don't really see how it's selfish. It's not your fault. Things like this happen. It would be selfish, however, to not mourn, considering a definition of selfish could be lacking consideration for others. You should be celebrating his life and whatever times you did have with him, not drowning your sorrows in a toxin.
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Vaarka
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7/7/2016 12:45:53 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 7/7/2016 12:13:24 AM, Rosalie wrote:
Last week, I found out my grandpa past away, due to old age, he was in his 90's.

He and I were pretty close, up until I was about 13. My mom got involved in some stuff (drugs) and we lived in a different city from him. He always wanted me to come visit. At the age of 14, I was put into custody to my (now guardian family). In kind of strayed away from my grandparents, and mom...and lived my own life, and not acknowledging them.

About 4 months ago, I got a phone call, saying he was rushed into the hospital and had congestive heart failure. I was asked if I wanted to see him, but I told people I "was scared" merely because I hadn't seen him in so long. I was 19 at this time. On July 1st, I got a phone call from my biological mom, and she had told me that my grandpa passed away. My mom held his hand while he took his final breath. When I was told this, a cover of shame and guilt drowned my heart.

Why didn't I go see him? Why didn't I go see him while he was in the elderly home?

I feel like a horrible person, going out, and partying, having a good time, and then being rememberd that I was the selfish teen who didn't want to go see her dying grandpa, when all he wanted was to see his granddaughter, whom he hasn't seen in 7 years..
I know this may not be quite the same, but I didn't want to be there when they put down my dog last year, and I feel terrible and guilty for it when it's on my mind.
I'm sorry this happened to you *hugs*

They didn't have a funeral, because he didn't want the fuss. He had a military cremation, which happened fairly quick..I only have 1 biological grandparent left now.

I don't know how to cope with this regret, and shame. Its too late to do anything now. The only thing I've been doing is drinking, and getting high because it's the only thing that distracts me, from the selfish person I really am..
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ShabShoral
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7/7/2016 1:07:50 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
My condolences. Don't drown in regret; move forward, and move forward as a person you can respect. The past doesn't damn your future.
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thett3
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7/7/2016 1:11:15 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
My condolences for both the loss and the guilt. It'll always be something you regret, the best thing to do now is to learn from it.

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