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Dirty Myths.

Lordgrae
Posts: 666
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7/13/2014 5:48:52 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
This is a forum where, I, Lord Grae, and others may post dirty re-tellings of myths. If you would like me to tell a dirty version of a specific myth (including ones currently believed by large amounts of people), please respond to this post and tell me. If I don't know it, I will research it.
Birth Name: Graesil s'h'u Aln s'de Alanai'u s'se Saeron
Name: Grae
Titles: Lord, x'Sor Linniae (the false king), Elven War Chief, Heir to Aln
Class: Melee Archer/ Orator
Main Stats: Charisma, Dexterity
Weilds: Bladebow, Elven Slim Sword
Skills: Oration, Double Shot, Backstab, Snatch, Overwhelm Mind, Dominate, Parley, Restorative Sleep
Personal History: Born as the second of triplets, he was wed at an early age to a Dryad. He escaped several times, and on the last was captured and enslaved
Lordgrae
Posts: 666
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7/13/2014 6:00:04 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
This is the story of Hyacinthus.

So Hyacinthus was this very attractive blond poolboy with a huuuuuge package. I mean like, comparing it to the size and mass of a black hole might be an understatement.

So anyway, Apollo, being the pedophile that he is, was all like, and I quote, "I totally want to tap that" unquote. And because he was a god, and he gets his way, and Zeus was too busy screwing some girl somewhere to go after Hyacinthus, they had sex. And after that, Hyacinthus became Apollo"s sex-slave/prison b!tch/"faithful companion".

But somewhere, darkness (or bad Greek food) was brewing. The god of the West Winds, Zephyr, who also was pretty much a pedophile, but wasn"t all of Greece at that time? So basically, Zephyr was getting pretty jelly of all of the attention that Apollo got from pool boy/ prison bitch Hyacinthus and his massive d!ck. So his rage and frustration boiled, until he could no longer contain it. So then he decided to take action, to be as fast as the wind, and he". M@sturbated excessively for several days. And because of how fast he was, it only took him like, thirty seconds to finish.

Now you know why Hyacinthus "chose" Apollo. However, this tactic didn"t really work, so instead of spiriting Hyacinthus away, he waited until Apollo was playing discus.

Apollo was playing with his discus like a Frisbee, because he was too busy banging children to learn how to play, and he threw a nice easy pass to his friend, Couldn"t-think-of-a-name-o. However, Zephyr used his mighty power of only one wind to blow the discus towards Hyacinthus, who was turned around, because Apollo asked him to bend over to pick something up.

And Apollo was all like, "nooooooooooo (singing)". Oh yeah, Apollo is a really bad singer. Most people think he would be good, cause he"s the god of music, but he isn"t. Because f*ck him, that"s why.
Anyway, so the discus went straight up Hyacinthus"s @$$, which had expanded from repeatedly being plowed by Apollo. It struck his vital organs, and he fell dead. And the west wind blew, touching his dead body sexually, just to rub it in Apollo"s face. Then, Apollo took Hyacinthus"s body, and after having sex with it one last time, oh yeah, Apollo is a necrophiliac pedophile, turned it into a flower. This was probably so he could rub it all over his face and no one would think that it was weird.

The moral of this story is"". Uhhhh"".. Wait! Killing a boy you were planning on molesting because he got touched by some other person before you is okay! Yay. Greek myths teach us such good lessons.
Birth Name: Graesil s'h'u Aln s'de Alanai'u s'se Saeron
Name: Grae
Titles: Lord, x'Sor Linniae (the false king), Elven War Chief, Heir to Aln
Class: Melee Archer/ Orator
Main Stats: Charisma, Dexterity
Weilds: Bladebow, Elven Slim Sword
Skills: Oration, Double Shot, Backstab, Snatch, Overwhelm Mind, Dominate, Parley, Restorative Sleep
Personal History: Born as the second of triplets, he was wed at an early age to a Dryad. He escaped several times, and on the last was captured and enslaved
Lordgrae
Posts: 666
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7/13/2014 6:01:04 PM
Posted: 2 years ago
Oh yeah, and no one is making you read this. So please don't report this. I wrote that it was dirty on the actual forum heading, so you should have known what you were doing when you clicked on it.
Birth Name: Graesil s'h'u Aln s'de Alanai'u s'se Saeron
Name: Grae
Titles: Lord, x'Sor Linniae (the false king), Elven War Chief, Heir to Aln
Class: Melee Archer/ Orator
Main Stats: Charisma, Dexterity
Weilds: Bladebow, Elven Slim Sword
Skills: Oration, Double Shot, Backstab, Snatch, Overwhelm Mind, Dominate, Parley, Restorative Sleep
Personal History: Born as the second of triplets, he was wed at an early age to a Dryad. He escaped several times, and on the last was captured and enslaved