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Rated R- 3 men stand @ gates ...?

lastrequest691
Posts: 339
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8/3/2010 9:32:58 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.

So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
"That song was absolutely waste of talent; you sounded like a wounded animal and who told you to play the guitar by yourself." Simon Cowell
tBoonePickens
Posts: 3,266
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8/3/2010 10:40:12 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
Good one, but not really rated R.
WOS
: At 10/3/2012 4:28:52 AM, Wallstreetatheist wrote:
: Without nothing existing, you couldn't have something.
Floid
Posts: 751
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8/3/2010 2:14:16 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but
you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven.
Can you prove you're Albert Einstein?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks,
"Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and
symbols, his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural
with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "You are definitely the great artist you claim to
be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees Sarah Palin.

Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both
managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Palin looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, Sarah."
tBoonePickens
Posts: 3,266
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8/3/2010 2:50:07 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
Got one for you INH...takes place a few years ago while Bush was prez...

So Ahmadinejad comes to the US for some talks in the UN and then spends some time in NYC. He watches American tv shows he's never seen before and he loves them! Of particular interest to him, was the tv show Star Trek. He was so very curious about it, so while visiting the White House, he decide to ask Pres. Bush about the show. He said, "Mr. President, I really enjoyed the tv show 'Star Trek.' I love to see how all of humanity gets along!" Bush responds to him, "I like it as well. It's a very popular show." "There's one question that's been eating at me, though. Maybe you can answer it" says Ahmadinejad. Ahmadinejad goes on to ask, "Mr President, why is it that there are no Muslims on the show?" To which Bush replies, "that's because the show takes place in the future!"
WOS
: At 10/3/2012 4:28:52 AM, Wallstreetatheist wrote:
: Without nothing existing, you couldn't have something.
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
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8/3/2010 2:52:14 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 8/3/2010 2:50:07 PM, tBoonePickens wrote:
Got one for you INH...takes place a few years ago while Bush was prez...

So Ahmadinejad comes to the US for some talks in the UN and then spends some time in NYC. He watches American tv shows he's never seen before and he loves them! Of particular interest to him, was the tv show Star Trek. He was so very curious about it, so while visiting the White House, he decide to ask Pres. Bush about the show. He said, "Mr. President, I really enjoyed the tv show 'Star Trek.' I love to see how all of humanity gets along!" Bush responds to him, "I like it as well. It's a very popular show." "There's one question that's been eating at me, though. Maybe you can answer it" says Ahmadinejad. Ahmadinejad goes on to ask, "Mr President, why is it that there are no Muslims on the show?" To which Bush replies, "that's because the show takes place in the future!"

Hahahaha. I lol'ed. xD Good job.
I-am-a-panda
Posts: 15,380
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8/3/2010 2:56:16 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
Proof Americans are blithering idiots:

Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version." [http://www.museumofhoaxes.com...]
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
FREEDO
Posts: 21,057
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8/3/2010 2:59:09 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 8/3/2010 2:56:16 PM, I-am-a-panda wrote:
Proof Americans are blithering idiots:

Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version." [http://www.museumofhoaxes.com...]

This couldn't have really happened...
GRAND POOBAH OF DDO

fnord
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
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8/3/2010 3:01:01 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 8/3/2010 2:59:09 PM, FREEDO wrote:
At 8/3/2010 2:56:16 PM, I-am-a-panda wrote:
Proof Americans are blithering idiots:

Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version." [http://www.museumofhoaxes.com...]

This couldn't have really happened...

It did actually happen. It was an April Fool's joke.
InsertNameHere
Posts: 15,699
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8/3/2010 3:06:09 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised."

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
tBoonePickens
Posts: 3,266
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8/3/2010 3:08:05 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 8/3/2010 2:56:16 PM, I-am-a-panda wrote:
Proof Americans are blithering idiots:

An Irishman went to the doctor and was asked to give a urine sample. The Irishman asked, "What's a urine sample?" The doctor replied, "Go piss in a bottle." The Irishman retorted, "Go sh!t in yer hat!" And the fight was on!
WOS
: At 10/3/2012 4:28:52 AM, Wallstreetatheist wrote:
: Without nothing existing, you couldn't have something.
I-am-a-panda
Posts: 15,380
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8/3/2010 3:19:02 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 8/3/2010 2:59:09 PM, FREEDO wrote:
At 8/3/2010 2:56:16 PM, I-am-a-panda wrote:
Proof Americans are blithering idiots:

Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version." [http://www.museumofhoaxes.com...]

This couldn't have really happened...

Look at the link. Happened in '98.
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
I-am-a-panda
Posts: 15,380
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8/3/2010 3:20:12 PM
Posted: 6 years ago
At 8/3/2010 3:08:05 PM, tBoonePickens wrote:
At 8/3/2010 2:56:16 PM, I-am-a-panda wrote:
Proof Americans are blithering idiots:

An Irishman went to the doctor and was asked to give a urine sample. The Irishman asked, "What's a urine sample?" The doctor replied, "Go piss in a bottle." The Irishman retorted, "Go sh!t in yer hat!" And the fight was on!

A hypothetical Joke vs. Something that actually happened.
Pizza. I have enormous respect for Pizza.
tBoonePickens
Posts: 3,266
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8/4/2010 6:37:34 AM
Posted: 6 years ago
I know that it happened. I wasn't bothered by the fact that it happened; it doesn't surprise me. What bothered me was this:

At 8/3/2010 3:20:12 PM, I-am-a-panda wrote:
Proof Americans are blithering idiots:

As if the exact SAME reaction wouldn't happen in Ireland or anywhere else in the world. All it proves is that PEOPLE are stupid, which shouldn't be a surprise because it's our default state.
WOS
: At 10/3/2012 4:28:52 AM, Wallstreetatheist wrote:
: Without nothing existing, you couldn't have something.