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Obama The 13th
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8/9/2012 1:43:35 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
We knew that Obama was a Kenyan mime, we knew that before he stepped upon it, Hawaii was one sixth its current size, we knew that he majored in Gay Agenda Studies (graduating cum laude), we knew that he runs with scissors on the offchance that he might trip, impale a schoolbus driver, and send it on a terminal careening trajectory into the Smithsonian, we knew that he resented the invention of penicillin, we knew that he rededicated NASA to sending shuttles filled with white flags to worlds with a higher than average probability of intelligent life, we knew that he never forgave Bill O'Reilly for defeating his undead army, but what we didn't know, is the most shocking knew of all.
A new prophecy from the High Limbaugh: Obama is the reincarnated form of the bear that informed on Anne Frank. As part of his Demoncrat tour through history, in his communally owned time machine. He's wanted by the noble Reagan Rangers for the Fall of Rome and Woodstock.
It turns out that of all the manflesh that Obama has alternately tried and regulated, upright taxpayer manflesh is his favorite. That's why Romney isn't releasing his tax returns: he doesn't have them, they're currently sitting in a silver, Mein Kampf-encrusted, beartrap in the forest - a lure too great for even Obama's commissar-grade will. Sure, he could hire a local woodland child to defuse the trap beforehand and thereby save his life, but he hates the economy too goshdarn much to pump any of Jesus' sweet dollars into it.
Further, caucasian God is angry with Obama for his healthcare evil, and is likely to strike him down, no matter the collateral damage. Romney's work at BC was a Noah-like attempt to save American jobs by shipping them out of the country, thus saving them from God's anti-multicultural wroth (God made the rainbow for you to look at, not for you to appropriate onto your Pride Hotpants).
Heed my warning. Don't let these United states become a cesspool like Europe, or a somewhat more tolerant version of itself.
Now if you'll excuse me, patrioteers, I'm away to take some sleeping pills and enjoy an American dream. The likes of which Obama could but gaze at enviously through the transparent film of his mother's egg-sac.
It was this, or be mean in response to anti-Obama sentiments. I chose weird over jerk, time will tell if I made the right call.
"There is an almost universal tendency, perhaps an inborn tendency, to suspect the good faith of a man who holds opinions that differ from our own opinions."
- Karl "Spartacus" Popper