'Gay,' well, now apparently has three definitions: one definition of gay is a [man who acts like a woman], another definition means calling something or someone other than stupid/silly/crazy/retarded, and lastly, it means "happy." Go up to any non-homosexual and call them "gay," they'll probably be pissed, but in general, I don't think "gay" will kill you. In fact, there might be a state with a city called "Gay."
The n word has always been used as a derogatory term against blacks. Gay means homosexual, But it also means happy or joyous. Gay can be used as a derogatory term but isn't exclusively derogetory. Plus, Gay is simply a statement if fact. If someone calls a homosexual gay, That is just a fact. They can use it in a derogetory way, But that is a seperate debate. Gay does not have to be derogatory
If you're arguing about whether or not one word is as bad as the other and you refuse to say one of the words, THAT'S the worse word. "Gay" can be used as derogatory, but it isn't an inherently bad word. The n-word, on the other hand, is a slur and nothing but a slur.