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Cross-gender friendships

Jovian
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4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.
cybertron1998
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4/3/2016 6:36:09 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.

I always hate the statement "that men and women can't be friends." I hate it mostly because it questions my livelihood and social life. Personally some of my best friends are girls, and some of them are relatively attractive. However just because I admit that they are attractive doesn't mean I have feelings for her. Thats one of the most aggravating things, is that we as people cannot refer to one another as attractive without being questioned by our fellow peers if you have an attraction to said person.

The concept of outwardly, and in some cases inwardly beauty has been set by society, to point where you frankly don't need a reason to refer to someone as attractive. Thats besides the point.

So again, most of my really good friends are girls, but I couldn't date any of them, nor do I have the agenda to do so. Some of reasons for that is its just I value their friendship so much, but another is a conflict of beliefs.

Side note on that reason: If you've ever seen that Coexist Bumper sticker, thats basically my ideology for the world. I feel that so much time is wasted by people refuting, arguing, and warring over each other over their various religious beliefs. If the human race as a whole could decide just to accept that there are people on all sides this endless battle, who will not change their beliefs, and accept that there will still be struggles in the future, but they will try to fight past them, our advancement in terms of society, culture, technology, etc, will jumpstart and move much faster than it is now. They're Christian, so they're taking their sworn duty as Christians to convert all others. That conflicts greatly with my belief of coexistence.

But anyways, I couldn't date these girls mainly because they are such good friends. I know they'll be by my side, and they know I'll be by theirs. My actions will not be to gain an advantage in a relationship but just to be a good friend.

So in short, Men and Women can DEFINITELY be friends.
Epsilon: There are so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after. But the hero... never gets to see that ending. They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference. They'll never know if the day was really saved. In the end, they just have to have faith.
Blade-of-Truth
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4/3/2016 7:08:20 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.

I do not believe in friendship between sexually mature heterosexual males and females. What mostly happens is one of the two will have stronger feelings for the other. Sometimes it's eventually revealed and the friendship is either over or evolves into a romantic partnership. Whatever the case, the dynamic is never the same once one reveals stronger feelings.

In regards to children, I think it's different mostly due to them not having developed their own sex drive yet. Once puberty hits, see above.

Personally, the only times I've been able to genuinely be friends with a person of the opposite sex is when I have no physical attraction to them whatsoever.
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Quadrunner
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4/3/2016 7:29:50 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.

I've had friend girls my whole adultish life. Some of them asked me out, and though I don't know if they ever took the rejection, we are still friends, most of them anyway. Some of them never asked me out, and while I have no idea why anyone is friends with me, they are still my friends. 1 of them, somehow won me over once, and one time only.

All the other girls in my life I asked out, and sooner or later crashed and burned, except my current girlfriend, bless her heart.

My best friend is a girl I've never wanted to date. If things, change and it feels weird saying this, then bummer, I'd be dating my best friend, but while we've got the connection, the coinciding values, and the history down, the attraction just isn't there. She's pretty, nice, sweet, funny, and I love her, but I just don't like her like that. There is no spark to light the fire. OOOOOHHHHH FRIENDZONED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its not like we couldn't date. We've practically lived together before, but both parties have to be at the same place in their life at the same time for something more to happen. Until that happens, yes, a man and a woman can just be friends, especially if they are bros.
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Maikuru
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4/3/2016 7:39:44 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
It is obviously possible to have opposite sex friendships, or more generally, friendships with individuals of your sexually-preferred gender. I've had and currently have numerous friendships with women with no issues, and I see them all the time. It is naive to think that two functioning adults will inevitably have a sexual attraction between them, or even that we are so ruled by blind sexual impulses that platonic friendships are not possible. I stopped believing that when I was in high school and no longer controlled by my hormones lol
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MattTheDreamer
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4/3/2016 8:40:35 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
Of course, as with all relationships with the gender you are attracted to, there may be a chance you end up attracted to your friend. But that doesn't mean a platonic friendship is impossible. I know too many people who have Cross-gender friendships for me to say that it cannot happen.
Vox_Veritas
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4/3/2016 9:41:39 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
Sure you can. However, to maintain such a friendship you have to choose not to think about them a certain way.
In movies and on TV all male-female inseparable friendships eventually turn into romance. This is disappointing, because I feel there is a certain kind of beauty in a close male-female friendship that never turns romantic/sexual.
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Blade-of-Truth
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4/4/2016 7:24:06 AM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 4/3/2016 7:39:44 PM, Maikuru wrote:
It is obviously possible to have opposite sex friendships, or more generally, friendships with individuals of your sexually-preferred gender. I've had and currently have numerous friendships with women with no issues, and I see them all the time. It is naive to think that two functioning adults will inevitably have a sexual attraction between them, or even that we are so ruled by blind sexual impulses that platonic friendships are not possible. I stopped believing that when I was in high school and no longer controlled by my hormones lol

So you are friends with women you are physically attracted to?

Tell me, how does that work?
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Vaarka
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4/4/2016 2:46:43 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 4/3/2016 6:36:09 PM, cybertron1998 wrote:
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.

I always hate the statement "that men and women can't be friends." I hate it mostly because it questions my livelihood and social life. Personally some of my best friends are girls, and some of them are relatively attractive. However just because I admit that they are attractive doesn't mean I have feelings for her. Thats one of the most aggravating things, is that we as people cannot refer to one another as attractive without being questioned by our fellow peers if you have an attraction to said person.

There are a lot of girls I know that I think are pretty, or attractive, or whatever. However, save for one girl, I can't see myself being attracted in a romantic way to any of them. I think they're pretty and whatnot, but I can only see myself being in an actual relationship with one person.

So yeah, men and women can easily be friends if you ask me XD
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Maikuru
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4/4/2016 3:04:40 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 4/4/2016 7:24:06 AM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 4/3/2016 7:39:44 PM, Maikuru wrote:
It is obviously possible to have opposite sex friendships, or more generally, friendships with individuals of your sexually-preferred gender. I've had and currently have numerous friendships with women with no issues, and I see them all the time. It is naive to think that two functioning adults will inevitably have a sexual attraction between them, or even that we are so ruled by blind sexual impulses that platonic friendships are not possible. I stopped believing that when I was in high school and no longer controlled by my hormones lol

So you are friends with women you are physically attracted to?

Tell me, how does that work?

I can be attracted to someone and not pursue them or treat them differently than I would a friend I am not attracted to. Being physically attracted to someone doesn't necessarily mean I want to be in intimate or in a relationship with them, because those things involve more than just physical attraction. If I don't want to pursue things with someone for whatever reason, maintaining a friendship isn't an issue.
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Jovian
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4/4/2016 4:50:47 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 4/3/2016 9:41:39 PM, Vox_Veritas wrote:
Sure you can. However, to maintain such a friendship you have to choose not to think about them a certain way.
In movies and on TV all male-female inseparable friendships eventually turn into romance. This is disappointing, because I feel there is a certain kind of beauty in a close male-female friendship that never turns romantic/sexual.

This indoctrination could be one of the hindrances to such friendships. That one and also my example of when a parent assumes his child is being friend with an opposite gendered because there is love involved. Naturally this could make them think "Wait, since I never hear that when I'm with a same gendered, this must mean something?" and same thing will go when they are older and watch movies about cross gendered friends whose platonic friendship evolved to something else. It I very disappointing, yes.
Jovian
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4/4/2016 4:57:58 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 4/4/2016 2:46:43 PM, Vaarka wrote:
At 4/3/2016 6:36:09 PM, cybertron1998 wrote:
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.

I always hate the statement "that men and women can't be friends." I hate it mostly because it questions my livelihood and social life. Personally some of my best friends are girls, and some of them are relatively attractive. However just because I admit that they are attractive doesn't mean I have feelings for her. Thats one of the most aggravating things, is that we as people cannot refer to one another as attractive without being questioned by our fellow peers if you have an attraction to said person.

There are a lot of girls I know that I think are pretty, or attractive, or whatever. However, save for one girl, I can't see myself being attracted in a romantic way to any of them. I think they're pretty and whatnot, but I can only see myself being in an actual relationship with one person.

So yeah, men and women can easily be friends if you ask me XD

Thinking someone is pretty doesn't need to follow with a wish for spending ones life amorously with that person. If this was true, people would do incestuous relationships to a very wide extent, since it's possible to believe a family member looks good.

Generally, when I enter a regular friendship with a girl, all thoughts about being more than friends become alien and even disgusting, no matter how pretty said girls could be. So either men and women can be friends after all, or I must have bumped my head into the edge of the sandbox as young, allowing my thinking to happen.
cybertron1998
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4/4/2016 8:35:31 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 4/4/2016 4:57:58 PM, Jovian wrote:
At 4/4/2016 2:46:43 PM, Vaarka wrote:
At 4/3/2016 6:36:09 PM, cybertron1998 wrote:
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.

I always hate the statement "that men and women can't be friends." I hate it mostly because it questions my livelihood and social life. Personally some of my best friends are girls, and some of them are relatively attractive. However just because I admit that they are attractive doesn't mean I have feelings for her. Thats one of the most aggravating things, is that we as people cannot refer to one another as attractive without being questioned by our fellow peers if you have an attraction to said person.

There are a lot of girls I know that I think are pretty, or attractive, or whatever. However, save for one girl, I can't see myself being attracted in a romantic way to any of them. I think they're pretty and whatnot, but I can only see myself being in an actual relationship with one person.

So yeah, men and women can easily be friends if you ask me XD

Thinking someone is pretty doesn't need to follow with a wish for spending ones life amorously with that person. If this was true, people would do incestuous relationships to a very wide extent, since it's possible to believe a family member looks good.

Generally, when I enter a regular friendship with a girl, all thoughts about being more than friends become alien and even disgusting, no matter how pretty said girls could be. So either men and women can be friends after all, or I must have bumped my head into the edge of the sandbox as young, allowing my thinking to happen.

I'm not sure if you're disagreeing with both me an Vaarka or not. But If you are, me and him said exactly what you just said, that we can admit that a girl is attractive but not become attracted to them or have romantic intentions in mind.
Epsilon: There are so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after. But the hero... never gets to see that ending. They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference. They'll never know if the day was really saved. In the end, they just have to have faith.
howsoonisnow
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4/28/2016 5:15:42 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/3/2016 7:08:20 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.

I do not believe in friendship between sexually mature heterosexual males and females. What mostly happens is one of the two will have stronger feelings for the other. Sometimes it's eventually revealed and the friendship is either over or evolves into a romantic partnership. Whatever the case, the dynamic is never the same once one reveals stronger feelings.

In regards to children, I think it's different mostly due to them not having developed their own sex drive yet. Once puberty hits, see above.

Personally, the only times I've been able to genuinely be friends with a person of the opposite sex is when I have no physical attraction to them whatsoever.

Sexual drive doesn't always affect someones friendships. Should a gay person not have friendships with people of the same gender who are also gay/bi? Personally I have plenty of friendships with gay girls and straight guys(being bi myself) and feelings have never gotten in they way, I've had many crushes on my friends and we're still friends. So the arugement that having friends of the other gender will not work because of sexual or romantic feelings is not fully valid. It's not like every person you come across that is the other gender as you you will have physical attraction to, even if you do you can still have a friendship without feelings getting in the way.
Blade-of-Truth
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4/28/2016 5:40:40 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/28/2016 5:15:42 PM, howsoonisnow wrote:
At 4/3/2016 7:08:20 PM, Blade-of-Truth wrote:
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.

I do not believe in friendship between sexually mature heterosexual males and females. What mostly happens is one of the two will have stronger feelings for the other. Sometimes it's eventually revealed and the friendship is either over or evolves into a romantic partnership. Whatever the case, the dynamic is never the same once one reveals stronger feelings.

In regards to children, I think it's different mostly due to them not having developed their own sex drive yet. Once puberty hits, see above.

Personally, the only times I've been able to genuinely be friends with a person of the opposite sex is when I have no physical attraction to them whatsoever.

Sexual drive doesn't always affect someones friendships.

In my response I said *mostly*, not always.

Should a gay person not have friendships with people of the same gender who are also gay/bi?

Idk, my comment was solely covering heterosexual males and females.

Personally I have plenty of friendships with gay girls and straight guys(being bi myself) and feelings have never gotten in they way, I've had many crushes on my friends and we're still friends.

Have you ever revealed your stronger-than-friends feelings to these people? Would you actually be friends with them if you never had a crush on them in the first place? Did you develop the crush before or after you became friends?

So the arugement that having friends of the other gender will not work because of sexual or romantic feelings is not fully valid. It's not like every person you come across that is the other gender as you you will have physical attraction to, even if you do you can still have a friendship without feelings getting in the way.

It's impossible for feelings *not* to get in the way, since you're experiencing those feelings in the first place. If anything, the choice is whether we *act* on those feelings or not and I'm guessing you never have, otherwise the friendship dynamic would have changed.

So, to be clear, I never said they couldn't work, I merely said that I don't believe they can in most cases once someone experiences and acts on those stronger feelings.
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Carolean_Karl
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4/28/2016 6:03:04 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.

I do have female friends, but they're all co-workers that I talk with at work or when we bump into each other outside of work, I've never invited them to hang out or anything. I think it's possible for men and women to be friends, but I think that it's easier for a women to be friends with guys if she's a bit of a tomboy and vice versa.

I think the main thing that keeps men and women from being friends is different interests or perceived different interests. This may be why it's easier for tomboys to become friends with guys - the guys think that because a tomboy isn't a 'lady' she may have some things in common with them, more than the average woman.
Diqiucun_Cunmin
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4/28/2016 6:38:25 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.
You have to consider that, in the past, interactions with people of the opposite sex outside your extended family was very rare. Girls rarely had a chance to leave the house, schools were only for boys, etc. These were not fertile soils for platonic relationships between men and women to develop.
How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.
Meh, here it's OK and I'm fine with it too. I'm pretty much liberal on this issue. I don't know if many adults ask their children if the relationship is amorous. My parents certainly have never suspected that. I do think that some parents do, and will do whatever they can to prevent the child from having close friends of the opposite sex, but I'm not sure if this is mainstream.
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Danimal4NU
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5/3/2016 7:25:06 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
When you are single it's not too difficult. The trick is maintaining the friendships when you are attached. The old green-headed monster gets involved.
Jovian
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5/3/2016 9:52:48 PM
Posted: 7 months ago
At 4/28/2016 6:38:25 PM, Diqiucun_Cunmin wrote:
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.
You have to consider that, in the past, interactions with people of the opposite sex outside your extended family was very rare. Girls rarely had a chance to leave the house, schools were only for boys, etc. These were not fertile soils for platonic relationships between men and women to develop.
How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.
Meh, here it's OK and I'm fine with it too. I'm pretty much liberal on this issue. I don't know if many adults ask their children if the relationship is amorous. My parents certainly have never suspected that. I do think that some parents do, and will do whatever they can to prevent the child from having close friends of the opposite sex, but I'm not sure if this is mainstream.

Ah. The reason I brought up the parents asking aspect although was not of what you said. I was implying that the thing of parents assuming their children to be dating with their cross-gender friends, but never their same-gender friends, would make the children believe "Hmm. Boy + Girl = Always amorous", especially the youngest children. The parents asking this are mostly doing it in a happy manner.

I was never asked that by my parents when I befriended girls as young. However there are always mentalities like that in the school years.

Boy 1: I saw you with her before, you love her.
Boy 2: I am with you now and you don't assume me to love you?
Boy 1: But...she's a girl. Big difference.
creamycreamy
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5/11/2016 12:15:06 AM
Posted: 7 months ago
Personally, I have few friends that are girls but they have been of a different race and so I guess that barrier meant that a romantic relationship could never develop and so i have a male like relationship with them. Personally as a guy i find it easier to talk to girls then guys not sure why. When i think about the global gender distribution at 1:1 there is no escaping interaction and friendships with the opposite gender. Furthermore, I need interactions with females as they have a different energy and attitude to males and so certain interests that I have are more common to females. But sometimes and there has happened atleast once i started developing closer romantic feelings with a females friend just because they became more attractive over time. There were certain quirks and characteristics that drew me towards her and she was a completely different person to who would normally go for. She was a different race and had a different lifestyle and in any world I could not see any relationship between us but I was insanely attracted to her. So , yes their is undoubted truth that feelings can grow overtime with female friends but you cannot not live a life with them. If you are afraid of this, then by all means have no opposite gender friends but you re sacrificing a friendship with half of the worlds population and personalities and lives that are invaluable to have around. From my point of view the peaks definitely exceeds the perks.
Axonly
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5/17/2016 11:05:30 PM
Posted: 6 months ago
At 4/3/2016 4:43:26 PM, Jovian wrote:
This sociological topic interests me somehow. From how I've understood it, platonic friendships between men and women have in a wide aspect not even been a thing in human history until quite recently. But why, really? It's not like you are attracted to every single member of your opposite gender when you're heterosexual.

How is it where you live? Do you think men and women could be just friends, while both being hetero or bisexual? Is something cultural preventing such friendships to an extent? I mean, many adults who see their children have such friendships ask them happily if there is love involved. This could make children believe such friendships only could be of an amorous kind.

The vast majority of my friends are female, it amazes me that such a thing wasn't possible a century ago.
Meh!
Burner
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5/19/2016 12:27:07 AM
Posted: 6 months ago
In my experience, it's not that men and women can't be friends so much as a situation will inevitably arise that will test the friendship at some point. That could be awkward flirtation, unreciprocated feelings, unwarranted jealousy, confusing interpretation of the other's actions, etc. At some point, if I have a female friend I will probably come on to them when I'm feeling confident (drunk). Rather than look like or be a jerk, I have recently avoided having female friends. In college and grad school I had a lot but not so much as an "adult." I've found that the women you date as grown ups don't appreciate it much either.