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No Conviction...

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8/28/2013 5:18:17 PM
Posted: 4 years ago
Yesterday, I went back to my first day of school. It is a small, private Christian academy, with a lot of Scripture-based doctrine interwoven into it's subjects. This past summer, I took a good long look into my beliefs as a Christian, and began to study it, as well as studying atheism and other religions. For the record, I am now an agnostic atheist.

Back to the story, I was working on one of my subjects- science, no doubt. At my school, they teach Creationism, and thanks to all the things I know now about evolution and the like, I couldn't help but chuckle at some of the things it said, like the earth being only 6,000 years old. :P My friend (we'll call her Sarah), looked over at me funny and leaned over. Note that Sarah is a firm believer.

"What are you laughing at?" she whispered. I told her that I thought Creationism was simply silly and told her some of the "facts" that I thought were hilarious. She didn't laugh.

"What's so funny about that?" she answered. "That is what the Bible says. Don't you believe it?" I shook my head "no" and told her that I had become an agnostic, and that I didn't believe in it anymore. She gawked at me.

"Why?! Why would you do that? Don't you believe? Haven't you ever heard God talk to you, or feel Him guide you? Haven't you ever felt convicted...?" I told her no, and stated a few reasons why I didn't believe in Christianity anymore. Up to that point, the teacher yelled at us to stop talking, and we went back to our work, but not before Sarah whispered to me, "Well...I'll pray for you..."

I thought that was the end of that, but I mulled over her questions for a bit. Now that I thought about it, even when I was little, I never really "felt" God in my life. I've heard dozens, if not hundreds of testimonies of people being talked to and "touched" by God. I've been to prayer meetings where people have been "healed" and pass out, have convulsions, and run around the sanctuary, screaming and shouting and praising God, and I would stand there going "What's wrong with them..?". I have even been a participant to many of these meetings, and have been prayed over and touched on the forehead. I felt nothing. Years ago, on a mission camp, I remember asking God to reveal Himself to me, truly and honestly. I woke the next morning, unchanged.

For years, I had convinced myself that I was a Christian and I believed I was saved, but it was more to please others than myself. I tried to live, and even think, good thoughts and do good deeds for fear that God was peering over my shoulder. I stayed tied to my beliefs ultimately because of Pascal's Wager- I'd rather go to Heaven than to be wrong and suffer in Hell. But then I realized, that even then, I wasn't being true to my beliefs, and that saying I was "saved" just to be rewarded was selfish. That's why I started studying my beliefs and ultimately became an atheist, rather than live a lie.

So, basically, I wanted to ask (mainly religious people, but atheists are welcome to share their opinion) if you have ever experienced a supernatural experience, or that you are convicted that what you believe is true. I have asked other people this question before, and they tend to answer "Well, God will reveal Himself to you in due time."

I mean, idk anymore... :/
Today, you are you,
That is truer than true,
There is no one alive,
That is youer than you.
- Dr. Seuss