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Should I consider marrying her OR to move on?

Passionate_Fighter
Posts: 5
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1/1/2019 5:11:03 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Good day fellow good people, Compliments of the new season. My name is Colin, I am 22 years old and have been dating a girl for 4 months now.

The girl is 18 years old and still in school. She has been keeping our relationship a secret from her family (as she believes her family would dissaprove of her being in a relationship because she is a minor #too_young_to_date).

My relationship with the girl has evolved from strength to strength (in terms of sex, Communicating etc. ), And we have never had a serious argument or something to hold back our love, Except with her family. The only problem is with her family.

We would occasionally chat via social media and that's where our love began.

So I met her at a shopping complex, We exchanged numbers. Then as we would chat online, The chemistry as we chat would be amazing, Almost as if I had known her for years.

So I took her out for a date, After somedays we had sex couple of times around September. Then on October she became sick and was admitted in hospital, As she was diagnosed with apalestic amenia. I would visit her occasionally, And our relationship from then has grown to levels man.

Problem is, I would sometimes chat 'naughty' stuff with her. So her parents found out (after she was discharged from hospital), Read all our private chats, Called her names, Confiscated her phone, And now my girl was given a decision between ME OR HER FAMILY.

Now she hasn't responded to me in a week and a-half (on social media). I reckon she opted for the I have to obey my family's commamds. I mean, She still loves me, Beyond imagination. And I also love her, So much.

I want to marry her, But man. . . The money I'm earning is not even enough to substain the both of us.

I'm afraid the only way I can be with her is if I marry her.

She had said ***, 'she would gladly marry me at anytime and that her family will not negotiate anything less than marriage. '***

Yes I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, But I also want to get know her first. . . (in which I am not given a chance to get to know her? )

Should I get a better job and marry her as I am 22 years and her 18 years?
Or is there a better option?
Leaning
Posts: 2,625
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1/2/2019 9:32:56 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Well that's quite a situation. . . Have you talked to her family in any constructive way yet?
Passionate_Fighter
Posts: 5
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1/2/2019 3:43:52 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
I haven't spoken to her family just as yet.

All that I know is that, She comes from a proud family whom don't tolerate funny things (like dating) until she is at atleast a matured age after graduating from University (and this would be around her early to mid 20s, Which would be in three to five years or so).

I mean. . . Isn't 18 the legal age to do matured things like dating?

I assume that her family are worried about things like, Sudden pregnancy, A drop in academic performance, Whether she is matured enough to date, Risk of her having sex with possibly a jerk. . . Etc. Etc.

Damn man. . . I know they want the best for their daughter, But man, Aren't they trying too hard? Can't they see how matured their daughter is, Enough for them to trust her to date at least?

All that I know is that my girl is not free and that this is emotional abuse at it's core.

Man there are some nights that I cannot even sleep at night thinking about her. I miss her so so much man. . .

I just have to think of a way to win her family over, Like going to her Church and being an admin there, And then talking to her family. Lolz damn, AM I GOING CRAZY OR AM I INLOVE?

Please help guys
I feel miserable
Juris
Posts: 115
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1/2/2019 4:19:51 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
Marry her now then find a better job to support your family. You will eventually find a better job, But you cannot be sure if she"s still there for you waiting. If you are happy with her, Then marry her. That"s enough reason. Your happiness is all that matters. Do not worry of what might happen, You will cross the bridge when you get there.
Leaning
Posts: 2,625
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1/2/2019 4:38:40 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
If you did decide that you want to continue seeing girl, Then getting in contact with her family would probably be a good thing. They being a "proud family" would probably see it as a sign or your respect to them and their relationship with their daughter. Kind of that old
'Sir may I have permission to date your daughter? '
It would also aid in communication of the situation for yourself. Always easier to lose information the more people that act as in betweens.

If the case turned out to be that you had to wait several years to see her again, Due to your job or her parents and age. It is possible to view that in a positive way. If your feeling for her still exist, That there were attributes and qualities about her that made you wish to try again even years later. Then perhaps it was more than infatuation

This is the same for her own feelings toward you. And should one or both of you decide that you did not want to continue the relationship, Then that too is not all bad. The person refused is able to see another side of the person that they were pursuing. That they were not truly willing to go through adversity or time when considering another person. Are they a fair weather lover? Who might have grown bored over the years even if married, Or not been there in times of need.

I do not know what the legal age for dating is. I knew kids who dated in Middle School and High School. Probably earlier that Middle School some kids, But I wasn't really paying attention to that kind of thing. It's not really all that serious in Middle School, Or even High School I think. Legal age of consent tends to be 18 I believe, But I'm not a lawyer.

I am sure they are worried about the factors you mentioned. Possibly to her parents point of view she's still barely more than a child. Of course they are worried about her dating some guy that they do not know, Worse to their minds some man years older than her who would date a girl still in High School.

To their minds, If their daughter was mature she would have sought their permission to date while she lived in their house, Ate their food, Went to school on their dime. To their frame of mind she wouldn't have had sex at all (Even if you were using birth control).

Not trying to be an a** with all of that. I am just trying to relate to you how high of a hurdle you may be facing in receiving their approval, Or even the chance of it.

If everything looks overwhelming when you look at it, Look at it smaller in steps. It's easier to take one step at a time than to try to leap up an entire flight of stairs. I would imagine you're in love, But I'm far away with no view of the situation, Or literal feelings that you feel at this moment.

What type of church does her family belong to?
Passionate_Fighter
Posts: 5
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1/2/2019 7:10:45 PM
Posted: 1 year ago
I would like to thank everyone for the advice you have given me thus far, I highly appreciate it.

She goes to a Roman Catholic Church.

In truth, I have wronged myself, But most especially my girl and her family. This is what I ought to have done:

1. To get consent from her family to date her. (As @learning had said)
2. To not engage in any sexual activity with her (regardless of the use of protection).
3. To know that keeping our relationship a secret was eventually going to backfire.

Another thing which concerns me is that she would always make means to communicate with me on social media (like Facebook). But now she hasn't responded in almost two weeks now.

The last time I made contact with her was at my place (face to face) on my birthday on the 21st of December.

On that day,
I remember her saying [in tears];
* "I have disappointed my family so much, They even called me names, They even called me a prostitute. I have disappointed them so much Colin. But it's OK, We will get through this love. "

Before we parted ways,
she had also said,
* "Work hard, And always remember that I love you. Never even think for a second that I will stop loving you. . . . We will chat on Facebook. "

Now I'm left with a question mark, Because she hasn't logged in or replied in about 2 weeks.

Does this mean it's over in a way?
Or is she just going through some difficult situation, Difficult enough to send at least one message in one week?
Or is she just afraid to tell me it's over?

Damn man, She left me with a damn big question mark, I try to laugh this situation out. . . But it still doesn't change the many questions I have and the fact that I love her
Leaning
Posts: 2,625
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1/3/2019 3:19:45 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Their insults to her sound overboard and contrary to truth or support to me. Possibly they were overwhelmed by the situation, Gave into anger, Fear, Concern. Still wrong (To my sensibilities).

Possibly her parents have limited her access to the internet. Possibly she has promised them to not access it, Perhaps it is one of your thoughts, I don't think it's really possible to guess the right answer.

Myself, I'm lacking for practical advice at this point. No experience in it myself.

I wouldn't think though, That a relationship ought to dissolve and fall apart in a month though. Two peoples feeling and sense of commitment to each other I mean.

All I could suggest myself would be to spend some time in this month preparing a letter for her parents. Do it hand written, Try a couple drafts to find the words to properly pass across your feeling and sentiment. Send it the 21st of this month or something. Politely ask for a reply.

It would be nice if you could actually get in contact with her or them without having to do the handwritten letter. It's just a way to show them you were willing to give them a bit of space, Cared enough to write a formal handwritten letter.

As Juris said, Getting a better job could be a way to show her family
you are mature/willing to try. If you would like any help writing a letter or writing a resume, Let me know, Though my own experience is cursory itself.
Leaning
Posts: 2,625
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1/3/2019 3:28:33 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Also, If you have any close friends or family, Don't hesitate to reach out to them for advice as well. If you feel that you can count on them for support and good advice.

Some people say they don't want to worry or burden family members. . . But acting in such a way causes friends and family to lose much of their purpose as a support system. If you do not confide in family when you are in stress or worry, Can you really expect them to do so either?

There is nothing wrong with talking to friends or family about difficult situations. They would want you to do so usually, And so I imagine would you want them to confide in you if they were ever in trouble.
Passionate_Fighter
Posts: 5
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1/3/2019 6:19:08 AM
Posted: 1 year ago
Juris' advice on getting a better job (and marrying her) to show level of commitment is a great suggestion.
Because yes, It would be better for me to marry her and fail at a later stage, Than not to marry her and not know how things may have turned out.

But @learning I think you were also right by saying that I should look at things in smaller steps.

I mean it wouldn't hurt for me to seek to be her friend, And then get along with her family (whilst being a church member) etc. Right?

Because I would surely want her family's blessings of marrying her, And I would want her to have a great relationship with her family whilst being married to me.

Now, Even if I proposed to marry her right now. Her family would think that I'm insane to propose marriage to her (as they would believe she is still young), And would hence not give me their blessings.

Perhaps there is a time for everything indeed.

I have taken a decision.
I will let her go, And move on with my life (as hard as it is to move on).

Maybe someday I could meet her again and possibly marry her. Maybe I could meet another great girl whom I would incredibly fall in love with just like her. You never know. . .

Sad as it is, I've just crossed one of the most painful journeys a human can ever endure.

From now on, I won't seek to be inlove anymore. I will just enjoy my youth, Learn from my mistakes, Bone women, Lie down under a tree and watch leaves as they fall by every season. And then fall inlove again and get married at a matured age (#late 20s).

Besides, It's inevitable for me for me not to find another great girl at a later matured stage.

Thanks for all the advice guys.
#Highly_appreciated

-Colin
Max08
Posts: 2
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2/24/2019 8:16:51 PM
Posted: 11 months ago
What bothers me here and because no one mentioned is her willingness to listen to her parents. It looks like their opinion matters to her more than your love. Just step into her shoes for a moment : she is 18 y. Old, Is graduating from high school, Her parents have probably set aside college fund for her etc. They know that there will be a lot of guys for her to meet and eventually marry. She is not in a rush to marry, As you can see.

Back to you. As long as they see you as adversary they won't take your side. In their mind you 'ruin' her chances of getting education and eventually a well paying job. Can you blame them? It seems like education is highly regarded in her family.

If you want the girl you need to be PATIENT. College takes only 4 years. If she loves you and if you are important to her SHE WILL STAY by your side. Once she is in college she will have more freedom to see you. It will be much easier!

Besides, 4 yrs later you may discover that you do not love her as much.
That girl does not seem to be motivated. What she tells you may not be true. She may not feel the way you do and uses her parents as a shield to cover up her own story. I found this to be informative - in case you think you are a match : https://beluckyinlove. Net/you-thought-you-were-a-perfect-match-until-she-broke-up-with-you-a-breakup-proof-technique/
Things may not be as they seem.

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