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DDO Hilarious - FanFiction

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12/15/2015 12:06:09 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
I am going to start without signups for the first episode because it does not feature the main character at all.

Episode 1 - The Before of the beginning of the origin of the... What the heck.

Long before the beginning, there was nothing.
Then, for no good reason, a spark appeared. (This is still long before the beginning)
The spark grew in mass, and grew brighter and brighter.
Then the beginning occurred.

The now-flaming ball exploded into billions of stars, atoms, stuff, etc.
Around the same time, a divine being was born from the remains of the spark.
His name was ChinkaChonka, but he went by the name God.
But now, all the stuff blasting away from the spark was going around crazily and doing nothing whatsoever.

So, ChinkaChonka created gravity.
All the bits and pieces started moving towards each other. They condensed into stars, which condensed into galaxies.
Some bits/pieces condensed into black holes, but that is unimportant until, say, the 4th or 5th episode.
And ChinkaChonka saw it was good.

Then, ChinkaChonka allowed stars to go through nuclear fusion.
This created heavy elements like iron, carbon, Lithium, boron, etc.
These condensed into asteroids, which zoomed throughout the universe.
Some of these asteroids smashed into each other near a certain star. This created a planet that we now know as Mercury.
More asteroids smashed together and formed planets that humanity (billions of years later) named Venus, and Mars, and Jupiter, and Saturn, and Uranus, and Neptune, and a dwarf planet which humanity eventually named Pluto.
And ChinkaChonka saw it was good.

Then, ChinkaChonka, with his divine power, created a planet between Venus and Mars, because he foresaw that it would be good. He named it Apollo. Humanity (which, again, would come a few billion years later) would eventually rename it Earth for no good reason, and ChinkaChonka would see that it would be good.

A billion years later, ChinkaChonka would finally name himself God. And he would see that it was good.

A few billion years after that, ChinkaChonka would put life on Earth and whatnot. Water, food, shelter, blah. That is covered in the Bible. You may choose to read it to find out what happens with Adam and Eve, but for now, fast forward a few million years into the future.

Humanity had gone through the How, why, and where phases. Now, humans were sophisticated.

God was now bored. So he made a human, and named her Rosalie. He planned to make her the queen of the world!
But first he needed a king of Israel, his holiest state, now run by bureaucracy.
And he had just the man in mind.
So, he said to Rosalie, "I plan to make you queen of the world. But first, you must do a simple task for me. You must notify the king of Israel that he should be the king of Israel, as right now he is in jail and he has had his heart broken. You also must help him on his journey to climb to that great height. However, you must not let anyone know about me. If the paparazzi found out about my existence..." God shuddered.
Rosalie agreed to the task, eager to become queen of the world. And so she appeared on Earth, ready to go to jail and free the king of Israel!
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12/15/2015 12:51:34 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
Episode two: How to go insane in 5087 easy steps!
Look above for the previous episode.

1989 - A man named happyhour was born.
1993 - A man named daytonanerd was born.
1999 - A man named FREEDO was born.

2013 - Where this story truly starts

FREEDO was walking down the street. He was a little annoyed; as his girlfriend (Whose name had been Eila S. Or) had recently dumped him. He walked to his house, opened the refrigerator, and took out a can of Coke. Pop. Slurp. Delicious. It wasn't enough to curb his pain of losing Eila

FREEDO got in his car, forgot the keys, got out of the car, grabbed the keys off the kitchen table, and got back into the car. Inserting the keys into the ignition, he reflected on the moment he'd lost Eila.

He was at her house. He'd knocked on the door. It seemed like no one was home. The door was unlocked, so he went in. Her parents weren't home either. FREEDO knew that his girlfriend would never have refused him a Coke or anything, so he went to her fridge and took a can of Coke out. Pop. Slurp. Delicious. He loitered around a little more, and then left. On his way out, he bumped into a valuable porcelain vase, shattering it into tiny fragments. FREEDO was scared, so he ran like he11.

The next day, Eila didn't show up at school. FREEDO wasn't really concerned. She often had a band lesson on a Monday.
The day after that, FREEDO still wasn't that worried. They didn't have any classes together on Tuesday.
On Wednesday, he grew a tad worried because they usually met up at lunch. She didn't show.
Thursday, FREEDO was practically panicking.
On Friday, FREEDO found out the truth: Eila had run away from home into the forest. Everyone presumed her dead, eaten by some horrible monster.
On Saturday, FREEDO spent most of the day moping around, despite his parents' efforts to get him moving.
On Sunday, he saw Eila in his backyard. When she noticed that he'd seen him, she made a saddish face at him, and then ran back into the woods.

That was the last day he'd ever saw her.

At the bar, FREEDO got out of the car, leaving his keys in the ignition. He planned to buy a beer and drive back home, to reflect on his own misery. Pushing open the doors, he'd knew he'd come to the wrong bar.

The bar was filled with large men with tatoos and stuff. Basically, your first impression of a bar. FREEDO passed a fat man with yellow skin and 3 hairs, Voxol and SM2 (the Phys Ed teachers at school) and Mr. Hayd (the art teacher at school). The bartender gave him a beer for free. "Newcomers get a free beer. Enjoy and then buy a full priced one." As he was leaving, he sipped his beer. It tasted sweet, with a hint of alchohol.

FREEDO got back in his car and drunk all of his beer. Then he started driving home. He figured the effects of the beer would kick in about 10 minutes after he'd drunk, and by that time he'd be home and free.

He overestimated.

Next thing he knew, FREEDO was in the back of a police car. Still drunk, he slammed open the car door and ran as fast as he could as far as he could. It didn't take him long to get caught.

A day later, he stood in court for murder. The judge sentenced him to life imprisonment. FREEDO gracefully accepted his punishment and was taken by a bulky police officer to his cell, which he would share with a girl about his age. FREEDO hoped it wasn't Eila. Fortunately, it wasn't. Instead, it was a woman named Sapphique. She looked like an innocent girl - until she shoved her knife up against FREEDO's throat, saying, "If you tell anyone I have this, you'll be killed with it, even if I die because of it."
FREEDO fell in love instantly.
She was so much like Eila! She was meanish, she was cruelish, she had everything! She even had that innocent girl look!
A few months later, FREEDO proposed.
She refused.
FREEDO's heart was broken.
At night, when Sapphique was scraping the mud off her shoe with a fork, FREEDO grabbed her knife and shoved her against the wall She cried and screamed, and soon enough, the alarms were blaring. "FREEDO. Stop" Sapphique pleaded to no avail as the pain and humiliation threatened to overwhelm her.
FREEDO shook with rage. He gripped the knife so tight that his knuckles hurt. "You broke my heart, Saph. So now, I'll break yours."
He lunged, jabbing the knife between Sapphique's ribs. Sapphique cried out. FREEDO stabbed again, and again, and again. Sapphique collapsed to the floor, bleeding out of every orifice, and gasped her final, bloody breath.
The prison guards arrived and, upon seeing the knife-wielding FREEDO standing over the bloody body of the inmate known as Sapphique, knew instantly what had happened.
"Seize him!" Cried the lead guard.
Grinning manically, FREEDO twirled his knife around and slit the throat of the first guard to reach him.
(This is what we call what insane people do. DON'T DO THIS!)
BANG! BANG! Two gunshots rang out.
FREEDO started bleeding from his leg, where two bullets lay lodged.
This is where Rosalie comes in.
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12/15/2015 8:05:19 PM
Posted: 3 years ago
Episode 3 - Rosalie returns!
Rosalie soared down with some fake angel wings that ChinkaChonka (god) had given her. Her magical staff in hand, she charged down and cast a powerful spell on the prison guards to make them fall asleep.

FREEDO stared, his mouth gaping. Then he lost his marbles and started stabbing the unconscious prison guards. When he stabbed one of them named Nonsense, instead of blood, a gush of oil came out, splattering FREEDO in his face. Then Nonsense's body started moving.

FREEDO screamed with fear. The human skin shed off, revealing a metal robot. Then, the robot grew to twice FREEDO's size. It was a Mecha-HTYT, a horrible machine made by the US government trying to destroy Russia! Rosalie muttered, "SH1T!" Then she vanished to become FREEDO's temporary guardian angel, and temporarily cured him of his insanity. However, when FREEDO remembered what he had done to Sapphique, and what had happened to Nonsense, he started having a nervous breakdown. Rosalie made him insane again.

FREEDO, with his insane mind, thought fast. He pried a brick out of the nearby wall and chucked it at the Mecha-HTYT's head. Of course, it did nothing physically, but it did confuse the giant robot. This gave Rosalie enough time to teleport inside the robot and make it do a system update. The Mecha-HTYT sat down and a robotic voice stated: "Do not turn off during update." Rosalie didn't plan to. Then she noticed that FREEDO had run off to who knows where.

Up in ChinkaChonkaLand (better known as HEAVEN), ChinkaChonka (better known as GOD) sighed. "This is turning into the shittiest_ day ever. Rosalie, get over there and find FREEDO! I do NOT want to have to find a new king of Israel!" Rosalie, intimidated by ChinkaChonka's sheer power, flew high over Valosa-City, looking for FREEDO. She finally located FREEDO near a very attractive (but empty) park

Meanwhile, FREEDO's close encounter with death drove him to the brink of insanity, and tripping on a soda can while trying to throw his knife at a relatively attractive woman drove him over the brink.
Translation: He went sane again.

As FREEDO's sanity returned, he stopped mid launch. The knife still in his bloody hand, he nearly went limp as every memory of what had happened, from Sapphique, to Rosalie, to Mecha-HTYT, came back to his now-sane head. Slowly, he turned back, staring at the can that had just tripped him back to sanity...and he was furious. The tall, scarred FREEDO, the type to resemble a hot dog that was swollen in the middle, began to stomp the can into the pavement, screaming in Hebrew as he did so.

Then he threw the knife into the woman's head.
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2/4/2016 12:53:15 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
This episode took me forever to write due to procrastinating, family problems, and bad reception of the previous two episodes. But I haven't proofread it. Give me another minute. Soon coming!
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2/4/2016 1:55:38 AM
Posted: 3 years ago
Here it is!
"Sweet Gillery Crackers!" shouted Rosalie. She jumped away from FREEDO as he tried to stab her.

Now, mind you, that FREEDO's non-insane mind, to some extent, was more dangerous than his insane mind.

For a few minutes, they engaged in a deadly game of cat and mouse, as Rosalie changed into a mouse to avoid getting stabbed by FREEDO's deadly knife when suddenly a crack rang out in the distance.

Both FREEDO and Rosalie froze for a second and turned toward the direction from which the sound seemed to have come. They listened with their ears for approximately 8 and a quarter more seconds when they heard a second crack ring out into the air. Then the sound of a machine gun, and then the sound of a high tech pulse cannon.

Rosalie hesitated. She had been to the future, the past, and the present. Pulse cannons had not been invented until year -23, when an idiot named InsertNameHere with an uncalibrated time machine went so far back in time he (or is it a she?) found a planet beyond the big bang that had pulse cannons, which was then destroyed by him/her accidentally hitting a big, beautiful button, all the colors of the visible spectrum plus that special spectrum used in microwaves. Unfortunately, the Big Bang occured and the knowledge of the pulse cannon was lost forever.

FREEDO ran towards the noises. Meeting a prison guard, he tried to kill FREEDO. But FREEDO was way too quick for him and stabbed his throat. Moving on, he halted. Because an abomination of horror stood before him. The Mecha-HTYT1! It had been updated to include a time machine, a flamethrower, a disk made of plutonium, a trash can, and at least 999 TV dinners. FREEDO knew this was the end. He couldn't possibly defeat a giant robot that could fire TV dinners with a machine gun and pick up the trash at the same time! He begged for mercy from God.


To be continued...

//I'm kidding. I wouldn't do something as cruel as that.
An odd computer hacker named yomama12 woke up at 3:00 PM. He brushed his teeth, rebooted his computer, and turned on the toaster.

Noticing a strange frequency on his hacked radio, he checked it. And it hacked his CPU to pieces. Literally.

Fortunately, he had at least 2 extra backup computers. Unfortunately, the toaster exploded. Fortunately, he didn't care. Unfortunately, his house was set on fire. Fortunately, he had a hose in his kitchen. Unfortunately...

Finally, he got his 2nd backup computer running and taking all the necessary precautions this time, checked the very strange radio frequency. He had the common sense to know that the program was trying to brainwash him, so he turned off the CPU. Then he grabbed his mechanized armor lying in his garage(what guy has mechanized armor in his garage? A smuggler? A really rich guy? A fictional character named yomama12?), and tried to walk out with it, but the armor wouldn't budge. Then he remembered to get inside it, and turn it on, and reload it with ammo, and feed it cold Chicago style pizza (even though they weren't in Chicago), and refill it with gas, and not dance the Twist, and walked off towards Junction 9 Street, where a horde of brainwashed zombie nerds was slavering for computer chips and disk cleaners.

Afterwards, a genius named UtherPenguin grabbed his lab coat and got into his car. Knocking aside zombie nerds as he went, he met up with yomama12 at Junction 9 Street, where his car turned into a tank with all the amazing features a nerd could wish for except for a pulse cannon, obviously.

Peepette, a waitress at the local bar, barely managed to escape the deadly fat zombie yellow nerd with 3 hairs and escape to her private hangar, the PeepCave. She grabbed a patented tube of Peepette's AntiZombie spray and sprayed her private plane, the PeepPlane. Then she sprayed herself. Jumping into the cockpit, she revved the engines and took off, flying through a waterfall and started battling the zombie pilot nerds in the sky with her twin turrets on top of her plane. Smashing through the flock of zombie crows/robins, and fighting off the evil zombie nerd airliners, she flew down to Junction 9 Street, to meet up with yomama12 and UtherPenguin.

As yomama12 was about to be overwhelmed by the sheer number of zombie nerds slavoring over his mech body, shots rang down from the sky. Then a giant bomb smashed aside another crowd, coming vaguely from a nearby street. What the f@ck yomama thought. Then, he saw Peepette's familiar plane circling above him, and UtherPenguin's awesome tank barrelling through a nearby bank, spraying money through the air. "Hey Uther!" shouted yomama12 with his mechanical voice. "Salut yomama!" broadcasted UtherPenguin with his light French accent. "I picked up a call from a street near here. Apparently - what the - SH1T!" UtherPenguin saw a giant rocket grenade blast up and smash the back of Peepette's plane. Then, a rain of bombs smashed UtherPenguin's tank. yomama12 looked and saw the two blistered and burned bodies fling out of their respected vehicles and land right next to each other. "NO!!!" shouted yomama12. He swore vengeance against this force that had so blatantly killed his best friends. yomama stormed off towards the direction where the rockets had come from - the same place where FREEDO was battling - no battling isn't the right word, barely surviving the Mecha-HTYT1. Just then, the Mecha-HTYT1 spotted Rosalie slinking towards him. He also used his radar sensor to detect yomama12's mech. The colossus seemed to grin wickedly as it launched homing missiles on all three of his opponents...


//Yes. I am that cruel. The next episode will come out later.