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Rough around the edges (personal stories)

1harderthanyouthink
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7/10/2016 9:53:59 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
Out of courtesy for the viewer, I'm going to warn whoever clicks on this thread that this contains topics that are disturbing - including but not limited to social isolation, abuse, and death.

So I did the most fun-inducing thing a person can do on this site: I ran for the office of the Presidency. And in doing so I was reminded of my weaknesses ad nauseam. In short, I'm an a$shole with no respect for anybody. Not far from the truth, but it's a bit more nuanced than some detractors would like to make me out as. I'm rough around the edges, and I don't think I'm a very good person - but I'm not an immature psychopathic monster. So, to enlighten some people and to share my story with those that experience issues of their own, I make this thread.

My maturity is a fun, long story to tell. As far as lives go, I was pretty normal for a long time. Until I hit fifth grade. That year, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. In school, I went from being liked well enough by the people around me - but still displaying introversion - to being bullied. And hey - I was and still am skinny (though I'm more skinny now than then, but we'll get to that later), and was not really inspiring fear through my physical frame.

So throughout the year, as I dealt with a dying father at home, I also had to deal with the threat of physical bullying at school. I had very few friends in school, and the only friends I had were really in just 2 of the 9 periods of the day. So the rest of the day, I was alone. And I mostly took everything. I just didn't say anything, didn't do anything - nothing.

My father died in February that year. It was February 5th, 2012. I was watching the Giants play the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI, as my father got sicker and sicker. I must say, he really tried to stick it through the game, but he couldn't. He left home for the last time. He came really close to dying at around midnight, February 6th. But he didn't - and if there is a god, thank god he didn't. February 6th is my birthday. I've never posted that publicly for a reason - I hate my birthday. But at least he waited three days after to die. So pretty much, February is the worst historical month of my life - because that's when it really started to come crashing down, and I was forced to get through that, and not be brought down with it.

First off, let me note that my father was pretty financially successful for a guy who practiced a trade. Random people today, that I would have never talked to otherwise - tell me when they find out who I am about how good he was at his job. He was a tile contractor. He helped design and did the work for people on their home with tile work. Local EMTs also have said things to me before - because he also was an EMT, and tended to be ready for calls every few nights out of the week. You could say I really admired the guy - he devoted his life to making his own path and helping other people. All that aside, my family lost a lot of money. There were concerns then that my family could have lost the house. Car payments, mortgage, and for god's sake the fvcking medical bills were hard to pay - and my family is still concerned today about the long-term viability of paying for the house. So, mark off financial instability.

Then, after some time off after the death, I get back to school. I was grieving, and some people helped me. However, bullies were a$sholes - as per usual. And one day, I snapped. Here I was - I had been hit, was called a "f@ggot" every day, and whatever. I never fought back. But one day, I hit my breaking point (and miraculously, I didn't get in trouble for it). The physical bullying got worse, and the adults/administration were bad at helping.

So I learned a valuable lesson from bullies: nobody is going to help me, so I must be ready to fight back at less than a moment's notice. Because of these people, this has become my instinct.

Snapping can be weird. I didn't really get bullied afterwards - at least, never regularly at public school. People - even my former bullies, started to fear me. Because they drove me fvcking crazy. And when you drive someone crazy, they will reach a breaking point. The breaking point isn't pretty when you've been physically going at them. I was simultaneously a skinny, easy target, and someone they didn't fvck with. And really, since then, physical bullying hasn't been nearly as common in my grade. Because I also saw other people get bullied.

And that was the second half to the lesson: since traditional forms of help are useless, I must be ready to protect others when seeing them being hurt.

And really, they haven't fvcked with me since I snapped. The few occasional bullying attempts since have either been ignored (if I don't ever see them), or quickly shut down.

But let us not forget the greatest lesson of all I learned from a year of being completely alone: people are terrible. The only way to not get hurt is to stay alone when possible.

---

So great! I solved my bullying issue. Well, there's more!

My mother, since my father died, has changed. Though, I don't know if she's really changed, or if I've wised up enough to see through her. She has become abusive since then. She takes her anger out on me. Today, it's verbal. But it wasn't always. In the words of a DDO member who I talked to about her: "your mother is an abusive witch".

My family instability is...not fun. I've been physically hurt, been driven to the lowest of low feelings, and my home life is a constant drag on my thoughts and wellbeing. In fact, it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed. It's the reason I've been given 4 different anti-depressants, and none have worked. It's the reason I stopped taking the last two for for long periods before anyone could find out.

So...the lesson was: I have to look after myself. Nobody can be trusted.

And the usual expression is "time heals". It doesn't. I have dreams of incidents in my home, I used to experience dissociation to an alarming degree (and it happened last night, after months of being free from it), and when I'm in particularly tense periods, I often have panic/anxiety attacks. At this point, I've just decided to live with it. I don't think there's an honest way to deal with it except for death, but getting the fvck away from my home in the future may hopefully ease the issues I've experienced.

On several occasions, I've tried to make plans to kill myself because of this. The way I saw it was that if I was doomed to a bad life, I might as well not live at all. I'm concerned today because I don't know how I will function as an adult, because I am truly fvcked up from the development stage of my life.

And I really never had a friend know any of this about me until coming here. If nobody here was able to break through my hard shell to get to me a year and a half or so ago, nobody on the Earth ever would have.

---

So there, that's all I can say. I tried not to go into too much detail, and I left the specifics of certain issues out. I don't really even have every bad thing here - but these hurt me a lot.

Ultimately, I need to answer the question on why I'm an abrasive person. I didn't grow up in a normal way. I have been looking out for others and myself for longer than I wish I had. My childhood was fvcked by its ending, and I've already been screwed out of a lot of potential happiness. I'm a bitter person, who is cynical about life because of it.

I matured in a way nobody should be forced to - and in a way many don't understand. And to those people who don't understand, I say you're lucky - turn the fvck around and run from me. But don't lecture me on proper behavior - I'd be far worse off if I had followed what others were doing. I can't change, because my wellbeing depends on my abrasiveness and isolation.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

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tejretics
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7/10/2016 10:45:49 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
*hugs*

Really, that's all I can say.

You're a good person, however.
"Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe." - Frederick Douglass
1harderthanyouthink
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7/10/2016 3:07:11 PM
Posted: 5 months ago
Oh - I forgot to get to my weight issue.

Last summer, I lost over 10 pounds because antidepressants like to fvck with your appetite.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

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Adam_Godzilla
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7/10/2016 6:48:28 PM
Posted: 5 months ago
While I was reading this, my room got really really quiet. As I read each word, I felt a deep heaviness. I didn't have tears coming, but those were some very silent minutes of my life.

Harder, bro, not everyone's sh!tty. I've lived in four different countries, five different schools, and not everyone's sh!tty. I've met people who've sent kids to the hospital, who've cut themselves, and still in those environments I find people who are not sh!tty. You're not wrong about what needs to be done to survive. But once you get out of that school, that house, you'll realise there's some genuinely good people out there.

I saw a homeless guy in the street. I talked to him. I asked him how he ended up like this. I just wanted to know. Does he really have no help? He said to me, that his wife had died. That his kids are unreachable. I see into his cup and there's barely enough for a sandwich. I give him some coins, enough for the day, but not enough to keep him fed for the next or the next. I plan to help people like him, find a permanent solution. I don't know if I can, but I think I'll try.

Endarkened. He wants to change the world. Through his writing. He had a weekly forum posting all the good news happening in the world. That's just the kind of guy he is.

YYW. He wants people who are suicidal to pm him. He doesn't need to. But he insists on it. Cause he cares.

I'm not saying people are good people. I think that's subjective. But there are people who care. And those are the kinds I really admire. I hope you find more of these in your life.

My mom. I hated my mom. She'd used to hit me if she got really mad. I hated her and argued with her everyday. Then, we solved things. We got along. We're happy. I love her to death.

My bullies. I hated them. They hated me. I ignored them, truly, truly, ignored them. I wouldn't look at them at all. Now, they've forgotten about me. They don't care anymore. Their anger is spent and used. It's like I'm a stranger again.

The kids when I was 14 that used to all shun me and treat me like crap? They see me now and they say hi. They treat it like it never happened. I treat it like it never happened. We have a laugh. We move on.

My life got better. It's about to get even better. You've got good friends here and you know it. They'll help you get through this. DDO (I hope) is not going anywhere. Some of us may be some of the most dramatic and conflict inducing peeps ever, but we're all good in the end. We're a strong community, and I actually feel it.

In other words, some of us are rough around the edges, but soft where it matters.
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Sapphique
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7/11/2016 1:57:19 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 7/10/2016 6:48:28 PM, Adam_Godzilla wrote:
In other words, some of us are rough around the edges, but soft where it matters.
I really like how you put this. That aside, Harder, I still think you're a much better person than you give yourself credit for.
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Emmarie
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7/11/2016 3:00:30 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 7/10/2016 9:53:59 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:

So I did the most fun-inducing thing a person can do on this site: I ran for the office of the Presidency. And in doing so I was reminded of my weaknesses ad nauseam. In short, I'm an a$shole with no respect for anybody.
I've never seen you as such.


So I learned a valuable lesson from bullies: nobody is going to help me, so I must be ready to fight back at less than a moment's notice. Because of these people, this has become my instinct.
That is a useful technique at sometimes, but I'd recommend the principles of Aikido could serve you even better if you would learn how to use them, (not just physically, more importantly mentally) and apply them.

Snapping can be weird. I didn't really get bullied afterwards - at least, never regularly at public school. People - even my former bullies, started to fear me. Because they drove me fvcking crazy. And when you drive someone crazy, they will reach a breaking point. The breaking point isn't pretty when you've been physically going at them. I was simultaneously a skinny, easy target, and someone they didn't fvck with. And really, since then, physical bullying hasn't been nearly as common in my grade. Because I also saw other people get bullied.

And that was the second half to the lesson: since traditional forms of help are useless, I must be ready to protect others when seeing them being hurt.
+1


But let us not forget the greatest lesson of all I learned from a year of being completely alone: people are terrible. The only way to not get hurt is to stay alone when possible.
Sadder than I'd like to admit. Try focusing on your own strengths and recognizing the admirable strengths in others can take the edge off the loneliness.

My mother, since my father died, has changed. Though, I don't know if she's really changed, or if I've wised up enough to see through her. She has become abusive since then. She takes her anger out on me. Today, it's verbal. But it wasn't always. In the words of a DDO member who I talked to about her: "your mother is an abusive witch".
I know you may think your mom is taking it out on you, but when I lost my dad, my mom changed too, and I felt abandoned when I needed her the most. Now, however, as an adult I realize that I expected my mom to be a rock, since she was supposed to be an adult who would know how to handle loss, not realizing that she too had suffered a great loss and didn't know how to cope with that loss. In retrospect I can see that we should have been more supportive of one another.


So...the lesson was: I have to look after myself. Nobody can be trusted.
Do you have siblings? Maybe you could bond with them.

And the usual expression is "time heals".
I still miss my parents and I always will. I have changed since their loss for the better by applying the things they had tried to teach me but I had resisted before they passed. I will never stop missing them, or wishing that I would have treated them better when they were alive in the flesh, but I know that they wouldn't want me to give up on life, for having those regrets.

It doesn't. I have dreams of incidents in my home, I used to experience dissociation to an alarming degree (and it happened last night, after months of being free from it), and when I'm in particularly tense periods, I often have panic/anxiety attacks. At this point, I've just decided to live with it. I don't think there's an honest way to deal with it except for death, but getting the fvck away from my home in the future may hopefully ease the issues I've experienced.
So glad that you decided to continue living, you could be an inspiration to others!

On several occasions, I've tried to make plans to kill myself because of this. The way I saw it was that if I was doomed to a bad life, I might as well not live at all. I'm concerned today because I don't know how I will function as an adult, because I am truly fvcked up from the development stage of my life.

And I really never had a friend know any of this about me until coming here. If nobody here was able to break through my hard shell to get to me a year and a half or so ago, nobody on the Earth ever would have.

Ultimately, I need to answer the question on why I'm an abrasive person. I didn't grow up in a normal way. I have been looking out for others and myself for longer than I wish I had. My childhood was fvcked by its ending, and I've already been screwed out of a lot of potential happiness. I'm a bitter person, who is cynical about life because of it.
You are alive and can find coping mechanisms to deal with your anxiety that CAN lead to genuine enjoyment. Maybe not every second of every day, but generally better that being bitter.

I matured in a way nobody should be forced to - and in a way many don't understand. And to those people who don't understand, I say you're lucky - turn the fvck around and run from me. But don't lecture me on proper behavior - I'd be far worse off if I had followed what others were doing. I can't change, because my wellbeing depends on my abrasiveness and isolation.

Should be, isn't an option in life on this earth., as harsh as it sounds. The best way that I found with dealing with the loss of my parents, it is to live to honor him. If there is anyway that their souls are watching me, I want to make them proud.
Emmarie
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7/11/2016 3:02:25 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 7/10/2016 6:48:28 PM, Adam_Godzilla wrote:
While I was reading this, my room got really really quiet. As I read each word, I felt a deep heaviness. I didn't have tears coming, but those were some very silent minutes of my life.

Harder, bro, not everyone's sh!tty. I've lived in four different countries, five different schools, and not everyone's sh!tty. I've met people who've sent kids to the hospital, who've cut themselves, and still in those environments I find people who are not sh!tty. You're not wrong about what needs to be done to survive. But once you get out of that school, that house, you'll realise there's some genuinely good people out there.

I saw a homeless guy in the street. I talked to him. I asked him how he ended up like this. I just wanted to know. Does he really have no help? He said to me, that his wife had died. That his kids are unreachable. I see into his cup and there's barely enough for a sandwich. I give him some coins, enough for the day, but not enough to keep him fed for the next or the next. I plan to help people like him, find a permanent solution. I don't know if I can, but I think I'll try.

Endarkened. He wants to change the world. Through his writing. He had a weekly forum posting all the good news happening in the world. That's just the kind of guy he is.

YYW. He wants people who are suicidal to pm him. He doesn't need to. But he insists on it. Cause he cares.

I'm not saying people are good people. I think that's subjective. But there are people who care. And those are the kinds I really admire. I hope you find more of these in your life.

My mom. I hated my mom. She'd used to hit me if she got really mad. I hated her and argued with her everyday. Then, we solved things. We got along. We're happy. I love her to death.

My bullies. I hated them. They hated me. I ignored them, truly, truly, ignored them. I wouldn't look at them at all. Now, they've forgotten about me. They don't care anymore. Their anger is spent and used. It's like I'm a stranger again.

The kids when I was 14 that used to all shun me and treat me like crap? They see me now and they say hi. They treat it like it never happened. I treat it like it never happened. We have a laugh. We move on.

My life got better. It's about to get even better. You've got good friends here and you know it. They'll help you get through this. DDO (I hope) is not going anywhere. Some of us may be some of the most dramatic and conflict inducing peeps ever, but we're all good in the end. We're a strong community, and I actually feel it.

In other words, some of us are rough around the edges, but soft where it matters.
+1
bballcrook21
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7/11/2016 3:13:30 AM
Posted: 5 months ago
At 7/10/2016 9:53:59 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:

I want to apologize, here and now, for all the vile things I've said to you in the past, especially over hangouts. Knowing this, I would have never initiated nor returned vitriol, and I truly want to apologize for doing so.
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lannan13
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7/11/2016 6:11:43 AM
Posted: 4 months ago
At 7/10/2016 9:53:59 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:

You are quite brave for sharing this and I thank you for it. I know it must be hard to come out and share these things to practical total strangers on the internet. I can't say that I can relate anywhere close to you, but I can feel your pain. I've had some expierences, but I tried to move towards trying to be well liked by everyone, which is why I'm always trying to be my best. I've been quite angry with my biological father. This is why I keep striving to constantly moving to impress people. I want to be a memorable person and set records. I want to be a household name, I want to be a well respected and successful person that excedes anything that my family had previously accomplished. This has fueled me to constantly keep going. Even if I fail something, I get back up and charge forward. I've had some bad memories, but I always try to bury them away and do stuff to make sure they never arrise.
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"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

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lannan13
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7/11/2016 6:15:36 AM
Posted: 4 months ago
You're still a great guy Chris. I remember when we had a little incident several months ago and I'm not one to hold a grudge for long unless you really wrong me, these a few DDO users that hold those titles, but you are a guy that I respect. Solon had hinted to me that he was running with you in a Hangouts . Working with you really showed me that you weren't really having much dicketry that you earlier gave the impression of. You are simply a kind person underneath who has a firey passion for many things.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Lannan13'S SIGNATURE-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

If the sky's the limit then why do we have footprints on the Moon? I'm shooting my aspirations for the stars.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." "Sir Winston Churchill

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." "Eleanor Roosevelt

Topics I want to debate. (http://tinyurl.com...)
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bsh1
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7/14/2016 8:39:40 AM
Posted: 4 months ago
You need to stop worrying about how you'll cope with the future. The fact that you've made friends here and done well in this community shows that you have the potential to function well later in life. I think things will also get better for you as time goes on and you get out of your house. But, negative thinking about the future is not going to help you right now.

*hugs*

I hope you feel better.
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Objectivity
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7/14/2016 5:36:17 PM
Posted: 4 months ago
At 7/10/2016 9:53:59 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
Out of courtesy for the viewer, I'm going to warn whoever clicks on this thread that this contains topics that are disturbing - including but not limited to social isolation, abuse, and death.

So I did the most fun-inducing thing a person can do on this site: I ran for the office of the Presidency. And in doing so I was reminded of my weaknesses ad nauseam. In short, I'm an a$shole with no respect for anybody. Not far from the truth, but it's a bit more nuanced than some detractors would like to make me out as. I'm rough around the edges, and I don't think I'm a very good person - but I'm not an immature psychopathic monster. So, to enlighten some people and to share my story with those that experience issues of their own, I make this thread.

My maturity is a fun, long story to tell. As far as lives go, I was pretty normal for a long time. Until I hit fifth grade. That year, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. In school, I went from being liked well enough by the people around me - but still displaying introversion - to being bullied. And hey - I was and still am skinny (though I'm more skinny now than then, but we'll get to that later), and was not really inspiring fear through my physical frame.

So throughout the year, as I dealt with a dying father at home, I also had to deal with the threat of physical bullying at school. I had very few friends in school, and the only friends I had were really in just 2 of the 9 periods of the day. So the rest of the day, I was alone. And I mostly took everything. I just didn't say anything, didn't do anything - nothing.

My father died in February that year. It was February 5th, 2012. I was watching the Giants play the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI, as my father got sicker and sicker. I must say, he really tried to stick it through the game, but he couldn't. He left home for the last time. He came really close to dying at around midnight, February 6th. But he didn't - and if there is a god, thank god he didn't. February 6th is my birthday. I've never posted that publicly for a reason - I hate my birthday. But at least he waited three days after to die. So pretty much, February is the worst historical month of my life - because that's when it really started to come crashing down, and I was forced to get through that, and not be brought down with it.

First off, let me note that my father was pretty financially successful for a guy who practiced a trade. Random people today, that I would have never talked to otherwise - tell me when they find out who I am about how good he was at his job. He was a tile contractor. He helped design and did the work for people on their home with tile work. Local EMTs also have said things to me before - because he also was an EMT, and tended to be ready for calls every few nights out of the week. You could say I really admired the guy - he devoted his life to making his own path and helping other people. All that aside, my family lost a lot of money. There were concerns then that my family could have lost the house. Car payments, mortgage, and for god's sake the fvcking medical bills were hard to pay - and my family is still concerned today about the long-term viability of paying for the house. So, mark off financial instability.

Then, after some time off after the death, I get back to school. I was grieving, and some people helped me. However, bullies were a$sholes - as per usual. And one day, I snapped. Here I was - I had been hit, was called a "f@ggot" every day, and whatever. I never fought back. But one day, I hit my breaking point (and miraculously, I didn't get in trouble for it). The physical bullying got worse, and the adults/administration were bad at helping.

So I learned a valuable lesson from bullies: nobody is going to help me, so I must be ready to fight back at less than a moment's notice. Because of these people, this has become my instinct.

Snapping can be weird. I didn't really get bullied afterwards - at least, never regularly at public school. People - even my former bullies, started to fear me. Because they drove me fvcking crazy. And when you drive someone crazy, they will reach a breaking point. The breaking point isn't pretty when you've been physically going at them. I was simultaneously a skinny, easy target, and someone they didn't fvck with. And really, since then, physical bullying hasn't been nearly as common in my grade. Because I also saw other people get bullied.

And that was the second half to the lesson: since traditional forms of help are useless, I must be ready to protect others when seeing them being hurt.

And really, they haven't fvcked with me since I snapped. The few occasional bullying attempts since have either been ignored (if I don't ever see them), or quickly shut down.

But let us not forget the greatest lesson of all I learned from a year of being completely alone: people are terrible. The only way to not get hurt is to stay alone when possible.

---

So great! I solved my bullying issue. Well, there's more!

My mother, since my father died, has changed. Though, I don't know if she's really changed, or if I've wised up enough to see through her. She has become abusive since then. She takes her anger out on me. Today, it's verbal. But it wasn't always. In the words of a DDO member who I talked to about her: "your mother is an abusive witch".

My family instability is...not fun. I've been physically hurt, been driven to the lowest of low feelings, and my home life is a constant drag on my thoughts and wellbeing. In fact, it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed. It's the reason I've been given 4 different anti-depressants, and none have worked. It's the reason I stopped taking the last two for for long periods before anyone could find out.

So...the lesson was: I have to look after myself. Nobody can be trusted.

And the usual expression is "time heals". It doesn't. I have dreams of incidents in my home, I used to experience dissociation to an alarming degree (and it happened last night, after months of being free from it), and when I'm in particularly tense periods, I often have panic/anxiety attacks. At this point, I've just decided to live with it. I don't think there's an honest way to deal with it except for death, but getting the fvck away from my home in the future may hopefully ease the issues I've experienced.

On several occasions, I've tried to make plans to kill myself because of this. The way I saw it was that if I was doomed to a bad life, I might as well not live at all. I'm concerned today because I don't know how I will function as an adult, because I am truly fvcked up from the development stage of my life.

And I really never had a friend know any of this about me until coming here. If nobody here was able to break through my hard shell to get to me a year and a half or so ago, nobody on the Earth ever would have.

---

So there, that's all I can say. I tried not to go into too much detail, and I left the specifics of certain issues out. I don't really even have every bad thing here - but these hurt me a lot.

Ultimately, I need to answer the question on why I'm an abrasive person. I didn't grow up in a normal way. I have been looking out for others and myself for longer than I wish I had. My childhood was fvcked by its ending, and I've already been screwed out of a lot of potential happiness. I'm a bitter person, who is cynical about life because of it.


This took a lot of courage to write, I have a lot of respect for you man. Keep doing your thing, and if you need anything my inbox is open.
Vaarka
Posts: 7,613
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7/14/2016 10:50:42 PM
Posted: 4 months ago
At 7/10/2016 3:07:11 PM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
Oh - I forgot to get to my weight issue.

Last summer, I lost over 10 pounds because antidepressants like to fvck with your appetite.

I remember when I was 12 or so, I only weighed about 60 pounds. Medications kill my appetite like *snaps* that XP

also, *hug*
You're probably thinking right now "haha I'm a genius". Well you're not -Valkrin

inferno: "I don't know, are you attracted to women?"
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All hail scum Vaarka, wielder of the bastard sword, smiter of nations, destroyer of spiders -VOT

"Vaarka, I've been thinking about this for a long time now," (pulls out small box made of macaroni) "W-will you be my noodle buddy?" -Kirigaya
MasonicSlayer
Posts: 2,320
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7/15/2016 11:11:37 PM
Posted: 4 months ago
At 7/10/2016 10:30:07 PM, Hayd wrote:
You're still awesome

I like the way you packaged three words together that masquerades an attention span looking to slip out the back door after it realizes the op was really just a post waiting to ambush as a book, but still come off as caring. You're a real pro
Godgirl
Posts: 500
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7/16/2016 1:26:17 AM
Posted: 4 months ago
At 7/10/2016 9:53:59 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:.

My maturity is a fun, long story to tell. As far as lives go, I was pretty normal for a long time. Until I hit fifth grade. That year, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. In school, I went from being liked well enough by the people around me - but still displaying introversion - to being bullied. And hey - I was and still am skinny (though I'm more skinny now than then, but we'll get to that later), and was not really inspiring fear through my physical frame.

So throughout the year, as I dealt with a dying father at home, I also had to deal with the threat of physical bullying at school. I had very few friends in school, and the only friends I had were really in just 2 of the 9 periods of the day. So the rest of the day, I was alone. And I mostly took everything. I just didn't say anything, didn't do anything - nothing.

My father died in February that year. It was February 5th, 2012. I was watching the Giants play the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI, as my father got sicker and sicker. I must say, he really tried to stick it through the game, but he couldn't. He left home for the last time. He came really close to dying at around midnight, February 6th. But he didn't - and if there is a god, thank god he didn't. February 6th is my birthday. I've never posted that publicly for a reason - I hate my birthday. But at least he waited three days after to die. So pretty much, February is the worst historical month of my life - because that's when it really started to come crashing down, and I was forced to get through that, and not be brought down with it.

First off, let me note that my father was pretty financially successful for a guy who practiced a trade. Random people today, that I would have never talked to otherwise - tell me when they find out who I am about how good he was at his job. He was a tile contractor. He helped design and did the work for people on their home with tile work. Local EMTs also have said things to me before - because he also was an EMT, and tended to be ready for calls every few nights out of the week. You could say I really admired the guy - he devoted his life to making his own path and helping other people. All that aside, my family lost a lot of money. There were concerns then that my family could have lost the house. Car payments, mortgage, and for god's sake the fvcking medical bills were hard to pay - and my family is still concerned today about the long-term viability of paying for the house. So, mark off financial instability.

Then, after some time off after the death, I get back to school. I was grieving, and some people helped me. However, bullies were a$sholes - as per usual. And one day, I snapped. Here I was - I had been hit, was called a "f@ggot" every day, and whatever. I never fought back. But one day, I hit my breaking point (and miraculously, I didn't get in trouble for it). The physical bullying got worse, and the adults/administration were bad at helping.

So I learned a valuable lesson from bullies: nobody is going to help me, so I must be ready to fight back at less than a moment's notice. Because of these people, this has become my instinct.

Snapping can be weird. I didn't really get bullied afterwards - at least, never regularly at public school. People - even my former bullies, started to fear me. Because they drove me fvcking crazy. And when you drive someone crazy, they will reach a breaking point. The breaking point isn't pretty when you've been physically going at them. I was simultaneously a skinny, easy target, and someone they didn't fvck with. And really, since then, physical bullying hasn't been nearly as common in my grade. Because I also saw other people get bullied.

And that was the second half to the lesson: since traditional forms of help are useless, I must be ready to protect others when seeing them being hurt.

And really, they haven't fvcked with me since I snapped. The few occasional bullying attempts since have either been ignored (if I don't ever see them), or quickly shut down.

But let us not forget the greatest lesson of all I learned from a year of being completely alone: people are terrible. The only way to not get hurt is to stay alone when possible.

---

So great! I solved my bullying issue. Well, there's more!

My mother, since my father died, has changed. Though, I don't know if she's really changed, or if I've wised up enough to see through her. She has become abusive since then. She takes her anger out on me. Today, it's verbal. But it wasn't always. In the words of a DDO member who I talked to about her: "your mother is an abusive witch".

My family instability is...not fun. I've been physically hurt, been driven to the lowest of low feelings, and my home life is a constant drag on my thoughts and wellbeing. In fact, it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed. It's the reason I've been given 4 different anti-depressants, and none have worked. It's the reason I stopped taking the last two for for long periods before anyone could find out.

So...the lesson was: I have to look after myself. Nobody can be trusted.

And the usual expression is "time heals". It doesn't. I have dreams of incidents in my home, I used to experience dissociation to an alarming degree (and it happened last night, after months of being free from it), and when I'm in particularly tense periods, I often have panic/anxiety attacks. At this point, I've just decided to live with it. I don't think there's an honest way to deal with it except for death, but getting the fvck away from my home in the future may hopefully ease the issues I've experienced.

On several occasions, I've tried to make plans to kill myself because of this. The way I saw it was that if I was doomed to a bad life, I might as well not live at all. I'm concerned today because I don't know how I will function as an adult, because I am truly fvcked up from the development stage of my life.

And I really never had a friend know any of this about me until coming here. If nobody here was able to break through my hard shell to get to me a year and a half or so ago, nobody on the Earth ever would have.

---

So there, that's all I can say. I tried not to go into too much detail, and I left the specifics of certain issues out. I don't really even have every bad thing here - but these hurt me a lot.

Ultimately, I need to answer the question on why I'm an abrasive person. I didn't grow up in a normal way. I have been looking out for others and myself for longer than I wish I had. My childhood was fvcked by its ending, and I've already been screwed out of a lot of potential happiness. I'm a bitter person, who is cynical about life because of it.

I matured in a way nobody should be forced to - and in a way many don't understand. And to those people who don't understand, I say you're lucky - turn the fvck around and run from me. But don't lecture me on proper behavior - I'd be far worse off if I had followed what others were doing. I can't change, because my wellbeing depends on my abrasiveness and isolation.

I'm sorry. That's really all I can say. Your story are me cry. I hope that things get better for you one day. You can pm me if you want, but I'm not sure you want to talk to a girl with an almost-perfect life and family.
Hug?
HeavenlyPanda
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7/16/2016 1:37:16 AM
Posted: 4 months ago
Once upon a time a little panda (me) was born. Now this little panda was born in an unfortunate time and because of that the little pandas mother left the little panda somewhere in the forest. She never returned. Now this little panda obviously had luck on its side because another giant panda had noticed this little panda that was all alone. It was a tiny little baby panda so the giant panda dropped the little panda off at the panda orphanage. The little panda was adopted by brown bears of North America and now lives happily. (Most of the time)
HeavenlyPanda. The most heavenly of all heavenly creatures.
1harderthanyouthink
Posts: 13,102
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7/17/2016 3:30:48 AM
Posted: 4 months ago
I find myself unable to respond to people in this thread. If you were expecting a response from me, I apologize.
"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here,
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear - that I'm not here."

-Syd Barrett

DDO Risk King
HeavenlyPanda
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7/17/2016 12:01:25 PM
Posted: 4 months ago
At 7/17/2016 3:30:48 AM, 1harderthanyouthink wrote:
I find myself unable to respond to people in this thread. If you were expecting a response from me, I apologize.

No problem, sometimes words can't be said.
HeavenlyPanda. The most heavenly of all heavenly creatures.
sadolite
Posts: 8,838
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7/17/2016 1:55:42 PM
Posted: 4 months ago
I was a complete loser when I was young. Did drugs, the whole nine yards. The cure: Got rid of all my friends, moved away, dropped off the face of the earth and left no forwarding address. Got new friends with christian values as they were instrumental in my turn around and the rest is history. There come a time in your life when you can no longer blame your life and the things you do on others no matter how badly you have been treated as a child. You are an adult now and no longer have to live under their rule. What you make of your life from here on out is 100% you.
It's not your views that divide us, it's what you think my views should be that divides us.

If you think I will give up my rights and forsake social etiquette to make you "FEEL" better you are sadly mistaken

If liberal democrats would just stop shooting people gun violence would drop by 90%
Nivek
Posts: 242
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7/18/2016 5:30:34 PM
Posted: 4 months ago
I never did experience the things you've been through so I'm not sure if I'm able to help. I did however, had the worst social life in high school but none were as severe as yours. As soon as I leave high school, that was the turning point of my life. I met new friends and they cared for me in ways I'd never thought they would. As for old high school friends, I just refuse to acknowledge their existence. I do encounter them if I'm back home but my only response was always "I don't think we've met before". It was something that I needed to do, otherwise I'll just keep beating myself to old memories.

Your story brought tears to my eyes. I never thought that you went through all those. I wish you the best in your recovery.