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You Have Hypothetically Been Cheated On

warren42
Posts: 4,456
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12/27/2017 3:26:42 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
A question I"ve always struggled with: You have a long-term, intimate relationship. You are hopelessly in love and think this is the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. They cheat on you. Would you rather it be a random hookup or an emotional connection they had with another person?

If it"s a one night stand type of thing, they value your relationship so little that they"d throw it away just for one sexual encounter with another person.

If it"s "someone else" you aren"t good enough.

Thoughts?
tenyearsoflight
Posts: 517
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12/27/2017 5:51:27 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 12/27/2017 3:26:42 AM, warren42 wrote:
A question I"ve always struggled with: You have a long-term, intimate relationship. You are hopelessly in love and think this is the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. They cheat on you. Would you rather it be a random hookup or an emotional connection they had with another person?

I would rather it be a random hookup, because if it's only a random hookup then I would be able to forgive it easier. If it wasn't a random hookup, but the result of someone forming an emotional connection with someone else, it would mean that my relationship with this person who I am theoretically in love with would be over.

If it"s a one night stand type of thing, they value your relationship so little that they"d throw it away just for one sexual encounter with another person.

I don't view adultery or cheating that way. The way I see it, one time things that come out of nowhere aren't a reflection of how little a person values a relationship they are already in, because when they make the decision to cheat they aren't thinking about the relationship they have. What they're thinking about is having sex, and that's it.

The real devaluing of a relationship is when the person you're dating or in a relationship with has emotionally invested in someone else. That means that they value your relationship with them so little, that they went elsewhere to find what connection they were looking for.

If it"s "someone else" you aren"t good enough.

Thoughts?

I don't know that it's right to say that if I had a boyfriend and he cheated on me, that his cheating means that I wasn't good enough. It means that he wanted something else. People aren't 'good enough' or 'not good enough'. They're just people, who may or may not even know (most likely do not know) what they're looking for.
#snowflake
tenyearsoflight
Posts: 517
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12/27/2017 5:55:38 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
One thing though.......

If a guy cheated on me, I would almost certainly break up with him no matter what. I don't think all cheating should be treated the same way because I think what was going on at the time in the context it happened matters. But that doesn't change the fact that I would almost certainly end my relationship over a boyfriend cheating.

I would never cheat, myself, ever. It's just wrong. If you commit to someone, you stay loyal to them. It's just that simple.
#snowflake
Danielle
Posts: 26,596
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12/27/2017 5:43:28 PM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 12/27/2017 3:26:42 AM, warren42 wrote:

In this scenario, I would rather be cheated on with someone whom my partner really cared about. A random hook up implies they don't value the relationship with me. On the other hand, if they fell for someone else, people can't help how they feel (though they can avoid fostering certain relationships, but I don't think that's imperative when you're young / unmarried).

I wouldn't assume that I wasn't "good enough" if someone cheated on me or fell in love with another person. There are so many reasons people's feelings evolve, and value is subjective. I've had enough life experience to know that our value is not determined by one other person's perspective, which is subject to any given number of variables that are external to who we are.
Unstobbaple
Posts: 4,060
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12/27/2017 6:38:02 PM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 12/27/2017 3:26:42 AM, warren42 wrote:
A question I"ve always struggled with: You have a long-term, intimate relationship. You are hopelessly in love and think this is the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. They cheat on you. Would you rather it be a random hookup or an emotional connection they had with another person?

If it"s a one night stand type of thing, they value your relationship so little that they"d throw it away just for one sexual encounter with another person.

If it"s "someone else" you aren"t good enough.

Thoughts?

I'm having a hard time sympathising with the original premise.
Devilry
Posts: 5,093
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12/28/2017 3:57:35 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
I wouldn't care altogether too much either way. I mean not that I wouldn't get upset, but I've been cheated on a few times out of, like, the twisted game of one-upmanship that love can often become lol, or I've shared a girl's love too...

I mean I think there's real childish need in your parsing of the problem. Maybe it's you that doesn't care so much if you'll let something as small as a kiss perhaps get in the way of a lifetime. Maybe you don't need to be the only thing in the entire world. I mean, you aren't.
: : : At 11/15/2016 6:22:17 PM, Greyparrot wrote:
: That's not racism. Thats economics.
warren42
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12/28/2017 4:00:41 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 12/27/2017 5:55:38 AM, tenyearsoflight wrote:
One thing though.......

If a guy cheated on me, I would almost certainly break up with him no matter what. I don't think all cheating should be treated the same way because I think what was going on at the time in the context it happened matters. But that doesn't change the fact that I would almost certainly end my relationship over a boyfriend cheating.

I would never cheat, myself, ever. It's just wrong. If you commit to someone, you stay loyal to them. It's just that simple.

Where would you draw the line as far as forgiving them and attempting to fix the relationship? It seems you would almost never do it, but there may be some cases where you would?
Devilry
Posts: 5,093
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12/28/2017 4:01:29 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
I mean if she sucked his dick, you might have to murder them both. That's fair enough.
: : : At 11/15/2016 6:22:17 PM, Greyparrot wrote:
: That's not racism. Thats economics.
Ragnar_Rahl
Posts: 19,305
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12/28/2017 4:07:28 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
If they cheated (as opposed to negotiated polyamory) my relationship with them is over. Hence, it doesn't matter why they did it, it matters what the effect is.

If they did it out of an emotional connection, they are presumably a monogamous couple now and hence both off the market-- one heterosexual female and most likely one heterosexual male.

If they did it out of a one night stand, one heterosexual female is off the market.

Hence, I have slightly better marginal prospects in the dating market of the world where the cheating was caused by an emotional connection.
It came to be at its height. It was commanded to command. It was a capital before its first stone was laid. It was a monument to the spirit of man.
Devilry
Posts: 5,093
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12/28/2017 4:37:40 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
Everyone always comes home for Christmas.
: : : At 11/15/2016 6:22:17 PM, Greyparrot wrote:
: That's not racism. Thats economics.
tenyearsoflight
Posts: 517
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12/28/2017 5:40:08 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 12/28/2017 4:00:41 AM, warren42 wrote:
At 12/27/2017 5:55:38 AM, tenyearsoflight wrote:
One thing though.......

If a guy cheated on me, I would almost certainly break up with him no matter what. I don't think all cheating should be treated the same way because I think what was going on at the time in the context it happened matters. But that doesn't change the fact that I would almost certainly end my relationship over a boyfriend cheating.

I would never cheat, myself, ever. It's just wrong. If you commit to someone, you stay loyal to them. It's just that simple.

Where would you draw the line as far as forgiving them and attempting to fix the relationship? It seems you would almost never do it, but there may be some cases where you would?

That would really depend on what my significant other did and the circumstances of how it all happened..... The situation would have to be really exceptional for me to be willing to forgive because someone who cheats once will cheat again.

Just a shot in the dark here....

I'm going to assume that you're straight, that you have a girlfriend or had a girlfriend, and that she cheated on you. I'm going to guess that you two probably parted ways for a period of time (that was significant but not too long), but she came back around at Christmas and tried to make amends. Now, you're confused about whether to let her back in or not. On the one hand, you want too because you really care about her and want the future you envisioned with her. But on the other, you don't trust her because she cheated on you and you're afraid that the reason she's come back around is because the other romantic pursuit she was messing around with didn't turn out as she'd planned.

Is that... somewhere close to right?

I'm just going to say that if I was in that situation, there is no way I'd let her back in because the reason she's coming back is most likely not because of you or because she is sorry for what she's done, but because she doesn't want to be alone around this time of year and wants to use you either for some kind of support (emotional, psychological, what have you). In that case, she's going to cheat on you again... and you can't let her make you her doormat. You deserve better than that... than to be treated like something she's going to wipe her feet on as she treats your relationship with her like it's got an open door policy. That's not how relationships are supposed to work.
#snowflake
warren42
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12/28/2017 4:22:37 PM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 12/28/2017 5:40:08 AM, tenyearsoflight wrote:
At 12/28/2017 4:00:41 AM, warren42 wrote:
At 12/27/2017 5:55:38 AM, tenyearsoflight wrote:
One thing though.......

If a guy cheated on me, I would almost certainly break up with him no matter what. I don't think all cheating should be treated the same way because I think what was going on at the time in the context it happened matters. But that doesn't change the fact that I would almost certainly end my relationship over a boyfriend cheating.

I would never cheat, myself, ever. It's just wrong. If you commit to someone, you stay loyal to them. It's just that simple.

Where would you draw the line as far as forgiving them and attempting to fix the relationship? It seems you would almost never do it, but there may be some cases where you would?

That would really depend on what my significant other did and the circumstances of how it all happened..... The situation would have to be really exceptional for me to be willing to forgive because someone who cheats once will cheat again.

Just a shot in the dark here....

I'm going to assume that you're straight, that you have a girlfriend or had a girlfriend, and that she cheated on you. I'm going to guess that you two probably parted ways for a period of time (that was significant but not too long), but she came back around at Christmas and tried to make amends. Now, you're confused about whether to let her back in or not. On the one hand, you want too because you really care about her and want the future you envisioned with her. But on the other, you don't trust her because she cheated on you and you're afraid that the reason she's come back around is because the other romantic pursuit she was messing around with didn't turn out as she'd planned.

Is that... somewhere close to right?

I'm just going to say that if I was in that situation, there is no way I'd let her back in because the reason she's coming back is most likely not because of you or because she is sorry for what she's done, but because she doesn't want to be alone around this time of year and wants to use you either for some kind of support (emotional, psychological, what have you). In that case, she's going to cheat on you again... and you can't let her make you her doormat. You deserve better than that... than to be treated like something she's going to wipe her feet on as she treats your relationship with her like it's got an open door policy. That's not how relationships are supposed to work.

No, this is honestly a hypothetical that I think of from time to time. Fortunately I have not been cheated on (to the best of my knowledge, hopefully I haven"t been) and I just wonder what other people thought of this.

For what it"s worth, yes, I am straight.
missbailey8
Posts: 3,155
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12/28/2017 8:26:02 PM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 12/27/2017 3:26:42 AM, warren42 wrote:
A question I"ve always struggled with: You have a long-term, intimate relationship. You are hopelessly in love and think this is the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. They cheat on you. Would you rather it be a random hookup or an emotional connection they had with another person?

If it"s a one night stand type of thing, they value your relationship so little that they"d throw it away just for one sexual encounter with another person.

If it"s "someone else" you aren"t good enough.

Thoughts?

Geez, both would kill me. However, I'd rather them have a one-night stand rather than an emotional connection. If they had an emotional connection, they'd probably have to have a "double life" thing going on where they'd be lying to my face to see this other person. Not only would they be cheating on me, they'd be habitually lying to me to continue cheating.
Emilrose
Posts: 6,568
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1/21/2018 10:56:12 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
I agree with Danielle. I'd rather it be a random hook-up than with someone that they've become emotionally involved with. Being in a relationship with a person and then having an affair with someone else is considerably worse as it suggests that the individual you're cheating on is of little value to you, it would also require lying and manipulation in the long-term sense (on the contrary to a single hook-up).

Nevertheless, all relationships are doomed. If someone else doesn't separate you, death will.
Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo.
Sui_Generis
Posts: 4,650
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1/21/2018 3:07:04 PM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 1/21/2018 10:56:12 AM, Emilrose wrote:
I agree with Danielle. I'd rather it be a random hook-up than with someone that they've become emotionally involved with. Being in a relationship with a person and then having an affair with someone else is considerably worse as it suggests that the individual you're cheating on is of little value to you, it would also require lying and manipulation in the long-term sense (on the contrary to a single hook-up).
That's the opposite of what Danielle said. Ten and Bailey though...

Nevertheless, all relationships are doomed. If someone else doesn't separate you, death will.
"How true it is that words are but vague shadows of the volumes we mean. Little audible links they are, chaining together great inaudible feelings and purposes."

"Nobody wants to be in your sig." ~Emilrose
Sui_Generis
Posts: 4,650
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1/21/2018 3:12:45 PM
Posted: 9 months ago
I 100% agree with Ten's post #2.

My ideal relationship is one characterized by, above all else, intimacy. If I thought I was in my ideal relationship and found out my partner is looking for intimacy from others then I'm not sure I'd know which way is up. (assuming I "found out" and they didn't remorsefully repent I mean)

That said, I fully disagree with post #3. I'm BIZARRELY unjealous. Perhaps one notch below where Unstob claims to be. If my partner had sex with someone else I think my main concern would be making sure I was feeling as upset over it as I *should* be. I'm a diehard devotee to monogamy, but.... I just can't envision myself being devastated by my presumed wife simply having had sex with someone else once.
"How true it is that words are but vague shadows of the volumes we mean. Little audible links they are, chaining together great inaudible feelings and purposes."

"Nobody wants to be in your sig." ~Emilrose
Emilrose
Posts: 6,568
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1/21/2018 11:40:32 PM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 1/21/2018 3:07:04 PM, Sui_Generis wrote:
At 1/21/2018 10:56:12 AM, Emilrose wrote:
I agree with Danielle. I'd rather it be a random hook-up than with someone that they've become emotionally involved with. Being in a relationship with a person and then having an affair with someone else is considerably worse as it suggests that the individual you're cheating on is of little value to you, it would also require lying and manipulation in the long-term sense (on the contrary to a single hook-up).
That's the opposite of what Danielle said. Ten and Bailey though...

Nevertheless, all relationships are doomed. If someone else doesn't separate you, death will.

They're all the same people.

Also, answer my voice messages.
Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo.
MissClarissa
Posts: 79
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1/22/2018 5:58:01 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 12/27/2017 3:26:42 AM, warren42 wrote:
A question I"ve always struggled with: You have a long-term, intimate relationship. You are hopelessly in love and think this is the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. They cheat on you. Would you rather it be a random hookup or an emotional connection they had with another person?

If it"s a one night stand type of thing, they value your relationship so little that they"d throw it away just for one sexual encounter with another person.

If it"s "someone else" you aren"t good enough.

Thoughts?

This isn"t a well conceived question.

The premise of cheating is absurd. One does not own another person. Merely the fact of one having an intimate relationship with someone does not indenture.

Such a question illuminates male heterosexual oppression of women (or, rather, attempted oppression), in that, normatively, men own women.
Greyparrot
Posts: 21,952
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1/22/2018 6:04:02 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 1/22/2018 5:58:01 AM, MissClarissa wrote:
At 12/27/2017 3:26:42 AM, warren42 wrote:
A question I"ve always struggled with: You have a long-term, intimate relationship. You are hopelessly in love and think this is the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. They cheat on you. Would you rather it be a random hookup or an emotional connection they had with another person?

If it"s a one night stand type of thing, they value your relationship so little that they"d throw it away just for one sexual encounter with another person.

If it"s "someone else" you aren"t good enough.

Thoughts?

This isn"t a well conceived question.

The premise of cheating is absurd. One does not own another person. Merely the fact of one having an intimate relationship with someone does not indenture.

Such a question illuminates male heterosexual oppression of women (or, rather, attempted oppression), in that, normatively, men own women.

You can cheat on a contract or an agreement without actually owning people.
The extinction of the species is worse than the extinction of the nation, which is worse than the extinction of the tribe, which is worse than the extinction of the family, which is worse than the extinction of the individual. The second he reverses that list of priorities, he becomes a coward, and would be summarily disposed of by any civilized society that values its own survival.
Sui_Generis
Posts: 4,650
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1/22/2018 6:17:44 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 1/22/2018 5:58:01 AM, MissClarissa wrote:
This isn't a well conceived question.

The premise of cheating is absurd. One does not own another person. Merely the fact of one having an intimate relationship with someone does not indenture.
But are there not typically in romantic relationships implicitly (or even, regularly, explicitly) understood expectations of monogamy? Agreements which can be violated?

Such a question illuminates male heterosexual oppression of women (or, rather, attempted oppression), in that, normatively, men own women.
I have never in my life seen the claim that only women can cheat.
"How true it is that words are but vague shadows of the volumes we mean. Little audible links they are, chaining together great inaudible feelings and purposes."

"Nobody wants to be in your sig." ~Emilrose
Sui_Generis
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1/22/2018 6:18:24 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 1/21/2018 11:40:32 PM, Emilrose wrote:
They're all the same people.
An amusing thought to be sure

Also, answer my voice messages.
Yes, ma'am
"How true it is that words are but vague shadows of the volumes we mean. Little audible links they are, chaining together great inaudible feelings and purposes."

"Nobody wants to be in your sig." ~Emilrose
MissClarissa
Posts: 79
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1/22/2018 6:24:05 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 1/22/2018 6:17:44 AM, Sui_Generis wrote:
At 1/22/2018 5:58:01 AM, MissClarissa wrote:
This isn't a well conceived question.

The premise of cheating is absurd. One does not own another person. Merely the fact of one having an intimate relationship with someone does not indenture.
But are there not typically in romantic relationships implicitly (or even, regularly, explicitly) understood expectations of monogamy? Agreements which can be violated?

These "agreements" are a violation of women"s autonomy. Monogamy is nothing but a tool designed to shackle women to drab positions, such as the kitchen. In the interests of rebelling patriachical norms, they should be violated wherever a woman sees fit.

Such a question illuminates male heterosexual oppression of women (or, rather, attempted oppression), in that, normatively, men own women.
I have never in my life seen the claim that only women can cheat.

I didn"t suggest anything of the sort...
Sui_Generis
Posts: 4,650
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1/22/2018 7:57:50 AM
Posted: 9 months ago
At 1/22/2018 6:24:05 AM, MissClarissa wrote:
At 1/22/2018 6:17:44 AM, Sui_Generis wrote:
At 1/22/2018 5:58:01 AM, MissClarissa wrote:
This isn't a well conceived question.

The premise of cheating is absurd. One does not own another person. Merely the fact of one having an intimate relationship with someone does not indenture.
But are there not typically in romantic relationships implicitly (or even, regularly, explicitly) understood expectations of monogamy? Agreements which can be violated?
These "agreements" are a violation of women"s autonomy. Monogamy is nothing but a tool designed to shackle women to drab positions, such as the kitchen. In the interests of rebelling patriachical norms, they should be violated wherever a woman sees fit.
And the same, then, for men?

Such a question illuminates male heterosexual oppression of women (or, rather, attempted oppression), in that, normatively, men own women.
I have never in my life seen the claim that only women can cheat.
I didn"t suggest anything of the sort...
Then why is it only male heterosexual oppression that is illuminated?

I believe you are insincere in your arguments.
"How true it is that words are but vague shadows of the volumes we mean. Little audible links they are, chaining together great inaudible feelings and purposes."

"Nobody wants to be in your sig." ~Emilrose
MissClarissa
Posts: 79
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1/22/2018 3:02:27 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 1/22/2018 7:57:50 AM, Sui_Generis wrote:
At 1/22/2018 6:24:05 AM, MissClarissa wrote:
At 1/22/2018 6:17:44 AM, Sui_Generis wrote:
At 1/22/2018 5:58:01 AM, MissClarissa wrote:
This isn't a well conceived question.

The premise of cheating is absurd. One does not own another person. Merely the fact of one having an intimate relationship with someone does not indenture.
But are there not typically in romantic relationships implicitly (or even, regularly, explicitly) understood expectations of monogamy? Agreements which can be violated?
These "agreements" are a violation of women"s autonomy. Monogamy is nothing but a tool designed to shackle women to drab positions, such as the kitchen. In the interests of rebelling patriachical norms, they should be violated wherever a woman sees fit.
And the same, then, for men?

Men have benefitted greatly from patriarchical oppression through marriage lol. They could keep women as chattel, make them stay at home (preventing them gaining money or independence) etc. Why would they need to rebel something which greatly benefits them?


Such a question illuminates male heterosexual oppression of women (or, rather, attempted oppression), in that, normatively, men own women.
I have never in my life seen the claim that only women can cheat.
I didn"t suggest anything of the sort...
Then why is it only male heterosexual oppression that is illuminated?

Because it"s the only kind that exists here.


I believe you are insincere in your arguments.

Folly.
bsh7000
Posts: 1,497
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1/22/2018 7:29:10 PM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 12/27/2017 3:26:42 AM, warren42 wrote:
A question I"ve always struggled with: You have a long-term, intimate relationship. You are hopelessly in love and think this is the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. They cheat on you. Would you rather it be a random hookup or an emotional connection they had with another person?

Neither. The first suggests they don't care enough about you to refrain from indulging their whims. The second suggests that they love someone else more. They are equally bad, and I'd dump anyone who did that to me.
I'm a Bish.

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Quadrunner
Posts: 5,509
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1/23/2018 4:05:32 AM
Posted: 8 months ago
At 12/27/2017 3:26:42 AM, warren42 wrote:
A question I"ve always struggled with: You have a long-term, intimate relationship. You are hopelessly in love and think this is the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. They cheat on you. Would you rather it be a random hookup or an emotional connection they had with another person?

If it"s a one night stand type of thing, they value your relationship so little that they"d throw it away just for one sexual encounter with another person.

If it"s "someone else" you aren"t good enough.

Thoughts?

They've done you and anyone you know a favor...
RyuuKyuzo
Posts: 3,157
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1/29/2018 5:52:08 AM
Posted: 8 months ago
Random hookup.

The other option is like being cheated on twice. At least with a random hookup it's just a sexual affair and not also an emotional affair.
I'm just a cro magnon masquerading as one of you.