Total Posts:31|Showing Posts:1-30|Last Page
Jump to topic:

Jokes

medic0506
Posts: 13,450
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 3:27:02 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Just saw this joke and thought I'd start a thread for jokes.

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the

"accidents" that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he

said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes

behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards

him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder

and saw the grizzly was closing.

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He

looked again and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell

to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right

over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw

strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God...!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist

and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help

you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical to

ask to be religious after all these years, but perhaps you could make

the bear religious?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

..and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together

and bowed its head and spoke: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to recieve..."
DeFool
Posts: 626
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 3:38:27 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Watching the suffering, fear and death of non-believers has always amused the Christians, who used to make great sport of burning these people in city-squares.

I note, with contempt, the vile and horrible story of Noah's Ark, the incestuous man who watched the deaths of millions of children by drowning. "They had it coming." "They were warned."

"See I told you so."

As a boy, I would regularly masturbate as I stared at the image of Mary, holding the infant Jesus at her breast. I uttered the phrase "Oh my God," I am certain, many times during such moments of ecstasy.

Just as the bear ate the atheist, I imagined Mary devouring my seed. I laugh today at the similarity between the two stories.
DeFool
Posts: 626
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 3:42:55 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 9/25/2012 3:38:45 PM, InsertNameHere wrote:
I have heard that joke before, very good. Hahahaha.

The baby Jesus liked it, too. He told me so.
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 3:43:28 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 9/25/2012 3:42:55 PM, DeFool wrote:
At 9/25/2012 3:38:45 PM, InsertNameHere wrote:
I have heard that joke before, very good. Hahahaha.

The baby Jesus liked it, too. He told me so.

I was talking about the OP, but ok.
AlwaysMoreThanYou
Posts: 2,900
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 3:48:58 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 9/25/2012 3:38:27 PM, DeFool wrote:
Watching the suffering, fear and death of non-believers has always amused the Christians, who used to make great sport of burning these people in city-squares.

I note, with contempt, the vile and horrible story of Noah's Ark, the incestuous man who watched the deaths of millions of children by drowning. "They had it coming." "They were warned."

"See I told you so."

As a boy, I would regularly masturbate as I stared at the image of Mary, holding the infant Jesus at her breast. I uttered the phrase "Oh my God," I am certain, many times during such moments of ecstasy.

Just as the bear ate the atheist, I imagined Mary devouring my seed. I laugh today at the similarity between the two stories.

Hear that? It's the sound of nobody laughing.
'When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.' - John 16:13
DeFool
Posts: 626
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 3:50:13 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 9/25/2012 3:43:28 PM, InsertNameHere wrote:
At 9/25/2012 3:42:55 PM, DeFool wrote:
At 9/25/2012 3:38:45 PM, InsertNameHere wrote:
I have heard that joke before, very good. Hahahaha.

The baby Jesus liked it, too. He told me so.

I was talking about the OP, but ok.

The baby Jesus laughs when he sees these people being torn apart by beasts.

One day, an old man named Elisha was walking through the town. Some boys spied him, and called out, "Hey! Thou bald head!" To the man.

The baby Jesus overheard all of this, and sent two bears to kill the boys, tearing them limb from limb. The children screamed out in pain and terror.

Guffaws.

2 Kings 2
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 3:51:13 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 9/25/2012 3:48:58 PM, AlwaysMoreThanYou wrote:
At 9/25/2012 3:38:27 PM, DeFool wrote:
Watching the suffering, fear and death of non-believers has always amused the Christians, who used to make great sport of burning these people in city-squares.

I note, with contempt, the vile and horrible story of Noah's Ark, the incestuous man who watched the deaths of millions of children by drowning. "They had it coming." "They were warned."

"See I told you so."

As a boy, I would regularly masturbate as I stared at the image of Mary, holding the infant Jesus at her breast. I uttered the phrase "Oh my God," I am certain, many times during such moments of ecstasy.

Just as the bear ate the atheist, I imagined Mary devouring my seed. I laugh today at the similarity between the two stories.

Hear that? It's the sound of nobody laughing.

Word. We need somebody with a sense of humour posting jokes.
DeFool
Posts: 626
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 3:53:06 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 9/25/2012 3:50:13 PM, DeFool wrote:
At 9/25/2012 3:43:28 PM, InsertNameHere wrote:
At 9/25/2012 3:42:55 PM, DeFool wrote:
At 9/25/2012 3:38:45 PM, InsertNameHere wrote:
I have heard that joke before, very good. Hahahaha.

The baby Jesus liked it, too. He told me so.

I was talking about the OP, but ok.

The baby Jesus laughs when he sees these people being torn apart by beasts.

One day, an old man named Elisha was walking through the town. Some boys spied him, and called out, "Hey! Thou bald head!" To the man.

The baby Jesus overheard all of this, and sent two bears to kill the boys, tearing them limb from limb. The children screamed out in pain and terror.

Guffaws.

2 Kings 2

Hear that? That is the sound of Jesus laughing.

Epilogue: Then the bears killed forty more children... raucous laughter....
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 3:54:46 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching.

She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible.

Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion.

She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give $50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.

Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favor of those in her Sunday school class.

As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got.

Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals.

Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb."

Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.

"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ." said Moishe.

Angela was shocked but still gave him the $50 reward.

As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."
DeFool
Posts: 626
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 3:56:23 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Here's another joke from the lord:

"Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks!"
-Psalms 137:9

My sides almost hurt...
DeFool
Posts: 626
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 4:00:22 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Stop me if you've heard this one...

'Ye shall keep the sabbath ... every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death.'
Exodus, Chapter 31

Hysterical
AlwaysMoreThanYou
Posts: 2,900
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 4:00:46 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
A classic:

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job".

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mails. They sent out e-mails with attachments. They downloaded. They did genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves!"
'When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.' - John 16:13
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 4:06:50 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
AlwaysMoreThanYou
Posts: 2,900
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 4:08:58 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 9/25/2012 4:06:50 PM, InsertNameHere wrote:
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

hahaha

That's a good one.
'When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.' - John 16:13
DeFool
Posts: 626
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 4:14:47 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
...And then there was the time that the baby Jesus told Moses to have his soldiers rape 32,000 little girls.... I can barely breathe..

Numbers 31:18
OberHerr
Posts: 13,062
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 5:59:06 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Defool is desucky at dejokes.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OBERHERR'S SIGNATURE-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Official Enforcer for the DDO Elite(if they existed).

"Cases are anti-town." - FourTrouble

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Lordknukle
Posts: 12,788
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 6:01:31 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
"Easy is the descent to Avernus, for the door to the Underworld lies upon both day and night. But to retrace your steps and return to the breezes above- that's the task, that's the toil."
medic0506
Posts: 13,450
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 6:58:19 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"
medic0506
Posts: 13,450
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 7:49:44 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I"ll grant you three wishes, Master." The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. "What about your third wish?" asks the genie. "Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars." The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. "What"s wrong?" asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn"t necessarily mean that I really exist."
---------------------------------------

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
---------------------------------------

An atheist (who was an evolutionary
biologist) walked into a bar...

No one can prove or disprove what happened next.
--------------------------------------

An Atheist walks into a bar and sits down at a table with Hitler, Stalin, Napoleon, Julius Caesar, Alexander of Macedon, Pol Pot, Kaiser Wilhelm and Genghis Khan to discuss their ongoing PR venture - "How all wars are caused by religion!"
DeFool
Posts: 626
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 7:51:10 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Oh wait, how about this one....

The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it. -- Proverbs 30:17

I can't stop laughing....
DeFool
Posts: 626
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 7:53:51 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Another favorite... This one is from the pre born Jesus:

"And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend." -- Jeremiah 19:9

Rotfl
stubs
Posts: 1,887
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 7:58:20 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Jesus and Moses decide to play a game of golf. They are on the fourth hole and there is a pond right before the green.

When Jesus pulls out his 7 iron Moses says, "You better use you're 6 iron there is no way you can make it over that pond."

Jesus replies, "I saw Tiger Woods do it on t.v. If he can do it, I can do it."
Just as Moses predicted, Jesus hit's the ball in the water. So Moses walks up to the pond, parts it, retrieves Jesus' ball and gives it back to him. Jesus thanks him and puts the ball back down to try again.

This time Moses says, "Bro, you just used your 7 and hit it into the water. Use your 6 iron." Once again Jesus responds, "I saw Tiger Woods do it on T.V. If he can do it, I can do it."

So Jesus takes a swing and hits the ball. Once again it goes right into the pond. So Moses is forced to go do his parting of the water thing and he brings the ball back to Jesus. Once again Jesus is about to use his 7 iron when moses says, "You're an idiot. Are you really going to use your 7 again?"

To this Jesus says, "I saw Tiger Woods do it on T.V. If he can do it, I can do it." Jesus, once again, hits his ball straight into the pond. Moses is upset now and he say, "I'm not going to get your ball anymore." So Jesus says fine and walks on the pond to go retrieve his ball.

By this time Jesus had taken so long that the group playing behind them see Jesus walking on the water. One of them yells, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses says, "No. Tiger Woods."

Bonus: How do you make holy water?
------> Boil the hell out of it
DeFool
Posts: 626
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 8:08:12 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 9/25/2012 8:01:16 PM, stubs wrote:
A priest, rapist, and pedophile walk into a bar...

And he orders a drink

Ok. I am humbled. This one was really good. Better than all of mine...
OberHerr
Posts: 13,062
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/25/2012 8:43:30 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
At 9/25/2012 8:08:12 PM, DeFool wrote:
At 9/25/2012 8:01:16 PM, stubs wrote:
A priest, rapist, and pedophile walk into a bar...

And he orders a drink

Ok. I am humbled. This one was really good. Better than all of mine...

I like how you say that as if that's an acheviment.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OBERHERR'S SIGNATURE-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Official Enforcer for the DDO Elite(if they existed).

"Cases are anti-town." - FourTrouble

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
jharry
Posts: 4,984
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/26/2012 2:47:56 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
Jesus Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute.

It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away.

All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."
In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen
jharry
Posts: 4,984
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/26/2012 2:52:06 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
In New York City, a man is going to jump off the building.

Up rushes good Irish cop to talk him down.

Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"

Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"

Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"

----------------------------

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Mary declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Mary repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

-------------------------------------
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen
jharry
Posts: 4,984
Add as Friend
Challenge to a Debate
Send a Message
9/26/2012 2:57:12 AM
Posted: 4 years ago
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?
In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen