I believe that adult children should take care of their elderly parents as necessary. Parents provide for the care of their children; this should be a reciprocal relationship when the child grows to adulthood. At the very least, an adult should fund the care of their elderly parent if the parent is unable to do so.
I couldn't live with my self if I didn't take care of my mother. She took care of me & I am doing the same for her. I am all she's got & she deserves the best care possible. The best care possible can only come from a loved one. Yes I have a sister that obviously doesn't feel the same as me. It really hurts me that she doesn't care enough about me or her mother to pitch in & give me a well deserved break. I don't understand her at all.
Your parents cared for you when you were completely helpless and in need. It is only fitting that their adult children should make sure that their parents have what they need in their old age. In many societies there are no governmental programs to care for the elderly and in those societies children care for the elderly. In our society unfunded liabilities from programs like medicare, medicaid, and social security are crushing our government under debt. They would be much less of a problem if adult children would be willing to carry more of the financial burden in caring for their elderly parents needs. Furthermore, most people whether they believe in God or not will admit that they should honor their mother and father. Caring for the needs of your elderly parents is the bare minimum adult children could do to honor their parents. It appears to me that many people in our society care more about having a big house and big screen TV or an RV and jetskis than they care about their elderly parents needs.
They gave me a life and looked after me and helped me to grow up, they do anything for me and to be there for me when I need them, make sure to provide me a roof, protect me if anything bad happens to me. They give me love to live. Without them, I would not be here. I would look after them after what they have done for me. Same goes with family dog, when our family dog was getting old, we look after our family elderly dog after she has been guard us all her life, do you think we should dump her at the shelter? We receive more respect when we live together than lonely elderly parents live, they receive less respect and become target for break ins, robbery, etc. It is full of blessings to take care of our elderly parents.
If it wasn't for your parents you wouldn't be alive! Thank them for being alive and giving you a life by helping them! Some people in this world have no heart. My mom has COPD and problems breathing, and I've been helping her for a good ten years now with no regrets. I'm only 33.
Our parents, or parent figures, have been with us every step of the way. It was not easy for them in fact it was hard. Imagine all the trouble we gave them starting with our none stop crying in infancy, at the age of two when we tore up the library books, at the age of six where we annoyed the baby sitter to the point of angry tears, at the age of thirteen when you broke your brothers fingers in the van door while playing hide and seek, those stupid moments were you get frustrated and your parents back you up. Parents start out as caregivers but later become friends. Soon in their old age they need a companion someone who will look at the world in their point of view, relax, sit, and listen. Some to love and know will be with you to the end. We owe it to the ones who gave us life and helped us flourish into the people we are now today.
Some elderly people are afraid of nursing homes, It would make them feel more loved if they stay at your house as long as you have the room. Its a kind and loving thing to do and all people want respect, but if you cant do it you cant change that. Anyway what would you want if you were in this position?
I believe grown children should be there for their elderly parents. I don't mean financially if they can't afford it. But they should go visit them regularily and they should see they get good medical care. They should show them love and respect. They definitely should do things to add quality to the their elderly parents lives. Old people want to see their kids. They want to know their kids will protect them from abuse in nursing homes and elsewhere. They should take their parents out to dinner if they are able to go and to visit their homes. They should be kept in the family loop ever if they are old.
Parents are morally and legally obligated to care for their children when they are young. They provide shelter, food, clothes, etc. It is therefore only fair that when those children grow up and their parents become elderly, they take up some responsibility to provide a decent life for their parents. While it is not a legal obligation, it is a moral obligation.
Think about this! if your parents hadn't looked after you in the first place where would you be right now? Would you even be in a position to continue your life? No, I didn't think so. And who do u have to thank for this? Your parents. So do the moral thing and look after them and take care over. Your parents should be like God to you. They are the most precious things in your life. Without them there is no you. Simple as.
Today Our Parents have become old and depending on us. It doesn't mean that we should feel burden about them.
One should not forget that "today we are at this stage is just because of their blood and sweat and efforts and blessings."
Tomorrow we will attain age of our Old Parents but they cannot come back to our Age.
Hence to all my friends of our young generation to take care of our parents with huge amount of love and affection at their old age time.
Adults must be responsible towards taking care of their elderly parents. It is mutual love and affection that is required. There are expectations from children and parents grow their dreams in them. Sometimes they even kill their own desires to make their children succeed. It is definitely responsibility of children to return the affection, when they are grown themselves. It is nature and mankind that needs to be kept in mind.
When in childhood, parent's take care of their children until majority, and even a little longer in some cases, providing food, home, safety and money. So when they come to an older age, is definitely their obligation to take care of their parents, providing all needs for them, not only material needs, but also affection needs.
The golden rule, it is the hardest thing to be a good example, but I hope my children will treat me like I treat my mother. I have invited my mom to live in my basement and she loves being close to family but also in charge of her own space.
Unfortunately, when one decides to take on the responsibility of caring for the elderly parent(s) the other siblings take a hike. I have a brother who is worth millions and has no family of his own (is still single at 63) and doesn't contribute. He could put mom in a good facility, like a nice small group home setting, or pay for a nurse 24/7 and assisted living or apartment for her. Instead, he shifted the entire burden onto myself and my husband. We have been the sole caregivers for nearly five years and it is definitely taking a toll on our lives. We used to have active lives, taking vacations, hiking in the mountains, rollerblading, etc., but no more. Mom takes all of my time and energy now and I should be enjoying my own retirement. It's time for my selfish brother to step up to the plate now that mom is so hard for me to take care of (she's 88 and has severe Alzheimer's, suffered a fractured hip and a stroke). It's not fair if you have sibling ho don't share the load, especially when they are more than capable of doing so financially and otherwise. On the flip side, my husband's parents are being cared for in their home by their children, who take turns preparing meals and taking them to the doctor, etc. There are 14 children and most of them still live in state. The ones who don't live here still chip in financially as well they should.
Species survival... Just like we care for our children when they are unable to care for themselves.
Your parent(s) have earned respect (hopefully). They would never let you suffer or see you go without. If they are unable to live comfortably when they are unable to continue to take care of their own needs, it's a family's responsibility to do so.
If it goes down to financially supporting, I say that adults should be responsible for their elderly parent's care. Obviously, at senior age, people are to retire and if help is needed, financially for health, their adult children must oblige. It would be unfair to the parents if their children were to simply not take part of the money needed for their health.
No matter what age, the parents will always be humans and always parents. The children must also take part in responsibility for their family. The answer is yes, adults should be responsible for their elderly parent's care FINANCIALLY.
Plus, if there is an emotional sickness or disorder or the parents happen to be lonely, the adult daughter or son MUST take care of them ignoring whatever happened before, or whatever excuse there is for why someone would not take responsibility for their parents.
Taking care of a parent does not mean that they have to live with you. In my case my father-in-law does live with us as a result of a heart attack. He is active and for the most part is able to take care of himself. We make sure he eats and takes his meds. So my question to those who don't think you should take care of a parent is: How would you have felt it they hadn't taken care of you as a child? If they had disowned you as though you were a "nobody"? You are missing the blessing of a lifetime. I didn't say it was easy but I know this is the right thing to do for our family.
In our society, the elderly have become throw-a-way people. They are people who worked their entire lives to support their families. We owe them so much. It is a privilege to care for our elderly parents. It is exhausting and often inconvenient, but it is our duty. Our parents become vulnerable and dependent, and we should be there for them.
My sis has 5 kids she is now a stroke victim.I am her brother. She put them thru school as all nurses. After her stroke they all flew the coup. Left her house and never looked back. Forgot to mention when sis was making $75 an hour they was like 30 to 38 and married staying at her house partying while she drove 90 miles one way to work.
Now they wont help what so ever nor will they even visit. Leaving the oldest to care for her. I do what i can but i am disable also. Is this right?
They need our help and support not betray and hatred. We should be kind to me and be polite to them not beat them and thrash them. Because they were the ones who believed and supported you once a time ago. We should give them love and take care of them because when we use to get a slight cut our parents are the ones who worried a lot and if we do not feed them in their old age it would be a shame of us. And surely later when we get old our children would also threat like the same with us which we would do now when our parents are old. Our old, disabled parents only our love and concern and nothing else.
Because they also need our LOVE and CARE, in spite of all their imperfections and mistakes (for no one is perfect) they need us more than ever before, for there some things they can't do for themselves anymore and they also need companion and affirmation with their remaining days that only you and I as their children and grand children could give. Love them while they still with you... We Love because God love us first
They gave us life and took care of us when we could not care for ourselves. We should take care of them when they get to the age when they need someone to care for them. That's the lease we can do. We as Americans believe everything old should be discarded, and we treat our seniors the same way.
All of our lives, they supported, helped and loved us. It is completely normal that in times of need, they expect us to be there for them. We owe it to ourselves to take responsibility for them. They brought us up giving all that they can so as we can have a great life. We are the result of their hard work.
Furthermore, what would you expect your child to do? The answer seems pretty obvious now, doesn't it.
Respect them, love them, be there for them. It is our turn now...
I think its common value of human kind to take care of their elderly and children. This value has no. 1 priority. No one want to die in an nursing home. Excuses such as professional medical care are just a cover for your guilty feeling. Indeed, life is hard, but not that hard as lying.
Many times it depends how good/nice your parents have been. Some deserve a gold medal and consequently their kids are really thankful and help them gladly when they're seniors.
As we see in this poll, on the contrary, the bad parents don't have thankful kids so they get what they deserve.
Life is fair and in great measurements is such a boomerang.
My mom gave me so much: effort, love , understanding, support and with such a loving mom who won't feel happy to give the some of that in return. It just happens naturally.
It is also our responsibility to look after aged parents. The parent accept it as their duty to take care of their adult when they are young. So, I think it is a obligation to give it back . And what happens to the aged parents if nobody helps? They must go lives in a nursing home. In my opinion the quality of living is not good in nursing homes. They would not be happy. What kind of adult is it which thinks it is right that his parents are unhappy in their old age. I would says it is very important to help their parents and all adult should accept it as their duty to take care of their parent.
Give back to those who gave you- "you", they are your parents you are a product of their sacrifice.Remember your mom when she had to quit med school to take care of you? Your parents hard work is the reason of your success, always remember and take care of them.
It also depends on the elderly parents philosophy on life. Until my dad died at 90 to him his duty was to be a good husband to my mother first and foremost which he did. He advised me not to waste the rest of my life and get out and about. In practise though I could not leave my mother in the lurch and I find that I try to replace my father doing the things that he would have done for her. So I suppose I am being responsible for him too although he is gone in a strange way. The thing is I am an only child anyway so the responsibility would naturally be mine as there is no one to argue with about who will do what which I am thankful for.
As they were responsible to take care us in the childhood, we should undertake looking after them in old ages. What if we ourselves get old and need our children's help and attention? Then, you will undoubtedly answer "yes" to this question. They devoted their lives to bringing up us, thus they deserve our responsibility for their care.
We are on the earth due to our parents. They provide us due care in childhood. They care for our education and health. They give us emotional support and love. So we should return it when they need love and care the most. They did not put us in a child care center when we were young so why do we not keep them with us also?
If it wasnt for the parents we would not be here. I was raised to take care of the elderly no matter who it is. Me and my two siblings take care of our dad everyday of the week because he is legally blind and has end stage renal failure which requires dialysis three times a week. I look at it as a repayment for him taking care of us and we would not have it any other way.
When we honor and care for our parents, we are serving God as well. The Bible says, “The church should care for any widow who has no one else to care for her. But if she has children or grandchildren, their first responsibility is to show godliness at home and repay their parents by taking care of them. This is something that pleases God very much....But those who won't care for their own relatives, especially those living in the same household, have denied what we believe. Such people are worse than unbelievers” (1 Timothy 5:3-4, 8).
Because they made/make us what we are today/ what we will be tomorrow and we are dependent on them till untill and unless we stand on our legs and why shouldnt they being dependent on us at their old age where they need a support and even they behave like a small kid. Someone said the rightly said child age is equal to old age.
They have been looking after us and it is our duty to look after them. Most of the parents wants their child to be perfect so they are strict but they are always for us only. They are the life . Without them we are nothing on earth and leaving them in old age homes means that we are discriminating them. Basically they don't like to go there so old is gold. Please save your elders so that you save yourself. If u become old and your children leave you in the old age homes then you will be knowing the pain of your parents so don't struggle and don't make your parents struggle.
Well in my point of view yes we should take care of our parents or grandparents becaz they took time out to mind us while we were babies or we couldn't walk..So at least we should take care of them but if you don't have a heart as some people you will not even mine... And please if they get some money from other people we should mine.. Or if we don't have enough that's no excuse.. As ones we were small and our parents had some money problem they didn't make use stay with out eating they still find out a way to keep us full.... So people take care of your elderly parents
There is nothing worse than hearing that kids of older adults are not caring for their parent when they need them the most. I always drove my mother to her appointment, i made sure she was getting the care she needed. I made a stance when I thought she was not suppose to be on certain meds that were making her loopy. I could not sit there knowing my mother was struggling.. How could you?
I don't think It's fair to leave your parents without any kind of care. Your parents even If they didn't take care of you very well they are the the main reason for your existence in this life. Also, they bear your stupid mistakes when you was child, and they spend part from their life to raise you. So I think it's very important to show our parents that we are caring about them because they cared about us when we were child. Finally, don't forget that as you do for your parents your children will do for you.
I'm not a person that has had a rosy relationship with my parents my whole life like others but if and when I have the financial means to take care of my parents, even before old age, I will do it! I couldn't fathom being a successful individual and not having my parents taken care of. I may not have had the best parents but they did their best with what they knew. And I am grateful. I made a promise to myself and God that when I become a millionaire, I will retire them both and make up for all the wrong I've done by them.
I say Yes whether you agree with me or not. I just can't believe there is so much hatred toward parents. Sure, there are irresponsible parents but how could you judge if you weren't in their shoe? Before you judge someone, make sure you've walked a mile in path. Most of parents are responsible. I am sorry if your parents were good to you. But, be a bigger person and forgive them in their old age. If you don't, two wrongs don't make it right! And then wish that you wouldn't have any children. Otherwise, your children wouldn't have any respect for you, for treating badly toward their grandparents.
We are fascinated with youth and like to surround ourselves with what makes us feel good. Of course we want to spend time with our kids and grandkids, but did our parents not do this too? Some Grandparents went beyond the odd visit. Some gave up a retirement to assist with child raising. Those children are now parents and Grandma is just a happy memory. However, she/he, is suffering from neglect. Get in there and stop finding excuses. Be involved. They never hesitated.
They have treated and care for us since we were born into this world, then why not we do the rest when we are fit and they have retired. It is not about being fair or no time, is the appreciation and value of love and what they did for us.
We don't choose the family we;re born into. Morally,I feel obligated to care for a parent the best I can. I had a physically/verbally father. I was blessed with a good,Godly,mother who taught me respect. I didn't like the abuse I took from my dad,but respected he helped bring me into this world thanks to my mother. Perhaps I may not have been as determined to prove I was a better person than he tried to make me believe I was ( and did) had it not been for him. At the end I was there the best I was able. My mother lived to 94. I always was there for her. It was a privilege to care for her as she did me as a child. No regrets this side of the grave other than I didn't try harder to do more. No martyr. Just make me I pray a better person than I may have been. RESPECT for others,and myself.
Who was there to take care of you when you were just a baby? Your parents. They also payed for your food, clothing, a house to live in, school supplies, going to school and etc. They did so much for you; don't you think you should give back and support your own parents who loved you so much?
I think it is a great chance for us to pay their sacrifice. We can see this world for our parents. They put their whole effort for our better future. My mother took care when I was sick at whole night.My father who does really hard work for fulfill my all wishes. Sometimes they do not take any dress, they do not buy any expensive stuff for themselves but they tried to get it for me. I'm agree with this statement. Adult should take care their parent at elderly.
If we as children don't who will,there is no love and security for our elderly than of family.We owe it to them to care and love them until there last breath on earth,putting them in a home will let them die before time there no love to a elderly person then that is is family,no matter what the situation was when growing just remember they give us life.Our mothers,fathers,grand mother they all are an replaceable when they die so let us take the best care we can God bless
They are your parents. Taking care of them is the only appropriate response. People need care when they are old & need people to show them love too. They sacrificed so much for you & love you. Wouldn't you want your own children to take care of you in the future too?
Of course it won't work for everyone, some will not be able to do everything for some parents physically, or mentally. Sometimes you need specialist care. Plus some parents may have unforgivably abused or mistreated their children. However in most circumstances of course the parent should be cared for - and who by - their partner and children of course. No question, it's a responsibility.
Honestly, for the most part it comes down to choice. Me personally, I will be helping my parents as best I can once they get to a point where they need assistance. I already got to experience the whole elderly care scene with our grandmother for the last 2 years. And frankly I would do it again for my own parents. As much as they have done their best to help me when I needed it, I feel that they deserve to have it reciprocated.
And for all of you saying NO... You may not have any say in it. There are 30 states in which laws are in effect that mandate that children are financially responsible for their elderly parents: http://graphics8.Nytimes.Com/packages/pdf/health/NOA/30states.Pdf, so it's actually up to the government anyhow.
Because of them we are alive in the world with lots of comforts. If they have done there jobs without any no then why we cannot atleast spend and take care of them at least five to six hours. Our elderly parent's are our responsibility so we should do it nicely.
I would hardly call it an obligation, but more something you would want to do for the people that brought you into this world, raised you, cared for you, gave you life. If they were terrible parents then so be it & do whatever you feel comfortable with. But if you had wonderful, or pretty good parents then I would say helping them when they need it would be a privilege and far from an obligation. If your friend was in need, wouldn't you help? How are your parents any different, if not more important.
Adults should be conscious about their aging parents. We must know what our parents’ wants and needs because they had been with us during our growing years, supporting us with our every plans and decisions. So it is now our turn to return the favor. Make them feel loved and special, these are at least the best thing we could do to make them strong and want to live a longer life. I was saddened by the fact that the CHILDREN (ADULTS) abandoned their parents for the reason that they are TOO busy with their careers, not even thinking of having time to visit their parents. Instead of letting their parents stay or live in their house, they push them away. They choose to take them to care center..
Yes because they looked after us when we were growing up and in return, it's our obligation to look after them when they get old. This is our way of thanking them for all their efforts and love and it is just natural that we love them back when they get old.
We would want to be taken care of when we are old, isn't family always there for us, or is that just a mere saying? This shouldnt even be a topic worth thinking about, its our duty, something we want to do! Just imagine yourselves in the elderly's place !
For many years elderly were take responsibility to look after the members of family when they were little. There are no place are comfortable to live as live with family. So when we are as a younger far away at home we feel very sad and harry to return bag to home same felling for the elders. There is one day that we be elder, do we like our family do not look after us?
My parents have taken care of me well into my adulthood so I would be more than willing to help them in their time of need as long as I have the resources to do so. They made an investment in me so I'm hoping that I will be able to make a return but if I find that ten to twenty years from now I only have enough money to take care of my own finances then that is what I will do.
Elderly people are happier living with their families. Isn't their happiness important? Of course not, in Western society - you matter only if you make money. But think of how you would feel if your family abandoned you when you got old. Plus, elderly people offer us important things - arguably the most important things - like knowledge, wisdom and love. We'd benefit by keeping them with us, and so would they.
Apparently they can. Family is anyone under 70 who doesn't need us. Seeing the statistics and comments in this category dashed some hopes for the future of compassion in this country. I learned it as a kid because my great grandmother lived with us. I watched her grow old, get sick and die. I was alone with her when she fell. She soiled herself and had blood coming out of her mouth. I called for help - but meanwhile I changed her, bathed her, put her in a nightie and tucked her into bed. I was forever changed that day. Her passage from life to fragility to death made me a more empathic, caring person.
If you're raising kids by the seat of your bank account, don't be surprised when they dash your sorry ... Off into a nursing home before your time.
Apparently "family" is anyone under 70. When parents get old or sick, pack them off to a nursing home and fugget about it. We are the most self-centered people on the planet. I remember growing up with my great grandmother IN THE HOME. Seeing her age made me a more caring person. No wonder so many kids have zero to little empathy for others.
They raised us since birth, why shouldn't we take care of them? They helped us, did things they didn't want to, spent countless amounts of dollars on us and molded us into the fine people we are today. If we don't take care of them, then we may as well be saying we don't love them and are ungrateful for everything they've done for us.
If not because of our parents. We are not belong to here right now. Our parents is the one who take care of us since we were born and until now. We should give back to parents for all of their sacrifice to us. If our parents can take care of us why cant we take care of them?
I am now 63 years 'young' (LOL) and took care of grandma when our children were young and dad and mom and now mom in law. It is hard, and not really always very rewarding at the time. Sometimes you are treated terrible and often not even shown respect or love. I took care of my children and husband and have been married now 45 years, but now my sons are grown and now no one wants to be there for us. The daughter in laws are behind it, as they would rather take care of their parents and our sons are going along. Are we crushed and angry? Of course! It is great to see some of the young people here still have some love and respect left in them. I was thinking how selfish this generation had become, and why I have no idea? Some of you on here have really made me very proud to see the love you have for older people. BTW I also worked in hospitals and nursing homes all my life! Only out of "love" can you handle it. Knowing one day " It will be you wanting someone to love you too like you have loved and taken care of them"
It's simple! They took care of you selflessly when you were young and stupid and now it's time that you gave that back in return w/o being selfish. What goes around comes around. I can't believe how some people are so selfish and only takes care of themselves or their own family but forget that your parents brought you into this life.
In my point of view, people should not sent their parents to the old folks home . They needed to be care since they are aging and might need special medical attention. Our parents would prefer to live with their own families instead of with strangers. It makes them lonely and sad. How could you make your parents sad? Can you imagine, one day, your child sent you to the old folk's home? Do you like it? Do you love it? Our parents don't really know people there.. They will feel uncomfortable. It's our responsibility because parents take care of us since we are little. In our childhood, our parents didn't sent us to the orphanage. I mean, is that how you pay up?
As you would care for your old, enfeebled animals, so should you care for your parents and steparents. It is the only human, compassionate thing to do and you would hope that, in the future, some caring individual would take care of you.
And this is all I have to say.....
Adults in their busy and modern life forget there common value to take care of there parents. It is our responsibility .It may be there mistake that's why our attitude has changed towards them but remember they forgive us for our every mistake, so we shoud also give them a chance to correct it simply throwing them out of the home disrespecting them or making them alone is not an solution or a kind of revenge you are giving them.. So respect them and there values love them... As they gave s this wonderful life
The reason i say that is because the children now more than the goverment does that is why i say why the adult children should take care of there parents
cause the goverment does not no any thing of the elderly parents that is why i say that the children should take care of them
I'm in a difficult situation where, in addition to being afraid for my dad, who's dying of cancer and being looked after by his sister (and my mum, his ex-wife), I'm am also in conflict over my responsibilities and lack of desire to become his caregiver.
My parents divorced when I was young, and due to that and the educational gulf between myself and mydad, we've never been close. We love each other, and he's supported me financially, but we're practically strangers. I've been too sad and angry to fix that; the effort feels one-sided.
My dad's 60, and I'm 30. I'm single and live thousands of miles away in another country, where I'm at graduate school. If I left I might not be able to come back. It means abandoning my life. I love my dad and want to be there but we're too poor for me to make regular trips home and so if I go, it'll be to watch him die. It's scary given how distant our relationship is, but I'm also afraid of destroying everything I have worked forand moving back to my jobless hometown. I'm worried I won't be good enough; I'm worried I'll resent it bitterly and never be able to forgive him; I'm worried it'll make my relationship with him even worse. He's a terrible patient. He's angry, stuborn and scared and I doubt he would want to deal with my need to resolve things with him; I don't expect that because he's dying he's going to to miraculously turn into someone who wants to admit he's not close to his daughter.
Then there's my mum. She has a limitless capacity to care for others. Even though my late grandmother was in a nursing home, mum took care of her every day; her whole life became about Nan for years, and I'm convinced she did that mostly out of deep love for her mum, but also because it filled a void - with grown-up kids, no career to obsess over, and no husband, she needed to take care of Nan to feel useful. Now she's helping Dad, and I'm grateful but feel like she's disappointed in me because I can't feel the same about this situation as she did about her mum. She believes I'm selfish, maybe I am, but sacrifice isn't sacrifice without willing; it's vanity. It's doing something so you can pat yourself on the back, so everyone else can see you did your duty. There's nothing more selfish and dishonest than that.
I wish I was like my mum. That it was in my heart to give up my life without a thought and care for my dad despite everything. I don't love my father any less because I'm human, frightened, sad, confused and yes, weak. I don't love him any less for loving my life and respecting my own potential; ironically, this was what he always wanted for me. It's what both my parents raised me to do.
Honor your mother and father no matter what. Life is not always fair -get use to it. Every situation is different but you get through . As long as the heart is loving it is not so much a burden. Feel good about yourself for doing your very best and standing by your loved ones in the times of need.
My parents will not grace the halls of a nursing home. They took care of me well into adulthood and I could not imagine not doing the same for them. They deserve the best just as they gave me. They can stay with me as long as they want. Why would you want your parents to waste away or just die in a strange place. That is not fair.
Fortunately my parents were the best in every way. I was blessed and I have 3 brothers who are just nowhere to be found. Just hope my health holds up for my mom. :) Had a great childhood and returning the favor no regrets! Wish I could understand why my brothers disappeared. :)
Some day the shoe will be on the other foot. How will the children feel if they have no one to care for them when they get old? Everyone thinks they are invincible when they're young and they will have plenty of money and everything planned perfectly for when they grow old, but life circumstances happen and there are no guarantees even with the best intentions. Pay it forward!
Having parents to raise us, loves us, and support us. They give the best they can provide for us. We are what we are now because of their sacrifices. We MUST take care of them when the time has come for us to do so. Moreover, we all only have ONE PARENTS. Don't us?
Circumstances may have been outside their control. For instance in Zimbabwe hyperinflation pre 2009 rendered life savings and pensions valueless, other elderly people expected to live out their lives on the farms until the land invasions rendered them homeless, none of this was foreseeable in any way. Many elderly people have been abandoned by their children who now live outside Africa, they are now dependent on charity as there is no welfare state support in Zimbabwe.
When we grow old, wouldn't we want our children to take care of us too? Imagine you were in their position- having cared for your children for so long, only to have them abandon you when you need them most. That might well be the case, because as an adult, you are most likely going to have children, who you would be setting a bad example for if you leave your parents to their own defences.
While taking care of your aging parents might not be a direct responsibility of every child, taking actions in making your old parents' lives good and not miserable makes you a better person. I believe in Karma, "What you sow, you reap..." You have to remember that charity begins at home. If you can't be nice to the people who gave you your life how can you be nice to other people?
First and foremost i appreciate my parents for not aborting my pregnancy in my mother's womb. They are the entrance in which i found myself in the field of life. They labour for me when i was young. They are everything for me! They are builder of my life destiny without them i can not become what i am today! Though they were late now i will forever remember them. Late mr and mrs samuel adedeji onibokun you are indeed of epitome of good parents rest in peace. I always remember you when you were alive! And so i want every adult child always remember his or her parents at old age. Due to the following reasons: either we like it or not the evil day shall surely come at old age from our parents due to the nature of life and so we are to take care of them. It is not only financial aspect but other areas of life. My late father was sick for complete 12 years and for once we children do not neglected him. When need arise we are to take care of our parents. We should make it a duty so that we can get returns from our own children. A child that abuses his parents his own children will also abuse him in return. We are to honour and care for our parents. By evang. Onibokun adeniyi michael.
Even though some people do need to go into a care home if they have severe dementia and are a danger to themselves and others, a majority of people should be cared for at home as majority of people would prefer to stay at home. Families with help from community support services should care for their loved ones at home as they will receive much better care than in a care home whereby the staff ratio is usually 1 staff to every 10 residents even worse sometimes.
As stated in the paragraph; I, verbatim, agree I am not as good with words and I could not have said it better. Since I have to write 50 words, I will add that my mother has always been there for me. Having worked in a nursing home (rehab, assisted-living, skilled care facility) I know that this is the best care she could have. The ration of staff to patients is low and patients are viewed as a job. I supply love with my work and compassion. My mother receives personal attention. She is served the food she chooses. We have a mother daughter bond. I would never abandon her to the care of strangers..After all we have been through together and she has done for me. I want her to live the end of her life in comfort and joy. Secure, and loved; not an object, a stereotype, or someones job duty.
Baby boomers feel they have no responsibility in caring for their parents. Many of our parents had grandparents living with them when they were kids. We can thank FDR and social security for giving us a false sense of security that the government will care for you as you age.
To a point. As an only child there is no sibling to share the care with but I feel that I should give as much comfort and care to my recently bereaved elderly 86 year old mother as much as possible. Prior to my dad becoming sick, he and I had been discussing ironically about my mother's mental state following a fall last October she sustained a broken thigh and had to be hospitalised but her personality had and still has completely changed since then. She had to have a nurse calling regularly on her to administer a course of injections but my father noticed that her behaviour had changed so much, so completely out of character like not co-operating with the medication properly or walking without walking aids. She could be hurtful to him which left him feeling very deflated. But now he has passed away her behaviour is getting so much worse. I do try to understand and just let it go but it is getting to be almost 24/7. Dumping old Anniversary cards from dad was almost the final straw on Father's Day. y yes is more of a tentative yes because I honestly don't know how I might feel by Christmas or next year, it could be because I am still raw from losing dad, I don't know. It seems in the UK that services have to be constantly chased up before anything is done.
...I would think you'd have internalized the desire to help your parents at the end of their lives. My mother worked overtime every day...Even when she suffered from cancer TWICE...So I could go to a private university, so my brother could realize his dream of becoming a firefighter. It certainly wasn't easy for her, so why should expect it to be easy for me when my parents need help? They've saved up for retirement, but even I know that can't possibly cover future emergencies. Aging is a natural part of life, but some people who have answered "no" to this question have ignored the limitations of their humanity. And once they've realized that someday they'll need help, they certainly won't have family to turn to for support.
I understand there are parents who in the eyes of some do not deserve to be cared for, but to me it is not only because I love my parents, it is my moral and spiritual responsibility. However, I choose to care for my parents. They become like children and need someone they can depend on to help guide and comfort them through their physical struggles.
Our parents, or parent figures, have been with us every step of the way. It was not easy for them in fact it was hard. Imagine all the trouble we gave them starting with our none stop crying in infancy, at the age of two when we tore up the library books, at the age of six where we annoyed the baby sitter to the point of angry tears, at the age of thirteen when you broke your brothers fingers in the van door while playing hide and seek, those stupid moments were you get frustrated and your parents back you up. Parents start out as caregivers but later become friends. Soon in their old age they need a companion someone who will look at the world in their point of view, relax, sit, and listen. Some to love and know will be with you to the end. We owe it to the ones who gave us life and helped us flourish into the people we are now today.
My mother couldn't have cared two hoots either for myself or my children throughout my lifetime, so why should I be held responsible for her care? Because she gave birth to me? Hello, that could have been by accident, lack of knowledge or guilt. I frankly feel sorry for her because, obviously, due to her own childhood, she had nothing to offer otherwise and dedicated her life, as an only child that I am, to disparage me as a person because of her own complexes. In fact, she is about to celebrate her 90th birthday and I frankly don't understand how God can keep her alive when she has done so much harm to so many of her next of kin, not me necessarily however yes me, but my children (who are in my heart always).
1 mother can take care of 6 children, but 6 children cant take care of 1 mother! HOW AWFUL! No matter what the circumstance, no matter how awful they were, its a child's responsibility to provide food and shelter to their parents, if necessary. Its the right thing to do and no argument can change that reality.
A good Human Being, will return what he takes from others. As parents helped their children's to grow, So Adults should help them back when parents goes older. Definitely, if adult tries his best of the best to return what his/her parents did for him/her, he/she can't.
When parents can help their children's to take their first step, then why not children's can help their parents, when they feel hard to walk.
Why not? You wont understand till you are old. There wont be anyone to take cake of you. People who say that adults should not be responsible should be beaten up. Our parents are the one who gave us every thing we want, taught us how to behave etc etc. So please understand.
I think we should take care of our elderly parents. My mum is 59, and my dad is 74. My parents have worked so hard to give me everything in my life, food, clothing, shelter, love, an education, a home where I've had a sense of belonging, for 20 years now. I think it's brutal to leave them to rot, after shunting them into a retirement home, or into an apartment on their own. I've heard horrific stories in the news of elderly people dying in their apartments, and their decomposing, rotting, foul-smelling, body only being found 3 weeks after they died, because none of their neighbours cared enough about them to realise that they had died. O_O It's horrible. I don't want that news story to happen to my lovely parents. I would like to move out, but I'm not sure what would happen to them if I did move out. S: My 25 year old sister doesn't want to take them in, so I'm not sure what to do. S:
If your parents brought you into this world and have given you everything you needed for your well-being that you should be more than willing to return the favor, especially because nursing homes often time will not treat their elderly with the respect and care that they need. It is worth it to care for your elderly parents because you will provide them with a safe, comforting, loving environment that can make all the difference. It allows you to grow closer to each other before there is no time left. Not only closer with your parents, but closer with the family around you that helps you through it.
They gave up their pleasures in life, time and health for our upbringing in their yesterdays. Why then adult children can't take care of them in their old age? We the children only know what is their emotional, physical and material needs. Oftentimes, aging parents fear “being a burden” to their adult children. But our love and care to them brings us blessings too.
I feel it is the minimum duty of a child to take care of his/her elderly parents when they are incapable of doing so themselves. This is the very basis of a good and strong family. It is what has been said in all scriptures and faiths. Caring for parents is part of being human.
You don't have to take care of your elderly parent in your home, but do make sure they aren't homeless and have 24-hour care. Trust me, if you didn't do that you would have to live with it the rest of your life. My parents are both gone and I miss them every day. Now that I have the time with my children being out on their own and independent, I take care of the elderly in my town. I volunteer for Faith and Action in Edwardsville, Glen Carbon. I love the elderly people. I drive them to doctors and grocery shopping and to visit nursing home friends. I miss my parents so much, I had to find something to do to help the elderly. So yes, I did take care of my parents, and I did have help from my brother Tom and my wonderful husband.
My parents need a lot of care. They lived hard and their bodies are showing the damage from lifetimes of alcohol, smoking and obesity. Caring for them is exhausting. I do it out of a sense of obligation and it is very painful. My parents were terribly abusive and while they are kinder today, those old scars have left me feeling terribly resentful. I will care for them, but I will also insure that my own children are never in the position that I am.
I really can't understand people who are saying we don't need to take care our parents. Our parents have taken care of us. So I think we need to do it, too.
Parents are really important to us. They cooked food, and gave money, we are now rich because of our parents.
It's a little disheartening to read peoples comments in the "no" side. Your parents have loved and taken care of you from the second you were born, so unless there is some other reason that might have strained your relationship with your parents I do not understand how you can turn your back on them when they need you the most. As the one person wrote even if you aren't financially able to take care of them you should go visit them as much as possible and try to help them as best as you can. As adults it is now our opportunity to repay our parents for all the love and support they have given us growing up.
They are our parents of course they need our help we must give them emotional support. They took care of us till now and now they need our help so we must help them as they do. We must be responsible. Every kindness always comes back to us and do not forget. Do not put them in a nursing home; do as they say.
My wife , myself and 3 teenage kids lived together in a four bedroom apartment. We should be responsible for their needs and have housed them for more than 10 years with the help of two caregivers. I feel it is our responsibility to care for their well being and my kids could see the sacrifice we made for them and learn to take on responsibilities should the need arise. Housing them in the nursing home is not a good option and it costs much more than caring for them at home.
Even before you were born, your parents were your protectors. Parents take care of their children all their lives and even there for them after they move out and really start their own journey. The least children can do after all those years of being sheltered by their parents is to return the favour when their parents are as helpless as they were. Although I believe that children should take care of their elderly parents, I do not think that it should be a law because some parents are abusive and it would be unfair to ask someone to take care of their tormentors.
I was a single mom. I poured everything I had into my daughters, heart and soul. I may not have much in my bank account but I know that my house, once sold, should pay for my care. I do not think it is fair to expect your children to pay for your medical expenses. And they should not be expected to chase after you to change your diaper or give you a bath after you have smeared yourself filthy. If my mind were that gone, I don't think I would care where I lived. But if I am still inside of my old and crumbling body, please do not leave me to live my days alone and lonely. I want to hear the sound of my family as they live their lives and my grandchildren grow up. I promise to stay out of the way. I promise not to break any of your rules. I just don't want to be alone.
They took care of you when you were a baby and were helpless. They raised you up and made you what you are today. And if you can't care for your parents then it's a big shame to humanity.
Remember today it's our parents asking for our help, tomorrow it could be us.
Think about it and make your decision.
My mom was a single parent that raised my brother and me in very difficult circumstances She worked meager jobs and could not afford a house. I firmly believe that in this particular case, it is my responsibility to take care of her. It can be difficult sometimes but there is no other option.
They provide us with all the support we need, devote their love to us wholeheartedly, and protect us from threats. Our parents are like the sunlight nurturing seedlings to grow into mature plants. Without parents, we cannot survive without parents. Because they are the ones who guide us when we are lost.
Of course, they should take care of their parents as their family members. They have given their whole lives to their children and they are old, weak, dependent, and need more time, love and affection. If they have their own family then there is no need to go to old age home for the shelters. We should protect the lives of those who have given life to us.
As a mom myself, I know how much energy, time and love I spend on each of my naughty kids. When each kid was born, my husband and I felt the responsibilities right away, and we work harder and harder to ensure my kids have a better life and better future. We worry about their health, behavior and study at school... As kids get older, sometimes we don't get along each other, but as parents we always love them, crazily care about them. Being a parent makes me understand my parents better. I don't expect my kids really take care of me when I get old, but if any of them say anything like those comments, my heart would be broken. Even though, sometimes, you don't get along with each other, that's just a communication problem, it does not mean parents don't love you.
I have realized that sometimes you have to let nature take its course one day at a time. My Dad is a nasty old cuss and has always been so. His decline has sped up greatly over the past 3 months. He's refused his doctor appointments, and has lost a great deal of weight from refusal to eat. His Dr. says there is nothing he or anyone can do right now, but to continue to try our best to make him comfortable, and to just wait. I personally hope, his wish for dying peacefully at home, comes before we have to forcefully move him due to injury or illness - he has no major medical concerns. We all do our best to take care of those we love, but know it is not neglect on our part, when they are stubbornly refusing our care. My only concern now is for my mom, that she is not injured caring for dad, and that she will be able to enjoy life awhile longer when this all passes.
It's shocking to me how adult children don't want to take any responsibility. I'm the youngest of three children, only turned 30 the other day, and I'm taking care of our parents and my handicapped brother. They've lived with us for almost seventh months. My other brother just feels that it's not his responsibility but its amazing that he feels that it's mine. All that I can say: Follow your heart and do what feels right for you! We are blessed everyday and for me that's healing.
My parents had me late in life and I am honored that I was the one that they called when they first needed help. They have since gone downhill with the health issues but I deal with it. The only issue I have is that I need financial help even though I now live with them I still have to support my own children and I am getting to the point where I will need to be with them all the time which means either an extended leave from work which I have already taken using up my EI or I will have to quit my job. I am honored to take care of them and conside it a privledge.
A simple yes or no answer is not adequate to cover all the variables. How is "parent" defined? I have a wonderful loving relationship with my parents and fully intend to care for them should the need arise. Regardless of the cost to me. On the other hand, my mother's biological parents horribly abused her which, in my opinion, absolved her from any moral duty to care for either of them.
But, on the side of caution, I would say yes. However, there are just too many variables. A parent may be in need, and if the child is able to help, they should. However, there are other things to take into account like the family relationship. Was the parent neglectful? It's just not an easy thing to answer with a simple yes or no.
I could argue this for both yes and no. However, I chose yes. I do not think of my parents care but where my personal care will come from in the future. I have worked in care homes and I honestly would not want to be in one. I also wouldn't want to put burden on my child. The government should be providing more workers for at home care(where has all the tax money gone?). As the baby boomer's get older we should also be teaching and hiring more health care professionals. So, you can't take care of your parents(though you want to) and neither can anyone else. Our parents worked hard for us, for everyone one and they deserve better than this!
It is the responsibility of each and every one of us to help any family member in need. Our family has raised us and helped to shape us in our future, so why shouldn't we help out when our parents reach an age where they need our assistance? As a matter of fact, I am at this moment saving money to move to Florida next month to move in with my parents to help my mother take care of my father. He has been going downhill over the last few years. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Both of my parents are elderly, and my mother cannot take care of him alone. She has been doing it for a few years now, and there are times that she needs a break. So I have been working at Amazon Mechanical Turk night and day since January 1st making peanuts, trying to make some extra money to fly to Florida to help my parents.
Especially with how the current economic situation is in America, I think it should almost be required. A lot of people's IRAs and 401Ks that they thought they'd live off of in their golden years have dwindled down to almost nothing. If you as their child have the ability to take care of them, you should do exactly that. Most parents would do anything for their children; you should if you have the ability, do the same thing for your parents.
Elderly parents need care, attention and love as we did when we were their children. Laws in the United States focus on child care only and are very stringent with negligent parents. The same should apply for negligent children who do not care for their elderly parents. If, for any reason, we cannot take care of our elderly parents ourselves, we should provide them with proper shelter, care and attention, and most importantly, with LOVE. It is just a repayment for all the love and affection they filled our lives with when we - and they - were young.
In most, normal circumstances adults should be responsible for their parent's care. They owe it to their parents in exchange for the gift of life and for taking care of them. Adults should be responsible for the care of their parents - meaning those that raised them. I don't believe that should totally replace social service programs or other benefits that the elderly are entitled to. But, the facilitation of the care of the elderly should be up to their grown children.
Your parents are the ones who gave you life and tried to instill morals and love in your life. They were responsible for you and your safety when you were young and could not take care of yourself. Once you are old enough and they are no longer capable, due to age or illness, it is, in my opinion, your responsibility to take care of them! It is our time to pay back all of the sleepless nights and running ragged that our parents did for us when we were small.
Part of our family responsibility is to take care of each other. Parents take care of young children provide for their needs. These roles are reversed when parents become very old and it is an expression of gratitude to take care of a parent when possible.
I am twenty one years of age right now. My mom and dad have been separated since I was one. My mom and dad continued on and had more children with different people, however my dad was able to stabilize himself and start a family a wife and 4 kids. My mom on the other hand has yet to get married and has three children. I know that the day will come when my mom will no longer be able to support herself and my younger brothers. So it will be my moral obligation to be by her side and help her out. I cannot do this at the moment because I am busy with school and work. But once I get my degree and my career I will be there for my mom and younger brothers. I will not be selfish and start a family and get married knowing that my duty lies with helping my mom and brothers with money, encouragement, and support with school.
1. Their elderly parents should preplan their own care, as part of being a responsible adult. 2. While everyone should and can be responsible for themselves, not every parent was responsible towards their children. There are plenty of physically and emotionally abused and neglected children. Why should a child that was not financially and emotionally provided for growing up, have to be responsible for the parent when they're an adult? And isn't it more likely that those same irresponsible parents becomes the elders that gets into the most financial problems in old age?
My grandmother is my legal guardian and of course she is in old age. I'm only 17 years old and I've literally given up my childhood for my own health issues plus a little bit of hers. I am not giving up most of my adolescence for her because neither my grandfather nor my sister want to step up and help me. It's just my grandmother and I living at home and she is making my life completely miserable. I can't even leave the house without someone calling me telling me something stupid that she did. Today was the second day in a row that she has fallen.
Children should not be obligated to take care of their parents simply because they are your parents. Parents have to take care of their children until adulthood because parents make the choice to have children (either naturally or via adoption) and have to take responsibility for their choices. Children do not make a conscious choice to have parents therefore have no responsibility to take.
However, if the parent helps the child as an adult (eg. lets their adult child live at home and pays their bills while the child "finds himself") then the adult child makes the choice to accept help from the parents and should pay it back when the time comes.
My mother is deceased and my father cheated me out of money my mother had left specifically for myself and my brothers. He will not even bother to visit his grandkids even though he only lives 10 minutes away. He doesn't even bother to call them on birthdays, Easter or Christmas etc. Aside from that he refuses to help in any way and in all honesty this isn't new. As a kid growing up he was extremely abusive, violent and always drinking. He never bothered to have any involvement in my life. I was a national champion in my sport, yet he has never seen me perform.
He has made provision in his will for my brother's daughter yet made no provision for my children. He has given large sums of money to both my brothers enabling them to buy houses and has left me out. I know that when the time comes he will expect to live with me and my family but this will simply not be possible since my husband and I have to work twice as hard to try and get a house and security for our children and their futures. My husband's family is the same. They help his brother, sister and step-brothers but fail to be there on the rare occasions we may need some family support. The reality is if any of our so-called parents had offered even the most basic of support that would have helped us to build a solid foundation, then maybe then, we would actually have the means to help them when they are elderly. You reap what you sow!
Adults have full schedules, and more often than not have kids of their own. I think it's extremely selfish for parents of an adult to expect any kind of care from them. As someone stated below, the idea of looking after your parents is very dated. It pains me to read some of these life stories. People wasting decades of their lives in an attempt to avoid some sort of guilt. Other times it seems they're financially forced to look after parents, which is also unfair and shows that the parents just assumed they could take away years of their child's life.
Granted, I appreciate my parents for giving me life, but I often wonder if that "tradition" of caring for one's elderly and/or disabled parents is starting to get extremely dated. My parents and whatever relatives that were in their generation never really seemed happy doing it back in their days and I figured once future generations came along not many of the adult children would be willing participants to provide for their aging parents either in such current and future economies.
You feel obligated to care for a parent just as they cared for you as a child. I left home when I was 18 and became independent. I am now 52, have raised 4 children (my youngest is 17 and still at home). I have been a parent for 33 years. Although my youngest is still at home, my father lives with us now. He is not physically unable to live alone, just emotionally; as he says he cannot live alone since our Mother passed away. However when he was my age, his youngest had left home, and he was free to enjoy his 50s, 60s, 70s and early 80s without responsibility. I have left my professional job to help care for my father, whom I love. However, he talks about the same things every day and has a very limited range of conversation. This is not good for my own brain and I am now beginning to feel old before my time. I feel my father has taken over my life and he spends more time with me than my husband and children. He has his own ideas on how things are done and has his principals. There are constant debates over the way we do things and what we believe in, however this is our home and our lives he has entered into. He pays minimal board as we don't feel right about charging too much. If my father didn't live with me, I would be visiting him a couple of times a week and bringing him to our place for dinner on Sunday nights and everyone would be calm,happy and relaxed. On the other hand, my teenage daughter does not leave her room, my husband has to listen to me constantly complaining about the daily events and I am quickly loosing respect for the father I love. This is the most difficult time in my life and I feel powerless in my own home.
No we should not be made to look after our parents,that's what their super /pension is for. Some parents can be down right abusive. However, if we choose to help them that would not be because of obligation that would be because we have a good relationship with them.
They must have come from traditional loving families. Many do not. My parents thought they had all the answers; were terrible money mangers and would never listen to any of their adult children regarding decisions of any sort. Particularly for their retirement. They spent literally down to their last dime. "I don't care; I deserve this." You reap what you sow. My husband and I have worked hard to prepare for our retirement and now my widowed mother doesn't have money to buy diapers, (just dog food). If she can't budget within her income (ss check), she's living beyond her means. (something she said to me when I got married, by the way) it's hard to have sympathy for a self-absorbed, narcissistic hypochondriac. And I'm sure there are many more out there. (this is where you ask, so, how do you really feel?"
My father has cut off all communication with me. He is emotionally abusive, and squandered the money he made as a tech industry manager for many years by gambling in las vegas and buying crazy real estate deals. Why on earth would I be obligated to help him one whit? My mother will live with me to the end, because she cares about me. My father has chosen his path. These laws are antiquated, and are just a method of theft. Universal health care, universal long term care. That is what a civilized society does. On a good note, I've read that in states where these old laws are still on the books, they are never enforced, and are easily defeated in court. American constitutional law is based on the idea of individual responsibility, not random genetic associations.
My father died 5 years ago leaving me with a super physically fit 83 year old with dementia. I find I am worn out with juggling a demanding job and a family and really wanted my own time as I approach 50 not a huge and frustrating responsibility. It is a myriad of appointments to achieve anything and all by me. No other relatives to call upon. I feel I need to preserve myself and desperately want to end my caring role. I am being selfish here but after bringing up a child and caring for a sick mother in law and a sick father, my mother's needs are coming when I'm worn out mentally. My mother can express strong views and I find I go along for an easy life. All free time seems to be needed for chiropodists, dentist, hairdresser, doctor etc etc I shower her and wash her hair/trim her nails, do her shopping, change her bed, do her washing, answer her mail and the list goes on but I know this is nothing to some people and it will only get worse. I just want someone to assess her rationally and make arrangements for the appropriate care. I don't care about money and I'm starting to feel numb as I hardly recognise this lady any more. Yes I'm selfish and just hope I get a break soon.
A parent's poor planning impacts the life of others, now their poor planning is affecting my life and my future, as well as my kids. What a horrible snowball effect. I cared for my mother, and now my dad. My dad had surgery and came to our home for support after a heart attack. He has a 3000 sq foot home 12 miles away. Refuses to live there, refuses to sell it and refuses to take care of it. I now have him, the pool and yard, as well as a houseful of everything to take care of.
No I am not the only sibling, however it is obvious the dumb one.
Our parents took care of us when we were little and then we will just abandon them when they got old? Don't you have heart? Yeah it is their responsibility to take care of us but we have the responsibility to take care of them too. They don't desrve that guys.
I try to do what I can to help. However, I am a single woman near 50, and the thought of living in poverty by giving up my small earnings, to be a prime care giver to parents who abused me physically and mentally as a child is very difficult. The challenge from an external perspective, is that my parents have positioned themselves as great people in the community and are unaware of the situation. I still have nightmares about my upbringing. There is this growing pressure that I will care for them personally, including from my sister and her religious conviction. She had a somewhat less abusive experience. I really dread this.
My parents made a lot of money while I was growing up & later ran through multiple inheritances from their parents and were never asked to contribute time or money when their parents were elderly because both sets of my grandparents planned for their later years. My parents are both very self - centered and were never there for me when I needed them. They have been emotionally abusive and despite our (me, my brother & sister) pleading for them to set aside even a small amount of money or pay for a house to help ensure some form of stability on the future, they refused and spent everything. It was all about them and now, it's still all about them. My dad recently went into a nursing home and my mom could move in with my sister. But, no - "She's not sure she's ready for that "and thinks we should assist with the medical co pays, financing her condo and making car payments etc. All three of us helped them prior to my dad's recent admission to a nursing home, while they continued to eat out 3 meals a day (something none of us do!). I am thoroughly fed up. I have two boys in college and my 2 siblings have young children. We do care about my parents, but they feel 100% ENTITLED and none of us are in a position to support them without taking from our own children and retirement. I would NEVER do this to my two kids. So, my answer is YES, I'm ok with helping my parents and I have helped them monetarily and also with overseeing some medical issues etc. I also go visit my dad often even though I live about an hour & 1/2 away. However, we are not an open checkbook and they chose to place themselves in a position where we would carrying the entire burden and they do feel entitled, with no regard for our families and the impact their of actions. And, they are not even appreciative. It's not what have you done for me, it's what have you done for me lately! Again, I will NEVER do this to my kids and would prefer to go off and die somewhere knowing my kids have a good life vs imposing on my kids, their finances and families. No one should ever be expected to finance their parent's care.
Frankly, a "child" of an 85 year old is usually a senior who has financial and health issues because they are approaching old age themselves. I have worked hard all my life and have given extensively to charities to help those in need. My mother was widowed twice, worked begrudgingly for about 10 years and has refused any advice regarding her health or well being. I live 1000 miles away and when I visit she only talks about her aches and pains and criticizes me for not bringing her what she wants, showing up at the wrong time etc. I will continue to help my community and causes.....But not my mother.
They live in my house. I pay for everything: bills (gas, electricity, water, their medical bills), the 2005 totoya camry that my mom drives, car insurance, gym membership, etc. I also flip the bill when it comes to remodeling the house. But for some reason, they talk bad about me to everyone. People actually pity them. My dad complains that I don't give him a dime. Seriously, I am only 34 years old. Do they know the stress I am under? I just finished paying off my student loans. They did not pay for my education. They compared me to their friends' kids who gives their parents some money every now and then. The fact is, their friends' kids are living in their parents home and do not have bills like I do. I am so sad and sick of this. My siblings and I have decided to teach them a lesson. We are giving them 3 months to move out. When they are ready to say sorry, I will reconsider what to do.
Abusive, neglectful, or absentee parents should be left to rot, unless their son or daughter decides to "be the bigger person" of their own accord. If there are laws requiring such, they should have strict criterion on financial contribution on financial contribution and presence during childhood, and any conviction for abuse or negligence should utterly erase any future obligation the child would otherwise have to the parent.
Adult children should not be required to provide care for their parents if this represents a burden for the care provider. I have been struggling with a father who is able to stand on his own but refuses to do it. Every morning we carry him to the toilet and he refuses to defecate in the toilet. After 30 to 50 minutes sitting on the toilet, we take him to the shower and he immediately defecates as soon as he is in the shower. He then lies in the shower floor on top of the feces. You can only imagine how difficult it is to shower him and clean him. If I put a diaper and let him defecate in it, he gets his hand in there and plays with his own feces, getting them everywhere. He refuses to eat, take his medicine, drink water, etc. He also opposes resistance when we try to move him, grabbing onto things to avoid being carried. He hurts himself on purpose to mortify us. He makes our lives a living hell. I do not think we should be forced to care for somebody that bitter and stubborn. I would gladly take care of a lovely human being, no matter how difficult the care was, but not of somebody with an attitude. We should be free to have a choice.
I have a father who is disabled and has cancer. He has also been an alcoholic his whole life. I had to leave home becuase he was abusive at the age of 16. I am now faced with the sole responsibility of his care as the Government has no services available to him.
My parents are in their 80s, I'm in my late 50s. I haven't got much good quality life left. I don't want to give up what life I've got left to care for my parents. I love them but they drive me mad. We get on each other's nerves. I help them out, shopping, cleaning and ironing for them but I don't want to do more. I don't want to live with them or them with me. I already feel resentful and guilty. I don't want to start hating them.
My parents abused me. They should be in prison. I will never care for them in any way. I don't care what happens to them. If they or anyone else attempt to force me to be responsible for them, I will expose all their disgusting secrets and destroy their reputation. If they have any brains at all, they will leave me and my family alone.
Although my parents were good to me as I grew up and even in adulthood, it's a bit much to ask of a 50-year-old. Would probably be easier if their minds have given out before their bodies but my parents not only expect me to take care of all their needs, they still give me orders on exactly how it must be done. They think that my looking after them is expected, so they don't pay me anything for doing so. They show no appreciation whatsoever. On numerous occasions, I've thought about moving out without notice and let whatever fate God has in store for them happen. The problem with doing that is my conscience would make me miserable. I wish I could find some way to over-ride my conscience and go on and do what I want to do in life no matter how selfish the people in my home town think I am.
Having cared for my elderly parent for 5 years, I have neglected my own health, my broken marriage, my home, my own children. As I have said at times, "I need help helping you". I am emotionally, mentally, physically drained. I have no support, husband is gone, kids behind on their work, kids behavior is changing, moneys running out. I would never ever ever would want to do that to my children. Id rather die alone in the woods, honorably and peacefully knowing my children would live full lives, and I wouldn't have been the cause for them not doing so.
It's absurd to expect all children to care for their parents, as though all children came from nurturing, loving homes. My wife's father has been a wrench in everyone's gears since day one, never thinking of anyone but himself. My wife's mother has wanted out of the relationship for years, but her husband recently had a stroke and now she's stuck looking after him. Now that dementia is coming on and his already toxic behaviour has gone from awful to insane, she's at her wit's end and just wants out. The kids are concerned for her well-being and are trying to figure out how to get the townhouse sold (not worth much) so the proceeds can be split. He is trying to sabotage the sale by peeing on the rug and ensuring the place is in a state of chaos to scare off potential buyers. What everyone wants is to dump him in a crappy home somewhere, which he richly deserves, and help her get a few years of happiness before it's too late.
So here we have another complicated situation in which the question of parental care cannot be considered in easy, black-and-white terms.
For those parents who have loved a life of 'live now, pay later', living on credit and not planning for their retirement, you should not expect your kids to bail you out. Plan for your elderly years and don't be a burden to your children. However, if your parents have genuinely tried to do everything possible to set themselves up but things have not worked out, your children may feel more willing to do what they can to help.
I have two special need children and my hands are full. Our savings will be needed for our own retirement and some disability savings for each child. We can not spare much for our parents. Besides, my parents already owe me. I have looked after their mother (my grandma) for 10 years, because they somehow "don't get along" with their mother. I'm her power of attorney and give her a room in my home and food and everything free of charge. My parents never contributed a cent even though they're affluent. My husband said he's learned the lesson and will never do it again.
As a child of emotionally distant (neglectful) parents, I have found after three years of trying to get them to take care of their health that they have made the choices that led them to living in poverty and substandard conditions. I am not responsible for their choices - they are. I chose to stop trying when they began to take advantage of me. I will happily refer them to resources that can help them but refuse to accept responsibility for their poor decision making.
When you have a serious chronic illness, which requires you to be in the hospital for IV treatments, you should not have to take your parent with Alzheimer's with you. It is not right to sacrifice your own health to care for an elderly parent, because you just get sicker. I have been taking care of my mom since I was a kid and teenager for many of her physical needs. After she had a double hip replacement when I was in high school, I would leave school at lunch to feed her lunch and do exercises with her. I have been ill for 12 years, have two children and now my mother. I am an only child burning out from taking care of her, but not myself. It is altogether too much.
Unfortunately I have tried everything you have suggested but my controlling, manipulative, angry, aggressive father has it all covered. He has spent all of his life professionally manipulating people (including me) into doing his bidding. He successfully carries this out in such away as he does not have to part with any gratitude what-so-ever. He has nothing to give but orders. He sucks the living matter from your soul. My mother has had schizophrenia since I was born; she has neither logic nor emotion. She is a cold, quiet natured woman in her 80th year. My father is 87. They both suffer from age related ill health and have used this to emotionally blackmail me into caring for them. My father has been on his death bed for the last 20 years. I don’t know how much more I can take. In the UK forced marriages are frowned upon by society but forced carers afford a cheap solution for caring for the elderly. I have never taken money from my father for caring for them. I realised early in life that anything you took from my parents automatically entered you into an invisible job description that had no boundaries or time l. As the next of kin I have found myself in an impossible situation with the NHS whereby it is assumed that I have a duty of care to look after my parents. It is a constant battle to maintain any control over my life. I have grown to hate my parents. I was groomed into caring for them as a child and have never been able to escape from them or their expected demands. They have managed to present a perfect image to the world that makes them look like the walking wounded and me look like an ungrateful daughter. My only brother was smart enough to immigrate over 20 years ago. He admitted that he cannot tolerate our parents. My parent’s expectations are unrealistic and inherited from an era when servants were the norm.
It is down to the indidvidual, and their own personal relationship with thier parents. I would and do, call my mother if she needs me to, and would and do visit, but we both have our own life. She is 78 and I'm 55 [female]. She has enough money to provide for her own care.
By becoming a parent you are legally responsibility to raise that child until they are 18 years old. It is at that point that my parents told me I was completely on my own. I am a parent myself, and I am willingly helping out and supporting my young adult sons who are wonderful young men but haven't been able to find their independent way yet. My parents over the past 30 years have not given me a dime or a minute of assistance, have been critical of much that I do, do not trust me, and have built and maintained a relationship of emotional distance and disregard. The thought of having to care for someone who has created and sustained over many decades such a negative relationship makes me physically ill, and I truly don't see how it would be possible. My parents are still able to live on their own but I worry constantly over when that inevitable phone call will come and what it will bring.
I have cared for my mother since being a child. I just cannot do it anymore yet more and more is needed. It is a tough, thankless task which I did not ask for and have borne too long. I am now nearly 50 and long for the time when it is over.
Sometimes in the beginning you can handle it, but as their condition worsens it becomes too difficult and they need professional help. When I started caring for my mom, she could still get up and walk with a walker. I just needed to fix her meals, clean her apartment and give her a bath. Now she cannot get out of the chair without two people to help her. I am 57 now. I quit my job to take care of her, I have no money to hire anyone, and she has been turned down for Medicaid twice. When she finally passes, I will find it difficult to pick up the pieces of my own life.
If your parents are too much to handle or if they were abusive toward you, you shouldn't feel that you have to take care of them. However, I feel that many of you have issues that can probably be resolved with outside help, and the government can step in if your parent's resources are limited and/or you can't pay for support.
I will help out when I can but I have my own life. My parents did not give me enough love and always made me feel I had to be grateful for everything they did. Yet now I am expected to help out at the drop of a hat. Yes they helped me sometimes but they did everything begrudgingly and boy did they make sure I knew they had done me a favor. It's okay if you have had support and love from your parents but what if you haven't! To get next to no gratitude or appreciation for going completely out of your way to help them and just having it constantly expected of you is not right.
To say they looked after you growing up and you owe them is silly in my opinion. THEY chose to have YOU and all the responsibility that came with it, I certainly didn't choose to be on this earth, they certainly did, so therefore I am not supposed to have a choice as to whether I want to look after them because they bought me into this world and looked after me! that is called being a parent and is what they chose to do! So now I look after them and it is all expected of me with little gratitude. Gratitude isn't expected when you are a young child but it should be expected when you are an adult helping out another adult.
The child has an obligation to be sensitive and do what he can but only to the limits of logic and reason. You cannot ask the child to sacrifice his own physical health from stress of round the clock care or to risk savings the child has responsibly set aside for when he eventually needs care himself.
Why should an adult who was abused by his parents have to care for them when they are elderly? Why should these survivors have to go to court and prove that they were abused. It was bad enough as a child - survivors should be able to move on with their lives.
When I was 10 yrs old, my mother told me and my siblings that the only reason she had children was to take care of her in her old age. She has only used people around her for years. I feel no responsibility for her at this time. I will visit and do what I can for her, but I will always put my family first
It makes me sad to be on this side of the debate. In the past I would have said that it was my moral obligation to help me parents at the end of their lives. After all,I bought a house for them about one mile from my family home when I thought I could still help. Well that did not work out because he still abuses alcohol and everyone around him. He is 91 years old and the meanest person I have ever met. He has had psychiatric help..rejected, social services...rejected...family pleading...rejected. No, I am not responsible for him or my mother who had a very large role in this situation. Maybe god can help them because I can not
My children will have families of their own by the time I need help, and their time and resources should be spent taking care of their nuclear family, not me. I have a retirement plan to take care of myself, as does my husband. Poor planning on another person's part, does not constitute an emergency on mine. Even if the poor planner is my own father and mother.
Let's face it, financial stress is real for families. In fact, it's the main reason of divorce these days. As parents we struggle to put 10% in the bank every month let alone education fund for our children. More burdens placed upon adult children that have more than enough on their shoulders will lead to financial ruins and hopelessness.
Why do we pay taxes then? Isn't it for insurance of a safety net to catch us when we are down and in need?
While most people do help out their elders, I do not think there should be a requirement. Everyone should be able to make their own choice on this matter, and it is not the job of the government or some other agency to run our lives in this aspect. It is hardly a problem anyway in developed nations, as the vast majority of senior citizens are cared for.
We are the first generation that will not be as prosperous as our parents. In a nation riddled with looming tax debts, and increased costs of living we are expected to bear the burden of supporting our elderly parents. What ever happened to personal accountability for our wellbeing? Our parents should be responsible for their retirement and long term care. I have a mother in law that lives in a half million dollar home, drinks expensive wine, eats chateaubriand, drives a foreign luxury import, works only two days a week, and calls my husband crying about her tax bill. Completely pathetic. I do and will not support that. She better start saving!
The government requires that almost all individuals pay into Social Security on the assumption that many cannot adequately plan for their own retirement. The government requires most pay into Medicare and Medicaid because too many cannot pay for their own health-care when unemployed, disabled, or elderly. The government requires that we pay unemployment insurance taxes because too many do not save enough to cover their bills when unemployed. Why then, should adults that the government does not expect to save for their own retirement and unemployment be held responsible to pay for the care of their parents? And what then would be done for the 10-20% of adults without children, or for those who did not bother to support the children they had? Shall the burden be spread to next of kin? Or shall it be upon society at large, as all our other burdens shall be? Either we hold individuals responsible for these burdens, or all of society. But do not assume that adult children alone should shoulder the burden of an elder's care.
Alot of people don't want to admit the fact that there are parents out there that are mean, abusive, manipulative, and self-absorbed. My elderly parents have always been that way. Beyond food and a roof over my head, they provided me with nothing in the way of emotional support or financial help--even though they have always been very comfortable financially.
Some people have kids for the wrong reasons. Like they want a cute little kid to get unconditional love and affection from--then when the kid grows up its "you're on your own buddy".
There shouldn't be a legal obligation to care for them. It should be ruled by common sense, and elderly parents should reap what they sow--whether it is good care from loving kids, or whether it is nothing.
As people are living longer, it's become a strain on the middle generation that is raising their kids and taking responsibility for aging parents. However, if an adult child wants to bring a parent to live with them or pay for elderly housing, then that should be their choice. There should not be any law or legal obligation for a child to take care of a parent because the state of each parent/child relationship is different.
I would gladly help out my parents in any way necessary when/if that time comes, however, I do not believe it should be an obligation. They raised me and provided for me, and now I am paying that forward by raising my own children in the same manner. I did not have children so that they can take care of me when I am older.
I hate the stupidity that goes along with the "they gave us life and cared for us; we should do the same."
I didn't ask to be born.
I didn't make them travel to care for me because I was too stubborn to move.
I never caused them to lose two+ years income so I could stay "independent."
If you can't take care of yourself then make arrangements to be cared for, don't expect your kids, grand kids to do it for love.
My parents dumped me when I was 16 and never did a thing to support me. As a result, I've struggled with poverty for years, while my parents have lived very well. I have 2 children of my own now and can barely put them through college. I will have no retirement, I already accept that.
My case is not unusual. Many, many, many self-centered parents have done nothing to help their kids. Divorce in this country is 50% and in most cased, divorce leaves kids in terrible circumstance.
Oh yes, look at all the youngsters who are facing massive costs for college, massive drops in employment prospects, etc. The elderly in many cases lived in an economy where they had fat pension plans and real estate gains. My generation and my children will have none of that. We are the generation that will be in poverty in the USA, on a massive scale.
In general, we live in a society where elderly parents lived extremely irresponsible lives, and their kids have been left to pick up the pieces. Why should those kids, having been screwed already, be forced to then support their irresponsible parents?
Forget the fantasy folks. As long as parents are allowed to treat children as badly and they do, children should not owe them a dime.
"Fair and moral" means NO to parent support.
My husband and I are taking care of two mothers, one who has money to live in assisted care and one who goes to day care and we feed dinner everyday. They are are 92 and 87 we are in our 60s and instead of enjoying our golden years we are caring for them. The one in assisted care calls constantly and is never satisfied. We refuse to do this to our children. When it is time we put our dogs down, I want the same right to end the pain when I can't control my bodily functions. Our mothers never thought about who would care for them and my husband and I just feel stuck. One mother was very physically abusive the other mentally abusive. What we are going through is not fair.
You can take care of a parent to a limit- But once they become abusive, angry, demanding and unable to do anything for themselves anymore it is time to place them in a home.
My husband just took care of his 94 yr old father for 2 years. He left his job at age 55 and we live on his 25,000 pension (he was making 6 figures prior). At first caring for his father wasn't so bad but the disease progressed so bad that he knew it was time to find a home. His father would not leave his home so my husband drove faithfully to care for his father, buy food, pay bills take him to the Doctors.
When he decided it was time he contacted his other two siblings who lived in another state. His brother agreed with my husband that it was time and thanked him for all his work taking care of their father.
His sister on the other hand insisted her father did not need to be put in a home. It would kill him
She was the one whom promised for the past 2 years to give my husband a break and take her father out to her house for a few months. She came in to visit but made and excuse why she could not take the father back with her. It turns out she did not want to give up her Social Life- Off to Vegas- Off to Arizona- go golfing with her husband in Florida.
When her father went into the emergency room and was in serious condition- she did not take it serious and aid she would try to get in the following week to see him. Well she never got to see him- he left this world. It was a better place for him now.
Absolutely NOT, unless you came from a very loving, thriving family lifestyle, but most don't. I owe them nothing. They did the bare minimum for me, and even that ended when I was 14. The only thing they taught me was how NOT to parent....I moved away and successfully raised 3 children with whom I am very close, very loved and needed and worthy of it.
I am emotionally and sometimes even physically abused by my strict tiger mom, and my dad just makes it worse by taking her side since she always twists the story around to make it seem like she's the victim. I hate them, and I do not want to have to take care of them in their old age. They should just die.
NO, not unless you have a good relationship and want to. I think my generation will have to plan and save for all that sort of thing. I do not have a good relationship with my Dad who has alcohol problems and now cancer. I am trying to manage my Gran who now has dementia. How can I support them both. I have a young family, a full time job, childcare, a husband, voluntary work, childrens run a round and a mortgage. No pension scheme. Where do I stand?
My parents divorced when I was only three. My mother raised me as a single-parent until I was 11. Then, I moved to Canada with my father and his wife and their daughter. My mom was a very emotional person. The divorce destroyed her. I knew I was different than other kids since very young age. I had to "take care" of my mother's emotions. It happened that I did not know why she got so angry or upset suddenly. I felt that sometimes, I had to act like an adult and she the little girl who needed comfort. With my father, its a lot worse. I grew up like a Cinderella, no exaggeration. My stepmother is the most cold-hearted person I've never seen. I've been called names, I had to make dinner every night for the whole family, I had to babysit my half-sister... Basically, I had to obey to everything they say. They just ignored my needs. I feel like I have been emotionally abused my whole life. I just want to be "carefree". I cut off all communication with my father last year after another trauma. I still talk to my mother but we don't see each other often, because we don't live in the same country. However, my mother is a professional at playing the victim. She forces me to be like a husband, a mother as well a daughter to her. There's a lot of weight on me. Indescribable! I know it's gonna break her heart, but I won't ever live with her. I won't bring her to Canada. Sorry, mama & papa. I love you both as my parent but I really hate how you've made my life so complicated.
If they did not care, if they were prepared for retirement, why should I not be able to retire? I was here for my mom as she needed me but her final "hurrah" was to go out and buy a brand new car when she had one that was only a few years old. And then went on to alienate me move to another state and wonder why I was not there for her. I tried but she just kept pushing the boundaries. At least I was at least as good of a son as she was a mother. At least we had one great last visit and she got to see her brother that she had not seen in over 25 years. Love you mom!
In my case, I was raised in a household, myself and my two siblings being overseen by incompetent, borderline abusive parents. To make our matters worse, this household's has never been higher than $10K/yr, so I am very well used to living in poverty. I am 18 years old, and my parents have given implicit hints telling me they want me to take care of them once I have finished college and landed a decent job. Knowing my parents, this 'care' I would be giving them would turn in to what one could compare to a master-slave type of relationship, and this is completely unacceptable. I have been talked down all my life and will not have any more of it. With all this said, I feel as if it is only my duty to escape the stronghold I have been subjected to for the majority of my life and to do what I plan to do with my life.
Google John Pittas. This gentleman in Pennsylvania was sued for $93,000 by a nursing home that took care of his mother for six months (and ONLY six months). He did not ever agree to be responsible for her bills. She was there to recover from a car accident. While in the nursing home, she applied for Medicaid but was denied. After discharge from the nursing home, she left the country to live with other children elsewhere. Because laws in PA make adult children responsible for elderly parents’ unpaid medical bills, the courts have ruled against Mr. Pittas. He is only 47 years old and did not spend his young years planning to have a $93,000 bill dropped into his lap at this time in life. His mortage is not paid off and he has a wife and children to support. He’s supposed to tell his wife and kids to fend for themselves so that he can spend all his money paying off his mother’s bills? How is that fair or reasonable? Those of you who think that adult children should be held financially responsible for the care of their parents should ask yourselves if you would like a bill for $93,00 to present itself to you when you are his age. Suppose his mother hadn’t left the nursing home and needed to be there for five or ten years. Is he supposed to be responsible for paying a bill for $93,000 every six months for the next ten years? Lots of people have parents with something chronic like high blood pressure diabetes who smoke, don’t take their medicine, don’t exercise, and eat whatever they want. When they end up getting the complications of these diseases and needing dialysis and or get one or more limbs amputated, they won’t be able to live independently. Are their adult children supposed to have their own financial futures hijacked to pay for this, simply because their adult parents decided to make bad choices for decades? Remember, that $93,000 bill that Mr. Pittas faces is only for six months of care. People who are suffer from chronic illnesses etc often need care for much more that six months. Their children are supposed to have to pay for all this? Please! That’s not reasonable.
Many of us younger adults are getting by, but with only a small amount to put away in savings. We have frugal lifestyles, which is what lets us cope with the cost of living. There isn't enough left over in that check to pay for somebody else's nursing home. You can't spend the same dollar twice. While I frequently shop at thrift stores and dollar stores, I still have to spend SOMETHING to clothe and feed growing children. The notion that somebody would try to attack my bare bones budget to tell me I somehow have to pay a nursing home bill for another person is really galling. It's also unrealistic. I could never take from my child to spend that money on another person, even though that person may be a parent. While it's not the case in my own family, I know of a lot of baby boomers who have lived their lives as materialistic people who just had to have the biggest this and the latest that. They now have decided that, since they saved nothing, their children should somehow be stuck with the bills for their care. Think about the annual bill for a nursing home. If that bill were instead the annual bill for a college, I'd be telling my child to either find a cheaper college or find a way to make the money fall from the sky. That kind of a bill is just not in my budget, and trying to affix it to my budget is highly unjust. Furthermore, I cannot simply stop working to stay home and care for an aging parent, because then there would be no income to pay for my mortgage, utility bills, etc. Also, I cannot spend but so much time taking care of a sick elderly person because kids have to be taken to and picked up from activities, they need help with their homework, time with their friends needs to be supervised, etc. Kids do not ask to be be born; they are allowed to have first dibs on my time. This is no longer 1940 when most elderly died before they developed advanced dementia, needed dialysis, or got other time consuming and expensive conditions that come along with living longer and longer. Many young and middle aged adults don't live near their parents because jobs have forced them to move. Unless the government plans to pay all my living expenses now and all my retirement expenses later, plus make sure my kids have money for college and living expenses during college, they have no business trying to saddle me with somebody else's nursing home or medical bills whose costs exceed what most people pay for college. I will do what I can for elderly parents if they ever need my help, but I cannot spend the same dollar twice, nor can I be in two different states simultaneously.
My mother in law (of 30 years) has never been kind to me. We have supported her emotionally and financially for 30 years. Now I am 67, my husband 60 - he has ALZ and I have lupus. We are helping to pay for an assisted living for her but she insists she wants to leave and live at "home". We just physically can't do it anymore.
No! We are struggling financially, our house is being foreclosed...We can't find jobs so we need to move out of state to get back on track & eventually get another home...Hub's parents lay on the guilt so hub feels extra guilty about leaving......Yet not 1 bit of help has ever been offered to us from them....They can't put their own trash out or get their own mail from the mailbox outside..Their neighbor does this for them every day.....They spend money like crazy yet have never offered 1 cent to help us....Even hubs sibling tries to make us feel guilty ...We have to do what we have to do....And I just don't understand why they can't get it......Wait because "it's all about me" it seems.......We are not getting any younger and I am tired of the manipulation that my hub fails to see happening on their part.........So we are supposed to not get our lives back on track financially because *gasp* we have to move away to do so.........I am not willing to put our own lives second just because of their "needs"...They don't seem too concerned about our situation one bit, yet we are made to feel like crap because we have to do what we have to do......
I have saved hard and saved a bit to help me now I am retired. My father is 92 and has never bothered to save - so are you saying I should contribute the small amount I have to fund his care?His age group were told they would be cared for from the cradle to the grave!
If you love your children you should not be a burden on them just because you have birth to them and supported them for few years - it does not mean you can retire early and just depend on your children for rest of your life. Every adult first should take care of his future and then only he should have kids, kids can have their own lives otherwise its like born into slavery.
It's our parents, without them we wouldn't be here, simple. However, not everyone can financially support themselves, let alone their parents. In addition, some children were abused, why should they have to look after their parents when they got abused? They should not have to because they were abused unnecessarily.
I think it depends on the situation. If children want to take care of their elderly parents, it should be up to them. My sister and I have been in this situation now for 12 years. Growing up our dad was an angry person who cheated on our mom. Life in our house was dependent upon what kind of mood he was in. Our dad had a serious accident many years ago and since then whenever he has a health problem, all life comes to a screeching halt because my sister feels guilty and expects his care to be 100 percent perfect. I quit my job after the accident to be there taking care of him and spending time with him and that's what happens every time there's a health problem. After all these years, I'm sick of putting my life on hold for him. I would never in a million years expect my son to put his life on hold for me later in my life.
I notice that those who say YES are those whose parents took good care of them as children. Today, people generally have the ability to save for their retirement, and unfortunately there are many who make little to no effort in this direction and then expect that their grown children will support them. I have a mother who raised me well, with love and hard work, who later saved for herself. If her funds run out, yes I would be delighted to help her. My father on the other hand did very little to support me as a child, was a source of constant pain, since he is a narcissist, and as an adult made no effort whatsoever to save for a rainy day, let alone plan for his old age. I will never support him or help him when he is old.
I am an only child. I lost my job and any quality of LIFE because of care giving for my mother. I had no idea whatsoever what I was getting into. As soon as I got in here, she started demanding money on top of care giving, and sucked the majority of my pay checks and tax returns for her own gain. I not only had to care for her, fix her meals, wash her, toilet her, change her clothes, do the shopping, do the yardwork, the housework, the cooking, etc, etc, etc, but I had to pay HER for my servitude!
I lost my very good job due to absences related to my mother's health, and endless doctor's appointments. The last 5 years, when her Alz/dementia got so bad, it's been 24/7 care around the clock, by myself, with minimal help from my oldest son. I feel like an unappreciated, unpaid servant! She's been in respite care for a month or so due to a fall. For the first time in 5 years I finally made it to a doctor myself, being to damn mentally and physically exhausted from endless 24/7 shifts to bother going... My blood pressure was so high the doc ordered an EKG, which turned out to be totally abnormal, which led to an ultra sound to make sure my heart wasn't about to explode. The stress and anxiety are through the roof dealing with my mother, my God, it's absolutely ungodly. Now they're releasing her from the facility...And I don't want her back! I had already made plans to move out of her house, get my own life together...Only to be told that if I refused to continue caring for her, I could be in trouble with the law! I mean, what?
My mom has narcissistic personality disorder. She's always been an abuser. At the facility, she behaves. At home, it's a nightmare. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I want OUT and can't get out! I'm afraid if I leave, they'll come after me for breaking the law! All of her assets are in my son's name, so I can't even sell anything to put her anywhere, and he won't hear of it. So, once again, instead of freedom and life, I get lock down and prison, because that's exactly what care giving has become for me. I have committed no crimes, but I feel I've literally been FORCED to be my mom's care taker, and the hell with the fact that I want out, and the attitudes seems to be that the cost to my own health and well being and life means nothing. It's the elder that matters. Beautiful.
I had no clue if I simply chose not to do this job anymore that I could be held liable! It's insanity at it's finest. Without my son being willing to sell some of her assets to place her, I'm like a rat in a trap, and there's no way out.
Care for the elderly should be a national insurance like Medicare. As long as they have resources for their own care, they should provide it, but after that it is unreasonable to force another adult to care for them. Elderly parents can have hugely varying levels of need and care can be extremely expensive. Most working adults today have little to no retirement savings of their own as it is. What about the children's current responsibilities like mortgage, college tuition for their children, their own health care? Paying tens of thousands of dollars annually for years for elder care would financially break most people. What happens then when the baby boomers have gone broke paying all their savings (which many have little savings to speak of) before they are elderly and need care? Do we expect their children who are often tens of thousands of dollars in debt already for ever more expensive college loans to pay? It's a recipe for guaranteeing most people will be driven into poverty as the baby boomers age.
This scenario also assumes that the children have some choice as to what happens to the parent, but children do not automatically have guardianship. The parents retain autonomy. The parents chose what will happen even when they have advanced dementia. There are no agencies which assign guardianship of an elderly parent to their children. If a parent refuses to move out of their home even as health deteriorates there is nothing you can do. Many children don't even live in the same state since people move for jobs. Unless the system changes so that children have guardianship over parents much like a person would have over their own children, it is not right to expect them to be financially responsible for a situation they have no say in. My father's mother refuses to move out of her house despite health problems as senility. She threatens suicide at the mention of a nursing home. Doctors have declared her unable to live alone due to her mental condition, advanced Alzheimer's and vascular disease. She has never signed a POA, and refuses. We've called adult protective services, and they say my father can't do anything, can't force her into a home legally. He has no authority. Adult Protective Services apparently has no authority over her. Don't do anything. He doesn't even live in the state due to his job. How could he be held responsible when the system doesn't give him any authority to make choices? As long as she is considered legally autonomous when it comes to decision making, she should be responsible for her own care just like any other adult, not her children. We are very worried for her well being but have been blocked by the system at every turn from protecting her against her own bad choices because she is considered an adult. As an adult, she must be considered responsible for herself then.
My parents did the bare minimum for me. I couldn't wait to move out of their house. My dad was always angry and stressed. He was also very stingy so we were always in financial pressure. My mom was always focused on herself and her parties. She would keep telling me I have to get married and that's my only way to freedom and a better life. I tried to understand their situation and not hold a grudge on the situation they had put me through but I never thought they would come to me and expect me to take care of them. They don't expect anything from my sister. They feel sorry for her all the time but they expect so much from me. I love them but I'm angry that they expect so much from me when they did the bare minimum as parents. Caring for your kids is an instinct. So they did it by instinct the same way we are willingly doing it without hesitation. Caring for parents is not an instinct so they should not be expecting this.
I'm actually not 100% sure how I stand on this issue, as it is a huge issue. I am in my mid 30's and have been left with a disabled mother to take care of. My mother is in her early 60's and is still mobile on her own, but there are many normal tasks that are hard for her to do. My father and she separated and he left her to live in a foreign country. The reason why he left is that she, though very loving and well meaning, is fairly manipulative and can be rather difficult to deal with. Of course there were also financial problems and she has not been left with a lot of money. I am sure that without my financial help, she will be bankrupt in a few short years. The problem lies in that I really want to help her, but can not possibly give her what she wants to make her happy. She is very pick and rarely ever pleased with things, she has been this way with me all my life. I currently live near her and do what I can but I myself am unemployed and in the midst of a bankruptcy and a divorce. I am in desperate need of a job, however, finding a job where I currently live is nearly impossible. She knows this and does not want me to leave her alone. However, if I do not work I can not help her with money. If I move back in with her, which is what she most desires, I may not be able to find work for a very long time and we will struggle with money. On top of that she will try to run and take over my life. I've not lived with her for over 10 years so the transition would be a very difficult one for me. I am trying to find a balance between having a life of my own and helping her out. As I want to help her. I , however, do not feel that I owe her my life, just because she cared for me and chose to have me. In her mind it is my obligation to take care of her and she can not have a conversation with me about this without getting defensive, trying to make me feel guilty and lashing out at me. I can not seem to make her understand that unless I receive some miracle from God, that I will not be able to fix her declining health, the matter that my dad left her, her finances, and the fact that I can not be there for her as much as she would want me to be. I know that at this point, most likely not matter what I do, it will not be the correct thing and it will not be enough. I have to hope for middle ground and hope fore a miracle!
Whenever parents dont save for their retirement, not because they are physically handicapped, but because
they rather socialize with neighbors and relatives, and waist money on unproductive things, those parents are not worthy to be cared for. Its called adulthood. Adult children should not be kept responsible for their adult
parents lack of financial education. Ignorance is not an excuse. If that were right, we should pay for their credit card debts also. Lets not stop there, why not keep adult children responsible for their adult parents lost lawsuits. Hey there is more than one way to keep your children in the gutter...
If we want life expectancy to rise then give it to the young. India is a good example. By focusing on the young now instead of the old life expectancy has increased by 20 years in about 50 Years. Also they will feel out of place. Look how much the world has changed.
We have tried to care for our mother with Alzheimer's disease. No one can talk unless they step in others shoes. To demand someone to care for their elderly parent who refuses to eat and then be to blame is not the answer either. Also, an elderly who also hits you or puts you down is not good and it takes the joy from anyone away. We feel like our hearts are in pain and burden to the point of getting sick. We also have small children who see her act in this manner. This is not healthy for us or our families. It is also a marriage breaker. I will not talk about anyone because all parents are different with different mood swings. I will not judge those who has to make the decision to place parents in a nursing home. You can care for them in such places. I am not saying to abandon them. For those people who talk about no resources or help in other countries; this is true but, do you know if they are also dying of diseases and neglect? Do your research. I can't live in a depression state and neither can my siblings. We tried our best to care of my 79 year old mother. We are trying to hold on taking care of her but, it is very, very difficult for all of us. You are not here wiping our tears. I appreciate you placing yourself in our shoes.
Parents will take advantage of their children especially if they have a generous one. Refuses to look for a job because they could just lay down, watch TV and beg money to pay the bills and demand for an allowance. Most of them thinks at the back of their mind that children should be responsible for them because they nurture them since they were born. It's nobody's mistake having children. Nobody is responsible but you as a parent and don't ask for any payback to your adult children. Your children was not in any way involve in your family planning decision. So deal with it. Too bad I'm just so abused financially.
If a person has not lived with their parents for many years and finds them difficult to get
on with, they will find the responsibility of taking on elderly parents very stressful indeed. I am 55, work full time and have young adults living at home too. I think it is fine for those people who have plenty of time/money and space but lots of us don't, so don't judge us.
Adult children have their own responsibilities and shouldn't be expected to put those aside to care for a parent. A child can still be supportive of their parent if they are open to it by helping them find a place to live where they can receive the care they need and still maintain their own independence. That way both child and parent can continue to live their own lives.
Social Services expect me to care for elderly parents, despite living over 100 miles away and being disabled myself (I have my own carer!) My experience has been to witness an exercise of 'pass the parcel' as their case got handed around professionals before I was told I was on my own to sort out their needs myself.
No, we should be focused on our personal life, building our future instead of being stuck in this kind of swamp. Old parents can easily ruin lives, goals and dreams. It may be cruel, but sometimes people feel regret when they don't realize their dreams. They blame parents for the missed chance.
Responsible is the wrong word. In some cases, the elderly parent has abused their adult child in the past, and may continue to do so. If caring for a parent will put the adult in danger of being re-victimized, the the elderly parent should make other arrangements and have no expectation of care by their victim. If the relationship is not dangerous to the adult child, then the adult child will most likely feel that caring their parent is the right thing to do.
My mother is 60 now and showing signs on dementia. She had brain and lung cancer years ago and the illness has forced her to age faster. I and my brother and being forced to care for her more and more. Every person she encounters she has to give her life's story and they all say the same thing; "Your children should take care of you". It's all I hear and she constantly reminds me of that and all she did for me as a child. The difference is that she CHOSE to have me. She made the decision to have children as every parent does. Whether the child they raised was planned or a happy accident, they still made the choice to be a responsible adult. I did not choose to be her caretaker, I am FORCED into it by a social sense of familial obligation. I love my mother but I haven't liked her for years. I understand that we will all get old, but I pray to God that when I am old if I ever have children that I will not EXPECT them to put the brakes on their young lives simple because mine is coming to an end. Children are meant to be brought up and sent off to continue the bloodline and have children of their own. It is a natural progression. Having to take care of old parents is kind of a retrograde motion. The elderly should be put in nice places where people are paid to give them great care. It's crazy expensive but it shouldn't be. Every child has to go to school and it's free (except private ones of course) therefore places for the elderly should be made more affordable since they are a necessity.
We all have our own lives and responsibilities. I work full time and have three children, if I had to give up work we would be homeless, it is up to parents to arrange their own future care when they are well enough to do so. I am not close to my parents and never have been, I had an unhappy neglected childhood.
In my opinion, caring for your parents is generally a sweet idea. If they where good to you, and they supported you mentally and financially, then I think it should be entirely up to your mental conscience on whether or not you want to care for them. My first reason for this is what if you have your own family to support and you just don't have the money? My second reason for this is what if they are perfectly capable of caring for themselves, but they are lazy or feel like they can take advantage of you? My third reason for this is what if they where abusive or denied you their love or where irresponsible parents or favored one of your siblings over you? My fourth and finale reason is what if you have your own ambitions in life and they are in the way or are a burden? This is my stance and opinion.
There are a number of reasons why children shouldn't be held accountable for taking care of the parents such as bad personal or financial decisions on their part, an already hectic lifestyle, bad relationships... Parents should have planned for their eventual care in advance and the gov't makes allowances for such situations. Part of having children is letting them go make their own way in the world and being obligated to care for someone would severely interfere with one's plans. I personally don't intend to care for my parents and I shouldn't have to.
I recently moved my dad in with me after a brief illness. He has been irresponsible with money over the years and squanders what he has on junk food and crap that he hoards. In just six weeks he has made my peaceful home into hell. He wants to call the shots, tell me how live, and he insults my young daughter. He complains about the size of his bedroom (I moved my office/art studio to the garage to make room for him on short notice) and he whines about all of his stuff that I threw away. Social workers would not allow him to return to his apartment - think "Hoarders". I limited the amount of stuff he could bring but I was careful to keep things that seemed meaningful to him.
He is completely unappreciative despite the fact that I spent a full month of my taking care of his personal business while he was hospitalized, breaking my back cleaning out his filthy apartment, and rearranging my home to make room for him. And did I mention that he brought along a dog that nips my legs, pees everywhere and chases my cat? He is well enough to drive to get a haircut and shave, visit every pet store in town, and he has carried in a giant tub full of sodas that sit under his TV, but he claims that he can't take out the trash or recycling. Yesterday he flipped because we ran out of milk and he said he didn't have money to buy milk - yet he went to Denny's for breakfast.
He was not exactly a model parent and he should consider himself lucky that I speak to him - my other siblings don't. His gripe now is that I haven't done enough to make him feel welcome and comfortable. His expectations are unrealistic and he is always the victim. Everything is always someone else's fault. I wouldn't let my own husband treat me with such disrespect, so why should I let my father? He needs to go and the next time he needs help he can call on one of his other children. I'm done being his punching bag.
It's not a bad idea to take care of your elderly parent, but I feel they too have to take part-responsibility for themselves, rather than leaving it entirely for their children to take 100% responsibility for them, it then becomes too much of a burden on their children, who themselves have their own lives, as well as looking after their own children. Looking after our children is an obligation because we chose to have them, but taking care of our elderly parents physically, emotionally, and financially should be a choice as it places a huge burden on the adult children. A lot of people make very poor decisions/judgments in life with regards to their finances and expect their children to pay the price for their poor decisions. As much as it is a good idea to try and help, I honestly think they have to take a huge part of the responsibility.
My parents were and still are horrible to me. I don't want to have anything to do with them. Plus I plan on saving up all the money to spend on my own old age. I don't plan on burdening my child. I do not want to live that way.
There are plenty of resources to assist in taking care of your parents without bringing them into your home. They will destroy your life and your marriage, and absolutely don't care. I just got rid of a MIL who showed up to help with the baby for a month, and six years later the wife and I were on the brink of divorce before we forklifted her out of our home, never to return under any circumstance. Not only did she refuse to leave our home and never contributed a dime to her own welfare, along the way she handed $400,000 worth of real estate to her son and said 'Momma loves you sonny', and said she decided our house was a perfect place for her to live out the rest of her life. Her husband had passed away and she showed up when she was only 65. And its not just her. I just talked to my own father (79) who said he was handing everything he owns when he dies, to my brother, because 'he needs it more than you'. That should be about 250K that goes to a lazy 50 year old loser pothead. And the husband I read about above who said he learned his lesson, "ABSO-FREAKING-LUTLEY". Doctor's are keeping old people alive forever these days, and if you let them into your home for one second, they will never leave and they will ruin everyones lives. Help, but help from a distance, and make sure ALL the siblings contribute before you commit to a second of your time or a dime of your own children's money.
I am a 50 year old female. My parents are 78 and 76 with a bad attitude. When I was 14 years old I helped my sick grandmother who lived with us. At the age of 16 I helped my brother who was 3 years at that time- taking him from daycare, school, music lessons/homework...
At the age of 47 I realized that I have been used, my parents could get help for my grandma from someone else.
I am tired and I need to work myself... My retirement is not coming soon.
P.S. I have a husband and 24 year old son who does not know what to do in life...
Cuz, i just do, every child is also a human that deserve their rights, so they are not obliged to, and cannot be forced to look after their parents. Also, they may be ill treated by their parents since young, why must they support them when they do not care for the child in the first place.
First and foremost I don't believe saying, "they gave birth to you" adds weight to this argument. Having a child, adopting a child, raising a child was a decision an adult made as a part of making their own decisions and living their own life. It has no bearing on the child and using that as a defense to force that adult child to take care of aging parents is irresponsible and manipulative. Consideration of the adult child's life is cast aside when an aging parent expects full elderly care from the adult child. One should not be expected to put life, leisure or career on hold because the elderly parent decided for the adult child that they were expected to take care of them in old age rather than responsibly make arrangements and plans for that time.
We should HELP our parents, but to care for them can mean giving up our life. People don't really date others who "Still live with thier parents". We grow up, find someone, have kids and die; that's nature. To give that up, our chance at life, to care for our parents... Just seems to much. I am my mom's youngest child. In my family that means that i have to care for my mom. I grew up staying at home watching my older brothers and sister hanging out with thier friends, getting in relationships, having kids. When I turned 19 I moved in with a friend from work who grew up the same way. Im almost 28; i have a hard time socalizing with other. My ability to talk to a women is worse. The most i do is work and go home and its all because of how i was raised, and even though I love my mom, I still resent for that.
Having a child is a commitment that brings with it a ton of responsibility; however, I don't agree that parenting is a debt to be repaid by one's child, nor do I think any child should feel obligated to take on what may amount to an enormous physical, emotional, and financial responsibility of providing elder care for aging or incapacitated parents. There are long term care policies and other forms of financial planning that can and should be implemented by parents beforehand, so that the burden does not fall to one's family members. Many elders plan for their end years through careful estate planning and rear their children to be likewise responsible when their facing their own end of lifetime.
All adults need to take responsibility to put in place an aging care plan to relieve the burden of any individual caring for them in their later years. It is especially difficult for only children to bear the cost of time and money to act as caregivers. With the increased aging population, the responsibility needs to be a shared community response so that older people, no matter what their family circumstance, receive the best practice care in their final years.
The cry of the baby boomer: "Generation Y need to learn sacrifice... So I don't have to!"
My father's generation has created an economic system where approximately 75% of my earnings must be spent on housing if I want to be an owner occupier. I'll be too busy working hard for my wife and son to care about any of those self entitled, greedy, money grabbing baby boomers, including my parents. They created the economic system we live in and now they have to live the consequences of it in old age.
I am recently in a situation with my elderly mother who has lived with me the last 13 years. She is now 73. The reason she has lived with my husband and I was due to when her husband of 10 years passed away. I was taken away from my mother when I was 12 years old, due to her alcoholism and mental illness.
I was very close to her when I was younger and not understanding the full matter of why we were taken away from her. I always longed to be with her. I saw it as a good opportunity for her to live with me to make up for some very important years that we lost. We did very well together with her living with us until recently she has had kidney failure, COPD, Dementia and suffers from Manic Depressive disorder and Bi Polar. In the last few years I myself have become ill due to MS and Fibromyalgia and my husband works full time. She has no become combative and incompliant with my helping her with important things like, her medications, making appointments etc. The other day she prepared her own medication for the week and put double dosage of her Zyprexa in her medication box. She usually takes it at night only and this time she had it in the morning and the night. She also has stolen some of my controlled substance medication off and on the past 4 years and she will drink alcohol if she can find it. She also has very high anxiety and it is hard for her to deal with any company or family to come to my house especially if they have kids, like my grandson and nephews and nieces. I'm frustrated with the system here in NM. I feel like I am not being heard by the organizations I have reached out to thus far. I would appreciate any more advise from anyone who has had familiar situation or worse. I am long winded as I am writing this comment due to this is my first to be apart of something like this.
You can love your parents without liking them. I don't want someone in my home that I don't like. My home I keep neat, clean, quiet and curse-word free precisely because of how loud and dirty and coarse my childhood home was. I would be able to visit her in a nursing home once a week and still smile. I know I would never smile again if she were to be sitting in my home every night when I got off work.
In today's society many families are spread out across great distances, thus placing a large burden on one child if they live with them, instead of spreading out the burden across many family members like would have happened in societies in which everyone lived close together.
Also in today's society most adult women also work, this may have been different a hundred or more years ago, so to expect a woman to be working full time and raise a family and take care if aging parents is too much burden on one person and would make for an unhealthy situation.
I wish I could somehow force my mom to get out of her "need to care for her mother because when she dies she'll feel guilty" mentality. She (my mom, who is 61) herself is disabled, sick and every day getting worse...And her mother/my grandma looks like she is fine (for her age, 87). I try to make her stop taking care of my grandma, but she feels so guilty when she shouldn't. She's done all she can. There's not much left to do. Government doesn't help and by law here you can't put her in a facility if the person doesn't want it.
Grandma expects my mom to take care of her and she barely appreciates it. To top it off, my mom's brother is an addict who steals everything, even grandma's food/groceries and medicines. My grandma lives with him now because I convinced my mom it would be the best thing for her own sanity.
It kills me to see this situation. I am moving to another state a thousand miles away, hoping my mom will understand that this situation is intolerable and unhealthy, and will decide to follow me while leaving grandma behind. I will take care of my mom until I can, but not a second longer. When it's time and I feel like I can't take care of her anymore, my mom and I have agreed that I will place her in a facility for others to help her. I will still visit frequently.
I have seen my family be torn apart over this issue and I do not believe it should be the "children's" responsibility to care for parents, specially if they are sick themselves. There are limits to what can be done for others.
Parents are parents because they choose to be parents and take on the responsibility that entails. I did not ask to be born. In fact, if I would have been given a choice, I would have wanted to be aborted. ALSO, a person cannot give others what they don't have themselves (whether that be material or emotional). I can barely take care of myself and hate my life, how in the world would I be able to take care of someone else. I haven't had children nor will I have for that reason. The same applies to my elderly parents.
First my FIL, when I had to work to help pay our mortgage, and he had two daughters who didn't work, and then for one of those daughters (for 6 years). She is 20 years my senior and I didn't consider she deserved my care after letting me and my husband look after her father without any help. You get to feeling "hurry up and die and give me back my life," and this must make some people feel so guilty! My SIL, now 90, became too difficult to care for (would never do as she was told and wandered onto a 100km road, after being told to stay away from it, and had a fall) and is now in Cantabria and has never looked so good. They even managed to put weight onto her when I couldn't stop her losing. I hear so many stories like this: of elderly people being terrified of being "dumped in a home" but getting a new lease on life when they finally go to one.
A grown adult has no place taking care of another grown adult! And in most cases no matter if the child does take care of the parents, some parents have illnesses that require medical and professional intervention. So things like dementia can put a burden on the adult child if not handled properly. As parents begin to age the health issues get worse, remembering pills, taking diabetic shots, monthly drives to the doctors, urine and bowl problems. I've seen it all! It takes a toll on the family of the person taking care of the older parent. When you move them into your house. You have to be on call 24/7 even if your at work. Financial burdens also hurt too, because then you have to put in disability adjusted shower heads. Wheelchair costs, constant gauzes and IV's for medicine injection. Keep going and your basically running a hospital at that point.
My parents were fiscally responsible their entire lives, worked from nothing to be successful millionaires. My father adopted, dedicated his life to his country, and has seen the reward to his hard work and perseverance. My in-laws were spoiled brats from Pacific Palisades, CA and squandered all their money away. My MIL starved her children opting to buy frivolous things instead of feeding SOL and my husband. They are not nice people and do not deserve my compassion.
I am expected to care for my dad after my mom died last year. Her last words to me were "I hate you, get away from me"..I have been a good daughter and have spent most of my life trying to make my parents love me. Now that my dad is alone he wants me to care for him, he won't even get his own food.. So where is this leading? My mom and dad never visited their parents let alone took care of them. They were busy going on trips and doing what they want. No time for anyone. Recently I asked my dad why they did not take care of their parents? His answer was they were strange people and they had no time for them. Ok....My dad is as strange as it gets. When is it my turn? I am 54, my kids are grown finally and now I am stuck taking care of a parent. So I am finally going to get a life when I am 80? I need help in how to manage his horrible moods, his abusive words etc. I sold my house to move in with him to help him, now I am so stuck, so sad, so stressed..I HATE THIS!
While it's a lovely notion that your parents cared for you when you were in need and that you should return the favour, it's simply not feasible to present it as an obligation. Ultimately the elderly are responsible for their own care, and they had their entire lives to make the necessary preparations. Caring for an elderly person is a tremendous drain on time and money that the average working adult with a family cannot afford to spare, especially when they should be preparing for their own retirement.
My mother blew through her inheritance of $300,000.00+ from my deceased stepfather, then landed on my doorstep with nothing. To me, she's a stranger and I moved out of the house as soon as I was legally able to. Never really bonded with her. None of my siblings want anything to do with her either. My husband and I are currently paying her $850.00/mo rent. The deal was that she was to find assistance or subsidy or we would stop paying. Well, one year later, she hasn't lifted a finger. We're close to retirement age and can't afford to help her out anymore, and there's no help from anyone else in the family. Sorry to say, she's going to have to move out and either find assisted living or a state nursing home. She gets ~1500.00 per month in SS. Given that she only started talking to me (instead of about me) when she needed help. She was previously living with my brother until he couldn't stand it anymore. She played it as though she was afraid for her life and needed us to rescue her. Not knowing what was going on with her (she was in CA, we are on the east coast), we felt that we had no choice. Turns out it was all a lie and whatever she said about me to my brother has resulted in us not speaking to one another. For all the damage she's done and continues to do, I don't think that any of us should be responsible for her blowing a fortune on luxury trips, new cars, etc. And ending up in this situation - it's on her.
Elderly parent comes home, caretakers have no training in bed sore prevention, correct way to re-position, proper lifting, moving, feeding techniques, how to recognize dehydration before it is too late.
Medicare should pay for in home care instead of only paying for nursing home or rehab care.
Besides most caretakers for elder parents are over 55 themselves and no spring chickens.
I don't agree the adult children should be responsible for the care of their ailing elderly parents with or without exceptions: the most obvious one, is, if one's parents were horrendously abusive to them as children--that's a no-brainer, of course not. They should by no means feel obligated into caring or made to feel guilty by society's cultural norms regarding it. With the other exception, adult children have their own lives to live, and if their parents were loving, wonderful, caring parents, then, maybe, their children would consider caring for them; but, if they don't want to, that's fine too, and they should not be made to guilty nor obligated into doing so. That's why Nursing and elderly retirement organization were created. Society is aware that in some cases elderly individuals will need care and that they will not have the support of extended family members. And these facilities are great solutions for dealing with these issues. For those who balk at the idea of adult children placing their elderly parents in nursing facilities, I suggest that they walk a mile in their shoes first and then criticize them.
My parents refused to play and care for themselves. They cut me off when I was in college and I've had to fend for myself as an adult. They saved nothing for retirement. Why should I be responsible for them when they provided no help to me? Why is their lack of planning my burden?
The system can't force parents to keep their own kids, so how can you force people to keep their parents? If their kids go broke, can't afford rent or whatever, he parents don't have to take care of them. Even if the kids are underage, all a parent has to do is put the child on the curb - they're not obligated to take care of them, so it's unethical to make kids take care of their parents.
Because sometimes you need to take care of your wife or Kids some people barely have the time to go see there family member. I think the good thing is to put them in the nursing home.
Another Reason why because elderly get sick fast and they fixing to have a heart Attack,and there is no one there to help them
The way I see it, unless you die young, we are all going to get old. We all know it's coming and we should, as responsible adults, take care of business: Set up retirement savings, buy long term disability insurance, down size your home and get into a residence that you can manage when you're in your 70's or 80's. Why should it be your kid's responsibility to take care of you when they have their own life, job, home, family to care for? I have a perfect example in my own family. Two sisters - one is my mother the other my aunt. My mom was a party goer. When she worked and had some money, she spent it all instead of saving in a 401K or other retirement fund. Now she's old and sickly and her funds are limited. She went through 2 divorces and became bitter towards men. She made poor choices. My aunt married her 2nd husband and they have been together 60 years now. My uncle worked hard but had to retire early because of disability. He and my aunt worked and saved. They built a couple of homes over the decades and sold them to move up financially. My uncle did a lot of the work himself to save money. In their 60's they decided to give up the house and yard work and move to a senior condo. Today they are 82 and 81. My aunt has Parkinson's now for about 7 years. My uncle has had a couple of bouts with cancer over the past 10 years, but they are doing pretty well. Well enough to take day trips and go bowling once a week. They have money to do these things because they planned 30 or 40 years ago. They kept active despite their illnesses and are going strong. My mother on the other hand, did not worry much about her future. Now she is struggling because of health issues. She lays around a lot and complains how everything is so hard. She smoked for over 40 years and to my knowledge still sneaks a smoke even though she has emphysema! All that nicotine has robbed her bones of calcium. Her back has degenerated, her teeth have fallen out. Her sister (my aunt) is 3-1/2 years older but could pass for 10 - 15 years younger. Basically my aunt & uncle planned and have a good life and don't expect anyone to take care of them. My mother did not plan well. She now complains about her poor life, which I believe she created. Everyone gets old. Lots of people have illnesses. I am 55 and my husband is 62. We don't want to baby sit my 78 year old mother. It's ironic that my mother thinks everyone should take pity and give her handouts, she never helped or supported her own mother before she died.
Adult children shouldn't have to be legally or financially responsible for their parents unless they want to. I don't know where these "filial responsibility" laws came from, but I don't ever remember voting them into law and I think 3/4 of the voters would have voted that down. Also, if you have the resources to take care of your parents, it's ok and if you have a home where there are other family members present who can help out so that you're not alone and isolated taking care of an elderly parent, than that's a different story. But you shouldn't risk your own health and finances to take care of your elderly parents and they shouldn't be selfish enough to expect you to. And I don't believe that adult children should be forced to pay for their parents' elder care. That is, unless the parents turned all of their assets over to the kids. In that case, the kids should be responsible, not the taxpayer. But, unfortunately, most parents, like my mother, have to draw down all of their assets, i.e., sell their homes, use up IRA funds, sell stocks, etc. Once they become impoverished, then they should be able to use their monthly social security and pension checks to pay for elder care and let what those checks don't cover be subsidized by the government. In other words, if you only get $2,000 a month in social security and pension and your nursing home if $4,500 a month, the $2,500 should be subsidized once you've used up all of your assets to pay for the home. After all, my mother worked all of her life and taxes came out of her paycheck so that indigent people could have welfare, food stamps, Medicaid, housing vouchers, et al, while she didn't get to take advantage of any of these services because she wasn't indigent. Once you've become indigent because you've drawn down all of your assets, it's your turn to be subsidized. Grown children shouldn't have to be forced to quit their jobs early and/or put their own financial security in jeopardy in order to subsidize their parents. Chances are, their parents subsidized other indigent people all of their lives through their payroll taxes. Now they should be subsidized. The costs of these assisted living/nursing home-type facilities are outrageous. It's ridiculous that you have to pay more for food, housing, et al in your old age than you did in your prime working years. My mortgage and living expenses certainly don't total $4,500-$6,000 a month now. Why should they in my old age?
I willingly took care of my father during his illness with cancer. I loved him dearly and would not have put him in a nursing facility, however, it was a struggle. I had to juggle my job, his many doctor's appointments, taking care of his meals, his very large home and yard, my home and yard, and my marriage. I am glad I did it and it was just for a few years. My very elderly mother-in-law (93) has been a widow for over 40 years and we have been helping out with her needs for a lot of those years. She is now requiring more and more of our time and money with no end in sight. Luckily, our children are grown and self-supporting but my husband and I are 70 and have a small income. What money we have saved is for emergencies and to help with college for our three grandchildren. I think there comes a time when the needs of children should be prioritized above the needs of the elderly. We are spending more time caring for the elderly than raising our children.
It's parents' choice to have children, not children's. If these parents did a great job at raising their children, by turning them into great people who actually realize how much these parents actually influenced their life with immeasurable support and wisdom, then that's a good reason for adults to return the favor to their parents. However, I am one of the unlucky person who were raised for nothing but as a future moneymaker for them. They persuaded me to pick the career with most money, even if I don't like it, so they can brag about it with their friends. When I was 17, my mom even told me that they wanted me to buy a house and expensive stuff for them when they're too old to make money. Is that a healthy reason for parents to raise children? To make their children as nothing but future money makers for them instead of making money on their own? Elderly parent's care is not something that you're expecting from your child. It's voluntary. When you, as parents didn't get anything from your son/daughter, then it's time to retrospect and see who's fault it actually is before it's too late.
Parents should take the steps to be financially responsible for their future care. Children of the baby boomers and older are trying to take care of their own needs and futures. It is a burden that no child should have to deal with. I have a 85 yr. Old mother I am helping my sister care for at home. I am married and have quit my job to help keep my mom at home. I am 50 yrs. Old and have my own retirement and future care to think of. It is terrible to think that my future is in jeopardy because of my mother's inability to plan for her future.
Whether one adult family member should take responsibility for another adult family member should be just that--a family matter and a family decision. It isn't something the law should be getting involved in. In many families, it is wonderful if adults can help support their aging parents--but it all depends on their own ability to do so and whether it is appropriate given the family relationships that have been cultivated over many years and decades.
For the law to get involved in trying to legislate this is wrong on so many levels I don't know where to start. I'm in my forties and I've seen too many of my peers--in my age group--literally give up everything that they've worked for for decades to go and take care of an aging parent. This seems to me to be an increasing trend and one I don't see as healthy. Previous generations may have taken care of the elderly but they didn't do so at the price of the complete sacrifice of their careers. At least I didn't see that happen in my own family. My parents loved my grandparents dearly and kept an eye on them, but they also made clear that they weren't going to sacrifice all of their own hopes and goals to take care of my grandparents in their later years.
The situation with an elderly parent also can't be compared to that of them having taken care of the kids when they were children. With children, it is the parents who make the decisions--for example, if the parents need to move to pursue job opportunities, then they do so. With elderly parents, too often the elderly parents seem to still expect to be able to live where they've always lived--without regard to whether it makes economic sense to so--ie whether there are jobs for the adult children in that location.
The economically dependent members of a family should live where there are good career opportunities for the economically productive members of the family. Too often it doesn't work out this way when adult children try to take care of elderly parents. When the entire life of a family seems to revolve around keeping the elderly parents living somewhere where there are no jobs for the younger generations, it can ruin the family economically. That isn't healthy for the future of the adult children or the grandchildren--and the elderly are supposed to want their children and grandchildren to have good lives.
We can all say how wrong it is not take care of our parents. Even i want to take care of my parents but it should not be imposed on anyone and make it social convention.Look at the nature,all the species in this world leaves their parents and never comeback once they can live on their own. We are among them. Humans have become too emotional beings with overly marketed world.
If a child has a good relationship with their parents it is only natural to want to provide some type of care however even in ideal situations this may not be possible due to parental mental health issues, financial issues of either the parent or the caregiver, or any number of other circumstances.
The above just addressed the ideal. Moving on to opposite end of the spectrum, if even in ideal situations it is not always possible to be responsible for an aging parent, it absolutely can not be assumed as expected if the parent themselves were poor caregivers while the adults were originally children. This is why we move forward as a species via generations. The focus needs to be on helping the next generation and while you don't want to forget about the previous generation, as a part of the elderly parent's original responsibility for themselves they should have provided for their own care, and if that is not possible, then society as a whole needs to share that burden as a common role of a properly functioning society, not play games with a hit or miss coverage that individual relationships bring to the table. Not to mention, we can no longer sustain simply having children as a retirement contingency for care. The planet can not sustain this kind of growth.
Dear Yesses, the problem with this question is the word "should" which imply obligation.
Lots of statements on the Yes side are of people who Want to care for their parents, and this is just fine and good. HOw would you feel if the question was reversed? What if the question was: "Should adults be forbidden to care for their elderly parents? What if you Want to care, but there are lots of people saying that you should be obligated not to?
It wouldn´t be fair. The same happens when people say that adults who Dont Want to take care of their elderly parents should do it wether they want it or not.
This is the problem with this question.
Also, I wish to point out that some people on the Yes side never had the experience of taking care of an elderly person. I can guarantee it is a tremendous burden which can destroy your life, your carreer, your relationships and your health. Especially if you have to do it yourself and do not have resources to hire help.
If someone on the Yes column has children, take the time to plan your future so that you do not wreck their lives later on. There are no words to describe the suffering and despair that comes with providing end-of-life care. Noone should ever be obligated to go through that unwillingly.
Responsible and loving parents who took good care of their kids until adulthood naturally should be rewarded in their old age by having their children take care of them. But too many people who don't deserve to be parents are parents and left their children emotionally, physically, and mentally scarred for life. My parents happen to be just that. In about 15 years when their health declines and old age catches up to them, I will not be around to take care of their mess. They have given me nothing but pain and suffering, so the only thing they'll face in time is KARMA.
If you did not have any children, then who would care for you? We as individuals should do our best to have things in place to be taken care of in old age; we cannot always depend on our children. I am 27, and already I am starting to see my parents' health slowly fading. If something were to happen, and they needed my help, I won't neglect them, but it's not fair for me to give up my life completley or sacrifice my savings if I ever decide to build a family of my own. It's great some people are willing to take care of their parents, but it shouldn't completley rule your life. Not everyone has the resources to properly care for their parents, especially with children of their own. Also, I am the oldest of two other siblings, both 16 & 12. I'd have to be there for them as well; I'm usually the go to person if my parents are unable to do anything for them. It would be a lot to handle, for all three of us.
It depends what you mean by responsible. If you mean making decisions because they don't have mental capacity and they have given you power of attorney then yes you are responsible in that way. As for being a full time carer and doing all the intimate personal care then NO. My parents are 86 & 87. They both have dementia and the memory span of a goldfish, but are currently still living in their own home and my sister and I are managing to keep them there because we see to the finances and do a bit of shopping and cleaning. We have carers going in 4 times a day to do the more personal care for my father who is immobile and incontinent. I am not comfortable with these strangers going into my parents house. However, I would not want to look after them full time or do some of things that the carers have to do. The conversation is repetitive and would drive me insane. I love my parents dearly and visit them every wk, but no matter what they have done for me I could not give up my job and become a carer for them. It would make me ill and put me in an early grave. My parents would not want this for me. I am at an age where I am starting to think I have to do/see things before I get too old or ill myself. Some people are comfortable with being carers. It's not for me. AND it will change your relationship with them and how you remember them after they've gone. I want to remember the good times without being fogged over by bad memories.
People live too long. I have known people who were in their seventies when their parent died. Can you imagine having to care for someone until you are in your seventies? It's horrifying!
Children should be able to live normal lives and visit their parents occasionally. Assisted living facilities should be viewed as a normal development by older people. There is nothing that can erase the image of you changing the diaper of your parent or parent-in-law. The day this happens (or something similar) the relationship is forever wrecked. If someone reading this has children, keep your dignity and go live in a nursing home once you can´t take care of yourself. A professional taking care of you is just doing his or her job. A son/daughter taking care of you is just humiliating to you and an immense burden to your child. And don´t say you took care of the child and this is why he or she owes you. It´s a pleasure taking care of children and seeing them grow up - and kids grow up quickly. It´s depressing to take care of parents or parents-in-law and seeing them getting worse day-by-day - and people age for decades. Plus, the good memories are destroyed and replaced by new sad memories.
My mom and dad are 79 and 80. There are 6 children in our family of which only 2 help with the care of my mother. She is 300+ pounds and has the starts of dementia and osteoarthritis, much caused by the excessive weight! Our parents think we should be there all of the time. My sister and I have family of our own, jobs, and I suffer from MS and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I function well at this point, taking meds and doing what I need to do to keep myself at the best of health. My doctors tell me that the stress of caring for my mother is not healthy for my issues. I try to talk to my parents about getting outside help and they refuse to have strangers come in. They also say they don't need that, they have us! Nice Hah? NEVER do I want my children to take away from their families someday to care for me. It would be nice to just "visit" and take meals to my parents, but when I am there, it is an 8 hour day! It is selfish and wrong! I am sorry I love them, but they are not thinking of anyone but themselves! Shameful!
I didn't help with the care of my elderly father. My stepmother took care of him. He was a self centered control freak who abandoned our family when I was young. When he died it was a relief and I didn't shed a tear. My mother will get more help from me to the point where I am able. I don't have the energy or stomach to do what some of these people are doing and so I won't. My son's father and I divorced leaving my son with deep emotional scars and he can barely force himself to call on mothers day although we care a lot for each other. Screw the healthcare system that is robbing people's dignity and our children's future. I am taking care of myself healthwise and when I can't do it any longer I will find a quiet place to go, lay down to sleep and go home to my Lord.