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Bible Humor

FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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3/22/2011 3:21:41 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
Proverbs 21:19
It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife.

Proverbs 27:15-16
A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.

2 Kings 2:23-24
From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!"

He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord.

Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Proverbs 31:6
Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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3/22/2011 3:22:45 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 3/22/2011 3:21:41 AM, FREEDO wrote:
Proverbs 21:19
It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife.


Proverbs 27:15-16
A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.

Proverbs 31:6
Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.

The wisdom of proverbs.
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
DATCMOTO
Posts: 6,160
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3/22/2011 4:53:11 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 3/22/2011 2:52:19 AM, Osiris wrote:
Lol.

http://ffffound.com...

Timothy 3:15-17 (New International Version, ©2011)
15 and how from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God[a] may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
The Cross.. the Cross.
Osiris
Posts: 265
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3/22/2011 5:56:09 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 3/22/2011 4:53:11 AM, DATCMOTO wrote:
At 3/22/2011 2:52:19 AM, Osiris wrote:
Lol.

http://ffffound.com...

Timothy 3:15-17 (New International Version, ©2011)
15 and how from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God[a] may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.


I don't need the bible or any other book to "teach" me how to be a civilized person and treat people decently (>_<)
"Common sense is not so common." -Voltaire
Osiris
Posts: 265
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3/22/2011 5:57:17 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 3/22/2011 3:21:41 AM, FREEDO wrote:
Proverbs 21:19
It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife.


Proverbs 27:15-16
A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.


2 Kings 2:23-24
From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!"

He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord.

Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Proverbs 31:6
Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.

Bears mauling children ftw!
"Common sense is not so common." -Voltaire
Veridas
Posts: 733
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3/22/2011 6:02:53 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
1:and when Moses awoke he was refreshed 2: for he had been filled with the spirit and vigour of the LORD and his passion had redoubled thrice 3: and when Moses' partner awoke she found herself in the grasp of terrible discomfort for she had been skeptical of the LORD'S power and influence. 4: and Moses' partner did turn to him and sayeth "Art thou sure thou knowst' the way to cleanse and purge onesself after time with a lady?" 5: and Moses did look upon her and reply "For what reason would such things be asked?" 6: and Moses' partner did stand before him and reply. "because my bush is burning"
What fresh dickery is the internet up to today?
Thaddeus
Posts: 6,985
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3/22/2011 6:07:15 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 3/22/2011 6:02:53 AM, Veridas wrote:
1:and when Moses awoke he was refreshed 2: for he had been filled with the spirit and vigour of the LORD and his passion had redoubled thrice 3: and when Moses' partner awoke she found herself in the grasp of terrible discomfort for she had been skeptical of the LORD'S power and influence. 4: and Moses' partner did turn to him and sayeth "Art thou sure thou knowst' the way to cleanse and purge onesself after time with a lady?" 5: and Moses did look upon her and reply "For what reason would such things be asked?" 6: and Moses' partner did stand before him and reply. "because my bush is burning"

Lol.
FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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3/22/2011 6:14:58 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 3/22/2011 4:53:11 AM, DATCMOTO wrote:
At 3/22/2011 2:52:19 AM, Osiris wrote:
Lol.

http://ffffound.com...

Timothy 3:15-17 (New International Version, ©2011)
15 and how from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God[a] may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.


However, you may purchase male or female slaves from among the foreigners who live among you. You may also purchase the children of such resident foreigners, including those who have been born in your land. You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance. You may treat your slaves like this, but the people of Israel, your relatives, must never be treated this way. (Leviticus 25:44-46)

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. (Ephesians 6:5)

Suppose you hear in one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you that some worthless rabble among you have led their fellow citizens astray by encouraging them to worship foreign gods. In such cases, you must examine the facts carefully. If you find it is true and can prove that such a detestable act has occurred among you, you must attack that town and completely destroy all its inhabitants, as well as all the livestock. Then you must pile all the plunder in the middle of the street and burn it. Put the entire town to the torch as a burnt offering to the LORD your God. That town must remain a ruin forever; it may never be rebuilt. Keep none of the plunder that has been set apart for destruction. Then the LORD will turn from his fierce anger and be merciful to you. He will have compassion on you and make you a great nation, just as he solemnly promised your ancestors. "The LORD your God will be merciful only if you obey him and keep all the commands I am giving you today, doing what is pleasing to him. (Deuteronomy 13:13-19 )

Anyone arrogant enough to reject the verdict of the judge or of the priest who represents the LORD your God must be put to death. Such evil must be purged from Israel. (Deuteronomy 17:12 )

If a man lies with a male as with a women, both of them shall be put to death for their abominable deed; they have forfeited their lives." (Leviticus 20:13)

Whoever strikes his father or mother shall be put to death. (Exodus 21:15)

All who curse their father or mother must be put to death. They are guilty of a capital offense. (Leviticus 20:9)

If a man commits adultery with another man's wife, both the man and the woman must be put to death. (Leviticus 20:10)

A priest's daughter who loses her honor by committing fornication and thereby dishonors her father also, shall be burned to death. (Leviticus 21:9)

Then I heard the LORD say to the other men, "Follow him through the city and kill everyone whose forehead is not marked. Show no mercy; have no pity! Kill them all – old and young, girls and women and little children. But do not touch anyone with the mark. Begin your task right here at the Temple." So they began by killing the seventy leaders. "Defile the Temple!" the LORD commanded. "Fill its courtyards with the bodies of those you kill! Go!" So they went throughout the city and did as they were told. (Ezekiel 9:5-7)

As you approach a town to attack it, first offer its people terms for peace. If they accept your terms and open the gates to you, then all the people inside will serve you in forced labor. But if they refuse to make peace and prepare to fight, you must attack the town. When the LORD your God hands it over to you, kill every man in the town. But you may keep for yourselves all the women, children, livestock, and other plunder. You may enjoy the spoils of your enemies that the LORD your God has given you. (Deuteronomy 20:10-14)
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
feverish
Posts: 2,716
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3/22/2011 7:10:02 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
This is probably my favouite humorous biblical event:

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.


1 Samuel 18:27 KJB
Osiris
Posts: 265
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3/22/2011 12:36:32 PM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 3/22/2011 6:02:53 AM, Veridas wrote:
1:and when Moses awoke he was refreshed 2: for he had been filled with the spirit and vigour of the LORD and his passion had redoubled thrice 3: and when Moses' partner awoke she found herself in the grasp of terrible discomfort for she had been skeptical of the LORD'S power and influence. 4: and Moses' partner did turn to him and sayeth "Art thou sure thou knowst' the way to cleanse and purge onesself after time with a lady?" 5: and Moses did look upon her and reply "For what reason would such things be asked?" 6: and Moses' partner did stand before him and reply. "because my bush is burning"

Lmao! Sounds like someone had the clap.
"Common sense is not so common." -Voltaire