There is something wrong with me

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

At 1/7/2017 4:08:34 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

*hugs you tightly*

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

At 1/7/2017 4:15:17 AM, Daltonian wrote:

At 1/7/2017 4:08:34 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

*hugs you tightly*

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Thank you, Annie, very much for that offer. <3

How are you finding the Canadian life?

At 1/7/2017 4:20:35 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:

At 1/7/2017 4:15:17 AM, Daltonian wrote:

At 1/7/2017 4:08:34 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

*hugs you tightly*

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Thank you, Annie, very much for that offer. <3

How are you finding the Canadian life?

so fvcking cold

At 1/7/2017 4:45:39 AM, Daltonian wrote:

At 1/7/2017 4:20:35 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:

At 1/7/2017 4:15:17 AM, Daltonian wrote:

At 1/7/2017 4:08:34 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

*hugs you tightly*

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Thank you, Annie, very much for that offer. <3

How are you finding the Canadian life?

so fvcking cold

As opposed to the Caribbean, I'm sure, haha.

Are you liking college?

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
Honesty time.

I don't know really where else to go in my life with this, so that's why I'm here. To tell you the truth, the reason I came back to DDO is because I'm trying to distract myself from the rest of my life right now.

I'm a well off, middle class, extremely entitled and lucky young guy (nearly 18) whose parents are helping put him through college. I graduated close to the top of my class in high school. I've received awards, scholarships, and all of that. I have no shortness of people who would call me their friend. I have a loving family. I have no reason to feel empty or to want to die. Or to have the disturbed thoughts that I do. But they persist anyways. There is something wrong with my head.

I don't know how to get better. I'm a gay teenager who feels alone. I've become obsessed with a boy - because that is what he is, a boy and not a man, despite his age - from my childhood who I know could never love me and it has made me forget what being happy feels like. I've managed to convince myself that being me being loved by someone is impossible, because of who I am.

I have dug a whole for myself, built of lies, manipulation, selfishness, and unreasonable expectations that I cannot escape anymore. From my selfless mother to my innocent baby sister to the other people in my life that I love, I cause them only pain and suffering now. They care about me and that is causing them only pain and no happiness. I cannot stand that.

I think I may have borderline personality disorder. I have read of how people who have that problem, become entrapped in a cycle of guilt, shame, emotions with which they cannot cope, addiction, and impulsive behaviour. I'm exposed to negative emotions and feelings that I am too weak to handle, I engage in impulsive behaviour and in dangerous behaviour to suppress those feelings that hurts those that I love, and I in turn feel incredible shame and guilt. And suicidal thoughts. And that leads me to start the cycle over again; because I'm unable to cope with that guilt. And it gets worse and worse until the only way I can cope with things anymore is to go back to the impulsive behaviour.

It feels like I'm trapped in a pathetic cycle of depression and angst and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anyone else who has been diagnosed with depression, personality disorders, or experienced anything similar to what I've described that managed to escape this cycle? I feel pathetic constantly, and pathetic for asking, but this is what I've come to.

I know you'll tell me to "get help", but it isn't that simple or that easy. Real help is not as accessible nor as affordable as people make it seem. What help? Through what pathway? My family; I'm not ready for that and I can't be sure of how they would react. My school; they're not equipped to help me. And I don't know how to help myself. So I'm looking for alternate ways to help myself and for motivation.

Thanks and much love. <3

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

At 1/7/2017 8:41:21 AM, Smithereens wrote:
https://en.wikipedia.org...

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
Honesty time.

I don't know really where else to go in my life with this, so that's why I'm here. To tell you the truth, the reason I came back to DDO is because I'm trying to distract myself from the rest of my life right now.

I'm a well off, middle class, extremely entitled and lucky young guy (nearly 18) whose parents are helping put him through college. I graduated close to the top of my class in high school. I've received awards, scholarships, and all of that. I have no shortness of people who would call me their friend. I have a loving family. I have no reason to feel empty or to want to die. Or to have the disturbed thoughts that I do. But they persist anyways. There is something wrong with my head.

I don't know how to get better. I'm a gay teenager who feels alone. I've become obsessed with a boy - because that is what he is, a boy and not a man, despite his age - from my childhood who I know could never love me and it has made me forget what being happy feels like. I've managed to convince myself that being me being loved by someone is impossible, because of who I am.

I have dug a whole for myself, built of lies, manipulation, selfishness, and unreasonable expectations that I cannot escape anymore. From my selfless mother to my innocent baby sister to the other people in my life that I love, I cause them only pain and suffering now. They care about me and that is causing them only pain and no happiness. I cannot stand that.

I think I may have borderline personality disorder. I have read of how people who have that problem, become entrapped in a cycle of guilt, shame, emotions with which they cannot cope, addiction, and impulsive behaviour. I'm exposed to negative emotions and feelings that I am too weak to handle, I engage in impulsive behaviour and in dangerous behaviour to suppress those feelings that hurts those that I love, and I in turn feel incredible shame and guilt. And suicidal thoughts. And that leads me to start the cycle over again; because I'm unable to cope with that guilt. And it gets worse and worse until the only way I can cope with things anymore is to go back to the impulsive behaviour.

It feels like I'm trapped in a pathetic cycle of depression and angst and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anyone else who has been diagnosed with depression, personality disorders, or experienced anything similar to what I've described that managed to escape this cycle? I feel pathetic constantly, and pathetic for asking, but this is what I've come to.

I know you'll tell me to "get help", but it isn't that simple or that easy. Real help is not as accessible nor as affordable as people make it seem. What help? Through what pathway? My family; I'm not ready for that and I can't be sure of how they would react. My school; they're not equipped to help me. And I don't know how to help myself. So I'm looking for alternate ways to help myself and for motivation.

Thanks and much love. <3

At 1/7/2017 8:19:59 AM, The-Voice-of-Truth wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

There was a time before DDO and then earlier this year where I felt exactly this. I have severe depression and anxiety, so I am no stranger to people struggling with a disturbed mental state. If you need to talk things out, I'm just a PM away.

At 1/7/2017 8:30:59 AM, missbailey8 wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

I don't know you, but I just want you to know that I'm here if you ever need to talk. My PMs are always open. It takes plenty of bravery to open up about this, especially to a whole community of people. I applaud you for that. *hugs*

At 1/7/2017 8:51:29 AM, Smithereens wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

I had a situation like this, it was very painful and there wasn't an easy way out. The eventual solution was that the feelings eroded over time until the cause of the issue was just a source of dispassionate concern that gradually faded into my memory.

I don't believe that optimism is a good way through what you're currently experiencing. I don't think you should get your hopes up for no reason, but what I can tell you is that you do pull through it eventually. It takes time and it's very painful. But if you need an ear I'm always listening. Message me if you want to.

At 1/7/2017 10:16:40 AM, A-L-I-Hassan wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
Honesty time.

I don't know really where else to go in my life with this, so that's why I'm here. To tell you the truth, the reason I came back to DDO is because I'm trying to distract myself from the rest of my life right now.

I'm a well off, middle class, extremely entitled and lucky young guy (nearly 18) whose parents are helping put him through college. I graduated close to the top of my class in high school. I've received awards, scholarships, and all of that. I have no shortness of people who would call me their friend. I have a loving family. I have no reason to feel empty or to want to die. Or to have the disturbed thoughts that I do. But they persist anyways. There is something wrong with my head.

I don't know how to get better. I'm a gay teenager who feels alone. I've become obsessed with a boy - because that is what he is, a boy and not a man, despite his age - from my childhood who I know could never love me and it has made me forget what being happy feels like. I've managed to convince myself that being me being loved by someone is impossible, because of who I am.

I have dug a whole for myself, built of lies, manipulation, selfishness, and unreasonable expectations that I cannot escape anymore. From my selfless mother to my innocent baby sister to the other people in my life that I love, I cause them only pain and suffering now. They care about me and that is causing them only pain and no happiness. I cannot stand that.

I think I may have borderline personality disorder. I have read of how people who have that problem, become entrapped in a cycle of guilt, shame, emotions with which they cannot cope, addiction, and impulsive behaviour. I'm exposed to negative emotions and feelings that I am too weak to handle, I engage in impulsive behaviour and in dangerous behaviour to suppress those feelings that hurts those that I love, and I in turn feel incredible shame and guilt. And suicidal thoughts. And that leads me to start the cycle over again; because I'm unable to cope with that guilt. And it gets worse and worse until the only way I can cope with things anymore is to go back to the impulsive behaviour.

It feels like I'm trapped in a pathetic cycle of depression and angst and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anyone else who has been diagnosed with depression, personality disorders, or experienced anything similar to what I've described that managed to escape this cycle? I feel pathetic constantly, and pathetic for asking, but this is what I've come to.

I know you'll tell me to "get help", but it isn't that simple or that easy. Real help is not as accessible nor as affordable as people make it seem. What help? Through what pathway? My family; I'm not ready for that and I can't be sure of how they would react. My school; they're not equipped to help me. And I don't know how to help myself. So I'm looking for alternate ways to help myself and for motivation.

Thanks and much love. <3

Cheers! Good to see you're being honest. You are eager to get out of this feeling. People go through these kind of feelings at some early age. Eventually these feelings erode, and as time passes by, your brain gets accustomed to, and then you overcome it! I'm there for you, message me any time you like. Expressing feelings alleviates grieves!

I certainly hope they erode. Thank you :)

At 1/8/2017 7:47:03 AM, Daltonian wrote:

At 1/7/2017 8:19:59 AM, The-Voice-of-Truth wrote:

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

There was a time before DDO and then earlier this year where I felt exactly this. I have severe depression and anxiety, so I am no stranger to people struggling with a disturbed mental state. If you need to talk things out, I'm just a PM away.

Thank you. It's sometimes reassuring to know there are other actual people out there who suffer from these disorders and problems, and have gotten through it. I might take you up on that offer sometime.

At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
Honesty time.

I don't know really where else to go in my life with this, so that's why I'm here. To tell you the truth, the reason I came back to DDO is because I'm trying to distract myself from the rest of my life right now.

I'm a well off, middle class, extremely entitled and lucky young guy (nearly 18) whose parents are helping put him through college. I graduated close to the top of my class in high school. I've received awards, scholarships, and all of that. I have no shortness of people who would call me their friend. I have a loving family. I have no reason to feel empty or to want to die. Or to have the disturbed thoughts that I do. But they persist anyways. There is something wrong with my head.

I don't know how to get better. I'm a gay teenager who feels alone. I've become obsessed with a boy - because that is what he is, a boy and not a man, despite his age - from my childhood who I know could never love me and it has made me forget what being happy feels like. I've managed to convince myself that being me being loved by someone is impossible, because of who I am.

I have dug a whole for myself, built of lies, manipulation, selfishness, and unreasonable expectations that I cannot escape anymore. From my selfless mother to my innocent baby sister to the other people in my life that I love, I cause them only pain and suffering now. They care about me and that is causing them only pain and no happiness. I cannot stand that.

I think I may have borderline personality disorder. I have read of how people who have that problem, become entrapped in a cycle of guilt, shame, emotions with which they cannot cope, addiction, and impulsive behaviour. I'm exposed to negative emotions and feelings that I am too weak to handle, I engage in impulsive behaviour and in dangerous behaviour to suppress those feelings that hurts those that I love, and I in turn feel incredible shame and guilt. And suicidal thoughts. And that leads me to start the cycle over again; because I'm unable to cope with that guilt. And it gets worse and worse until the only way I can cope with things anymore is to go back to the impulsive behaviour.

It feels like I'm trapped in a pathetic cycle of depression and angst and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anyone else who has been diagnosed with depression, personality disorders, or experienced anything similar to what I've described that managed to escape this cycle? I feel pathetic constantly, and pathetic for asking, but this is what I've come to.

I know you'll tell me to "get help", but it isn't that simple or that easy. Real help is not as accessible nor as affordable as people make it seem. What help? Through what pathway? My family; I'm not ready for that and I can't be sure of how they would react. My school; they're not equipped to help me. And I don't know how to help myself. So I'm looking for alternate ways to help myself and for motivation.

Thanks and much love. <3