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Cutbacks On the North Pole

YYW
Posts: 36,303
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12/24/2012 1:44:45 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
NORTH POLE, THE- In an interview today, Santa Claus revealed his newest strategy for adapting to the shifting economic winds in the post-Recession global economy. Beginning in 2008, the North Pole's foreign aid package from contributing nations was dramatically reduced to accommodate the decreased tax revenues in the first world. "We've been running a deficit for the past four years," Cringle confessed "and it's time to reevaluate our budgetary policy."

The problem, however, is that while children don't understand economic recessions or depressions brought on by poor regulatory policies and fiscal incompetence, they do understand a lack of presents under the tree. In an effort to reduce "merry pork-barrel spending" as described by Santa's Chief Financial Officer, the Easter Bunny, "we are increasing 'naughty or nice' oversight with the newest addition to our team: 'The Elf on the Shelf'." The Easter Bunny described the measure as one of "prudent necessity" in a time of "catastrophic budgetary armageddon." This will ensure that only nice children receive gifts, and that naughty children do not.

Essentially, the Elf on the Shelf is a snitch, a narc whose purpose is to observe the behavior of the First World's children and file reports of "naughtiness" with the NPIA, the North Pole Intelligence Agency which salutarily functions as the CIA, NSA and FBI of the North Pole. The files of selected children will be assessed and the requests made in their letters will be answered according to their 'niceness'. Naughty children, additionally, will no longer receive coal. Santa also announced recently that the NPIA, FBI, MI5, Interpol and Scotland Yard have been collaborating to use Facebook activity to further evaluate the degree of naughtiness of the first-world's children. Plans to implement to be announced by Christmas, 2013.

"It was once very important to stuff stockings of naughty children with coal to remind them of the consequences of misbehaving." The Director of The Ministry of Naughtiness Management, North Pole commented. "Now, with coal being an internationally regulated fuel source, paying fossil fuel tariffs and duties, as well as carbon credits has become burdensome." Instead, children will receive packing peanuts -the distribution of which has been subcontracted to local distributors. "Santa," another employee added "will only deliver gifts from now on."
Tsar of DDO
Oryus
Posts: 8,280
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12/24/2012 2:55:55 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
I think we know exactly what is in store for elves on shelves.....

http://autonopedia.org...
: : :Tulle: The fool, I purposely don't engage with you because you don't have proper command of the English language.
: :
: : The Fool: It's my English writing. Either way It's okay have a larger vocabulary then you, and a better grasp of language, and you're a woman.
:
: I'm just going to leave this precious struggle nugget right here.
bossyburrito
Posts: 14,075
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12/24/2012 3:03:00 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 12/24/2012 2:55:55 AM, Oryus wrote:
I think we know exactly what is in store for elves on shelves.....

http://autonopedia.org...

Them falling off bikes and requiring stitching?
#UnbanTheMadman

"Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights..."

~ Rush
bossyburrito
Posts: 14,075
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12/24/2012 3:11:41 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 12/24/2012 2:55:55 AM, Oryus wrote:
I think we know exactly what is in store for elves on shelves.....

http://autonopedia.org...

Is this referencing "cutbacks"? As in cutting backs??
#UnbanTheMadman

"Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights..."

~ Rush
Logic_on_rails
Posts: 2,445
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12/24/2012 3:16:38 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
An absolutely brilliant piece good sir! I have to say that this clearly true empirical evidence disposes of my argument that Santa exists because this is the best of all possible worlds... in the best of all possible worlds Santa doesn't need to collaborate with Scotland Yard.

A good read indeed.
"Tis not in mortals to command success
But we"ll do more, Sempronius, we"ll deserve it
YYW
Posts: 36,303
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12/24/2012 3:25:18 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 12/24/2012 3:16:38 AM, Logic_on_rails wrote:
An absolutely brilliant piece good sir! I have to say that this clearly true empirical evidence disposes of my argument that Santa exists because this is the best of all possible worlds... in the best of all possible worlds Santa doesn't need to collaborate with Scotland Yard.

A good read indeed.

Further reports to proceed later today. Our newspaper has scheduled a one-on-one with Claus himself for this morning. We'll also be interviewing three Elves "On the Shelf" for further details.
Tsar of DDO
Oryus
Posts: 8,280
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12/24/2012 5:09:23 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
At 12/24/2012 3:11:41 AM, bossyburrito wrote:
At 12/24/2012 2:55:55 AM, Oryus wrote:
I think we know exactly what is in store for elves on shelves.....

http://autonopedia.org...

Is this referencing "cutbacks"? As in cutting backs??

Nope.
: : :Tulle: The fool, I purposely don't engage with you because you don't have proper command of the English language.
: :
: : The Fool: It's my English writing. Either way It's okay have a larger vocabulary then you, and a better grasp of language, and you're a woman.
:
: I'm just going to leave this precious struggle nugget right here.