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rules of engagement with those we love

innomen
Posts: 10,052
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2/9/2011 1:44:56 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
So, any tricks you've all learned when dealing with those that are closest to you when there is an argument?

Some of the best advice i can think of is Rule #1: say less. Less is more, and silence has power, but don't abuse it.

Keeping a slow quiet tone keeps escalation to a minimum. There is also a moment that is fleeting but precious where you can end things by being silly.

Once engaged remember rule number one say only what is necessary to be said without going into condescending, patronizing language.

Never be afraid to say: I am sorry or I was wrong. If you are incapable of saying those two things you have no business being in a relationship.

Make up sex is great, but sometimes the cost is great.

There's a lot more i am sure... go to it.
nonentity
Posts: 5,008
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2/9/2011 1:51:27 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
I think the most important thing is to keep your distance first and then come back to it when you've both cooled down. The worst thing you can do is say something out of anger that you'll regret later because the other person will never forget it.
innomen
Posts: 10,052
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2/9/2011 1:54:47 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/9/2011 1:51:27 PM, nonentity wrote:
I think the most important thing is to keep your distance first and then come back to it when you've both cooled down. The worst thing you can do is say something out of anger that you'll regret later because the other person will never forget it.

Yes, and it only adds fuel to the fire so it is more likely you will say something even worse.
mattrodstrom
Posts: 12,028
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2/9/2011 1:59:23 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
No holds barred!!!

i think you should be careful about holding back/cooling down..

I find that a lot of times you just can't find the words for what's wrong if you do.. meanwhile if you rant/ramble about it when you have a concrete example and are in the moment... you can relay your feelings.. And the person see's just how much it bothers you (which will make things better understood)

so... Explosions can be good
just don't be a prick
"He who does not know how to put his will into things at least puts a meaning into them: that is, he believes there is a will in them already."

Metaphysics:
"The science.. which deals with the fundamental errors of mankind - but as if they were the fundamental truths."
badger
Posts: 11,793
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2/9/2011 2:08:06 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
i've not really ever had a loved one...like a girlfriend i really really loved and couldn't live without..

i've a nice few that i've told i loved and couldn't live without though lol..

..and when i had arguments with them, i was generally in the wrong..

so i just lied more :)

though i suppose they weren't really loved ones so it doesn't count..

my family are my loved ones though! the most common phrase in my house is "go away and don't be annoying me", which is telling your opponent(?) that you see where he/she is coming from, that you agree, and to fvck off...

it's like a way of throwing in the towel and holding on to some bit of pride..

it's how almost every argument ends in my house..

we never really do all that wrong by each other though.. so there are never really apologies..
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badger
Posts: 11,793
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2/9/2011 2:09:21 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
i imagine that if i really loved a girl i'd have no problem speaking what was on my mind to her..no holds barred like matt said...same as how i deal with my family..
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askbob
Posts: 7,254
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2/9/2011 2:16:12 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
Have arguments rarely, usually they end prematurely in sex
Me -Phil left the site in my charge. I have a recorded phone conversation to prove it.
kohai -If you're the owner, then do something useful like ip block him and get us away from juggle and on a dofferent host!
Me -haha you apparently don't know my history
Kohai - Maybe not, but that doesn't matter! You shoukd still listen to your community and quit being a tyrrant!
Me - i was being completely sarcastic
Kohai - then u misrepresented yourself by impersonating the owner—a violation of the tos
Danielle
Posts: 21,330
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2/9/2011 2:18:12 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/9/2011 1:59:23 PM, mattrodstrom wrote:
No holds barred!!!

That is pretty much the worst advice that I've ever heard.

I completely agree with innomen and nonentity. We all say things in fleeting moments of anger that we later regret. If you "can't find the words" later then it probably means it's not something you should say or that you'd like to consciously say to constructively contribute to the resolution of an argument.

Innomen's rules are great. My gf avoids arguments 99% of the time by putting her thumbs on her head to resemble moose ears (inside joke). It's so silly and playful that I can usually NEVER continue being mad. When I fvck up, I frown and apologize really sincerely in a baby voice. Then I throw my arms around her neck and squeeze her in a silly way lol it pretty much always does the trick. I told Vi that next time we're in the thick of a heated argument I'm going to stop in the middle and start freestyle rapping what I say to her... that would be hilarious. I'm pretty sure the argument would end soon thereafter.

If it's an argument when we're both mad, I make it a point so that we're never raising our voice and we pretty much always talk it out. Worst case scenario, one of us leaves and we wait til we cool down -- one of us knows when it's right to go apologize/make-up. One time she came back into the room and presented me a logic syllogism of why she was right! I corrected her premises, wrote her the refined version -- she laughed, knew I was right and then we both laughed and then kissed and made up and reveled in how much we friggin adore the sh!t out of each other lol.
President of DDO
innomen
Posts: 10,052
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2/9/2011 2:18:39 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/9/2011 1:59:23 PM, mattrodstrom wrote:
No holds barred!!!

i think you should be careful about holding back/cooling down..

I find that a lot of times you just can't find the words for what's wrong if you do.. meanwhile if you rant/ramble about it when you have a concrete example and are in the moment... you can relay your feelings.. And the person see's just how much it bothers you (which will make things better understood)

so... Explosions can be good
just don't be a prick

That has never ever served me. I guess much would depend on the other person. I always regret if not what i said, the way i said it.
badger
Posts: 11,793
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2/9/2011 2:27:22 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/9/2011 2:18:12 PM, theLwerd wrote:
At 2/9/2011 1:59:23 PM, mattrodstrom wrote:
No holds barred!!!

That is pretty much the worst advice that I've ever heard.

different strokes for different folks :) ...i don't think he was advising anyone of anything..
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SuperRobotWars
Posts: 3,906
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2/9/2011 3:45:57 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
In a relationship as a man: "You are always wrong" no matter how right you may be.
Minister Of Trolling
: At 12/6/2011 2:21:41 PM, badger wrote:
: ugly people should beat beautiful people ugly. simple! you'd be killing two birds with the one stone... women like violent men and you're making yourself more attractive, relatively. i met a blonde dude who was prettier than me not so long ago. he's not so pretty now! ha!
:
: ...and well, he wasn't really prettier than me. he just had nice hair.
badger
Posts: 11,793
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2/9/2011 4:04:55 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 2/9/2011 3:45:57 PM, SuperRobotWars wrote:
In a relationship as a man: "You are always wrong" no matter how right you may be.

lol.. ammm, no..
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