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The Religious World History Fairy Tale in a N

Kyle_the_Heretic
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1/4/2015 3:18:54 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
While I worked as a correctional officer at Lompoc Penitentiary (and that's as detailed as anything will get about me), I spent a lot of time with an inmate who rejected my Christian beliefs. Being in what movies popularly call the hole (though they represent it as inaccurately as they can), the inmate had a whole lot of time, and used some of it to write me his version of religious world history, using the title of this topic.

I feel obligated to give a bit of history about the author. His name was Mike, but he insisted on being called Dixie. I was the only officer who refused to call him Dixie, and for that, he once cornered me in the laundry section, when no other officers were about, and told me if I didn't call him Dixie, he would sink his teeth into my neck and let me share his agony with AIDS. Even with full blown AIDS, Dixie was a powerfully strong man. So, Dixie it was. A short time later, after I had developed a rapport with Dixie, he begged me to forgive him for that incident.

Dixie was in the hole because he had taken the life of another inmate during a lover's quarrel. But aside from the threat he made to me, he showed no hostility toward the officers, so he was made an orderly of the hole, which meant he could roam the unit (or block, if you prefer) freely for about three or four hours a day. I worked in the hole more than anywhere else in the pen, so I spent quite a bit of time with Dixie, where he would often challenge my religious beliefs. One day I arrived at the hole, and Dixie handed me an envelope. That was usually a bad thing, it was either a heads up that someone was about to die, or a riot was in the planning. But I was relieved to see that it was just Dixie's version of creation and what followed.

Policy wouldn't allow me to take the story home, and I was one of those officers who strictly adhered to policy. So I wrote it all down to the best of my memory when I got home that evening. Policy also made it very clear that officers were never to befriend inmates. I completely agreed with that policy, and kept a "fence" between myself and the inmates at all times. Nonetheless, I respected many inmates as if they were my friends. I have not been a correctional officer for fourteen years now (quit, not retired), so I can now call Dixie, and a few other inmates my friends.

In an earlier post I said Dixie is an agnostic. That's not accurate. I really don't know what he is now, he's been dead for over fifteen years. When I met him, he was an atheist, but as the aids began to deteriorate his mind, he had dreams that convinced him to become agnostic. Dixie was an extremely intelligent man, and realized that it was most likely the AIDS that was causing the dreams. He said it didn't matter anyway, because if there really was an eternal lake of fire, he was going there no matter what. I assured him that no such lake exists. He said my delusions were stronger than his, so he would take my word for it.

Several years after I met Dixie, he was to be transferred to a facility where inmates are sent to die of disease and old age. When we went to get him ready for the trip, we found that he had taken his own life. If Dixie had any family, they had disowned him, there was no record of any family. So the only legacy Dixie has, that I'm aware of, is the humorous version of creation he wrote to show me how silly he felt Christian beliefs were.

Having been rewritten from memory, it will, of course, not be as accurate as the original, but still being fresh in my mind as I wrote, it is nonetheless very close to accurate. A major change is the lack of expletives, which I chose to omit as I wrote from memory. In the original, there were an inordinate amount of expletives. Should you want them back, just take your pick, and place them where you want, and you'll probably be right.

Story posted separately below.
Thinking is extremely taxing on the gullible, and it takes hours to clear the smoke.
Kyle_the_Heretic
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1/4/2015 3:20:02 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
So, a being, for no explicable reason, is floating around in a void, combing his long white beard for eons and eons and says to himself, "Well, this sucks."

He thinks for a while and says, "I know, I'll start talking to another part of myself so that I'm not alone. I'll call this part of myself the Father, and that part of myself the Son."

He puts his beard comb away, and says, "Hello Son."

"Hello Father."

"So, what do you want to do Son?"

"I don't know, what do you want to do?"

This is repeated for an eon or so, and the Father says, "Well, this sucks."

Then the Son says, "Hey, I have an idea. Let's create a third part of ourself, and ask it what it wants to do."

"Good idea", says the Father.

"But", says the Son. "I want to be more special than our third part, so let's just call it a spirit or a ghost, or something like that."

"Okay", says the Father. "But we'll give it the title 'Holy', so that it feels special, and doesn't complain."

"Hello Holy Ghost", says the Father. "Great to have you with us", says the Son.

"Whatever."

"So, what do you want to do HG", they both ask.

"Look around dudes. We're in a frickin' void."

More eons pass, with lots of grumbling, when the Holy Ghost says, "Hey, we exist, so why can't other stuff exist."

"What do you mean, other stuff", the Son asks.

"You know, stuff. Like us."

"There isn't any other stuff", says the Father.

"Well maybe we can make some", says HG.

"How?"

"I don't know. Snap your fingers and let's see what happens."

The Father snaps his fingers, and stuff appears.

"Whoa! I didn't know I could do that."

So the Father snaps away, and they form stars and planets and galaxies and all kinds of good stuff.

Billions of years later.

"Well, that was kind of fun", said the father. "But now what do we do?"

"I don't", says the Son. "What do you want to do?"

"Here we go again", says HG.

"Wait", says the Father. "I have an idea. Let's create beings like us, cover them with mud so they have physical bodies, call them men, and tell them they have to obey us or else."

"That doesn't sound like very much fun", says the Son.

"I'm not done yet. We'll make it impossible to obey us, blame it on something we'll call the Devil, and watch them squirm. For good measure, we'll make another being and call it woman."

"A woman sounds like a pretty worthless thing to throw in there", says HG.

"No, it will be great. She'll tempt man, and then nag him."

The Son and HG look incredulous.

"It'll be a hoot. Trust me."

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(Note: It is here that Dixie added some dialogue between the three about the flood, and later about Jesus. It's certain that Christian readers have thus far found Dixie's rendition to be irreverent and offensive, but they would find his dialogue about the flood and Jesus a hundred times more so offensive. At this point, Dixie wasn't trying to be humorous anymore. He was just being all out as nasty and offensive as he could possibly be. So forgive me non-Christian readers, but I'm going to omit that part of the dialogue (to avoid extreme offense), which was almost as long as what I've already shown. And no, sorry, I won't private message or email it to anybody. It just doesn't need to be out there.

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Back to the dialogue.

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Some thousands of years pass.

"Well, this isn't fun anymore", says the Father.

"Well, what do you want to do? It's pretty much out of control now", says HG.

"Let's just incinerate the whole mess", says the Father. (The Son has no dialogue, because he's upset with the other two about his role on the Earth, and isn't speaking to them. it's in the part I omitted.)

"And what will you do with all those left over spirits?"

"Just what I said we would do. (Also in the part that I omitted.) We'll send these over here to praise my name forever, and those over there to burn forever, and then forget about all of them, forever."

Everything done, the three are back to floating about.

Eons pass yet again.

"Now what do you want to do?"

---------------------------

Comments posted below.
Thinking is extremely taxing on the gullible, and it takes hours to clear the smoke.
Kyle_the_Heretic
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1/4/2015 3:21:11 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
After reading his fairytale, I told Dixie (briefly, because I'm getting tired of typing. I can elaborate later of anyone wishes):

I don't believe an immortal omnipotent being would choose to look old for eternity.

I don't believe in a schizophrenic god.

I don't believe "stuff" can be made out of nothing.

I do believe in a devil.

I don't believe in an eternal lake of fire (as mentioned earlier).

I don't believe we'll ever be set aside and forgotten.
Thinking is extremely taxing on the gullible, and it takes hours to clear the smoke.
SNP1
Posts: 2,403
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1/4/2015 10:07:50 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 1/4/2015 3:20:02 AM, Kyle_the_Heretic wrote:
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(Note: It is here that Dixie added some dialogue between the three about the flood, and later about Jesus. It's certain that Christian readers have thus far found Dixie's rendition to be irreverent and offensive, but they would find his dialogue about the flood and Jesus a hundred times more so offensive. At this point, Dixie wasn't trying to be humorous anymore. He was just being all out as nasty and offensive as he could possibly be. So forgive me non-Christian readers, but I'm going to omit that part of the dialogue (to avoid extreme offense), which was almost as long as what I've already shown. And no, sorry, I won't private message or email it to anybody. It just doesn't need to be out there.

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It was kinda funny. I want to see this part. Could you possibly message it to me (so you do not offend those that do not want to read it)?
#TheApatheticNihilistPartyofAmerica
#WarOnDDO
Kyle_the_Heretic
Posts: 748
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1/4/2015 12:22:31 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
At 1/4/2015 10:07:50 AM, SNP1 wrote:

It was kinda funny. I want to see this part. Could you possibly message it to me (so you do not offend those that do not want to read it)?

I'm sorry, I just can't. Being Christian, I didn't rewrite many of the severely offensive things Dixie wrote about Christ, but I still remember it very well, and I just can't, in good conscience, repeat it. To explain a bit, Dixie made Christ very much like himself, that's the best I can do you. But I'll give you the less offensive stuff about Noah.

For my sake, Dixie tried to write the dialogue from a heterosexual point of view, without really succeeding. But he has Noah saying that if he has to have two of every kind of animal on the Ark, it's only fair that he should have two of every kind of woman as well. Then, after it's all complete, and Noah, his family and all the animals are shut up in the Ark, the three cause it to rain forty days and forty nights...only on the Ark, and get a good laugh out of the joke they played on Noah.
Thinking is extremely taxing on the gullible, and it takes hours to clear the smoke.