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There is something wrong with me

Daltonian
Posts: 4,785
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1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
Honesty time.

I don't know really where else to go in my life with this, so that's why I'm here. To tell you the truth, the reason I came back to DDO is because I'm trying to distract myself from the rest of my life right now.

I'm a well off, middle class, extremely entitled and lucky young guy (nearly 18) whose parents are helping put him through college. I graduated close to the top of my class in high school. I've received awards, scholarships, and all of that. I have no shortness of people who would call me their friend. I have a loving family. I have no reason to feel empty or to want to die. Or to have the disturbed thoughts that I do. But they persist anyways. There is something wrong with my head.

I don't know how to get better. I'm a gay teenager who feels alone. I've become obsessed with a boy - because that is what he is, a boy and not a man, despite his age - from my childhood who I know could never love me and it has made me forget what being happy feels like. I've managed to convince myself that being me being loved by someone is impossible, because of who I am.

I have dug a whole for myself, built of lies, manipulation, selfishness, and unreasonable expectations that I cannot escape anymore. From my selfless mother to my innocent baby sister to the other people in my life that I love, I cause them only pain and suffering now. They care about me and that is causing them only pain and no happiness. I cannot stand that.

I think I may have borderline personality disorder. I have read of how people who have that problem, become entrapped in a cycle of guilt, shame, emotions with which they cannot cope, addiction, and impulsive behaviour. I'm exposed to negative emotions and feelings that I am too weak to handle, I engage in impulsive behaviour and in dangerous behaviour to suppress those feelings that hurts those that I love, and I in turn feel incredible shame and guilt. And suicidal thoughts. And that leads me to start the cycle over again; because I'm unable to cope with that guilt. And it gets worse and worse until the only way I can cope with things anymore is to go back to the impulsive behaviour.

It feels like I'm trapped in a pathetic cycle of depression and angst and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anyone else who has been diagnosed with depression, personality disorders, or experienced anything similar to what I've described that managed to escape this cycle? I feel pathetic constantly, and pathetic for asking, but this is what I've come to.

I know you'll tell me to "get help", but it isn't that simple or that easy. Real help is not as accessible nor as affordable as people make it seem. What help? Through what pathway? My family; I'm not ready for that and I can't be sure of how they would react. My school; they're not equipped to help me. And I don't know how to help myself. So I'm looking for alternate ways to help myself and for motivation.

Thanks and much love. <3
Rest In Peace, DDO.
ESocialBookworm
Posts: 14,751
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1/7/2017 4:08:34 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
*hugs you tightly*

I'm here if you ever want to talk.
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.
Deep down, we're all dumbassses who act like shittheads

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.
Daltonian
Posts: 4,785
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1/7/2017 4:15:17 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 4:08:34 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
*hugs you tightly*

I'm here if you ever want to talk.
Thank you, Annie, very much for that offer. <3

How are you finding the Canadian life?
Rest In Peace, DDO.
ESocialBookworm
Posts: 14,751
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1/7/2017 4:20:35 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 4:15:17 AM, Daltonian wrote:
At 1/7/2017 4:08:34 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
*hugs you tightly*

I'm here if you ever want to talk.
Thank you, Annie, very much for that offer. <3

How are you finding the Canadian life?
so fvcking cold
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.
Deep down, we're all dumbassses who act like shittheads

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.
Daltonian
Posts: 4,785
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1/7/2017 4:45:39 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 4:20:35 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:
At 1/7/2017 4:15:17 AM, Daltonian wrote:
At 1/7/2017 4:08:34 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
*hugs you tightly*

I'm here if you ever want to talk.
Thank you, Annie, very much for that offer. <3

How are you finding the Canadian life?
so fvcking cold
As opposed to the Caribbean, I'm sure, haha.

Are you liking college?
Rest In Peace, DDO.
ESocialBookworm
Posts: 14,751
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1/7/2017 5:14:18 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 4:45:39 AM, Daltonian wrote:
At 1/7/2017 4:20:35 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:
At 1/7/2017 4:15:17 AM, Daltonian wrote:
At 1/7/2017 4:08:34 AM, ESocialBookworm wrote:
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
*hugs you tightly*

I'm here if you ever want to talk.
Thank you, Annie, very much for that offer. <3

How are you finding the Canadian life?
so fvcking cold
As opposed to the Caribbean, I'm sure, haha.

Are you liking college?
stressful af
Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.
Deep down, we're all dumbassses who act like shittheads

Me~
"BAILEY + SOLON = SAILEY
MY SHIP SAILEY MUST SAIL"

SCREW THAT SHIZ #BANNIE = BAILEY & ANNIE

P.S. Shipped Sailey before it was cannon bitches.
Perussi
Posts: 3,687
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1/7/2017 5:16:59 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
Honesty time.

I don't know really where else to go in my life with this, so that's why I'm here. To tell you the truth, the reason I came back to DDO is because I'm trying to distract myself from the rest of my life right now.

I'm a well off, middle class, extremely entitled and lucky young guy (nearly 18) whose parents are helping put him through college. I graduated close to the top of my class in high school. I've received awards, scholarships, and all of that. I have no shortness of people who would call me their friend. I have a loving family. I have no reason to feel empty or to want to die. Or to have the disturbed thoughts that I do. But they persist anyways. There is something wrong with my head.

I don't know how to get better. I'm a gay teenager who feels alone. I've become obsessed with a boy - because that is what he is, a boy and not a man, despite his age - from my childhood who I know could never love me and it has made me forget what being happy feels like. I've managed to convince myself that being me being loved by someone is impossible, because of who I am.

I have dug a whole for myself, built of lies, manipulation, selfishness, and unreasonable expectations that I cannot escape anymore. From my selfless mother to my innocent baby sister to the other people in my life that I love, I cause them only pain and suffering now. They care about me and that is causing them only pain and no happiness. I cannot stand that.

I think I may have borderline personality disorder. I have read of how people who have that problem, become entrapped in a cycle of guilt, shame, emotions with which they cannot cope, addiction, and impulsive behaviour. I'm exposed to negative emotions and feelings that I am too weak to handle, I engage in impulsive behaviour and in dangerous behaviour to suppress those feelings that hurts those that I love, and I in turn feel incredible shame and guilt. And suicidal thoughts. And that leads me to start the cycle over again; because I'm unable to cope with that guilt. And it gets worse and worse until the only way I can cope with things anymore is to go back to the impulsive behaviour.

It feels like I'm trapped in a pathetic cycle of depression and angst and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anyone else who has been diagnosed with depression, personality disorders, or experienced anything similar to what I've described that managed to escape this cycle? I feel pathetic constantly, and pathetic for asking, but this is what I've come to.

I know you'll tell me to "get help", but it isn't that simple or that easy. Real help is not as accessible nor as affordable as people make it seem. What help? Through what pathway? My family; I'm not ready for that and I can't be sure of how they would react. My school; they're not equipped to help me. And I don't know how to help myself. So I'm looking for alternate ways to help myself and for motivation.

Thanks and much love. <3

Find a way to use it. Then embrace it and stop seeing it as a problem. I know this would work because i'm partially insane.
The-Voice-of-Truth
Posts: 9,604
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1/7/2017 8:19:59 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

There was a time before DDO and then earlier this year where I felt exactly this. I have severe depression and anxiety, so I am no stranger to people struggling with a disturbed mental state. If you need to talk things out, I'm just a PM away.
"If anyone wants to engage in casual anti-Semitism, then whatever." ~Max

Vaarka swung his sword at the mod. However, since I am now incorporeal, he ends up accidentally striking the entire American landmass (It's a REALLY bastard sword), destroying both continents. Spiders are now at 50% of capacity."
missbailey8
Posts: 3,155
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1/7/2017 8:30:59 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
I don't know you, but I just want you to know that I'm here if you ever need to talk. My PMs are always open. It takes plenty of bravery to open up about this, especially to a whole community of people. I applaud you for that. *hugs*
Smithereens
Posts: 8,358
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1/7/2017 8:41:21 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
https://en.wikipedia.org...
"Your signature should not have the name of other players in the game, nor should it have the words VTL, Vote, or Unvote."
~Yraelz, 2017

Debate challenge 'Solipsism is false:' http://www.debate.org...
If God were real... http://www.debate.org...
The-Voice-of-Truth
Posts: 9,604
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1/7/2017 8:45:26 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 8:41:21 AM, Smithereens wrote:
https://en.wikipedia.org...

https://en.wikipedia.org...
"If anyone wants to engage in casual anti-Semitism, then whatever." ~Max

Vaarka swung his sword at the mod. However, since I am now incorporeal, he ends up accidentally striking the entire American landmass (It's a REALLY bastard sword), destroying both continents. Spiders are now at 50% of capacity."
Smithereens
Posts: 8,358
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1/7/2017 8:51:29 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
I had a situation like this, it was very painful and there wasn't an easy way out. The eventual solution was that the feelings eroded over time until the cause of the issue was just a source of dispassionate concern that gradually faded into my memory.

I don't believe that optimism is a good way through what you're currently experiencing. I don't think you should get your hopes up for no reason, but what I can tell you is that you do pull through it eventually. It takes time and it's very painful. But if you need an ear I'm always listening. Message me if you want to.
"Your signature should not have the name of other players in the game, nor should it have the words VTL, Vote, or Unvote."
~Yraelz, 2017

Debate challenge 'Solipsism is false:' http://www.debate.org...
If God were real... http://www.debate.org...
A-L-I-Hassan
Posts: 23
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1/7/2017 10:16:40 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
Honesty time.

I don't know really where else to go in my life with this, so that's why I'm here. To tell you the truth, the reason I came back to DDO is because I'm trying to distract myself from the rest of my life right now.

I'm a well off, middle class, extremely entitled and lucky young guy (nearly 18) whose parents are helping put him through college. I graduated close to the top of my class in high school. I've received awards, scholarships, and all of that. I have no shortness of people who would call me their friend. I have a loving family. I have no reason to feel empty or to want to die. Or to have the disturbed thoughts that I do. But they persist anyways. There is something wrong with my head.

I don't know how to get better. I'm a gay teenager who feels alone. I've become obsessed with a boy - because that is what he is, a boy and not a man, despite his age - from my childhood who I know could never love me and it has made me forget what being happy feels like. I've managed to convince myself that being me being loved by someone is impossible, because of who I am.

I have dug a whole for myself, built of lies, manipulation, selfishness, and unreasonable expectations that I cannot escape anymore. From my selfless mother to my innocent baby sister to the other people in my life that I love, I cause them only pain and suffering now. They care about me and that is causing them only pain and no happiness. I cannot stand that.

I think I may have borderline personality disorder. I have read of how people who have that problem, become entrapped in a cycle of guilt, shame, emotions with which they cannot cope, addiction, and impulsive behaviour. I'm exposed to negative emotions and feelings that I am too weak to handle, I engage in impulsive behaviour and in dangerous behaviour to suppress those feelings that hurts those that I love, and I in turn feel incredible shame and guilt. And suicidal thoughts. And that leads me to start the cycle over again; because I'm unable to cope with that guilt. And it gets worse and worse until the only way I can cope with things anymore is to go back to the impulsive behaviour.

It feels like I'm trapped in a pathetic cycle of depression and angst and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anyone else who has been diagnosed with depression, personality disorders, or experienced anything similar to what I've described that managed to escape this cycle? I feel pathetic constantly, and pathetic for asking, but this is what I've come to.

I know you'll tell me to "get help", but it isn't that simple or that easy. Real help is not as accessible nor as affordable as people make it seem. What help? Through what pathway? My family; I'm not ready for that and I can't be sure of how they would react. My school; they're not equipped to help me. And I don't know how to help myself. So I'm looking for alternate ways to help myself and for motivation.

Thanks and much love. <3

Cheers! Good to see you're being honest. You are eager to get out of this feeling. People go through these kind of feelings at some early age. Eventually these feelings erode, and as time passes by, your brain gets accustomed to, and then you overcome it! I'm there for you, message me any time you like. Expressing feelings alleviates grieves!
Daltonian
Posts: 4,785
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1/8/2017 7:47:03 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 8:19:59 AM, The-Voice-of-Truth wrote:
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

There was a time before DDO and then earlier this year where I felt exactly this. I have severe depression and anxiety, so I am no stranger to people struggling with a disturbed mental state. If you need to talk things out, I'm just a PM away.
Thank you. It's sometimes reassuring to know there are other actual people out there who suffer from these disorders and problems, and have gotten through it. I might take you up on that offer sometime.
Rest In Peace, DDO.
Daltonian
Posts: 4,785
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1/8/2017 7:47:29 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 8:30:59 AM, missbailey8 wrote:
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
I don't know you, but I just want you to know that I'm here if you ever need to talk. My PMs are always open. It takes plenty of bravery to open up about this, especially to a whole community of people. I applaud you for that. *hugs*
Thank you.
Rest In Peace, DDO.
Daltonian
Posts: 4,785
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1/8/2017 7:51:27 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 8:51:29 AM, Smithereens wrote:
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
I had a situation like this, it was very painful and there wasn't an easy way out. The eventual solution was that the feelings eroded over time until the cause of the issue was just a source of dispassionate concern that gradually faded into my memory.
Yeah, I understand that might be the sad reality of my situation.

My situation is also a little more complicated, though, because the person in question has also been my best friend for the last five years of my life. The situation has only escalated romantically in the last year... so even if I try to just slowly erode these feelings over time, he is going to resist completely leaving my life entirely, making that impossible.

I don't believe that optimism is a good way through what you're currently experiencing. I don't think you should get your hopes up for no reason, but what I can tell you is that you do pull through it eventually. It takes time and it's very painful. But if you need an ear I'm always listening. Message me if you want to.
Thank you for that offer.

I can't say I was ever enthusiastic about my chances. I guess, its just, once everything fell apart and the truth was revealed both in my mind and to him, everything, mentally, just fell to pieces for me.
Rest In Peace, DDO.
Daltonian
Posts: 4,785
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1/8/2017 7:52:42 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 10:16:40 AM, A-L-I-Hassan wrote:
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
Honesty time.

I don't know really where else to go in my life with this, so that's why I'm here. To tell you the truth, the reason I came back to DDO is because I'm trying to distract myself from the rest of my life right now.

I'm a well off, middle class, extremely entitled and lucky young guy (nearly 18) whose parents are helping put him through college. I graduated close to the top of my class in high school. I've received awards, scholarships, and all of that. I have no shortness of people who would call me their friend. I have a loving family. I have no reason to feel empty or to want to die. Or to have the disturbed thoughts that I do. But they persist anyways. There is something wrong with my head.

I don't know how to get better. I'm a gay teenager who feels alone. I've become obsessed with a boy - because that is what he is, a boy and not a man, despite his age - from my childhood who I know could never love me and it has made me forget what being happy feels like. I've managed to convince myself that being me being loved by someone is impossible, because of who I am.

I have dug a whole for myself, built of lies, manipulation, selfishness, and unreasonable expectations that I cannot escape anymore. From my selfless mother to my innocent baby sister to the other people in my life that I love, I cause them only pain and suffering now. They care about me and that is causing them only pain and no happiness. I cannot stand that.

I think I may have borderline personality disorder. I have read of how people who have that problem, become entrapped in a cycle of guilt, shame, emotions with which they cannot cope, addiction, and impulsive behaviour. I'm exposed to negative emotions and feelings that I am too weak to handle, I engage in impulsive behaviour and in dangerous behaviour to suppress those feelings that hurts those that I love, and I in turn feel incredible shame and guilt. And suicidal thoughts. And that leads me to start the cycle over again; because I'm unable to cope with that guilt. And it gets worse and worse until the only way I can cope with things anymore is to go back to the impulsive behaviour.

It feels like I'm trapped in a pathetic cycle of depression and angst and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anyone else who has been diagnosed with depression, personality disorders, or experienced anything similar to what I've described that managed to escape this cycle? I feel pathetic constantly, and pathetic for asking, but this is what I've come to.

I know you'll tell me to "get help", but it isn't that simple or that easy. Real help is not as accessible nor as affordable as people make it seem. What help? Through what pathway? My family; I'm not ready for that and I can't be sure of how they would react. My school; they're not equipped to help me. And I don't know how to help myself. So I'm looking for alternate ways to help myself and for motivation.

Thanks and much love. <3

Cheers! Good to see you're being honest. You are eager to get out of this feeling. People go through these kind of feelings at some early age. Eventually these feelings erode, and as time passes by, your brain gets accustomed to, and then you overcome it! I'm there for you, message me any time you like. Expressing feelings alleviates grieves!
I certainly hope they erode. Thank you :)
Rest In Peace, DDO.
A-L-I-Hassan
Posts: 23
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1/8/2017 7:57:10 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
Thanks and much love. <3

I certainly hope they erode. Thank you :)

Nice to hear from you. Oh yeah these feelings will erode. Try to write those feelings in diary. Be with someone who can bring maximum out of you. Enjoy little activities, like doing gardening, or something which you like. Eventually you'll get out of this.
I'm ever present for you. Whenever in need, send me message. Cheers!
The-Voice-of-Truth
Posts: 9,604
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1/8/2017 8:05:23 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/8/2017 7:47:03 AM, Daltonian wrote:
At 1/7/2017 8:19:59 AM, The-Voice-of-Truth wrote:
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:

There was a time before DDO and then earlier this year where I felt exactly this. I have severe depression and anxiety, so I am no stranger to people struggling with a disturbed mental state. If you need to talk things out, I'm just a PM away.
Thank you. It's sometimes reassuring to know there are other actual people out there who suffer from these disorders and problems, and have gotten through it. I might take you up on that offer sometime.

Anytime bub. I undestand the struggle of trying to build a romantic relationship with someone who is a good friend. That is a big thing that caused my last episode, but is was also on top of going into foster care and the stress of college.

I digress. The way I got over it was to simply tell her. I was rejected, and rather rudely and in a shitty manner. But you know what? I lost interest in her, and we talked about it later when the situation cooled down, and we eventually were drawn back to each other for the simple fact that we were good friends. Now our friendship is stronger and closer than it was before.

If you do decide to evetually tell him how you feel, at least let him know that if he says no, that you don't want it to affect your friendship. I made the mistake of telling my friend that, and I almost lost a good frienship becuase she started ignoring me for about a week.
"If anyone wants to engage in casual anti-Semitism, then whatever." ~Max

Vaarka swung his sword at the mod. However, since I am now incorporeal, he ends up accidentally striking the entire American landmass (It's a REALLY bastard sword), destroying both continents. Spiders are now at 50% of capacity."
agonyofdefeat71
Posts: 15
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1/8/2017 11:08:17 AM
Posted: 5 years ago
At 1/7/2017 3:59:36 AM, Daltonian wrote:
Honesty time.

I don't know really where else to go in my life with this, so that's why I'm here. To tell you the truth, the reason I came back to DDO is because I'm trying to distract myself from the rest of my life right now.

I'm a well off, middle class, extremely entitled and lucky young guy (nearly 18) whose parents are helping put him through college. I graduated close to the top of my class in high school. I've received awards, scholarships, and all of that. I have no shortness of people who would call me their friend. I have a loving family. I have no reason to feel empty or to want to die. Or to have the disturbed thoughts that I do. But they persist anyways. There is something wrong with my head.

I don't know how to get better. I'm a gay teenager who feels alone. I've become obsessed with a boy - because that is what he is, a boy and not a man, despite his age - from my childhood who I know could never love me and it has made me forget what being happy feels like. I've managed to convince myself that being me being loved by someone is impossible, because of who I am.

I have dug a whole for myself, built of lies, manipulation, selfishness, and unreasonable expectations that I cannot escape anymore. From my selfless mother to my innocent baby sister to the other people in my life that I love, I cause them only pain and suffering now. They care about me and that is causing them only pain and no happiness. I cannot stand that.

I think I may have borderline personality disorder. I have read of how people who have that problem, become entrapped in a cycle of guilt, shame, emotions with which they cannot cope, addiction, and impulsive behaviour. I'm exposed to negative emotions and feelings that I am too weak to handle, I engage in impulsive behaviour and in dangerous behaviour to suppress those feelings that hurts those that I love, and I in turn feel incredible shame and guilt. And suicidal thoughts. And that leads me to start the cycle over again; because I'm unable to cope with that guilt. And it gets worse and worse until the only way I can cope with things anymore is to go back to the impulsive behaviour.

It feels like I'm trapped in a pathetic cycle of depression and angst and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anyone else who has been diagnosed with depression, personality disorders, or experienced anything similar to what I've described that managed to escape this cycle? I feel pathetic constantly, and pathetic for asking, but this is what I've come to.

I know you'll tell me to "get help", but it isn't that simple or that easy. Real help is not as accessible nor as affordable as people make it seem. What help? Through what pathway? My family; I'm not ready for that and I can't be sure of how they would react. My school; they're not equipped to help me. And I don't know how to help myself. So I'm looking for alternate ways to help myself and for motivation.

Thanks and much love. <3

Just talking it out, even if it's here is a good first step. I am new to this place, but I am not new to feeling helpless when it comes to loving someone from a distance. Rejection is a legit fear, I get it. Fear shouldn't be something that dictates your emotions to the point where you feel like this though.

Keep talking through it, don't keep it in and let it build. Coming here, even if it seemed like it was the only place is a start. I hope it all works out for you.

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